Chapter 47: Battlefield Ee-arth
(cut to Capsule Corporation in West City)
BULMA: Hey, Yamcha. Thanks for coming by and picking up the rest of your stuff.
"Finally kicking the waste out huh?" Gajeel perked up.
"Be nice! This is a delicate time for most people," Levy slapped his arm.
YAMCHA: Hey, no problem. I mean, didn't have to, you know, throw out most of it…
"You were dead," Cana spoke, nonchalantly.
"Is that really a good excuse to dispose of someone's belongings?" Meredy asked.
"If it concerns weak willed men? Then, yes," Cana answered.
BULMA: Eh, you were dead and it was taking up space.
OOLONG: Much like your corpse.
"Just setting the guy ablaze," Sting winced.
"They don't really act like friends," Lector said.
"Frosch thinks so too!" Frosch frowned.
YAMCHA: Ha-ha. Ah, where did you bury me anyway?
BULMA: Bury?
(shows a shot of Yamcha's corpse, still decaying in the pit he died in, with buzzing sounds being heard off-screen)
"They are definitely not friends," Yukino finalized, folding her arms with a huff.
"Even for me that's a bit harsh," Minerva shook her head.
OOLONG: So, Bulma. How's the single life treating you?
BULMA: It's been nice, actually. Had a dream about Vegeta last night…
"Sounds sweet...even though it's Vegeta," Mira said to her sister. Lisanna nodded her head in agreement.
"Bulma and Vegeta do seem like a perfect fit," Lisanna responded.
"True love in the making!" Juvia agreed.
YAMCHA: You slut!
"Why are you offended? You guys aren't even dating anymore," Gray said, not understanding.
"Even extinguished love burns within the broken hearts," Juvia spoke, sagely.
BULMA: We were walking in a park...
YAMCHA: You slut!
"Calling her that is rude and disrespectful," Erza glared.
"Especially since you cheated on her and ruined your relationship in the first place," Lucy added.
BULMA: Okay, first off, we're not even dating. Second of all, I don't even like him. (Vegeta's spaceship is seen falling in the distance).
"She's lying," Mira and Lisanna said, simultaneously. The Take-Over sisters could smell love from a mile away.
BULMA: Third, he's probably running out of fuel soon, so God knows if he'll ever make it back here.
"Well, you're right about one of those things," Carla sweatdropped.
(Vegeta's spaceship crash-lands in Capsule Corporation)
VEGETA: I'm back, bitches!
"Get ready to meet Gajeel's favorite," Levy whispered to Rouge. The Shadow slayer's ears perked up at the info.
"He's not my favorite!"
Levy ignored him and continued talking. "I'm kinda jealous, because Gajeel just spends a lot of the time in front of the mirror quoting Vege-"
"SHUT IT LEVY!"
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(cut to Bulma, Yamcha, Puar, and Mrs. Briefs in front of Vegeta spaceship)
MRS. BRIEFS: Sweetie, roll out the cot! I think we have a visitor!
"And I doubt he'll be leaving again," Mira smiled to herself.
(Vegeta begins to exit the spaceship)
DR. BRIEFS: (off-screen) Is he colored?
"Ignoring the racism, he is part alien," Jellal answered.
MRS. BRIEFS: I'm not sure, I never open my eyes!
"I've glued my eyes shut before," Natsu thought back to his childhood.
YAMCHA: Hey! You've got a lot of nerve coming back here!
"Could say the same about you, but Bulma's already made that apparent," Freed shot back.
VEGETA: Oh, a valet. Neat. I'm not tipping.
"Seems space hasn't lessened his asshole tendencies," Macao sweatdropped.
YAMCHA: Don't you remember who I am? We fought when you landed on Earth!
"You died to a Saibaman. This is the first time the two of you have ever conversed," Levy deadpanned.
"So, he didn't even fight the main opposition?" Minerva asked.
"No, he didn't even get to fight. He died the exact moment he arrived," Erza explained.
"Hmph, pathetic," Minerva chuckled.
VEGETA: No, I fought Kakarot- Nappa fought everyone else. Well, except for that one scrub who got killed by a Saiba- (stops himself and remembers who Yamcha is and begins to laugh hysterically)
Minerva joined in on the laughter.
YAMCHA: Oh, yeah!? I dare you to come over here and laugh at me!
(Vegeta lands right in front of Yamcha's face)
"Not so tough now, huh?" Gajeel snickered.
"Don't bite off more you can chew," Makarov shook his head in disappointment.
VEGETA: Ha. Ha. Ha.
YAMCHA: (nervously) Yeah, see, now we can laugh together.
"Don't piss yourself now," Bickslow giggled with his babies.
BULMA: Okay, seriously, we have enough to clean up without a pool of Yamcha's urine. You, come with me.
"Ooooo!" Mira, Lisanna, and Juvia giggle together.
VEGETA: What? Why?
BULMA: Because you need a shower; I could smell you from East City.
"Probably smells like Natsu everyday," Lucy grumbled.
"I don't smell that bad Lucy," Natsu whined.
"You smell worse than a burning corpse in expired fish, Natsu," Happy responded.
"WHY DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SMELLS LIKE!?"
VEGETA: (starts muttering to himself) ...smell you from East City... (continues muttering)
"I'm sure Bulma smells wonderful," Wendy imagined.
YAMCHA: (thinking) Yeah, you better run…
"Say it to his face why don't ya?" Macao laughed.
"Preferably with clean pants!" Wakaba joined his friend.
(cut to Vegeta taking a shower at Bulma's place)
BULMA: Hey, I'm setting out some new clothes for you and I'm gonna wash your armor!
"Oh come on! Show us more!" Cana drunkenly throws a bottle at the screen. Wendy, Lucy, Juvia, Yukino, Lisanna, and Meredy blushed; Turning their eyes from the nude saiyan male. The other women looked at the scene either used to seeing naked males or were perverted enough.
The men were unbothered besides the perverts who wanted to see naked women.
VEGETA: Fine, but be careful! Those are dry-clean only!
BULMA: Whatever! (puts Vegeta's jumpsuit in the washer)
"You have to give armor the proper care or else they become unusable!" Erza berated Bulma's carelessness.
VEGETA: No, seriously! They lose their elasticity! (Bulma is already gone) Hello?
(cut to the balcony)
KRILLIN: So, Vegeta's living here now? That's neat.
"Where do you live?" Meredy asked.
"With a perverted turtle hermit," Gray answered.
YAMCHA: The man single-handedly responsible for murdering most of the entire gang is taking a shower in the other room. "Neat" is not the first word that comes to mind.
"Again, that was Nappa. Vegeta didn't kill anyone on Earth," Levy corrected.
BULMA: Okay, so I just got a look at Vegeta's ass, and besides being surprisingly nice.
"Another point for Vegebul!" The love trio shouted.
"You guys are really committed to this," Evergreen sweatdropped.
"Of course! Romance is always a beautiful subject!" Mira swayed.
"Just like the romance between my Gray and I," Juvia hugged Gray tighter.
BULMA: he's got this weird hole.
"His butthole?" Natsu asked, aloud. His question disgusted everyone around him.
"No dumbass! The spot his tail used to be!" Gray yelled.
"What did you call me, Ice-Shit!"
"You heard me, Fire-Crotch!"
"If you two don't shut up, then I'll break you in half!" Erza threatened. Making the boys sit down.
YAMCHA: Uh, yeah. Even boys have those, Bulma.
BULMA: No, you idiot! I mean a hole above that one!
YAMCHA: ...You mean he's a chick?
"Dumbass," Laxus insulted.
VEGETA: (from inside the shower) Earth Woman! Where's the cleansing powder?
"The what?" Romeo asked.
BULMA: We don't have that here. We have soap.
VEGETA: (from inside the shower) The hell is soap?
"How do you not know what soap is?" Kagura raised an eyebrow.
"Seems not everyone in space uses the same terminology as us," Jellal answered.
BULMA: It's that yellow block there made of animal fat.
VEGETA: (from inside the shower) That sounds awesome ! (takes a bite and then splutters) This tastes nothing like what you just said!
"Why was eating it your first instinct!?" Lucy was baffled.
"I did that," Natsu told her.
"Nobody is surprised and I'm sure Goku did the same," She deadpanned.
YAMCHA: Okay, I changed my mind, this is pretty neat.
VEGETA: (from inside the shower) Is that the beta-male?
Everyone spat out their drinks in laughter.
BULMA: No, Krillin just got here!
"Damn, she doesn't hold back," Sting whistled.
VEGETA: (from inside the shower) Oh, God, they're breeding! I swear, the only thing I hate more than weaklings is the color pink! (is heard turning off the shower and getting out before noticing the new set of clothes Bulma left for him) AAAAAAAAHHHHH!
The laughter increased even more at Vegeta's screaming.
(cut to King Cold's ship approaching Earth)
KING COLD: There it is; the home of the brute who dared laid hands on my darling little angel.
"Oh! We're finally advancing with the plot," Levy grinned.
FRIEZA: Yes, daddy.
"Frieza's looking more metal than before," Gajeel observed.
"Yeah! Like, a Mecha-Frieza!" Natsu exclaimed.
"That's the dumbest thing I've eve-
"Mecha-Frieza it is then!" Levy wrote down the name into her notes. Gajeel pouted from being cut off.
KING COLD: What a pretty little blue pearl it is. What was it called? Ee-arth?
"Ee-arthland," Millianna copied, giggling.
FRIEZA: Actually, it's pronounced Earth, daddy-daddy-daddy-daddy. (shorts out on one ear)
"That's some patchy work there, Mecha-Frieza," Sting mocked.
KING COLD: Really? But there's an "a" in it. I'm just going to keep calling it Ee-arth.
"But you added two e's," Wendy pointed out, confused.
FRIEZA: It doesn't really matter anyway. Soon, it will have a brand-new name: Vacant Lot.
"Because he plans to kill everyone," Happy said.
"Yeah, we totally couldn't guess that," Carla, rolled her eyes.
(cut back to the balcony on Earth)
VEGETA: Son of a bitch!
YAMCHA: What, still ticked off about the shirt?
"Without a doubt," Gajeel responded.
VEGETA: No, I'm-well, yes actually, I'm absolutely livid-but that's not the point! That idiot Kakarot failed! Frieza's still alive!
"And I'm still asking how he survived a planet explosion while being half-dead," Levy huffed.
(cut to Tien and Chiaotzu in the wilderness)
TIEN: Chiaotzu, do you feel that? There are two enormous power levels approaching the planet!
CHIAOTZU: Yeah, see... Last time this happened, I blew myself up.
"Try not to do that this time," Lisanna warned.
TIEN: Yeah, I was gonna ask you to hold off on that this time.
(cut to Piccolo destroying some glaciers)
NAIL: (See, now we just have to carve out an area, and then we'll start building the- hey, do you feel that?)
PICCOLO: Frieza?! NOOOOOOOOOO!
"Gonna have to hold off on that house construction," Lily said.
NAIL: (Okay, I'm right here- please stop yelling!)
"Stop hurting Nail's ears," Mira frowned.
(cut to Gohan at his house on the phone with Krillin)
KRILLIN: (over the phone) Oh, God, Gohan, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him!
"PTSD is a real pain for most," Jellal sighed.
GOHAN: Krillin, calm down! Now, are you sure it's him?
"Gohan, you've fought the guy. You should definitely recognize his energy," Erza spoke.
(shifts to Krillin on the phone at Kame House)
KRILLIN: Gohan, once you've had a man inside of you, you know when he's coming!
"Change your phrasing!" Lucy yelled and Cana laughed loudly.
(shifts back Gohan at his house)
GOHAN: Mom, where's my Saiyan suit?
(cut to Vegeta at Bulma's place)
VEGETA: Woman, where is my Saiyan suit?
(back to Gohan's)
CHI-CHI: (off-screen) It's under your bed!
GOHAN: Thank you! (puts on his armor)
(back Vegeta)
BULMA: (off-screen) It's in the wash!
VEGETA: You bitch!
"Why did you expect her to listen to you?" Gray asked, the Prince.
"Bulma is a free spirited woman!" Kagura supported.
(cut to Gohan, Krillin, Vegeta, Yamcha, Tien, and Chiaotzu all flying off and arriving at the spot where Freeza is expected to land)
VEGETA: All right, judging by how quickly his power level is closing in, he should be here in about...
YAMCHA: Hey, so I need to talk to you about Bulma.
"This is not the time," Yukino frowned.
VEGETA: You cannot be serious!
YAMCHA: Look, we're not dating anymore, but still, she's a really close friend and-
"Time and place, Yamcha!" Makarov disapproved.
"You're all about to get killed, there will be a better time for this," Gildarts also disapproved.
VEGETA: You are actually doing this right now?
(Bulma arrives at the area)
BULMA: Hey, guys!
"Why is she here?" Laxus said, exasperated.
"You'd think she'd learn from Namek, but she's stubborn as a bull," Freed sighed.
"Just like Vegeta!" Juvia sang.
VEGETA: Oh, great, and she's here, too! Why don't all you idiots just start showing up?
KRILLIN: Hey, Vegeta!
VEGETA: (off-screen) I was f**king kidding!
"That's why you should watch what you say," Lucy wagged her finger.
(Tien and Chiaotzu arrive at the area)
YAMCHA: Tenshinhan! Chiaotzu!
TIEN: Huh. Looks like we got here in time. Oh, hey. Vegeta.
VEGETA: What?
TIEN: Nice shirt.
"Hm...now that I think about it. That is a nice shirt, I'll get you one Gajeel," Levy smiled, evilly.
"Huh!? I don't need something like that!"
"Gajeel in a pink shirt would be hilarious!" Natsu laughed.
"You have pink hair, you dumbass!" Gajeel roared back.
"IT'S SALMON YOU ASSHOLE!"
VEGETA: And there it is! Now all we need is the Namekian and we'll have the whole Potpourri of Pathetic.
"Then what does that make you?" Lisanna asked.
"A 'bad man'," Cana smirked.
PICCOLO: Uh, been here the whole time, actually.
VEGETA: Oh, what do you want, a medal?
PICCOLO: Nice shirt.
VEGETA: Kiss my ass, green man!
"I can see why he's Gajeel's favorite," Rouge tries to stifle his laughter.
"He's not my favorite!"
PICCOLO: Yeah, it's the kind of shirt that really screams- *gasps* He's coming!
"Is that supposed to be an innuendo or…?" Macao trailed off.
(Frieza's ship is seen arriving on Earth, flying above the group, and starts landing a far distance away from everyone)
KRILLIN: He's landing over there!
(the ship is seen backing up)
PICCOLO: Wait, now he's pulling back!
(the ship is seen moving forward)
"Parking troubles, every adult's nightmare," Wakaba rubs his forehead.
"They're in an open wasteland. Why are they having issues?" Romeo questioned.
KRILLIN: No, now he's...going back that way... (the ship keeps going back and forth) What's he doing?
(cut over to the ship landing in an area)
FRIEZA: Daddy, we can park anywhere we want!
"Agreed!" Romeo exclaimed.
KING COLD: Now, son, if this is anything like that jockstrap incident, we don't want to get boxed in.
"I still don't want to know," Lucy gagged.
(back over at the group)
KRILLIN: So has anyone else noticed that there are two power levels around the same strength on that ship?
VEGETA: Yeah, it's probably his dad.
YAMCHA: He has a father?!
"Everyone has a father," Makarov said.
PICCOLO: Makes sense. Everyone has a dad... 'Cept me.
"Oh," Wendy felt bad for the Namekian.
VEGETA: Ha! Your dad's dead!
"So, is yours," Erza said, disgusted at the behavior.
"He doesn't care," Laxus told her.
PICCOLO: So's yours.
VEGETA: Ha!
GOHAN: So, essentially, we have two opponents of equal strength that my father could only beat after fulfilling an ancient alien prophecy. Does anyone in particular know exactly what they're doing here besides trying not to LOSE IT?
"Unless Vegeta goes Super Saiyan or Goku suddenly appears, then yeah you're all dead," Freed spoke, gravely.
"Why not Gohan going Super Saiyan?" Mira asked him.
"I doubt he's strong enough," Freed answered. He regretted those words as he felt Mira's dark aura directed at him.
YAMCHA: (completely loses it) Guys, we are so screwed! I don't know what we're gonna do! I mean, this is completely crazy! Why did I come here again? We're going to die! (continues breaking down off-screen while the camera goes over to Gohan, Krillin, and Bulma's ) I'm gonna die again! I don't wanna die again! Once was bad enough! Oh, my God...!
"Krillin's died twice, and he's not freaking out. Get a grip man!" Gray yelled, annoyed with Yamcha's rant.
KRILLIN: You know, if he weren't doing it, I would.
"At least you aren't," Laxus was thankful.
VEGETA: We don't need Kakarot or anyone else. You have enough badass Saiyan on your team as it is.
"Can you go Super Saiyan?" Freed asked, already knowing the answer.
VEGETA: Now, if you'll excuse me, you can all just sit on your hands while I go up there and take care of business. (the back of his pink shirt says "Juicy")
"Did his shirt just change words?" Kagura pointed.
"Wish my shirts could do that," Gildarts grumbled.
GOHAN: Or, maybe we could hide our power levels, sneak closer to them, survey the situation from up close, and perhaps catch them by surprise?
"My smart little boy," Mira cooed, happily.
VEGETA: (faces away from Gohan) Y'all are bitches.
"Says the little bitch himself," Gajeel called back to Namek.
(cut over at King Cold's ship)
KING COLD: Well, son, is this what you were expecting?
FRIEZA: My God, this is droll. We're so far out in the space sti-ti-ti-ti-ticks... There's not even a Space Radio Shack... Much less a Space Best Buy-Buy-Buy-Buy- (shorts out) Circuit City.
"Seriously, somebody needs to fix him," Sting said.
KING COLD: Are you all right?
"He's never been all right," Bickslow responded.
FRIEZA: Yes, daddy. Just processing.
KING COLD: And wouldn't you know it, no place to buy more RAM!
FRIEZA: But I won't lie, daddy. I'm absolutely ecstatic. When that filthy monkey arrives back on the planet, he'll return not to the smiling faces of his dear friends and family, but a total, unadulterated genocide!
Natsu growled at Frieza's words.
FRIEZA: Speaking of which, soldiers, the scavenger hunt will proceed as such: normal human heads are worth one point, Namekian heads are worth twenty, filthy half-Saiyan brats- fifty. And if you find any miserable, odious, insubordinate, full-blooded monkey garbage...you win! Well, off you go!
The mages all felt disgusted at Frieza's willingness to turn genocide into a sport.
KING COLD'S MEN: Yes, sir!
(a couple of King Cold's soldiers move out only to get cut down by a mysterious young man who floats down and lands in front Frieza, King Cold, and the rest of King Cold's men before sheathing his sword)
YOUNG MAN: So, how many points are those?
The entire guild sits in stunned silence at the scene before them before erupting into noises.
"THAT WAS SO FREAKING COOL!" Natsu, Sting, and Romeo cheered.
"That's not Goku," Freed pointed out the obvious.
"The question remains of who this young man is," Levy pondered.
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
YAMCHA: Oh, my God, guys! I don't know what we're gonna do here! I-I-I can't do anything! This is completely insane! I can- I'm talking completely, totally out-of-your-MIND insane! I mean, look at the- look at those guys! I mean, I can't see them, but I can know they're there, and that's bad enough! I, I, d- oh, g- there it goes- there it goes, my pants! I can't believe- my pants are moist now! I mean, no, no, no, I'm a man. I'm a ma- OH GOD, I'M NOT A MAN ANYMORE! What does it matter if I'm a man, a woman, a monkey... *laughs* I'm talking nonsense right now…
"I'd wish you shut up," Minerva growled, annoyed.
FAULERRO: That literally dissolved into nonsense.
"Everything he says is nonsense," Laxus grumbled.
Chapter End