A slight of the hand and I'd be down there. Nothing left of me, not even a consciousness. It wouldn't even be me at that point though, would it? I'm not me right now and I hate that the most. I am not the person I know.
My entire person has been taken from me by something I couldn't see coming this time. I wish this was a game, a ball I could see, something to defend against. This is a wall I can't get over unlike all the others in the past. I feel like everyone is only taking pity on me because they saw potential spark out.
Life does not feel like living anymore when it seems like the purpose you've been working towards for your conscious existence has been torn away.
A scream rips through the air.
A hand on my wrist and people rushing to me.
"What are you doing Hinata?!"
The blond in front of me is absolutely horrified. The look of fear and terror in his eyes tells me everything I need to know. Something everyone would feel if I did that to myself.
But what if the other emotion is the one, the one they feel if this enemy in my brain kills me first?
Is sorrow something they should feel for me when I am gone?
Would horror and guilt be better for them than sorrow and pity for me?
I'm not so sure which would be worse for me or for them. Though, I wouldn't be here to witness it anyways. Is life worth living when I'm stuck in a body I can't see, or feel is my own? Something I can't change on a dime as easily as having surgery.
Kenma is shaking. I notice this as he's walking in front of me.
I feel bad for putting him through this, he probably thinks he really can't leave me now. Even though I'll be here for awhile more. There's no way the cancer didn't spread to the rest of my body, there's just no way it's not everywhere at this point.
Another full body scan was scheduled to decide what to do from here on out. I think I heard something about palliative care at the rehab facility, or even just sending me home on medication to keep my pain under control.
What do I want?
I don't know.
I haven't been asked that since my amputation. I can't exactly ask the cancer this question. If I could then I'm sure I would've had some decisions made a long time ago. Like whether I should even continue with treatments or if I should let myself fade away.
Kenma watches as the nurse helps me back into bed. I can't look much more at him in the eye. He's still horrified. I wish he'd leave so I didn't have to feel so judged by my friend.
He lets out a sigh, not of anger though.
"You can make a lot of choices in life, Hinata. That is one of them, whether we like it or not. Cancer isn't a choice and losing control of life so suddenly… I can't imagine what that was like. You have to do what is best for you, but that choice maybe shouldn't be something so public."
It's not a matter of judgement. It's something more than that.
Understanding?
Is that what this is from him?
An understanding of my life not being what I ever wanted for myself, and knowing that I hate everything that has had to be decided for me based on what this nearly invisible opponent is.