It's the last Friday of Summer Vacation. The Friday before sophomore year.

Nicole and Sally are up in Nicole's bedroom. They've made homemade face-masks, eaten most of a stuffed-crust pizza while watching a season of Riverdale (ironically, of course), and now they're at that lazy point in the evening where they're both doing their own thing. Sally is painting her toenails black. She experimented with the shade before, back when Elias was going through an emo phase, and her mother was horrified. At least she could keep her toenails hidden.

Nicole is sitting at her desk, tapping away at her computer with a small frown on her face. Something's happening in the discord server she moderates - Sally doesn't really understand it, but Nicole keeps letting out little exasperated sighs that punctuate the music playing in the background.

Sally closes her eyes and tries to soak up the feeling, savouring it. This is her safe space, away from all of the family drama and the pressure of school - here with Nicole who is finally back from her counselling gig at computer-camp in Mobius, Her best friend.

"What do you want to do?" Nicole yawns. She's wearing an oversized cropped t-shirt, and as she stretches it lifts, exposing a long stretch of torso and a glimpse of the band of her black bra. Sally swallows

"Sal? Are you okay?

Nicole's head is tipped to one side, looking mildly concerned. Sally forces a well-rehearsed smile.

"I'm fine!"

"Really?" Nicole's eyebrow is raised sceptically, her mouth curled into a frown. Sally looks away. They've been best friends for so long that sometimes she feels like Nicole can see right through her.

"Seriously," Sally says. She pretends to be occupied with painting her nails. "Everything's perfect."

Three Years Earlier

"Can I borrow your history homework?"

Sally smiles to herself as she heard the soft thud of her best-friend's messenger bag against the lockers. Like clockwork, every Monday morning.

"Nice to see you too," Sally says pointedly, turning around to raise an eyebrow at Nicole. She looks even more bedraggled than usual, with her messy black hair and smudgy black mascara. The dark circles underneath her green eyes look even more pronounced. "Another late night gaming sesh?"

Nicole's eyes gleam. "I got the new DLC for Skyrim - "

"I don't know what that is - "

"And it's so cool. You join the vampire hunters, right? They're called the Dawnguard. You go on this quest for them that's like, really hard - really really hard. There's all these new enemies with new powers, like gargoyles and shit. I had to revive Lydia a hundred times. But then you meet this kind of vampire princess and -"

Sally lets Nicole's voice wash over her as she dug her purple binder out of her locker. It's where she keeps all of her history notes, neatly transcribed. The latest assignment is in the first sleeve so it was readily available for her teacher - and Nicole, of course, who always seems to need to borrow it on Monday morning. It isn't that she's lazy or anything, it's just that she gets distracted. As for Sally well, it would never occur to her not do her homework. She doesn't particularly enjoy school (what seventh-grader does - except maybe Blaze Sol?) but if you were given a task you had to do it.

Every evening when Sally comes home from school she eats a snack, goes to her room, does her homework, exercises, eats dinner, showers, and gets ready for bed. Sometimes she watches TV with Elias, but since he's started highschool he didn't seem to have as much time to hang out anymore - though based on the fact that Sally can hear him climbing in through his bedroom window early in the morning, she doesn't think that he was devoting all of his time to the 'highschool workload' he'd complained about.

"- I was literally playing until about 3AM."

"That sounds intense," Sally offers. Nicole is obsessed with video games. Sally didn't really see the appeal in them. Elias has a few but they all seem to be about racing or shooting people. The couple of times she's glanced at the screen her mother had frowned and told her it wasn't really suitable for 'young ladies'.

Sally passes the purple folder to Nicole. Nicole yawns, making no move to cover her open mouth. She wasn't remotely a 'young lady', Sally thinks. Nicole chews her nails in class and wears ripped jeans. She has three piercings in her left ear. She wears smudgy black eyeliner and her notebooks are all dog-eared and covered in song-lyrics from bands Sally has never heard of before.

It's at that precise moment that Rouge Minella and Bunnie Rabbot walk past Sally's locker and all other thoughts leave Sally's head. They're the most popular girls in eighth-grade, and they wear their confidence like the Victoria's Secret body-spray they douse themselves in every morning. Bunnie says something to Rouge, who giggles. Sally notices that her black jeans were new - or at least, Sally had never seen them before.

And Sally spends more time than she'd ever dare admit (even to herself) noticing what Rouge was wearing.

It's just because her clothes are nice, of course you want to know what she's wearing. You just want to look like her, because she's one of the prettiest girls in school- obviously. It makes perfect sense. And if you blush when you meet her gaze accidentally, or brush past her in the hallway … well that's just because she's really popular and intimidating -

"Sal? Hello-o?" Nicole waves her hand in front of Sally's face, snapping her out of whatever weird trance she was in. "Are you okay?" she asks, frowning after Rouge as she disappeared around the corner. There's a strange look on her face and Sally panics.

"Fine," Sally says brightly, forcing a smile. "Everything's perfect."

Google Search History:

How to make friends with girls

Is it normal to think girls are pretty?

How to know if you want to be friends with someone.

Nervous around pretty girls.

There's a glass ornament on her mother's dresser, a family heirloom. Sally used to sit on her mother's lap as she brushed her hair and stare longingly at it - it was the prettiest thing she'd ever seen. Sometimes, when she was particularly well-behaved, her mother let her hold it for a few minutes. This was always preceded by a lecture, explaining how delicate and precious it was, and stressing how Sally had to be so so careful when she held it.

That is how Sally felt about her friendship with Nicole. It was this delicate precious thing that she had to hold gently - one small slip and the whole thing would shatter into a million pieces. She has to be perfect, or she'd lose everything.

Sally doesn't have a lot of friends. She'd been extremely lonely in elementary school. She and Elias begged their parents to let them go to Station Square Middle School when the time came, so they could try again with a new set of peers. Elias thrived in the new location, befriending Manic, Espio, and Megan, but Sally didn't find it any easier to integrate in Station Square. Everyone already knew each other, and Sally's reflexive politeness and reserved nature that made her thrive in formal settings with her family had the opposite effect on her classmates. When he was in middle-school with her Sally watched Elias enviously, the easy-way he laughed, his self-deprecating humour, the fact that he had little-to-no filter …. all these little things that made people want to hang out with him. Sally doesn't know how to be like that, how to flip the script. Her father ran their household like it was another one of his hotels - meals happened on a schedule, family outfits for events were color-coordinated, and expectations had to be met.

That's what made her friendship with Nicole all the more unlikely.

Nicole is brilliant in so many ways - she's been going to coding camp since she was six, and she seems to intuitively understand all things tech - but she wasn't really, well, organised. When their teacher paired them up for a Science project last year and Nicole showed Sally her crumped up notes, pulled out from the bottom of her schoolbag, Sally - with her matching stationary and neat planner - was sure she was being cosmically punished for something. But over that two weeks, she'd been surprised to learn that she liked Nicole. She was funny, but never said something mean to get a laugh. Smart, but not intimidating. Sally liked her mussed up bangs, the blue-light glasses she wore, and the way that she always came into school with a million piercings in her ear even though she knew the teachers would make her take them out before the end of first period. Nicole talked for ages about video games, music, coding and a million other things that Sally didn't know much about … but given the silence that permeated her own household, Sally was happy to listen to someone who cared about something.

While Sally did the research for their project, Nicole handled the tech side of things and made an elaborate PowerPoint filled with clean transitions, stunning original graphs, and video-clips. She even put together a to-scale 3D digital model of a volcano and when she pressed something on the keyboard the whole thing erupted.

They won a prize for their project, and Sally was shocked by the disappointment she felt - because now she and Nicole had no reason to hang out, to sit in the library at lunchtime and share a packet of Chili Heatwave Doritos (something Sally could never eat at home.) Nicole would go back to hanging out with the tech geeks, and Sally would go back to sitting at the edge of Fiona's lunch-table.

But that didn't happen. Surprisingly, Nicole still seemed to want to hang out with her. For the last month of that school year they sat together at lunch, rotating between Nicole's tech-geek friends, the girls in their grade, and The Gang (the name Sally had privately given the large friend group who occupied the back of the cafeteria.) A couple of them - Maria Robotnik, Blaze Sol, Silver Ono, and Sonic Sega - were in their classes, so Nicole and Sally sat there on a couple of occasions. Sally's body seemed to have a mind of its own - she was so nervous sitting around Rouge that when Knuckles Pacha asked her a question she jerked her hand and knocked yogurt all over Rouge's top. It's mortifying to think about it, even now.

(Maybe that's why seeing Rouge made her feel so weird. Of course. There was always a rational explanation for these things.)

Everyone had been nice about it though. Especially since Sonic knocked his own bowl of chilli over a few minutes later, spilling it all over his lap. While everyone laughed and handed him paper towels, he glanced up at Sally and offered her a secret grin, which made Sally suspect he'd done the whole thing on purpose to take some of the pressure off her. She'd nodded in acknowledgement, feeling both embarrassed and pleased. She and Sonic weren't close, but their brothers were friends, and it was nice to have someone else in her corner.

It was still totally humiliating and she'd been sure that Nicole wouldn't want to hang out with her, now that she'd made a fool of herself. But weirdly, Nicole didn't seem to care. Sally glanced over at her, expecting quiet disapproval or displeasure (expressions she saw everyday across the dinner table at home) but only saw sympathy in Nicole's bright green eyes.

"Are you okay?" she'd asked afterwards. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sally hesitated - she didn't live in a house where people talked about things.

"I mean - you don't have to," Nicole said hurriedly. "I just - you seemed kind of, I don't know, but - " she cut herself off, her cheeks turning pink. Sally watched her, realisation dawning - she's self-conscious too.

"I just - I felt like an idiot," Sally explained, trying to sound casual even though something inside her brain was screaming about how she shouldn't be sharing insecurities or weaknesses. "I'm usually so careful."

Nicole frowned. "It wasn't a big deal - it could have happened to anyone."

But I'm not anyone.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Nicole paused. "I've always thought that you put yourself under too much pressure."

"That's not a bad - "

"I agree!" Nicole interrupted quickly. "In some ways. Like, you get really good grades and all the teachers like you and everything. You deserve it too. You work really hard. It's just … you don't have to beat yourself up for not being perfect every minute of the day, you know? It's okay to be human."

Nicole blushed. "Damn, that came out way cheesier than intended. Uh, feel free to ignore me!"

"Thanks Nicole," Sally smiled - a real one this time. "Hey - I'm of the opinion that life needs more dramatic cheesy speeches anyway."

"Well," Nicole shrugged. "That's what friends are for I guess."

"Are you going to the musical?" Nicole asks out of the blue during the last week of seventh grade.

"I wasn't planning on it," Sally begins slowly. "Why?" Her heart is thumping.

"I helped with some of the sound stuff," Nicole replies. Was it Sally's imagination or did she sound nervous? "Cast and crew get free tickets for friends and family, so if you wanted to go …"

"That's so kind of you," Sally says. "I'd love to come."

"Awesome!" Nicole grins, audibly relieved. Her green eyes sparkle as she says it, like she really did think it was awesome that Sally was going with her. Sally hugs the memory to herself like a blanket for the rest of the week. She feels weirdly nervous getting ready, changing her top three times and her shoes twice. She even experiments with eyeliner, trying to get the same smudgy-effect that Nicole's has. Everything about Nicole generally screams 'effortless' but when they met outside the school gates, Sally thinks she detects that same nervousness again. Her makeup is fresh and she is wearing a new shirt.

They make awkward small talk while they wait for the show to start. It's the first time they've ever hung out together outside of school (even though they're technically in school right now), and it's a bit strange. The lights go down and the show starts.

It's okay. Sally thinks that last year's production of West Side Story was better (Elias was Tony. His friend Megan played Maria) but this show has its charms.

Knuckles Pacha plays the Pharaoh and he's hilarious. Bunnie Rabbot is the narrator, which is really the only decent female part in the whole thing. The rest are all just dancers.

Sally notices Rouge right away. She's wearing a gold gauzy outfit with a long skirt and a cropped top. The other girls look a little nervous, but she looks like she was born for this. It's probably easy to be confident when you're that pretty. And she's so so pretty.

But somehow Sally watches her without really seeing her, without feeling anything. Even though she's half-hidden in darkness, Sally is far more aware of Nicole shifting in her seat beside her than the people under the spotlight.

Google Search History:

When should I start liking boys?

That Summer Sally attends a family wedding and old aunts and friends of the family poke her and crack jokes about how it will be her wedding next! Sally forces a smile and fakes a laugh, though she finds the whole thing annoying. Elias is older than her! Why aren't they making the same jokes about him?

It's not just the double standards that annoy her though. She's starting to worry. She's thirteen - isn't she supposed to be thinking about this sort of thing by now? Boys and kissing and happily-ever-after? The websites say it's normal to be a late bloomer, but Sally's done the rest of the puberty thing already. Her periods have already settled into a regular cycle, coming like clockwork - like everything else in her life. Does that mean something's wrong with her?

She tries to picture herself in a big poofy dress, looking like a fairytale princess as her father walks her down the aisle towards some faceless suited stranger. They say their vows, they kiss …

Her stomach twists. The whole thing makes her feel more Hunger Games than Hallmark. When the bouquet-toss is announced she makes excuses and hides in the bathroom.

HoloNicole sent you a Snap

Sally smiles in spite of everything. Nicole's a junior counsellor at her coding camp and she's been sending Sally daily updates, memes, even the occasional song rec, It's really silly, but those messages are probably the highlight of Sally's day.

"Elias! Did you get them?"

"Get what?"

"I told you - !"

"I'm kidding. Jeeze, relax would you?" he walks into the kitchen and threw the jumbo bag of Doritos at her. "Out of curiosity, what would you have done if I hadn't?"

"You don't want to know," Sally mutters darkly. Elias chuckled and Sally was annoyed by how happy the slightest hint of approval from her big brother made her feel.

"Relax Sal," Elias says, pulling a jar of peanut butter out from the cupboard. "She's not coming for the snacks."

"Should I open them now and put them in a bowl, or just bring out the bag at some point?" Sally asks, looking wildly around the kitchen, looking for any flaw. The cleaner came this morning, but Elias has a habit of leaving crumbs on the table and socks on the floor.

"You're overthinking this," Elias says through a mouthful of peanut butter. "We're ordering pizza anyway, right?"

"Nicole and I are ordering pizza," Sally snaps. "You can do whatever you want."

He rolls his eyes. Part of Sally wants to scream at him, but another part of her is pleased that she isn't rolling over for his approval anymore. It's the part of her that feels like he's abandoned her.

Well she doesn't need him. She has her own friend now ... one who is coming to her house for the first time.

Sally's been to Nicole's house once. It's cluttered and small, but it's only Nicole and her dad now.

"That's my mom," Nicole said, gesturing to a photograph on the wall. Sally studied the picture of the woman who died when Nicole was a baby, noticing the similarities and differences between them both - both lynxes with light brown fur and black stripes, though Nicole has an extra one on the bridge of her nose. They both have green eyes, but Nicole's are hooded and her mother's are more almond-shaped. Black hair frames both their faces. Nicole's is rounder. The hair around her ears is darker too.

Sally never realised how well she knew Nicole's face until now. She looks at her friend and even though she's smiling, there's something stirring behind her eyes. With a pang Sally thinks about her own mother and how weird it would be to never really know her and never get a chance to. She tentatively reaches out and touches Nicole's shoulder. She doesn't say anything. Nicole blinks in surprise before her expression softens and Sally realises that maybe she doesn't have to. Being there for someone can be enough.

They go for a walk around Station Square. It's chilly outside, but Sally is having too much fun to notice the cold. On a whim they buy the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies and they find that they're not a bad team in the kitchen.

"What music do you want to listen to?" Nicole asks, syncing her phone up to the Bluetooth speaker.

"You can pick," Sally says. Nicole rolls her eyes - she teases Sally about how polite she is, always letting other people do what they like. She has a point, but it's also just that Sally has never really paid attention to music before. She likes to listen to the songs that Nicole talks about - they're not like anything that she hears on the radio.

They tidy up as they wait for the cookies to come out of the oven, filling the sink with bubbles and flicking them at each other. Nicole sings along to the music, completely off-key, and Sally doesn't know why this makes her smile so much, why it makes her like Nicole even more. There's nowhere else she'd rather be right now and in a moment of daring she grabs Nicole's soapy hands and the two of them dance around the room together. Sally's head is spinning long after the music stops.

Sally can't pinpoint the moment her feelings for Nicole get complicated. She was so wrapped up in anxiety for the early days of their friendship, so eager-to-please, that when the shift happens she doesn't really notice it because in a way it's always been like this. She's always been eager-to-please.

The moment happens somewhere between waking up every morning to a string of links to songs Nicole sent her at 2AM, and braiding each other's hair. Between sharing a bag of Chilli Heatwave Doritos at lunch, and taking out the library's copy of Twilight and taking turns reading out the silliest parts. It's after Fiona 'accidentally' destroys Blaze's Geography project, and Nicole skips Music to help her fix it, but before Maria's birthday party where they share the last cupcake.

Maybe it's the moment she notices that the leaves on the sunniest day of the year are the precise shade of green that Nicole's eyes are. Or else when she spots the dimples on her cheeks.

Maybe it's all of these moments together. Or none of them.

Even though he's an idiot, Elias seems to know that this is a big deal for Sally. He hovers in the background for a while when Nicole arrives, offers her a drink when Sally forgets to, fills in the gaps in the conversation with questions about school and hobbies. He tells Nicole a story about something that happened to him in class the other day and when she laughs, Sally burns with jealousy. That's her friend. Elias has his own.

She also knows that girls find her brother attractive (only because they haven't seen his bedroom, Sally thinks) because she's heard enough of them giggle about it. Girls in their grade, like Fiona and Wave. Sally even saw Rouge eye him up in the hallways a couple of times when he was still in school with them (for whatever reason this makes Sally even angrier). She and Nicole have never really talked about boys before, so she doesn't know if Elias would even be her type … but she also really doesn't want to know.

Elias tells them he's going out for a while, but says they can use PS4 if they like (he and Nicole have bonded briefly over Skyrim) which is how Sally ends up cross-legged on the living room floor, struggling to control her character, while Nicole tries to offer advice between mouthfuls of Doritos.

"Which control do I need to use?" Sally asks.

"Both. One is for the character, one is for the camera - oh!"

"What's happening? I can't see!"

"Switch to third person - look, you're being attacked!"

"How do I fight back? How do I do this?"

Sally is aware of Nicole moving behind her. She doesn't know what's happening, but suddenly Nicole's hands are on the controllers too, right on top of Sally's. Their fingers are touching - not just their fingers, because Nicole is reaching around Sally from behind, her head almost (but not quite) resting on Sally's shoulder.

"I've got this," Nicole says. Her breath tickles Sally's neck and she can feel the goosebumps erupting. Nicole smells faintly of apples, and for some reason this feels noteworthy - something she should store away for future reference. She tries to say something but her tongue feels as heavy and useless as her fingers did on the controllers, and she lets Nicole's hands guide her own. She can see her out of the corner of her eye, her brow furrowed, her tongue poking out between her teeth as she focuses on the screen. Her hair tickles Sally's shoulder. Apples.

Nicole lets out a cheer as the final enemy is defeated and pulls away. Sally lets out a sharp sigh (of relief or disappointment, she doesn't know) and the smile vanishes from Nicole's face as sees whatever expression is on Sally's.

"Was that okay?" she asks and she sounds scared. "I'm sorry, I should have - "

"It's fine!" Sally insists - because it is, obviously. Friends touch each other all the time, friends get close to each other. It was normal. She didn't know why she was overreacting … it was probably because she just wasn't used to having friends, and on top of that her family wasn't very touchy-feely either. She just hadn't been expecting it and it had thrown her for a minute.

Nicole still looks stricken. There's something else bothering her too - Sally sees her chew on her lip throughout the evening. She's relieved when Elias returns with pizza, is happy to invite him to watch a film with them. She sits in the middle because she doesn't want Nicole to feel like there's any weirdness - she touched her hands, it was the opposite of a big deal - but she regrets it almost immediately. The sofa is large enough so that all three of them can sit together without actually touching each other. There are only a couple of inches between her and Nicole but they feel like an uncrossable chasm, stretching out for miles.

And now that Sally knows what Nicole smells like, apples are all that she can think about.

Google Search History:

Is it normal to …?

I think I ….

How do you know if you're ….?

The rest of eighth grade passes by in a blur. The workload has increased, but Sally doesn't mind - she and Nicole go to each other's house to do homework and eat snacks. At the weekends and at breaks they wander around shops, go to the cinema, and get cake and iced coffee.

They start having sleepovers - Sally in her matching blue ensemble, Nicole in an oversized t-shirt and shorts. They make a nest of blankets, Nicole rigs up a projector, and they watch movies together while eating toffee popcorn.

Sally tries not to notice the way the t-shirt slips down and exposes part of Nicole's collarbone. Tries not to notice her bare legs or the smell of her freshly washed hair. Those aren't things that girls are supposed to notice about their best friends.

Sally has a checklist in her mind for how female friendships work, a list she cultivated from movies and TV shows. They paint their nails, make DIY face-masks.

When the lights are low they whisper to each other. It's easier to open up in the dark, when you can't see the other person.

Nicole talks about her mother's death and the hole it left, the weirdness of mourning someone you never really knew, the cloud of sadness that seems to hover over her father.

Sally finally opens up about how much pressure she feels to be the perfect daughter. The way her family looks perfect and polished on the outside, but behind closed doors they fight all the time. She talks about how she and Elias have grown more distant. She talks about how lonely she felt in school for so many years.

She's on a mattress beside Nicole's bed. She feels her reach down to squeeze her hand.

"You've got me now," she says. "And I've got you. We don't have to feel lonely anymore."

Sally's heart is full.

There's one thing on the checklist that they don't . They don't talk about boys. There are too many other things to share.

And there's still time for that Sally tells herself. She doesn't know if what she feels is dread or relief.

Before graduation there's the musical. Nicole's doesn't have a part because she's the tech head, so Sally spends more one-on-one time with their other classmates. Wave, Maria, and Fiona are all Pink Ladies so they have a lot of scenes together - which means that when they don't have scenes they're usually all together too. Sally's a little more confident in her people-skills now. She focuses on asking questions, because she's realised that the majority of people like to talk about themselves.

She doesn't know if they're her friends. Maria is nice, but preoccupied. Sally can't decide if she has a lot on her mind or if she's just a daydreamer. Wave is okay, but Sally finds Fiona a little intimidating. She's a little like Rouge - pretty and knows it. She's also a bit boy-crazy and likes to speculate about everyone's romantic entanglements.

"Guess what?" she says slyly when they're supposed to be running lines for the sleepover scene. "I heard that one of the guys likes you, Sally."

Sally freezes. "What?"

Fiona nods, smirking to herself. "Do you want me to tell you?"

Sally shakes her head. Fiona juts out her bottom lip, pouting. "Why not?"

Maria glances at Sally. "Can we go back to the script - ?"

"You're no fun," Fiona sighs, rolling her eyes. "Just because you have a boyfriend already. I'm just trying to help."

Sally wants to shrink into her seat, though she can hear her father's voice telling her that she's an Acorn, she has to be strong ...

Maria flushes - she always does when Shadow is brought up in conversation. They've only been dating a few months and he's a highschool student now, but it had been obvious to everyone for a while that they were going to get together.

"I just don't want you to forget your lines onstage again." she retorts.

It's Fiona's turn to blush. Maria meets Sally's eye and winks conspiratorially. Sally, feeling more confident, sits up straight and meets Fiona's gaze. The atmosphere is a little tense as they go through the script. They're almost at the end of the scene, when Fiona gets the last word in.

"It's Ken Khan," she tells Sally, her eyes glinting. Sally's eyes automatically flicker across the room where the guys going through the steps for Greased Lightning. Ken is in the back row, right behind Sonic. He's not looking in their direction but Sally blushes anyway, embarrassed.

"Aw, you're all red!" Fiona cackles. "You like him too!"

I don't even know him Sally wants to say. He's just a guy in her math class who she's probably only said five words to in her life.

"Let's go through that scene again," is what she says instead.

Maybe if she ignores it, it will go away. As Maria reads her line, Sally's eyes find Nicole, who is writing down the lighting-cues in her copy of the script.

Sally swallows. Admittedly, it's not a strategy that's been working so far.

From the safety of her bedroom, Sally watches dozens of YouTube videos about how having a girl-crush doesn't mean you're gay. It's totally normal, these people tell her, to question things when you're young and your hormones are out of wack. It's normal to feel closer to your female friends at this age, to be intimidated by boys, and therefore get your wires crossed a little.

The thing is, it' isn't girls in the abstract. She doesn't feel this way around Hershey or Blaze or even Rouge, really - it's just Nicole. Her green eyes that shine when she's excited, her choppy black hair that smells like apples, the way her hands move excitedly when she talks about something she's excited about …

Nicole who is her only real friend.

She tries to put it out of her mind. It's silly - of course she isn't gay. It doesn't make any sense. Sure, some people are. Some people are gay or bi or trans or a million other things and Sally hopes they're all happy and is willing to support their right to get married or have their birth certificates changed, all of that. For a small town Station Square isn't even that small-minded. Tikal Pacha, one of the seventh graders, wears a Pride badge everyday. It's common knowledge that the original song Sonic's older brother performed at the high school talent show was about a messy breakup he had with a male classmate.

It's not that she thinks there's anything wrong with gay or bisexual people … it's just, well, she can't be one of them. It's just not possible. It doesn't even make sense - she's not quirky, she doesn't dye her hair or anything like that. She's been on a straight path her whole life, she does everything that's expected of her. She gets good grades, she doesn't get into trouble, she gets dressed up for family photos and does what she's told. Then someday she'll meet a nice man her family approves of and after an appropriate amount of time they'll get married. She'll work for a couple of years before they have kids. When the kids are old enough she'll host charity events or design stationary or something - like all her married aunts do.

That's the trajectory of her life. She doesn't know what would happen if she tried to stray from the path - if she tripped or stumbled over a loose stone. She doesn't want to find out, so she tries to keep the image in her mind, of her husband and garden parties and Sunday dinner with her parents.

But then she thinks about the way Nicole snorts when she laughs. Or the way she pulls her hair back into a ponytail, slightly damp and smelling of coconut conditioner. The gap between her two front teeth. The way she taps out songs with her fingertips on the table when they're working, how she always makes sure there are Chilli Heatwave Doritos in the house when Sally comes over because she knows they're her favorite.

Those things all seem so much more real.

Even though things are better, they aren't good enough for Sally. Her father always says to never put all her eggs in one basket; she doesn't want to go into highschool with only one real friend. She has to make a change, cement her wobbly position among her peers. She doesn't need to be the most popular girl in the school - she just needs people to like her. She's a little like Tinkerbell. She needs everyone else's approval to live.

First and foremost though, are her parents. So she goes about the graduation party proposal in a way her father will appreciate - she gives a speech, shows them an outline of her plan, provides numbers and figures for catering costs and decorations. She's surprised by how readily they agree. They even make plans to go out to dinner so she and her friends have the place to themselves.

"We're trusting you not to do anything foolish," her father says gruffly. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, thank you."

He pauses. "We'll take Elias with us too. It's not really appropriate to have him around a class of middle-schoolers."

This surprises Sally. She assumed that Elias would be there in the background, keeping an eye on everything. But she knows that her parents are worried about him, that they want to find out what's going on.

Sally has her suspicions. Their bedrooms are right next to each other, after all.

This is a sign that her parents really trust her. She takes it seriously, clearly communicating that there will be zero tolerance for alcohol or anything else illegal. They're slightly too young to really think about underage drinking, but graduation can make things weird.

Nicole comes over a few hours early to help Sally get everything ready. They hang lights up around the garden and tie balloons up over the doorways. Sally orders a dozen pizzas and Nicole hooks her phone up to the sound system. She and Sally have spent hours cultivating this playlist, but privately Sally knows that it was really Nicole's project.

They get ready in Sally's bedroom. Sally turns around to ask Nicole a question and it dies on her lips because she's never seen this much of her before and … she doesn't quite know how to process it.

She catches herself and turns around quickly, shame-faced. She feels disgusted with herself for staring. Even though it's no more revealing than if she were wearing a two-piece swimsuit, even though she's willingly changing her clothes in the same room, Sally feels like she's violating her.

You have to stop this.

That's the night Sally has her first kiss.

The music is loud. They're high on the excitement and sugar. Fiona coyly suggests a game of Spin The Bottle, smirking at Sally. Sally knows that Fiona expects her to get prissy and prim, turn into the moral police, be the killjoy. So she holds her head high and says it sounds like a great idea.

Mina and Silver. Jet and Hershey. Sonic and Wave. Silver and Sticks. Blaze and Maria refuse to take part, Maria because she has a boyfriend and Blaze because … well, that's Blaze. When Fiona spins it the bottle for the third time, it lands on Nicole. There are a couple of nervous titters, and Sally's stomach drops. She expects (hopes?) that Fiona will roll her eyes and insist on a do-over. Instead she raises an eyebrow questioningly at Nicole who hesitates for a second before leaning over and their lips meet.

It's swift, like all the other kisses have been (apart from Jet and Hershey's frankly disgusting display) but Sally feels like her world is imploding - especially when Nicole and Fiona break apart and she sees the faint pink flush on Nicole's cheeks.

"That's hot," Jet says and Sally wants to slap him. But she bites her tongue, too scared to say anything.

Surprisingly, Fiona is the one to call him out for his skeevy behaviour.

"Oh? Why don't you kiss Sonic then?" she says cooly. "Put on a show for us girls?"

Jet storms off after that.

"Damn," Sonic sighs. "Rejected again."

Sally giggles. She tries to catch Nicole's eye, to see if she's laughing too, but her smile fades as she sees her friend staring down at the ground. Sally nudges her, looking at her questioningly. Nicole smiles, but she looks preoccupied … her cheeks are still pink …

Fiona has already moved on. "Ken, your turn!"

Sally's stomach sinks as the bottle lands in front of her. She can hardly bear to look at Fiona's smirk or Ken's earnest and anxious expression. Her heart twinges in pity and she tries to get it over with as quickly as possible, bumping noses in the process.

She wasn't expecting fireworks or anything, but for a first kiss it's pretty anticlimactic. She tries to figure out what she's feeling, but she's mainly just aware of the smell of his hair gel. It makes her nose itch. The main adjective that comes to her mind is 'wet'. She doesn't feel anything when she pulls away, other than mild embarrassment over Ken's moon-struck expression.

"It didn't mean anything," she tells Nicole before she goes home. "Like, I don't like him like that."

"I know," Nicole says. "You might want to tell him that though."

Sally groans. Nicole laughs, though it isn't mean-spirited. She still seems distracted. For some reason, she doesn't bring up her kiss with Fiona. Sally doesn't either, because even though watching it made her stomach twist … it set off some kind of spark inside her.

"Do you think everyone enjoyed themselves?" Sally asks, chewing on her lip. It's easier to pretend that's what she's most worried about right now.

"Everyone had an amazing time," Nicole insists.

"Really?"

"Really," Nicole insists. Her eyes are shining and she looks genuinely happy for her.

Later, Sally realises that this is what she loves most about Nicole. Her parents act like they're proud of her, are mildly pleased when she gets straight As or makes a dazzling impression at an event. But these are all things that they expect of her anyway, so it's never that noteworthy. But Nicole takes so much joy in everything Sally does and shares in her excitement. Her family tells her she's special, her teachers too, but Nicole is the first person who actually makes her feel that way.

The next morning Sally finds Nicole's grey flannel shirt in her bedroom. She puts it in her drawer and waits for Nicole to text her, to ask for it back.

The text never comes. The flannel stays hidden in her drawer, like a secret.

Suddenly they're in highschool. It's freshmen year and they're at the bottom of the pile. It comes as a relief to Sally. It's easier for her to hold her head up and walk tall when everyone is trying to find their footing, not just her (and her unexpected growth spurt certainly helped). She's still on a high from her party and the social credit she's acquired - she was invited to more birthdays this Summer than she'd been in the previous two years combined. It also helps that her brother is a Junior, so she's on speaking terms with a couple of his friends. Even Fiona has been nicer. It seems that kissing a boy was the final hurdle Sally had to cross to get accepted - and hey, that almost makes the longing looks Ken keeps shooting her worth it.

But underneath the newfound confidence, she's still the same old eager-to-please Sally. She's just better at hiding it. She listens to people ramble on about their interests, nodding along with what they say, but she doesn't look desperate and people seem to think she's doing them a favour. She joins the debate team, and suddenly the effort she puts into schoolwork is seen as ambitious and driven rather than the behaviour of a suck-up.

It's a relief overall, but anxiety still gnaws away at her. Things are increasingly precarious at home since a business deal of her father's fell through. The fights between Elias and her parents have increased. She spends more of her time at Nicole's. Nicole has taken to braiding her hair and stuffing it underneath a beanie. She's grown too, but it's not as noticeable because of her pronounced slouch. She starts smoking weed and gets a nose ring. It really suits her.

They bake cupcakes and decorate them with smiley faces. They watch dumb shows on Netflix and do personality quizzes. They laugh until their sides ache and it's the only time Sally can really let go.

She tells Nicole about Elias's not-so-secret relationship with Megan, who dropped out of highschool at the start of the year.

"Shit," Nicole says. She offers Sally a blunt, but she shakes her head; she's started drinking in social situations, sipping self-consciously at lukewarm beer and cider, but never enough to let her lose control. She already feels too vulnerable around Nicole, with her lazy smile, soft flannel shirts, and bare legs. Sally picks at her sensible jumper and jeans, toys with the dainty gold chain that hangs around her neck, and watches Nicole try to blow rings with the smoke.

She's not very good at it.

Sally could watch her all day.

Sally's been on a straight path ever since she was born. She's always known the way her life was going to work out, the way her parents wanted it too.

Elias is the rebellious one. The one who sneaks out, who dresses in weird clothes, who brings home a string of 'unsuitable' girls. The dinner table is a battlefield, her father and brother opposing generals. Sally's mother tries to keep the peace, but she also doesn't want to divert from her script.

There has never been space for Sally to be anything but what everyone expects her to be. What they want her to be. She's never had the time to think about how she feels about it, or think about what she wants - which is a weird concept, because she never really wanted a boy and she assumed that that was the case for everyone, that dating and relationships were like doing homework or eating vegetables - you didn't do it because you wanted to. You did it because it was just what you did. In some ways, that was the reason why she was so desperate to make friends. She was used to being by herself and inclined towards introversion anyway … it was so she wouldn't feel abnormal.

But all this had changed since she met Nicole. Nicole has taught her many things - how to make banana pancakes, the way to come first when racing on Rainbow Road, how to get the smell of weed out of her clothes, how to be a good friend …

She's also taught her what it means to want.

They're sitting on a park bench when Nicole tells her.

"I'm bisexual," she says. The words come out in a rush, like they're a band-aid she's trying to tear off. "I've been questioning things for a while and, well … yeah."

Sally doesn't know how to process this.

"I'm sorry if it makes things weird," Nicole says, sounding so vulnerable and apologetic that Sally wants to scoop her in her arms and hug her. She decides that she should, just so she can assure Nicole that of course nothing will change it isn't weird at all you're my best friend. Nicole's face splits into a smile. Sally's heart splits in two as she thinks about the graduation party, the look on Nicole's face when Fiona kissed her …

When Sally goes home she tells her parents she isn't feeling well and wants to go to bed early. She curls up into a ball under her duvet and tears silently fall down her face.

You're being ridiculous the voice in her head chides You have no reason to cry, poor little rich girl in her big fancy house. There are people with real problems, whereas you don't even know what yours is.

It's true, Sally thinks. She doesn't know what her problem is. Nicole is her friend. She should be happy for her.

But then she thinks about her kissing Fiona and lets out an ugly sob. She clamps her hand over her mouth automatically, frozen in fear in case someone is outside her door. After a minute passes and nobody knocks, she lets herself cry again.

Stop this.

She pulls herself together. She tries to think rationally. She goes to Google and reads sob stories from girls whose friends have started dating people and now they feel left out. That must be what it is, because she doesn't want to think about the alternative. It feels so much scarier now, now that she knows Nicole likes girls.

It would be one thing if Nicole couldn't reciprocate, if she only liked guys. If she was able to but just didn't …?

Sally cries herself to sleep, head buried in her pillow so that nobody will hear her.

Google Search History:

How to make a guy like you

How do you know when you like a boy?

She knows what she has to do.

"Do you want me to stick around when Ken arrives?" Nicole asks. "I could be a buffer."

Sally frowns at her reflection, considering it. "I don't want you to be late. The reservation is for seven, right?"

Nicole shrugs. "Dad won't notice if I'm a few minutes late. I took this tutoring job to treat him to a meal out for his birthday, but he's been treating it like such a chore."

Sally reaches out and touches Nicole's arm, squeezing it gently. Nicole looks up and smiles at her, though it doesn't quite meet her eyes. Something inside Sally stirs, and she tries to squash it down.

"You should go," Sally says. "I'll be fine."

Nicole came over to help Sally get ready for Homecoming. Until Ken asked her, she didn't think that she'd go. It feels weird to be going to her first highschool dance without her best friend by her side.

I wish you were coming.

"Do I look okay?" Sally asks, suddenly feeling a little anxious. She'd worn this dress at formal family gatherings, her hair is freshly washed and blow-dried, and her mother has paid for a professional to come and do her makeup - which may have been overkill, but Sally understands the logic. It isn't just her that's on display, after all - it's the whole family. People's parents would see her as they dropped their kids off to the dance, the teachers, maybe even the principal. She has to look her absolute best.

But she isn't thinking about what everyone else thought right now. Just one person.

"You look great," Nicole says. "Seriously. Ken won't know what hit him."

Sally bites her lip. That wasn't what she wanted to know. "No, do you think I look okay?"

Nicole blinks "Me?"

"Yeah," Sally shrugs. She can't bring herself to meet Nicole's eyes, suddenly embarrassed that she'd asked such a stupid question -

Nicole grabs her hands and a jolt of electricity seemed to shoot through Sally, causing her to look up at Nicole's face. Her expression is serious, but her eyes glimmer good-naturedly.

"Sally Acorn," she says meaningfully. "You look gorgeous. Okay? You're easily going to be the prettiest girl at this dance. Trust me." she pauses.

Sally swallows. She wants to say something, but she didn't know what.

That's only because you won't be there.

The words seemed to echo in her brain, but she stopped herself from saying them - she didn't trust herself to sound lighthearted and teasing and girlish. Just a gal complimenting another gal.

Which was all it was, obviously.

Obviously.

"No homo, obviously." Nicole rushes to clarify, suddenly looking a little nervous. Sally wishes she wouldn't do this, not only because it makes a small part of her shrivel up inside and die, but because she knows that Nicole says this to make her feel comfortable. She doesn't want things to be weird between them. A couple of girls already complained about Nicole using the changing room at school.

Ken arrives ten minutes early, pulling nervously at his tie which Sally suspects his mother tied for him. They pose awkwardly for pictures in front of the fireplace. Elias cracks a few jokes, pulling the protective-older-brother routine. Sally knows he is trying to help ease the tension, but it just has the opposite effect.

They make awkward small-talk in the car. Things are slightly better when they get to the school, because the music is loud enough to drown out the silence. They dance for a while and Sally thinks that she can handle this. She feels like a character in a coming-of-age movie she knows all the lines to. A slow song plays and they floor clears, apart from a handful of couples. Ken and Sally join them, shuffling into place. For a second, Sally forgets where her hands are supposed to go.

"I think I'm meant to lead," Ken says. He says it jokingly but it annoys Sally anyway. She tries to figure out what she's supposed to do, glancing around the room for inspiration. Maria's head is resting on Shadow's shoulder. His eyes are closed and he looks uncharacteristically peaceful, smiling as he pulls her closer. Sally looks away, her face burning. She can't do that.

Fiona is standing on the other side of the hall, talking to Mina. Seeing her sparks something in Sally and she decides that she's going to let Ken kiss her. But as soon as she looks back into his earnest blue eyes panic rises in her throat. She waits for the song to end and excuses herself to get some air.

She stands outside, shivering in her knee-length dress. Her jacket is inside, but she can't face the rest of the school right now. She has her clutch though, and she fumbles for her phone.

There are no messages from Nicole. Disappointment washes over Sally, but she knows it isn't fair. Still, the selfish part of her wishes that Nicole were here. That they could have gotten ready together, listening to music and helping each other do their makeup. They could have taken pictures together. Jumped around on the dance floor, not caring who was watching them. And when a slow song came on…

They'd leave the floor. They'd watch other couples dance. They'd go to the bathroom and fix up their hair. They'd stand outside and chat until the fast songs came on again.

Sally's heart ached. She didn't understand it - she was at a highschool dance, wearing an expensive dress, with a guy who really seemed to like her. She was doing everything right.

Why wasn't that enough?

Why wasn't she happy?

What's wrong with me?

"Sally? Are you okay?"

Sonic is standing behind her, looking concerned. Sally straightens up before turning to face him.

"I'm fine!" she says brightly, her face falling into its default smiling position. "I just thought it was a little stuffy inside."

"Right," Sonic hesitates. "Look, I know it's not really my business, but Kahn's looking for you. He seems uh, kind of down."

"Of course," Sally mutters. She closes her eyes briefly, giving herself a split second, before pulling herself back together. "I should go back."

She moves towards the door but Sonic blocks her.

"What are you doing?" she blinks.

"You look like going back inside is the last thing you want to do," he says softly.

"That's not - "

"Let me talk to Kahn," Sonic cuts her off. He's still smiling - he's always smiling, just like her. Unlike Sally though, it doesn't seem like his smile is entirely fake. "I'll distract him for a while and you can keep having your dramatic main-character moment."

Sally bites back a laugh. "Really?"

"Sure. We're friends, right?"

She raises an eyebrow.

"Okay - our brothers are friends," Sonic corrects himself. "But that's enough to get you one favour from me, absolutely free of charge."

"Well, I can't turn up a deal like that." Sally says. She pauses. "It's not that I - I'm just kind of tired, and - "

"No need to explain yourself," Sonic tells her. "See you around, Sal."

"See you, Sonic." she echoes. She's watching him leave when her phone buzzes with a text from Nicole.

Nicole Ellidy: Hope you're having fun tonight! Let me know how it goes X

"How was it?" Nicole asks. They're at Sally's house, listening to music and halfheartedly doing their homework. Sally watches two droplets race down the window, trying to buy herself time before

"It was okay," Sally shrugs. "How was dinner with your dad?"

"Fine," Nicole says automatically. There's a finality to how she says it. Sally knows that this means Nicole doesn't want to talk about it right now, that she's upset but wants to go on acting like she isn't just a little while longer. Sally doesn't pry because she knows that Nicole will tell her what happened later and then she will smoke and they'll share a tub of Cookie Dough ice-cream.

She knows what Nicole wants to ask about Ken, whether or not anything happened. But Nicole also knows Sally well enough to know when she doesn't want to talk about something.

And Sally really really doesn't want to talk about last night.

She felt so guilty about ditching Ken that she let him kiss her again, at the very end of the night when there were just a few stragglers left slow dancing under the lights. She thinks it was better than the first time. Or maybe it was worse. Neither kiss has really registered with her in any meaningful way.

Is this just how it's supposed to be? Maybe it is. She's always thought that kissing looked gross when she saw other people doing it. Over the years she's seen the girls in her grade sigh and fawn over boys who thought fart jokes were the pinnacle of humour and didn't use deodorant properly. Look at all the gorgeous women on TV married to mediocre-looking men. Even teens online joke about how much they wish they weren't attracted to boys.

Look at her parents.

Sure, there are exceptions - Maria and Shadow spring to mind. But those are rarities. Maybe it's normal for the whole romance-dating-boys thing to feel underwhelming. Maybe the songs were lying all along.

But then she looks over at Nicole. She's frowning at her Spanish textbook, tapping her fingers along to the beat of the Mitski song she's playing.

Every word makes sense right then.

"So are you and Ken dating now?" Fiona asks at lunch.

Sally shakes her head. "No. I um, I don't like him like that."

"Poor guy," Fiona pouts. "You could do a lot worse you know. He's really nice."

That doesn't mean I have to date him Sally thinks angrily. She swallows her mouthful of pasta salad and tries to think of something to say. Some kind of excuse.

"I like someone else," she says. Nicole - who has been playing a game on her phone - looks up at her, her eyes wide.

"Seriously?" she asks. "You never told me that!"

Sally has their attention now - Hershey and Fiona are leaning across the table, their eyes shining.

"It's um, a recent development," Sally lies. She feels awkward and brushes a strand of hair from her face, hoping that Nicole will take her embarrassment at face value and not figure out the truth.

"Who is it?" Fiona asks, sounding genuinely curious.

Sally casts her eyes quickly around the cafeteria - what boys are there? She doesn't want to pick a Junior, in case Elias finds out and interrogates her. The Seniors are too intimidating, with their facial hair and muscles. Any sophomores? Shadow is dating Maria, and she is mildly disgusted by the way Knuckles is shoving food into his mouth. That just leaves the boys in their grade; she scans through their names, trying to find a candidate - there must be one she'd be willing to date …

Jet, Geoffrey, Silver -

Then she sees him.

"Sonic," she says simply. She watches him at a table with Silver, Blaze and the rest of his friends, cracking jokes and laughing.

Nicole frowns. Hershey giggles. Fiona raises an eyebrow.

"Interesting choice," she says. "He's pretty cute, now that I think about it."

Sally feels like she's passed another test. She casts her eyes back over to Sonic. The more she thinks about it, the more sense it makes. He's always been nice to her. Their brothers are friends. Everyone likes Sonic. He's funny but doesn't try too hard to make people laugh. He isn't one of the boys who makes jokes about getting back in the kitchen. He's nice. He's cute - which okay, she's never really noticed before now until Fiona said it. But she can notice it now!

What else? He … runs fast? Which seemed to matter a lot when girls were picking crushes in elementary school. She counts that as another point in his favour.

Sally smiles around the table, feeling pleased with herself.

Sonic. Of course. She likes Sonic.

Now she just has to make sure that he never finds out.

"So … Sonic?" Nicole asks as they walk to her house after school.

"What about him?" Sally responds.

"Just, you've never mentioned it before," Nicole says. She's trying to sound casual, punctuating the sentence with a shrug, but Sally hears the strain in her voice, can see the way her brow is furrowed slightly.

"We got talking at the dance," Sally says - which isn't a lie. "Anyway," she continues, blushing slightly - why is this so awkward? This is supposed to make things easier - "It's not like we spend a lot of time talking about relationships in general. Or crushes."

Nicole pauses. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do you?" Sally asks. Her heart is racing and she hugs her books close to her chest, like a shield.

Nicole wrinkles up her nose. "Boys are boring," she says. "And there aren't any queer girls in this school - out ones anyway. I'll just have to live vicariously through you instead!"

Sally almost brings up Fiona, but decides against it. There's no point putting ideas in Nicole's head.

Christmas is quiet at the Acorn household, but traditional. Stockings by the roaring fire, egg-nog and mulled wine, everyone dressed in their best clothes to eat a massive meal. Sally and Elias watch Home Alone in the living room, Sally on the sofa and Elias in an armchair. They haven't spoken much. Elias keeps glancing down at his phone, probably texting his not-so-secret girlfriend.

Sally pulls a blanket around her and checks her own messages. There are more from Nicole than usual - links to videos, memes, songs she thinks Sally would like. She finds the holidays lonely. Her father doesn't even wrap her presents, and they just get take-out.

Sally wishes that she could invite Nicole over - she smiles as she imagines her decorating a tree, singing along to corny songs as they make mince-pies, the two of them squashed up together on the sofa as they watch movies. But her parents are firm - Christmas is for family.

Sally and Elias throw a New Year's Party at the hotel - with their parents permission. Sally has her parents trust now after her last party, so this time she brings out all the stops, bribing certain key members of staff so that they'll turn a blind eye to what people have in their hip-flasks. She's a good negotiator. Elias watches her in admiration.

"You should be running this place," he tells her. "Not me."

Sally's never thought about it before. She wonders if he's joking but no, he looks deadly serious.

Elias goes missing for most of the night. He doesn't seem to be anywhere in the hotel. It turns out that he went back home with Megan to take advantage of the empty house. Unfortunately, their parents came home early.

Sally swallows as she hears the argument that follows the next morning. If this is their reaction to Elias dating the 'wrong girl', she doesn't want to imagine their reaction if she were to ever express interest in a girl.

"Are you sure you don't want to play?"

"I'm good," Sally says. She's curled up on the sofa, cradling a cup of tea. "I'd rather watch."

Nicole looks doubtful. "We can do something else. This can't be fun for you."

"It is!"

"Sally," Nicole says, raising an eyebrow. "You don't even like video games."

But I like watching you play them, Sally thinks. I like watching you scrunch up your face when you're focusing on a tricky part, the way your eyes widen a little when something exciting happens, the way your eyes shine when you figure something out. The times we played together, I'd throw the game on purpose just so I could see your face when you win.

"I'm kind of tired," she says lightly. "I just want to rest for a while.

There's a Sadie Hawkins dance coming up. The concept is kind of ridiculous in the twenty-first century, but tradition is tradition. She briefly considers asking Sonic, but Mina beats her too it.

Nicole relays the news, sounding sympathetic. Sally remembers to look disappointed, but mostly she's relieved. Having a crush is one thing, but she doesn't really want to make any kind of move. She and Nicole decide to go to the dance together - strictly platonically, of course.

They go dress shopping the Saturday before the dance. Sally helps Nicole pick out a dress but honestly, she can't tell any of them apart. With her long black hair, lean lithe body, and big green eyes, Nicole looks beautiful in everything she tries on.

A lot of the girls end up going in groups, or with a female friend. Tangle and Whisper are among them, though by the end of the night they're kissing quite passionately so they've become decidedly non platonic.

Sally casts her eyes around, looking to see how people are reacting. Nobody seems to care. Nicole looks slightly wistful as she sees them and it's like something stabs her through the heart. She wants to give Nicole everything she wants but she doesn't know how.

Mina and Sonic are holding hands. A few days later she hears that they're officially 'a thing'.

Sally freezes as they walk past her locker, hand-in-hand. Nicole sees her reaction and slams her own locker door shut.

"I don't know what he sees in her," she mutters, glaring out from underneath her fringe. "Seriously."

"Mina's nice," Sally says, her voice strained. She's watching them disappear down the hallway. Mina looks delighted, blushing prettily as she smiles around at everyone. Sonic looks … like Sonic. Like he always does.

"You're allowed to feel upset Sal," Nicole tells her, frowning. "You don't have to be perfect all the time. Especially when Mina steals your man."

Sally doesn't say anything. Nicole takes this as a sign that she's deeply upset and takes it upon herself to lead a one-woman mission to cheer her up. She bails on her lunchtime coding workshop so the two of them can go to Deja Brew and drink frothy hot chocolate. Anytime Mina or Sonic appear within five feet of them, Nicole shoves her phone in Sally's face to show her memes or dumb videos until they've passed. She invites Sally over on Saturday, breaks out the ice-cream and popcorn, and they sit on Nicole's and watch every one of Sally's favourite films projected onto the wall.

Sally's not sure what she's feeling. It's weird but even though Sonic's her crush, she never really thought about what would happen if her feelings were reciprocated. It didn't affect how she talked to him when they crossed paths in the hallway. But it hurts to know that he's with Mina - it feeds into her inferiority complex, the way she needs everyone to like her. And she doesn't know what to do now. Should she pick a new crush? She can't think of any other guy she'd be willing to date. She doesn't even want to date Sonic, not yet - maybe when they're older, so they can go to prom together and her parents can take pictures of the two of them.

But now he has Mina. Sure, statistically they're unlikely to stay together very long, given how young they are, but what if they do?

"Do you want me to order food?" Nicole asks. It's the first time she's spoken in a while - she's been staring at the film with a glassy expression. Sally feels a sudden surge of affection. Nicole hates period dramas, even the ones with Keira Knightley in them. But she hasn't glanced at her phone or complained even once - she's only moved to get them another tub of Baked Alaska ice cream from the freezer.

"That sounds good," Sally replies. "If you want to call them, I'll pay - "

"Don't be an idiot," Nicole says, nudging her and rolling her eyes. "What kind of friend would I be if I made you pay for your comfort food?"

"You're a great friend," Sally says. It comes out more seriously than she intends, but it's the truth. They get burgers and fries, washed down with strawberry milkshakes (more food that would never be allowed in Sally's house, not with her mom and her weird trendy diets), and as the sky darkens outside Sally rests her head on Nicole's lap and lets Nicole braid sections of her hair.

Maybe heartbreak isn't so bad, she thinks. Not when this is the result.

Their freshman year draws to a close; birthday parties, the regional debate tournament, finals season, punctuated by family dinners and obligations. At the dinner table Sally's mother wonders aloud if there's been any 'young gentleman' whose caught her eye. Elias snorts as Sally chokes on her glass of chilled fizzy water.

"No," she says as brightly as she can manage. "I suppose I've been too busy."

Mina and Sonic break up. Sally's suspicions were first raised by the moody selfies and song lyrics that suddenly appear on Mina's Instagram story, and the news is confirmed by Elias who has heard it from Manic.

"Poor Mina," Sally says sympathetically. She's always found Mina a little intense, but she does genuinely feel bad for her.

"Poor Sonic," Elias retorts, pouring himself a bowl of cereal. It's gone noon but he's only just woken up. Their mother is at a Pilates class and their father is playing golf (or so he says - Sally's not an idiot). "Apparently Mina didn't take the news well and he's paying the price."

He picks at his muesli, pulling a disgusted face as he takes out the sultanas. "Where are the banana chips gone?"

"My bad," Sally grins, feeling childishly pleased when she sees his disgruntled expression. He flicks a raisin at her and she deflects it with her Algebra textbook. It's almost like old times.

But it doesn't last. He leaves the table to shower, and then he spends ages gelling his hair. Sally knows he's going to meet Megan, that they're seeing each other. She likes Megan - she was always really nice to her when they were in middle school together - but she's still worried about what might happen when their parents get involved. Part of her wants to assure herself that Elias is a flirt, he isn't going to get his heart broken or anything like that. But this seems different. He seems different.

He seems happy.

That familiar feeling stirs inside her, the same prickling sensation she's associated with her big brother for most of their life. Envy.

Elias has been given everything from the moment he was born. He wasn't just the first child, he was the son. So of course, everything has always revolved around him.

Sally isn't stupid. She isn't prone to self-pity. She knows she's extremely privileged, that she has been afforded many chances due to her class, and that glass-ceiling feminism is outdated. She also knows that her parents love her, even though they're extremely flawed. She also knows that it's hard on Elias too, that the last thing he wants to do is take over the company.

(Sally isn't really sure if that's what she wants to do in her life either, but she'd like the option. She'd definitely be better at it than 'just-print-more-money' Elias)

But if Elias wanted to take over the company, if he was a carbon-copy of their father, things would be easier on her. She wouldn't feel so much pressure to live up to their expectations, they would have been more relaxed with her growing up. It's hard not to feel resentful.

It's also hard not to envy him for his courage, for how he's willing to put his heart on the line for a chance at happiness.

There's only a week left of school, and most of the teachers have given up actually trying to teach and let them watch movies or play hangman. Some carry on, like good old Egghead, who drones on and on while the sun streams in through the windows. The lab feels like the inside of an oven. Sally feels her attention slipping during those final class periods and with Nicole in Music during this period, more often than not her eyes wander over to Sonic. After the tinfoil incident, he has to sit at the front of the room and she stares at the back of his neck, trying to make sense of things.

She wonders if she should make a move. She doesn't have an excuse now, after all. It might be easier now that Summer's approaching, so they can spend time together away from school, so that when sophomore year comes around she'll be comfortable. There isn't a popularity hierarchy the same way there was at middle school, especially among the freshman class, but deep down she knows that the two of them are probably golden - though Sonic shines a little brighter. He's athletic, he's charming, and just generally more likeable than she is. He gets along with everyone. Maybe some of his charm would rub off on her if they were a couple. She imagines Fiona and Hershey looking at her with respect as they walk down the hallway together. She imagines sitting at that lunch table, feeling like she's finally a part of things (she will not spill food over Rouge), and having him over for dinner so he can meet her parents. She imagines holding his hand at dances in front of the whole school …

Then she thinks of Nicole.

The bell rings. Sonic is out of the room like a bullet, on his way to whatever he has last period on a Friday. Sally knows that she could catch up with him if she wanted to, pull him aside … it needn't be a grand proposition, she could just see if he wanted to catch a movie sometime.

But something pulls her back and she makes her way to Spanish where they're watching subtitled CSI. They clear out their lockers. Some students get on busses, but most of them walk with away with their friends. Sally throws a start-of-Summer party the next day and the house is filled once again. Her parents have left for the weekend this time, now that they trust her completely. There's alcohol. There's weed. There are couples taking advantage of all of the space in their mansion, the spare rooms that only the housekeepers will ever see.

Sonic doesn't show up. Maria explains in hushed tones that he didn't think it would be fair on Mina, who is knocking back vodka like it's mineral water.

He's just gone through a breakup Sally tells herself. He needs time to get over it before you ask him out.

She doesn't know if she's resigned or relieved. Nicole waves her over to where she's talking to a couple of band-geeks. Sally smiles and joins her, all thoughts of Sonic vanishing from her mind.

Her father's trying to acquire more buildings. It means that he's working longer hours, which means Sally can relax a little at home. She lolls around in her pyjamas in the mornings. She makes banana pancakes and sings along to the playlists that Nicole's made her over the last two years.

She meets Megan - for the first time since she and Elias have become a thing - when she comes downstairs a little after noon, yawning in one of Elias's t-shirts. She freezes when she sees Sally and a few seconds later Elias appears behind her, looking sheepish.

"Thought you'd be at the gym with mom," he mutters.

"I was just - " Megan begins, but Sally cuts her off.

"Do you guys want pancakes?" she asks. "I've made too many."

They sit at the table together, laughing. She and Elias tease each other - she pokes him with her fork, he ruffles her hair, and Megan rolls her eyes and tries to hide her amusement. She leaves immediately after the meal - she has motorcycles to fix, and their mother will be home soon - but she hugs Sally before she goes.

"Any plans?" Elias asks Sally.

"Nothing," Sally says. "You?"

"Nothing," he grins. "Want to watch something?"

They sit in the living room and watch The Office. It's almost like old times.

It doesn't last though. Her father's business dealings eventually lead to more formal dinners, and then there are the family events like the garden parties, the wedding anniversaries, the birthdays and Christenings.

Nicole has gone to coding/computer camp where she is going to be the youngest Senior Counsellor. She has been given two cycles, which means she'll be gone for two months. Sally tries not to feel disappointed. Nicole can't afford to turn down more paid work.

They text every day. Nicole calls her on her birthday to tell her that her present is in the post. It shows up a few days later, her address written in purple marker. There's at least a dozen cards, all individually designed by some of the campers ("To Nicole's best-friend Sally!") during their photoshop module, and a clumsily wrapped package It's a small, clumsily-wrapped parcel. Sally waits until the last minute to open it, after the family dinner and gifts. New laptop. A cashmere sweater. Expensive makeup. Luxury scented candles. Lululemon exercise gear. She thanks them all and then runs upstairs.

Nicole has made her a mixtape. She has also, thoughtfully, given Sally the details for the Spotify version. She listens to it on her new laptop as she turns the tape over in her hands. Nicole has gone to the trouble of designing cover-art, and she has handwritten the tracklist in her scratchy scrawl.

The last song is the one they danced to.

Even though it was almost two years ago, when she hears the opening notes Sally is transported right back to Nicole's kitchen. She can hardly breathe. When it ends she listens to it again. And again. Over and over. Does this mean something?

She should text Nicole to thank her. But she can't bring herself to - not yet. Because it feels like she's here right now in this room, and texting would disrupt the illusion. Not knowing what's come over her, Sally goes to the bottom of her drawer and pulls out Nicole's forgotten flannel, pressing her face into it. She tries to breathe in the last trace of Nicole's scent.

I don't need the world to see

That I've been the best I can be, but

I don't think I could stand to be

Where you don't see me

Sally doesn't know it yet, but when she looks back on this moment, months later, she will realise that this was the moment she fell in love.

It's the last Friday of Summer vacation. The last Friday before sophomore year.

Nicole offers Sally the shower first, which she gladly accepts. She scrubs herself raw under the lukewarm water, not knowing what she's trying to achieve except that it's a punishment for something. She reaches for the shampoo and conditioner and her throat tightens because now she smells like Nicole.

While Nicole is in the shower Sally looks through Sonic's social-media accounts, staring at all of his photos. Her eyeballs start to burn with the strain. She focuses on his chiseled jaw, his piercing eyes, the curve of his smile, the faint presence of muscles underneath his jacket.

Then Nicole pads back into the room in her bare feet and damp hair, and Sally loses her train of thought. Nicole looks over Sally's shoulder to see what she's looking at.

"You'd better make a move," Nicole tells her. "Sonic won't stay single for long."

Sally flushes and drops the phone, as though she's been caught doing something wrong.

"What makes you say that?"

Nicole rolls her eyes. "I'm just saying - since Jet and Wave got together, and Silver's obviously in love with Blaze, there are fewer dateable guys in our grade. Unless you fancy a freshman toy-boy?"

Sally throws a pillow at her, laughing to mask her panic. Why is Nicole suddenly talking about dating like this? Like it's a fact of life? They were having a nice time together -

"I don't need a boyfriend to be happy," Sally says. "If something happens it happens, but …" she shrugs.

Nicole chews on her lip but doesn't say anything. They go back to Netflix, drinking strawberry cider while their hair dries. Sally knows she's going to wake up with a frizzy head, that she'll have to use a truckload of serum and styling gel to get it back into shape when she goes home, but Nicole rests her head on her shoulder and she finds that she doesn't mind.

The room is musky. Sally wonders if you can get high from secondhand marijuana smoke - she certainly feels more relaxed, but that could be a placebo. Or the strawberry cider. She doesn't drink much, only socially and rarely more than two drinks in an evening and even those are carefully spaced out. The alcohol percentage in the ciders isn't high, but she's on her third now, the lights are low, they're listening to music …

At home Sally does an extensive skincare routine in the evenings, drinks a cup of chamomile tea, and turns off her phone so she can read a little before bed. Nicole has half a packet of make-up wipes on her bedside table, so that's what she uses instead. Sally enjoys the novelty of it, as well as the fact that they don't need to set an alarm. Her father rises at 7AM every morning and expects the rest of the family to be up by 7.30 so that they can join him for breakfast. But Nicole lives a life without alarms. There's no rush, no expectation.

Nicole's eyes are heavy-lidded with sleep. It's nearly 2AM. Sally feels wide awake, still a little giggly from the cider, but she yawns performatively so that Nicole will suggest they go to bed.

Nicole offers her the single-bed and Sally declines, as usual, panic prickling her skin. She doesn't think she'd be able to sleep a wink, knowing she was lying where Nicole did every night.

Nicole needs noise to sleep, so she turns the music down even lower. The lights are out, but the moon casts a faint glow and Nicole has old glow-in-the-dark stars stuck up in constellation formations on her ceiling. She and her dad spent a whole day working on it one weekend when Nicole was going through a space phase as a kid. They're peeling at the corners now, but Sally knows Nicole will never take them down.

Nicole's head hits the pillow and she's silent. Sally is drifting off to sleep when suddenly Nicole speaks - she's seemingly been awake the entire time.

"Did you know that Fiona's bi?"' her voice sounds small, tentative.

Sally opens her eyes. Her heart is thumping. "I didn't."

Nicole is quiet again, and even though Sally can't see her face she knows that she wants to say something else.

"She uh, the two of us have been texting," Nicole explains and Sally can tell she's blushing - she imagines the red flush spreading across her cheeks, her expression the same as it was when they played spin the bottle and no no no Sally wants to scream … but of course she doesn't.

"What do you mean by texting?" she asks slowly, trying to keep her tone even.

"You know what I mean," Nicole says.

"Like …" Sally struggles to say the word. "Romantically?"

Nicole doesn't say anything for a few painful seconds, and Sally takes it as confirmation.

"Do you like her?" she asks and part of herself internally winces because hates how she sounds, but she can't think straight -

"I don't not like her," Nicole says, a little defensively. "I guess. I don't know. Maybe I could like her if I got to know her more."

Sally scoffs - audibly - and instantly regrets it. Nicole suddenly sits up in her bed, her face glowering at her in the half-light.

"Why are you being so mean?" Nicole asks and she sounds so genuinely hurt that Sally's heart cracks a little. "You're my best friend. You're supposed to be supporting me."

"It's just - Fiona?"

"What's wrong with Fiona?" Nicole demands.

"I just - she's sort of - " a bitch "- is she even your type?"

"I don't know," there's a trace of bitterness in Nicole's voice "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly spoiled for choice when it comes to girls. As for the guys, well - even if I liked any of them, do you think any of them even look at me when I'm with you?"

Sally flushes. "You're being ridiculous."

"Ken. Mighty, Geoffrey - "

"Geoffrey St John?" Sally blinks in surprise. He used to throw paper balls at her during Algebra.

"- Is it that surprising?" Nicole asks her. "Really?

"It's not true," Sally insists. She's trying to convince herself as much "Trust me."

"Sally," Nicole says, and the edge has left her voice - now she just sounds sad. "Do you think that little of yourself?"

Sally swallows. Because the truth is, she doesn't. She knows she's pretty, conventionally speaking. It's not all genetics - she can afford expensive products, her family eat premium organic food, she has a healthy glow from exercise, she gets nine hours of sleep (when she's not with Nicole, anyway) …

I just don't see why anyone would look at me when I'm with you. The way your eyes light up when you're excited about something, the way you flick your hair out of your face, the dimples that appear on your cheeks when you smile, the way your shirt always dips down one side and shows your shoulder because you wear your dad's old flannel shirts and they're way too big for you …

"I know you and Fiona haven't always gotten along," Nicole continues. "I know she was a bit of a bitch in middle school, but people can change, right? I don't want to lose you if anything happens between me and her."

But I will lose you.

"It probably won't, anyway." Nicole shrugs. "I mean - maybe I'm not her type either. I don't know." she pauses. "That's why I wanted to talk to you about it. Like, I don't know, that's what friends do right? That's why I've tried being there for you with Ken, with Sonic - "

"I don't mean to sound unsupportive," Sally says. "I just …I don't think Fiona deserves you."

Nicole smiles sadly. "I don't think any of those guys deserve you either. But I guess …" she trails off.

"You guess what?" Sally asks. Her heart is in her throat.

"I guess I'm a little biased," Nicole shifts uncomfortably. Somehow she can't quite meet Sally's eyes. "It's stupid - it's just - "

"It's just what?" Sally asks again. Her heart is thumping even louder now. Because she thinks she's starting to recognise the emotion crossing Nicole's face, the emotion she can see clearly even though it's dark, because she sees them in her reflection every day … it's the feeling of being weighed down by a secret, of holding part of yourself back because you're scared of what people might say -

"I think I'm still a little high," Nicole says slowly. "Look, it's really dumb. I didn't even know it at the time because I was in the closet, even to myself, but I guess when we were in middle school … I had a crush on you."

Sally can't breathe. Nicole notices and seems to take it as a bad sign.

"It's stupid, right?" she laughs - but Sally knows its fake because it's a little too-high pitched. She knows that what Nicole is really feeling is fear. "But by the time I realised what I was feeling, we were best friends. I didn't want to change that, I didn't want to scare you off. So I just …" she waved her hand. "It doesn't matter. I know you're not - you know - "

Sally barely hears what she's saying because her head is all of the blood in her body is rushing to her head, clouding her senses, her ability to think rationally, to assess risks and reward. She thinks apple shampoo and dancing in the kitchen and grey flannel shirt. She thinks falling asleep in each other's laps and braiding each other's hair and mixtapes and black lace and a bare torso.

She's not thinking at all when she moves to the edge of Nicole's bed. When she reaches out and brushes her hair back from her face so their eyes meet. When she leans in and kisses her.

She's not thinking at all when Nicole - after the briefest flicker of hesitation - kisses her back.

That's all instinct.

It's all instinct in a way that it never was when she kissed Ken. Their kisses were awkward and stilted. It was nothing like this which is amazing because it's all the same basic action. The same collision of bodies, of mouths. But comparing what it was like to kiss Ken with what it's like to kiss Nicole is like comparing drizzle to an ocean.

I didn't know it could feel like this.

Nicole falls back onto her pillow and they break apart. They can barely see each other but they're both breathing hard. Sally pushes herself onto her knees and leans over Nicole. She can only make out the faintest outline of her body, her hair spread out behind her and her eyes are filled with glow-in-the-dark stars.

"Sally," Nicole whispers. "Sally - I - "

Sally rests her forehead on top of hers and closes her eyes. Even though they're not really dressed and Nicole's central heating doesn't work, their bodies are burning against each other. Nicole's bare leg brushes past Sally's and she wants to cry out in anger because if she wasn't wearing long flannel pyjamas their skin would have made contact -

Should I take them off? The thought hits her like a lightning bolt, setting her body further on fire. The thoughts have come before, in flashes, but they were easier to ignore, to write off as intrusive moments of curiosity when Nicole wasn't trembling underneath her, when her chest wasn't rising and falling, and when she didn't know how soft her lips were …

"Is this - ?" Nicole begins but she cuts herself off, swallowing. "I mean - "

"You tell me," Sally whispers in response. She's trembling now too and something rises in her throat - fear. The shock of her sudden urges has brought her crashing down to reality. Her brain is working again and she's overanalysing everything - Did she brush her teeth well enough? What is she supposed to do with her hands? What is she doing?

Nicole seems to sense that something's changed. She shifts so she's sitting slightly upright, her head tilted just enough so that she can press her lips against Sally's. It's fleeting, the faintest of touches, but it makes Sally's heart flutter again.

"Nicole - "

"Sally - "

They both stop, giggling nervously.

"Ladies first," Nicole teases.

"Brains before beauty," Sally retorts.

"I think you've got me beat on both counts," Nicole tells her.

"You're much prettier than me," Sally tells her. Nicole stills but for once doesn't argue - maybe because she knows Sally means it, that it isn't just girls paying their friends over the top compliments. She isn't being self-deprecating for the sake of it, she's not expecting Nicole to say 'ugh stop have you SEEN you xxx ?' the way girls in their school do on their friend's Insta posts.

"I think you're perfect," Sally whispers.

"I know you're not," Nicole says, her voice surprisngly soft. "That's why I like you so much."

Sally's heart is ready to burst out of her chest. She opens her mouth and then -

Her phone rings.

They pull apart like they've been scalded, red-faced. Sally nearly trips over the camp-bed in her haste to get to the phone. She nearly drops it when she sees that it's her parents ringing her - did they know what was happening?

"Hello? Mom?"

"Sally - where is your brother?" Her mother sounds close to hysterics. In the background she can hear someone moving around, slamming doors; her father.

"Aren't you guys meant to be at the event in Golden Hive?" Sally asks. She feels herself relax that she's off the hook, but she feels a surge of annoyance at her brother because seriously, couldn't he let her have one night?

"Your father wasn't feeling well," her mother says. "We came home early. I did text you. But when we got here, Elias was gone. Do you know where he is?"

"No," Sally says. She is trying to sound as calm as possible. It doesn't seem to be working - Nicole looks at her and mouths Are you okay? Sally turns away. It doesn't feel right to be looking at Nicole, her bare legs and flushed cheeks, when she is talking to her mother. "Did you try calling him?"

Her mother doesn't seem to have noticed that anything was wrong with Sally. "He won't answer. This really is the last straw - he can't keep doing this to us - what if something terrible happened?" she rambles on, her voice climbing higher and higher. Sally hears her father in the background getting louder and louder. She felt a tremor in her chest. She knows that underneath the anger, her father is as worried about Elias as her mother is. This is the one thing that Elias doesn't seem to understand. Their parents love him. That doesn't excuse everything they do or say to him, she knows this, but it's hard to sympathise with him right now when he's probably curled up in bed with Megan and their parents are worried out of their minds. She thinks about the two of them, alone in that big empty house, unable to comfort each other. Tears fill her eyes but she blinks hard and tells her mother that she'll get a taxi home right away.

Nicole helps her gather up their stuff. They do it in silence and the atmosphere is strained. For some reason, with the lights on and the music off, the chemistry between them feels claustrophobic. Nicole turns around so that Sally can take off her pyjamas and struggle into her jeans, and it feels inauthentic somehow … but Sally isn't sure if she can handle Nicole watching her undress, even though they've undressed around each other before. It feels different now.

They dither at the door as the taxi pulls up, unsure whether or not they should hug or …?

"I'll see you in school?" Nicole says, like it's a question.

"See you on Monday," Sally replies. She hesitates - there are so many things that she wanted to say, but she can't string the words together now. Not here, under the harsh hallway lights as she's running out the door to her parents.

Nicole opens her mouth but the taxi driver waves out the window, signaling that Sally needs to hurry up. Sally mutters a quick goodbye and runs to the car without looking back.

Sally is terrified that her parents will take one look at her and know what happened. She knows it's ridiculous, but she's still relieved when they don't say anything. Her mother asks if they had fun, but her eyes are glued to the clock, her fingers playing with the string of pearls around her neck (a guilt present from her husband) and Sally knows she isn't really listening. She makes chamomile tea and texts Elias over and over again, telling him he has to come back right now or she will never cover for him and Megan again -

He's back within the hour. Their mother cries. Their father roars. Elias sits there, taking it, and then goes to his room. He rolls his eyes at Sally as he passes her.

You could have texted mom," she tells him the next morning. "You could have made up an excuse."

Elias scoffs. "I shouldn't have to explain myself. I'm nearly eighteen - I'm nearly an adult."

"They were really worried," she says.

"Like I care," Elias mutters. She can tell from the flash of guilt in his eyes that he does care, he's just not going to do anything about it. He goes back to his drawing, sketching out trees with screaming mouths and long spindly arms. He's always been into fantasy.

Sally watches him, torn between wanting to break down and cry, and wanting to scream. Instead she turns and walks out the room, back down the stairs to the kitchen where her parents are eating.

"Ah Sally," her father says, his eyebrows raised like he's genuinely pleased to see her.

"Good morning," she says, smiling at the two of them. She woke up an hour earlier this morning so she could fix her hair, and she's wearing the pale pink sweater they got her for her last birthday. She knows how she must look in their eyes - their pretty, perfect child.

"Are you excited about sophomore year?" her mother asks. "Are there any boys you're looking forward to seeing?"

Sally smiles and smiles until her cheeks ache.

Someone has to care, Elias. One of us has to make them happy.

It's the first Friday of sophomore year.

"Hey,"

Sally freezes; her face slips for an instant before she turns around, smiling, to face Nicole.

"Hi Nicole," Sally says breezily. "How was your first week back?"

Nicole isn't smiling.

"Why haven't you answered my texts?" Nicole asks, her voice low. Her green eyes are dark with hurt. Sally's heart is racing - it's just nerves, it's just nerves, there's a logical explanation -

"I've been busy," Sally tells her. "I - "

"You freaked out," Nicole says flatly. "About what I told you."

Panic rises once more in Sally's throat, like bile.

"I knew this would happen," Nicole looks so upset that for a split second Sally considers dropping her books to the ground so that she can hold her in her arms, so that she can apologise for ghosting her, for ignoring the tentative 'should-we-talks?' and 'hope everything's okays!' and the plaintive 'please-talk-to-mes', so that she can promise that she's going to try to be brave-

But before she can say or do anything, Nicole takes a deep breath. "Look - I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said … well, anything, It was just a crush from when we were kids, it wasn't that big of a deal. And we'd been drinking, I'd been smoking … and I'm the one who started it, telling you about how I used to like you. Acting like it was some big secret. The only reason I kept it hidden was because I didn't want to make things weird between us. Because you're my best friend, and I don't want to mess that up." Nicole looks sheepish. "You can see how well that turned out."

"You didn't make things weird," Sally says, but her own voice sounds faraway. The wheels in her head are turning - business instincts, self preservation.

Nicole is offering her an out - whether she knows it or not.

"I'm sorry," Sally says. "You're right - we were drinking and things got messy. Honestly, I barely even remember what happened."

Even as she says it, she is backtracking over the memory in her head. A drunken kiss between friends. It happens. It's normal. That's what all the websites say.

"So … we're okay?" Nicole asks hesitantly. She's chewing on her lips - Sally feels something inside her shrivel up as she looks at them, remembering how it felt to kiss them.

Because you were drinking. It's only because you were drinking. You and Ken didn't drink when you kissed, that's why it felt completely different.

"Of course," Sally says. "We're best friends, right?"

Nicole's eyes light up and after a moment's hesitation she pulls Sally in for a quick hug. Sally reciprocates, trying desperately not to breathe in the scent of Nicole's shampoo. They break apart and Nicole is smiling at her, that lazy half-lidded eyes smile she knows so well -

"Do you want to go to Déja Brew for lunch?" Sally asks. "I heard they've brought out their Autumn drinks menu - "

"Oh um," Nicole's face turns red. Sally feels her stomach lurch suddenly because she knows what's coming before the words have left Nicole's mouth -

"Fiona actually texted me last night to see if I wanted to go with her," Nicole explains. A piece of hair has come loose from under her beanie and she pushes it back into place. Sally's heart breaks watching her.

"Is it a date?" she asks brightly, as if she isn't being torn apart.

Nicole shrugs, but a smile is playing on her lips. She glances over to the end of their row of lockers, where Fiona is organising her books. Sally swallows the lump in her throat and smiles again.

"Let me know how it goes, okay?" she asks. "I want to hear all of the details."

Nicole's smile widens. "Thanks, Sal. I'll see you later, okay?"

"See you," Sally says. She watches Nicole make her way to Fiona and something snaps in her chest. She slams her locker door shut and walks to the bathroom. It's mercifully empty - the bell is about to ring any minute, and she's going to be late for first period but she doesn't care right now. She stares at her reflection in the mirror, blinking hard and willing the tears to disappear. A single one races down her cheek and she wipes it furiously away. There's a streak of grey across her face from the running mascara, and her make-up is smudged. She'll have to touch it up before she goes to class. She has to look perfect before she can face everyone.

I know you're not perfect. That's why I like you so much.

Sally swallows again.

It's hard, having to be perfect all the time. There's always so much pressure, and Sally often feels like she's going to drown under the weight of all of the expectations people have placed on her; the perfect student, the perfect daughter …

It's suffocating. It's restricting.

But it's the role she's been playing her whole life. She doesn't know who she is beneath the lacquer but she knows one thing - it isn't good enough. Not for Nicole, no matter what she said that night.

Nicole already sees through the act, the mask she wears for the rest of the world, and Sally never realised how terrifying that was until that moment, how terrifying it was to have someone see you. The terrifying ordeal of being known.

It's one thing if they're friends. There are rules. There are guidelines for what is normal and what is not. But if they were something else - something deeper and darker and more delicate? One small slip and the whole set comes tumbling down around you

Sally doesn't just want Nicole. She needs her. So she needs to do whatever she can to keep her in her life, in any kind of capacity. Nicole wants something particular and Sally simply cannot give it to her. It isn't part of her script, and it's too late for her to throw the book away. Elias has done that, and look at how it's hurting her family.

Sally knows what she has to do to get back on track. To get back in control.

It's lunchtime. Nicole and Fiona have left, and Sally is alone. But she doesn't mind because she has a single goal -

She finds him at the lockers, juggling his books and his gym kit and running a hand through his blue quills as he tries to find something. She holds her head up high and strides purposefully up to him - shoulders back, chest out, smile on.

"Hi Sonic" she says as she approaches him. He turns to look at her and smiles.

"Hey Sally," he greets her. "What's up?"

She pushes her hair back and stares right into his eyes, fluttering her eyelashes ever so slightly. Like the websites told her. "I hear you're down a runner for track?"

"Yeah," he says. He runs a hand through his hair, looking suddenly awkward. "I guess you heard about me and Mina, right?"

Sally nods. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I will be." he sighs. Then he seems to remember himself, because his entire face brightens. "So you had a question about track?"

"Yes," Sally says, smiling as widely as she can. "I was wondering where I can sign up?"

Title taken from "Little Miss Perfect" by Taylor Louderman. The other song referenced is "Francis Forever" by Mitski.

This is officially the longest thing that I've ever written - as a single entity. I'm sorry it took me so long - I had 3000 words written when I said it would be a week and honestly did not remotely think it would stretch out to 17000! Additionally I just had more drama with college (I had to redo a whole assignment).

I realise it's probably frustrating to not get the actual next chapter; I just really needed to get this story out of my system. Aspects of it are lifted from my own life, as a bisexual teen girl, and I just … really wanted to write it. Anyway, now we know what's up with Sally. I don't think it was all that surprising; the way I have written her is that she is a lesbian in denail. In my original fic Marine was a more major character/part of the group and was a lesbian (though not dating Tikal) and while I still think of her as one in this work, I wanted to work in that representation - I also just adore the Sally/Nicole ship. Kudos to Manic for being the only queer male character (in terms of sexuality) - this was a point in the original fic/its sequel, so I felt I should throw in a reference. To be honest, the way I see it Manic probably had a thing for Elias at some point but Our Boy only has eyes for Megan.

I've started working on the actual next chapter of the story, which I'm really excited about. I can't believe this is nearly over. I'd like to thank you all for reviewing and for all of your support! I love you guys a lot and appreciate all of the reviews!

I'm really curious about how people feel about this bonus chapter.

Scarstar xxx

.

Because deep down, Sally knows that this is what Nicole deserves. Someone who will love her up-close and in public. Not someone who can only admire her from across the room, or under cover of darkness.

It was stupid, Sally tells herself. It didn't mean anything - they were tipsy and sentimental.