Chapter 42
The Elegant Ways of the Goblins.
.
.
"Filius, this is entirely your fault, and the very next chance I get I am going to accidentally step on you." At his charms professor's rolled eyes and smirk combo-play, Dave's voice raises in volume more than a little. "And don't give me that look, you'll be entirely deserving of it." Dave growls as he steps into the arena stripped to the waist.
The couple of hours since the end of the inheritance testing had been interesting. In the Chinese curse sense of the word. He steps toward his opponents as his mind drifts back to the look on Grimknott's face after he had finally gotten done reading both of their scrolls, and what had happened afterward.
.
HP HP HP HP HP HP
.
The old goblin had been getting more and more incredulous for the entire time he was reading Mindy's scroll and by the time he had reached the end of Dave's he had gone from incredulous with a hint of mad to angry with a touch of indignant.
"This isn't possible, Filius. They've done something to cheat the test. Nobody can have killed this many people, and particularly not at their ages. Plus, according to this? They've each already died. Twice!"
Mindy stifles a half-smirk, half-yawn as her professor is turning red and holding his side from when he had laughed so hard he fell off his stool a few minutes previously. Hasn't stopped him laughing though.
Dave's response is different.
"You know what? It's probably an issue with the test, but I have the money here and we'll just pay the six hundred. I'll even add an extra hundred and forty to cover the tests since Filius is probably going to need his for the trip to Saint Mungo's."
Filius is standing up finally, still holding his side.
"I'm not hurt that bad, I can sleep this off."
Dave glares at the man. "If you don't shut up and stop causing me problems, you'll end up there by the end of the night one way or another."
Filius looks at him, grinning for a few more seconds, and then both he and Mindy start laughing again. Dave sighs and leans back in his chair thinking about how nice being a recluse could actually be.
"Look, Grimknott? I'll give you two thousand galleons, right here, right now, to just burn those scrolls. Seriously. Here, gimme a second and I'll get it out for you."
He makes a show of turning and digging around in a pocket, but really he pulls out a bag of coins from his inventory. Though it hadn't really been a thing since here, because the only other place they were at that used money was Remnant and they used cards? He has to admit that the fact it comes out in a cheap little fake leather baggie is awfully convenient.
Whether it would have done that before he had picked up garbage level wandless conjuring he has no idea, but either way Gamer for the win.
Turning back around, he plops it on the table while the goblin is running his hand down the scrolls in awe. He completely ignores the bag of gold and while Dave is getting more and more concerned that things are about to go off the rails, Grimknott is running into the rather uncomfortable realization that while the information it is showing is completely unbelievable, the bowl, scrolls, and quill are checking out as being in good condition with no discernible problems. He looks up at Dave and squints.
"Boy, are you in your proper form? I know you don't have any glamours or illusions, my office is warded against the more basic wizarding ways to attempt theft from the bank."
Dave is managing to get a little annoyed at this point.
"Why the hell are you giving me a hard time? Her sheet is longer than mine is, and Filius is the one that wanted to do this crap in the first place!"
Grimknott looks back at him, a scowl gracing his features. The voice in the back of Dave's mind that he really wishes would shut the hell up right now is marveling at how nasty a scowl can manage to look on the four-foot-tall, massive-eared, and peach-skinned, half-bald creature. Probably the teeth, he decides. Sharp little things that look like they stole them off piranha or something.
"Because neither of them is trying to bribe a bank employee. To make me overlook what is obviously an attempt to defraud the bank by manipulating an inheritance test, that's why!"
Dave looks at Filius, and the charms professor isn't laughing anymore.
"Grimknott, I've seen the memories. The story is strange, but it is true. We've come in good faith, please believe me that you don't want to make me invoke a trial over this."
The goblin laughs in his face. "A trial?! In order to even allow a trial for this attempt at bribery, he would first need to prove he could accomplish any of this! Flitwick, you are family, however far back it is that it may be. Don't get involved in this, or you'll be going down with this idiot wizard that thinks Goblins are so foolish as to fall for something this blatantly false and underhanded!"
Flitwick rolls his eyes. "I'm not talking about a court date you imbecile, I'm talking about trial by combat. He can both exonerate himself of that paper being false and prove his innocence of malfeasance by killing as many goblins in the arena as it takes. I know the laws, damn it, and if you push this the nation will bleed!"
Grimknott gives Dave a calculating glance. Then he sneers, looking him up and down like he was a piece of meat that has been found wanting.
"Boy, Flitwick speaks true. But the arena is warded against all magic. If you go in there, you'll face your weight in goblins or better, over and over, until either you die or no more will stand against you, and your wand will be worthless while you do it." He turns his sneer at the bag of gold. "The other option is a trial by the high council. If found guilty, you'll spend a day in the dungeons for every Galleon over the amount due that you just tried to bribe me by. Shoveling dragon dung is a dangerous business. But it's still a better chance to live than facing the nation in the arena." He glances down at the scroll. "According to this travesty you tried to pass off to us, you're twenty-four. Which gives you the choice unless you plan to claim this is actually a lie. Of course, if you do that then the charge of bribery will be a tough one to beat I think."
Grimknott at this point presses a button hidden in one of the drawers out of sight of the rest of them, and his sneer becomes a smirk when the room begins to fill with armed goblins.
Dave looks at Mindy. She just shrugs. "I say fuck it. We could bash our way out of here, but we'd probably kill just as many doing that. At least this way you're only greasing volunteers. Might as well make it legal. Retarded, but legal."
There are some looks of confusion among the ten pike-wielding goblins at these two wizarding children so nonchalantly discussing murdering their way out of the bank, but Grimknott snarls at the room in general, and Dave in particular.
"Make the call, thief! Council or arena, and make it fast or I'll make it for you!"
Dave is generally a pretty nice guy. But to say that this goblin is getting on his last nerve would be putting it lightly.
"Fine. The arena then. I'll expect my money back afterward, and then you can get those damn spears authenticated and you can pay the damn fee. After I've been proven innocent, I'm charging your dumb ass the seven hundred and forty Galleons for wasting my time. Last I heard, that was frowned on in this bank."
Grimknott is looking slightly concerned. Goblins are short but stocky. They are quicker than most humans, and they are far stronger than most would believe by looking at them. Between this, plus their teeth and claws? Adding the fact that the law favors the bank and they can put any number of goblins in the arena at one time as long as the total weight of them is no more than one goblin more than his own and the boy looks to be in his first year at the wizard school? The boy can't believe he has a chance. Even still, the hard look he is getting from Flitwick and the slightly amused one he is getting from the girl makes the boy's own look of irritation rather than fear a tad discombobulating.
He'd actually been right pleased when the boy tried to bribe him. Getting back six spears of the lost legion without having to pay a knut would have been a hell of a haul for a day's work. He was half expecting a promotion out of this. Sure, he could have taken the money and tossed the extra in the bank's coffers. The provision exists for legal bribes. As long as it doesn't release another client's information or hurt the bank in any way, stupid wizards and witches are welcome to give the bank as much gold as they want.
But the bank isn't kind to its representatives if they get goblins killed for false allegations, either. And guilty in truth or not, if for whatever reason he manages to win the trial by combat, his own life won't be worth spit.
"Are you sure, boy? Nobody has won a trial by combat in over three hundred years."
Rolling his eyes, Dave just jerks his thumb at the door.
"Let's just get this over with. I have better things to do than be told I'm a liar and a cheat by some desk-surfing ass clown that can't even be bothered to get a specialist to come in and verify his tools and his claim before trying to throw me in a pit with a dragon."
At that, Grimknott's face goes from the snarl he had been wearing to a flash of irritated worry. He'd been so interested in getting those spears and was so sure of his own detection magics and the fact that what the scrolls were showing was simply impossible that he hadn't actually thought to get a specialist.
He's committed now, unfortunately.
"Guards, bring them along. Give them a good poke if they look like they are getting out of line."
.
HP HP HP HP HP HP
.
It's nearly an hour and a half later, and the arena stands are packed. It isn't often that a wizard is stupid enough to choose the arena and when one does it is always a good time. Not a long show, but a satisfying one.
Filius is still shaking his head, but smirking a bit anyway as they are listening to the announcer call out that the match would begin in fifteen minutes.
"Unless things have changed, you'll fight in either a loincloth or a pair of shorts. No weapons, they want the individual matches to take as long as possible. In the event you prove to be formidable they are looking to wear you down."
Dave gives the goblin a glare.
"Why are you so thrilled about this? I'm probably going to end up killing your family members."
The part goblin offers a nod and a sad smile, but it doesn't last long before a fierce grin comes back.
"Two reasons. First, What you did wasn't bright, but it shouldn't have been an instant trial. Grimknott got greedy and now he is going to pay the price. But really, the second reason is bigger to me." He pauses for a moment and continues while shaking his head again.
"If he truly believes that the scroll is false, then he is executing an eleven-year-old for what amounts to an attempt to sort out a mess that obviously wasn't even of his making. Any goblin that stands against you today would have done the same, and theirs is the type is the sort that likes to start wars."
Then he shrugs.
"Besides, you wouldn't believe how fast Goblins can repopulate. The only reason that they aren't covering the world is that there are strict controls on breeding. For every ten goblins you kill, you'll make one goblin maiden thrilled that she gets to have her first litter. They had to enact some pretty serious laws when they got forced into their banks at the end of the last war. There's a lot of space tunneled out down there, but there are limits unless you want the constant worry of cave-ins."
Dave just looks at him, fairly expressionless.
"So what you are telling me is that I am in a trial by combat against endless hordes that are going to keep coming until they have managed to deplete the population enough that they are guaranteed to be able to get laid, basically."
Mindy breaks in at this point, half laughing. "Well at least that explains why they're so damn uptight, bastards have probably been blue-balled for years and wizards did it to them."
Dave sighs as the door opens and a pissy-looking goblin tosses in a pair of shorts made out of burlap.
"Change, wizard. You fight in five minutes. You die in ten."
The door then closes before Dave can respond and he looks unbelievably disgruntled as he strips to his underwear and puts the things on, going out the other door to the arena when it opens and sees three goblins in the ring waiting for him.
"Damn it."
.
HP HP HP HP HP HP
.
It isn't even difficult. He really can't understand why they keep coming. Three and four at a time, the average match takes about seven seconds with a couple of minutes in between and he has been at this for four. Fucking. Hours.
The light sand coating on the arena floor is becoming a red swamp and yet for some damn reason, they just won't stop. He does notice that the goblins he's killing aren't exactly the cream of the crop, and he has a bad feeling that he is killing convicts or slaves or the goblin equivalents of bums, whatever. But they won't clear him until nobody will come in here with him.
Hell, he'd heard Mindy snoring between bouts a half-hour ago, that's how dangerous this is. He's pretty damn sure he isn't even getting experience points for it.
He gains back health and stamina near faster than they can hurt him or wear him out, even if they could last for longer than the fifteen-second record he'd seen so far. It's gotten bad enough that the last few groups were six, seven, and eight goblin teams. Finally, he loses his temper.
"Hey, I got better things to do. Just send them all so we can get this done, will ya?"
An old goblin sitting on a rather obvious throne looks at him a bit oddly.
"You are quite sure you want that?"
Dave is getting so frustrated with this crap he is barely able to keep from screaming.
"Yes, damn it for the love of god yes! Anybody that wants a piece, please. I've got shit to do, this was supposed to be an in and out thing, fifteen minutes maybe. I've only got a couple of hours left before the shops close and I need to get back to school tonight."
Mindy's eyes snap open when her mind relays to her that Dave had stooped to swearing, but when she realizes that he's just getting frustrated she closes her eyes again with a smirk.
"Hey, Davey-poo. What's taking so damn long? I could have depopulated this entire fucking hole in the ground by now!"
He turns back to her, pissed and scowling. "Don't you start, I've already gotten fourteen pairs of panties flung down on me by lady goblins. They started right after some asshole ripped off my fucking underwear, I swear to god I don't care what the rules are anymore, I don't fight without armor again, ever. Period."
Her eyes snap open again like they are on a trigger and she practically vaults into a sitting position. Her eyes widen and her cheeks redden at what she sees, but that doesn't stop the smirk on her face.
"Jesus-fucking-Christ, Kick-Ass. What the hell happened?! You're hung like a..."
She starts to giggle.
Dave does a facepalm as the male goblins in the stands are looking more and more disgruntled at this point. The goblin maidens on the other hand are blushing and calling out promises that he isn't entirely certain are anatomically possible. The scary part is that while they are about the same height as the males? They are stacked and actually damn hot for a four-foot-tall woman. Full heads of black hair, and wrinkle-free, most of them.
Their back pain must be legendary. He'd wondered at one point how in the hell Filius ever came about but it isn't nearly so hard to imagine anymore.
"Yeah, like one of those. How in the fuck do you think it happened!?" He sighs as a horde of goblins start making their way into the arena, toothy mouths wide as they snicker at his position.
As soon as he hears the bell, he starts. Ten minutes later, he's cleared the arena. He's covered in gore, has a few bite marks on him, and is currently trying to remove a chest from his foot as the rib cage had clamped down like parking enforcement was trying to put an organic boot on him, but it's done. The kick to free his foot sends the luckless sack of meat into the far wall of the arena with a splat and crunching sound that makes most in the room wince... and about half of the goblin maidens look like they are having a really good time up there. Entirely too much of a good time.
"That it? We done here?"
The king, because it almost has to be a king, stands. His smile is vicious, toothy, and somehow unbelievably pleased.
"Not quite. You have proven your honor and that this most... interesting inheritance test is in all probability completely accurate. Proven it to the goblin nation, anyway. But there is one more goblin that our honor cannot deny you the right to deal with. When you are done, get cleaned up and I will have the guards bring you to me. The nation owes you an apology, and I always pay my debts."
Then the old goblin stands up and starts walking towards the nearest doorway to the arena. As he does so, one last goblin is shoved into the arena. He's been partially stripped to the waist and there are tatters of clothes hanging off the guy from where he was obviously roughed up quite a bit. But Dave recognizes the face easily enough.
"So. Grimknott. This work out for you as well as you figured it would?"
The goblin backs toward the door as Dave takes a step forward.
"Can you at least tell me why? I was just trying to make the problem go away. Wasn't going to hurt anybody. So why?"
The old goblin hits the door he was pushed through ass first. And finally looks Dave in the eye, his voice trying to be a snarl but comes out more like a whimper.
"Why do you think? The finder's fee on each of those was thousands, and with you in the dragon pits, I could claim the lot! Damn wizard!"
Dave stops. Stands there naked, covered in gore and bile while surrounded by the corpses of more than two hundred that hadn't been cleared yet from the last mob he dealt with. Trying to mostly breathe through his mouth, because the place smells like an open sewer combined with a rancid meat market, he raises an eyebrow.
"So after all that talk of me being a thief, you're gonna die today because you tried to cheat me? You're a damn thief? Are you serious? Just an honorless cheating thief that managed to get this old before you got caught?"
He shakes his head. "Well, come on. Let's get this over with. If you make me come to you, it's gonna hurt a hell of a lot more, I promise."
Something to the tune of two thousand additional goblin maidens, and one human one, realize about now that they will need to be changing their underwear soon for all the right reasons.
The goblin just stands there. Based on the wet stain spreading on the ragged remains of his pants, it is pretty easy to tell what's going on. Unfortunately, the half-inch of blood on the floor keeps it conjecture rather than fact.
Can't see the puddle, and smelling it is an absolute impossibility.
Dave shakes his head. Makes his way over to the lying sack of crap, and with a quick strike to grab his face and then a slam of his right hand, smashes the back of his head against the steel-bound door that sits behind him. Then lets him drop where he stands.
"Can somebody please show me where the shower is?"
.
HP HP HP HP HP HP
.
Another three hours later they are finally making it back to Hogwarts. Filius still not sure if he is pleased, but certainly not angry at Dave or Mindy.
That was a lot of death today though. Might be better not to mention this to Albus.
"I am sorry we couldn't get the shopping you wanted to be done, we can try again tomorrow when we go back."
Dave sighs and holds his hand over his eyes.
"I can't believe they are making me go back there. Just unreal. And to take a new inheritance test? Seriously? I just did one today for crying out loud!"
Filius shrugs. "The one from today doesn't include... What happened after it." His voice picks up in volume a bit. "Hello Albus, how is your evening?"
The wizened old headmaster knows something is up just by the way Dave and Mindy immediately make their way toward their favorite training spot. He doesn't push though. He'll find out, he always does. Eventually.
"Going well enough, Filius. What kept you? We were worried when members of your house were saying you were missing and it was approaching time for dinner."
The charms professor shrugs, keeping it as nonchalant as he can.
'Oh, just some trouble with the inheritance tests they wanted to run at the bank. I suspect it had something to do with their previous... Stops. If you catch my meaning. Took forever to sort it out."
Dumbledore looks at his old friend and chuckles.
"I believe you. I also believe that there is likely a lot more to the story, but I'll wait until the next time you are deep in your cups to ask about it. Give you your plausible deniability."
Filius just laughs. "Thanks. I think I'll need it when this gets out, but that will be a problem for another day. Not tomorrow though. The bank took so long we weren't able to get any of their shopping in the alley done. Plus, the goblin king himself requested that they come back and do a second inheritance test. So I'll be using another vacation day. Apologies."
Albus looks at his charms master and his smile falters a bit.
"When I find out, I'm not going to like it, am I?"
Filius can't find it in himself to lie to the man.
"No, I don't expect that you will. But for what it's worth everything that happened was the fault of others. Dave and Mindy were exceptionally well behaved until the account manager we were with tried to pull a fast one." He shakes his head. "But beyond that, the trip to the bank was fairly fruitful. They got everything they wanted to be made by the goblin blacksmiths on order, paid for, and it should be here within a couple of days. The king put a rush order on the lot. He was... Impressed with the both of them." Filius can't help the smirk that slips out. Extremely impressed."
.
HP HP HP HP HP HP
.
"Damn it, Mindy, will you stop laughing?! I don't care how many times the king offers I ain't gonna marry his daughters, I don't care how much you think it would be funny to be royalty by injection." His voice drops to a mutter. "I can't believe goblins even allow multiple wives. Just ridiculous. Wants the blood in his clan my ass, he wants his twenty-six daughters to shut the hell up about it is what he wants."
Mindy just giggles as he turns the color of a ripe tomato.
Dave seriously considers leaping headfirst off the astronomy tower. It isn't likely to kill him, but the pain ON his brain might make the pain IN his brain more tolerable.
.
HP HP HP HP HP HP
.
Author's Note:
I have no idea where this chapter came from. I had kinda a loose outline going in, and by the third word my muse was like: "Naw Brah. We doin' dis ovah heah inzted, eh?"
I was pretty much along for the ride.
Sorry? I guess?
Details on what all they actually get on their shopping trip will likely be in a big blurb next chapter.
Take care, and remember that reviews make us writers happy! Favorites/Recommendations are a good offering to the gods of Fanfic as well!