NOTE: The Fairy Tail cast are already aware of how much stronger the DB cast are. They literally couldn't give any less of a fuck and neither do I.
Chapter 45: There's Something About Marron
(cuts to a rainy area where the Spice Boys are approaching a group of innocent people)
OLD MAN: No! Please! Leave us alone! We were just renting this house! We never meant to-
(everyone get killed by the Spice Boys, who all bow down to Garlic Jr.)
"GARLIC JR!?" The mages from the first movie viewing shouted.
"Who?" Everyone else asked.
Levy cleared her throat to explain. "Basically he's this immortal demon child who is hell bent on killing Kami to avenge his father. In the first movie he used the Dragon Balls to become immortal and opened up this portal to the Dead Zone where his father was sent. He was defeated by Gohan and tossed into the Dead Zone," Levy breathed a bit heavily after her long winded explanation.
"Why would he open up the portal to the only thing that could defeat him?" Jellal asked.
"We...don't know," She told him.
GARLIC JR.: (thinking) Yes! Though this rain may wash these fools away, the blood that soon shall flow no storm shall meet the task! I will cover this world in a darkness so thick and chilly, the only rival shall be the hell in which I spent all those years. (shows a flashback of Garlic Jr. falling into the Dead Zone) Brace your bitter selves, you worms, for I, Garlic Jr., shall soon rule you all!
"Seems he learned how to become a poet in the Dead Zone," Lisanna giggled.
"Villains always seem to have a rhyming sense to their words," Millianna agreed.
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(cut to underwater)
DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: In the great lakes near Mount Paozu, there is a breed of Pauzu tuna clinging at life in its saltwater habitat. Fished near to extinction by the inhabitants, they are slowly making headway back to a sustainable population. (shows Gohan swimming underwater and punching one fish out of the water, along with three more following suit) Oh, sweet salty Christ, no...
"He takes after his father in that regard," Erza sweatdropped.
"Eating an entire species out of existence," Gray agreed.
"Fish always taste good after fishing it yourself. Right Happy?" Natsu asked his partner. The blue Exceed was released by Millianna.
"Aye Natsu!" Happy replied.
(Gohan emerges from the water)
KRILLIN: Hey, Gohan! Goin' fishing?
GOHAN: Yep! With Dad gone, I'm the breadwinner now!
"Your dad made money?" Lucy raised an eyebrow.
"More, like Goku went hunting for a lot of their meals," Makarov explained.
GOHAN: What's with the weird clothes, Krillin? (shows Krillin wearing a fancy white suit)
KRILLIN: Ah-ah-ah! My name is no longer Krillin. My new name is Juan Sanchez.
"I don't want to question this. I really don't," Gajeel facepalmed.
GOHAN: I'm compelled to ask why.
"You really shouldn't," Laxus sighed, disappointed.
KRILLIN: Well, before we left for Namek, I took out a huge life insurance policy on myself, and left it all to my twin brother.
"You don't have a twin though," Wendy said, confused.
"He's lying, Wendy," Romeo tells the blue girl. Wendy's mouth formed an "O" shape in understanding.
GOHAN: But you don't have a tw- Wait, your last name's Sanchez?
"Guess, I can add that to the character log," Levy wrote the name down.
KRILLIN: And it paid off in triple because I died off-planet! They said, "Don't worry, there's no way you're gonna die out in space!" Showed them!
"But, you're alive?" Sting mentioned.
"He did say 'twin brother' just to trick the officials," Rouge told his partner.
GOHAN: Well, I'm still gonna call you Krillin.
"So, are we," Freed nodded his head.
KRILLIN: So, what do you think of my new ride? (shows a red car on top of a hill)
"You can fly. It's so unneeded," Romeo looked uninterested in the vehicle.
GOHAN: Eh, it's a nice car, I guess?
KRILLIN: Not what I was referring to. (Maron is seen stepping out of the car)
MARON: Juan! I broke a nail. Can I have a thousand dollars?
"Oh that motherfucker," All of the women thought simultaneously.
"Anyone gonna mention that she looks exactly like Bulma?" Gray asked.
"Must be a throw away character," Levy answers, regaining her composure.
KRILLIN: You can have two! Gohan, I am an excellent boyfriend.
"More like an excellent tool," Kagura glared.
GOHAN: Krillin, how did you meet this woman?
KRILLIN: We met at the bank. I was there picking up my life insurance money, and she was there depositing her money from her night job. I think she's a waitress or something, because she was depositing a lot of fives and ones.
"That should've been a warning sign," Yukino stressed, messaging her temples.
"I don't get it," Romeo and Wendy said(Still too young to get it).
"And you shouldn't get it," Carla and Macao told the teens.
MARON: And me and my dear sweety little chestnut fell deeply, truly in love!
KRILLIN: She says I have a very rich personality…
"Emphasis on the rich part," Bickslow muttered.
MARON: And a wealth of knowledge!
"More like a wealth of fortune," Lucy rolled her eyes.
KRILLIN: And her boobs are as big as my head!
The women all glared at Krillin's perverted words, and all the perverts in the guild agreed with Krillin's assessment.
Wendy just frowned, looking down at her own "breasts".
GOHAN: I had made the comparison.
"And he's six now. Why are you talking about that around him?" Mira disapproved of Krillin's actions.
KRILLIN: So, you going to the party tonight?
GOHAN: I dunno. Mom wasn't a huge fan of that Walking Dead theme party.
WALKING ZED NARRATOR: Previously, on TFS' The Walking Zed...
(shows Yamcha biting Piccolo's neck, the latter screaming out in pain)
"THE HELL!?"
"Hm, seems like my type of party," Minerva smirked.
(cut back to Gohan)
GOHAN: But I think I can make it.
KRILLIN: See you later, Gohan!
MARON: Goodbye, Gonad! See you at Master Hoashie's!
"This woman…" Erza's eyes twitched in anger.
"How dare she get Gohan's name wrong," Mira seethed.
Both women's murderous aura started seeping through, making everyone sweat nervously in worry.
(Krillin and Maron drive off, with "Gold Digger" by Kanye West playing from inside the car)
GOHAN: Eh, say what you want. They're a good couple.
"No Gohan! They're a shame to all couples everywhere!" Mira shouted.
"They do say idiots flock together," Laxus pointed out.
(cut to Piccolo standing in the middle of a deserted wasteland)
NAIL: (You ever think about buying a house?)
"Doesn't he just live with Goku's family or a random wasteland?" Lisanna asked.
PICCOLO: (thinking) Oh yeah, let me get right on that with all that money I don't have.
"I've missed his smartassness," Gray chuckled.
NAIL: (Well, you ever thought about getting a job?)
PICCOLO: (thinking) I'm a green slug man. No amount of affirmative action is going to get me a job.
"If they refuse you, then they're racist. I'm sure you have some work ethics," Kagura reasoned.
"He beat up a 5 year old for half a year."
"His other half is God."
"He trained with another God.
"He died."
"Ok, anything not abnormal?" Kagura deadpanned.
NAIL: (If you say so. By the way, that old guy's been standing there for like fifteen minutes; maybe you should say something.) (shows Kami standing behind Piccolo)
"Kami sure has patience," Rouge said.
"It's Piccolo, so you gotta have lots of patience," Mira pointed out.
PICCOLO: (thinking) Ugh, fine. (out loud to Kami) What do you want, Kami?
KAMI: Mr. Popo's kicked me off the lookout for the night. Apparently he has a "booty call".
"Oh, lord," Lucy groaned.
(cut to Kami's Lookout at nighttime, with bed rocking sounds being heard inside)
JYNX: Jynx! Jynx! Jynx!
MR. POPO: Shut up, bitch- you love it.
Those familiar with Popo felt chills up their spines. Those who weren't familiar with Popo could only watch the scene with mild uncomfortableness.
(cut back to Piccolo and Kami)
KAMI: Last time he did this I found five corpses. He laughed when I said "five".
Millianna attached herself to Kagura in fright. "How could such a being exist!?" Kagura questioned, instinctively reaching for her sword.
"Wait till you've actually seen him," Levy shuddered.
PICCOLO: Well, what do you want from me?
KAMI: I was hoping I could stay at your house.
"He doesn't have one," Mira informed.
"I'm sure Chi-Chi will allow you to stay," Lisanna brought up.
PICCOLO: I don't have a house!
NAIL: (See? What'd I tell you?)
PICCOLO: Shut up, Nail!
KAMI: Is someone in there?
"The other Namekian that loves annoying Piccolo," Laxus said.
NAIL: (Hello, Kami!)
PICCOLO: He can't hear you.
KAMI: Actually, I can. (telepathically to Nail) Hello, there. Who are you?
"Forgot he was telepathic," Makarov mused.
NAIL: (I'm Nail. I'm a Namekian Piccolo fused with on Namek.)
KAMI: You do know that technique is forbidden, Piccolo.
"Why?" Levy inquired.
PICCOLO: Your FACE is forbidden!
"Nice comeback!" Natsu smiled.
NAIL: (Sadly, that was the best one up here.)
PICCOLO: SHUT IT, NAIL!
The mages laughed at the Namekians.
(cut to Kame House, with the radio playing "American Woman" by Lenny Kravitz)
BULMA: So, nice of you to bring your new girlfriend here, "Juan".
"You guys are really sticking with this shtick," Gajeel said.
YAMCHA: Yeah, not gonna lie, at first we kinda thought you brought home a hooker.
"He did," The guild spoke, unanimously.
BULMA: Yamcha!
YAMCHA: Well, we did.
KRILLIN: I can assure you that my darling beautiful Maron is no hooker.
MARON: Well, that depends. Sometimes I take extra cash in the back room, but those were always under the table, so I don't think they count.
"I want her to get every STD possible," Minerva growled.
YAMCHA: How much extra?
"Burn in the deepest parts of hell," Kagura glared.
MARON: How much ya got?
YAMCHA: Well, I am a professional baseball pla- (gets knocked aside by Bulma) Ahh!
"Thank you, Bluma!" The women cheered.
BULMA: Okay, first off, no one screws Yamcha but life.
"True," Gajeel agreed.
BULMA: Second of all, blue hair? Real original.
"Tell her my blue hair, sister!" Levy clapped.
BULMA: Third, Juan, don't you have any other friends you can take Maron to meet?
KRILLIN: Well, we saw Gohan earlier, but he was busy pounding the tuna.
"Please word that very differently," Mira stressed.
KRILLIN: (everyone minus Maron stares at Krillin) What? With Goku gone, Chi-Chi needs someone to do it.
"PLEASE word that differently," Mira stressed even more.
KRILLIN: (Master Roshi starts chuckling off-screen) We also stopped by Korin and Yajirobe's, but...
(cut to Korin's Tower)
KRILLIN: This brunch is delicious, Yajirobe!
YAJIROBE: Thank you, I cooked everything myself.
MARON: So, if you two had babies, would they be little fat men or kitties?
"WHY IS THAT A QUESTION!?"
"I do wonder though," Natsu ponders. Lucy smacks him in the head for even thinking about it.
KRILLIN: And we are leaving!
KORIN: Probably fat kitties.
"And Korin gave us an answer," Natsu said.
(cut back to Kame House)
KRILLIN: I don't think I'll be taking her back there again.
"You should just leave her all together," Yukino advised.
(cut to later and the gang is celebrating while "Happy Birthday" by Weird Al Yankovic plays on the radio)
EVERYONE: Happy birthday! (everyone clinks a drink in the air)
TURTLE: (tearfully) Thank you! Thank you all so much for remembering my one thousandth birthday! And for this marvelous cake! (shows a gigantic cake on the table ignited with at least one thousand candles at once)
"Happy Birthday!" The guild shouted for Turtle.
MASTER ROSHI: Isn't that thing kind of a fire hazard?
"Roshi's asking the real questions," Romeo said.
GOHAN: Well, of course, Turtle. You're our very best friend!
OOLONG: My birthday was last week, and I didn't get a party…
"I'm sorry, Oolong," Wendy apologized. Nobody's birthday should be forgotten.
YAMCHA: You've been there for us from the very beginning!
OOLONG: Anyone remember when I saved the world from Pilaf...?
"You did what from who?" Levy asked.
CHI-CHI: Like a member of the family, I say!
OOLONG: Seriously, I live upstairs…
"I guess the pig is just dinner," Gildarts said.
MARON: Oh, my gosh, someone got whoever's birthday it is a turtle! Can I have a turtle?
"Wendy, stay in school," Carla advised, sternly.
"Uhhh...sure?" Wendy didn't understand the concern.
KRILLIN: Sure!
MARON: (sees Turtle) Oh, can it be this turtle?
KRILLIN: Of course!
TURTLE: Wait, what?
KRILLIN: Turtle, be my wingman on this one. If I get some, I swear to God I will send you pictures.
"I'll be damned if Krillin loses his virginity to a woman so hot," Wakaba said, to himself.
TURTLE: Deal.
MASTER ROSHI: (still worrying about the burning cake) Seriously, maybe we wanna blow this out before something catches on- (fire ignites his beard off-screen) Ahhh! My beard! My glorious beard! No!
"Not the beard!" Makarov held onto his own beard protectively.
(Cut to nighttime where everyone is sleeping upstairs. Krillin is seen on the front porch looking up at the sky.)
TURTLE: Hey, Krillin. What are you doing out here? Why aren't you upstairs sleeping with your girlfriend like everyone else?
"That does say a lot," Meredy mutters.
KRILLIN: Oh... Hey, Turtle. I'm just up thinking to myself.
TURTLE: What'cha thinkin about?
KRILLIN: It's just... I'm not sure if Maron loves me for who I really am. It's all presents and traveling and caviar and…
"Why are you now realizing this?" Mira sighed.
"I do feel bad for Krillin. I'm sure there's a woman out there who could truly care for him," Lisanna said.
TURTLE: Beluga?
KRILLIN: No, Paozu tuna.
TURTLE: Wow, that's rare.
KRILLIN: And it's just... I just don't know if she loves Juan... or Juan's money.
"Definitely Juan's money," Evergreen answered.
TURTLE: How much money do you have?
KRILLIN: About 5.7 million.
"HHHHHUUUUUUHHHHH!? THAT'S SO UNFAIR! I COULD PAY OFF ALL MY RENT WITH THAT! HOW COME I DON'T HAVE ALL THAT MONEY!?" Lucy ranted, stomping angrily.
"Because of Natsu," Happy answered.
"I KNOOOOWWWW!" Lucy sobbed into the table.
TURTLE: Didn't you get me a gift card from the Gap?
KRILLIN: Not what we're talking about!
TURTLE: Okay, look. If she really does love you for who you are, then you have to tell her the truth. Open up to her, it's the only way.
"That's right, Turtle," Erza nodded her head.
"If she doesn't like you for who you are then dump her into the middle of the ocean to drown," Minerva advised.
KRILLIN: Are you sure that'll work?
TURTLE: Well, if it doesn't, you could always get her a giant pearl. (music stops) What? Bitch is a gold digger.
"He's not wrong," Macao sweatdropped.
(cut to Krillin and Maron walking in a city, with Krillin carrying a ton of presents)
MARON: Okay, first we're gonna go buy Lush because all of their soaps look like cakes and I wanna eat them!
"Please choke on one," Evergreen threatened.
MARON: Oh, and I hope you remembered to make those reservations for L'Anus Serré at 7:30; I hear they're very uptight.
"Heh..anus," Natsu giggled.
KRILLIN: (thinking) Man, can I really go through with this? She seems so happy... (looks at Maron's butt)
"Damn she has a nice ass!" Gildarts complimented. Cana smacked him in the head.
"Shut it you old perv!"
KRILLIN: No! No, Krillin! Stop focusing on that perfect, heart-shaped pillow of an ass! Tonight, you will tell her; and then you will tap that! Please tap that...!
"You won't," Gajeel stated.
(cut to Krillin and Marron walking in a beach at sunset)
MARON: Oh, my God, I just love nice walks on the beaches. Oh, do you think if I swim out far enough, I'd reach Australia? Oh, my God, can we go on a Sandals vacation?
KRILLIN: Listen, Maron... I need to talk to you.
MARON: Oh, don't worry, Juan-Ton, I made the reservations for you, so you don't have to worry about it.
KRILLIN: Actually, I... need to come clean. See, my name isn't actually Juan Sanchez. It's... Krillin.
"Way more unique than Juan," Wendy huffed.
MARON: That is a silly name. *gasp* I'll call you Krilly-Billy!
KRILLIN: That's not everything... You see, all this money I own is actually from my own life insurance policy. From when I died. On another planet. Blown up by an evil space emperor but was then brought back to life by a magical dragon.
"Ya know when you say it like that, I'm surprised his agents believed him," Freed said.
MARON: Uhhh-huh.
KRILLIN: But what I really want to ask Maron is... do you love me for me, or do you just love me for my money?
MARON: Ohh, Krilly-Billy. Of course I don't just love you for your money.
"Huh?"
KRILLIN: Y-You really mean that?
MARON: I never loved you at all!
"And that makes a lot more sense," Juvia sighed.
KRILLIN: (falls over to the ground) Oh... (gets up) Well, can we at least still try the sex stuff?
"Really?" The women deadpanned.
MARON: No, Krillin, you don't understand! I was never really your girlfriend. See, I'm with the States Fraud Bureau and you just confessed to a LOT of insurance fraud; which I recorded. (Krillin's jaw drops on the ground)
"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?"
"I never saw this twist coming," Levy's jaw dropped.
KRILLIN: Wait, you have a recorder on you? Where?
MARON: In my boobs!
"Dammit! The one place men are never meant to reach!" The pervs cursed.
"I've touched Lucy's boobs all the time. I don't see the issue.," Natsu shrugged his shoulders. The blonde celestial mage slapped him in the head.
"DON'T WORD IT LIKE THAT!"
KRILLIN: Curses! The one place I couldn't reach! I'm going to prison, aren't I?
MARON: Well, normally you would, but do you have any idea what they'd do to guys like you? No, you'll just have to pay back everything you owe.
"Krillin would be the strongest in the prison though," Romeo said.
"Physically? Yes, but personality wise…" Macao coughed into his hands.
KRILLIN: Wait, what about all the money I spent on you?
MARON: You'll just have to pay that out of pocket!
KRILLIN: BUT I DROPPED OVER 500 GRAND ON YOU!
"And that's why you spend your money wisely kids," Mira looked towards the two teens.
"Yes Mira!"
MARON: Honey, I work for the government. I never claimed to be a good person.
Erza side eye'd Jellal and he had the decency to look away embarrassed.
(Krillin Owned Count: 29)
(cut to an outside shot of Kame House)
KRILLIN: And that's why I need a place to stay.
MASTER ROSHI: Heh, I'll go blow up the air mattress.
KRILLIN: I do have to admit though, it's nice being a free man again. No women nipping at my heels... Know what I mean? (a plane arrives at the island with Chi-Chi jumping out)
"You keep doing this thing with your mouth, Krillin. Stop talking too soon!" Lucy yelled.
CHI-CHI: All right, I demand to know who has been spreading rumors that I've been forcing Gohan to, and I quote, "Pound my tuna"!
"Run Krillin!" Happy yelled.
KRILLIN: Look, Chi-Chi, if it really upsets you, we'll all take turns pounding your tuna, okay? But only if we get to eat it together. (Master Roshi chuckling loudly off-screen)
"She's married...to an idiot, but she still married," Erza responded.
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
(cut to Kami's Lookout where Mr. Popo is humming and watering pot)
MR. POPO: Hm?
(The Spice Boys start wreaking havoc all over the lookout, laughing and even destroying the pot Mr. Popo was watering, before stopping in front of the entrance and kneels down to Garlic Jr., who's walking outside the entrance.)
"I completely forgot about them," Levy blinked in surprise. Everyone else agreed about forgetting Garlic Jr.
GARLIC JR.: *chuckles* The view hasn't changed a bit!
MR. POPO: (unfazed) Clean that up.
"Oh...no…"
GARLIC JR.: I beg your pardon? Have you any inkling in that simple little head of yours who you're speaking to?
"You might want to stop," Lisanna pleaded.
MR. POPO: Oh, please, do go on.
GARLIC JR.: I am the usurper of this proud throne your worthless guardian holds so dear. I am Garlic Jr., returned from the wretched abyss known as the Dead Zone. And I have come for what's rightfully mine- (a black substance starts wafting up into his face) What's going on? I don't remember releasing the Black Water Mist just yet- Oh, god! No! Augh, get it off me!
(Garlic Jr. and the Spice Boys all scream in terror as the camera zooms up to Mr. Popo's eyes and Garlic Jr. is last seen falling into a dark abyss. Kami arrives at the lookout.)
All of the mages freeze in terror at the scene in front of them. All of the newcomers have all agreed that Popo is the most terrifying creature in existence.
KAMI: Mr. Popo, I'm back, and I- oh, my me! What happened to the lookout?
MR. POPO: Oh, don't mind this, Kami. I just had a bit of Italian for dinner.
KAMI: What does that have to do with-
MR. POPO: 'CAUSE IT WAS NOTHIN' BUT GARLIC!
"A very anticlimactic ending," Freed chuckled, nervously.
Chapter End