Hi, guys :) Here's the new chapter. Enjoy :)
Turns out, Dean actually can avoid me. Even when living together. It's been a couple of weeks since I'm back from the hospital, and I haven't managed to corner him and actually talk. When I enter the library or the kitchen, he abruptly stands and leaves, not even looking at me. Even if he reads all the text I sent him, he never gives me a chance to talk. It's like I don't exist for him. And what hurts the most is the pity I see in Sam's and Ben's eyes.
I knew Dean was angry. But I never even thought it'd be that bad. Sam and Dean go on hunts, never even once asking me to join. And I know it's not because they believe I need more time to recover. It's because Dean doesn't want me there. Every time I try to call him, say his name... He goes rigid for a split second and then goes on whatever he's doing without paying me attention as if I never said a thing. As if I'm not even there. I start to feel like a ghost. More often than I like to admit, I have to hide the tears pricking in my eyes. With every rejection, my heart breaks piece by little piece. All the love I have for him now I feel as a bitter and desperate beast, curled inside my chest. And it hurts, it hurts so much I can barely breathe. Obviously, heartbreak is much bitchier than I ever thought.
"Are you sure?" Ben asks for the thousandth time as he and Sam watch me preparing my bags.
"Yes, kid." I nod as I add some last-minute items.
"You're always welcome here, you know," Sam says, making his puppy eyes look.
"I'm not, Sam. Not really. Your brother doesn't want me here." I shrug, ignoring the stings of my emotional pain, "I won't bother him anymore." I look at both of them and hug them, "I'll miss you so much. Both of you."
"Stay." Ben pleads.
"I can't."
Sam nods. As always, he understands. He knows I'm in pain here, and I need space to gather myself up. To pull myself together. And that can only happen if I'm away from the only man I've ever been in love with.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know. But I'm always just a phone call away. I promise. For now, my destination is the nearest motel, but then... Who knows where the wind blows?"
They both give me a final hug and leave me to gather the last of my belongings. Whatever things I have in Dean's room, clothes, books, weapons... whatever it is, he can keep it. I don't want or need them. I push one of my jackets in the bag and close it. There's some kind of finality in this simple action.
"So you're running away." Dean's gruff voice startles me, "Again."
He's leaned on the doorframe, his arms crossed. I sigh and rub my face, my heart racing, tears ready to spill down my cheeks. So many times I tried to talk to him and he refused. But now that he's here, I realize I don't know what to say to him. If there's something left to be said, I don't know what it is.
"It's your signature move, after all. I shouldn't be surprised. When things get tough, you always run."
It's like he slapped me. And what hurts more is he is right. I always run away when I feel I can't handle the situation. It's easier, safer. But not this time. I square my shoulders and look at him. Really look at him. Obviously, he hasn't been sleeping well lately. There are dark circles under his eyes, his hair is a mess, his clothes crumpled. He looks worse than I feel. Exhausted, haunted. I shake my head and suppress the urge to touch him, to caress his cheek, to kiss him.
"I'm not running away. Not this time, anyway." I fling one of the duffel bags over my shoulder.
"Oh. Then, what's that?" he points to my luggage.
"This is me moving out." I state and take the other bag, "I'm getting out of your hair. You made it clear you don't want me around."
"I never said that." there is something cautious in his eyes, yet his face keeps its stern look of disappointment and something close to resentment.
"You didn't have to," I shrug, "You showed it pretty well." I do everything in my power not to touch him as I pass by him, "If you ever decide you're interested in having a real conversation with me, you know my number."
As I walk down the hall I hear him scoff. And with each step, the realization he won't try to stop me or come after me sinks deeper and deeper. Piercing and hurting. This time he won't chase me, he won't come looking for me. The long hold tears finally stream down my face as I hear his footsteps fading. It's over. Dean and I. It's really over. A sob escapes me as I turn around to look at him one last time. But he's already gone.
This one is shorter than usual, but I thought it should be a stand alone one. I'd love to hear what you think, so drop me a review and tell me! :)) Wishing you all happy weekend!