A/N: I never know how many readers I have at any given time. It could be 3. It could be 300. I see some regulars still here (and I appreciate you sticking with me!), but I think some of the others got tired of me. ;-) I just wanted to let everyone who is reading this know that 'at any given time' I'm so very thankful for each and every one of you. I appreciate the reviews I get more than anyone could ever know. These stories are a huge undertaking, yet at the same time they have kept me going in times when my self-care meter was below zero.
I have another Emison story in progress, but it's incomplete. I don't get nearly the interaction I used to get with my other stories, which could just be the progression of time and people moving on from Emison or it could be people who grew weary of my writing. I don't know the fate of the fandom, so I'm unsure of whether it will see the light of day. But it's something (a dark something with adult Emison) that could be on the table. A little mystery, a lot of murder, Alison in scrubs, and Emily in a uniform.
But until I make up my mind on that I hope you enjoy this light sweet fetus Emison (with a fetus of their own to boot!). Also, hold on for some twists in this chapter. Arms and legs inside the ride at all times.
Chapter 44:
Wishes and Dreams
The steps that led up to the parking lot were a lot steeper than she remembered. She glanced at the hill that ran parallel to the stairs and thought about how many times she'd squealed as she rolled down it when she was a kid. Her mother had yelled at her and told her that she could get hurt, but Emily hadn't been deterred. It was amazing she'd made it out of childhood alive.
Looking at the hill now, she could see it from her mother's perspective. It hadn't seemed so tall when she was little. It had just looked like an adventure, and she never skimped on adventures. She wondered if one day her daughter would go on adventures of her own.
She grabbed the handrail and climbed the cement steps. The lamp posts illuminated the path in the rich blue night. The sky was a strange shade, a mixture of navy and deep black. But even in the darkness the entire park was bathed in light.
Emily trekked towards the parking lot, following a crowd of people leaving the baseball field. She looked around to make sure Noel wasn't following her, but he wasn't anywhere in sight. She also couldn't stop looking for Courtney, despite the fact that her presence would be impossible. It was a habit she couldn't seem to break. Like an animal conditioned in the wild, she was constantly looking for the predator looming in the dark.
A string of giggles filled the air. There was a family in front of her. Two teenagers trudged in front of an older couple. Two younger kids were running back and forth between the teens and the old couple.
A younger woman was behind the rest of them walking alongside a toddler who looked to be about a year and a half old. The little girl was in a red jumper and a yellow shirt. Her thick black hair was in short braids with beaded ball hair ties that matched her outfit.
Emily made a mental note to look at baby hair care accessories. Alison had been eager to start playing with Autumn's hair, though there wasn't much they could do with it yet. Autumn had gotten Isaac's curly texture, but Emily's thin wispy hair volume.
The little girl's beaded ball hair ties bounced as she playfully put one foot in front of the other. She walked at a much slower pace than her mom. She was taking her time, stopping to admire everything in view. Everything was new to her. It was exciting.
Her little fingers were wrapped tightly around two of her mom's fingers. Her mother was gently tugging on her hand to get her to keep up, but the toddler was focused on Emily.
The baby smiled and waved, her wrist flopping up and down as her fingers wiggled of their own accord, like she was gripping the air.
Emily's heart fluttered. She'd liked kids before she had Autumn, but now she adored them. There was a connection she felt that hadn't been there before.
Emily smiled and waved back at her. The toddler shyly twisted around to grab her mother's leg. She giggled and buried her face into the legs of her jeans.
"She's adorable." Emily watched as the woman leaned down to pick the little girl up.
"Thanks." She popped her hip out. The little girl swung her legs around her mom instinctively. Her feet dangled in the air. "She's growing up way too fast." Mom pinched her chubby little thigh.
Emily blinked and she was suddenly seeing her future. Autumn, a little explorer, smiling at strangers, growing up to be just like little Charlie who had fawned over her in lieu of getting to her big brother's baseball practice just hours ago.
Autumn was a very friendly baby. She didn't seem to mind people holding her. She was already forming connections and attachments. She loved Mike and Hanna. She also had a fondness for Caleb. He'd only held her a few times, but she was always calm in his arms.
She had an army of people who loved her, people who would protect her. It gave Emily a sense of relief, especially since she knew there were bad people everywhere.
Running into Noel had really rattled her, but the overwhelming feeling of unease was at bay for the moment. She buried her emotions in a box deep in the confines of her brain. Autumn was very well protected. Courtney couldn't hurt them anymore. They were safe.
She saw the headlights of Alison's car beaming, lighting her path. The vehicle crept towards her.
Emily thought about the first time she'd gotten in the car with the blonde. It had been the night she told her about the pregnancy. Alison had driven like a little old grannie. Emily had teased her about it.
As she watched Alison pull the car forward she realized she'd come a long way with her driving. She even managed to miss the curb as she pulled the car to a stop.
Emily laughed as she climbed in the passenger's seat, thinking about how she feared for her life the first time she got into a car with Alison DiLaurentis.
"What's so funny?" Alison asked.
"Nothing." Emily's lips twitched as she fought back a smile. "Just keep your eyes on the road, Grannie."
Alison scoffed.
"I don't know if you know this, but it's normal for people to drive the speed limit. We don't all drive like Evil Knievel. Especially with a baby on board." She jerked her thumb back towards the back seat.
Emily had finally let her get one of those corny "Baby on Board" stickers, but she'd made her compromise for one that said "Baby up in this Bitch". Emily's mother had not been pleased.
"So we'll get her a helmet." Emily grinned.
She saw Alison shoot her a disapproving look. It had only been a few weeks since Autumn's birth, but they had already pre-determined what their parental roles were going to be. Alison wanted to wrap her in bubble wrap and protect her for the rest of her life. Emily was going to turn her loose and let her go wild. Alison was going to be the one screaming when Autumn rolled down a big hill. Emily would be at the bottom encouraging her.
Both products of their own environments, they were trying to compensate for their own experiences of childhood. Emily's mother had been neurotic and overprotective. Alison's mother hadn't cared at all. They were both trying to learn from their mothers' mistakes, and they were finding a balance in the process.
Their dynamic was working so far, though sometimes Alison couldn't help but wonder what the future would look like. She could picture Emily sitting on a mattress at the top of a staircase with Autumn in her lap, pushing off and sledding down the stairs. She could practically hear the little girl's elated giggles.
"Just promise me you won't let her get hurt when you turn our house into one giant rollercoaster." Alison sighed.
Emily chuckled. She turned around to check on Autumn. She was snug and cozy in her rear-facing car seat, babbling to herself.
"We're going to have lots of fun times, aren't we, peanut?" Emily twisted between the front seat and reached towards the car seat. She delicately put her finger underneath Autumn's palm and tickled the back of her hand with her thumb.
"Ah," Autumn squeaked.
"I know, baby. We're going home." She put her hand against the back of the car seat and stretched forward to get a better look at her face.
"I triple-checked the seat belt harness." Alison glanced in the rearview mirror.
Emily smiled at her.
"I know. I trust you." She righted herself in her seat and reached for her seat belt. "I was just giving her a little love."
"Can I get some of that love?" Alison moved her hand away from the steering wheel and caressed Emily's arm.
"Of course." Emily leaned over the center console and pecked Alison's lips.
The warmth of Alison's skin was the most comforting thing in the world. A flash of heat washed over her entire body. It made her feel like melting.
The hot flashes had been getting more frequent. She constantly ached for Alison's touch. Her body wanted what she couldn't have yet. The waiting game was making her sex drive go crazy. The building pressure made her body feel like an explosion waiting to happen.
As much as she craved it, she was still sore from giving birth. None of the books she'd read had prepared her for how long the lingering effects of the birth would be, or how uncomfortable it would be. And she certainly didn't know that her loins would turn against her and make it a thousand times harder. It was torture.
She knew that it was going to take some time to heal. Her body had never been pushed to such extreme limits before. She still didn't know how she'd done it. She had no idea how mothers went through it once, let alone more than once. She was convinced there was a chemical that made people forget the pain of childbirth, otherwise no one would do it again after the first time.
In the end, it had been worth every bit of pain.
She listened to the sound of her daughter snoring lightly. She loved her baby girl, and she'd do it all over again. But she couldn't wait until she was fully healed and she could get as physical with her girlfriend as she wanted. She'd been surprised by how much sexual energy she had. Everything she'd read said that she wouldn't want to do anything other than sleep and eat for weeks, but all Alison had to do was touch her and she was a complete hormonal wreck.
Alison's lips moved against hers. Her heart pounded against her ribcage like a jackhammer. She wanted swing over the console and straddle her. She wanted her lips, her tongue, her fingers. When she closed her eyes she imagined they were in their bedroom.
The sex fantasies had started a few days after they got home from the hospital. In her mind they'd made love everywhere in the world. The beach. The mountains. Rome. Paris. Milan.
Alison quietly mewled into the kiss. Emily felt something akin to a lightning bolt shooting down into her stomach. She felt a twinge of pain between her legs when her body spasmed in response to Alison's moans. She had to pull back to catch her breath. Her cheeks were filled with color. Her lips were full, curled into a giant smile.
Alison lowered her chin, pushing their foreheads to meet. Every time she looked at Emily she remembered how lucky she was to have her in her life. Meeting her had changed everything. The girl had stolen her heart the day she rode into town on her bike. A mysterious stranger - a bad girl with a secret had turned into her lover and a mother.
In the low light of the moon shining through the windshield Alison could see a look of serenity in the brunette's eyes. She loved seeing joy in her eyes, because she knew Emily's thoughts weren't always serene. Sometimes the tides churned in the back of Emily's mind, swallowing her whole. Every so often Alison would catch a glimpse of the silent pain that she kept guarded behind a wall in her mind. It was rooted deep inside of her.
Alison could see the light inside of her go out when Emily shut down, and their joy was tarnished with a quiet undercurrent of sorrow. It was in the way she moved, the way she spoke, the way she looked. In her touch. Her pain became a part of her.
Emily laid her hand on top of Alison's. The instant her fingers made contact Alison realized something was off about her touch.
Emily's thoughts were running rampant. Doors to her past were opening back up. She was more upset about her run-in with Noel than she realized, though Alison had no way of knowing that.
Alison moved underneath the light of the lamp post shining above the car. Her eyes searched Emily's. Her hand brushed against the brunette's cheek.
Alison's touch drew her out of her thoughts. The blonde loved her so fiercely that it conquered every demon she had ever faced. Alison's love was all the strength she needed to ground herself in reality again.
"Are you…" Alison didn't have to finish her sentence for Emily to know what she was going to ask.
"I'm okay." Emily mirrored Alison's movements, her fingertips grazing the soft skin on her face. "Are you?"
"Yeah."
A rustling noise came from Autumn's car seat as she squirmed around making quiet little humming noises.
They both turned their heads towards the back seat, their eyes landing on the top of Autumn's head. Over the top of the car seat they saw her petting her harness with her fingertips.
They both aww'd quietly. Every single thing she did was the most adorable thing in the world in their eyes. She was so little and so innocent.
They'd heard that babies were miracles, but actually experiencing motherhood gave them a perspective they never could have comprehended before the little girl had come into their lives. It was a love like neither of them had ever felt before.
Autumn was dependent on them for everything, which pushed them to prioritize things in a way they hadn't before. They were growing up faster than the rest of their friends, but even so, they didn't feel like they were missing out.
"She's so sweet." Emily smiled. Her baby girl rendered her completely defenseless to everything else in the world. "And so calm. She didn't even mind when everyone was passing her around like a hot potato today."
The soft look on Alison's face soured. Little worry lines appeared in between her eyes and on her forehead. It scared her when other people held Autumn. It sent her mind careening back to what Courtney had done on the parking lot rooftop.
Emily recognized the fear in her eyes.
"She's safe with them, Ali." Emily brushed a strand of Alison's hair away from her cheek.
"I know." Alison reached back and touched Autumn's arm. The baby smiled in the mirror. Her smiles were precious. "I hate to admit it, but I think she really likes Mike."
"She doesn't just like him. She loves him. She cried every time someone took her away from him. Even Hanna." Autumn's little cheeks had turned a dark shade of purple when Hanna tried to snatch her from Mike. It had been the first time she'd ever cried in Hanna's arms. Hanna had looked so offended when Mike took her back and she stopped crying. "I think it hurt Hanna's feelings." Emily adjusted the sleeve on Autumn's arm. "But Mike is surprisingly good with her."
"It's probably because they're so close in age." Alison rolled her eyes.
"He's one year younger than us." Emily snorted.
"Well, his brain isn't." There was more annoyance in her tone than usual. "He's an actual child. He put a whoopee cushion underneath the seat while we were watching the sunset." She yanked a deflated red piece of silicone out from under the space below the seat. "I thought the car was exploding when I sat down on it."
Emily burst into laughter. She would have paid to see that.
"It's not funny." She pouted. "He filmed it and everything."
Emily stifled her laughter, but she couldn't stop grinning.
Note to self: Have Mike upload video to Instagram. Tag America's Funniest Home Videos.
"If I hadn't had Autumn in my arms I would have chased him down and sat on his head." She was frowning, hard.
"I think you're forgetting he's a karate master." Emily tried to nod sincerely, but she couldn't stop smiling.
"He'd get his ass kicked on the peewee league." Alison muttered.
Autumn made a gurgling sound, like she disapproved of her favorite Uncle Mike being slandered.
"Okay, okay, you win. I don't know what you see in the giant dork, but if you love him I love him, too." Alison smiled, gripping Autumn's hand and moving it up and down. She faced Emily again. "I don't know how, but this child already has me whipped."
"Oh, majorly so." Emily poked her in the ribs. "She wears the pants in this family."
"At least they're adorable pants." Alison shrugged, turning forward in her seat. She reached for the ignition. "You ready to go home?"
"Let's ride."
Alison pulled the car out of the parking lot. Her eyes darted to the rearview mirror every fifteen seconds to check on Autumn.
Emily looked over her shoulder at least a dozen times, glancing at the mirror that was attached to the car seat. It had been her mom's idea. It was designed so that when someone was driving they could adjust the rearview mirror to reflect the mirror on the car seat to make sure the baby was okay.
The first time she looked Autumn had been sucking on her pacifier and rubbing her eyes. When Emily checked again she was sound asleep. She was exhausted from the day's events.
Emily twisted forward in her seat, a dreamy look on her face.
"I don't know how we got so lucky. She's such a good baby."
"She has a good mother." Alison put her hand on Emily's knee.
"Two good mothers." Emily put her hand on top of Alison's, letting the warmth of her palm burn through her pants.
Emily's thighs were on fire. She started to buck into the motion, but felt a pinch of pain. Alison lazily let her fingers slip in towards the gap in her thighs. They were so close. Emily bit her lip. She almost lost it. Every time she was turned on a painful throbbing discomfort gripped her.
It was much better than it had been weeks ago, but it was still aggravating. She knew that if she let Alison keep going she wouldn't be able to stop her. She didn't want to stop her. But she had to.
She gripped Alison's hand, pulling it away from her inner thigh. She laced their fingers together, letting the heat die down.
Alison could see the look of frustration on her face.
"If you had balls they would be so blue right now." Alison lifted her brow mischievously.
Emily groaned and threw her head back against the headrest. She needed the release so bad.
"A blue bean is no joke."
Alison laughed so hard she almost choked.
When they got home Emily took a shower to cool off while Alison put the baby to bed. After Emily was done she pulled the curtain aside and stepped in front of her bathroom mirror. She stared at her doppelganger's stomach. Her body felt different. She was still getting to know it. Alison had been helping her adjust by making her feel beautiful every chance she got.
She slowly turned to one side. Then the other. All that remained of her pregnancy was a little pouch of fat that was slowly dissipating. She was trying to keep up with exercising, but she wasn't as disciplined as she'd been before the pregnancy. She didn't have as much free time. And Autumn had to eat every few hours. She ran her palms up underneath her breasts. They were engorged, much bigger than they'd been before. She knew that would change with time, too.
She ran a brush through her hair. The bristles scratched an itch she didn't realize she had. She reached for the blow-dryer and turned it on. The heat felt good against her face. She tried to remember the last time she'd taken the time to care for her hair. When was the last time she didn't have spit-up or drool in it?
Once she was finished she wrapped her robe around her body and went to check on Alison. She found the blonde leaning over the portable bassinet near their bed. She was humming a lullaby she'd named Autumn's Beauty. Alison had come up with the name for the lullaby long before she knew what the baby's name would be.
The song was an original composure she had written for an audition for NYU. She'd been inspired by Emily. She'd called her her muse. Emily liked to think it was Autumn that inspired her. After all, the song was named after her.
She leaned against the door frame and watched as Alison reached down and tickled Autumn's cheek. There was a sniffly sigh and then a coo coming from the bassinet.
"You are beautiful and smart and loved." Alison leaned over and pressed a kiss against Autumn's head. "If your mom and I can figure out a way to go to college and raise you...then you, Autumn Violet Fields, can do anything you set your mind to. And your mother and I will support you the whole way."
Alison had been trying positive affirmations to make Autumn happier in life. She wanted to do everything her parents never did for her.
Emily walked up behind the blonde. She wrapped her arms around her, her hands clasping closed around her stomach. She pressed her chest up against Alison's back and took a moment to appreciate the fact that her body could mold against Alison's again without her stomach bulging between them. She could feel Alison's body responding. She couldn't see her face, but she could feel her smiling from ear to ear.
Emily glanced down at her daughter. She was out cold, her little binky moving in and out as she instinctively suckled in her sleep.
Emily brushed Alison's hair aside and kissed her neck. Alison hunched her shoulder up and laughed softly at the ticklish sensation. Emily lowered her chin against Alison's shoulder.
She twisted her head to the side, moving until her mouth met Emily's. She slowly spun around in Emily's arms, pressing kiss after kiss against her inviting lips. She groaned softly against Emily's mouth, a deep throaty noise. The throbbing between Emily's legs was back, but the pain was bearable.
At some point they started moving towards the bed, feet stumbling against the carpet as they giggled into their kisses.
"I…" Alison broke the kiss before breathing, "…haven't showered…" Another peck as she ravenously tried to taste Emily, "…yet." She murmured something unintelligible and then uttered, "…covered in spit up and drool."
"Nothing is sexier to me than a good mother." Emily threaded her fingers through Alison's hair.
Alison didn't need convincing. She pulled the loop of Emily's robe free. It fell open, catching on her chest and exposing the strip of her body between her breasts. Her body had changed since they first started dating, but the pregnancy had only made her more beautiful in Alison's eyes.
Alison stared at her exposed belly. She rubbed her palm against the smooth skin there. She was still getting used to the feel of her abdomen without Autumn being there. Discovering her postpartum body had been blissful for both of them. Everything about their interactions was different now. Their kisses were different. Alison's touches were different. Even the noises Emily made were different. It's like they were finding one another anew.
Alison slipped her hands between the flaps of the robe and greedily grabbed Emily's hips, pulling her close.
Their lips fought in a passionate entanglement as Emily moved Alison towards the bed. The backs of Alison's legs pressed against the mattress.
Emily curled her fingers through the belt loops on Alison's designer jeans. Her fingers moved towards the button, popping it with ease. She slowly slid the zipper down and leaned in and whispered against her ear,
"I want them off."
Emily's commanding tone and heated breath against her ear sent a tingle down Alison's spine. Her entire body quaked as an overpowering shudder nearly sent her to her knees. She loved it when Emily took charge. And she was even more willing to give up control now that she knew that Courtney had tried to take control away from her.
Alison yanked her pants down over her hips and let them fall to the floor. Emily watched with a sultry smirk on her face as the blonde practically ripped her shirt off over her head, undressing for her.
She smiled at Emily and sprang backwards against the mattress, splaying out as she huffed out a sigh. She slid her arms up against the sheets until her fingers were touching above her head. She dug her fingernails into the thin material beneath them and peered at Emily with a strange shy look on her face.
"Ravage me, my queen." Her lips twitched, a coy smile tugging at the edges of her mouth. Color rushed to her cheeks, though Emily couldn't tell if it was from the heat of passion or embarrassment.
Emily let out a soft chuckle as she placed her knees against the bed.
Alison reached up and gripped the collar of Emily's robe, pulling the brunette down on top of her. She let out a shaky breath when she felt Emily's scorching skin against her sensitive flesh. Their bodies fused together, their heat and perspiration acting as a natural adhesive. There was a wet sticky sound between them when they pulled apart to adjust on the bed.
Emily's nerve endings felt like they were on fire when they deepened their movements. Alison was careful with the placement of her legs, making sure her thigh didn't hit the wrong area of the brunette's body.
Alison softly rolled her over and pressed gentle kisses in between the valley of her chest. She lowered her lips to kiss her stomach, but Emily's arm shot up self-consciously to block it. She thought of the girl she'd seen in the bathroom mirror.
She saw the imperfections, but Alison saw the beauty. She moved Emily's arm out of the way and smiled at her. She lowered her head, her eyes never straying from the brunette's.
"You're beautiful." She left a lingering kiss against the top of her belly button and then gently pecked below it. "You grew our daughter in here." She palmed her belly, still marveling at the fact that Emily had carried a life inside of her.
She crawled up Emily's body and started giving attention to her neck, her jaw, her lips. She kissed every inch of her.
Emily was getting impatient. She wanted her turn with Alison. So when she had the opportunity, she flipped the blonde over and buried her face in her neck.
She had been so loving and attentive since the baby had been born. They were intimate as often as they could possibly be, but it wasn't very often that they had time alone together. Autumn was constantly up and down, day and night. They had to take the time they were given.
Alison sensed the urgency in Emily's kisses. She nipped her swollen bottom lip and grasped the back of her neck, pulling her down into the kiss. Dark waves of hair fell over her, draping her face like soft satin curtains.
Alison pushed up into her motions. She touched Emily's cheek and peered into her eyes as she broke their kiss. Before Emily could question what she was doing Alison started trailing kisses against her jaw. She stopped long enough to blow a seductive breath against her cheek.
"Ride me like a Harley, Motorcycle Mama," she whispered.
Emily almost faltered and fell on top of her. Alison had never been so brazen in their encounters before. She could definitely get used to it. She felt her pulse pounding in her ears. She held her weight above her and grinned down wickedly at her. She wasn't going to deny her.
"Your wish is my command, princess."
The next several minutes were filled with hands grasping skin, quiet cries, and desperate pleas. Emily took her time. She wanted Alison to enjoy every second of it. She was a giver, a very generous lover.
The blonde wriggled and sighed and groaned and then quietly whispered her name.
"Emily." It was so soft that Emily barely heard it.
She flung her head to the side, her cheek pressed against her pillow, giving Emily better access to the soft flesh of her neck.
When she felt the brunette's scorching tongue against her skin she nearly lost it. She slid her hands against Emily's stomach, her urges screaming at her to do more.
"God, I want to touch you."
Emily surprised her by gently taking her hand and guiding it towards her inner thigh, showing Alison where to go without hurting her.
It was the first time in weeks she'd been able to touch her. She wanted to flip her over and give Emily everything she needed and more, but she held back. She was careful.
She let Emily take control. The passion and the intimacy was enough. It's all either of them needed.
Once they were both satisfied they collapsed in a heap next to each other. Emily slowly brought Alison down from it, kissing her as her breathing started to become steady.
The first thought Alison had when her mental faculties returned to her wasn't about her pleasure or about how fantastic Emily was in bed.
The first thought she had was about Autumn. Had they been too loud? Her eyes drifted to the bassinet across the room.
"I didn't wake her, did I?" Alison bit her lip, running her fingers through her messy hair.
It was one of the cutest things she'd ever done, and it made Emily love her so much more.
"Please." Emily rolled her eyes. "That child could sleep through the apocalypse."
"You're sure she's not forming memories in her brain that she's going to tell her therapist about years from now? We're not scarring her for life, are we?" The blonde asked timidly, rubbing her flushed sweaty cheeks.
"Ali, she's fine." Emily kissed her temple.
Alison snuggled close to her. Her favorite part of being with the brunette intimately was the calm quiet that came afterwards.
"Today was nice." Alison leaned against Emily's frame, laying her head near the crook in her neck. Her arm was draped over Emily's bare stomach.
"It was." Emily smiled, thinking about how drastically times had changed. "We've come a long way since the treehouse."
She laid her chin against Alison's head. She dipped her head and kissed her soft blonde locks.
"We really have." Alison threaded her fingers into Emily's. "It's hard to believe it all started there. It seems like it was so long ago."
"Yeah. Just a couple of kids with crushes." Emily's face flushed at the memory of their first kiss.
Alison nuzzled her cheek against the divot below her collar bone
"Call me crazy, but I knew exactly what it was when we kissed that night." .
"I did, too." Emily dug her head back into her pillow. "That treehouse was magic. It was special."
"I miss it. That place was such a staple to my childhood." She glanced at Autumn's bassinet again. "Makes me wonder if maybe one day she'll have a treehouse of her own where she can daydream and read books and sneak her boyfriends or girlfriends or whoever she loves up there to kiss them."
"Whoa, slow down. I don't want her growing up that fast." Emily laughed. "I want to enjoy her childhood."
"I know." Alison sighed. "I was just feeling nostalgic."
"Maybe you can show her the ropes one day." Emily rubbed Alison's arm with her palm. She drew nonsensical shapes against her skin with her fingertip. "When the time does come when she's outgrown our snuggles and she starts exploring the world on her own I want her to be a dreamer who believes in wishes." She kissed Alison's shoulder. "Just like her mom."
Alison felt tears of joy prickling her eyes. She would love for Autumn to gain some of her better qualities. She felt so blessed that Emily loved her enough to want Autumn to be like her.
She could only wish for their daughter to be just like her moms.
"There is no better wish in the world." Alison lifted Emily's hand and kissed her knuckles.
Usually she'd do something symbolic to solidify the wish like toss a coin into a well or daydream while peering at the twinkling lights in the night sky, but their traditions had fallen by the wayside. She sighed,
"I miss wishing on stars."
The statement sparked something to life inside of Emily. She'd had an idea a few nights ago when Alison was sitting at the bedroom window trying to get a look at the stars. She hadn't had a chance to follow through with her plans yet. But now was the perfect opportunity. Emily's mind started racing, a flurry of activity that energized her entire body. Excitement jazzed through her.
She sat up, gently maneuvering out from under the blonde. It earned her a grumble and a scowl. Emily couldn't help but smile. Alison was adorable when she was mad, like a kitten showing her claws.
Alison pushed herself up on her elbows. She was about to tell her very smug girlfriend to get her ass back in bed, but then she saw the determined look on her face. She watched with curiosity as the brunette scurried around the room. Emily wriggled into a pair of pants and then pulled a shirt out of the dresser and put it on.
She tossed some clothes at Alison. Alison reached for the clothing. She pulled the shirt on first. She sat up against the edge of the mattress and slipped on the sweatpants.
She looked up to find Emily digging around the bottom drawer of the dresser. That's where they kept all their private things. Alison smirked.
"What are you doing?" Alison asked, her heart thudding in exhilaration.
"I've got an idea." Emily smirked. She grabbed a blindfold from the dresser. "Put this on." She extended it to her girlfriend.
She was ready for round two already?
Alison felt a bolt of excitement in her stomach. She quickly pulled the silky cloth over her eyes. She tried to peek, but it was no use.
Emily peered down into the bassinet. Autumn was sleeping soundly, eyes closed, lips parted as she breathed softly. Emily unlatched the sides of the moveable furniture, which turned the top portion of the bassinet into a portable little basket. It had been a lifesaver for when the baby was napping and they needed to move her. They could just pop it and go. She gripped the handles with one hand and lifted the soft basket, moving Autumn like she was little baby Moses.
She walked over to the bedside and reached out to touch Alison's palm.
"Come on." Emily smiled, taking the blonde's hand.
She shifted the bassinet in her other hand and then wrapped her free arm around Alison's waist. She carefully led her out of the apartment. She walked down the hallway, navigating Alison away from walls and welcome mats.
When they stopped Alison curiously reached out and felt around until her fingers hit a panel of elevator buttons.
"I was kind of hoping this would be something kinky." She pouted.
"Again?" Emily laughed, poking her in the ribs. "The sheets aren't even dry yet."
Alison wasn't dry yet either. She felt Emily's fingers creeping up underneath her shirt against her side and she saw a burst of light behind the darkness of the blindfold.
"I'm a thirsty bitch." She cringed at the word bitch and then sucked in a breath through her teeth. "Please tell me Autumn is still sleeping."
"She is." Emily reached out and pressed the up button. "And it's not like she'll understand anything you just said anyway. We'll worry about the cuss words when she can repeat what we say."
Alison heard the ding of the elevator and her hand tightened eagerly around Emily's. The doors opened, sending a breeze of air against them.
Emily helped Alison over the threshold and then pressed the button for the top floor. From there they exited the elevator and took a short flight of stairs to the roof.
Sabrina had showed Emily the rooftop view when she showed her the apartment, but Emily hadn't been back since. She led Alison to the overlook, glancing at the town below them. It was higher than she remembered. She couldn't help but wonder if the height would scare Alison. It was a lot taller than her treehouse.
A cool gust of wind gently tousled Alison's hair. The blindfold clung to her skin. She could hear the muffled sounds of cars and other faint noises of the bustling evening below, a song she recognized as their town.
"Are we outside?" Alison grasped at the air until she found Emily's arm. She grabbed it with both of her hands, feeling a little uneasy on her feet. "I bet I look like a prostitute. Are people staring?"
"The only person staring at you is me." Emily grinned in amusement.
"Where are we?" Alison slowly released her death grip on Emily's arm. She felt around, but came up with nothing but empty air.
Emily watched her explore, relying on all of her senses except for her sight. Being blind had ironically opened her eyes to the world around her.
"Emily, what is this?" Her heart rate had skyrocketed.
Emily touched her hand.
"Do you trust me?"
Alison used her fingertips to explore Emily's arm, tracing them up against the crease in her elbow. She slowly moved her palm up to clutch her bicep. The girl had just had a baby and she was already buff again. She was getting back into her exercise routine, starting with her arm weights.
She let her hand slide up against Emily's shoulder. It came to rest against the side of her neck. Her skin was like fire.
"I trust you more than anyone in the world." Alison nodded slowly.
Emily took her hand and led her over to a table that had two worn chairs sitting next to each other. The little set up was overlooking the entire town.
She put Autumn's bassinet down next to one of the chairs and then touched the blindfold on Alison's face.
"We're up high, so don't panic, okay?" She lowered the fabric over Alison's eyes.
The first thing Alison saw was Emily's face. She had purposefully blocked the view in case Alison needed some time to adjust to the height.
Emily slowly shuffled on her feet, moving aside. Rosewood's long stretches of dark roads were illuminated by little squares of flickering lights from houses and buildings. Below them she could see a faint green glow from traffic lights.
The small cityscape painted a view that Alison had never seen before. She'd lived in Rosewood all her life and she'd never stopped to take the time to appreciate it.
"I know it's not the treehouse, but maybe we can expand our horizons to bigger treehouses." Emily wrapped her arm around Alison, pulling her close.
The view stretched as far as the eye could see, the calm tranquil town meeting the night sky on the horizon. And upon that horizon there was something calling to her.
A light in the darkness. A sign of hope and faith in times of despair. A dreamer's dream.
The stars.
They were like untold secrets of the universe shouting loudly for all to hear.
Alison was speechless.
Below them was the sleepy little town where they had fallen in love. Above them was a rich black sky with dark blue hues and millions of tiny twinkling beacons of light, suspended in the air. They dusted the night sky in all different shapes and sizes. She observed them, noticing the slightest bit of movement as gravity pulled them slowly around the galaxy.
It was a quiet poetry that felt like home. But it only felt like home because she was with her family.
"It's perfect." Alison's voice came out so quiet she was practically whispering. "I love it."
A soft whine drew their attention away from the blanket of stars.
Autumn's tired droopy eyes blinked slowly. She wiggled her arms and legs, kicking underneath her blanket. Like clockwork, she knew it was time to eat again. She never missed a meal.
"Someone wants a midnight snack." Emily chuckled.
Autumn twisted her arms, bending her elbows inwards and curling her wrists underneath her chin. She managed to turn her head and rub at her eyes with the back of her hand.
Emily leaned down and picked her up, wrapping her blanket back around her tiny body.
"Give us a few minutes, baby girl." She kissed her forehead.
Autumn's eyes tracked back and forth between Emily's face and the sky. Emily knew she couldn't see in great detail yet, but she hoped that she could sense the stars around them.
Emily balanced her daughter in one arm and dropped her other arm between her and Alison.
Alison reached for her hand, curling her fingers into Emily's. She peered down at their daughter, the new light of her life. She touched the edge of Autumn's blanket where it met her chest, curling her finger into the fabric. Her eyes slowly trailed up until she found Emily's gaze. She felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
"In my wildest dreams I never thought I'd end up here with you." Her eyes were teeming with affection. "I love you so much, Emily."
Emily's eyes returned the same amount of adoration.
"I love you, too."
Alison lifted her chin just enough so that their lips could meet. They stood in the glow of the picture that nature provided, their hands still linked between them. Autumn was snug in the nook of Emily's arm. Alison had her hand against the infant's head, gently stroking it.
Emily led Alison to the chairs, moving them so they could sit together.
Not much was said. Not much needed to be said. That was the thing about family. Sometimes the best moments were the moments they said everything by saying nothing. The silences weren't uncomfortable.
They were literally on top of the world.
But with the dangers of heights came the risk of falling.
Alison could feel Emily's love for her every time she smiled, but in the darkness there was something hidden. Deep behind the light in her eyes a wound was festering. Emily had tried to bury it…the same way she'd buried the uneasiness she'd felt at the park after her run-in with Noel. The only problem with burying things was that sooner or later the soil shifted, and things were unearthed.
No matter how bright the lights were, if the door to let that light in was closed the darkness could only get darker.
o ~ O ~ o
Rooftop stargazing became a normal routine for them. Every Friday night they had family night. They mixed it up. Sometimes it was a candlelit dinner at a table for two overlooking Rosewood from the top of the building. Other times they snuggled on blankets, Autumn resting on one of their chests as they pointed out the Big Dipper and Orion's Belt.
Emily's main focus was her family. Alison and Autumn were the best distraction in the world. She seemed calm, cool, and collected…the same girl that Alison had seen on her bike exploring Rosewood after she'd moved back to town.
But underneath Emily's tough exterior Alison could sense that something was amiss. She was concerned about post-partum depression, but Emily didn't seem sad or distressed. She never saw the brunette cry. In fact, Emily was constantly smiling at Autumn and playing with her. She adored their baby girl.
But every so often Alison would catch Emily zoning out, staring into space. When she asked her if she was okay she got a weary smile and the excuse, "baby brain."
Emily told her that she was just tired, but the reality was that she wasn't sure Alison would understand what she was going through. They had been through a lot together, but there were still some things she didn't know how to bring up in conversation.
She couldn't move past the past. It loomed over her like a hovering darkness, a cloud wrought with the potential for damaging storms. She went weeks without telling Alison.
She didn't realize that Alison was watching her, or that she was slowly putting the pieces together. She was frustrated that she couldn't get Emily to talk to her. She felt like they were right back at the start of their relationship when they were keeping secrets from each other.
Emily had thought about telling her, but she couldn't bring herself to admit it to herself, much less to Alison.
It all came to a head on a dark and stormy night. Emily was exhausted. Autumn had been cranky all day. She'd refused to nap. She had been crying on and off for hours. It had gotten to the point where Emily was worried there might be something wrong. She'd called the pediatrician who told her it was probably just colic and that she would eventually settle.
Alison knew Emily was tired so she suggested that Emily go to bed. She took Autumn and paced around the living room with her. Autumn was fine as long as Alison was moving, so she decided to walk around the building. She knew the lobby had a large area to work with.
Emily was drifting off to sleep when she heard the door close. She laid in a strange limbo between awake and asleep. For weeks she had been waking at the slightest noises that Autumn made. Her body was trained to react to certain sounds. But all she could hear was the rumbling thunder.
Lightning flashed, flooding the room with a quick burst of bright light. She heard little droplets of rain, first tapping against the window and then flooding down against the building. The sound of the rushing water reminded her of her time in the pool. It soothed her into a tranquil state.
For the first time since Autumn had been born she fell into a deep sleep. The rumbling noises created a calming white noise.
She wasn't sure how long she slept, but when she woke up the storm was over and she could feel a warm body in the bed next to her. Emily smiled. Alison had managed to get the baby to sleep. She was a miracle worker.
Emily rolled to her side and scooted up against Alison's back. She laid her chin against her shoulder. Her hair was damp, which was strange, because Emily didn't recall Alison telling her she would be going outside.
"Did you go out?" Emily whispered quietly. "Your hair is all wet."
"Not nearly as wet as other things…" Her voice was hoarse, like she had a cold. Emily assumed she'd been singing to Autumn for hours.
In the darkness of the bedroom the mattress shifted. Alison rolled over to meet Emily's waiting body. Emily could only make out her shadow. Her eyes hadn't adjusted to the pitch black night.
Hot lips found each another in the dark. There was a harsh movement, a needy groan. Alison's tongue swirled in Emily's mouth. She was feeling particularly frisky.
Emily felt the blonde shifting, reaching for something that she couldn't see. Seconds later she felt curved fingertips against her temples.
"I have a surprise for you." She slipped the silk fabric of a blindfold over Emily's eyes. She tied it gently behind her head. "Just relax," she whispered, dragging the tip of her finger down Emily's jaw line.
She touched the crease in her lips and then slid her finger down into the crevice of her neck. As she drifted lower she pressed her lips against Emily's. Her fingers undressed her, plucking the buttons of her top open.
Emily's muscles tightened beneath her touch. Her tension was palpable. With a gentle pressure, but a firm touch, Alison worked the knots out of her body.
The blonde's lips were everywhere. Her fingers left no trace of her girlfriend's skin untouched. Emily felt the feathery trail of her touches, driving a hot burning sensation into her groin, which had fully healed and was ready for action.
She felt something warm and wet between the dip in her chest at the exact same moment she felt something tender against her inner thigh. She got lost in the bliss. Everything was more intense in the dark. She could see everything Alison was doing to her in her mind. She felt like ripping the blindfold off, but having to rely on her other senses heightened them and increased her pleasure.
She was painfully aware of her touch. It was seductive and sensual. Fingernails lightly grazed the sensitive skin between her chest, sending goosebumps rising all over her body.
Fingers trailing slowly up her thighs. Fingertips hitting certain pressure points.
Those fingers were soon doing things to her that made her see stars. Soon she was meeting her, motion for motion.
Mouth. Fingers.
Fingers. Mouth.
Soft. Intoxicating.
Emily couldn't stand it anymore. She felt like she was going to burst. She moved her fingers to mimic Alison's motions, but when she touched the blonde things shifted in a strange way. She felt something new. Something had changed. It wasn't the same.
The blindfold slipped, revealing a curtain of blonde hair over her. Heated breaths were coming out in spurts against her face as they both moved their fingers in tandem.
"Alison," she whispered as she felt the force of the blonde's weight, "Ali…"
Before she could finish her thought silky lips were on hers. Then they were against her jaw, her pulse point. Soon they were against the tip of her ear, a hot tongue exploring the soft flesh behind her lobe.
"Emily…"
The voice was light and airy.
But it didn't belong to Alison.
She felt a shiver jolt her. Her body shut down. As she jerked her head, the blindfold slipped all the way down to her chin.
"Courtney." Emily couldn't breathe. Her eyes adjusted and met the cold malevolent stare of her worst nightmare.
She had a satisfied smirk on her face.
"I told you that you were mine."
"You…" She felt like she was swallowing her tongue. "You can't…" She couldn't be there, yet Emily felt her weight against her. "You're not…" You're not real.
She wanted to scream it out loud, but her voice was caught in her throat.
"I know, sweetie." Courtney lowered her index finger against Emily's lips, shushing her. "I know." She rubbed her now flat stomach. "We both thought I was going to die that night. I never thought they'd get my heart started again."
"I thought you were dead." Emily could barely speak over the tight tension of her throat closing up.
"But I'm not. Aren't you glad that I'm not?" She moved her hand between Emily's thighs again. "How lucky we are…"
Emily saw stars. She blinked, and she wasn't in her apartment in Rosewood anymore. She was back in San Antonio. She was in her bedroom, Courtney hovering over her, their bodies connected, her fingers driving Emily insane.
"Feel me, Emily." Her body met Emily's in a soft clashing motion. Her lips were on Emily's again as their bodies bucked together.
Emily felt like she should stop her, but something strange was happening as Courtney molded her body to fit perfectly against her.
Oh…God, she realized.
She wanted more. She wanted Courtney.
Had Courtney been right? Had she wanted it the whole time?
Emily felt sick at the thought of it.
That couldn't be it.
But her actions betrayed her feelings.
She moaned and gripped the back of Courtney's neck, which drew her closer. Their foreheads touched as Courtney set her body on fire from the inside. She smirked. She could see what she was doing to the brunette.
"What do you want, Little Lamb?"
Emily struggled to find the verbal part of her brain.
Courtney gripped her soft flesh, her touch hitting every mark. Emily felt like her body was floating. She was an ethereal being just existing in a world of bliss.
"What…" Her finger strokes were slow and methodical, "Do…" Pressure building and rising."You…" Hot breath against her naked body, "Want?"
Emily groaned. The pressure was immense. It had built to the point of pain, which was something she knew Courtney was getting off on. But she couldn't think about Courtney. She couldn't think about anything other than the tight ball of tension in her body. If she didn't get some relief soon she was going to burst.
"Y…you. I want you."
The moment she said it Courtney's expression changed. She started laughing, a permanent smile fixed on her face.
Her fingers were no longer soft and delicate. They turned into rough unabashed tools. Emily tried to concentrate, but her mind was too busy working to distinguish pleasure from pain. Something larger replaced Courtney's fingers, making her cry out. Something sharp ripped into her, yet it didn't stop her from begging for more. It didn't stop her from gripping Courtney's shoulders or from tearing into her back with her fingernails.
Her body wanted a release, but her mind wouldn't let her have it. As hard as she tried she couldn't find the high she was chasing. She felt cold. Numb.
She couldn't breathe.
She opened her eyes and realized that Courtney's hands were around her neck, crushing her windpipe.
I can't breathe. She thought. She tried to vocalize it, but all that came out was a strangled moan. Her eyes started to roll back in her head.
And that's when she felt it.
The pressure was gone. A roaring fire shot through her body as Courtney cut off her airway. Her body went limp against the mattress, but Courtney didn't stop.
She wouldn't stop until she'd killed her, and Emily understood that now.
"Courtney," she said through a strangled gasp. "Please…"
Her baby. What about her baby? What about Alison?
Her vision exploded into a dark pit. She was fading.
"We're connected." She heard Courtney's voice drifting away as she collapsed on top of her, shuddering wildly. "You can't stop thinking about me."
Just when she thought it was over she felt a painful jab in her chest.
A knife.
She felt the hot trails of blood pooling on the sheets. Her heart was a twisted mess. She could feel it staggering, struggling with each beat.
Her body twitched. She felt the knife being yanked out, dragging against the bones of her ribcage. Then it was plunged into her chest again.
She gasped for air and jerked up in her bed in a cold sweat, clawing at her throat, prying Courtney's fingers away.
But Courtney's fingers weren't there. She wasn't in San Antonio anymore. She was back in Rosewood, back with her family.
She cursed herself for not realizing it was a dream. It wasn't the first time it had happened. The nightmares had started after Isaac told her about the funeral. She had felt something inside of her crack that day.
She could hear her pulse pounding in her head. Her skin was dripping wet. She felt a bead of perspiration rolling down her face. Her clothes were damp. She was gripping the tangled sheets in between her fingers. They were soaked. Her long legs were twisted up in them.
The dream had been intense. She felt a flurry of emotions. Frustration. Anger. Guilt. Terror.
She laid paralyzed in shock for a minute, her eyes on the ceiling. When she felt her senses returning to her she realized something soft and warm was against her stomach.
She looked down and saw Alison's arm lazily lying across her bare belly underneath her button up shirt, which was riding up so far that it was almost completely over her breasts.
When Emily was pregnant Alison had made it a habit to hold her, hands clasped above her belly. She'd held her so much because she wanted to hold Autumn, too. She'd wanted the baby to know she was there. It was still a habit for her.
Emily rolled her head to the side to find Alison lying on her side facing her, eyes closed. Emily gently touched the hand on her stomach and peered at the sleeping blonde.
Alison smiled in her sleep, as if she could feel Emily's eyes on her.
God, she's precious. Emily carefully rolled towards her.
She reached up and caressed her soft cheek with her fingertips. Alison sighed softly.
Emily leaned forward, whispering,
"Ali, are you awake?"
When she didn't get a response she delicately pressed her lips against Alison's, eliciting a soft hum of pleasure in her unconsciousness.
Something about the noise jerked Emily out of reality and sent her plunging back inside her nightmare. She was back in her old bedroom, back to Courtney on top of her, holding her down. She was back to the pleasure she didn't want to feel. It was fucked up that she was dreaming about enjoying it.
She drew back and sucked in a heavy breath, trying not to make noise so she wouldn't wake Alison and the baby.
She carefully picked up Alison's arm and shifted it, moving out from under it. She crawled out from under the covers. She sat on the side of the bed, feet firmly planted against the carpet, head bowed with her face in her hands.
She rubbed her cheeks vigorously, wiping away the sweat as she tried to shake her nerves away.
Why couldn't she get Courtney out of her head? She'd been doing everything her therapist was telling her to do.
Not everything. She reminded herself.
There was still one thing she hadn't done.
"Have you considered talking to her?" Doctor Sullivan had asked her in one session after Emily told her about the dreams.
It had sounded like the most ludicrous suggestion in the world.
"For what purpose? It's not like she can hear what I'm saying. It's not like she'll talk back."
"A part of you is still tethered to her. The dreams are about control…"
Emily had been frustrated, so she cut her off,
"I know that. But why does it matter anymore?"
"Emily, you're dealing with the birth of your daughter while trying to find a balance for your future. Emotions are running high. Your hormones are still settling. It's understandable that you're struggling with unresolved feelings."
"Everything is resolved," she'd argued.
"If that were the case then the dreams wouldn't be happening, would they?"
She'd hated Doctor Sullivan in that moment. She'd hated her because she was right.
She realized she'd been lying to herself. She'd been lying to everyone else, too. She'd once told Alison she'd never been attracted to Courtney.
That wasn't true.
She'd been attracted to her at the very beginning, before Courtney showed Emily her true face, before she started terrorizing her. She remembered checking her out at their very first swim practice.
Courtney had seen her eyes on her and she'd smiled at her. Emily had invited her in with that one look.
She should have known. She'd heard stories about her. She shouldn't have let herself feel the things she felt that day.
The attraction scared her, because what did it say about her that she'd been attracted, however briefly, to a monster?
The guilt was eating her alive.
The dreams had been a thorn in her side for weeks. She knew what she had to do to get them to stop, but just thinking about it filled her with dread.
Courtney's actions had lasting effects. She had slithered into Emily's brain, constricting her in an invisible chokehold, cutting off the very vital parts she needed to live. The blonde was a part of her, a part she couldn't break free from.
Her words were like an echo chamber in her mind, screaming the worst things she'd ever said to her. It was like sitting in the chair at the dentist. She was completely numb, but she could feel the incessant drilling noise echoing in her skull. It chipped away at her soul.
She had tried to let it go. She told herself she'd never cared about Courtney. She told herself that it didn't matter anymore, but her thoughts betrayed her, just like her mind betrayed her when she was asleep.
Courtney was always there, looming in the darkness. When her friends were laughing and talking about their future plans Emily was quietly biting her tongue, trying not to scream how much she wanted them to know that Courtney was skulking in her mind.
She saw her in every blonde stranger on the street. She heard her in every condescending tone that she heard. She felt her presence every time a door slammed. When she slept she dreamed about her.
She couldn't even get away from her in fiction. When she tried to read a book her mind would drift. She couldn't concentrate on the page because all she could think about was Courtney dissecting Hemingway.
Even when Courtney wasn't touching her, her claws were still in her.
She knew that the burden to bear wasn't hers alone. She'd seen the things Courtney had done to them written all over Alison's face. Alison's life had been affected, too. So had Autumn's, though she was too little to know that.
The only time she wasn't thinking about the blonde was when she looked at Autumn. Her child was her saving grace. She got lost in her smile, her eyes, her giggles.
A dreamy murmur from Alison captured her attention. Emily looked at her. She looked so peaceful.
Emily untwisted herself from the sheets and leaned over to kiss Alison's temple before climbing out of bed.
She glanced in Autumn's bassinet, taking a moment to bask in how cute her daughter looked. She was so serene and angelic when she was asleep.
I did that. She smiled. I made her.
Emily dragged her feet across the carpet, yawning as she walked towards the kitchen. She was careful not to make noise.
She grabbed a tea kettle and slipped it under the running tap water. She dug her mother's tea recipe out and waited for the water to boil.
After she finished brewing the tea she poured it into a mug and sat down at the kitchen table.
That's where Alison found her ten minutes later; sitting at the kitchen table and staring at the mug of tea in her hands.
The blonde walked in, rubbing sleep from the corner of her eye. She yawned.
"Em?"
"Hmm?" She couldn't look Alison in the eyes. She felt like she was cheating on her.
Alison frowned and moved towards her. She put her palm down against the edge of the table, but Emily still refused to meet her gaze.
Alison took note of the brunette's splotchy swollen cheeks. They were a deep shade of burgundy. Her skin was clammy and wet. Something was clearly upsetting her. And Alison knew it was more than just a bout of insomnia.
"Emily…why won't you look at me?"
Emily tried not to think about how she'd felt while Courtney touched her. She tried to remind herself that the physical contact with Courtney in her nightmares felt nothing like Alison's loving passionate touches. Alison made her feel full and bright and loved. Alison's touches were unadulterated love. Courtney was nothing but hate and pain.
"Would you look at me, please?" Her voice was strained. Emily could tell she was concerned.
"Sorry." Emily tried to shake it off. "Just feeling a little dazed."
"Something is wrong." Alison could see it.
Of course she could see it. They'd gotten so close that there were no secrets between them anymore.
Alison sat down next to her.
"You're doing that thing you do where you go somewhere…"
"I didn't go anywhere. I'm right here." Emily smiled weakly.
Alison scowled at her. She was in no mood for guessing games.
"I meant here…" She tapped Emily's head with her index finger.
Emily pulled away from her touch. Alison sighed.
There was a pregnant pause, then Alison put her hand on top of Emily's.
"I have nightmares, too." The softness of her voice sparked a quiet pain in Emily's heart. "About that night…and…" she paused, cringing. "Other things."
"Other things?" Emily finally lifted her head and found Alison's weary eyes staring back at her.
"The things she did to you." There was a crack in her voice. "The things she would have done to Autumn if she'd had the chance. Or…or what she'd do to you if you'd gone with her to save Autumn."
Alison's declaration made Emily feel even guiltier about the dream. She knew it wasn't her fault. She knew it didn't mean anything. But she was angry that her brain was so mixed up that she was dreaming about having sex with the girl who had tormented and nearly killed her.
Every dream was different. Sometimes Emily knew it was her. Sometimes she didn't. Sometimes Courtney was loving. Sometimes she brutally raped her. Sometimes they talked. Sometimes they laid together silently.
But they all ended the same.
Courtney killed her.
"My dreams aren't about that night." Emily grimaced. She could feel Courtney's fingers against her body, slithering like a snake.
"What are they about?"
Emily peered at the floor, staring at her feet. It was a complicated question with a complicated answer.
"Em, you haven't been the same since you had Autumn. I don't know what's wrong. And I can't help if I don't know what's wrong. Has the therapy not been helping?"
Emily's shoulders slumped.
It had been too helpful. She suddenly found herself mad at Doctor Sullivan again. She curled her fingers up against the slick surface of the wooden table.
"The therapy actually opened up a lot of doors in my head." Doors that she did not want open. Emily slowly lifted her chin again. "It's helped me realize some things…about…about Courtney. And me." She licked her lips nervously. "The dreams are about us…" There was a twitch in her right eye, a stinging sensation in her throat. Bile. "About me and Courtney. Together…"
She trailed off. She couldn't say it.
There was a beat of silence.
"Oh." It was all Alison could think to say.
"It's not…" Emily struggled to figure out how to explain it. "I don't…want it. She's just there, and it happens. And I don't know how to stop it. I can't stop it."
"All this time…" Alison's voice quivered, "All this time you've been having nightmares about her raping you?"
"Kind of." She couldn't tell Alison about the dreams in detail. She wasn't even sure she could explain them out loud. It was hard enough with Doctor Sullivan. "It's weird, because I'm not afraid or upset. I don't hate her when she's in my nightmares. And I feel this strange sense of relief about the things she does." She bit through her teeth and cringed when she saw Alison flinch. "I'm sorry." A rush of shame washed over her. "I know it sounds crazy and disgusting and that it makes no sense, but Doctor Sullivan says it's not about what's happening in the dream so much as it's about control."
Alison's pinched brow slowly loosened. Her mouth drooped into a small "o" as a look of understanding washed across her face.
"You never got closure." There was a cold sinking feeling in her chest, followed by a red hot ball of anger.
She couldn't let go. Courtney wouldn't let her let go. Emily had been suffering in silence this entire time.
Alison wasn't sure whether she wanted to cry or scream. The fact that Emily was struggling caused a physical ache in her chest. It clashed with the hate that she felt for Courtney. Because the bitch still had a piece of Emily. And it didn't belong to her.
She saw Emily turn away from her, trying to hide her embarrassment.
"Hey, don't…" Alison gripped her hand. Emily turned back to look at her again. "It's okay. I get it. I know what it's like." Alison touched her cheek. "To hold that in. To not…" She sucked her lip in between her teeth and chewed on it, "…to not be able to get that sense of who you are back."
Alison screwed her eyes shut and shook her head, trying not to cry. She knew what it felt like. She knew what it was like to lose her identity to someone who didn't have permission to take it.
Emily had helped her understand that what happened to her wasn't her fault. The brunette had come in all suave and gallant and started punching teachers to defend her honor. Her overreactions made sense to Alison now that she knew the truth. Emily had been going through the same thing.
She was still going through it.
She felt Emily's fingers against her arm and she opened her eyes and puffed out a breath. She met Emily's sweet caring gaze and she relaxed in her chair.
"When Ian took advantage of me when I was younger I felt like something inside of me…changed." She had trouble trying to find the right words. "It was like I wasn't me anymore, like he'd taken me away from myself. I know it was just a kiss, but I was a kid. It changed me. Then when Wilden…" She sighed, "…I just couldn't make peace with any of it. I didn't think I'd ever be able to find any sense of normalcy again. But then something happened that gave me my life back."
Emily cocked her head curiously.
"What changed?"
"I met you."
Emily's face flushed with fresh color, eclipsing the patchy splotches on her cheeks, the remnants of her nightmare dissipating.
Her lip curled into a half smile. For a brief second Alison could see the adventurous girl who had challenged her in every way in life. When she fell in love with Emily she had been forced to take a good hard look at herself, and she was better because of it. Emily had changed her entire worldview with a simple cocky smile and an argument about the color violet.
"What's that smile about?" Alison moved her chair closer to the brunette.
"You are such a sap." Emily reached up and threaded her fingers through Alison's bed head.
She loved it when Alison was a little messy.
"Only for you." Alison leaned over, scooting closer to the edge of her chair.
Emily met her halfway, their lips brushing together lightly. Alison laid her hand against Emily's neck, feeling the sweltering heat and perspiration on Emily's skin. She sighed when they pulled away, wiping away the sweat on her cheek.
"They must be pretty bad." Alison's cupped her face, rubbing her thumb underneath Emily's eye. "How often do you have them?"
"A few times a week," Emily said it so casually, like it was the most normal thing in the world for her to be dreaming about Courtney violating her.
"And Doctor Sullivan thinks if you find a way to feel in control again they'll stop?" She lowered her hand and moved to rest it against the table.
"Maybe." Emily seemed unsure about her response. She tensed up uncomfortably.
"Well, whatever you need to do I'll support you. You were there for me when I was going through this. You're the one who made me realize that the people who hurt us don't get to keep hurting us."
"I think I know what I have to do, but I'm not ready."
Emily didn't have to explain it any further. Alison knew exactly what she was thinking.
"Have you talked to Isaac?"
Emily sighed. They talked, but not nearly as often as she thought they would. He'd visited a few times, but she could tell that he'd been dealing with some heavy emotions. His life had been completely turned on its head.
"I think he's avoiding me." Which was ironic considering she'd spent months avoiding him after the breakup.
Alison stifled a caustic laugh. He'd practically fought his way back into Emily's life tooth and nail.
"He was madly in love with you, and he adores Autumn. There is no way he's avoiding you."
"Yeah, but that was before…" Emily drifted off, trying not to think about it.
"Whatever he's doing he's probably doing to try to protect us."
Alison made a good point. There was no way in hell he would ever let any harm come to them, especially not Autumn.
He'd always been stubbornly valiant and noble. The only problem was that he often overlooked himself.
"He doesn't have anyone to protect him," Emily replied sadly.
"He grew up with her." Alison reminded her. "If anyone can hold their own in life, it's him."
"I should call him. Make sure he's okay." Emily mindlessly traced her finger against the rim of her cup.
"You should ask him about her…about what he thinks you should do."
Alison knew that she didn't have the same link that Emily had with Isaac. There were some things she knew she'd never be able to understand. There were a lot of aspects about their dynamic that she should feel jealous of, but she didn't. Because she had the only thing that really mattered. She had Emily. She had Autumn. She had her family.
"Maybe in the morning." Emily nodded, putting her palms against the table. The tea was directly in the middle of her hands. She stared at it for a minute and then rose to her feet. She picked up the mug with one hand and extended her other hand to Alison. "Let's go back to bed."
She helped Alison to her feet and led her back to the bedroom.
When they crawled into bed Alison curled up against her. Emily smiled as the blonde gripped her hand and laid her head down on her chest.
Emily looked at the beautiful girl in her arms. The moonlight was filtering in through the window, leaving a luminous glow on the blonde's face. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the feeling of Alison's body against hers. It was all she needed to shed the pain and keep the darkness at bay.
o ~ O ~ o
The summer months went by slowly. They drew strength from one another, trying to move forward from the trauma they'd endured. Their summer was supposed to be one of new beginnings and hope, but it was hard to let go of the ghosts of the past.
Emily slowly came to the realization that the only thing holding her back was her own stubborn nature. There was only one thing she needed to do before she could move on. But it was complicated.
It had started with a conversation with Isaac. He called her weekly to check in. She hadn't seen him since he'd met Autumn. He'd stayed in town just long enough to skip going back to Texas for Nick's funeral. He'd been busy trying to transition to college and handle his family drama since then.
He had a lot to work through. He'd been devastated to find out the extent of Courtney's torture, and he'd been even more upset that his best friend was in on it, too. He couldn't stand thinking about how close they had come to hurting the baby.
He had wanted to spend his entire summer in Rosewood getting to know Alison and Autumn, but he had obligations in New York. As much as he despised his family, he knew he wasn't done with them yet.
He'd been giving Emily their regular weekly update when Emily made a suggestion that caught him off-guard.
He'd listened. He'd heard her. He understood, but he was still wary.
"Are you sure?" he'd asked. "You don't have to feel obligated to do this. I would never ask you to…"
"I know." Emily quietly replied. "It's something I need to do. For myself."
There was a heavy sigh on Isaac's end of the phone.
"I get it. It's like…a tumor. You can cut it out, but it takes a piece of you with it. And it can always come back." There was a pause and then, "I could go with you, but it might be better if it's just you."
"I think I have to do it alone."
"And Alison? What does she have to say about this?" The last thing he needed was another fiery blonde pissed off at him.
She'd talked to Alison about it several times. Alison was less enthused about the idea, but she understood why Emily needed to do it.
"We're driving up together, but she's not going with me," Emily answered.
Isaac didn't try to talk her out of it. He knew that when her mind was made up about something there was nothing anyone could say to stop her.
When the day arrived, she got up early. She packed a bag for Autumn and made sure there was plenty of breastmilk to get her through the day without her. Then she'd gone to her parents' house to drop her off.
Her father greeted his granddaughter with a smile, but Emily could sense the tension in his stance. After Pam took Autumn to change her diaper Wayne turned to his daughter, a somber look on his face.
"Emmy, are you sure you want to do this?" He asked. "You don't have to if you don't want to." He kissed the top of her head. "You don't owe that family anything."
Emily had struggled with whether or not she wanted to tell her parents the truth about everything. She knew it wouldn't change anything, but holding it in was killing her. It was doing too much damage.
She'd told her mom and dad everything. Including what had happened back in San Antonio. All of what had happened back in San Antonio. Courtney's unwanted advances. Isaac's parents bribing her not to tell him the truth. The torture that Courtney and Nick had put her through in Rosewood. The near death experiences. Maya being drugged. Her dad being drugged. She didn't leave anything out.
Her mother cried. Her father was so angry he talked about hiring a hitman. When they calmed down she told them she didn't want to make a huge deal out of it. She didn't want her daughter's birth to be marred with the stains of what had happened. She was working to move past it.
Isaac had wanted to tell his parents, too. He blamed them for never getting Courtney help. They had known exactly who she was, and they hadn't done a damn thing to help her. But out of respect for Emily, he honored Emily's request not to involve them.
"It was my idea." Emily replied. "I don't want to, but I have to. I know it doesn't make sense…"
"Baby," he said, pulling her in for a hug, "you just do what feels right for you. We'll take care of Autumn."
It had been the first time Emily left Autumn alone with her parents. It had terrified her to do so. It terrified her to do so because of what Courtney had put her through. She would always wear the scars of her past. She was ready to own those scars.
She kissed her daughter goodbye before she left and walked out the door with her head held high.
She was quiet on the drive up. Alison talked to her from the passenger's seat, trying to keep the mood light.
Emily barely heard a word she said. She was thinking about what she wanted to say.
By the time they pulled up to the gate Emily realized that planning a one-sided conversation was pointless.
After she parked she turned to give Alison a peck on the cheek. Then she gathered up every last bit of her strength and made herself get out of the car. It was cloudy out, so the building was encased in shadows that made it feel ominous. She forced herself to walk forward even though she couldn't feel her feet.
When she walked inside the smell of bleach overwhelmed her senses. She wiped at the tears that had sprung to her eyes and cleared her throat, trying to adjust to the pungent odor.
She walked to the front and signed the visitor's log. Then she sat down and waited for someone to come get her.
A young man in a suit and tie named Wren Kingston walked through the security door. He asked Emily if she had any personal items on her.
Emily's mouth was so dry that she couldn't speak, so she just shook her head.
He took her back through a long corridor, keying in security codes and swiping his badge at each closed door they came to. She blindly followed him, losing track of how many times they had turned corners. Her eyes darted to all the rooms around her. Some were open. Some were closed. Some had people in them. Others were empty.
They stopped at a closed door. Emily was so lost in thought that she almost ran into Wren. When she looked up she saw that there was a dark-skinned man in scrubs in a chair sitting next to the door. His badge said Eddie on it. He waved to her and then went back to the magazine in his hands.
Wren introduced her to Eddie, telling her that he would be right outside the door at all times. If she needed anything all she had to do was call for him.
Emily glanced at the room across the hall. A girl who couldn't be more than fifteen was sitting against the edge of her bare mattress. She had on a white T-shirt and sweatpants. She glanced up at Emily and smiled at her.
She heard Wren talking to her about protocols, but his words sounded like the adults in Charlie Brown.
She wasn't sure what to expect when he opened the door.
To her surprise, the room looked completely normal. The pale walls were covered with artwork drawn on thin flimsy paper. The bed was freshly made. Daylight was flooding in through the window. Emily did a double-take when she saw the glass window, but then she realized it was double paned security glass. Unbreakable.
In the center of the room there was a small round table and a single empty chair. On the table there was a clay mold and several pieces of paper covered with large thick crayons. The jumbo ones that were flat without a pointed tip.
Across the table there was a second chair being occupied by a familiar face.
Emily looked directly into her cold blue eyes and took a step forward.
"Hello, Courtney."
A/N: Did you pivot at the last minute to avoid the giant plot twist in the road?
Sorry, it took me forever to determine how to split these last chapters. It's slow-going. You're going to have two more and the epilogue, final answer.