Emily sat alone as the jet headed back towards VA after they finished their case in LA. They were now traveling away from the shock being felt as news leaked that their UNSUB had been Johnny McHale. No one had been more shocked at the news than Garcia who was a fan of his previous work. Emily's attention went to the other end of the jet as she heard Morgan quietly speaking to Garcia again having already spent a good deal of the flight home talking to her.
It had been no secret that he hadn't even wanted to leave his girlfriend to come on this case just as she was coming back to work after being shot. But Garcia, as stubborn as ever, had insisted that not only was she ready to be back at her desk but that she was also ready for Morgan to be back in the field with the team instead of hovering around her all the time. They had all come to expect the frequent calls between the two over the course of the case.
Blocking out Morgan's voice, Emily turned back to look into the dark out of the window. As she did, she recalled her earlier conversation with Dave. He had tried to be reassuring while in reality his comments had had the opposite effect on her. He had sat with her silently for a while after they spoke before he excused himself and returned to his original seat looking puzzled as he realized too late that his answer to her question about if they were all capable of what had happened to Johnny McHale had missed its mark though hadn't quite figured out why.
Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.
Indeed it was she thought. While she hadn't experienced anything similar to what Johnny had, her mind had been racing since the arrest analyzing the tragedy and difficult events that had occurred over the course of her life. Both her brother and father had died when she was very young limiting her memories of both.
Living in Rome while her mother was assigned there when she was a teenager had been an overall horrendous time. What she had experienced had been difficult enough. However the most painful part had been the accusations from Matthew's parents and their priest that she was an evil influence as Matthew began to change in the aftermath. More time than she could count she had wondered if she had actually broken the one person who had been a true friend to her. It had taken years and many sessions with Alicia to shake off their harsh words as well as the guilt of her forced departure from Rome when he had needed a friend after he had been there for her.
When she had met Aaron it seemed as if her world had finally come together. She had been in a good place academically when she met this guy with whom she immediately felt a connection. They had grown closer every day and had started to plan for their future.
Then just as quickly her world fell apart. The phone call that her grandfather was sick followed by the emergency trip to France. Then his death, the death of the one person who had always been there for her. This left as her only remaining family the mother with whom she had never been able to get on the same page.
Then to come home and discover that Aaron was gone as well. Having moved on without a word. She and Alicia had discussed in sessions particularly since she had learned the truth about what her parents had done about the role those earlier experiences had on her decision to not seek him out.
Then there was the Doyle case, an experience from which she was still processing the trauma.
When she had first been exfiltrated, the focus had been on debriefing her and medical care, making her push aside how she was feeling to sort later. There had been mentions of counseling however as soon as she had been discharged from the hospital, she had taken off to her grandfather's cabin to be alone, overwhelmed by what she was experiencing mentally.
It hadn't been until she returned to the US weeks later that she finally called her long time therapist because she thought she was losing her mind. The subsequent PTSD diagnosis had made sense and had started the long process of her recovery.
Even after she had returned to the FBI the fallout from that case had her sidelined on a desk position. It had taken her stubborn nature and consistent work to finally be able to pass the psych evaluation to be eligible for the field again which had opened the path to her wanted unit, the BAU. Her official record didn't contain any of her struggles as it would cause too many questions which made her recovery both easier and harder.
It had been weeks since the pictures of Declan had been taken and passed along so what she was waiting on now was to give herself permission to move on with her life. As the details of this case kept rolling around in her head, she accepted Alicia's feedback on her recent behavior. Her long time therapist had been expressing concerns about her returned focus to the Doyle case as well as her hypervigilance. It was similar to the place she had been at before gaining her psych signoff to go back into the field. Just the previous week when discussing her hypervigilance Alicia had put out there whether being back in the field was the best place for her.
As she thought about it she admitted that she had been hypervigilant for weeks. While it was understandable that she was concerned in the aftermath of the pictures, Alicia had commented that both in intensity and duration she was experiencing was starting to push past the boundaries of what was healthy particularly with her continuing to isolate herself. She couldn't help but agree after her conversation with Reid as she heard the effect her distancing herself had had on others. She wanted to hang out with him more again. She wanted to go out for girls' night with JJ and Garcia.
But as she thought about what Johnny had been through and how his life had progressed after the attack something in her mindset shifted. She needed to get out of a whirlpool of fear and worry that had had her isolating herself for weeks.
As a FBI profiler, her life was never going to be completely safe. But right now as far as she could tell things were as low risk as they were going to get.
She was also ready to have that overdue conversation with Hotch after avoiding his attempts to talk for weeks. She didn't know what he wanted to say. Or if he was even wanting to still talk to her. But she just needed to take a chance even if she wasn't completely clear what she wanted to say but she could at least hear him out. The universe had seen fit to have her path to overlap with his again while also allowing her to find out the truth of what happened between them.
They now had the chance to redefine their relationship on their own terms whether that remains strictly professional or a friendship or more. But for them to explore that they needed to talk. It was time for her to take that leap.
####
After taking a couple of days after returning from Los Angeles, Emily felt ready to finally approach Hotch. She just hoped that he was still open to talking to her given that she had been avoiding him for weeks. The greatest obstacle was how and when to approach him at work without involving the rest of the team.
As the end of another workday came, Emily reluctantly packed up her bags to head home for the night. The last of the rest of the team had left 30 minutes early. She had planned on approaching Hotch when he returned after having dinner with Jack. However given the hour it didn't appear that he was going to be returning tonight as he generally did.
When the elevator beeped and opened she was surprised to see Hotch standing in front of her. He gave her a slight nod as he stepped off the elevator, heading into the bullpen.
This was her chance. Before he could walk away from her, Emily called out, "Hotch can we talk?"
He stopped briefly before turning around, carefully observing her.
Hotch had been waiting for weeks to talk to her. As she had continued to put him off, he had stepped back and been waiting patiently for her to come to him when she was ready, understanding that they weren't going to be able to have the conversation they needed until she was. And now, if he was reading her correctly, the time he had been anxiously awaiting and dreading had arrived.
Nodding he answered, "sure" before observing their surroundings. It was late and while there wasn't anyone around, this wasn't a conversation for the office. Turning back to her he added, "I need to get my briefcase from my office. I'll be right back."
"If you are busy, we can…"
Hotch shook his head as he interrupted not wanting to lose the chance to finally talk, "it's fine. Just routine paperwork. I'll be right back. Please wait for me." He waited until she nodded in agreement before he hurriedly made his way to his office. With her nervousness, he didn't want to have her wait too long and leave.
####
Hotch turned on the light as he entered his apartment ushering Emily in before closing the door. After putting his briefcase down, he walked over to where he had a bar set. Glancing over at Emily, he asked, "would you like anything? I also have wine in the kitchen."
Emily swallowed before shaking her head. No, she did not want alcohol. Well yes she did but she needed to have a clear head for this conversation. Too much was at stake.
Hotch nodded as he brought his glass and gestured towards the living area of the open floor plan main room. He waited until Emily sat down on a chair before he settled on the couch near her while still giving her space. Placing the glass down on the table he waited for her to start. It wasn't long before he heard a quiet, "I'm sorry."
Leaning forward while resting his forearms on his legs he answered, "what are you sorry for Emily?"
She sighed before answering, "that I've been refusing your repeated attempts to talk. That I've been avoiding you. I needed to work out my feelings before I trusted myself to talk to you."
"Have you done that now?" Hotch asked
"Yes. Maybe. Enough that I was ready to at least talk." Emily answered, her uncertainty clear in her voice.
"Fair enough. I'm glad you reached out. I was starting to worry that I had somehow permanently damaged things between us." Hotch answered.
Emily shook her head as she replied, "no. Not at all. I just needed time."
"I do understand that." He paused before shaking his head and sighing before explaining, "I've been distant with you as well since my divorce was finalized. I need to apologize to you for that. I know that we didn't go into that night planning to sleep together but we did. I should have been more thoughtful afterwards and not ignored you. I'm not that type of man or at least I thought I wasn't."
Emily saw the anguish on his face as he explained. Accepting his apology she replied, "I get it Aaron. I saw the turmoil in you even before that night. It was never going to be easy. I knew you were going to need space to process the divorce. That you were going to need to spend more time with Jack."
Hotch let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding before he answered, "thank you for that. You're right it hasn't been easy but I still regret how I treated you. You are right about the turmoil and it wasn't just about Haley."
"Then what was it?" Emily asked.
Hotch shook his head before explaining, "Haley cheated on me with someone with whom we went to high school. Someone who was a bully to me back then. Their affair was long enough that she was trying to claim that her boyfriend was Jack's father. He's not as I could imagine not having Jack in my life anymore."
"I'm sorry Aaron." Emily said as he leaned forward and placed her hand over his.
Hotch nodded and placed his other hand over hers before continuing, "I needed the space not just because of the divorce but I needed to separate in my mind Haley's actual betrayal to our marriage and vows to what I thought had happened between the two of us years ago."
Emily froze at his words and sat back in her seat. Suddenly she was uncertain about where this conversation was going before whispering, "I thought you accepted my explanation about that."
Hotch having seen the change in her quickly added, "I do. I don't doubt any of it. What you shared with me makes more sense than what I had been led to believe." he paused as he noticed her relax at his answer before continuing, "I am very glad that you discovered the truth and shared it with me when you did. Given what was going on with Haley, I'm hesitant to admit that without that insight I fear that the similarities may have made our professional relationship even more turbulent than your first few months."
"I don't know how to respond to that." Emily stated.
Hotch sighed before explaining, "it wouldn't have been intentional. But I didn't want even my subconscious to make you the scapegoat of my failed marriage. Particularly when you were hurt just as much if not more by what your parents did."
Emily looked down, nodding at his words before blurting out before looking up, "rebounds are messy even without all of those factors."
"True. And I don't want you to be a rebound." Hotch answered as he reached over and now placed his hand over hers. He rubbed circles on the back of her hand until she quietly asked,
"what do you want, Aaron?"
Hotch nodded and without letting go of her hand he answered, "I still love you Emily. I don't think I ever stopped."
She smiled back at him and answered, "I still love you too."
They quietly sat before Hotch responded, "good. That's good to hear. To answer your question I want us to see if we have a future together." He held his breath after saying it, feeling vulnerable with the declaration.
Emily smiled briefly before she felt her anxiety rise. As much as this was what she wanted to hear she was apprehensive. After taking a deep breath she looked at him and asked though not sure she was ready to hear his answer, "are you ready for that? Are you far enough out from your divorce?"
Hotch had noticed the stiffening of her body and after she asked her question he understood that she needed reassurance from him particularly after his early reveal about needing to separate the two experiences. He was encouraged that she wasn't saying no but she also wasn't saying yes.
"As I think back I have come to the conclusion that my marriage was over long before Haley left me. I have been working through it. Am I 100% past it? No and I don't think I will be anytime soon. No matter how much time and space I have instead of being able to make a clean break the wound of what went wrong in our marriage will be repeatedly irritated because I still need to have some interaction with her because of Jack. That said, I do think that I have enough distance at this point to explore us if you are willing." Hotch replied
Emily sighed and nodded as he spoke, accepting his honest assessment of the situation. Though she hadn't considered Haley's continued presence in his life as he explained it made complete sense for Jack's sake he would deal with that pain. But would it be too much for him with the potential complications a relationship between them would bring? "I want nothing more than to say yes…"
"...but…" Hotch interrupted.
Emily took a deep breath before continuing, "but can we make it work? Our lives are so much different than they were 13 years ago. We are different than we were back then. There are parts that we just don't know about each other anymore. Maybe we learn something that isn't so easy to just accept."
For Emily this remained a major sticking point. She knew that he valued honesty. There was some significant part of her life that he didn't know about. While her complete CIA history is a huge part as he couldn't know about professionally or personally. Additionally there were areas of her past that she hadn't shared with him the last time they were together.
Could he accept who she really was?
Would he be able to accept that she had secrets?
Would he be able to accept her past?
She couldn't change the past no matter how much she wanted to in some cases. Even with how betrayed she felt by him for years Aaron had always been the man she had compared all dates to in the interim. As time had gone on and none of them ever measured up, she knew in her heart that it was because he was the person with whom she was meant to be. Hearing him say that it was what he wanted as well as a dream come true. But along with that dream was the nightmare that he would learn something about her, something she couldn't change that would push him away forever.
Hotch had been watching the various emotions cross her face. It wasn't surprising to him that she needed reassurance so he added, "I think we can make it work. I'm not saying it will be easy. And I don't suggest we jump head first into it either. I say we take some time to get to know each other again and see if this is what we both want."
Emily nodded at the reasonable suggestion. She did know being with him was what she wanted. Only time would tell how it would work.
Hotch relaxed as he noticed the change in her that hinted of her acceptance so he wasn't deterred when she pointed out the elephant in the room.
"What about work? The Bureau has anti fraternization rules and Strauss would like nothing more than to get rid of both of us." Emily pointed out.
Not deterred because just asking the question indicated to him that she wanted to be with too. Now they were addressing the practical aspects of how they could make it work. It was no longer if they wanted to be together but how could they make it work.
Hotch gave a slight chuckle as he said, "well we can thank Dave for most of those rules." At his answer Emily laughed as well having heard some stories as well.
Once they stopped laughing, he turned serious as he continued, "my being your supervisor does complicate the situation more than if we had equal rank. There is no way around that. The Bureau's greatest concern would be my ability to be objective in the field."
Emily nodded at his acknowledgement. For a relationship between them to work and both be on the team, they needed to figure this part out together. Looking over at him she asked, "can you Aaron? If we do this can you stay objective when it comes to me and my position on the team? I don't want to hurt the team or have my role reduced."
Hotch nodded as he had been thinking about his objectivity towards her in one way or the other since she walked into his office with her transfer paperwork. Yes he had made some missteps at the beginning including the one where Gideon called him out in Georgia. That conversation with Gideon had been a wake up call for him and since then he had actively trying to do right by Emily and the team.
Looking over at her, he answered, "yes. I can because I already have been working on it. And that is something that we will need to continue to work through as I don't want our relationship to adversely affect your position on the team or the team as a whole either. When we are ready, I will at least talk to Dave and shuffle some supervisory responsibilities to him."
"Why?" Emily answered.
Hotch sighed as he softly responded, "as much as I understand the importance of being objective, I was reminded last year that we are also still human. I will ask him to do your evaluations and to step in when we are in the field in certain situations." as he recalled the exchange between them about the only survivor on that family annihilator case in Denver months earlier.
How her response had made him consider his reaction to her request about the teen.
About their conversation at her apartment after they arrived home when he explained his concerns and listened to hers.
Then how later that night they made love again for the first time in 13 years.
Emily nodded remembering the case as well as that night in her apartment as well when she answered, "yes, we are human." She paused before asking hesitantly, "aren't you worried that this decision will affect your position?"
Hotch shook his head as he answered, "no, Dave is the other senior agent on the team. And if I find that it's too much then I can consider other options then. I want to give us another try Emily. Please tell me you want that as well?"
Emily placed her other hand over his and squeezed before she answered quietly, "I do. I have since I found out you didn't leave me. But I don't want you to leave the team Aaron if we can't work together. It would devastate the BAU to lose you. I can't let that happen because of me. I would rather leave the team than let that happen to you."
Regardless of their personal involvement, she had a great deal of respect for him as a person as well as professionally. Having now been with the team for over 18 months, she was very aware of how much the team valued him as their leader as well as the respect he had in other areas of the FBI as well as others in the field of law enforcement. She didn't want to be the cause of a scandal that would take any of that away from him.
Hotch considered what she said about the team. He didn't want him to leave the team either at least not soon. But he had been willing to make that change for Haley. He had put the paperwork in and packed up his office.
Even after Milwaukee he had planned to talk to Haley before finalizing his return to the BAU. But then he had come home to the empty house that still contained evidence of her affair. His decision to stay on the team as well as file for divorce was cemented during their talk when she demanded he walk away from not just the BAU but also the FBI and all of his contacts. She then inserted the poison pill by insisting that he join his late father's old firm. Haley had known even before they were married that he wanted nothing to do with the work of that firm.
Hotch squeezed her hand to get her attention as he noticed her starting to spiral into a sea of 'what ifs.' He didn't want her to leave the team either. As much as they respected him as their leader, the team all loved her as a valued member.
He also was aware that her last statement wasn't hyperbole. She had already demonstrated months earlier that she would walk away rather than do something that would hurt him. As much as he appreciated what she had done then and now, he reminded himself to be mindful of the sacrifice she had been willing to make for him and challenged himself to ensure that she didn't ruin her own career to save his as they moved forward.
Standing up, he put out his hand and when she placed her hand in his he pulled her up to standing right in front of him. As they stood there, he rested his forehead on hers as he said, "let's not get ahead of ourselves. We don't need to make that decision today or even anytime soon. For now I say we start slow and keep this between us. We can decide together how we move forward."
It was a couple of minutes before he felt her nod and the squeeze on the hand that she was still holding. Then without knowing who initiated it, they quickly found themselves locked in a passionate kiss. And as much as it went against every instinct in her body, Emily recognized that they couldn't do this. Not now.
Hotch immediately sensed the change in her body as he felt her tense up. As his body objected he paused as he observed her face as she pulled back slightly, not missing the quiet whine from her as they moved back from each other at the loss of their physical connection. When he looked into her unfocused eyes, he could see the uncertainty. Before he could say anything, Emily quickly said, "we can't. Not yet."
Hotch felt apprehension about that statement until the last word she said registered. Yet. It was too soon. Right now as much as he wanted to be with her, there was still a large chasm for them to navigate. He sighed in agreement recognizing that their attraction was not an area that they needed to work on nor was their compatibility in the bedroom, he added, "we know we work in this aspect."
Emily nodded before continuing, "yeah. We also have been very compatible physically and sexually. Exploring that part of our relationship isn't a worry for me."
"Me either. We need to make sure we still work outside of that. We are potentially taking on too much risk to have this be a purely physical relationship that won't last." Hotch added.
Emily continued, "yes and if we fall back into bed together we aren't giving ourselves an opportunity to see if we truly work. It will just be something that will end up being a distraction. A pleasurable one for sure. But one that won't be beneficial for us in the long run."
"You're right but I don't need to like it. For how long?" Hotch asked.
Emily stepped back to think before answering, "until we mutually decide we want to be with each other long term and are ready to accept the professional risk of a relationship given our positions. We are both different than we were when we were together last time. You may decide you don't want to be with me anymore. That would be hard enough to bear but this time I don't think I could take it if we were together intimately if that decision is made."
"Why are you so sure that I will suddenly not want to be with you?" Hotch asked while in actuality he thought he already knew the answer.
He had figured out a lot about her the last time they were together even things she hadn't come out and told him. Additionally since joining the BAU, he had read through her file, learning new details about her.
Personally he knew from the couple of times they had been together since he separated from Haley that she cut having felt the scars. She had had some years earlier as well but even with the time that had passed, he knew there were more now.
Then there were the scars on her back that he had observed the morning of his divorce hearing. As much as he didn't want to think about it, he accepted that she had been in other relationships during their years apart. He didn't like it but it would be hypocritical to hold that against her when not only had he been in several relationships but had gotten married and had a child.
While a part of him wanted to know who had hurt her another part didn't want to hear the details as it would have him wanting to lash out at whoever hurt her. As a child, he had experienced beatings from his father that had resulted in similar marks. It pained him to see the evidence that she had indicated a similar experience during their separation.
He watched as Emily looked at him conflicted as she considered how to answer his question. Before she could say anything he added, "for now let's focus on the present and our plans for the future." He didn't want each of their pasts to jeopardize the possibility of a future for them.
At that he noted that Emily visibly relaxed though still looked unsure before nodding as she answered, "ok, let's do this."
Before Hotch could say anything else, each of the phones started to buzz which at this hour could only mean one thing - they had a new case.
AN: Next chapter is almost done and I will post it as soon as it's ready.