Chapter Forty-Nine - Internal Battles

Loki woke to a prickling in his forearm. He was cuddled up to Cami's back, the affected arm draped across her middle. He could feel her fingertips skimming along his scars, leaving a lingering tingle that penetrated deep into the sensitive flesh. Even with the unusual stimulation, Loki teetered on the edge of being fully awake and dozing off again.

"You're not tired?" he muttered against her curls.

"Not so much."

Her fingers continued to move up and down his arm intensifying the tingle until an entire section went numb. Loki rolled away, pulling back his arm to examine it. He clenched his fist and rubbed at the skin, but found nothing out of the usual aside from the lack of feeling.

"Sorry," Cami said with a sheepish cringe. "I could sense your energy. I was just stroking it a little."

Though the sensation returned to his arm, Loki thought, I might have to be careful what I let her stroke in the future.

Cami let out an unexpected snicker and buried her face in the pillow to smother giggles.

"Were you reading my mind?"

"No," she said, still carrying on.

With effort, he squelched the temptation to roll his eyes or demand that she stop her display. He decided it was worth her being in good spirits to feel a little foolish. He chose to head to the bathroom while she collected herself.

Cami caressed her stomach, looking contemplative when Loki climbed back into bed. "I wonder how long it will be until we know if it's a boy or girl." She held his hand against the area that had yet to show any discernible growth.

"I can usually tell around eleven or twelve weeks. You're a special case, of course." He focused, sending out his magic to investigate, which caused her to shriek, curl up and push away his hand.

She gasped and released a delayed chuckle. "That tickled."

Loki grinned at this admission and playfully pulled her back. "This will be fun." He straddled her thighs, sitting on them to help keep her down and pinned her hands to either side of her head.

Cami squealed and laughed a bit before quieting to take in some breaths. Her untamed locks tumbled comically around her face. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, but I must." He delighted in the mingling emotions in her eyes and the uncertainty of her smile. "You could try begging."

Her gaze hardened with resolve as she continued to squirm. "No way."

"Fine." Loki drew her hands up to secure them both in his left. Excitement coursed through him as he reached for the waistline of her pajama pants. His fingers curled around the material in a motion that felt eerily familiar and menacing. Then words fell from his lips that baffled and electrified him. "Now you can scream."

Terror flooded Cami's eyes and features. A white, blinding flash of energy pulsed out of her body, which hit and carried Loki off the bed. He landed heavily on the stone, groaning and holding his head. Foreign, yet vivid images of a blade stabbing and cutting into flesh flitted in his mind.

"You're him!" Cami cried. "You escaped." She rushed past, dodging his hand as he reached for her.

"No! No, I'm not. Cami, please?" He rolled over, pushing to his knees, but she'd fled. He sat on the floor and leaned against the footboard. The images lingered, just beneath the surface, and though he knew he had not perpetrated the assault, the perspective was that of the attacker.

Igus rushed into the room. "Your majesty, are you injured?"

"No." He felt disoriented, conflicted. "Summon the guards."

"What do I tell them?"

"I don't know. Just call them."

When the guards arrived, Thor was at the lead. He wore only a light tunic and pants as he'd likely been in bed with Jane when the call went out.

"Tell me she is safe," Loki pleaded when Thor dropped to one knee at his side and met his gaze. Minutes had passed, yet his heart still pounded in his chest.

"Jane has her," Thor promised. "I sent for Father. What happened?"

He shook his head. Words failed him. He didn't understand anything.

Thor hooked Loki under the arms, hoisting him to his feet and onto the chair at the study table.

The guards moved aside as Odin cleared the doorway. "Wait in the corridor," the king ordered and they shuffled out. Odin leaned close, speaking with urgency and care. "Loki, did you hurt her?"

"No. I scared her."

"What compelled you to do this?"

He didn't have the answers they sought. If Bad Loki had sent him those images, Cami's safety had to be their priority. Loki advised, "You have to put me in a cell."

"Wait," Thor interjected. "Gossip will spread through the Assembly if the guards march him down there. Let us not overreact."

Odin backed off with a weary sigh and called for Igus. "Please ask the queen and Jorn to join us."

"Yes, sire."

Loki cautiously rose from the chair, feeling weak and uncoordinated. "At least bind me, Father, while I have the desire to comply."

Odin looked reluctant, yet nodded. He said to Thor, "Dismiss the guards. Get dressed and bring us some manacles."

Loki was shackled by the time everyone gathered in his rooms. With more time to analyze, it wasn't as difficult for him to lay out the facts as he understood them.

"These images must have come from the double," Frigga insisted. "Loki wouldn't think of hurting her."

Jorn said, speaking in his more comfortable Elven, "I warned King Odin that I expected this to happen. The halves of his soul wish to mend themselves. They're bleeding into each other."

Thor stood in the doorway to the balcony, his arms crossed and frame tense. "What can be done?"

"Jahla spoke of rituals she performed on both men to lessen their connection and keep her control over them. She claims the double would start to lose focus over time while Loki grew braver, bolder and less compliant."

Loki didn't want to remember, but even attempting to push the memories away drudged up emotion. "Those rituals were frightening and painful."

Thor's agitation flared with Loki's distress. "Is there a way to separate them permanently?"

"I don't know," Jorn said. "I didn't believe splitting a soul was possible. Perhaps with more time to research, I could find something."

This answer did not appease him. "If the realms decide my brother is a threat, they could put him on trial."

Loki settled onto the edge of the bed. "Perhaps they should. I also played a part in these events, no matter how small."

Odin commanded, "You will not make that suggestion to anyone."

Refusing to meet the king's gaze or argue points with him, Loki stared at the floor.

Frigga went to him, sitting at his side to offer comfort. "I will speak with Cami."

"Tell Clint and Natasha," Loki suggested. "Fury too. S.H.I.E.L.D. should cut their ties now before this gets any messier."

Igus laid out a small feast for him in the dining room, but Loki felt too unsettled to eat. He spent hours pacing his rooms. He wouldn't let them remove the shackles, which interrupted the use of his magic. So, the clinking and clatter of the chains accompanied each measured step. He halted when he heard people moving through the sitting room. The queen, Clint and Natasha entered the bedroom.

"How is Cami?"

"She's rattled," Clint said, "but feeling better after Frigga's explanation."

Natasha inquired, gesturing to Loki's bindings, "Are those really necessary?"

"He wants to wear them," Frigga said with exasperation.

"Can I assume from the late hour," Loki asked, "that you've brought me other news?"

"The judges have been selected," Clint said. "We don't know most of them, but Rosner seems satisfied." He fidgeted a bit as he further disclosed, "There isn't a representative from Midgard or Asgard on the panel."

Natasha added with worry, "Ogalfus was chosen, and he's still a bit sore at us."

Loki frowned and held up his manacles. "Who knows about this?"

"Only our people," Clint promised. "It's really bad timing, and we just can't have this sort of thing going public. We'll put you under an informal house arrest while Jorn works the problem."

The queen reached for his bindings.

"I don't know," Loki admitted, pulling away from Frigga. "I need Cami safe."

"All of your interactions with her will be supervised," the queen promised.

"Fury agrees with this?"

Clint shrugged. "More or less. Your suggestion that he cut you loose kinda pissed him off."

"Anything else I need to know?"

Frigga freed his hands, cautiously reporting, "Farbauti has been asking to see you. Will you listen to what she has to say?"

Loki slumped. Every muscle in his neck and shoulders seemed to ache. "I can't deal with Farbauti right now."

Once they left him, Loki stretched out on the bed. Though weary, it was hard to truly rest with traces of Cami all around him. Her lotion, nail clippers, hair brush and music player lay on the nightstand. The sheets smelled of her, and there was a strand of curly, hazelnut brown hair on the pillow, which almost brought him to tears when he realized they would never again share a bed if she was afraid of him.

His night was long and tormented. More memories filtered into his consciousness that were not of his own making. Bad Loki had stalked, coerced, captured and killed so many people that even the random snippets Loki received of these crimes haunted him.

He was exhausted come morning and fell asleep while soaking in the bath. Cami found and woke him, drawing his head off the side of the tub to rest safely on her shoulder as she leaned over the edge. "I see you had a hard night too."

Loki rolled his face into her warm and soft neck, inhaling her scent. He was overwhelmed beyond words to have her close. She let him remain like that awhile before helping him out of the tub and into his robe.

Thor was on hand to keep a watchful eye. The three of them shared breakfast while Thor informed him that Odin and Rosner were in court that morning, helping to establish a rough timeline of events. "According to Vali, the court will likely call in Farbauti next."

His stomach tensing, Loki asked, "Does Vali know about me and Farbauti?"

"Not when we spoke, but he will learn the truth."

Loki put down his utensils. "He's not going to take it well."

Cami only stared at her food during this exchange. She looked a little green.

"Maybe you should go lie down," Loki said.

She dismissed this suggestion, choosing instead to announce, "I found out from Clint that we're having a girl."

The news cheered Loki. "That's wonderful. We should think up a name for her."

"I'm named after my great grandmother and my dad. His middle name was Raymond," Cami said. "I don't know where my parents got Clinton from, but Clint and my mom's middle names are both Francis."

"You could name her after me," Thor said with a teasing grin. "Little Thora—I like it."

Loki snatched up a roll from the basket in front of him and hurled it at his brother, who deftly caught it. He said playfully, "If I'd ever intended to name one of my children after you, I would have already done so."

Thor laughed.

"Perhaps you and Jane should make one of your own. Wouldn't that be quite the scandal?"

Thor shot back, "We just might," then bit into the bread.

Cami giggled at their banter while holding her stomach. "Come on," she begged. "Be serious."

"Is there a name you fancy, my dear?"

"Well, my mom's name was Edith, but her family and friends called her Edie. I think Loki, Cami and Edie sounds kinda cute together."

Loki admired the way she lit up, her features warming and the distinct sparkle in her eyes. "I really like it," he admitted. "Is she to have a middle name? Camille or such?"

"Eeew. Not Camille." Her expression contorted with dramatic aversion. "Think of someone else we can name her after."

"Frigga," Thor offered, and Loki agreed as it was perfect.

"Edith Frigga," Cami tried out the sound of it.

"Edith Frigga Lokidottir," Loki corrected. "It's a noble-sounding name."

"You know, some people have more than one middle name."

"You're considering making her name longer?" Loki pointed out, "It's quite a mouthful already."

Cami didn't answer, for at that moment, her features paled, her body heaved and she made a mad dash from the dining room, Loki assumed, en route for the bathroom.

Thor stopped eating, frowning as the sounds of her vomiting reached them. "I suggest you let her have what she wants."

Loki nodded, his smile dimming. "Thank you for this. I'm sure you'd much rather not have to be here."

"That isn't true." He set down the rose apple clenched in his hand. "I welcomed the opportunity to share a meal and good humor with my brother."

It would be appropriate to speak, acknowledge the sentiment, but Loki wasn't certain he could put to words the emotion stirring in his chest. He said simply, "I hope one day my Edie will play with your children."

"We'll take them to the forest," Thor suggested with a grin, "to fish, swim, search for fae-kin and sleep under the stars."

"That's a hefty dream for a busy king." The words escaped before Loki could stop or soften their bitterness. His chest swelled with instant guilt as Thor looked away. "I apologize. That was not what I intended to say."

"Father never took us on such an adventure," Thor conceded. "It was Tyr that eventually obliged our pleas. He asked us a very important question out there in the forest. Do you recall?"

Loki was sure he could remember if he tried, but found himself listening for Cami instead.

"He asked us what we wanted to be when we grew into manhood."

Now Loki did recall. "It was an unfair question to ask two heirs to the same throne."

"Perhaps, but how did we answer?"

"You said you wanted to be a great warrior, loved by the people and feared by your enemies."

Thor leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. "And you wanted to be an inquisitor, to solve crimes within the realms and thwart the deeds of evildoers."

"I don't think those were my exact words," Loki contested, but he certainly caught the irony.

Thor took a drink from his cup and set it aside with the last of his rose apple. "We were just boys, brothers, and competing over a throne was the last thing on our minds."

In the following silence, Loki heard the water rush through the pipes and Cami's low groan. Instead of returning to the dining room, she climbed into bed, causing the frame to creak. Loki could have gone to her, but assumed Thor would tag along for protection and this was one conversation he didn't want to finish in Cami's presence.

"Through the years, I desperately wanted Odin to see in me the value he saw in you."

Thor shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but didn't interrupt.

"I think he always intended you to be king, and yet, in all the words of wisdom he shared, Odin failed to explain what would become of the unchosen son. What were the expectations for him? What was he to contribute to the family legacy? What made him important and necessary? Those were lessons Odin didn't teach. So, I've come to realize that he was never really speaking to me."

"Father hoped to reunite you with your parents in the Jotunheim and open up the lines of communication with them. Laufey and Farbauti lost their other sons in the war, Loki. I think father expected that you could one day rule the Frost Giants."

Loki didn't dare to consider the notion. "That's ridiculous. The Jotun would never accept me; and why would I want to rule over little more than rocks and ice?"

"Then be my advisor. Take over command of the inquisitors and envoys. Help me restructure and surround the throne with good, dependable men so that we can be there to tuck our children in at night and take them out on the grounds to play like our father rarely could."

Surprised by the sudden upset these words caused, Loki responded, "Do you forget what is happening here? How long until Bad Loki taints my heart and pushes me to terrible acts of cruelty?"

"Then don't give in. Fight him," Thor demanded, as if the task was so easy.

It hurt Loki to admit, "I do not think this is a battle I can win. He is stronger, and I am afraid of him."

Thor captured Loki's gaze. "Being afraid makes you cautious, not weak. You've accomplished so much already, and you are not alone in this battle."

Loki fought tears, embarrassed to be so emotional.

Igus stepped into the doorway. "Lord Fandral and Agents Kotter and Stott are here to relieve you of guard duty, your majesty."

Nodding appreciatively to the servant, Thor climbed to his feet. He sounded regretful as he said, "I must go." He came around the table, halting at Loki's side. It seemed that he might say something more, but must have found the words deficient, and chose to leave in silence.

Loki lingered at the table, deciding not to dwell on any particular aspect of the long discussion. He was too conflicted to unravel the complexities of his relationship with Thor. It would be foolish to think their differences could be mended with one amicable meal.