Chapter Twenty-three: Self-recrimination
The week passed in a blur of plans and practice, plus no small amount of ignoring my conscience.
After school on Tuesday Layla convinced me to practice making people see things.
Dee drove us out into the warehouse district near the river again, but this time the place she took us to was completely abandoned. Then Dee volunteered as a test subject, which made me a little uncomfortable, but I was assured that if someone granted permission it was okay.
"Besides", Layla had told me, "I know you can reverse it afterwards." Also, I thought, but didn't say, I'm hardly going to be able to do it on the night without practicing it first.
It had taken a few tries, but I had finally made Dee see a butterfly that was completely invisible to everyone else. As it turned out, the trick was to take a memory from the person and almost, it's hard to explain, but it's as if I photoshop it into reality.
The success had resulted in elation in both Layla and I. Dee just seemed relieved that I was going to be able to pull off my part of the plan, which was crucial to its success. Layla told me to keep practicing, and to brainstorm some distracting illusions for Saturday.
Wednesday was the day I remembered that I needed to come up with an excuse for being out past curfew on Saturday night. Even if I could sneak away from Aunty, there was no way I could escape Cara, not that I ever wanted to break my promise again anyway.
Things had been so much better since we'd made up. It was like there had been a rubber band squeezing my heart constantly, but now it was gone. The house didn't feel like a minefield anymore.
When I'd asked everyone else what they were going to tell their families, most of them were either sneaking out themselves, or didn't have a strict curfew. Oliver, the only one who didn't fit either of those categories, told me he had told his mother that he was going to the protest. As if that was any help to me. I decided to leave the decision until later in the week. I'd figure something out.
After school on Thursday, Layla had me practicing again, this time on Oliver, who seemed curious about the extent of my powers and the effects. He brought his notebook to record his observations. This time, I managed to make him see something more complicated; a large tree, which I took from his recent memories.
Oliver had moved closer to it, quickly sketching its shape. He seemed determined to find a flaw in it, but every time he thought he saw one, I hastened to take from his memory to sharpen the indistinct edges of the illusion. In this way I improved exponentially, but also earned myself a migraine that left me going to bed much earlier than normal.
Despite the fact I'd taken myself to bed early though, I couldn't sleep.
I still hadn't thought up a plausible excuse for either Aunty or Cara, lie or truth. Well, it was never going to be a full truth, was it? Telling them what I was actually doing would only result in them making sure I didn't go. And telling them about Ms Ormond…well, it wasn't as if they could do anything about that anyway.
Friday morning, I just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to bring myself to move.
What are you going to tell them? Or are you going to hurt Cara again?
Don't think about it.
That's what you've been telling me all week! The little voice I had named 'inconvenient conscience' screamed internally, what good has telling yourself that ever done you?
Shut up, I told it, One thing at a time. Get up, have a shower, get dressed, have breakfast. Then you'll think more clearly.
So that's what I did, doing my darndest to avoid even the whisper of a thought that would lead me back to The Dilemma.
By the time I'd reached breakfast, I was beginning to panic again, unable to help myself from thinking about it, but then the solution presented itself.
"Hey Jay?" Cara asked, munching on her toast thoughtfully and looking up from her phone, "d'ya wanna watch that movie tomorrow night?"
"Huh?" I replied, too distracted to properly pay attention.
"Cass and Mike cancelled on me, but I already rented the film, and it's no fun watching a movie by yourself."
"Tomorrow night?"
"Yeah, do you have plans?"
"Uh," I floundered, then had a sudden epiphany, "No, I'm free."
It was if the lie had physically manifested and stabbed me in the gut. I gripped the edge of my plate with white knuckles that I hoped she hadn't noticed and got up to put it in the dishwasher.
"'kay, I'll double check we have popcorn in the cupboard then," Cara smiled sleepily at me. I smiled back, but the knife-lie just twisted deeper into my stomach.
Cara was a notorious sleeper. She was early to bed but late to rise, normally going to bed sometime around 9:30pm. If we started the movie at about 7:30pm or 8pm, by the time it finished, she'd either be asleep or tired enough that she wouldn't notice me slip out of the house.
Somehow, I felt worse than before.
I tried to focus on my schoolwork, but I couldn't seem to focus on it. I think at least two assignments were due on Monday, which I hadn't started, but I couldn't bring myself to care. It wasn't as if the improvement of my grades would make Ms Ormond change her mind at this point. Only damaging the meta registry could do that now. That was what I kept telling myself.
I went out after school to meet the others for a last-minute planning meeting, but I couldn't even seem to focus on that.
Listening to the others was like trying to decipher another language underwater. It was all I could do to organise a ride with Jinn. This time he would wait for me at the top of the street so there was no chance of waking Cara.
I told him that if I wasn't there by 10pm, he should leave, and I'd figure out something else. To be honest, I didn't think I would, but Layla insisted that I had to. They needed me. And despite my anxiousness, I wanted to go. This was my only chance to stay at Central City High School. If I deleted or damaged the registry files, she wouldn't be able to register me for the program, and I couldn't be expected to register to the database either until they fixed it.
But then I was home and we'd eaten dinner and I was in my room, in bed, staring at the ceiling in the deafening silence, with nothing but my own thoughts to distract me.
Do you really think that destroying your relationship with Cara is worth it?
Shut up, I told the voice, tired of its harsh judgements, she'll never find out, and if I don't do this, I'll have bigger problems anyway. Like having no friends.
As if she won't find out, the voice scoffed, somehow louder in the shadowy silence, and besides, what if you get caught? Maybe they'll even put you in Iron Heights. You are a meta, you know, and when metas do illegal things, they become supervillains.
I groaned and rolled over, trying to silence my suddenly very chatty conscience.
It didn't work.
So, Layla said that most of the police officers would be out at the protest, but what about The Flash? If alarms go off, I bet he'll come running, the voice continued, relentlessly assaulting me in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Cara's. Are you going to incapacitate him too? Are you even that powerful? I bet he'll put you in the pipeline and it'll be even worse than the government program.
Alarms won't go off. Shut up.
What will Caitlin think? Aunty Lin? Cara will certainly never speak to you again, except maybe to call you a freak. And she'll be right - there's no going back from this.
I pulled the edges of my pillow over my ears, as if that could silence my guilty conscience.
How does damaging the registry help you anyway? It's just stalling for time, since it's only a matter of time before they fix it again.
I hold in a sob, feeling like I was trapped in a cage, and the only way out was to run into a bigger cage.
But what am I freaking supposed to do? I mentally screamed at my conscience, which was now suspiciously silent. Exactly. I can't do anything except what I'm doing.
Liar.
I abruptly sat up, snatching my ipod and earbuds from the bedside table. Shoving the little silicon buds into my ears, I tried not to think about anything at all.
But just before the music came roaring through my brain and bringing a false sort of peace with it, my stupid, Cara-mimicking conscience decided to have the last word.
'Don't think' it mocked, is exactly what you kept telling yourself last year, you damn coward. You're not brave or a hero, you're just scared and you're letting it control you.
Author's Note:
Oooh, sick burn XP What do you guys reckon? Is Juliet being a coward? Is she doing the right thing? Gimme all your theories! Is revenge okay? Is it really solving her problem? What do you think Juliet should do?
Come back next time for your weekly* dose of drama and crazy meta shenanigans!
Trix
*Yeah, I'm trying. Hopefully if I set a deadline for myself I'll get better at keeping to it :)