TW: descriptions of physical pain and injuries within the first half of the chapter.
xXx
Bess landed in darkness.
She turned around and around as she tried to focus on something, anything, but she could only see the black walls and, if she really squinted, a hint of a stone floor.
She cursed the fact that her visions were always so blurry as she tried to adjust her to her surroundings. Finally, after what felt like an age, she saw a door open, and a figure stumbled out of a barely lit room. As the door closed behind them, they slumped against a wall in front of her and slid down it with a whine of pain. Bess instinctively jumped back and clasped her hand over her mouth. It took her a moment to remember that she was invisible. When she did, she moved forward and crouched down next to the figure.
"Oh my god," she whispered as she took in the mass of brown curls, brown skin, blood flushed cheeks, large brown eyes, deep green wrap dress, and chunky white trainers which were stained with fresh red blood.
As she continued to focus on the woman in front of her, she recoiled slightly as future-Bess - Elizabeth, she decided to call her as she tried to disassociate from what she was seeing - groaned again and grimaced as she pushed her left hand against her side. It looked as though she'd ripped up her jean jacket, and was using it to try and put pressure on her side - that was there the blood was coming from.
Bess watched as Elizabeth removed the material and waved a wand, but not her wand, over the wound as she sang an incantation, healing it slightly, but not enough. Elizabeth cried out and threw the wand down, and Bess could tell she was upset and angry that the magic was too weak to heal her completely. Elizabeth paused for a moment before she picked up the wand again, held the material to her side, and stood shakily. She began to move along the hallway in the darkness, using the wall to help guide and steady herself.
They walked for less than a minute before they came to two doors.
Both unidentifiable in the dark, Bess was powerless to help as Elizabeth had to make a decision. She was talking to herself, but Bess couldn't hear what she was saying. Elizabeth chose the left door, and opened it a crack to check what was behind it, before she swung it open to reveal a large expanse of lawn, and in the distance, Bess could just about make out what looked like trees.
She watched as Elizabeth took in a deep breath before she began to walk, then hobble, then run as fast as she could given her injury. It looked like every step brought her immense pain though it seemed that this version of herself had taken Jasper's advice and become a runner - she was fitter than Bess, even with such a deep wound.
As they reached the cover of the trees, they heard a snarl behind them - the first thing Bess had ever managed to hear within a vision - and they turned in unison to see a large figure bursting from the door they'd run out of. It was gigantic, larger than a man, but hunched over as it ran. Even with her blurry eyesight, Bess recognised it immediately as a werewolf, and hoped against hope that it wasn't Remus.
They began to run again, and Bess could hear the snarls behind them getting faster and faster, closer and closer, until finally, they passed through a warded area and the snarls lessened.
Even though it was a vision, Bess could feel the magic around them as they burst through a line of trees.
She watched as Elizabeth flung out her right arm, wrapped it around a tree trunk, and used it to propel herself to the right without stopping her run. Her scream of pain echoed through the silent night as she slowed for just a moment and clutched her side, before she ramped up her pace again.
Bess followed her and heard the snarling behind them get even closer.
She gasped as she watched her future self stumble and fall, slamming into the ground. She ran over to Elizabeth and crouched beside her, watching her mouth move.
"God no. Please," Elizabeth sobbed as she flung herself onto her back.
She looked as though she couldn't move anymore - the pain which she'd been running through caught up with her and she gasped, wide eyed, staring up at the night sky, searching for something.
When she found it, she relaxed and Bess read her lips as she said, "Sirius, I'm sorry. I love you."
The snarling stopped and was replaced with a piercing howl which echoed into the night.
Bess, eyes filled with tears, turned to see the werewolf stalking closer, teeth bared.
She reached out a hand and held it above her future self's shoulder. Bess couldn't touch Elizabeth properly, and she couldn't help her, but she thought that maybe, just maybe, when all of this came true she wouldn't feel so alone, knowing that she'd been there in the past.
"I'm so sorry," Bess whispered as the werewolf reached them, and placed a clawed paw on Elizabeth's leg, causing her to scream out in pain as they heard a sickening crunch and her leg bowed to the pressure of the giant creature's weight.
Bess heard a loud, angry growl behind them, but before she could turn around, she felt the familiar pull in the back of her head, and felt herself being yanked back to reality.
xXx
As she came to, she could hear Sirius muttering in her ear as she pushed against his arms and threw her head back over his shoulder as she tried to claw at her skin and her head again. He was holding her tightly, his arms vice-like in their grip now as he tried to calm her.
The voices around her were frantic, calling out to each other, but her eyes were screwed shut so she couldn't see them.
"Stupefy her," Sirius groaned as he held her.
"But she said-" James began.
They'd talked about this after her last vision, and they'd promised her that next time they wouldn't knock her out. They'd agreed that it would be hard, but she'd begged them not to. Last time it had taken her ages to get better, and she wanted to try going through the pain to see if it would mean a shorter recovery time. Especially during the school term, she'd thought it was a trade off she was willing to make to ensure that no one found out about her visions.
Bess shook her head violently, and heard a thump as her forehead connected with Sirius'. He winced and swore, but she continued to shake her head, trying to turn her silent screams into no's. She could feel something trickling down her face and tried to swipe it away, but Sirius' arms kept her hands down.
"Pads, she doesn't-" Remus tried.
"You have to!" Sirius cried. "I can't hold her, and we need to get her to the Hospital Wing!"
"Sirius. She said she didn't want that, and she's shaking her head! We can't do it! We can just patch her up here, can't we?" Lily asked, and Bess could hear in her voice that she was crying.
"Fine! I'll do it!" Sirius shouted, before he whispered in her ear, "love, forgive me. Please. I promise, I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to."
She felt herself being released, and she arched her back against the floor.
Suddenly, everything went black once more.
xXx
Bess groaned as she opened her eyes and tried to focus on her new surroundings. The room was quiet and lit only by the early morning light coming through the large windows across the room. She recognised it instantly as the Hospital Wing and sighed in relief. That, she thought, explained why she hadn't woken up in pain again.
She could still feel a dull ache in the front of her head, and reached up a hand to touch her forehead. Instead of skin, she felt a bandage. Frowning, she groaned again as she sat up slowly and reached over to the bedside table for a glass of water.
As she sipped her drink she thought about the vision, and wondered when it would come true. She thought it might be soon, as she hadn't looked that much older than she was now, but that was a rather terrifying thought and it spiked her anxiety and fear. She could feel herself beginning to panic, and gasped in a few breaths as she tried and distract herself.
With shaking hands, she pulled open the cabinet drawer and rummaged around until she found her school bag, and pulled out her golden notebook, a few textbooks, and her wand. She'd continued to write down everything that she could remember in her notebook, and it had become her holy grail of sorts as she tried to navigate her way through the world.
She placed her wand on her lap, the textbooks on her bedside table, and quickly skipped to the last few pages of her notebook. When Remus had told her that his mum was Welsh and had taught him a lot of the language, Bess had asked him to teach her certain words which she could drop into conversation. She scanned down the entries and smiled:
Gwdihw, 'goo dee who' - Owl
Bwci bo – 'boo key bore' - Ghost
Cwtch – 'coo ch' – hug
Paned o goffi - 'pan ed oo go-fee' - cup of coffee
The list went on. After a while, she found what she was looking for, and began to try to say the words in the right way, focusing on the pronunciation, rather than her own future. It helped somewhat, but still took a while for her brain to subside some of its panic. She felt sure that the werewolf she had seen wasn't Remus. She hadn't tried to reason with him, hadn't asked him to remember her, so it couldn't have been her sandy haired friend.
Over an hour after she woke up, Madam Pomfrey came round to check on her. The kindly matron explained that she'd been in the Hospital Wing for three days due to a nasty knock to the head and had been out cold the entire time. Her injuries were almost completely healed, but the matron wanted to keep her bandage on for another few hours to keep the anti-bruise lotion in place.
She then asked if Bess remembered anything, but Bess just swallowed down her nausea and shook her head. Pomfrey pursed her lips in disbelief but didn't say anything. Noticing Bess' shakes, raised blood pressure and racing heartbeat, she offered her a calming draught, but Bess refused. She could feel that she was on the edge of an anxiety attack, but she didn't want to feel the side effects of the potion.
Madam Pomfrey left Bess with instructions to take it easy and not bother moving from the bed unless to go to the loo, and as much as she didn't want to be there, Bess couldn't disagree with the matron. Her head injury took precedence over her want to get back to her social and academic life.
So instead of sneaking out of the ward to find Sirius, she tore a page out of her notebook and scribbled a note saying that she was awake and that they needed to talk, roughly folded it into a little plane, and sent it off towards her boyfriend.
She sighed as she leant back against her pillows and continued to try and get her pronunciation correct as, she was sure, Sirius would be visiting soon. She didn't want to think about the fact that he'd gone against her wishes and stupefied her, but having found out about her head injury, she agreed it was probably the best thing to do in the situation.
Bess spent another hour repeating her new Welsh phrase before the boys turned up, all dressed in Muggle attire - Remus in his staple cardigan and trousers, James in a jumper and jeans, and Sirius in another band t-shirt, jacket and black jeans.
She tried to push down her now social anxiety-induced panic, which had begun to rise in her as she realised Sirius wasn't alone and sat up straighter as they approached.
She looked straight into James' eyes and said, "Kerr ee gra foo," with a forced but proud smile.
"Are you trying to say cer i grafu?" Remus asked with a small laugh as he sat down in one of the chairs around Bess.
"Yes!" Bess beamed.
Remus turned to James and said, "She's trying to tell you to bugger off in Welsh."
"What? Why?" James asked with an odd look on his face.
"Because... Sirius would take it the wrong way, and Remus is like a cuddly teddy bear. You can't tell him to bugger off," Bess reasoned as she reached out towards Sirius, who was standing to the side, hands in his pockets. He looked pale and tired, just as he had last time she was in the Hospital Wing. He shook his head and looked at the ground, and Bess dropped her arms and frowned, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat at his rejection. "Sorry, thought you'd find it funny."
James put his hands in his pockets, mirroring Sirius' stance, and coughed lightly. "Uh- so how're you feeling?"
Bess continued to focus her gaze on Sirius, who still hadn't met her gaze, as she answered James, "Better."
Sirius made a noise, and James took a deep breath in. "Bess... uh- we've been talking... uh- look, we pushed you to tell us more, and you ended up in the Hospital Wing with a busted head... and... and that's not good..."
Remus leant forwards, bracing his elbows and forearms on his knees. "We think it would be best if we took a step back for a couple of weeks. You deserve to be happy, and if-"
Her mind, which was full of jumbled and panicked thoughts, immediately jumped to conclusions. "What, are you collectively breaking up with me or something?" she asked with a disbelieving laugh, tearing her gaze away from Sirius as she turned to Remus. All she could think was that Sirius was breaking up with her, and using his best friend to do it.
Remus sighed and shook his head. "No. We're just... we've had a chat and we need to... I guess take a break and give you some breathing room from our questions... We know how hard this has been on you, and now we can't even respect your wishes-"
A break up. Of course. Of fucking course. They don't think I'm worth it. Of course they don't, she thought bitterly as Remus continued to speak but his words didn't sink in. Suddenly, the voice in her head switched to that of her father, and she could hear him saying, Why would they stick around? You just had another vision - you can't get them under control. You're a liability. A loser. A failure. The voice switched back to her own and asked, What does it even matter, you're going to die soon anyway.
"-we're too invested in the future at the moment, and we don't think it's worth hurting you, when you should be-" Remus continued.
She wiped her hand down her face as Remus' sentence bounced around her mind and warped into, "You're too invested. We can't see a future with you in it. We don't think you're worth it."
After a moment, she threw her head back and laughed as she slumped against her pillows. "Harry fucking Potter speaks to snakes and has Voldemort in his head and I'm the weirdo," she whispered at the ceiling as she giggled in disbelief.
"What?" James asked in a confused tone.
"Nothing," Bess replied. She took a deep breath in, her expression hardening to hide her pain and upset as her heart pounded uncomfortably in her chest, and sat up again. "No need to continue, I get it. You can leave now," she said tonelessly as she placed her golden notebook on her bedside table and picked up her copy of Common Magical Ailments and Afflictions.
"Bess...?" Remus said in an odd tone as he frowned at her change in posture and attitude, which she knew was reminiscent of Sirius' back in September when she'd stood up to him an he'd thought she was saying he was just like his family.
We're more similar than people think, Bess thought bitterly as she closed down her emotions and pulled up her mental walls.
"No." Bess held up a hand and shook her head. "It's fine." I'm used to people thinking I'm not worth a damn, she thought, but didn't say out loud. "Please just leave."
Finally, Sirius spoke. His voice tinged with barely contained pain, he called, "Love-!"
"No. You don't get to call me that anymore. You couldn't even look at me until two seconds ago," Bess said in an emotionless tone as she raised her hand, palm outwards. After a moment, she flexed her fingers as she dropped her hand, sighed deeply, and returned to her book.
Sirius spoke again, this time in a confused tone. "What? Of course I couldn't! You're in here because I didn't catch you! And- and then I stupefied- wait. Why can't I call you love anymore?" he paused, and then Bess heard a sharp intake of breath. "Fuck! Bess, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to, but I had to. You understand that, right?" He paused again, and when she didn't look up, or reply, he continued, "wait, I know what you're doing. Please don't shut me out."
Bess shook her head and laughed bitterly. "No. It's fine. It's too hard for you all. Close ranks. Protect your own. I get it."
Sirius tried again. "What? No! Bess, please, just-"
"No." I understand completely. This isn't the first time someone's decided I was worthless. My dad did that when I was six. I survived. I'll survive you too. "Just leave me alone," she said coldly, and swallowed down a sob.
And then she stopped listening. As she turned the page of her book, she could hear the tones of Sirius, James and Remus' voices, but she tuned them out. She kept her expression vacant and uninterested as she stared at the words and focussed on each one, reading aloud in her head to drown out their voices as her heartbeat thumped in her ears and pulsed in her temples, and her heart threatened to break in two as it pounded against her ribcage.
She felt her hands tremble as she held her book, but managed to disguise her tremors by placing them underneath the hardback cover as she read. The large pages covered all the way from her fingers to her palms, and the heaviness of the book held her hands down.
She barely reacted as she felt the end of the bed jolt and heard Sirius shout before Madam Pomfrey stormed over and made him leave, admonishing him for kicking the furniture, saying there was no excuse, even if he was upset with his friends. When he'd gone, she could still hear Remus and James' voices as they tried to explain something to her, but she continued to block them out as she read.
She tried to keep her breathing to a slow pace, breathing in and out through her nose, but counting as she did - in for four, out for eight. Each time she tried, she fell short - in for two, out for five, in for three, out for two - but by the time she'd managed to get it right, she couldn't hear their voices anymore.
She kept reminding herself that she'd survived her parents. She'd spent years pretending she was fine at school, putting on a brave face, before she went home and put on her mask so that she could hide her true self away from her father. She could survive this. At least, she could survive this for the next few months until her vision came true. Then, none of this would matter anyway.
She remembered something she hadn't thought in a long time - you're already broken. What's one more crack?
She vanished most of her lunch and pretended she'd eaten it, when in reality she'd just eaten her dessert, and smiled sweetly at Madam Pomfrey as she asked for a sleeping draught, and requested that Sirius, James, Peter and Remus not be allowed in to see her again. She didn't think they'd want to see her, but she thought she should ask, just in case.
She downed the potion, placed the vial on her bedside table, and rolled onto her side. Pulling the covers up to her shoulders, she closed her eyes, and allowed the waves of emotional pain, and the recurring thoughts of the werewolf baring over her future self, to be washed away by the artificial tiredness coursing through her body.
xXx
A/N: I hope that was okay! I'll be posting the next chapter tomorrow, don't worry! I've just got some tweaks to make to it first.
These few chapters have taken me so long to do! I keep getting stuck because I wonder if this should all happen, but then Bess just keeps finding herself down a dark rabbit hole of emotion and I can't stop it!
Thank you to everyone reading, favouriting and following, and a massive thank you to my reviewers: HorseGirl16, CharlotteGryffindor, Ghost Claw 001, Guest - (sorry for another ending-too-soon chapter! It was getting to over 10k words so I've split it into three), and themugglepadme24 - (thank you for your support, lovely!)