Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. I simply play in their world.
"And in the silence
I suddenly understood
the many ways a person can die
but still be alive."
-Carmen Rodrigues
Kylo Ren
I haven't breached the planet's atmosphere just yet. I hover in orbit despite the fact that I can feel her pulling on my senses.
I'm here and I shouldn't be hesitating like this. I know what I need to do and still...
I close my eyes and drown in a barrage of memories.
...she's nothing more than a girl. Frightened and alone but refusing to back down. I could have ended her life a dozen times by now but I haven't...
...should wake her, get the information I need and be on my way...but she's so peaceful, the acrid tang of fear missing...she will wake on her own...until then I will watch her...wondering what she dreams...
...my grandfather's lightsaber flying past me and into the hands of the girl who calls herself Rey and I feel a pull towards her that is almost magnetic...
...she and I are one and the same...
"You need a teacher!" I can feel her so clearly, pain and confusion, an overwhelming fear that I too have experienced and I don't want to destroy her...I want to save her...
...hot blood pouring out as I crash into the snow, the stench of my own cauterized skin making my stomach churn as she stands over me with a look of horror in her eyes...
...throbbing pain...my face and body covered in bandages...a sense of being watched...
"Can you see me?"
She stands there, confusion and anger burning in vivid amber and again I am overwhelmed by utter fascination for this woman...
"All I see is...you."
...she's speaking to me as I cover the wound Chewbacca gave me. I am not in the mood to deal with her apathy...
...her voice falters and I turn in time to see her averted gaze, a curious stain of crimson across her cheekbones...
...she's reaching out her hand...fingers trembling and her scent fills my head...sunlight and a lush flower, haunting and evocative...
...she's coming to me and I wonder if she isn't my true test of where I stand in the Force...
"...feel the conflict in you..."
Rich amber gazing up at me with such earnest light I am curious if she realizes how much of my conflict is because of her...
...a catch in her breath, eyes widening as I close the distance and wonder what her mouth would feel like beneath mine...
...rage burning in my gut, a hatred that I can barely contain as Rey screams, Snoke violating her mind...
"Ben..."
I look down into her pleading eyes...not for herself but for me and my path has never been clearer...I know where I stand...
...she looks at me, I see myself reflected in amber just as the Praetorian move in for the kill and we move as one...
"...Please..."
...can't let go of the lightsaber...she'll leave me if I let her have it...
...white noise as I'm thrown off my feet by the force of the explosion and my world turns to darkness...
...Rey...don't leave...
"...please don't be dead..." a muted voices that whispers agonizing words but I can't respond, my senses distorted...
"...we have no leader!"
I grip Hux by the throat, my rage needing an outlet...she's gone but I will not let her escape me...
...golden dice in my hands...a keening loss I cannot explain...
...she's looking at me...not with anger or hatred...but with sorrowful regret and I want to beg her not to leave me...but it's too late and she's gone...
"Supreme Leader there is a situation. Respond."
I snap my eyes open as the transmission filters through my cockpit.
Admiral Griss. I have him stationed above Kijimi to monitor the rogue planet. They are aligned with neither side and therefore unpredictable in this war for the galaxy.
"Explain."
"Intercepted subspace messages coming from Pasaana. A person known as the Hermit has been in contact with a mercenary named Zorii Bliss."
"Why is this a concern Admiral?"
"She's been thwarting our attempts to maintain control over Kijimi City. Several of our spies have confirmed seeing Resistance, disguised as spice runners, slipping in and out of the city."
So the Resistance was making one, final attempt to gain allies on the eve of battle.
Kijimi City was a lawless state. Filled with nothing but thieves and criminals who only cared about their own survival.
My mother must be losing her touch if she thinks she can rally them to her cause.
"It's nothing but a diversion. Deal with it Admiral."
"Sir I believe this to be more-"
"I said deal with it. I have no time for such petty interruptions."
I switch off the transmission before he can finish. If Griss cannot handle a single planet of dissidence then perhaps it's time for a new Admiral to be appointed.
Something to think about after the war is won.
The war...
Why am I feeling this way? I am on the cusp of winning, to finally having everything that I desire at my fingertips and yet...
I will soon be emperor, the galaxy unified under one banner and the Resistance nothing more than a footnote in history.
So why am I hesitating?
This is what I wanted.
It has to be. There is nothing left for me otherwise.
My feelings for Rey...they were not real.
The empire I will create, the lasting peace I will maintain, that is real.
Everything else was an illusion from the start.
I close my eyes and give myself a moment of pause.
To breathe.
"Ben," her lilting voice calling for me and I lift my head, a languid heat diffusing my veins, "I love you."
Fingers stroking my face, amber drowsy with love and this is where I belong.
I have finally found my home in her arms.
"I know," I press a kiss to her fingers and when she laughs it is the music of my soul, "I love you too."
I snap my eyes open, gripping my chest as pain rips open the scars she left, a bloody wound that I cannot heal.
I have not heard words of love from her since she left me on Emphameira.
"Damn you," I whisper as I stare at the ocean gray planet, "damn you and your false promises."
I gave her everything that I was, offered her my heart and my love on a silver platter and for her...it was nothing more than a momentary diversion.
To cripple me with indecision as she drove the knife of betrayal straight between my ribs.
No more. No more.
I set course for the planet. There is no more time for hesitation.
If I cannot have love then I will have destruction.
It is, after all, the only thing I have ever been good at.