According to her list, Bess needed to arrive at her morning Defense lesson just before the bell rang, so, after leaving Grace and Lucy at the library, she walked towards the class slowly. She knew that Felix wasn't helping her really, since she was no longer under its influence, but just the idea of her list made her happy and more confident. It was like it was taking the worry and planning out of her day, and giving her something to stick to.
When she arrived at the room she headed to the front and sat down in her usual seat. Lily sent her a grateful smile as she unpacked her bag, and she chatted to the girls while they waited for their teacher to arrive. Since Professor Selket had died, they'd been in a rotation of teachers and substitutes until their new Professor started their post after Easter.
Each lesson was like a Hogwarts roulette. Bess guessed that they might have Professor McGonagall today, but smiled brightly as Jasper walked into the room. Ever so often he'd been sent to take their classes on another day, mainly when the Ministry needed a new 'we're taking care of your children,' angle to sell to the Daily Prophet, or when he needed to switch his days around to accommodate something at work.
"Right. Today we'll be cover-" Jasper stopped in his tracks and stared at her. He frowned, moved his head back slightly, motioned towards his own forehead, and said, "did you cut your hair?" Bess nodded and beamed. Jasper dropped his hand, put his bag on the table as he shrugged off his coat and smiled. He checked his watch, waited a few seconds, and then said, "looks good. Really hides your giant forehead."
Bess' mouth dropped into a gigantic 'o' shape as her friends and most of the class laughed. She was about to answer when the bell rang just a second after he'd finished talking, and he grinned.
"Right! Class has started. Please leave your gossip at the door!" he called over the ruckus. "Today we'll be continuing to cover shield charms!"
After the class, Jasper laughed at her again and she rolled her eyes. She had found it funny that he'd used one of her comments (that she had a five-head) against her, but she didn't want him to know that yet.
"Your forehead's not giant, and your hair really does suit you," Sirius whispered in her ear, engulfing her in his wonderful cologne. He was standing behind her, and she could feel his chest press gently against her back as he moved her hair away from her shoulder, his fingertips lightly brushing her neck. When she didn't pull away - she really didn't want to stop whatever this was - he leant in and whispered, "you look beautiful."
She tried to stop the shiver which ran down her spine, but couldn't. She sighed deeply, and he placed a slow, open mouthed kiss to her neck. When she gasped, he turned and walked away, leaving her suddenly cold and oh so drunk.
Stunned and finding it hard to breathe or think, it took Bess a moment to remember that she was meant to be packing up her bag. This must have been the 'charm angle' James had been reminding him about.
She was snapped out of her thoughts by Lily, who asked, "Library?" with a knowing smile on her face.
Bess nodded slowly and reminded herself that he'd broken up with her. She felt her blood begin to boil - she thought that he was playing with her, and decided that if this was some sort of prank, she'd kill him.
Things only got weirder, more confusing, and more heart-breaking for Bess from there.
During their double Potions class, where Bess continued to sit with the Hufflepuffs, James asked Slughorn if the class could have another whiff of Amortentia. He said he wanted to see if the article he'd read in The Potioneer, which indicated that the smells from the love potion could change over the course of six months, was true or not.
When the potion was brought out, Sirius loudly declared that it smelt the same for him and looked pointedly at Bess. She turned away, blushing, and avoided the Hufflepuff's interested looks. She also refused to answer if the potion smelt the same to her. It did.
Incredibly confused, Bess left class a minute early and hid in the girls' toilets near the Entrance Hall. After forty-five minutes her stomach growled and she decided to take another small drop of Felix to figure out what she should do next - head back to the dungeons and try to chat to Slughorn, or go to lunch. She'd already deviated from the list she'd made.
She knew she was wasting the potion, but figured that if anyone could brew some more it would be James, Lily, Euphemia or Fleamont. And using an hour's Felix Felicis to get a memory and gain back her confidence and sense of purpose seemed worth it. A voice in the back of her head asked if this was the addictive potion talking or herself, but she shook it away and took a tiny sip.
Again, a wondrous feeling flowed through her, and she almost ran to get to lunch. She walked straight past Sirius and sat down next to Merritt as she piled steak pie and mash onto her plate.
Bess just knew that she needed to eat something and stay silent.
Within a minute, James was calling over to Scott, who rolled his eyes and headed down the table to see what his captain wanted. As she shovelled food into her mouth, Bess watched Scott and James speak for a moment before Scott threw his head back and groaned.
When he returned to the group, Scott stared at Bess with an annoyed expression on his face and said, "Can you just talk to your boyfriend, please? Potter's just cancelled practice tonight because he needs to work out how to mend Black's heart, which is, and I quote, 'being stomped on by his perfect woman'."
Bess' mouth dropped open, but she knew she needed to remain silent. So she didn't stop Lucy and Grace from shooting death stares over to the Marauders who looked surprised at the reaction.
"How dare he?" Lucy asked.
"Exactly! Pretending like he wasn't the one who broke up with you?" Grace asked in an incredulous tone.
"Who broke up? I thought it was just an argument?" Merritt asked with his mouth full of jelly.
"I love you, but honestly, where have you been?" Lucy asked, rolling her eyes.
Bess said the first thing that came into her mind, "Well to be honest, he is clueless half the time..."
She thought for a moment she'd gone too far, but Scott snorted and said, "He's not the only one!"
"What d'you mean?" she asked with a frown.
Scott coughed. "Oh er, nothing. But Potter said it was just an argument and you were being stubborn or something."
"Yeah, I heard that too. Believed it until you told us this morning. Apparently they're going around shutting down anyone who might ask you out," Grace said with a shrug as Bartie winced.
"You alright?" Bess asked, and he nodded quickly. "Well, no. Unless-" the bell rang and cut her off.
She thought about going down to the dungeons again, but Felix directed her to attend her Charms class and so she did.
As the lesson started, just fifteen minutes before the potion wore off, Sirius asked Professor Flitwick if he knew of any spells which would help you concentrate.
Flitwick took the bait and asked him to elaborate. Sirius raised his voice so that the entire class could hear, and said that he was unable to concentrate on cleaning charms as he found himself constantly distracted by the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
From the chorus of 'awws' around her, Bess assumed he'd looked over at her again. Instead of responding physically or verbally, she followed Felix's instructions and kept her head down.
When Flitwick answered, saying that he didn't think so and querying if there was any way that he could just try to focus, Sirius replied with a, "Well I can't sir, because she just got this fringe cut in, and I can't stop staring at her..."
Bess screwed up her face, took in a deep breath and replied loudly, "I think you of all people should be taking furious notes on this, pup. No one's going to be picking up after you when we leave Hogwarts."
He grinned and replied with a, "Don't worry about that, love. I think you'll find I'm domesticated enough for us both."
James added, "I guess that's just what happens when you meet the right woman."
Continuing to follow the feeling of rightness she felt, she snapped her quill when she heard them high-five. While she looked for another one in her bag, she muttered under her breath, "oh, look at me, I'm so fucking awesome all the time. Whenever I wave my wand the magic's perfect. Blah blah blah. Doesn't mean you know how to pick up your bloody socks though, does it?"
Skye, who was sitting next to her, snorted and tried to hold back her laughter. Jo did nothing to hide hers.
Lily sighed and whispered, "Bess, he's trying."
"Yeah. Trying to get on my last nerve," Bess muttered, as she returned to her book. Felix told her to let her feelings show, and tears welled up in her eyes.
"He loves you. Talking to you didn't work so he's just trying to get your attention. James does it to me all the time," Lily whispered back.
Bess held out one hand, palm side up. "He loves me." She held up the other and looked at it. "Gets Remus to break up with me because he's too self-absorbed to do it himself." She mimed juggling while she whispered with a sob, "yeah, doesn't quite add up does it? Then again, maths might be different in the Wizarding world."
She ignored Lily's surprised and wide eyed look, and turned back to her work. She knew she just needed to keep her head down for a bit, and answer their questions. She only had about ten minutes of Felix left, but she knew this was exactly what she needed to be doing.
Her mouth dropped open for the umpteenth time that day when she realised that the potion wasn't helping her to get Slughorn's memories, it was helping her to finally open up and talk about Sirius. Of course! I wanted Slughorn's memory so I could get my confidence back. But I'm most confident when I'm with Sirius.
"Merlin Bess. He broke up with you?" Jo asked. "I thought you guys were just having an argument or something."
"Yeah, he did it while I was in the Hospital Wing," Bess whispered back absentmindedly, still thinking about Sirius.
Solstice, who was on the end of the line of girls, climbed over the table and crouched down in front of Bess, who sighed and dropped her quill as she asked, "What exactly did he say?"
"He barely said anything. He wouldn't even look at me. He got Remus to do it," Bess sighed, rubbing her face. "And it's not fair. He's on the charm offensive today and I think it's just because I cut my hair..."
"That does sound bad..." Jo said, reaching over to rub Bess' back. "What did Remus say?"
Bess frowned and tried to remember. It was all a blur of upset and anger. "Something about taking a step back, a break, and wanting me to be happy."
Solstice grimaced, Jo sucked in a breath, Mary gasped, Lily raised her eyebrows, and Skye said, "Oof."
"That bastard! Why's he been sending you notes and stuff then?" Jo asked.
Bess shrugged and wiped another tear from her face as she began to wonder why as well. Frowning, she slipped a hand into her bag and pulled out the mountain of notes. The girls continued to talk around her as she opened the first one and read:
I know I messed up, but I promise, I can explain.
The next said:
Meet me in the common room tonight? I just want to hold you.
"Bess... Are you sure he meant it like that...?" Mary asked slowly, and Bess frowned and looked up to see her friend holding one of the notes.
Mary handed it to Bess and she read:
Love, please just tell me how I can make this right? What do I have to do for you to forgive me?
"Mar, do I need to remind you how he broke up with me?" Solstice asked, ignoring Bess' look of horror. "I think the only difference here is he didn't say, 'it's not you, it's me.'"
Lily sucked in a deep breath and said, "I can't believe I listened to him. I felt sorry for him! I was going to try to convince you to forgive him! God, he's such an arse! They haven't changed at all, have they?"
"No! They have. I just- I think maybe I-" Bess whispered back, making frantic eye contact with Mary, who looked as shocked as Bess felt - Mary had continued to read the notes.
Lily shook her head. "No. This is them, not you..." she said as she ripped off a piece of parchment and begin writing furiously, ignoring Bess as she tried to stop her.
As Lily folded the parchment note, there was a loud bang, and the class turned almost in unison to the large expanse of windows at the front of the classroom, watching as Professor Flitwick opened the window and Hermes flew straight over to James.
James removed four letters from around the bird's leg and handed one to each of his friends before opening his own. Flitwick's protestations fell on deaf ears as the boys read, and he quickly gave up, turning to speak to a few Ravenclaws who were still doing their assigned reading. The rest of the class was either watching Bess or Sirius.
Bess turned her head slightly so that they wouldn't see her looking, and watched the boys through her hair as Jo continued to rub her back and the girls spoke to her in hushed tones, the notes forgotten on her desk.
Peter finished his letter first and beamed down at it. Bess assumed he'd been let off any angry words as he still didn't really understand what was happening.
Remus finished next, gulping and paling as he placed his letter on the table and waited for his friends to read theirs. James and Sirius, who seemed to have even longer letters, finished at the same time.
James tried to say something to Sirius, but Sirius shook his head, crossed his arms, and stared at the table in front of him. His usual demeanour changing in an instant from laid back to determined and focussed.
Bess felt another tear fall and wiped it away as she sniffed, the feeling of Felix Felicis and its confidence slowly seeping away. The tear was just leftover from her sadness before, but as Solstice and Jo crowded around her again, she realised they thought she was still incredibly upset. "I'm so sorry. I'm never like this..."
"I only dated him for a month and it took me six to get over the breakup. Cry all you want!" Solstice said, shooting a pointed and angry look over to the boys. Bess watched through her hair again as Sirius glanced in their direction, nodded at something James said, and picked up his quill.
Acting on instinct, and with the last minute feeling of Felix, Bess raised her hand and asked if she could go to the loo. Flitwick, who seemed completely done with the class, simply nodded.
She expected Sirius to follow her and was planning out what she was going to say, but was surprised when she heard a shout behind her and it wasn't him.
"He really does love you..."
"Peter?" she asked as she turned around.
"We uh- I just want you to know that Sirius does love you. And he misses you," he said quietly, wringing his hands together as he stared at a piece of wall next to her head.
"Why're you telling me this?" Bess asked in a confused and breathless tone.
"Because... I- I really think you need to talk to him. It's not just affecting you two anymore, it's like the whole school can't stop talking about it and honestly it's getting dangerous. I ended up with a broken nose on Saturday morning..." he said with a wince as he reached up to rub the bridge of his nose.
"What? Why?" Bess cried, stepping forwards and making eye contact with Peter.
"If you ask Sirius, I was in the way. But the truth is, he was too busy staring at you as we headed to our Apparition lesson to realise two fundamental things. One, I was right in front of him, and two, we were right by the stairs."
"Oh my god, Peter! No!" Bess cried again, a shocked smile on her face as she covered her mouth with her hand.
Peter chuckled and nodded. "Yeah. Ended up sprawled outside the main doors, blood just," he cut off to mime spurting from his nose and grinned as Bess tried to conceal her laughter, "and then he blamed me for dodging in front of him!"
"Oh Pete, I'm so so sorry!" Bess said, and without thinking, she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him into a tight hug.
She couldn't help it - she'd gained a small soft spot for the boy, having spent months around him, and now felt touched that he'd run after her to try and convince her to give his friend another chance. She didn't trust him, but thought that maybe there was a chance for her to stop him from becoming a traitor.
When she pulled away, he was blushing.
"But why're you telling me this? I always thought you didn't like me that much..." she asked.
"Yeah, well, I thought you didn't like me after the rat thing, and then you always seemed so standoffish with me even when I was trying... but Sirius told me it was your idea to invite me to your duelling sessions? And you keep trying to make him spend more time with us, and... I don't know. I realised that maybe you just don't know me as well as the others and that's on me as well... I can be... quiet? Nervous?"
"Same," Bess whispered, and Peter smiled at her.
"And oddly enough, James' mum said it needed to be me who spoke to you since I think I'm the only one who you don't hate right now."
"I don't hate any of them. That's the problem..." Bess replied, kicking the floor slightly. "When Sirius broke up with me, I..."
"He wasn't breaking up with you though. That's the thing! I think it's all just a giant misunderstanding!" Peter cried, nodding enthusiastically, an excited look on his face.
"I- I don't... See, I'm beginning to realise that... But I don't understand..." Bess said quietly, looking down at her hands as Peter bounced up and down with excitement.
"Well, James said that you fell down the stairs or something and hit your head?" he asked, and Bess nodded. "Well, you'd need Sirius more while you recovered, right? That's what boyfriends do, isn't it? Take care of their girlfriends?" Bess nodded again and he continued, "so we all agreed to change our rules for a few weeks. Just until Easter break so Sirius could spend all his free time with you and help you recover!"
"Wait. But why?"
"Your head injury was really bad, so bad that Sirius had to take you to the Hospital Wing, but he felt awful about it. Really terrible. Kept saying he knew you didn't want that to happen but he couldn't see any other way. I haven't seen him like that since you fell down that hill because he-" he stopped himself and turned a little red. "O- or when I transfigured that rat..."
Bess felt a unease rise in her as she listened to him and she realised that he was over the moon that he was the one telling her this information. As if he thought he was going up in her estimations by revealing everything. But she shoved that feeling down.
"What?" she asked quickly.
"Yeah! When we found you it was really bad," he said. "Loads of blood. Loads."
Bess frowned as she realised he was lying to her - she knew he wasn't there when she got her injury. But she didn't say anything. Again, now wasn't the time.
Peter continued, "And then you woke up and sent Sirius that note. He was so scared you were mad at him so we went with him, but he forgot chocolate and your cassette player so I went back to get them," he said proudly. "I told them not to talk to you about big stuff when you'd just woken up. That's always when I'm at my most disorientated," he whispered with a nod, "but they still did, and then all this started..." he shrugged.
"Oh."
"Yeah! Pretty weird, huh?" he asked with a gigantic grin, still bouncing up and down. "So, uh- talk to him, okay?"
"Uh- yeah... yeah I will," Bess said, feeling incredibly stupid now. "Thanks, Peter," she whispered.
"No problem. Happy to help," he said with a grin, and performed a mini bow before he headed back into the classroom.
Bess smiled to herself as she turned back around and walked towards the toilets for a nervous wee.
A couple of minutes later, as she was washing her hands, she stared into the mirror and wondered how it had got to this - how had she managed to eff it all up so monumentally? And how was she going to sort it all out?
In the end, she didn't have to make the first move, as Sirius was waiting in the middle of the hallway when she exited the bathroom.
Bess gulped, and Sirius stared at her for a long time.
"Sirius," she whispered as she made a move to walk forwards, but Sirius held out a hand to stop her.
"Please hear me out?" he asked quietly. She nodded. "James told me I should prepare some stupid speech and make you listen to it last week, but obviously that's not me, so I didn't. And now I'm kicking myself because he was right. So, it's all rough, but here goes."
Bess' eyes widened, "No, it's okay," she said, waving her hands around.
"No, Bess, no it's not. Just listen to me, okay?"
She pursed her lips together in surprise as he began to speak.
"I need you to know how much you've affected me. I was an idiot before I met you. I think all sixteen year old boys are... And then almost a year ago you bounced into my life and turned it upside down. That bloody green dress and that smile changed everything. I don't think I realised how much I was missing until you showed me. I didn't know I was missing you.
"My whole life, the only people who've come close to understanding me were James, Remus and Peter. And even then, they had no idea. But you... You've accepted me in a way I never thought someone would. You've understood me in a way I never thought someone would. You've loved me in a way I only ever dreamt someone could. You are the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about at night. If you're frowning, I want to know why. If you're upset, I want to know how I can help. If you're happy, I want to know how to keep you that way.
"You're... you're like Amortentia. I've had a sniff and I just can't stop getting closer and closer to that cauldron. And if I'm not careful I'm going to dive head first into it and not resurface. But I don't care.
"And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I let you fall and you got hurt. I'm so sorry I stupefied you. And I'm so sorry I let James and Remus talk to you about a break, because I was too stupid to think you would take it the wrong way, even though thinking back, if I was in your position that's exactly how I would have taken it..." he paused for a moment and took in a deep breath. "I know you've never asked anything of me," he said, and threw his head back to look at the ceiling for a moment as he said, "Merlin, I gave you three wishes as your birthday present, and it's been what, five, six months?" he looked back at her, "and you haven't used one.
"But I have to be selfish, and I have to ask you to do something for me. Please, please don't walk away from me. Don't walk away from us. Please take me back. I know I don't deserve you, but I promise I'm trying." He frowned at her, and hit his hands together. "I will wait for you. For as long as it takes for you to decide what you want to do next, whether that's take me back, or- or..." he trailed off and clenched his jaw. Finally, he sighed, and said, "because what I want in this world is right in front of me. And... and I can't just let you go because I was being an idiot. I just can't."
Bess waited for a moment to make sure he'd really finished his speech before she whispered, "I'm so sorry."
She watched Sirius' face fall. He looked as though he wanted to cry, but as soon as he did, she saw his mask slip on, and he nodded and said, "Well, it's always worth a shot," as he took a couple of steps backwards, staring at her as if trying to take a mental picture of her while he still could.
"Wait. No. I didn't mean it like that!" Bess cried, lunging forwards and curling her hand around his bicep. "At the Hospital Wing, I assumed you were breaking up with me. And assumptions make an ass out of you and me, I know that! But I didn't- Ugh. I'm so sorry that I didn't give you the space to explain. That wasn't fair of me at all, because that's what I asked of you. Do- do you remember? After you kissed Natalie Fallows at the-"
"Please don't remind me," he whispered, his mask slipping off again to show his hopeful expression as he stepped forwards and placed one hand on her waist, the other coming to cup her jaw as his thumb rubbed across her cheek gently.
"Yeah, well... I asked you to treat me with respect, and not just jump to conclusions and throw me away. But that's what I did to you..." she sighed as Sirius leant in and rubbed his nose against hers.
"Go on," he whispered as he trailed kisses across her cheek.
"T-That's what I've done," she stammered. "If- if anyone doesn't deserve anyone else, it's me who doesn't deserve you. Y- you've been trying for a week, and I've just been pushing you away..." She didn't know how she was able to say so much with him being so close to her. A week without him had felt like years.
Sirius smiled as he stopped his kisses and gently moved his thumb across Bess' bottom lip as he stared at her mouth. "I forced you to have a vision and then inferred we were over, and you're telling me that you made a mistake... how does that add up?" he asked, before his gaze flicked to hers.
"I don't know," Bess whispered, blinking lazily as Sirius moved closer still. "But, but it was my fault as well. I've been too wrapped up in my own death to take a step back from my emotions and just talk to you."
"It's okay, love, it's okay," Sirius whispered as he rubbed his nose against hers again. "You're mine, and I'm yours. Right?"
Bess felt tipsy, being so close to him, his smell wrapping around her, his lips so close to hers. She gasped in a breath and swallowed thickly.
She parted her lips and sighed as she closed her eyes and moved her head forwards, her hands clutching at his shirt.
"Right?" he whispered again, his mouth just centimetres against hers, his breath fanning across her face, filling her senses.
"Right."
Finally, he kissed her. It felt like she had been underwater for weeks and was only just coming up for air as his lips moved against hers so solidly, so slowly, guiding her to the surface, bringing her back to life. She leaned into the kiss, bringing her arms around his shoulders as she tried to meld herself to his body. He groaned and she felt his tongue swipe across her lower lip. Bess opened her mouth more and his tongue slipped in, gently flicking against hers. His hand, which had been on her waist, moved to her lower back and he guided her even closer as his other hand moved to the back of her neck, holding her to him as he kissed her passionately.
She felt drunk, unable to concentrate on anything apart from him. She never wanted the kiss to end.
But it did. And suddenly.
Sirius pulled back and Bess opened her eyes slightly, her gaze still unfocussed as she tried to pull him back down but he resisted.
"Sirius," she whispered, "more, please?"
"Bess."
"Yes my love?"
"What do you mean 'your own death'?"
Bess' eyes shot open this time, and it felt as though a bucket of water had been tipped over her head as she saw a look on Sirius' face which she'd never seen before - not when he'd seen his mother on the platform at Christmas, not when she'd been shoved by Regulus, not even when he'd found out how he and his friends would have died without Bess' help.
He looked terrified.
A/N:
"(Here comes the general) The moment you've been waiting for!" - can't get this line out of my head - it's from Hamilton. Mainly because they're talking again, yay! And thank god, because they're now only 4 days away from Easter break... : /
Thank you to those who left reviews - CharlotteGryffindor, Guest - (letters! You got it again!), Ghost Claw 001, AvalonRivers, and HorseGirl16.
And thank you to everyone reading, reviewing, following and favouriting!