Chapter 46

Catherine had to wait a few hours before she and Steve were finally alone in his bed together. She propped herself up on her elbow and took in the man beside her, he was lean and muscled in all the right places and was a hell of a lover. She was also irresistibly drawn to his energy and that ferocious drive that made him exciting and dangerous. But until now she had not really seen this other side to him, the part of him that craved stability and family. He had just finished telling her about how this past year had changed everything and was forcing him re-evaluate how he wanted to spend the new few years of his life. While he was talking, she had quickly revised her earlier plan to get him to change his mind - it was becoming increasingly obvious that his priorities had changed and what right did she have to project her own career aspirations onto him?

Slowly she was beginning to realize that what he was trying to say was did she want to take their casual relationship to the next level. In his own hesitant way, he was tentatively exploring the possibility of something more permanent. She deliberated on that for a minute, their current situation was just right for her. She was still chasing her next promotion, but was finding it hard to get involved with the right kind of high-profile operations that got you noticed. She didn't like to admit it, as jealousy was a very ugly emotion, but couldn't help feeling envious that Harry had been on the Wo Fat op and not her. He'd done a tremendous job and it had not gone unnoticed, she'd put money on his name appearing on the next list of candidates for consideration by the Promotions Board. Catherine still had a lot to do with her life, she loved the travel and the excitement of high-octane operations; being the one to connect that vital piece of intel that changed everything. Whole teams of people were putting their lives in her hands and the responsibility both scared and energized her. She couldn't imagine settling down at this stage of her life or even in a few years time. Lt. Rollins had a life plan that didn't have any room for a relationship that couldn't be on her terms.

Steve was looking at her expectantly - she knew it was hard for him to open up and share his inner feelings although if anyone was going to get a peek at his more vulnerable side, it was her. It had always been her. Catherine was suddenly terrified of having so much power over this wonderful man, she was going to have to let him down very gently. She looked right at him, wanting him to understand her side of things, "I'm really glad that you have found a place and people that are making you happy, no one deserves it more than you . . " Steve could hear the unspoken 'but' before it came and steeled himself for Catherine's next words, "I might want this as well one day, but not just now. I have so much that I want to do," she corrected herself, "no it's more like I have to do. There's this need in me that I can't control, I have to make something of my life that is bigger than me, or you or even the Navy. I can't explain it, I've always wanted to be part of something amazing." She paused, not wanting to see the crestfallen expression on her lover's face but knowing that she had to face him, he deserved that much from her, "We both used to want the same thing, but something's changed for you and that's fine. It just hasn't changed for me . . . I really like you Steve, more than perhaps even you realize and I'll always care about you. If you need me, I'll come running but I can't commit to a relationship where you need something that I can't give you. It's not fair on either of us."

Steve felt a rush of rejection and instinctively wanted to lash out, but forced himself to take a breath as he tried to listen objectively to Catherine's argument. It wasn't her fault that he suddenly wanted something different - just because his own circumstances had changed didn't mean that Catherine should change to fit in with them. His attention was taken by her finger tracing patterns on his chest, "How about one for the road, Sailor?" As tempting as her offer was, he thought it would just confuse things even more. He gave her a sad smile and pulled her into a hug instead and gently stroked her hair. She was soon soothed to sleep but he lay awake and quietly cried for the loss of a relationship that he had hoped could have turned into so much more.

Catherine had to be up even before Steve's normal early rising time if she was going to get herself sorted and back on base, ready to report for duty by 07:00. She gently eased out of bed, careful to not disturb Steve. She looked fondly at him as he slept, if circumstances had been different then she could have seen them having a lifetime together. She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on his head and whispered, "Goodbye, Sailor." He stirred slightly but slept on as Catherine walked out of his bedroom and out of his life.

Steve arrived back from his morning swim feeling physically drained from pushing himself to the limit, going far faster and further than usual. He had hoped that his furious pace would do something to ease the pain but as he stood in his kitchen preparing breakfast, he wondered just how he was going to put his shattered heart back together again. His quiet contemplation was rudely interrupted by Danny bustling into the room with Grace in tow. She was all dressed for school, but her hair needed serious attention. Danny was loudly grousing about the complicated French plait that his daughter had requested, "I can't be expected to make that," he pointed dramatically over to Grace's unruly hair, "look like this," and brandished his tablet with an image of an immaculate braid showing on the screen. Grace just gave her Uncle Steve a resigned 'What you gonna do' face. He noticed that she had brought down one of the teddy bears from her bed, that one had been Mary's favorite as well.

Steve's heart did a little flip at the normality of it all, without even realizing it, his partner was providing just the distraction that Steve needed to stop himself wallowing in self-pity. He looked at the picture with raised eyebrows, it was a hair-based work of art and most certainly not to be attempted by an amateur. He whispered conspiratorially to Grace, "If I were you, Gracie, I'd settle for pigtails today. Leave that sort of complex hairdressing to the professionals, like your Mommy." She pursed her lips, thinking it over,

"I think you're right, Uncle Steve – Danno, may I have pigtails today, please?" Danny mouthed a silent thank you to Steve and quickly tamed her long hair into neat pigtails. He tied her bows with a flourish,

"Perfection! Even if I do say so myself." His daughter giggled and hopped up on a stool at the work counter,

"What's for breakfast, Uncle Steve." The man in question smiled back at the little girl,

"How do pancakes sound?" She clapped her hands in delight,

"Can I have chocolate chips, pur-leese?" Steve smiled at her indulgently and nodded with a laugh. Her father observed the interaction with a keen eye, she really did have the big bad Navy SEAL twisted around her little finger. He hoped that the hardened criminals on the island never found out about this soft side to his partner, as the crime rate would rocket.

Once breakfast was over Danny went in one direction with Grace to drop her off at her exclusive private school, paid for with Stan's money. Steve fired up his truck and set off the other way, back to the Naval base for his conversation with Commander White. He rehearsed what he was going to say in his head, not wanting to appear ungrateful to either his mentor or the Navy.

After their conversation, Joe watched Steve walk out of the room feeling strangely pleased for the man. His substitute son was finally finding himself a home and surrounding himself with people who genuinely cared about him. It had been a long time coming, after so many years of keeping his emotions tightly locked up – his personal coping mechanism to deal with the events that had unfolded when he was only 15 years old. After the formal part of the conversation, Steve had confided in Joe that his relationship with Catherine was over; he had tried not to let his feelings show but Joe could see how much he was hurting. His mentor was deeply saddened to hear the news but also relieved that Catherine had been up-front with her own feelings and not tried to string Steve along once she realized how different their life goals had become. He couldn't hold it against her, she had every right to make her own choices.

Joe sank back into his chair with a deep sigh, he was inadvertently adding to Steve's misery by the whole mess that was the Shelburne situation. He cursed Doris McGarrett, she had reeled him in after hearing about her husband's murder and played on his connection to John. She had apparently been an active asset for the CIA for all these years, operating under the radar on the most clandestine of assignments – she was a dead woman, after all. But then she had gone into hiding after Wo Fat ordered the death of John McGarrett. She no longer trusted the CIA, believing there to be multiple moles within the agency, and had turned to the only person she trusted to help her stay 'disappeared'. He had hated himself for lying to Steve, knowing instantly that the perceptive younger man could tell that he was not giving him the whole story. He sat up with a start, angrily coming to his feet. This had to end, he resolved to speak to Doris and have it out with her now that Wo Fat was dead and his entire organization was being systematically dismantled.