Reckless Surrender :: Chapter Forty Four

Hope gingerly sank into a bathtub full of steaming hot water. The scent of lavender and jasmine drifted throughout the bathroom. Candles flickered, sending a warm glow dancing across the dark walls. She exhaled slowly. The room was silent. She finally felt her muscles begin to relax for the first time in 36 hours.

Peace. She finally felt a semblance of peace sinking into her life. Her shoulder, although sore from another gunshot to the vest, was almost as good as new. She didn't mind going to physical therapy. She was no longer afraid of Aiden. She'd confronted her demons very publicly and didn't regret it for a second. Carly's presence had been erased from the walls of her house. She finally felt at home. She gently rubbed her temples and sighed. She'd been through a lot in a short amount of time. She was a survivor, and today she'd proved to herself that she was still a good cop.

As her mind sorted through her day and the closing of the case, a light tap on the door drew her attention away from her quiet oasis.

"Come in," She called softly. She rubbed her shoulder again. Her eyes softened when she saw Bo stick his head in. He looked exhausted, but handsome as ever.

"Hey," Bo greeted. His voice was quiet. She sensed something bigger behind his visit than just a kiss goodnight. It was late. They were both tired.

"Hey," Hope replied, "I thought you'd be in bed by now."

He shook his head gently and leaned against the door frame. She couldn't read him very well. She half thought he looked discouraged. He should be anything but discouraged. They had just blew a huge case wide open, which would soon launch a subsequent federal investigation.

"What's wrong?" Hope questioned. She suddenly felt vulnerable in her hot bath. She drew her knees to her bare chest.

Bo was silent for a moment. He looked at her with so much love, "I'm really proud of you. You were more than a great cop today. You were a great partner. You saved my life."

"Bo," Hope stared at him flabbergasted. She fumbled for words, "I… Of course I did… Why wouldn't I? We're partners. It's my job."

Bo's eyes darkened. Hope didn't miss it even though the room was only lit by the glow of flickering candles.

She rambled on, afraid she was saying the wrong things, "Bo, no matter what we always have each other's back. It's more than a job. I don't care if we're together or not. I would do the same thing every time."

She watched his eyes soften again, but now they glistened with unshed tears.

"You know I would do the same for you," Bo replied. He watched her quietly from the doorframe.

"Yes," Hope nodded, "I trust you with my life. I always have."

Bo swallowed once, "Then trust me with your heart."

Hope stared at him. He was hurting. Confusion washed over her, "I do. Brady, where is this coming from?"

Bo finally entered the room. Hope felt the tension rise as he slowly approached her and knelt on both knees at the side of the bathtub. He reached into the water and grabbed her hand.

"I watched you get shot again tonight," Bo spoke carefully. He battled for control over his emotions, "I want to marry you Hope. Our job makes it possible for me to lose you at any given second. I'm trying to be patient… but if I'm being honest it makes me feel insecure."

Hope realized for the first time how much she'd been hurting him through the process of keeping him at a comfortable length away. She almost felt helpless.

"Bo," Hope sighed, she squeezed his hand in reassurance, "I love you. There's nothing to be insecure about."

Bo shook his head, "When you're not married to me, you can leave me anytime. Our job isn't the only thing that can take you from me."

Hope's mind raced. Her head spun. She was in no way prepared for this conversation. She wanted so badly to say she'd marry him right now, but she wasn't ready. She felt her throat tighten. Guilt washed over her. Her voice cracked when she spoke, "Bo… I'm not ready."

He felt his heart sink. He attempted to prepare himself for this moment before he ever entered the bathroom. Preparation didn't help. His breathing was shallow. He felt wounded. He nodded once, unable to make eye contact with her. He forced his legs to stand.

"Brady…" Hope reached for him. Water spilled out of the bathtub with her sudden movement, "Bo, wait. Please."

"I'm going to bed." Bo managed. He walked out of the bathroom with purpose. He needed the space. He loved her so much it hurt. He wanted more. He wanted to go back to the way things were. He was tired of being haunted by his mistakes. They had made so much progress since they made the decision to get back together, but when push came to shove, it still wasn't enough. His heart ached. His body ached. Exhaustion seeped into his bones. He couldn't be frustrated. He was sad. It had taken courage for him to be honest with her. He was a proud man. Stubborn. He didn't like feeling insecure. It nagged at him every day. Confessing it to her was growth. He exhaled.

Tomorrow was another day. This wasn't the end. He would change her mind. She would let her guard down. He fell into a restless sleep where he dreamed of the days they were reckless.