Desire

by creaatingmadness

He's leaning against a wall, his taut body stretching slightly higher than those he stands next to. His copper hair goes blue then red as the lights flicker over him, washing him in neon light. He's heaven and hell. Forbidden fruit. But I've tasted it. Sunk my teeth into it and devoured the sweet insides. MA. Explicit Lemons. BxE. *Drabble*

46. Chapter 46

18+

XLVI

Jasper finds me in the bleachers and drives me home.

I sit in the passenger seat with my knees against my chest and wrap my arms around myself tightly.

He doesn't ask what happened and I don't offer, grateful that he knows when I can't speak.

Charlie breezes through the house in a whirlwind, his assistant chasing after him with a phone that won't stop ringing.

Jasper and I ignore him as we lie on the couch and I pretend to watch some stupid alien show, my chest aching.

Alice arrives with weed and Rose and Emmett come with pizza a few hours later.

I don't eat but I smoke, and I let Alice braid my hair, her dainty fingers twisting through the strands gently, like she's afraid one tug too hard will send me over the edge.

She doesn't know I've already fallen, that I'm in a crumpled heap on the ground, unable to move.

The wind blows golden and brown leaves around us where we sit in my garden, and I watch the trees bend and shake under the duress of the gusts. It's cold but I welcome the chill, hoping it will numb me from the horrible writhing in my chest, something deep scratching and biting, crawling up my throat and pounding my stomach this way and that.

They leave and I wander to bed, but I sleep in fitful bursts, waking up in the night to cry again. I don't bother trying to sleep more, instead I sit by my open window and smoke, the air biting at my cheeks, leaving stinging kisses.

I haven't cried like this for him before. I don't know what's changed. I don't know why I feel everything all of a sudden, why I can't seem to switch it off.

I feel and feel, and it makes me want to hurl myself from my window, just to make it stop.

I throw my cigarette out and close the window, the sudden stillness in the air making my head swarm, like there's bees inside, swirling and swirling in bigger and bigger circles, buzzing in my ears and making me want to scream.

Steps forwards and backwards now, across the cool floor, smooth against my bare feet, jerking twists as I meet the walls.

Something restless inside of me won't settle, it's gnawing deep in the pit of my stomach, making my fingertips twitch and my heart pound in my chest.

I think it's guilt.

I think I need to deal with it.

I find my boots and a coat, and I get in my car.