POV: Alex

I closed the window and changed into warmer clothes, something just to make me blend in with the hospital crowd. Just a normal wolf sneaking out at night to visit his friend on the roof, nothing more, nothing less.

I looked at Dad before I left. I still couldn't help the feeling that I was a burden to him, that I was a burden to everyone who stayed by my side. They had no obligation to stay with me, no obligation to stay my friend. Again, the creeping feeling of being out of control of my life, out of control of my feelings surged its way into my body, but I did what I did best, I pushed it down. It was going to resurface eventually, hopefully nobody would be around me when it did.

I left the hospital room, walking towards the stairs that led to the roof, nobody stopped, nobody so much as even looked at me. I felt invisible, even more so than I already was. I reached the stairs, watching as they spiraled up, spiraling like my life, out of control and never ending.

I braced myself as I walked up the stairs, keeping my hands on the guardrail, gripping it tightly as I made my way up. I didn't know why I was so terrified to walk up those never ending stairs. Steven awaited me at the top, if I could just reach the top, I would be ok, I wouldn't feel the way I did.

I had thought on multiple occasions to go back, to find Dad and pretend none of this was happening. But I was in too deep, the roof's door was only a couple steps away, only a couple more breaths. I grabbed the handle and turned it, opening up to the roof of the hospital, Steven was sitting in the middle and was looking up into the sky.

He turned around when he heard the door open and waved. I walked over to him and sat down, looking up into the sky with him. The air was cold, like it had always been. The moon looked down on us from its throne and stars were sprinkled throughout the sky. The city's lights illuminated the sky in a blur of neon and a constant breeze blew through my fur. Our tails wagged together and Steven scooted closer to me. "It's pretty, isn't it?" he said.

I kept my eyes on the night sky, the dark purple mixing with black, the stars peppered throughout. It was pretty, but the darkness reminded me of the darkness inside of myself. I was never going to escape it, no matter how many surreal places he took me, it was always going to be inside of me. It ate away at me as I sat with Steven, I only wanted to feel happy-and I did, to a certain extent. Happiness only came when I looked at him, when I touched his hand. But when I looked away, so did the joy he brought me.

Steven looked towards me, ignoring the stars, ignoring the moon. "I think it's pretty." A smile forced its way onto my face.

I think you're pretty.

"It's kinda cold, do you mind?" he said as he huddled up next to me. I swallowed hard as his warm body touched mine and my heart began to race, beating faster in my chest. Each breath was shallow and short. I didn't know why I was feeling so nervous around him. It never really happened before. I was pacing back and forth in my mind, wondering what to do-no-what to say. Yeah, it was cold, but I was fine. God, it felt like my brain was melting from trying to figure out what to do.

"You're being really quiet, don't make me do all the talking." I fumbled over my words, stuttering and making a fool of myself. Steven put a finger to my lips. "Ok, maybe don't talk."

"Probably for the best," I said with a sigh.

"Wow, you fixed that quickly."

Something clicked in my mind, and I finally felt calm, the calm before the storm. I knew pushing down the feelings was a horrible idea, but doing that allowed me to feel other emotions that made me happy, that didn't make me want to cry. It was a double-edged sword, did I choose a quick fix, that would eventually break? Or the longer solution, which ultimately would lead me to feeling at least a little bit better. The quick fix was always at the forefront of my mind. I didn't want to take the time to fix my problems, I wanted them to just go away. And if I could do that each time they flared up, I needed no other solution.

Steven yawned and laid his head down on the hard concrete of the rooftop, leaving his eyes open, something for me to explore. The stars reflected in his eyes, bright and white, I could count each one with ease. The brown and green mixed together with an orange, creating a color like no other. They seemed to whisper, "lay down with me, let's study the stars together". So I did, I laid down next to him, seeing imaginary sparks shoot into the sky and light up every portion, lighting up everything in my vision.

He grabbed my hand and lifted it in the air, our fingers laced together. "You did it, you survived." I did survive my attempted suicide, but there was no telling whether the emotions would flare back up and I would be found on the bathroom floor again. Only to be found out by another animal; a nurse maybe, or probably dad. But hopefully never Steven or Jordan.

"Steven?" I asked, fearing the answer. He turned his head towards me and smiled. "Has-has school changed since…"

He looked into the sky putting his hands behind his head. "Jordan is doing whatever she can to change it. There were a lot of pictures of you on posters-typical things telling us to remember you, to look for the signs. But the truth is, it's not that easy, looking for the signs of depression-of mental illness in someone isn't easy. School hasn't changed, but I hope eventually it will."

I had heard about Jordan doing something at the school, but I didn't know to what extent. "What exactly is she doing?"

"It's nothing for you to really worry about."

"Steven, why did you...come here?"

His eyebrows creased. "Why did I come here? To the roof top specifically?"

"No...to the hospital, why did you come see me?"

He laughed and looked towards me. "Cause you're my friend, and I'm worried about you. Everyone keeps saying that you'll get over this-that it's just a phase. I'm sure your parents and doctors don't say that, but animals at the school do. This isn't the first time I've seen someone go through this. The road to recovery is hard, it's painful. But having friends by your side makes it easier."

I already know that, but that isn't what I want to hear.

"Besides," he said with a smirk. "Who else do you know would climb to the top of a hospital, only to find his friend's room and ask him to join? That's right, no one else."

I hope I'm not a burden to you, but I probably am.

"What if we get caught up here?" I said.

"So what? Really, what's the worst thing they're gonna do?"

"Kick you out. Never let you back. Lock my door."

Steven waved me off. "No they wouldn't do that. Worst case scenario they just ask me to leave for the day, I have school tomorrow anyway. Speaking of which." He turned over on his side. "When did they say you'll be let out? Has to be awhile, right?"

I sighed, seeing my breath in the air. "I'm staying until winter break, or until I get better. The psychiatrist said it's for my health. It's not like I really miss school anyway."

"Yeah, they taped off the bathroom Jor-a custodian found you in."

I sighed, putting the puzzle pieces together in my head. "So, Jordan found me?"

"...yeah." Steven sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.

That must've been so horrible for her to see, I hated thinking about it, about her finding me bleeding on the floor. I specifically chose that bathroom because I knew nobody used it, I knew nobody would find me there, but someone did.

"She doesn't like to talk about it," he said. "Makes sense, I wouldn't want to talk about it either."

I didn't want to talk about it either, I didn't want to remember anything I did, to be honest, I didn't remember anything. Nobody really told me what they did to me when they found me, I just woke up a couple days ago, not fully healed, never fully healed.

I stood up, not wanting to be out here anymore, the fresh clean air was beginning to feel toxic in my lungs, or maybe it was just the self loathing coming back. I honestly couldn't tell anymore, every emotion was just too similar to hate, too similar to the next emotion I would be feeling.

"Hey, where are you going?" Steven said, turning on his back.

"I'm gonna go to bed."

"Just stay for a little bit longer, please?"

There was no way I could say no to those puppy dog eyes of his, and I sat back down near him. "Fine, but only for a couple more minutes."

️ ️ ️

I woke up to the sun in my eyes and I felt a tightness in my pants. I looked down to see Steven resting his head on my chest. Then the sudden realization hit me from the sun which was supposed to be behind a window, and the ground which wasn't supposed to feel like concrete.

Crap.

I slowly moved away from Steven, gently placing his head down onto the ground and doing my best to hide the bulge in my pants as I walked through the hospital hallways and back to my room.

Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it!

I opened the door and breathed a sigh of relief from its vacancy. Dad must've thought I was in the bathroom and left a while ago, I hoped that was the case because if he saw me and Steven-on the roof no less, he might've flipped out.

I only remembered bits and pieces from the night before, and the way the sun was in the sky, it didn't appear to be that late in the day. I knew Steven and I didn't do anything, and I didn't even know my body knew how to feel like that. Everything about it was awkward, I couldn't believe that I left Steven on the roof, but I had no idea what to do. The fear of being caught on the roof laying next to a guy scared me even more than whatever my body suggested.

We're just friends, nothing more, nothing happened...just friends.

Dad walked into the room and I pulled my shirt down. "What the hell are you doing?' he said as he set down two white paper bags on the table.

"N-nothing!"

Dad crossed his arms and his eyes trailed down.

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT.

Then he laughed and covered his eyes, coughing a few times from not taking enough air in. "Happens to everybody," he said with a joking smile.

I ran into the bathroom embarrassed, only to hear his laughter from the outside the door. I slid my back down the door, sighing from the emotional high that was fading.

Dad knocked on the door. "Who's the lucky girl?"

"STOP IT!" I yelled back, although I wanted to laugh too. I heard him slide down the door just like I did and breathe heavily.

"I'm just teasing you."

"I know," I said, picturing Steven in my head, then immediately feeling guilty for leaving him alone.

I heard him get up and sigh. "Dr. Sherman will be by soon, adjust yourself and change your clothes into something more...presentable."

I opened the door to see him staring at me with his phone in his hand. I hugged him tightly, he seemed more accustomed to it. Honestly in this shit hole I had been living in, Dad was the only animal I really wanted with me. I just wanted him by my side, I loved every second he was with me. I finally got what I desperately wanted, just for him to love me, I had finally got it.

I may have been severely depressed and almost killed myself. But what I did changed him into a better animal. I knew he had it in him, but my attempted suicide was the thing that brought it out. I just wished I didn't have to go that far.

Don't think I did it just for the attention, I hated it. I hated seeing my name on the news, hated seeing my grey face on mental health posters Steven showed me on my phone. It made me sick that animals were using me as a way to show the importance of mental health.

Sometimes I wished I did tell everyone how I was feeling, but sometimes I was glad I didn't. I had fully committed myself to dying that day, but I still had emotions that overflowed, and I still thought of Dad in my dying moments.

Dad pulled away and gave me a smile, patting me on the shoulder. "Oh, by the way, I snuck some donuts past the doctors, they're in those white bags." I nodded in thanks and he left the room, a smile still across his face.

I love you Dad.

I ate the donuts and watched mind-numbing tv, patiently waiting for Dr. Sherman to push open the door and have me spill out all my problems.

It took awhile, she was late, too.

Dr. Sherman entered the room wearing her normal white lab coat and yellow pastel scrubs. "Did you finally submit to the dress code?" I said with a smile.

She sat down and rested her hand on her cheek. "I only wore what I wore on the first day because that was the first time I was going to meet you. This is the norm that I have to wear."

"Yellow is not your color."

She rolled her eyes then laughed. "You don't know how refreshing it is to have a teenager in here. You guys have the perfect sentence for every situation." She leaned in closer staring me down. "The nurse told me when she came to check on you, you weren't in your room. Care to explain?"

I shifted on the bed having nowhere to hide my hands. I bit the inside of my cheek. "I wasn't going to kill myself, if that's what you're thinking."

Dr. Sherman sighed. "No, it wasn't what I was thinking. It's what the nurses were thinking, I knew you were fine, but nobody else did. Well, I did begin to doubt myself."

Good to know that even you don't trust me.

She folded over her ears and started up a conversation, one I wasn't remotely interested in. So I pretended to pay attention, slight head nods and careful placements of "oh, wow". It worked for most of the time, that was, until she brought up more questions about myself, things that I couldn't just pretend didn't happen, things that I tried to forget about.

"Alex," she said with sincerity. "Who do you think you are?" The question caught me off and I didn't know how to respond. "Oh, sorry. Guess I should've started with that instead. But I want to hear what you have to say, even if it is just a tiny amount."

I looked off to the side. "I don't really know who I am. Everyday I'm reminded of what I am, but never who."

Well," she said crossing her legs. "From what I've heard from your friends and family and some observations from yesterday. I think you're a quiet wolf, someone who doesn't want to put anyone through their paces. You're introverted, which isn't a bad thing, introversion isn't something to overcome. I'm an introvert, but I only act like I know what I'm doing because that's what my job tells me to do, and because I like helping kids like you."

Like me? Who else do you know is a suicidal wolf?

"I feel like I'm telling you everything, when in reality, I don't know anything about you."

Damn, that was a little too upfront.

She smiled. "I'm glad you noticed that." She scratched the back of her head and looked off into the distance. "Lets see, what do I like to do? Well, I like to draw, like you do, although I'm not the best at it. I like to play video games, but only the ones where I don't need any skill. I like to procrastinate on my work and I'm pretty absent minded sometimes. I tend to over organize things, but then forget I organized them, causing me to do it again." She sighed and kept her eyes on me. "I've attempted suicide on multiple occasions, I have depression and I tend to get too emotional over patients who do end up taking their life. They think it's the only thing they can control in their life. The only thing they know to do is to end it, they believe there's no other way out. And sometimes, they don't have anyone in their life, like you do, you have animals who care about you."

I was fed up with everyone telling me how lucky I was, how I had animals in my life that cared about me. But did they really care about me? I had been hurt so many times by the ones that were supposed to care about me, that I felt like I couldn't trust them anymore.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Dr. Sherman shrugged her shoulders. "That's just life, cruel and unfair, yet somehow we still persist."

"Sometimes I wish I didn't."

She sighed again, I thought I had gone too far for saying that, but she didn't seem phased by it. She uncrossed her legs and grabbed her clipboard. "Ok, time for the mandatory questions."

Please no.

"Have you eaten any herbivores? Or had the urge to eat them? It's ok if you did, or do, it's just a normal part of our life," she said.

"I wish it wasn't," I said.

"It's not something we can avoid. We carnivores are born with a demon inside of us. Sometimes that demon only shows up at specific times, sometimes it doesn't show up until the very end. Sometimes animals aren't afraid of their demon and let everyone see it, sometimes they're ashamed of their demon and hide it, which only makes it angrier."

"That's why the black market exists," I said. Dr. Sherman nodded her head and continued.

"Either way, there's no way to escape it, even you, a wolf raised by herbivores, has a demon inside of him." She stood up and checked her phone. "But I'm not here to discuss our biology, I'm here to talk about you. It seems like I've wasted time. I'll see you tomorrow, please stay in your room this time. I don't want the nurses to think you killed yourself, they have enough kids to worry about." She laughed and left the room, without even saying goodbye. Maybe I had done something wrong, maybe I said something I wasn't supposed to, but it sounded more like she was just venting or expressing something about herself that she knew I would understand. Either way, it just made me hate myself even more.

I laid in the bed, replaying the conversation Dr. Sherman and I had together. For hours I just kept thinking about her, and how she acted. Her body language, well I wasn't good at reading that, but she seemed uncomfortable. Why would she be uncomfortable if she told me that she had gone through the same struggles I had? Maybe she just didn't think before she talked and it accidentally slipped out, or maybe it was just her way of trying to have me get to know her better. Either way, it wasn't very helpful.

It still didn't feel right for her to ask if I've eaten anyone, or if I've had the thought of eating someone. Sure, it popped into my head a couple of times, but I've never once had the urge to do it, to eat someone. I've never had that urge, even from when I was little, when you were sort of expected to have it.

There was a call on the phone that sat beside the bed and I picked it up, never expecting to actually use it. "Hello?" I said into the receiver.

"Alex Kingston? Jordan is here to see you."

"Uh...ok?"

I put down the phone, wondering why Jordan was even coming in first place. I had thought she was too busy with school to come and see me. I didn't really want to see her to be honest. I missed her, but I was just fed up with life at the moment. Then Dr. Sherman's words came back to me, telling me that friends were part of the healing process.

I waited on my bed, browsing through my phone until Jordan walked in. She was wearing a denim jacket and a studded midnight colored dress, a light blue purse in her hands. It looked like she was going on a date.