Chapter 41: Mistakes and Regret

Gyda POV

"Big Issue Madam?"

I shook my head curtly and carried on walking. I hated saying no to those people, they only needed help with money, but I didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone humans. I didn't really know where I was going, only that I had to keep moving. I didn't stop for anything, so I'd got pretty far. I didn't know why I flew back to London, I hadn't been here for almost 250 years now. It had changed a lot. No more wooden buildings, everything was brickwork now. They must have learned their lesson about using wood as a building material when that fire ripped through the whole city. I stayed far away from that when it happened, though I did come back to help get people to safety when the fire wasn't so dramatic. I was useful back then, I had a purpose. When people's lives were worse off than they are nowadays, I could be of help. Now I was just a nuisance. Too old for my time and getting in the way of everyone's lives. It was a mistake introducing myself to Bella. A mistake. I should have just let her get on and live her life without knowing anything about me, but of course, I'm selfish, so I thought maybe she'd like to know me. Ha, how wrong was I?

I usually stuck to Hyde Park during the day, especially when the sun was out which was more often here than in Forks. But I decided to move on to Regent's Park instead. Just a last minute decision. I walked past Marylebone Station and crossed the road into the park. It was quiet, of course it was, it was nearly 10pm.

I knew where I wanted to go eventually but I didn't make the decision to go there yet. I was trying to spread my scent across the city. I knew Edward would know about my absence and he'd come looking for me. I know he would because he can't seem to leave me be. So, I'll just make it harder for him to find me. Problem solved. Of course, I had to take Alice into consideration here. That's why I was making last minute decisions, not sure on where exactly I was going, because she'll be watching and waiting to tell him my whereabouts.

I laughed as I thought of all of the phone calls I had probably missed. I had ditched my phone in a bin near Harrods. I had one last use for it before I dumped it and I hoped my gift was on it's way. Besides, I wasn't going to make it easy for Edward if he was trying to find me. I wish he wouldn't. I wish he'd just let me get on with my life and do it how I want to do it. Alone, again. I didn't mind actually, it was quite peaceful being alone. I didn't have to talk when someone asked me a question and the humans here kept their distance from me, bonus.

Was Bella's love for me my fault? Had I dazzled her into liking me? I know how difficult I can be, I know I'm a difficult vampire. But it's not my fault. I've had a bloody hard existence to go through, over one thousand years on my lonesome in the country where it all ended. I thought about going back to Sweden to reunite with my friend, but what was the point? It wouldn't help or change anything for me. I'd still probably take off alone and then what?

Sitting in the tree in this park here wasn't all that bad. Not having to sleep was a bonus too, because otherwise I'd miss all of the activities of the Londoners at night. It was surprising how busy London was at night as well as the day. I suppose it was like New York in a way; the city that never sleeps.

"Excuse me miss? Do you need 'elp?" I rolled my eyes and looked down to see a police officer staring up at me. Great, brilliant job with the inconspicuous Gyda.

"I'm fine thank you officer. I quite enjoy climbing trees at night, don't you?" I smirked when he looked troubled.

How the 'ell am I gonna get 'er down from there?

"You don't need to worry officer, I'm not needing your help. Be on your way"

Be on me way? The bloody cheek of it mind! Oo does she fink she's talkin' too?

"Miss, I must insist you come down at once-"

"-pardon me officer, but you seem to have forgotten your appointment"

I didn't jump down, just brought myself a little lower so I could see into his eyes.

"You have that important appointment don't you? You wouldn't want to miss that" I stared into his eyes and smirked as they went fuzzy and dazed. Then he nodded.

"Yeah, you're right. I don't want to miss it. Goodbye miss" he turned and left me in peace. God! Humans! Why were they so observant? I looked around for the perpetrator, who dobbed me into the police?

That's when I heard the scream. A woman's scream. I jumped down from the tree and followed it. The scent smelled strongly of alcohol and marijuana, and blood. I swallowed down the burn that was made in my throat and followed the smell of it, all the way to the back of a crappy pub. I crouched behind the fence opposite and watched.

"What do ya fink lads? Shall we give 'er a taste of 'er own medicine?" They all laughed loudly, raucously. Bastards. The woman cowered on the ground, her arms thrown over her face in protection, begging helplessly. There were four of them towering over her. Well, I did promise myself I wouldn't become a monster again, but what did I have to lose? My humanity? My sanity? I'd already lost both, so this wouldn't matter anymore. Besides, I wouldn't be all that bad if I were helping an innocent human in the process? Maybe it was time for me to give myself over to my instincts.

"Come on then lads! Let's-"

"No please! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't!"

I stalked over to them confidently. I wasn't afraid of these boys. If they could harass and abuse a woman, then they were nothing.

"Lads" I called out, smirking as I used their popular phrase. They span around to face me and then laughed loudly.

"Oh hello there beautiful. See anyfink you like?" the biggest one, the fattest one, gestured up and down his body and I had to roll my eyes.

I smiled brightly as I reached the group "No thanks, I don't want to ruin my appetite"

The others laughed loudly at my offending joke whilst the fat one grappled in his mind with what to do with me.

I should do the same to 'er what I did to that one. Yeah, she wouldn't see it coming, would she? Stupid bitch will get what's coming to 'er

"Oh I'll get what's coming to me, one day. But right now-" I leaned into the fat one's ugly face "-you're going to get what's been due to you for a long time, Steve" I smiled as I said his name and watched him recoil in fear as I showed my teeth.

"You don't scare me! D'ya 'ear? You just stand there 'an watch what we gonna do to 'er and then you'll see what's coming for you" he smirked. Well, Steve was certainly confident.

I chuckled and walked straight past him, towards the woman on the ground. I helped her up and led her to the side wall, well out of the way.

"Stay here and don't move, whatever you might see now" I whispered a warning and she nodded her head frantically.

I don't care if she kills them, I just don't want it to be me! I have children!

I smiled thoughtfully at her "Don't worry. You'll see your children again. Look away if you want to" I said to her again, and she did. She tucked her face into her shoulder and turned to look the other way. I smiled and turned to face the men that were now advancing onto me, one of them holding a knife in his hand.

"Sorry about this bitch, but you deserve it, you know that? All women do, they need to know they're place!" Steve screamed. Oh Steve, how behind the times he was.

I stepped forward as the armed one launched himself at me, plunging the knife into my coat with a successful roar. I pushed my hands into my coat pockets, looked down at the knife and then smirked at him.

"Oops. Try again Michael"

Michael looked very confused, but nevertheless, he tried again, bringing the knife down on me another 15 times before he gave up with an incredulous look at me.

I smirked still "What's the matter? Don't know how to fight without a weapon, ey? It's a shame your mummies didn't teach you proper manners. But don't worry, Michael, Steve, Stuart and Lane. I'll show you exactly what happens when you don't have any manners towards a woman" I smiled again, viciously, showing my dangerous teeth. This time they looked genuinely scared of me.

How the 'ell does she know our names?

She ain't 'uman! She's gotta be somefink else!

I laughed "You're almost there Steve. But I'm afraid you'll never find out, as you will never hurt another woman ever again. Not where you're going-"

"-back off, alri'ight? We didn' mean no 'arm-"

"-shut up Stue, she's only small, look at 'er! Oo are we if we can't take 'er on?"

I rolled my eyes "I'll give you the opportunity to close your eyes and hope I deliver an almost painless blow, but unfortunately, you've all irked me beyond my self-control, so we'll see how this plays out, shall we?"

I threw Steve up against the wall with a movement so quick, the others hadn't even reacted yet. I held his throat tightly, watching in joy as the blood pounded into his brain, trying to keep him alive.

"I'm so sorry about this Steve. I promised myself a very long time ago that I'd never become a monster, but unfortunately, you've left me with no choice" I bared my teeth, ready to strike the pulsing vein in his throat, inviting me in for a taste when-

"Gyda NO!"

I was thrown to the ground with force, making a crack appear in the pavement. I looked up to see what imbecile was strong enough to take my strength.

"Oh you've got to be joking me Carlisle!" I growled.

He grit his teeth together "Remember who you are Gyda!"

I shoved him off of me roughly and turned to watch the group of men run off. I checked to see if the girl was still there, and she was, now looking at me with fear in her eyes.

I held my hand up to her "Don't worry love, I don't mean you no harm" I walked closer to her, taking my jacket off and putting it over her shoulders "Probably best if you go straight to the hospital love, you've got some nasty injuries"

"What-what are you?" she stammered.

"Right now, I'm your saviour, so go on, off you go" I gave her a gentle push and she walked away quickly. I turned to face Carlisle with gritted teeth.

"I can't believe you just did that"

"I could say the same Gyda. What were you thinking?"

"They were going to rape her, they probably would have killed her Carlisle-"

"- so you think that would justify what you were about to do? What about all of your hard work?"

"It wasn't hard work Carlisle, it was necessary. Now tell me what the hell you're doing here, I'll only give you one chance"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. A trait that Edward seemed to have picked up on "I'm here to help"

I laughed "Help? I don't need help-"

"-get out of the denial Gyda! You need help, you know you do! Please, let us help you" his voice became gentle now and it annoyed me. What was it with him, always trying to save the day?

"Look, I'm grateful that you found me. I probably would have regretted killing them as soon as I had done it. But it doesn't change anything. I'm not going back"

He sighed calmly "Will you at least join me for a coffee? There's a nice little café that's still open around the corner from here"

"You don't drink human stuff-"

He chuckled "-no I don't. But if it will get you to listen, I'll drink anything at this rate"

I thought a little. What was the harm? I did have an intense craving for coffee at the moment and if I couldn't have blood, it would have to do.

I sighed loudly "Come on then. But you're paying" I stalked past him, wanting to see how far he'd take it to convince me to come back.

Bella POV

What Paul said about Grandma, well, he was right, wasn't he? Sure, I could still grieve for Grandma Inola, but if Paul could stay strong and look to the future, then so could I. Besides, I had another important worry on my mind. Gyda. I hadn't realised, in my grief- stricken mind some of the thoughts I had been thinking in her presence. Why did she have to be able to read my mind? Why couldn't she be like Edward on that front? Ugh! I was a horrible person. I was the one that had made the decision to go with her, she always gave me the option to stay if I wanted to.

How could I have done that to her? After everything she had done for me, everything she'd gone through and I had to ruin it!

"Baby, I'm home"

Finally! I was worried when I couldn't feel his heat this morning in bed, but I found his note when I turned over to check. He didn't specifically say, but I knew he had gone to see Edward. Oh, Edward. What was I thinking? Blaming him for Grandma's death, how absurd of me! I'd never been that person and I wasn't going to excuse myself to grief. Paul was grieving and he didn't blame Edward. What made me so special?

"Hey. I hope you're hungry" I walked out to meet him in the kitchen. I plated our lunch onto two plates and set the table.

He smiled "Starving! You went to a lot of trouble" he gestured to the spread on the table. It wasn't that much, only a chicken stir-fry.

"Well, I guess I hope you consider this part of an apology-"

"-baby, you don't have to apologise to me for anything" But I would have to apologise to others, I thought miserably.

I sat down opposite him and dug in. We were quiet for a while, both of us unsure on what to talk about. It was different when Grandma Inola had lunch with us, she would keep the conversation flowing and all Paul and I had to do was input with a gentle yes or a shake of our head. But now she wasn't here, and we both felt her absence. But like Paul said last night, I was going to try and grieve less. Of course, I couldn't completely push it away, Grandma meant a lot to me. But like I said before, if Paul could be strong, then so could I.

"So I went to see the Cullen's this morning" he began. I bit my lip with guilt.

"I thought so. Did you get to talk to Edward?" I asked nervously.

He swallowed "He wasn't there. He'd already left to find Gyda"

"It's my fault she left" I whispered.

Paul reached for my hand across the table "It's not your fault Bella. But the Cullen's are very protective of Gyda, they know she's suffering. I hate to ask, but did you say anything to her that made her want to leave? Maybe something about her being unwanted by you?" I got the feeling he was trying to voice this as gently as he could, but it didn't hide what he was really trying to say. There was no holding back now. I had to tell him everything. It was only fair on Gyda.

I groaned and set my cutlery down "As soon as I got the call from Jacob in Sweden, all I could think was I just wanted to go home! Then Gyda came in to see if I was ready, we were going to go and meet an old friend of hers and she was so excited! Now, she's gone and that's because of me and my careless thoughts! I didn't mean to think those things Paul, they just came out of nowhere!"

"Hey, come on. I'm not blaming you baby, I get it. You found out about Grandma's death and just wanted to come home, that's understandable!"

I sniffed loudly "It is and Gyda was great about it! She booked the flights straight away, she drove us to the airport and she kept me sane enough to get to New York! She missed out on seeing someone she hasn't seen in over one thousand years to help me and I just threw it back in her face!" I pushed my plate away from me angrily.

It was his turn to put his cutlery down "Baby, come on, stop this. It's no good to blame yourself-"

"-but it is my fault, isn't it? Edward was right, it is my fault! I must have made her feel unwanted and she left rather than stay in my life! She's not being selfish Paul, she's being selfless! She'd rather be in pain herself than cause me anymore, all because she thought I didn't want to know her! But it's not true, I do want her in my life! Oh god, how can I make this right? What can I do?"

He took a heavy breath, probably trying to think of an answer. He was making excuses for me, and I loved him for it, but there was no excuse on how I treated Gyda. Even if I didn't say the words aloud. She still heard them.

"How about we go and talk to the Cullen's? Clear some things up-"

"-how could I face them?" I whispered between my hands. I couldn't even show my face.

"They're not mad Bella, they're just worried about Gyda, that's all. Come on, let's go and clear the air and see what we can do to help"

Paul made me finish my meal first. I was grateful he did, because I needed the extra energy to feel the guilt that was eating away at me. After dinner, he dumped our dishes into the sink with the promise he'd do them later and led me outside. I was just closing the gate behind me when a car-carrier trailer stopped outside. My eyebrows knit together as the driver jumped down from the cab and approached me.

"Is there a Miss Bella Swan living at this address?" he asked in a Jersey accent.

"Uh, yeah, that's me" I said.

The man nodded and returned to the cab, pulling paperwork from the dashboard. He thrust it into my hand with a pen "Sign here please and date at the bottom"

I looked at Paul in confusion but signed anyway. I gave it back to the guy so he could throw it onto his seat before he walked to the rear of the carrier and unlocked the tail gate. He climbed into a huge car, it was red and black, and reversed it off of the truck and stopped it just in front of us.

"Here you go Miss Swan-" he dropped a set of keys into my hand and started climbing back into the cab.

"Wait! What is this?" I called out. The driver huffed in annoyance and stepped back down.

"I was just told to deliver this car to a Miss Bella Swan-"

"-yes, but who the hell sent it?" I pushed.

"Uh-" he snatched the paperwork from his seat and quickly scanned through it "-there's no name, sorry. Well, enjoy the car Miss Swan" he climbed back in and with a great roar from the engine, the car carrier disappeared down the road.

I couldn't stop my scoff "Who the hell would buy me a car?" I asked myself. Paul was busy examining the car.

"Bella, do you know what car this is?"

"It's a big car, I can see that-"

He laughed "It's a Range Rover Discovery Sport! They're new out! Look at the plates, it was only made in the last few months, damn!" I took a closer look. The interior was all black leather, with a GPS system screen sitting in the middle of the dashboard. Who the hell would buy something so extravagant for me? Not only that, who the hell had this kind of money?

"Yes, but who would buy me a brand-new, top of the range car?" I asked again. It didn't look like he could answer the question. We both climbed inside and immediately I started searching. There had to be a note or something in here. I checked the little mirrors above our heads, the back seat, under our seats, the glove compartment, aha!

"There's a note!" I pulled it out, examining it. I recognised the hand-writing immediately. I suddenly felt sick as guilt ravished me again. I unfolded the note and read:

Bella
Enjoy the car, it's the safest one I could find.
Gyda

P.S. I'm sorry if being in your life was a nuisance. It won't happen again. I'll always remember you.

"Oh Gyda-" I whispered, clutching her note to my chest, holding onto the last piece of her I had.

"What did it say?" Paul asked. I silently handed the note over and listened for the intake of breath I know he'd offer when he realised who would send me something to thoughtful. How long had I been complaining about not having my own car? The one person who knew I couldn't afford to buy my own.

"Oh… damn" he whispered.

I felt myself shaking with guilt, regret, her absence. What the hell had I done? What had I done to such a fragile soul that had already been beaten a thousand times over?

I leaned over to grip Paul's hand, feeling the sobs bubbling up from my chest "Oh God, what have I done Paul?"

Jacob POV

"You want a coffee?"

I smiled "Thanks baby"

The pain was still there, but I was slowly feeling better. That was thanks to Lauren and my dad mostly. They both helped fill the hole that had been punched through my chest after losing Grandma, but I was grateful that it didn't bring me to my knees anymore.

"Here you go"

"Thanks babe" I took the mug from her and sipped gratefully. Lauren always made the best coffee.

She sighed as she sat down on the couch next to me, picking up the remote and flicking through channels. We had both agreed that we wouldn't wallow in grief anymore. Grandma's passing still hurt for both of us, but we were exhausted from being sad all of the time. I just wanted to find some sense of normalcy in my life again. The new life of mine without Grandma Inola in it.

"How about Maury?" she asked me, absent-mindedly.

I chuckled "Sure, Maury is always fun to watch"

For the next hour, I let myself feel the problems of the people on the TV. Was this guy the father of this little girl? The mother was adamant that he was, but we were about to find out. Lauren sat on the edge of her seat, waiting for the DNA results to be read out by Maury.

"In the case of 3 year old Deniya, Kevin… you ARE the father!"

"HA! I knew it! Look at him! Ha Ha!" Lauren always got so excited with this show. I just liked watching her watching the show.

"You called it babe" I laughed.

She looked at me seriously "I always guess these right! Look at him!-" she gestured to the TV, where Kevin, the guy that finally has to take responsibility for his daughter, was on the ground, begging the woman for forgiveness "-how could he even deny that little girl in the first place? That kid looks exactly like him!"

I chuckled "I don't understand how these people deny their kids. It makes my blood boil"

"Doesn't it?" she switched the TV off and snuggled into me "So, what do you want to do now?" she asked, kissing my shoulder.

I let out a puff of air "Does it sound lazy if I said I could go for a nap?"

She laughed "Not at all, I was about to suggest the same thing, seeing as you kept me up for most of the night" she winked.

I smiled as I pounced, hovering over her and kissing her. It was so easy to get lost in her that I forgot that my dad also lived in this house.

A throat cleared in the kitchen. I rolled my eyes and lifted myself from Lauren.

"Ugh, what is it dad?"

He chuckled "Well, I was going to ask if you'd keep that to your room"

I cringed. It was always embarrassing when dad caught us "Okay okay! How did the meeting with Sue go?"

He wheeled himself to the fridge and grabbed a beer "Not too bad. She wants to see you Jacob"

"Why does she wanna see me?"

Dad shrugged his shoulders "She didn't say, though I'd take a guess and say it was something about Grandma Inola"

The hole in my chest pulsed painfully against my ribs. It was threatening to burst through again, but Lauren took my hand and kissed it "I'll come with you, you won't be on your own" she reassured me.

I nodded once, and we left to see Sue at the tribal clinic. It was only a small building, hardly a hospital, but it was the best for our tribe. But even we couldn't go here if something bad had happened to us. Most of the workers here knew about the legends but they didn't believe them so the Council, or the members that knew about the shapeshifters, wanted to keep it that way. A secret.

"Hi, I'm looking to speak with Sue Clearwater? She asked to see me" I asked the receptionist, Debra, when we got there.

Debra smiled "Nice to see you again Jacob. You'll find Sue in her office, I'm sure you know where that is"

I smiled "Yes, thanks"

Sue's office was only a couple of halls down. I knocked gingerly on the door, Lauren gripping my arm supportively.

The door opened "Hi Jacob, Lauren! Come on in" Sue greeted us and closed the door behind us, asking us to take a seat.

"I'm sorry if I interrupted your afternoon-"

I chuckled "-you didn't, we didn't have much planned anyway. What's this about Grandma Inola?"

She smiled sympathetically at me "Well, as you know, a week before her death, she came in for blood work. I wanted to see why the cortisone shots weren't helping her arthritis. They're the best remedy for arthritic knees at any rate and they just weren't working for her. So I took some blood to figure out what would be best and-" she stopped for a second, taking a breath "-Jacob. I'm sorry to say, but if Grandma hadn't have been killed by that vampire-" she whispered "-she would have only had a few weeks left anyway"

My heart plummeted into my stomach "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, Grandma Inola didn't have arthritic knees. It was bone cancer. Stage 4. Thinking back to her symptoms, swelling and inflammation, joint stiffness, mobile difficulty, those are the symptoms-"

"-then why didn't you know?" I seethed. Lauren lightly smacked my arm in warning. I shook my head to recover myself. This was Sue Clearwater, she was always trying to help. No, this wasn't the right way to behave in front of her. Or to her.

"I'm sorry Sue. But how did no one see this?"

She sighed "Grandma Inola suffered with arthritis in the past, it's in her medical notes. She had a few hospital appointments years ago for it and received cortisone shots in the past that worked. She refused further testing and we cannot push if that was her wish. She was convinced it was arthritis and to be frank, so did I. The symptoms of arthritis and bone cancer are very similar, it would have been too hard to tell the difference between the two without further testing. So I told Grandma to come in for blood work under the pretence it would help find a medication that would help better with the pain she was experiencing, but I just wanted the truth. I know it's unethical, but we all cared about her so much and she was a stubborn harpy at times" she chuckled lightly.

Lauren gasped in shock "Grandma Inola had stage 4 cancer and she would have died anyway, is that what you're saying Sue?"

Sue nodded solemnly "I'm sorry to say it's true. I can't imagine how much pain she must have been in, even if she pretended like it was nothing. Bone cancer can make for very painful joints, and the aches she would have suffered as she slept, well, I can't imagine how it must have hurt her"

Grandma had been in pain all of this time? In a lot of pain, according to Sue. Oh God, how did none of us see this?

"I'm very sorry Jacob. But please take comfort in knowing she isn't in pain anymore. She's with her family again and I'd imagine she's watching your life play out from above, in the utmost comfort" Sue smiled and patted my hand.

Yeah, of course, she was right. Even if we were able to revive Grandma after the vampire attack, she would have only had weeks left anyway, according to Sue. Weeks left of agony, not being able to move or walk or probably even talk without being in pain. I don't know why I only now just felt it, but I was happy that Grandma Inola was at peace. The hole in my chest, that had almost punctured straight through to my back, was starting to close up as Sue spoke, each word another stitch in the wound. I would be okay now. Grandma was happy, she wasn't in pain, she was with her family again.

Why was I grieving her when I should be celebrating for her? She wouldn't have wanted to come back to us now, not now she was where she had always wanted to be.

I gripped Sue's hand in mine "Thank you Sue, for everything"

She smiled "You know you can always come to me if you want to talk about anything, you too Lauren"

We both got up to leave, but I doubled back.

"Sue?"

She looked up from her paperwork "Jacob?"

"Does Paul know any of this?" I asked.

She shook her head "Maybe you could tell him. I didn't want to interrupt his reunion with Bella"

I nodded, I could do that.

Paul wasn't home, neither was Bella, so Lauren and I just decided to head back to my house, completely exhausted now. I needed time to digest this. I had already been over it a thousand times in my mind. What would Grandma want to do if she were given a choice to stay were she was or come back to us? But now I knew this, I'd put all of my money on the first option. And I think I'd root for her to do the same too.

"You okay Jacob? I know that must have been hard to hear" Lauren said later when we led in bed together, wrapped up in each other.

"I'll be okay. I have you, and my dad" I squeezed her tighter to me and breathed in her scent. Ahh, there was no better scent to me in the entire world.

I felt her smile against my chest "I love you Jacob"

"I love you too"