The brunette shifted back on the couch and pulled the pillow into her lap, a sigh passing her lips as she studied the stained wood before her. Dr. Miriam Allen sat across from her, a notepad in hand and her eyes trained on the younger woman.
"I guess...I've cheated death a few too many times for my liking and now I'm just waiting for it to come. For the longest time I kept thinking, finally, maybe this time is it. But now I have the team and Eddie and Chris and...I don't want to die. And that scares me so much."
"Why does it scare you? Shouldn't you be happy?"
"I should, right? So why don't I feel that? Now I just have this crushing weight when I go into the field or when I send them off. And...and I can't say it."
"Say what? That you're feeling this way?"
"No, I can't say the words. Because I feel like every time I've said them, that's been their death sentence."
"Mariana, you can't control how the world works. You can't control who lives and who dies. And that just might be the hardest part of life. When you say you feel that way towards him, what do you mean?"
"When I look at Eddie and Chris, I see the future. I never saw that before."
"Because you were too busy letting your past hold on to you."
/
"So you still haven't heard anything from the chief about Hen?" Buck asked as he joined them in the living room area of the firehouse. Mariana leaned against Eddie, her eyes fixed on the TV but her ears tuned into the conversation.
"I would tell you if they made a ruling, Buck, but they haven't," Bobby sighed.
"Shouldn't the investigators be done by now?" Chimney pointed out. "We all know it was an accident."
"I saw her yesterday," Eddie announced. "Was on my way into Frank's and ran into her outside the building. She seemed okay. Just...sad."
"That's a given. I was torn up for months after I got into that crash," Mariana added, pulling her gaze away from the news so she could look at the others.
"Yeah, can't blame her for that," Bobby muttered.
"Or for anything," Chimney argued.
"How was therapy with Frank? Haven't seen him in a while," Buck changed the subject.
"Seems good, but I'm not really sure he and I are...clicking."
"I would recommend Miriam but she's mine and that's a conflict of interest," Mariana hummed.
"You should try talking to Rosemary. I went to her after the stabbing, she was great."
"Eh, she cared a little too much about my life story," Mariana shot back at Chimney. "I think she wanted to write the next great psychology text on my life story."
"Is she the one I slept with?"
"No! She doesn't work for the department anymore."
"She used you at a vulnerable time and manipulated your addiction, okay?"
"You slept with your therapist?" Eddie chuckled. His girlfriend lightly smacked his chest, a warning look on her face.
"Yeah, I was uh going through a phase. Hey, didn't you just go through one of those?"
"Evan!" "Yeah, yeah."
"See, I've never slept with a therapist or had a phase so clearly, I'm the favorite child," Mari crowed.
"You really have never had a phase?"
"Oh fuck off Evan, it was before I joined the house."
"Hey hey everybody!" Athena called, ceasing the argument that was about to break out. "Just thought I'd stop by and see if there's any word on our girl."
"You talk to her?" Chimney asked.
"Well I tried but all she wants to talk about is-" "the girl. Yeah, I got that too."
"Aw, May just sent me a copy of her college essay," Athena announced.
"She emailed it to you?" Bobby asked.
"I guess she was too nervous to watch me read it in person."
"I remember the drama when my sisters were applying to college. I think that's half the reason why I decided to join the army," Eddie drawled out.
"Remind me to help Christopher write his essay when the time comes," Mariana hummed as she stood up. "I gotta go do my mid shift truck check."
Eddie missed what Bobby said after that, his eyes following his girlfriend down the stairs as her words ran through his mind. When the time comes. A warm, tight feeling spread in his chest. He didn't doubt her for a second when she said that.
/
Before the door could shut in her face, Mariana wedged her shoe and pushed it back open. She levelled Henrietta with her best "scary Mari" glare and crossed her arms.
"I don't want to talk about it," the older woman bit out.
"Then don't talk. Just listen."
Hen reluctantly let her in and Mariana easily made herself at home on the couch, staring up expectantly at her friend. Hen sighed and sat next to her, refusing to meet the brunette's eyes. Mariana leaned back and stared at the ceiling as she spoke.
"I know how you feel. Better than the others do."
"It's different," Hen retorted.
"It's entirely the same. It feels as though no matter the circumstances, no matter how many times people placate you or try to make excuses for what happened, you still hit that car and she still died. They give you other excuses or examples for what happened, but you know only one fact to be true, right? That you hit the car and she died."
The younger woman turned her head so she could look at her friend and gently touched Hen's hand. Hen sucked in a shuddering, gasping breath and shook her head.
"It's eating you alive, Hen. You have to take a breath before it drowns you."
"How?"
"She was a musician, but you already knew that. Donate some time and money to a music program at an inner city school. Sponsor a kid in the foster system. Do something. Turn your grief into action."
"That's why you work with all those folks."
Mariana nodded. "And I'll keep working with them because once the cloud passed, I realized that it made me feel good to finally do good. You're a good person, Hen. You just had something terrible happen to you. You can't let it take control of your life. You saw what it did to me."
Hen leaned her head against Mariana's shoulder and let out a broken sob. The younger woman wrapped her arms around her friend and just let her cry it out. Many people talked about the calm before the storm, but never the calm after the storm. It would come, maybe for all of them.
She really spoke too soon. It was the calm before, not after, that came.
"Cap, if that's magnesium, it's burning between 883 to 4400 degrees. We can't use fire for that," she announced as they entered the scene of the crash.
Her boyfriend, best friend, and dad all looked had the audacity to look at her with surprise and she rolled her eyes. "Contrary to popular belief, I passed the fire science section with departmental honors."
"Chim and Mari, you take that guy," Bobby ordered. The two paramedics hurried over and began their usual checks as quickly as possible. The longer they kept him here, the longer there was a chance for serious smoke inhalation.
"Bradycardic and pressure is dropping," Mariana announced. "Stabilize the neck and I'll start compressions."
Easy enough and soon they were out of the tunnel with the guy on a gurney just in time for Bobby to come over the radio.
"This is Captain Nash. Be advised. Be advised. This truck contains cobalt-60. Start evacuating this area and a three block radius and order all non-essential personnel outside the perimeter now."
"Fuck," the latina supplied as she looked back at the tunnel. "Nitrogen still isn't here. We need extinguishers. Hey! What's the status on hazmat?!"
"Delayed," a cop answered. "We're trying to get them through but the evacuation order blocked up traffic."
"Ameteur drivers," she scoffed. "Get me every fire extinguisher you can!"
"Chim! Mari! Where's hazmat and nitro?"
"Delayed 'cause of traffic. I'm working on getting extinguishers to slow it down."
"Cap, no hazmat or nitro," Buck reported into the radio. "We're coming back to you."
"Negative! Negative! Cobalt has ignited! We are at gamma radiation levels. I repeat, we are at gamma. Hold your positions. That especially means you too, Mariana."
As if he could sense her movements, the latina was already surging forward. Eddie wrapped his arms around her and dragged her back into his chest, ignoring her protests.
"Mariana! I need some help over here," Chimney shouted. She glanced between the tunnel and the kid on the gurney a conflicted look on her face.
"Go," Eddie told her, pointing her in the direction of Chimney.
"But-"
"He told you to stay here. Listen to him, babe." He released her and she shook her head before jogging over to Chimney to help stabilize the guy.
/
For someone who works in the hospital, Mariana was getting really fucking tired of being in one. She was seated out in the waiting room with a lukewarm cup of coffee gripped in her right hand as the left drummed fingers along her knee.
No one even fought her on coming to the hospital, knowing that she was the most stubborn, bull-headed person alive. The doctor was insistent on her waiting in the lobby with the excuse of "family only". They both knew it was because she would chew him up and spit him out until he gave her every last bit of medical information from the tests down to the very last decimal.
"Mari," Athena called her attention. The latina looked up at her mom and stood, scanning the woman's face for any emotion.
"How bad?"
"Not too bad. Just some cobalt in the urine and kidney enzymes are a bit low."
Mariana blew out her breath and shook her head. "So I get to bug the hell out of him every week until he shows me his results."
"Yeah, he said as much. C'mon, baby, you can see him now."
Mariana tossed the remnants of her coffee in the trash under the desk as they passed by the nurse's station. One of the new girls scoffed at her action and Mariana levelled her with her best glare. The girl quickly averted her eyes and focused on her paperwork.
Sometimes it was nice to know she still had it in her.
"I'll go call and update everyone," Athena whispered to Mariana as they neared the room. The brunette nodded and entered, finding Bobby laying back against the pillows with his eyes shut.
"Y'know, just because my abuela died of cancer doesn't mean you get to try it too," she stated bluntly.
His lips quirked up into a small smile and he patted the side of the bed. She easily sat next to him and grabbed the chart off the front of his bed. He easily plucked it out of her hands before she could read it.
"There's no reason for you to worry," he admonished.
"I always worry. It's in my blood," she quipped.
"Hey, c'mon. I'm fine."
"I'll believe it when I see it," she drawled as she reached out for the chart that he raised above his head. "As your nurse, I order you to give me the chart."
"You're not my nurse, you're my kid. Now stop it." His tone wasn't the usual captain voice, but something sharper but more impactful. Mariana sat back with a surprised expression, blinking at his tone.
"Since when did you get a dad voice down?" she snarked.
"Since I became a father to two fully grown adults," he replied dryly. "I've never had to use that tone until you and Buck came into my life."
"Well, you're welcome. What would you do without me?" The teasing sparkle in her eyes faded at her own question and her shoulders slumped slightly.
"Don't take what little hope I've been given and crush it," she whispered. "And don't you dare order me to stay behind ever again."
"I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe," he retorted sternly. "Because I am not only your captain but also your father and I love you."
Mariana opened her mouth to say something before she shut it and flung her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Bobby wrapped his arms around her, his eyes meeting his wife who stood in the doorway. Athena sent him a warm smile as she joined them, running her hand over Mariana's thick hair.
"Love you too," she muttered. "Love you both."