DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from the Naruto universe but I do have an imagination of my own. PLEASE REVIEW! I will take advice on relationships you'd like to eventually see, as well as suggestions from my readers while continuing the story.

Thinking

Biju, etc. speaking

Biju, etc. thinking

Emphasis

A/N:

Yes, the title of this chapter refers to the Talking Heads song, Once in a Lifetime.
- "This is not my beautiful house!"
- "This is not my beautiful wife!"
- "...water flowing underground."

Naruto already had on her - or rather, Asuma's - smallest pair of trench knives and looked to her superiors to see if they agreed to let her blow the mist away so that their vision was cleared. Seeing them both nod silently, she quickly pushed wind chakra through the blades in front of her, then simply pulled them up and away from each other. Zabuza's mist was pushed out and was now far from him. Standing still with his giant blade on his shoulder, the man looked pissed off but relaxed, standing shirtless with bandages over the wound she apparently really had given him just to the right of his blade shield's strap. The man was pretty damn built...

"You need to get laid."

Naruto ignored Kurama but flushed a little. Truly, outside of the teeth she knew were covered under that mask, Zabuza was pretty hot. His comedy night at a gay bar fashion sense wasn't doing it for her, though.

"Wind user, eh? So annoying," Zabuza said as he looked away from her and scowled at Kakashi and Tenzo. Naruto's clones broke out all around him, ready to strike to defend her team. She and her clones all sunshinned once at the same time, trading places with one another as they had trained, to make the original Naruto harder to find. Each of them looked to be holding a cage with a white bunny inside.

Naruto was pretty sure she heard Kakashi sigh out loud. Crap: he's not happy with me. Zabuza was looking from Kakashi, then back to one of the clones closest to her, then glanced over to Tenzo, then back to the clone, and then to Kakashi again. Alright... Zabuza looked like he was trying to figure out something. She supposed that unleashing twenty shadow clones without hand signs was unusual, so that had to make him at least interested or wary. Yikes. Why else would he look at her, (or rather, at one of her clones two down from her?) Tenzo and Kakashi were his real threats right now. She was smart enough to know that she hadn't reached Jonin levels, let alone an elite level like they were.

The man didn't move. "Sharingan no Kakashi: the man with a thousand jutsu," Zabuza said darkly with his rumbling voice. "You have a large bounty in the Bingo Book." No one in her team replied or moved, and for a moment Naruto was surprised that Sasuke didn't start asking questions about where Kakashi got his Sharingan this time. "Woody Woodpecker: you've got a pretty hefty bounty, too. Not as much as Ninjutsu-san here, but fairly big nonetheless," he followed up with his head tilted, and what looked like might be a smile on his masked face. Kakashi had a bored look on his face, but Naruto wasn't fooled by it.

The whole situation was so damn tense and definitely made Naruto sweat.

Momentarily she thought that even though she couldn't see Tenzo as he was slightly behind her - Naru was sure the man was at least internally pouting at the name he was called. Either that, or he was beaming sunshine in adoration of her husband, his beloved senpai.

Where's Haku? He'd apparently not arrived yet, at least as far as Naruto could tell. While it was so strangely quiet, she glanced over to see that Sakura, Sasuke, and Sai had already moved into formation to protect Tazuna. She was really proud of all of them. All the extra training they had this time around was really going to help.

"Momochi Zabuza, missing-nin: the Demon of the Hidden Mist," Kakashi spoke in a deadly serious voice. Naruto noticed that some of her clones stupidly rolled their eyes a bit at that title. "A, bordering on S-rank rogue, formerly one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist."

"I'd say 'S-ranked' now Copy Ninja, although myself and my senpai are still members - the only true members - of our illustrious squad." He paused and actually leaned on his giant-ass sword before continuing. "A question: you were the apprentice of the Yellow Flash, correct?" Zabuza asked in a conversational tone. Kakashi's chakra flared even before he lifted his headband. He didn't answer but Zabuza was definitely smirking. "Hmm, already bringing out the Sharingan. I suppose I'd say I'm honored, but…"

"We'll be taking you into custody unless you want to lose your head, Momochi," Tenzo interrupted.

"Is that so, Wood Pecker? What if I don't want to fight?"

Naruto - and she wouldn't doubt other's eyes might have, too - widened in shock. Even Kurama seemed to feel a bit more alert in the back of her mind. What? No eyes, liver, spleen stuff?

She felt a chill begin to filter through her coils from the Southeast and knew that Haku must be coming: most likely sunshinning in. She held up four fingers as discreetly as possible, and her clones all turned a bit in different directions. Naru herself kept an eye on her team as much as possible, while slightly facing - yep, there you are Haku-kun! He was concealing his chakra exceedingly well on the nearest tree limb, but Naruto wasn't a normal sensor: she found him. She nearly grinned - rather maliciously - at that.

"Who said we'd give you a choice?" Kakashi asked gravely. He began to list Zabuza's crimes to give his squad time, which only seemed to amuse the rogue. Oh, Kakashi knew that he and Tenzo could handle this guy, but he had a really bad feeling. It was cold and dangerous and began flooding through him when this trash asked about Minato-sensei. He concentrated on the battle to come, not allowing himself to worry that Zabuza had somehow recognized that his wife looked so much like the man - and that was why the rogue was asking about his mentor so smoothly.

"I had planned to take the bridge builder, but maybe he's not worth it. A man named Gato hired me to take him out," Zabuza said.

Naruto was flipping out internally. She couldn't believe the not-demon of the Mist just casually let out that information!

Whatever Tenzo had started to say was cut off by Zabuza.

"No need, no need," Zabuza shrugged his shoulders as if he was bored, but Naruto felt the pressure of his KI build, even as he sheathed his giant-ass sword. Sword or not, she'd seen the man's latest Bingo Book entry, and his hands were dangerous: his nin and taijutsu skills were S and A-ranked respectively. Not to mention Haku in the background, aiding him.

Sasuke must have been having trouble with the Killing Intent, because Kakashi reassured him, just like in her previous timeline, that he'd protect them all with his life. Zabuza lazily pointed at Kakashi, then pointed with two fingers at Tenzo, and then pointed his thumb at the clone next to her - although he didn't seem to be too sure about whether he got the right blonde. He then made a fist before finally putting his hand back in position to prepare a jutsu.

"Not many wind users in Fire," Zabuza began cockily, "and only one that I know of that uses trench knives. Interesting that there have only been two from the Leaf with a primary wind affinity in the last 20 years, ne Kakashi?"

Kakashi flew at the man and they were immediately engaged in an incredible battle of both nin and taijutsu. Water spikes and occasional whirlpools were turning up all over the water, and Kakashi was already using his Sharingan to copy the man's attacks as fast as Zabuza prepared his jutsus, before they would reengage in absolutely glorious taijutsu for a moment or so. Then they'd each go back to ninjutsu.

Tenzo was moving, sliding into and around the water trying repeatedly to avoid jutsus and get into the battle. Can't hit senpai. Damnit! Zabuza and Kakashi were moving so fast, he could barely see them.

Points of roots began gathering around the men. As soon as Kakashi would even begin to use a lightning jutsu, Zabuza would jump to avoid it placing his hand in the water with a yell from being shocked a bit, as it looked like he was still trying to put Kakashi in a water prison. But the rogue's efforts were no good! Tenzo was there within a second, driving Zabuza back. Zabuza re-engaged the men with his ninjutsu and managed to simultaneously kick Tenzo back viciously.

Naruto tried to get over her shock at how everything had happened so fast, and how hard the three men were fighting, her heart beating wildly. Where can I get in to assist?! She looked for an opportunity and was finally able to blast away mist again, then all she could do was watch a fucking amazing battle between two elite nins while Tenzo was back trying to assist Kakashi before she felt it: incoming ice!

She moved just before she was hit with several senbon. Haku was attacking her - the REAL her - as well as popping clones everywhere. God Damn! How the hell can he throw so many… Oh. He wasn't throwing real senbon at all! Haku was both throwing and geez, does he have ice senbon just coming from his body?! Naruto could only guess that it was the case, impossible as it seemed, because aside from fighting her, ice senbon things were also headed in the main battle's direction, and even occasionally towards the rest of her team.

She couldn't advance on him! She was mainly trying not to get hit - and her wind jutsus? It was almost like they were being frozen before hitting him, particularly the ones she added water to. Those she found didn't work at all! Haku wasn't giving her any openings, which really pissed the blonde off - both at herself for apparently not training hard enough, and at Haku for being a damn bitch!

Clones popping like crazy, she received the knowledge that Haku had a fucking clone fighting the rest of her team. Sai, especially, was doing a good job in not allowing his team and Tazuna to get nailed by senbon - ice, or whatever they were made of - and as she continued fighting, she suddenly felt the intense heat from what had to be one of Sasuke's fireball jutsus. Surely he took out Haku's clone; he'd also taken almost all of her clones down! She heard Kakashi's pained groan and prayed that Sasuke hadn't hit her husband, too.

She knew from the last clone that popped, that "ice senbon" must have hit Tenzo at some point. It must have happened when I heard him curse. As yet another clone popped, she saw in its memories that her brown-haired sensei was still fighting, but was impaired. Must've lost the ability to move his right arm from being hit in a tenketsu point or something. Moving just before she was turned into a popsicle, Naruto realized how she was being moved back toward Kakashi and Zabuza when she felt him.

Zetsu! / "Zetsu! Black and white!"

Naruto went wide-eyed at the sight of the fucker, and noticed Haku turn toward the filthy plant man, too. He looked shocked. It finally gave her the opportunity to form a Rasengan since it still took her a few seconds to completely form the thing: damnit! She didn't want to kill Haku at all, but maybe he'd survive if she didn't drive it into him too hard. She had to end this battle, though - and not allow most of her abilities to be seen by the ass/aloe-man watching from the sidelines.

She nearly got Haku, tearing his shirt open with the Rasengan, before her feet and legs were frozen in ice. It fucking hurt so much, but then she felt Kurama's chakra absolutely burning through her body and the ice, only for everything in her mind to stop. Those were real senbon: she realized she'd been hit in the neck as she was thrown over a panting Haku's shoulders.

"Naruto? Naruto! Damn it all to hell, kit! You're going to get taken!" Kurama looked at his kit who was laying before his cage, her feet closest to it but still too far away, looking up blankly and shaking in pain. Worry filled him, although he was mostly pissed as hell. What kind of poison is this? It was definitely a new one, and although it didn't affect him, it was really doing a number on Naruto.

Kakashi was fighting as well as he could, although his chakra was rapidly depleting into dangerous territory. The use of his Sharingan to this extent was unnerving. He was burned, in incredible pain, and slowing down rapidly. Tenzo was hurt, but fortunately, it was only a wood clone that was burnt to a crisp, as he'd substituted at realizing Idiot Uchiha's jutsu was about to completely roast him. At least he got that problematic clone. Ice: who'd believe it?

I'm sorry Naruto. I guess this is it. At least I'll see Father. Falling to his knees on the water, he suddenly felt pain in his neck and everything went black.

.

"Tenzo-sensei, you're aware of this trick," Sai said gravely, rather than asking after walking away from his teammates.

"Hai," Tenzo looked around to make sure the other kids weren't within earshot. "Same thing they use in ROOT." He sighed heavily as he looked at the senbon in Kakashi-senpai's neck. The man looked dead, and Tenzo couldn't even feel his heartbeat. He hid his grief as well as he could, reminding himself that he'd seen his senpai near death too many times, but Kakashi had always come out stronger for it. The burns, though...

"I've just gotta be careful in taking these out." He reached down to pull out a senbon and heard Sakura's light steps rushing toward them.

"I can help, sensei!" She noted that Tenzo was glaring at her, and worried that he was questioning her… "Really, I've been working at the hospital. I'm training to be a medic," she pulled out one of the senbon from Kakashi's neck quickly, even before Tenzo had an opportunity to grab her hand.

"Understand me, Pinky. If you do anything to hurt senpai… I will kill you."

Sakura drew her hand to her chest and looked terribly afraid. "Why? W-why s-sensei? I - I really just want to help. We have to act quickly or he really will die!"

Tenzo began to pull out the next senbon from Kakashi's neck, only to be slapped in the vest hard, as she beat him to the senbon. "You have to quickly twist it if you want to take it out without injuring him further." She did just that with the last senbon, too, before putting her glowing green hands over Kakashi's heart. Hearing him finally breathe, Tenzo covered his mouth, trying to hide his relief. Sakura just smiled up at him. "He's gonna be down for a while - maybe a week, sensei."

Tenzo nodded and reached into Kakashi's vest and pulled out a scroll. Flipping it open, his three remaining students made their way around him, looking at it curiously. He nicked the unconscious Kakashi's thumb, drawing blood. He raised the scroll over Kakashi and rubbed his senpai's bloody thumb over it. Eight ninken dug themselves up from the ground, all angry and ready to strike.

"BOSS!" Some looked up at Tenzo curiously, while some were whining over Kakashi's state. "What's happened here, brat?!" Pakkun demanded.

"I summoned you through the scroll for senpai," Tenzo sighed deeply, trying to let go of the huge hole he felt like he was drowning in. "Uzumaki Naruto has been taken," the dogs either whined pathetically, howled, or growled at the news. Tenzo waited to be heard before finally filling them in. "Momochi Zabuza and his accomplice, a Hyoton user, took her. The Yondaime was mentioned." He closed his eyes before shaking his head. The dogs were in an even more riled-up state now, and he reminded himself that he needed to watch his words. Two of Kakashi's ninken had bitten him once when he was simply too blunt. They were fiercely loyal to Kakashi and to a lesser extent, the village.

"They were headed Northeast." Tenzo addressed Pakkun, "I need you to track the assailants and attack if need be. I know senpai asked you to notify the Hokage of changed mission parameters…"

Pakkun interrupted sourly. "I was almost there when you summoned me back here, Tenzo."

"Please Pakkun. Can't you summon yourself back to where you were and go from there? We need backup to retrieve Naruto! You know as well as I do that we need her," He was surprised when the dog growled at him. The ninken knew that Naruto was the Jinchuuriki - and now it seemed that she was unquestionably related to Yondaime-sama. Probably his daughter: Kami-sama! "She's very close to the Hokage: he sees her as a granddaughter. Give me room," he barked toward his students. They finally moved back. "Momochi mentioned that Gato had hired him; he and whoever he's hired will continue to be threats to Tazuna-san, our client. We also need medical attention."

Pakkun could see that - his summoner looked absolutely terrible, and he'd already noticed that Tenzo was carrying his arm. He finally gave the man a nod and began ordering his various packmates around. Bull was to guard "the pups," the majority of the others were to track down Naruto and get information back to whoever was closest to the Leaf, and to not lose sight of her when she was found. Finally, he would deliver news back to the Hokage. One member of the squad tracking Naruto would return to the closest member of the pack, or the Hokage when she was found, depending on where she was.

Tenzo held out the snapped ponytail holder Naruto had left behind to the ninken, but they left without sniffing it. They must already know her scent well. Tsk! He watched as the ninken left in various directions while Bull finally let out a distressed and long howl before lying his head on his master, on the side opposite his burns. "He'll be alright, boy." He stroked the dog's head. Bull had always appreciated his pets, so he didn't worry about getting the hand bitten off that he could actually use.

Biting his palm, he tried to summon with one hand, but it seemed unsuccessful. "Come on Bull, we need to get him to Tazuna-san's house." He picked up his senpai and placed him over his shoulder.

The man was dead weight. It reminded him of the time that… He shuddered. As far as he knew, that was the closest senpai came to dying. Stop! Stay alert and protect your students and client. That's what senpai would do: protect teammates or comrades no matter what. I'm not scum. Tenzo repeated this in his mind, trying but failing to suppress his anger at what happened.

You're in for hell, Sasuke. Tenzo allowed a heavy breath as he laid Kakashi down on a mattress in one of Tazuna-san's extra rooms. And who are you, Pinky?