Chapter 44

I'm fighting monsters in my head I'm sliding every time there's threats I don't need nobody's help Come here, babe; this is the entire team, nobody else

Oliver

He sighed deeply after Sara's words. He wasn't sure his team remembered he used to do this alone. That he could still do this alone. It was a thought that had crossed his mind several times in the last couple of months, especially whenever the argument about the other vigilantes had come up. But at the same time now was a terrible moment to decide to go back and do it alone. He'd probably done it months ago if Sara hadn't been pregnant and still chosen to come home with him.

Having Sara and him be the entire team would make a lot of sense on so many different levels, but Sara wasn't going to be an active part of the team for several more months at least, maybe never again. And even if she should decide to join the team again... if they were the entire team, it meant they would need someone to watch Mila every night they were out in the field together and neither of them wanted that. Just like they didn't want to risk Mila ending up an orphan. This, exactly this was why neither of them had planned on having children. The life they led was not made for a child to be a part of and yet, he loved his baby girl more than he ever thought was possible. There were a lot of moments lately when he wondered if maybe he should just step away, put down his bow and leave the Green Arrow behind. But he couldn't do that while watching his home slowly decay and turn into war zone. He couldn't step away as long as he was living in Star City, as long as they decided to raise Mila here.

He looks at Sara. Maybe he should just take her and run. Run to some place where no one knows them, somewhere away from civilization, just a nice little place for the two of them to raise their baby girl in, driving a couple of hours every once in a while to reach the next town and get whatever they need… maybe… maybe then they would be able to leave the past behind, to deal with their issues. To live a normal, happy life. Maybe then Mila would be safe. Safe in a way she would never be in Star City. Safe like William was before he had stepped into his life. Safe as she should be. Maybe… but could he really step away from it all again? Leave Speedy alone, yet again? He couldn't do that to his baby sister, he couldn't let her down again, abandon her again. He had turned his back on her too many times already. Speedy needed him just as much as Sara did. And he needed her, he needed his baby sister. Because his words from years ago were still true. If Thea and he weren't together, they weren't really alive. They had drifted apart in the last couple of years and it was mostly his fault. He wanted to do right by her now; he wanted to get to know her again, go back to how they used to be. He wanted his sister back.

He couldn't leave Star City again, at least not without Speedy. And he knew she wouldn't leave now.

But he couldn't step away from being the Green Arrow as long as he lived here, and people were suffering. And he couldn't do it alone either.

So what were his option?

Roy had his own team, he was happy and had come so far... besides he was dead as far as the public knew. Oliver would never forget the sacrifices Roy had made for him and he was very grateful, but those meant that having Arsenal back in the field wasn't an option. Unfortunately, unless they came up with an explanation as to why Roy Harper was suddenly alive again? That was something to think and talk about with Sara and Roy at another time. Roy was bound for a visit, anyway. He needed to text him and set a date later. Unless Sara had already taken care of that, she was better at keeping in touch with Roy than he was.

He loved working with Speedy, but he'd rather have her safely at home during the nights than out there in danger with him. She was his baby sister all he had ever wanted from the moment she was born was to keep her safe, protect her. He had failed to do that on so many occasions. He had so much to make up to her. Maybe he should bring up having her step away from it sometime. Once he figured out how to bring it up without it turning into an argument.

The same applied to Laurel. He had grown used to having her in the field with him, and she had improved so much over the last two years. Even so, he had never wanted her to join the team to begin with. He had never wanted to expose her to the dangers that came with being a vigilante. She had been talking about maybe stepping away from it all before he had left with Sara, maybe she'd consider it again, now that he was back home? Not that he was going to bring it up in the near future, not after the conversation he'd just had with her. She'd bite his head off and he was not up for that argument at all.

The problem remained though, if he could convince Speedy and Laurel to step away from it all, he would be alone in the field again and he wasn't sure he could do that.

But he wasn't sure he could keep doing it with John and Felicity either. Their dynamic had changed so much over the years, the team had somehow ended up as a democracy. They had stopped respecting him as the leader. They were questioning his every decision and sometimes blatantly refusing his orders or even going as far as going against them. That could get him or Thea or Laurel or all of them killed. He couldn't take any chances with his life like this anymore. It was no longer just him he had to think about. He wasn't an I anymore; he was a WE now; he had to think about his family, his family… he liked the sound of that. He looked at Sara and smiled at her and the warm feeling the thought brought with it. His family, Sara and Mila and Speedy. He and Thea weren't the only Queens anymore. They weren't alone anymore. Not that Thea was aware of that yet…

He could no longer risk Felicity going against him and making rash, emotion-based decisions that could get him killed. He couldn't risk Dig going against him to protect Felicity's feelings any longer. He couldn't tolerate their behavior anymore. He needed to know that they knew their place, knew that every decision they made, every order they refused could lead to him being killed and Mila growing up without her father.

Hiding his face behind that mask had never been more crucial, protecting the ones he cared about had never been more important, no, not the ones he cared about, the woman he loved and their unborn child. He had to make sure that they were as safe as possible while being home. Both he and Sara had enough enemies already, there was no need to risk having even more.

He should have Felicity and Dig over for dinner and talk about everything. Put all the cards on the table and try to explain his side to them. Try to make them understand and see where he was coming from. Why he couldn't take the risk that came with revealing his secrets to strangers he didn't know. Maybe having a conversation outside of the bunker would lead to actual results.

"C'mon, Pretty Bird, let's continue this conversation in the living room, you'll be more comfortable there and it's going to take a while." He got up from his chair, walked around the table and helped her up from hers, drawing her into a kiss before pulling her into his side and walking her to their living room, making her sit in her favorite place on the couch, providing her with all of her pillows, making sure that she was comfortable before heading back to the kitchen to get their drinks.

Oliver took his armchair and moved it so he could place it close to Sara on the couch, it gave them some space between them and he could look at her without either of them being in an uncomfortable position before sitting down and sharing his thoughts with her.

"I can't risk anyone learning the Green Arrow's identity right now, I can't risk being exposed to anyone. If I get exposed, so will you. And I can't risk you. I can't lose you again, Sara. I can't lose Mila. Letting anyone new in on the secret is too big a risk, one I can't afford to take. Not while you're vulnerable. Keeping my identity a secret has never been more important than right now." He looked at his wife while sharing his thoughts with her, squeezed her hands, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"And I just don't understand why they refuse to see that. We don't know those people. We don't know why they go out every night. What their goal or motivation is. And yes, we could figure that out. But more importantly, none of them have ever showed the slightest interest to get in contact with any of us. They have no interest in working with us." He wanted to make sure she understood exactly what his biggest issue with Felicity's idea was. It was so very important that she knew the facts. That she knew his thoughts on the matter, not that he had had any doubt whether she'd agree with him even before she had shared her thoughts with him, but because he needed to make sure that she knew the arguments he was going to give his team and back them up.

"Roy sought me out, he did everything he could to get my attention because he believed in what I was doing, in my mission, and he wanted to be a part of it. Not those vigilantes, Sara. They have no interest in working with us, in what we are doing." He continued, pausing for a moment, to gather his thoughts and give her time to digest the information and let it sink in.

"So, why should I entrust them with my secret? Why should I let them in on the team? There is no reason for it at all. And like you said, there is no need for even more people getting involved. The people that are have already led to me no longer following my own mission. I lost sight of my path and our city, and the people in it are paying for it. I'm fighting fucking street crime, which is just one of the symptoms, not the disease. The city will never get better as long as all we do is fight the symptoms instead of the actual disease." He knew Sara must detect the frustration and anger in his voice, given the tender, sympathetic look on her face and the way she was now the one squeezing his hands. He squeezed back and took a very deep breath before sharing the thoughts with her he had had for a while but hadn't dared say them aloud. But he might as well share them with her, too. She might be able to give him the clarity he was missing. She usually did.

"I have been seriously considering going back to the list. But a part of me feels like I'm letting Tommy down if I'm going back to killing. But going back to the list without putting killing on the table again means that if they go to prison, they'll probably get released too soon, because their sentences are a joke. So the only option I'd have if I'd be going back to the list would be killing again. And I'm not sure I can do that. And yet, no longer killing is what has led to the city being in the state it is. And my refusal to kill is the reason William is no longer a part of my life." He knew that sharing that last part with Sara was probably going to lead to an argument. He released one of her hand's so that he could rub his eyes, while expelling his breath.

"Ollie… I think… wait, what? What does you having given up on killing to do with you giving up William? Damien is gone. We made sure of that. He's dead. Unless you had the chance to kill him sooner and you haven't, you not killing has nothing to do with what happened to William." He could understand his wife's confusion. There was a reason he had never actually explained the events that led to William's kidnapping to her.

She had already been less than happy, and if that wasn't the understatement of the year, when he had told her he had given the ring and control of the League over to Malcolm instead of Nyssa. She would've seriously kicked his ass, had he confessed that Malcolm had been the one who had learnt about and kidnapped William and handed him over to Damien.

But it was time to come clean, way pastime. They needed to be open and honest with each other. Not keeping things from the other because it might be uncomfortable to talk about or lead to an argument. They owed each other that and more. Because in the end, they were all they've got. She was the only one he could always count on, the only one he needed on his side. The only person he trusted completely. She was his entire world; she was his family.

He closed his eyes for a moment. Holding on to both of her hands again, trying to have her presence ground him before straightening his shoulders, taking a deep breath, opening his eyes again and looking right into hers, continuing his confession.

"Malcolm somehow found out about William and told Damien about him. He even went to Central City to get him. Malcolm was the one who kidnapped William." He knew that his confession would not sit well with Sara and probably piss her off, especially because he had never mentioned that part of the story before. But talking about Malcolm to Sara always brought up those awful memories of her broken, bloodied and cold body lying on the table in the Foundry, a place they had called their home not six months before he had closed her eyes for what he had believed to be the last time. And this was an event he'd rather never, ever be reminded of. He held on to her hands a little tighter, willing those horrible pictures from his mind and focusing back on the conversation at hand.

"Had I not spared Malcolm's life after I found out he was still alive, after he had… after you… if I'd done what Nyssa and Laurel demanded of me, if I'd killed him back then, William might have never been kidnapped and I might not have had to give him up. But… I knew then that I should just do it, that I'd regret it if I didn't but I just… I couldn't do it, Sara. Not even for you." His voice nearly broke towards the end and he swallowed hard at the end, lowering his eyes to look at the fllorin instead of hers, feeling ashamed after admitting that. Feeling he had let her down. He should've avenged her. He should've made Malcolm suffer as much as he was suffering because his Pretty Bird had been taken from him. But he just hadn't been able to do it. He hadn't been able to kill his best friend's and baby sister's father. Not even after what he had done to Sara and Thea and Tommy.

He could feel Sara moving her hands out from under his and hear her breath heavily. Yet, he did not dare look up. He wasn't sure he could handle her reaction to his confession. They sat in silence for a long time. Him staring at the floor, his arms still outstretched and his hands open, resting on his thigh, turned upwards ready to take hold of hers again, should she decide to move hers back into their former place. He listened to her harsh breathing and could make out the way she was flexing her hands regularly in the corner of his eyes. He got it, this was a lot to digest. He would give her as much time as she needed to come to grips with it all. She finally placed her hands into her lap right before she spoke.

"Ollie, I know you spared Malcolm because he is Tommy's dad and you feel Tommy wouldn't want you to kill him... but... Ollie, Tommy would never have stood for this. He would've never been even remotely okay with Malcolm using Thea for his own agenda. Tommy would've not stood for his dad turning Speedy, his sister, the kindest person we've ever known into a killer. Drugging her and forcing her to kill me. Tommy would not have stood for that. He would've been horrified... maybe he still wouldn't have wanted you to kill his father, simply because he seems to have been against killing in general, as many people are, as we used to be before we learnt how the world really works... but he would not want Malcolm to be running around free. Putting all of us in danger. Tommy loved you as much as you loved him, Ollie. He loved you more than he did his dad. And he wouldn't want you, or Speedy, or William, or Mila and me to be in constant danger of Malcolm coming after us again. Using your love for Tommy and your sense of loyalty to your best friend against you. Malcolm knows you, Ollie. He knows you better than most. And that is what makes him so very dangerous to you. Malcolm understands how much Tommy meant to you, how much Thea means to you, and he will use it against you every chance he gets." Oliver knew that his Pretty Bird was right. And everything she said made a lot of sense. But still… Tommy had called him a murderer. And he had been. He was. Could he really go back, go back and be the person he was when he had first come home? Could he put killing on the table again, and not just as a very last-ditch resort? He looked at Sara. Strong, beautiful, kind, brave and very pregnant Sara. His eyes moved from her face to her stomach. To Mila, their innocent baby girl, their unborn daughter.

How could he not?

How could he not put killing on the table again when his innocent, helpless baby girl's life was on the line? When her future and the choice of what her home was going to be like was in his hands and the hands of the people trying to destroy their home and their lives. He had come home to right his family's wrongs, to remove the cancer that was destroying his city, to make it a better, safer place to live in. And he had made a difference… once… now everything seemed to be even worse than it was when he had first started his crusade. How could he not put killing on the table again if the city would only fall deeper into corruption, violence and crime if he didn't? How could he let his daughter grow up in a dangerous, crime infected place like this?

There was nothing he wouldn't do for Sara. There hadn't been in years. And he knew he would go even further for Mila. He would risk even more for his daughter than his wife. Because in the end, Sara was very capable of taking care of herself. Mila would be fully dependent on them for her safety and survival for years to come.

He loved Tommy.

So much, and he missed him every single day. And there was nothing he wanted to do more than honor his best friend's memory… but the no killing rule he had enforced on himself after Felicity and Dig dragged him back from Lian Yu and forced him back under the hood was not getting him anywhere. It was not improving Star City.

Almost the opposite, really.

He had made a difference that first year back, because the criminals had feared him, they had feared his wrath and they had feared his deadly arrows. But now… they may still fear his wrath and the possible consequences, but they no longer feared his arrows because they knew that those were not deadly. They did not threaten their lives any longer. They knew he had gone soft. And that fact led to Star City being worse off now than it had been five years ago.

It surprised him when Sara continued after a brief pause, as if she had been contemplating something, taking hold of his hands again before speaking.

"Ollie, Tommy might have been against you killing people, especially his father, but you know what? I'm pretty sure he'd let you make an exception after what Malcolm has done now. Believe me, even Tommy would've wanted Malcolm's blood for putting your son, his nephew, in danger. He would not want to risk Malcolm getting a hold of Mila either. Tommy was a good man, with a good heart, but even he would've understood you killing his father in order to protect your children. His nephew and niece." Her voice was soft but there was so much conviction in it, she was so sure of what she was saying… maybe she was right, she had known Tommy almost as well as he did.

He tried to imagine how Tommy might have reacted when learning what his father had done in the last three years. And he was sure that Sara was right, he'd be horrified, but enough so to tolerate his best friend killing his father?

Did it really matter in the end?

He wanted to honor Tommy, but he needed to find another way to do that. Not killing was not the answer. It was no longer even an option, not when Mila's life was on the line. And her life was always on the line. Because she was his and Sara's daughter. And she deserved better as a home. She deserved a city that was not ruled by criminals, infected by a deadly growing cancer, but healthy with people helping each other out. Like they used to back when he was a child.

Oliver was also sure of one thing, if Malcolm dared to come within breathing distance of his family again, it would be the last thing he would ever do. He had lost Sara twice because of Malcolm. He wasn't going to risk there being a third time. William had been put in harm's way because of his best friend's father. He had already lost one child because of Malcolm; he wasn't going to lose another one. Malcolm was a dead man if he decided to show his face in his city again. Thea could hate him for the rest of his life if she chose to, but he wasn't ever going to let Malcolm hurt any member of his family again. He should've killed him when he had the chance. He should've never let it come this far.

Had he done that right after Sara's death, William might have never been put in danger. He might have never had to give up his firstborn. His children may have had a chance of knowing each other if not grow up together.

"Yesterday, after I left Laurel's… I meant to come home, but I somehow ended up at the graveyard, in front of Tommy's grave. Talking to Laurel, explaining to her how you and I came to be, it made me remember Tommy. Especially after Laurel asked if Tommy had known about our involvement. You know what it made me think of?" He tried to explain to her what had happened last night. Tried to make her understand why everything had played out the way it had. He looked at her almost challengingly, wondering if she'd figure it out given the hints he had provided her with, feeling slightly amused, letting himself remember the event… god, they had been so young, so carefree and unburdened. He let go of her hands to scratch his neck and take a sip of his coffee, waiting for her to answer.

Sara raised one of her eyebrows in question, there was a slight, amused smile gracing her lips.

"Spring Break?" She wondered and grinned, reminding him of the old Sara, the Sara that had dropped her clothes in front of Tommy and him in order to get what she wanted. And who were they to refuse a determined, naked, very sexy Sara Lance?

"Spring Break." He confirmed. They looked at each other in amusement, reminiscing together for a moment. That had been one hell of a trip, both the trip itself and the one the drugs and alcohol had provided. Both their smiles turned bitter after a couple of minutes and eventually slipped from their faces altogether.

"Kneeling in front of Tommy's grave I couldn't help but remember… a few weeks after I've come home Tommy sought me out. He looked all serious and nervous and I knew… I just knew why he had come. What he wanted. And I was tempted to make up some lame excuse, say whatever would give me a reason to leave and not have that conversation. But I knew he wouldn't let up. He'd just be back… until I would finally relent and let him ask what he wanted to, what he had come to ask." He took a deep breath, looking into space for a moment to gather his thoughts, to recall that moment in time, before turning his eyes back to his wife, who was patiently waiting for him to continue, not rushing or interrupting him, just sitting there quietly waiting for him to be ready to go on. Like she had been for most of their conversation, or more accurately, his confessions.

God, he loved her so much.

"So, we went up to my room, for privacy and I was ready, ready for whatever he would throw at me for whatever accusations he would make and I knew he would be right with whatever he would say and that I deserved all the anger and hate and whatever other emotions he wanted to throw at me because you were dead, because of me. He had lost you, because of me. Because I was too proud to listen to you, because I had to… if I had kept my promise to you, if I had made you get off the freighter, if I would've gone with you like you asked me to… you wouldn't have died. We wouldn't have lost you." He stopped again, taking her hands into his again, moving them up to his lips for a moment, kissing her knuckles softly before moving them into her lap again, still having his wrapped around hers, making sure that she was here, that she was really here, alive and well, while his mind replayed that awful moment, that horrifying moment when Slade had thrown her away, batted at her as if she were a mere fly, an annoyance to get rid of instead of a human being, his childhood friend, his partner in crime, his heart. And the water taking her, ripping her away from him, yet again, just like it had done that night when the Gambit went down, and he had been too slow to reach her, yet again, and he had lost her again. He wet his dry lips with his tongue and swallowed hard. Remembering… he tried to refocus on his original train of thought and the memory that came with it to get back to their conversation.

All the while Sara had just been sitting there in silence, turning her small hands inside his so she could interlock their fingers. Letting him gather his thoughts and giving him whatever time he needed in order to proceed. It was a trait of hers that he had always appreciated, even more so over the last couple of years. He had only understood just how important it was and how much he cherished it and it meant to him when he had no longer had it. When all he had had were people that kept on pushing and pushing and requesting more and more answers and never giving him the time or space to gather his thoughts in order to give them the answer they were demanding.

Never understanding just how difficult it was to talk about so many of the events in his life. And how it was almost impossible to find the right words to explain or just try to make them understand… how did one explain all the pain, trauma and horrors he had had to endure, and seen and inflicted himself? Or how his mind would take him back… no matter how hard he tried to repress, to not go back there. Talking about the events always made him relive them. People just asking about certain moments in time took him right back there… and they didn't understand how scary it was to be trapped in your own mind, not being able to control your thoughts, how difficult it was to push against the torrent of emotions and pain that accompanied any question regarding his past. He squeezed Sara's hands in a silent thank you before focusing on their conversation about Tommy again.

"You know what the first thing was that came out of his mouth?" The question was purely rhetorical, and Sara seemed to be aware of it and he had to smile in bitter irony about Tommy's words:

"Why didn't you guys tell me? Didn't you guys trust me? You know I wouldn't have told anyone." Oliver chuckled bitterly.

"I was so worried that he would blame me for your death and rightfully so, that he would hate me for letting you die, for not saving you when I should have. And the thing he was actually angry about and he wanted to get answers for was why we hadn't told him about the affair, why we hadn't trusted him with our secret." It was still hard for him to grasp. That the thing Tommy had been angry about was his belief that he and Sara hadn't trusted him enough to let him know about their involvement. That they had kept their affair from him. Tommy had been so insulted and hurt about the two of them lying to him.

Yet, Tommy had never once blamed him for Sara's death.

Even when he had told him it had been his fault, that he hadn't been able to save her, that he should've saved her. Tommy had told him he was wrong and that it hadn't been his fault. That he knew that he had done everything in his power to try to save their friend. God, his best friend had had so much faith and belief in him. At least until he had found out that he was the 'Hood'. He swallowed hard.

He missed Tommy so very much!

Notes:

As always let me know what you think.

I hope Oliver's thoughts make sense and I managed to get him right. He has issues... lol. But we all know that.

Quick question: Should I include the whole Helix plot or just leave it out? I'd have to look it up, I just know the basics about it. Let me know if you think it's important and should be addressed or if I should just ignore it…. I mean there will be a lot of changes to season five obviously, , and I know the overall changes I want to make and where I'm going with it all but I'm still working it all out in detail, so let me know what you think about the whole Helix thing… I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

The Chapter title is from the songs "No Response" and "I cannot be nice" by Tom MacDonald.