Who am I to you?
Together they went back to the old cherry tree to meet Ying Kong Shi. Fleshing his teeth angrily, the Ice Prince was still trying to break the binding spell when he became aware of the two approaching figures. "I'll leave you two alone, and go talk to the Blood Red Lotus.", was all Xian Xue said before preparing to leave. "Can you free him first?", Yan Da asked with a pleading look. With a gaze of annoyance in the direction of his descendant, Xian Xue moved his finger again, and the magical bond fell apart. Without any other word the Bird Spirit quickly disappeared into the trees.
Yan Da stepped up to Ying Kong Shi, who rubbed his shoulders where the magical rope had wrapped him tightly. She stopped at a man's length from him and stared into his eyes. When Ying Kong Shi looked up, he froze. To him, she had always been the most beautiful woman he had ever met. But now the sight of her took his breath away. Her skin was snow-white, her hair wild, flowing in glossy strains from her shoulders, her lips as full and red as ever. But the most exciting thing was that she was barely dressed. The rest of her red and black underdress hung from her in tatters. It gave her something vulnerable, despite her straight frame. He blinked his eyes and just tried to look into her face, realizing her conflicting emotions, joy and fear, unbelief and hope in equal measure. And yet it was precisely this expression that made it clear to him she was now his Yan Da of the past. "Yan Da..." "Long time no see, Ying Kong Shi," she replied quickly, almost reflexively. A silence fell over the two of them, born of embarrassment and the desire not to say anything wrong.
Finally the Ice Prince stepped up to her and smiled. Yan Da wasn't able to move. She had seen that gentle smile only twice on his face: once, when he had freed her from the clansmen of the Bear Tribe when he still called himself Yun Fei. And the second time on earth when he had promised her that everything would be fine, shortly before the Blood Red Lotus started to bloom. As before, Ying Kong Shi now gently touched her right arm. "Can you remember everything now?" Yan Da nodded. A breeze came up and brought his scent to her, the scent of cherry blossoms. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she tried to turn away. But Ying Kong Shi was faster and grabbed her other arm as well. Yan Da wiped a tear from her cheek. "I promised myself not to cry when we would meet again."
Again he smiled that smile that almost broke her heart. "It's not that it's the first time, Yan Da. You don't have to feel ashamed, for I know you're the bravest, even when you cry." She nodded. "Ying Kong Shi. Let's not dance around it. I also remember the last few weeks." Ying Kong Shi wiped one of her tears away with his thumb. "I hoped you would." He saw how Yan Da blushed beautifully, but also how her face got an even more desperate look. "She is now part of me, the Yan Da you gave your heart to." The Fire Queen's voice almost choked when she tried to continue despite her tears. "But I am here, too ..."
"I know, Yan Da." Hesitantly, Yan Da touched his forearms, and looked into his eyes. "You fell in love with her. But… who am I to you now? " He raised his hand and gently touched her snow-white cheek. She hadn't changed. She was still asking this question, his Yan Da, his beautiful friend. Ying Kong Shi's heart beat faster, as he focused on her soft skin and her so familiar aura. "Yan Da… I once told you the truth. I thought for a long time that you had heard me. But Xian Xue revealed that you died on earth without receiving my last words to you. Back then, I have wasted so much time holding myself back. But the truth is, I have been loving you for a long time." He felt her beautiful body tremble, and he stopped thinking. He pulled her close, embracing her with almost painful intensity.
"Yan Da. I can't apologize in loving that other part of you during the last weeks. There is no betrayal in loving you in every form you come to me. You have always been my best and most beautiful friend." His hands reached for her face and cupped it. He forced her to look at him. "Yan Da, I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but please, listen. When I promised Ka Suo to give him his freedom, I was a child and I only loved him and my mother. They were all I had. I grew up as the boy who shouldn't exist, being only a bastard without magic to my tribesmen. And then the war came, and Huo Yi destroyed my fragile world in a few days. But he also brought you to me, a stubborn, beautiful and strong Fire Princess with a gentle and loving heart that she tried to hide from everyone. Since our first encounter, everything between us was so messed up. But you didn't care. You loved and cared for me no matter who I became: Yun Fei, Ying Kong Shi, a sword spirit, or Li Tian Jin – you simply dedicated yourself to me. You even stayed by my side until you had to die for it.
How can you believe that I am not ready to love you equally no matter what you remember and what not? If you don't believe me, then have a close look at your new memories. Months ago, I came to this fresh start with a freedom that I didn't know what to do with. But you were there for me, again. You showed me that being free did not necessarily mean to be alone, and I gradually opened up to you. You helped, no, you forced me to stop feeling guilty about the past. And I enjoyed every moment with you. To be honest, I never could imagine a life without you in it. That's why I brought you back after your first death. That's why Xian Xue brought your soul back after your second death. There is no other Yan Da. There is only you, and I promise I will always love you no matter how much you remember of the past."
Yan Da felt that he was telling the truth. He had told her those words for weeks now. The boundaries between her old and her new beings started to blur, and all the memories of the time together in this fresh start were suddenly less ... alien. For a brief moment she saw herself lying naked on a bed, and he was above her, inside her. Yan Da trembled again, and dreamily, she touched the Ice Prince's face. How beautiful he is. I would so much like to trust you, Ying Kong Shi. She almost wanted to give up on her plan. But then she stepped back, making his hands slipping down from her shoulders.
"There was a time when I wanted so much to learn ice skating. In fact, you told me about it. You were a little Sword Spirit back then and I played with you all day while I followed Ka Suo and his friends on the way to snatch the Hidden Lotus from your father Yuan Ji. Unfortunately, you had no more memories of me. But I fed you with my spirit, and cheered you up with all kinds of games. You told me back then, that nothing was more fun than ice-skating. Unfortunately, you were just a spirit without a body and I was a Fire Princess without ice spells.
A lot of time has passed, and now we both are at this wonderful frozen lake, having another opportunity to try ice-skating together. We're both the same now, both able to cast the magic of the Ice-Fire Tribe. And yet ... look at me. I have no shoes. They were too broken to wear after fighting the creatures of the Realm of Transition. And you can't put ice blades on my bare feet. I know it sounds ridiculous, but for me, it seems to be our fate that something is always missing to our luck. Whether it's a lack of opportunity, or trust, or courage, or simply shoes, there is always something missing. You're right, I have always loved you unconditionally. The last weeks, as the young Yan Da, I tried to learn to trust in your love. But something was always missing. For a long time, I didn't understand what it was, until I saw you and Xian Xue in one place on the shore of the Endless Sea. Ying Kong Shi, he is my friend, too. I can't watch him fade into nothingness. For giving us this fresh start, his memories should be part of our reincarnation cycle, like Yan Zhu is a part of me. In her memories, she will always miss him - I will always miss him. I know you two have your issues, but this is my condition: For us to be together, I want you to take in his memories!"
Ying Kong Shi dropped his arms and blinked. Then he turned away, allowing her only to see his profile. Yan Da had the impression that he seemed to be wrestling with himself. She waited patiently to see how he would react. "Yan Da, you trust Xian Xue so much. Are you ... afraid of me?" The question hit her unexpectedly. And yet… Images passed her by which she had repeatedly pushed back, Yan Da could still feel the cold magical rope around her neck... She couldn't deny it. She had always been afraid of him, even if she basically knew that he didn't mean to harm her. But his promise to Ka Suo had made him unpredictable and uncompromising. Ying Kong Shi had willingly chosen to do bad things. He even had destroyed this world. Only that part of him that had set out to find the Blood Red Lotus before Ying Kong Shi was even born, had changed and become wiser over millions of years in the other dimension. Xian Xue had given up to return to his time and his beloved ones in exchange for a future worth living for all of them. And he had also given them the hope that, with enough time and guidance, Ying Kong Shi would embark on a better path. But he still carried this little boy within him who was capable of throwing all morals overboard for the people he loved.
"Yes." She swallowed hard. When Ying Kong Shi heard her answer, he pressed his lips together. She could literally see him pulling away from her. But he wasn't angry yet, and she took that as a good sign.
"Ying Kong Shi, the truth is that we are all scared of you, considering what you have done in the past and what you are capable of. Xian Xue saw your future with the Blood Red Lotus and told us there was no guarantee that it would be peaceful. You know exactly the rules: The Blood Red Lotus can't guarantee to the speaker of the wish that his or her actions won't end up in the exact same course of events. Instead, the Blood Red Lotus requires the wishing person to face past mistakes by learning from them and finally letting old issues go, for that's the only way to a fair and balanced life for us immortals. So it's all about accepting our personal loss and our own wrongdoing in it. By that, we can develop the wisdom to overcome our upbringings, our bad habits and even our poor morality that may be the initial cause of all trouble. Only through finding inner balance and connecting to our own spirits we can really change the past, not turning again to extreme actions as easy solutions, not letting fear, loss and obsession reign over our minds, but wisdom, hope and love.
Even nowadays, Xian Xue keeps repeating these words to us. I think he hopes that we will remind you of them whenever you stray. But beyond that fear, there is something that you do not know. Ying Kong Shi, please look at me." Ying Kong Shi reluctantly turned to her, his eyes had a dark blue colour that showed a storm was building up in him. "None of you fully trusts me. You fear I will become like my father. Even you, Yan Da ... If you're so scared, why haven't you simply taken my power away from me? Xian Xue could have done it, just one more wish to the Blood Red Lotus, right? I lived my whole childhood without magic, I was just a shadow back then, and a danger to no one. Why, Yan Da? WHY?" Now he yelled at her, and his yellow eye flashed angrily. Unsure, she backed away. She knew the danger she was in. It was Li Tian Jin who spoke out of him. He had looked at her like this before, a tiger ready to leap.
"You can yell at me as much as you want. But you listen to me well now, because I only say it once. Xian Xue has never intended to become a part of you. Xian Xue saw your future, and the price for your future was for him to die. Don't you understand? My condition has nothing to do with the decision to elect you as king. We made the decision right at the beginning when Xian Xue gathered us all in the Time Stream sixty years ago. You may be surprised, but it was a consensus decision. Only after we had come to that agreement did we go to work and prepare for your arrival here." Ying Kong Shi was still breathing heavily, but slowly the new information sank in and made him calm down a little.
"So you want to tell me that despite your fear you gave me the royal dignity, even though you knew that Xian Xue's guidance would be missing?" Yan Da nodded. "It was our wish, Ying Kong Shi. Despite all your mistakes, we wanted you to be king. Despite all the fear, all the risks, we wanted to have a future together with you. Each of us had an unforgettable experience with you that showed the good in you, and everyone saw your potential that Ka Suo spoke of. And so Xian Xue communicated our wish to the Blood Red Lotus and made the deal for you. We didn't take you as a second choice. In fact, you were our first choice as the new king, and we would never have mutilated you by taking away or diminishing your powers." Now the Ice Prince looked very confused.
"Then I don't understand why you keep insisting that I adopt Xian Xue's memories. I mean, I know what he did for us, and I don't want Xian Xue's death stand between us." Suddenly he looked at her with narrowed eyes. "You were never good at lying. You're hiding something from me. What are you holding back, Yan Da?"
When she turned and took his hand, Yan Da couldn't face his gaze. Finally, she was caught in this moment, about to revealing him what Yan Zhu had kept a secret until her death. "It is all because of your promise." Annoyed, Ying Kong Shi pulled at her hand so that she was forced to look at him. "I have already told you that I have fulfilled my promise to my brother. I will never again have to put my loyalty to him above anything else because of this promise. I am free and I want you by my side, Yan Da. Why do you just start over and over again? Can't you just put at least some trust in me?"
Yan Da looked at him with an unmoved expression. "I don't mean this promise, Ying Kong Shi. You don't know it anymore, but your incarnation Xian Xue made a promise to my incarnation long before you got to know She Mi or Ka Suo. Xian Xue promised back then to make Yan Zhu his wife once they were grown up. It was a promise of a young boy and his beautiful first love. But once he was grown-up, the uprising began, and Xian Xue never had the chance to keep his promise. The Hidden Lotus took advantage of Yan Zhu's lonely, wounded soul and made her neglected love the basis of the hatred between our tribes. Afterwards, she tricked Xian Xue into sacrificing himself and leaving this dimension to gain the Blood Red Lotus.
Although it looks like we now have it all, a fresh start and a new chance to be together, there is still that final unfulfilled promise that turned Yan Zhu's love into the hate that the hidden lotus used to turn her against the tribes. In accepting her memories as a part of me, I allowed the curse to continue to exist. The Yan Zhu in me will always be unable to fully trust you, unless the reason for the initial distrust between her and Xian Xue is healed."
Ying Kong Shi still held her hand tightly, but the wild, angry expression on his face was gone. "You are afraid that you will never trust me completely because of the curse of the Hidden Lotus. You need Xian Xue, so that he can keep his promise and Yan Zhu can find peace…" Yan Da nodded. "I have just her memories, but they poison my heart. Should there ever be an argument between us for any reason, the hatred and suspicion that I remember from Yan Zhu will flare up again. And I don't want that. Please let her, let their story have a happy ending. They deserve it, and we both will also live better that way." Slowly, Ying Kong Shi's face took on a serious but peaceful expression. He raised her still clasped hand and placed it gently on his chest. "In this case, I no longer have anything against it. If it means anything to you, I've already thought about asking Xian Xue for his memories. Those sixty years that you spent together ... and the time with Yan Zhu when they were kids ... I was curious before you told me your reasons for wanting his memory become a part of me. But, what if the Blood Red Lotus won't allow it?"
"She will," said Xian Xue's voice behind his back. The Bird Spirit had quietly approached them, and now he looked full of admiration at Yan Da. "You truly convinced him?" Ying Kong shot a venomous look in Xian Xue's direction. "Yes, she convinced me. Tell me, what is the price for that last bargain with the Blood Red Lotus, Xian Xue?" "Nothing of importance, nothing you need, or will even miss. You will know it when you let me in." The Bird Spirit smiled, flashing his teeth, and then, he did something that surprised Ying and Yan Da equally. He put his hands on both their shoulders. "I know you find it hard to accept that I am a part of you, Ying Kong Shi. But I know you love me for caring for Yan Da. That's the one good thing of us having lived in the same timeline. Together we have achieved to keep both our promises, the one to our brother and now, the other one to Yan Zhu." Yan Da smiled, and pressed his hand. "But we haven't married yet," said Yan Da teasingly. "Believe me, after I am part of him, he will never be able to let go of you." The Bird Spirit laughed out, loud and free. His cheerfulness was catching and made even Ying Kong Shi smile.
"It is time for me to go. There will be no better or worse moment. It's all said and done." "Already? So quick?" Yan Da shot a surprised gaze at Xian Xue. "Let me be honest with you, my precious best friend. That you both care for my memories is a gift I would never have expected. Now that you two are willing to give my memories back to our cycle of reincarnation, I don't want to wait any longer. I want to meet Yan Zhu again." Despite his smile, a tear glistened in the edge of his eye, and slowly found its way over his cheek. The drop hadn't touched the ground yet when Xian Xue's body started to glow in the turquoise light that was typical for him. "Please, take good care of each other, and of this world. I love you, both of you." Ying Kong Shi and Yan Da watched in amazement how he peacefully dissolved. The man who had saved them all disappeared in the light of the night, leaving a spark that shone on both of them before disappearing into Ying Kong Shi's forehead. The Ice Prince closed his eyes, and felt dragged away at light speed. The pictures of Xian Xue's life raced through his mind. There was a kaleidoscope of emotion, a journey of pain and loneliness, yet a fall with one constant lifeline. The girl of fire was always with him. She covered and warmed him with her little body that never got cold. With her there was no loneliness, no sadness, and no more guilt.