Sorry for taking a while! Thanks for sticking with me :)

Disclaimer: I don't own The Vampire Diaries

Welcome to Mystic Falls.

The sign flashed by on the side of the road and the urge to ask Elijah to turn the car around and head off in an other direction was stronger than it had been the last few times.

No doubt, he could hear my heart racing. I felt my hands go clammy, and I wiped them on my jeans, but I don't think it helped, really.

We passed familiar faces on the street and I shrunk as far down in my seat as I could. Surely, everyone knew about it by now. And even if some were people I hadn't spoken to in years, it would be right there in their eyes.

I dreaded every turn we took; every bit of road taking us closer to the house. I knew what it would look like. We would take the last right turn, and the houses would line up along the street, framed by a few trees here and there.

And there it was.

I didn't realise I was holding my breath until I inhaled and felt the muscles in my body relax in relief. Elijah pulled up on the driveway, and when he turned off the engine the silence was so deafening that I wanted to scream.

Elijah moved his hand, hovering it hesitantly, before he brought it back. ''I can return the car for you,'' he said.

''Thank you.'' I knew that as soon as I stepped through the door I would break down. I clasped my hands together in my lap and tried to steady myself before getting out of the car.

''You have a visitor,'' Elijah said suddenly. I looked up.

''Damon,'' I mouthed to myself when I saw him stand in front of the house. He was looking towards us, a scowl on his face. ''I should talk to him.''

I stepped out on tired legs and walked up to Damon, hugging myself for warmth. He was still scowling, and I had a feeling why. I just wished he would keep it to himself, if just for a little while.

''I thought I'd be a friendly face when you came back,'' he said when I reached him.

Managing a smile, I tried to show him how grateful how I was. Hoping he could redirect his attention; but with the look in his eyes I could tell that wasn't going to happen.

''You need help with any bags?''

''They're in the car, but...''

''He's here?''

Damon looked past me towards the car and Elijah.

''Yeah.''

''He's here,'' Damon said again, practically spitting it out.

''Damon, it's okay.''

''You know what he's done.''

''Damon, please – just...'' I took a deep, but shaky, breath, ''don't do this now. Please.''

I could tell he was about to say something, but before he got the chance, his eyes focused on something else behind me and the anger spread from his eyes to form a grim look on his face.

''If you're going to take out your aggressions on someone, take them out on me,'' Elijah's voice sounded from behind me. ''Even though I doubt I am the sole reason behind them.''

''You've got some nerve,'' Damon said, giving him a once-over. I felt Elijah's presence next to me, and I stepped in front of him without thinking.

''Damon, please just stop.'' I didn't tell him, but begged him. I was only a few feet away from breaking down again, and I wanted it to be behind closed doors and not make a scene in front of everyone.

He pressed his lips into a thin line, dismay written all over his face.

I turned around, and asked Elijah with a quiet mention of his name to leave, even though – right now – I'd rather be around him than anyone else. Because he knew. Because I wouldn't have to feel like I had anything to explain.

''I'll get your bag,'' Damon said and made no attempt at explaining himself or apologising. I would most likely never get a straight I'm sorry from him. He would show it in some other way, probably – but him acting like that still made me sad. I knew where he was coming from – I did – and I knew that he wasn't as forgiving as me.

He left quietly when he was sure I was settled inside.

Everything was the same. The coatrack was the same. The rug. The sets of shoes lined up against the wall.

There were unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink. That mug that was clearly made for tea but she would always drink coffee out of instead-

I averted my eyes quickly, and made my way upstairs instead. When I passed the door to her bedroom, I closed it without looking inside.

My bedroom was just as I had left it. Not sure if she'd ever been in there while I was gone, but I could imagine her standing in the doorway, thinking about me for a while, and then going downstairs and making herself comfortable in front of the TV.

Every part of this house was filled with images of her. If I was ever to be able to breathe properly in here, I had to do something. My mind went to the dishes. I couldn't let them sit there. I had to get them clean and put away. Especially the mug. If I could just stand to look at it for a minute, then I wouldn't have to again.

I could have blinked and not realised I'd made the distance from upstairs to the kitchen. My legs worked, by some stranger wonder, on their own. My hands, as they turned the tap on to soak everything in the sink, did too.

It was a strange thing that I actually heard the knock on the door. So preoccupied in nothingness, I would've thought it would've just went right past me. But it didn't, and I wasn't prepared to have Elijah with me again. I had thought I would break down in tears as soon as I stepped inside, but I hadn't. Yet. And I'd rather do it alone than in front of anyone. Especially him. Even if he had seen it before.

The cold air had me shivering within seconds, and I wrapped my cardigan around me, keeping my arms crossed.

''I wanted to see how you were,'' he said, hesitating by the threshold.

''You can come in,'' I said. ''And I'm fine,'' I added, and walked straight back into the kitchen to continue where I had left off.

''You're quite certain?'' I heard him ask.

''Yep.''

''I think you don't want to appear weak in front of anyone.''

I grabbed a glass and tried to ignore how true those words were. ''I'm not pretending,'' I said. ''I'm dealing. That's what I have to do, right? Deal with it.'' I scrubbed the glass ferociously, splashing water over both myself and the floor.

Then I managed to crack it against the sink. I hissed at the pain following the sound of broken glass. A thin red line appeared on my palm, and I felt something in me burst.

''Damnit,'' I cursed and slammed the rest of the glass into the already contaminated sink. ''I'm f-'' I stopped myself, ''Fine, I'm not okay. There's a huge pile of paperwork waiting for me, and this house- I can't... she... I don't know what to do!''

I bit down on my lip when the cut on my hand started hurting after the initial shock. I pressed my other hand against it, and then I realised I was getting blood all over me. Leaning against the counter, I clutched my hands to my chest and stared at the floor in front of me, frustrated and desperate for answers I didn't have.

''I just... I don't know what to do with the house. The car. What am I supposed to do with all that?''

''The house would be yours if you want it, would it not?''

''If I want it,'' I echoed. ''The only reason I'm still standing is because of everyone else, because of you- if I didn't care about you then I'm pretty sure I'd be lying dead in a ditch somewhere because I'm only trying to deal with this because there are still things I care about.''

It became so quiet I had to raise my gaze and see if he was still there. He was, but with a look that was impossible to interpret.

''What?'' I asked when I saw his face. He was standing closer to me, almost right in front of me. I could practically feel the heat radiating from his body, and if I wasn't imagining it, he made a move to step in closer – but he stopped himself.

''Nothing,'' he replied quietly. ''Here,'' he said, and when I looked down I saw a paper towel in his hand.

''Thank you.''

Gingerly, I took it, and pressed it against the cut. This was the first time I realised I was bleeding right in front of him, but he didn't seem to be bothered by it.

''I'm serious, though,'' I said quietly. ''Thank you.''

''You will get through this,'' he said. ''Trust me.''

I mustered up a smile, more for his sake than mine. Then the incident from earlier caught up with me.

''Damon will come around,'' I said.

''I wouldn't be so sure,'' Elijah said in a low voice.

''He will,'' I said. I did think that, I did. ''Maybe not completely, but still.''

''And you?''

''What about me?''

This was one of those moments where nothing but the truth could do. Even if it might not be exactly what someone wanted to hear. And I didn't know what Elijah wanted to hear, but I knew what I hoped. Averting my eyes from his intense gaze, I let out a small sigh and just spoke.

''I'm beginning to.''

''Beginning to?''

As soon as I had said it, I realised how it might've come across. ''I am...'' I began, searching feverishly for the right words to say,'' I am... so scared that I'm going to lose someone else. I know what it's like, now. And I know that I probably can't avoid it, but I never want to feel like this again.''

I wanted to say that I was scared of admitting my feelings, but if I did there would so much at stake. Too much. ''I just... I don't want to lose anyone else,'' I said slowly, meeting his eyes.

He moved to step towards me again, just as before, and I wanted him to come closer. But I was terrified. Terrified of all the sadness I felt and all the things his proximity was stirring up in a body and mind almost lost to numbness.

''You are...'' he said, but his voice broke, and he closed his eyes briefly, before giving me a look I would never forget. ''I wish you would...''

''Elijah...''

Something in his eyes changed. In the blink of an eye, he had stepped back and straightened his suit jacket.

''I might have to pay my dear brother a visit,'' he said and completely changed the subject. He straightened out his suit jacket, and my eyes followed the movement.

''Oh, okay,'' I replied, feeling my heart sink in my chest. He had wanted to say something. I wished he hadn't stopped himself. Wondered why.

''You will be alright?''

''Yeah,'' I said, still confused and unable to calm my heart.

He nodded, and then he was off. Everything about his parting body language had been hesitant, I was sure of it. And even though it should make me hopeful, it had me completely torn apart. Because it couldn't ever happen. Could it?

I spent the rest of the night trying my hardest not to think about it.

The next morning I felt more alone than I ever had in my whole life. The sheets rustled when I gripped them tightly to get out. I didn't want to leave the warm and safe place beneath the covers, but I knew that I had to. This was the last thing I really had to force myself to do. Everything else would work itself out somehow. But this... there was no way out of this.

I didn't know what to wear. Black, I supposed. Everything, black.

Just grabbing the first things in my closet that fit the bill, I got dressed and headed straight for the bathroom. The tap squealed when I turned it on. I splashed some cold water on my face, and when I straightened out and came face to face with my reflection in the mirror I almost started crying. Turning from the face looking back at me, I still couldn't get the image of it out of my head.

I had thought it was her.

I walked in a haze towards the church. There was crowd formed outside, waiting. There would be, since I waited until the last possible second to leave. As soon as I saw them all, I stopped. Half of town had to be there. I didn't pay attention to faces – all I saw was a crowd of people dressed in black. People who would want to speak to me as soon as I went over there.

''Hey,'' a familiar voice said from next to me. Damon. He, too, in black. But he wore it all the time; and it was a little comforting, for some reason.

Damon smiled a strained smile at me. ''You need some help?''

It was obvious that he felt bad. And to be honest, since I'd last seen him I had pretty much forgotten all about what had happened.

My eyes darted to the crowd again, and I felt a frown crease my forehead. I met his gaze and nodded helplessly.

He offered me his arm. ''Come on.''

I didn't cry.

Maybe it was because I knew that if I even let one tear out, more would follow and then I wouldn't be able to stop.

They were walking to the cemetery after the service. I say they, because I didn't know if I should go or not. I didn't know where my breaking point was. Everyone was there. All of my friends, the mayor... people from the hospital. Everyone wanted to offer their condolences; and I let them, as best I could. I let them speak to me, and met their eyes, nodded slightly to acknowledge that I was listening to them – but I wasn't really.

I had my friends close to me when people started making their way from the church, but I think they might've stopped trying to talk to me when they realised that I didn't listen to a word they said. I heard them, sure, but I wasn't listening.

Everything we passed was blurry to me. All but one thing. I vaguely heard Elena say that we shouldn't have taken this road, and as soon as I saw it... it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The candles. The flowers. All arranged beneath a streetlight next to the road on the other side of the intersection.

My throat tightened and I started feeling like I couldn't breathe.

I didn't know what to do but get out of there.

So I ran.

Pushing myself faster with every step, I didn't care how people were looking after me or calling my name – all I knew was that I had to get out of there. I blinked away the tears finally flooding my eyes, tried to blink away the images of small flames and sad roses but they refused to leave.

It didn't matter how my legs burned, or how hard it was to get air – I didn't stop until I was back at the house with the door firmly shut and locked behind me.

Sinking down against the closed door, I started sobbing uncontrollably. This was too hard. It was too hard.

Elena texted and asked if I wanted her to come stay the night. I think she didn't want to call because she didn't want to put any extra pressure on. She was right. And I texted her back, telling her I would be fine. I had to be fine, didn't I? I had to learn how to survive in this house, alone.

When I'd stopped crying, I made my sniffling self stand up and go upstairs to get out of the clothes I probably would never be able to wear again. I put them in the back on my closet; shoving them as far in as I could. Hoped it would be awhile until I saw them again. Pushed away the thoughts that tormented me about delaying the inevitable.

There was only one place in this house I knew I might be able to cope with, until I became tired enough to somehow manage some sleep. Snatching a blanket from my bed, I made my way downstairs and out through the back door.

I wrapped the blanket tightly around me. It was still cold, but I didn't mind; in fact, I barely felt it. For the first time today, the tightness in my throat eased and the cool air was welcome in my lungs. I sat down in one of the chairs on the patio and tried to find a comfortable position on the cold metal.

We never were out here that much. I couldn't really tell why; now that I sat there I realised how cozy it might've been. Now, it was just cold.

The blanket didn't give me much warmth, but I didn't mind. It was better than being inside. The only thing was that it was so godawful quiet. No wind, no cars, and no birds. Just me and my heartbeat.

That's why the sound of a twig breaking caught my full attention, and when I saw who it was I was pretty sure he had stepped on it on purpose.

''I'm sorry if I scared you.''

''You didn't,'' I replied, watching Elijah step out of the darkness and into the backyard.

''Now that's a lie,'' he said, a smile tugging on his lips.

''Heartbeat?'' I asked.

''Not this time.''

He watched me, keeping his distance. ''I spoke with my brother,'' he said, after a while. ''He offers his condolences, although I'm quite sure you will be receiving them in person as well.''

I nodded. Klaus had been so far from my mind, I'd almost forgotten he was still in town. Maybe he would stop by. Study my behaviour.

''You can sit down if you want,'' I said, offering Elijah the chair beside me. He was incredible still for a moment, until he, in one swift motion, came closer and joined me on the patio.

''Do you want something?''

His body was angled towards me, and I didn't think much of it until I heard his voice close to me. It broke the heavy silence around us, and it was as if his voice was all there was – if I didn't look at him.

''You don't have to cater to everyone's every need,'' he said.

''Yes,'' I said. ''I do. Because if I don't I'll fall apart.'' It scared me how easy it was to confess.

''Your friends wouldn't let you,'' Elijah said.

I wrapped the blanket closer around me and shook my head. ''I'm not sure I can stay here. In this house. But I don't want to get rid of it either. I went back here because we weren't out here that often. This is the only place that's not completely smothering.''

''You have to step inside eventually,'' he said. ''It's too cold for you to stay outside all night.''

''I know,'' I replied quietly. ''I'm going to. Just not quite yet.''

Even if I was hurting, my mind was still. It was just the cold air and the night sky, and a dull ache in my bones; but no racing thoughts or heart.

''You know, she really liked you,'' I said out of the blue. It surprised me, talking directly about her, so soon. He didn't say anything in reply, but I became too lost in thought to think about it.

After a while, when my feet and fingers had gotten stiff from the cold, he spoke.

''I stopped by to see how you were,'' he began. I turned my gaze to him, only to find him looking right back. ''Hoping you would be asleep, obviously. But since that's not the case – I have something to confess.''

''I wanted to make you a promise,'' he said, and the severity in his voice had me a little worried. He didn't continue right away, but held his hands out towards me, palms facing upwards. Waiting.

He had done that once before, in Lafayette. I had trusted myself then. Trusted him. And I still did.

The warmth of his skin against mine was foreign. More safe than frightening – but still I tried my hardest to keep my guard up. Letting my thumb curl into his palm, I was surprised how easy it was. I thought I had forgotten everything I'd worked for, but now it didn't seem like I had.

I met his eyes, and they were warm. Sincere.

The next few words he said made me hold onto his hand a little tighter; but with what he said, I didn't think he minded.

''I will do the uttermost to make sure there's at least one you won't lose.''

I looked down at our hands as he placed his other hand over mine. ''I promise you,'' he said, his voice barely a whisper. In the silence, it was louder than anything.

For a moment, I was worried that what I was feeling seeped through my hands into him. A brief second of focus, and I was sure that wasn't the case. Yes, I was scared. Scared of feeling things in the middle of the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Even more scared of admitting it.

I wasn't sure what this was, or where it would end up, but I was sure I didn't want to lose him.

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