Chapter 40: Confessions
AN: Please be advised that there is a depiction of torture with the Cruciatus curse and death in this chapter. However, it is mildly graphic and brief.
Meet me in the woods by Lord Huron
True to my word, I showed up outside the Gryffindor Common Room for the party the next evening, following some younger students inside. As soon as I saw the writhing crowd, a profound weariness settled over me. I wasn't emotionally or mentally ready to be here, and I'd never been a party-person to begin with. The only reason I went so often was to lurk around Sirius, or to smoke and drink, though the busy, crowded atmosphere always managed to drain my energy regardless. I already regretted showing my face, but there was no going back now, and I did so desperately want to spend as much time with Sirius as he would allow. Moreover, I'd clearly hurt him by unintentionally blowing off the invitation to James's place during the holidays, and the last thing that I wanted was a repeat of hurting his feelings. Knowing how defensive and wary Sirius could be, it surely wouldn't take many rejections (or even only one) to drive him away from me for good, and that was absolutely not an option. My heart wouldn't be able to take his loss in addition to my family's.
I looped around the outside of the Common Room, snagging a shot glass and a bottle of firewhiskey on my way. I saw Remus in a secluded corner and made my way over. It'd be polite of me to get a few words in with him, seeing as he was one of Sirius's best friends and all.
"Hey, Remus," I said, leaning against the stone wall beside the alcove in which he was curled up. "Can I fix you a drink?"
He smiled but shook his head. "No, no, thank you. I seldom drink."
I nodded and poured myself a ridiculously full mug of firewhiskey before setting the bottle down at his feet in the alcove. "Nice to see you here," I said, forcing the words out of myself in an effort to be conversationally pleasant.
He studied me for an agonizingly long moment before turning back to the party. "You know, you don't have to pretend to be okay, Kersti. I'm not Padfoot."
I opened my mouth, then closed it. "Er, okay. Alright, yes. You're not Sirius."
"You don't have to pretend to be fine around me like you do with him. Or at least, as you've done when I've been around to see."
I rubbed my face. "Have I really been that obvious?"
Remus shrugged and picked at a scabbed scar on his hand. "The difference between you before and after the holidays has been like night and day."
"Well, fuck me. Isn't that wonderful," I muttered to myself. When he jerked his head up, worried that I'd meant it as a snarky comment, I added, "Oh, no, don't worry, Remus. I didn't mean to direct it at you."
He turned back to the party. "There they are, being idiots as usual." He nodded towards the centre of the room.
There were Sirius, James and Peter. James and Sirius were chugging a mug of Butterbeer each while Peter egged them on, and I reckoned that they were having a race to see who could finish first. James was victorious, and when he jerked his head back down, he wiped the foam from his lips with his hand and let out an ungodly loud burp, sounding more like an angry hippogriff squawking than a human boy. Sirius and Peter burst out laughing and high fived him, and then Sirius got his arm around his neck and began waltzing across the room with his best mate, scattering party-goers as they went.
"There go Padfoot and Prongs with the Tom foolery again. And poor Wormtail, struggling to keep up as usual," Remus said, laughing at his friends being goofballs.
"Never a dull moment, yeah?"
He shook his head, a smile shaping his lips. "No, never."
I sipped more of my drink.
"Hey, there you are! Black said he invited you," Lily said, inching through the crowds towards us with Marlene.
"Hey," I said, forcing a smile.
"Hey, Remus," Lily greeted him, followed by Marlene.
"So, Ridgelow," Marlene said. "Lils told me Black invited you?"
I shrugged and hid my face by taking a swig of the firewhiskey.
"He always invites her, Marls," Lily said, raising an eyebrow knowingly.
"That he does," Remus added evenly.
I took another hasty swig.
Marlene looked from me to Sirius, who was still with James in the crowd, but now they were hopping around and poking fun at Peter. She fixed me with a stare. "Do you fancy him, then?"
My mouthful of firewhiskey went down the wrong way and I choked on it. I waved my hands in dismissal of her question as I coughed.
"We're talking in the corner with some other girls if you want to join us, Kersti?" Lily asked.
"No, no thank you," I said.
Marlene flashed me a look. "Reckon we'll play truth-or-drink too, if you want to share about Sirius."
I chugged my drink and shook my head as I swallowed. "Not trollied enough," I choked out.
"The whole point is that you'll be getting more and more trollied as the game goes on."
"No thank you, McKinnon."
"Marls, leave it alone," Lily said with a laugh. "Do you want to join us, Remus?" she joked.
He threw his head back and laughed. "Oh, no. No thank you, Lily. I'll have to decline permanently when it comes to drinking games. They're really not my thing."
Lily smiled at him, her green eyes twinkling. "We don't even have to play any drinking games, Kersti," she added. "You're more than welcome to join us."
"I know. I'm just not really in the mood either."
Her smile faltered as she studied me. "You sure?"
"Yep. Very sure. How'd James meeting your parents go? And your sister's wedding?" I asked, remembering this detail from before the holidays.
Her face darkened. "Not well. Not well at all, to tell you the truth."
Remus perked up. "Did Prongs stick his foot in his mouth? Or make an arse of himself? I think he's mortified about it, he refused to tell us what happened."
"Er… It wasn't his fault, not really," she said. "It was a… difficult situation all around. My sister is bad enough to begin with when it comes to wizarding folk, but with her fiancé Vernon… Well, she's about a thousand times worse."
"I'm sorry, Lily. I really am," I said.
"I know you are." She shrugged. "What's done is done."
"He didn't help though," Marlene added, casting a glance around for James. I had no idea where he, Sirius and Peter had run off to now.
"What'd he do? Since he refuses to tell me or Padfoot or Wormtail what happened."
"He and Vernon got into a pissing contest about racing brooms and cars. And then Vernon thought he was… destitute?"
We all burst out laughing. James was the farthest thing from destitute that this school had ever seen. No child of the inventor of Sleakeazy's Hair Potion, and one born into a wealthy family to boot, could be some vagabond with not a brass farthing to his name.
"Well, I really don't know how he got that idea! Foolish oaf," Lily said, trying to control her laughter. "I think he was confused about James describing his broom?"
"Didn't you say they stormed out, Lils?" Marlene added, doubled over in a fit.
Remus buried his head in his hands, but his shaking shoulders betrayed him. "Prongs, no!"
"Why're you so surprised, Remus? You've been his mate for ages," Lily asked.
"Because usually we only have to reign in Padfoot's idiocy." He raised his head and looked at me. "And I mean that in the nicest, most friendly way possible. But he really is an idiot, and so is Prongs."
"Don't look at me, I'm not denying it."
Remus laughed. "Yeah, I reckon you'd be the first to agree with me?"
"Don't just look at her, I'll agree with you! Especially after meeting Petunia and Vernon," Lily said.
"How'd your sister's wedding go?" I asked.
Lily looked crestfallen and I suddenly regretted asking. She shook her head. "Worse, if that's even possible."
"Worse?" Remus asked.
"Why don't we leave it alone, yeah?" Marlene said, wrapping an arm around her friend.
"Marls…"
"What, Lils?"
"Stop being such a mother hen. It's not like I can't talk about it."
The loneliness rose up in me as I watched Lily and Marlene bantering and teasing each other, just like any good friends would do. Why did I have to bear this god-forsaken burden of being a Seer, which forced me to alienate everyone around me? Or was it my personality that was too prickly? Or was it even how much I'd changed from my profoundly upsetting experiences over the holidays that was keeping others at bay?
Marlene, her hand resting on Lily's shoulder, reached out to touch me gently on the arm. "Alright there? You look like you've gone ill." She smiled, a beautiful sight to behold.
The candlelight in the Common Room and the incessant chatter of the crowd came down upon me and crushed my senses. My vision swam and I thought I heard a woman's scream in my ears. I clutched my head.
"Merlin, are you alright? Are you going to be sick? Here, give me that drink and I'll get you a seat," Lily said, taking the cup from my hand.
Marlene was at my side now, trying to guide me to a seat with a hand on my shoulder. A man's pleading consumed my hearing.
"Please, no! Spare us! No, we'll do anything, I'll do anything, I'll-"
His tortured scream made me clutch my head in agony, the sound grating through my entire being like the scrape of metal on stone.
"Merlin, Kersti! What's wrong?" Remus asked.
I resisted the intense urge to retch. "'Mfine. S'all good. Going now. Bye," I slurred, one hand still gripping my head, as if I could hold the pain away with my fingertips against my skin.
"What in the- Kersti! Where are you going?" Lily called after me.
I waved over my shoulder and stumbled to the dormitory staircase. With my last remaining mental fortitude, I reversed glisseo on the stairs and tripped up the steps, swaying down the hallway to the right door. If someone had to burst in on me, it would be far less destructive if it were one of the few Gryffindor boys I knew: the Marauders. I body-slammed the door open, drunk on the pain, fell to my knees too far away from Sirius's four-poster bed, and then collapsed in a heap on the floor.
My eyes opened and I gasped, as if my head had been held underwater against my will. Even in the vision, my heart raced and I was living it like it was happening in real life. Yelling tore through the house, though I was trembling alone in the foyer. Glass smashing- it must be a window- was followed by a high, cruel laugh, and the screams of a woman and children. I ran to the source of the noise.
I rounded the corner into the sitting room and was met with a nauseating sight. Three Death Eaters had broken into the house through the window and were holding the family inside hostage. But they weren't being quick about it; two were laughing and spitting insults at the man at their feet who was begging for them to spare his family, while a third was dragging a young woman on the ground by her hair.
The Death Eater tossed the young woman on the carpet, where she crumpled into a heap. "Found this cunt upstairs. Gave me a spot of trouble. Right, love?" he said, kicking her in the side with his pointed shoe.
She cried out but raised her face. My heart and stomach leapt into my throat when I recognized Marlene.
"What're you looking at, bitch?" another Death Eater said.
Marlene stared at the Death Eaters defiantly and inched backwards to her family, shielding what was probably a younger sibling with her body.
The first Death Eater laughed. "Got her wand, no need to worry. Wasn't easy to take it off her. She's a fighting bitch."
The second Death Eater grinned. "A fighter, eh? Let's see how this changes that."
Marlene's head wrenched back at a bizarre angle as she screamed, her body writhing under the effects of the Cruciatus curse. I screamed and threw myself in front of the Death Eater.
"NO! STOP! LET HER GO!" I tried to wrench him away, to physically stop him from torturing Marlene; I knew where this scene was headed. But my hands passed through him as if he were no more solid than a column of smoke.
The rank scent of fear filled the air as the other Death Eaters began torturing Marlene's family members along with her. A chorus of gross screams filled the air, and try as I might to physically fight the Death Eaters, it continued. I turned my face from Marlene and her family, and wailed and cried. I tried to cover my ears, but the screaming and cackling was too loud.
"PLEASE! MAKE IT STOP! SOMEONE, ANYONE, MAKE IT STOP!" I shrieked, looking up to the ceiling.
A blinding explosion of green light filled the room, and all was silent. The Death Eaters howled with laughter and disapparated with a final, violent crack. The McKinnons were lying broken on the floor, limbs contorted into odd positions but otherwise looking unscathed. I wept as I fell to my knees and crawled towards Marlene. I tried to straighten her body, or at the very least close her eyelids so that she wasn't staring up into the abyss like a demented puppet, but my hand passed through her. I was a ghost in this future, and I couldn't help them like this. I couldn't even give them the decency of laying them out like they were sleeping. Instead, I sat on the carpet next to Marlene's lifeless body and wept.
Someone was talking to me. The voice fell down on my skin, barely perceptible at first, like the beginnings of a light rain. Someone was holding me, and had presumably picked me up from where I'd been lying on the floor.
"Kersti."
I opened my eyes, steeling myself against all the possibilities of who it could be. I had to blink several times in rapid succession to focus my vision, and when I had, I wished that I'd never come to the party at all.
"Kersti, what the fuck happened?" Sirius said. "I found you lying on the bloody floor when I came in, I thought you were dead."
I rolled out of his arms and onto the floor, catching him by surprise with my sudden movement. A headache split me and I cried out, clutching my head in between my knees as I sat hunched over.
"What happened?" Sirius said in a rather irritated voice, kneeling beside me and trying to pull me out of my stupor with a hand gripping my upper arm.
I whimpered as the pain wracked my body and made my stomach jump into action. At this rate I was going to be sick from the migraine, and I had to get to the nearest loo before I got sick all over the dormitory floor, myself, and Sirius. Not worrying about my dignity anymore, I began crawling to the bathroom.
"Kersti! What in Merlin's name-"
I crawled into the loo, stuck my head over the toilet bowl, and started vomiting. It wasn't a pleasant sight. I must've looked possessed and batty to Sirius, lying passed out on the floor with the door open, remaining in a trance in his arms, and then dragging myself to the loo to spew sick into the toilet. Still, I felt him kneeling behind me and gathering my hair to hold it back as I continued to vomit. I cried a little and sweat dripped from my clammy forehead in between retching as Sirius rubbed my back.
"S'okay, kitten, I've got your hair," he whispered, gathering up a strand that was stuck to the porcelain.
I sobbed, my shoulders shook, and I retched into the toilet again. When I finally finished, Sirius waited to make sure that nothing else would be coming up before he grabbed me some water. I wiped my teary eyes and drank it, avoiding his gaze. Why was I such a bloody embarrassing, gross mess in front of the boy I fancied? Of all people, why did it have to be him?
The vision that I'd had resurfaced in my mind. How much had Sirius seen? And why did I have to see Marlene and her family being so brutally tortured and killed like I had? I brought my knees to my chest and hid my face in my bent legs as the sobs wracked me.
Sirius shifted to sit next to me. "What's wrong, kitten?" he whispered, as if he were afraid that speaking louder than that would physically damage me.
I cried into my legs, shuddering from the gulping, heaving sobs and the coldness of the tiled floor. How I wished that I'd never gone to this party in the first place!
"S'okay, kitten. I'm here," he murmured, circling an arm around my shoulders.
I don't know how long I sat on the floor, curled into as tight a ball as I could manage, with Sirius sitting beside me. He quickly figured out that I wasn't in a state to explain myself at the moment, and so he just sat next to me, leaning his forehead against my arm like a dog resting his head on his owner's lap. I wept until there were no more tears left and my eyes burnt like I'd gotten sand and soap in them. When I began shivering from the cold, Sirius tried to rouse me.
"Come on, Kersti. We can't stay sitting on the floor of the loo forever." He sighed, but not in frustration. "We can sit on my bed. I can guarantee it's much more comfortable than this." When I remained curled in a ball, he insisted. "We'll just sit there, okay? Come on, it's okay, kitten."
I stood up on shaky legs, trying to hide my snotty, blotchy face. I could feel him watching me, trying to coax me into looking him in the eye, but I wouldn't give in. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, before laying a gentle hand on my shoulder and guiding me back into the dormitory. I relied on him to guide me, seeing as I was using my hair to shield my face and I remained with my gaze fixed on the wood floor. His hand stayed on my shoulder until we were sitting firmly on the bed against the headboard, with Sirius's shoulder a firm, comforting pressure against mine.
He was staring at me, like he had been the whole time. "What happened?"
I shook my head hard. "I… I can't… can't t-tell y-you."
"Why not?"
"I can't."
"For fuck's sake, you can't expect me to come in to that and then not tell me what the fuck is going on! I thought you were- I dunno- having a fit."
I shook my head again.
"Bloody hell, Kersti! Why can't you?" he snapped. He exhaled and pushed some hair away from his face. He began again in a softer voice. "What're you afraid of? You can tell me, I swear." He paused, still watching me. "I'm not going to poke fun of you or be a git about it. If I could handle Moony telling us about his furry problem, then I can handle whatever it is with you."
"I… It's different than that. I can't… I can't put you at risk."
"Whatever risk it is, I can handle it. I reckon you know this, but I'm tougher than all that, kitten. Whatever you tell me, it's not going to break me. I can handle it."
I exhaled a shaky breath, staring forward and refusing to look his way. I was too afraid to see the look on his face when I told him and when he saw what a crying mess I was. "Can you lend me a cigarette?"
"Of course, kitten." He handed me one and took one for himself, lighting both with his wand. He added, "I locked the door, by the way. No one can get in or hear unless I let them in."
"O-okay." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I guess… How much did you see?"
"I went looking for you and came up here because Moony told me you'd taken off up the stairs. And the door was open and I saw you just… lying there, on the floor. I… I thought you'd collapsed or something."
I took a first drag before I spoke. "You can't tell anyone this, alright? And when I said it puts you at risk, I really did mean that."
"Of course." He hesitated for a moment before he said, "I promise, Kersti."
I rubbed my face and stared at the cigarette that I held. "I'll start from the beginning, yeah?"
I could see the barest smile flit across his face. "I'm all ears, kitten."
I tried to ignore how hard and fast my heart was beating. "I'm… the thing is, I'm a… a Seer." Sirius inhaled sharply but remained silent. I continued. "What you walked in on was me having a vision. I felt the beginnings of one coming on in the Common Room, and so I tried to take refuge here because I don't have any control over them or myself when I'm having one. I'd just gotten through the door when I fell down as the vision hit."
"I'm sorry."
"Why're you sorry? It's not your fault."
"I know. I just… I'm sorry you have to deal with that shit."
"S'okay. I'm used to it. I mainly get prophetic dreams, so they're easier to hide. Sometimes I get visions, premonitions, but it's always been mostly the dreams."
"That's why you're so tired all the time?"
"Yeah."
"And why you said you have really bad dreams?"
I nodded. "My 'Inner Eye,' as it's officially called, made its presence first known in fifth year. And they got worse and worse throughout the school year, though nothing morbid yet. I sort of… suspected that things would get worse, because I must've read every single book about Seers from the library that year, and they all said that things would get worse. And… I wanted an outlet, somewhere safe to go, to be alone and run away from my dreams. So I decided at the end of fifth year to become an animagus, and then became one in secret that summer. And I can't over-exaggerate how much that has helped me. Emotions are… sort of muted while you're in your animal form, you know?"
"Yeah," Sirius said, never tearing his eyes away.
"So at night, if I have a Seer dream, I usually don't go back to sleep afterwards, I stay up and go down to the forest. During that full moon in September, I'd been in the forest since that evening, just prowling around. That's why I… heard what was happening. I've never had any dreams or visions in my animagus form, so at least I have a guaranteed safe haven. And the weed, though it's not a surefire blocker. But that's also why I started smoking."
"So you're always falling asleep during the day because you can't sleep at night?"
"Yeah. I take lots of naps too, just to make up for not sleeping at night. I reckon I haven't had a week's worth of proper sleeps since sixth-year."
Sirius tipped his head back to watch the smoke curl out of his mouth. "What're the dreams about?"
"They were only about benign things when they first started, like my O.W.L scores and unimportant things. And then in sixth year, they got all… macabre. I started seeing… dreaming of my own death, watching myself dying. This year has been the worst. The dreams have been torture this year. Not physical torture, but emotional torture."
Sirius shifted to better face me. "Are they all… bad dreams?"
"No," I said and took another drag. "Sometimes they're happy and sometimes they're sad. Either way, they make me miserable."
He was quiet for a very long time as we finished our cigarettes. He was staring ahead like me, and I could very nearly see him fitting all the puzzle pieces together in his big, beautiful head. He must be going over all the signs that he'd seen and never known how to interpret until now. When we'd smoked our cigarettes down to the filters, he gently took the butt from my fingers and put both on his bedside table, next to the Marauders' Map. I knew what was coming next, I could see the question bubbling under the surface.
Sirius looked at me. "Have you been so different after the holidays because of something that happened with your… Seer shit?"
My family burst to the forefront of my mind, out of the dark recess where I'd tried to bury them, and the grief and sadness that I felt about them was only amplified by the devastating vision I'd had about the McKinnons. Would Marlene appreciate and treasure her family before it was too late?
I tried to brush away the tears, but they were coming too fast. I had to try three times before I could choke out the words. "I h-had to obliviate them. That's why I said it was a risk to tell anyone. I know that the Death Eaters and You-Know-Who would… love to get their hands on a Seer, and the fact that I'm a Muggleborn…? It's put me at an extreme risk, I'm smart enough to know that. I had to obliviate my family because they were like sitting ducks, Sirius. What if the Death Eaters found out about me and went to torture my family for information? Or held them hostage? They'd have no way to defend themselves as Muggles. I could never forgive myself if I didn't sacrifice my conscience, my happiness, for a chance to keep them safe. I-"
I hid my face in my hands as I sobbed. Was my life ruined? How could I put Sirius at risk like this? I wasn't solely crying for my own situation now, but for Marlene, my family, and all the others who would be victims of the Death Eaters.
Sirius shifted on the bed and wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me in a fierce hug. He rested his forehead against my hair so that his breath was soft and warm against my cheek. "I'm so sorry, Kersti. I'm here for you, okay?" he whispered, and all I could do was cry harder into my hands. "You don't have to worry about me knowing your secret, I promise it's safe with me." He nuzzled his face closer. "Okay, kitten?"
I made the barest sound of affirmation and he hugged me harder to him, resting his head against mine, his thumb rubbing back and forth over my arm where he was gripping me. My breath came in hyperventilating gasps and wheezes, and Sirius held me tighter, breathing calmly.
"Focus on breathing slower, kitten. Trust me, it'll help," he murmured.
I managed a bitter laugh. "I'm such a fucking trainwreck."
"No, you're not. And even if you were, you're not the first trainwreck I've helped. Slowing your breaths always does wonders for Moony when he gets sort of like this."
I hiccupped and sniffled, and tried to slow my shuddering breaths. "I… I'm sorry," I whimpered and started crying again.
Sirius rubbed his cheek against my hair. "What're you apologizing for?"
"Because I'm a bloody mess."
"Don't worry, kitten. It's not your fault, okay? And I don't mind." After what felt like ages, the only sound my muffled crying, he spoke once more. "I know what it's like. You don't have to apologize for… struggling with your situation."
We remained in that position for a long time, with me hunched over and curled in on myself, while Sirius kept his arms around me with his head next to mine. When I stopped crying, he coaxed me into relaxing my body a bit, my neck and legs aching from the cramped position I'd been in for Merlin-knows how long. I'd been amazed at the unfurling layers of Sirius's personality, but I still had never expected him to be so patient and comforting with me. He, James and Peter would've had to help Remus after full moons, and this made Sirius so good at staying with me.
There was no one to disturb us and he patiently got me to relax my body until I was sitting normally against the headboard, though I was rubbing my burning eyes and sniffling. Still, I refused to look at Sirius, so embarrassed and self-conscious I was at the state I was in.
"Come here, kitten," he said. He shifted on his bed so that he was leaning against the headboard. He gave me a silly grin and patted his stomach. When I didn't move, he said, "Come on, you know I don't bite. Or do you want me to be Padfoot so you can get a face full of fur?"
I smiled at that and he grinned in victory before patting his stomach again. Avoiding eye contact, I shifted and reluctantly laid down, my head resting on his chest. His stomach rose and fell in a calming rhythm with every breath he took, the warmth of his body seeping into me. A few tears leaked out of me and wet his shirt.
"Sorry if I get you wet," I whispered with a sniffle.
A chuckle vibrated through his chest, followed by his voice which rumbled through me. "Doesn't matter to me."
He held me with one hand, while the other rested on his stomach near my head. I traced a fingertip over his knuckles, followed by every other joint in his left hand. Next to his, mine looked small and frail. I followed the curve of the veins on the back of his hand, marvelling that these same hands became paws for every full moon and whenever he willed it.
"D'you think you could only shift parts of your body into Padfoot's?" I asked.
He flexed his hand, long fingers grasping at nothing. "Maybe. But it'd be bloody weird to have only paws."
"Mmm, yeah."
He rested his hand palm-down on his stomach again and let me resume tracing the knuckles and joints and veins. "Were you there, in the forest, that full moon in November?" he asked.
"Sort of. I mean, I was by myself and I'd already been in the clearing when the sun started to rise, and then you four came and I… I hid up a tree." Sirius didn't say anything so I continued. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I hid up the tree because I didn't know what was running towards me until it was too late, and I didn't want to be snooping. I'm sorry, I never would've wanted to-"
"S'okay, I believe you," he said. He was having to say that a lot tonight.
"You smelt me, right?"
He hummed in agreement. "Thought I was going barmy. Swore I smelt you, couldn't see you…"
"I can move without making any sound, so it wasn't really fair."
He chuckled and rubbed my side where he held me. My body felt achy and heavy, not only from the crying and vomiting, but from the emotional turmoil that I'd been through with my family and with the vision of Marlene's death. I couldn't have moved from the bed even if I'd wanted to, and so we stayed together like that for a long time.
Eventually, Sirius noticed me yawning. "Why don't you try to get some sleep, kitten? Or d'you think you might not be able to?"
"I reckon… I might be able to sleep," I said. I rolled over so that my back was facing him and slipped under the covers, my head on his other pillow. He was probably grinning at me getting comfortable in his own bed, curling up like a cat marking her territory.
"Don't you want to change out of your clothes?" he said, laughing quietly. "You can borrow one of my shirts if you fancy that."
I made a noise of disagreement. I'd already kicked off my shoes, and undressing seemed too laborious a task for my aching body and mind. Sirius laughed and sat up, the rustle of his clothes as he undressed the only sound in the dark room, followed by the clink of the bed curtains being drawn. The cold air of the dormitory brushed me as he drew the covers back, settling in behind me. I stayed with my back to him, even as he moved so close that his chest touched my back lightly.
"You comfortable?" he whispered as he moved a hair away that clung to my shoulder.
"Yeah."
He sighed, the deep exhalation stirring my hair, but didn't say anything. I could feel his gaze on me, heavy like a deadweight. He seemed to be at a total loss for words for once in his life. Usually he was so haughty, so sure of himself, but now he was hesitating like he'd never done around me before.
"Did you get completely naked to sleep?" I mumbled, curling my arms around my knees.
He barked out a laugh. "No. Do you want me to?"
"Doesn't matter."
I felt him prop himself up on an elbow behind me. "You kept it all a secret? Since fifth year?"
"Yeah. You're the only one I've told."
He drew his palm over my arm, followed by a fingertip tracing the curve of my elbow and down my forearm. "Is that why you always seemed so… alone?" he whispered.
I curled my arms tighter around myself as the tears stung my aggravated eyes and then spilled over. "Yeah," I whispered. I closed my eyes as he watched me, as if that would hide my suffering from him.
He didn't have anything to say for a long time as I tried to quiet my sniffling. He finally spoke in a whisper. "I'm right here, kitten. Try to sleep, and if you need anything, I'll be here."
I felt his hand slowly caressing my arm as I fell asleep.
I woke up only a few hours later, from a nightmare in which I again saw Marlene and her family being killed by Death Eaters. It was the same dream, but it was no less terrifying. My headache was far less severe, and so I didn't have to immediately flounder to the loo to retch up bile. Instead, I lay there in the darkness of someone else's dormitory, in Sirius's bed, feeling overwhelmingly embarrassed that I was here for some reason. It wasn't like Lily probably hadn't spent the night in here before, and in fact, I would bet several Galleons that she was in the room right now, curled up under the duvet with James. I felt bad about invading the privacy of Remus and Peter's dormitory as well, and I wondered if Lily ever had any qualms about spending the night in here. Knowing her and how private of a person she was, I reckoned that she did.
One person was snoring; it was probably Peter. But more importantly, I could hear Sirius breathing slowly in his sleep, his body heat a solid presence behind me. I slowly sat up and looked over at him. He had the covers up to his shoulders, leaving some of his bare chest peeking out. His hair was spread out on the pillow and tousled from his shifting, while his face was the most peaceful I'd seen it. There was no playful smirk on his lips, but neither was there a crease in his brows or a haughty look on his face. I didn't have the heart to disturb him, and I would never want to drag someone else into my dream-induced insomnia with me. With a last look at Sirius, I slipped out of his bed and past the curtains, gathering my shoes up and padding soundlessly to the door. I didn't look back as I drew the door closed behind me and began my nocturnal journey down to the Forbidden Forest, where I would run away from my problems and my feelings for Sirius.