POV: Alex
Jordan, Steven, Nathan, Dalton and I all sat in the audio visual room, trying to come up with ideas for Jordan's debate. Neither of us could figure out what exactly she wanted to talk about, and we kept arguing over what was the most important. Honestly, it was surprising to hear Dalton cooperate with us since he was basically a watered down shut-in now. Nathan kept us all on our toes though, constantly shouting out random ideas that popped into his hyena head. I couldn't tell if he was the smartest kid in our school, or the dumbest.
Dalton spoke up after lounging in a chair, clipping his claws and listening to our conversation. It felt nice to have him around, everyone else seemed to enjoy his humor and head-on tendencies. "We should publicly humiliate her, she's done it to us."
Nathan turned around, licking his teeth. "No, we can't do that, we need to do this like a debate. Obviously we can throw her under the bus a couple of times, but we need to make sure this goes as smoothly as possible."
Jordan groaned. "Ok but we all know Brittney is going to do whatever she can to make it not fair. Do you just expect me to play by the rules?"
"Yes," Nathan replied. Jordan huffed and crossed her arms, sitting back in her chair and pouting. "I don't like it either," Nathan said. "But we don't really have any other options, and neither of us can come up with a good plan to make sure Jordan leaves that podium...alive."
I stood up, objectifying everything. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alive ? Look, I know this is important, but, I'd like to keep my friend."
Steven rolled his eyes. "She's not actually going to die, dummy. It just could ruin her reputation."
"Like there was ever one to begin with," Jordan mumbled.
We all gave a collective sign, knowing that we couldn't agree on anything. Jordan's safety was my number one priority and I had agreed to be some sort of a bodyguard, I was the most physically imposing animal in the room. Everybody knew my personality conflicted with my species, but still, a large wolf was one to leave to their own devices.
A couple hours had passed as we spent racking our brains for ideas, for anything. Jordan came up with a couple that seemed to suit her ideology for fixing the school. They were mediocre at best, but we really had nothing else to go on. Dalton tried giving his opinions on changes to be made that he thought carnivores would like, so we wrote those down as well.
By the end of the day-each of us skipping our classes just to make sure we got this done-we only had an outline of a speech. It wasn the best by any stretch of the word, but it was something. Although, It was better than just random words scratched onto a piece of paper and lazily filled in with ideas.
"Ugh!" Jordan slammed her fists on the desk. "We're not getting anywhere with this! The debate is only a couple days away and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing!"
Steven sighed. "I don't think any of us know what we're doing, but at least we have... something ."
"Something is better than nothing," Dalton added. He stood up and headed for the door, waving on Nathan and Steven.
Jordan and I were left alone, working on homework and taking the occasional glance towards each other. The room was deathly quiet, say for the sound of the air conditioner and the buzzing lights that sounded like a thousands of bees. But other than that, it was a peaceful environment.
We didn't really speak to each other while everyone was around, but now since it was just us, light conversations started. They weren't the most important topics to begin with, but anything was better than the consistent talk about debate and how everything could go wrong, all thanks to Nathan.
Jordan swiveled in her chair and stared intently at me. "So, when are you finally going to kiss him?"
"Kiss who?" I said, keeping my focus on my paper.
"You dumb dog, Steven!"
"Oh...right. Well, it seems too early. We haven't spent that much time together, so it just doesn't feel right."
That response didn't seem to sit well with her and she shot up from her chair, grabbing my face with both of her hands. "So what!? You two are perfect for each other!"
"Are we really?" I said as my cheeks were squished from her hands.
"Yes!" I sighed and she pulled away, her arms to her side. "Come on Alex, it's so easy to see that he likes you. Not to mention the way you act when you're around him."
"Well, we may like each other, but it's not like we're dating."
"But you should be dating!"
"I don't know," I said scratching the back of my head. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. I'd rather us just be friends for the time being...even if we act a little bit more... personal. "
Jordan sighed and sat back down. "Don't do that, don't think you aren't ready, cause you won't know unless you try. You're doing better than you've ever been, now it's time for you to actually embrace the parts of life that aren't horrible."
I looked off into the distance, letting the sounds of the buzzing lights fill the air. I wanted to tell Steven how I felt, but I didn't know how to, it's not like they teach you that kind of stuff in school. It's something you have to figure out on yourself, and it terrified me. Because I knew that if it went wrong, my life would crumble all over again, and I didn't know if I could do that again. First time was hard enough, but a second would ruin me.
"How did you do it?" I whispered, keeping my eyes low, feeling guilty for even asking.
She smiled, her tail flicking in the air and nose twitching. "I confessed to you twice actually. Once when you were in the hospital unconscious; I cried onto you and told you my feelings. The feelings I had been bottling up for so long. I thought I would've felt better after that, but I didn't. Then when I showed up at your room that time, I had fully committed myself to telling you, I just didn't know when.
"Remember when we were on the hill, overlooking the city? The stars were so beautiful, everything was magical. That's when I knew that if I didn't do it then, I would've never done it.
"God it was so hard, it was so fucking hard, but I did it. And you can do it too.
"All I ever wanted was to see you happy, and I don't care if that comes with the price of my happiness. Every time I look at you, I see sparks flying in the air, like we were meant to be together. I was on my guard with the rest of the world, but when I look at you, it all comes crashing down. I wanted you, and only you. I know I can't have you, you like Steven. I just wish we were together."
I didn't know how to respond, so I just stayed silent.
She continued, her voice rising high as she talked more and more. "I just feel like it could've been us. We could have solved this whole thing together, and obviously I can't hate you for liking someone else, but sometimes I do-and I know that makes me a horrible animal, but cant help it. I've spent my whole life just thinking about you, and now I can't have you. I have no one, I have to do everything on my own."
"You're not alone," I interjected. "Y-you have me."
"I know." She sighed. "I just cant get you out of my head, no matter how hard I try. You're always there, tickling the back of my mind. And obviously I can't have you because you like someone else, and I'm not gonna go and try to take that away from you. But damn, like sucks right now."
I knew she liked me, but I didn't know how much. I never fully grasped the whole idea of how much she loved me and only me. Some part of me felt horrible for not feeling the same way, another part felt angry. It felt like I was the cause of all her problems, that me being different only made her life worse.
I've had some pretty shit thoughts run through my mind, but that was probably the worst. Feeling like I couldn't provide something to someone I love, only to watch their life fall apart because of it. Feeling as if, whatever I said-whatever I did, wasn't going to fix them. Nothing I could do would make her feel like she had something-no- someone worth living for.
I've been there a few times.
I stood up from my chair, breathing in the dusty air of the audio visual room. She looked up at me and I took her hand in mine, pulling her out of her chair.
We were close, her arms were wrapped around my neck as we stared into each other's eyes.
Her voice sang into my ears. "I remember it all too well; the blood, the sadness, the screaming, the crying, the pain. But when I'm with you, when we're standing like this, it all fades away.
"I know you won't kiss me right now, I know it's never going to happen." She smiled with her ocean blue eyes. "Thanks for giving me the chance to love you, for not shutting me down immediately. I know my feelings, I finally understand and accept them." She pulled away and lightly punched me in the shoulder. "But you better tell Steven how you feel towards him, don't end up like me." She gave a nervous chuckle and picked up her bag. "I'll cya tomorrow."
I caught a glimpse of her eyes as she left. Their deep blue looked sad, like the ocean was pouring out of them.
️ ️ ️
I was brushing my teeth and getting ready to sleep. Everybody else was already asleep in their beds. After the constant, brain-melting discussion that was Jordan's debate, I think everyone deserved a good night sleep. My eyes were heavy as I caught glimpses of myself in the mirror, a deep shade of grey, but the sunken eyes, the lifelessness they were known for was gone. Replaced with something more, I couldn't tell what, but it had to be good.
The clicking of the dorm door brought my ears to attention, my wagging tail freezing in place. I sniffed the air with the toothbrush sticking out of my mouth, wondering who the hell had entered so late at night. It didn't smell threatening, in fact, it didn't smell like anything at all.
That's not a good sign.
Turning my head revealed the culprit, a mass of red fur and tired eyes. I put my toothbrush down and peaked my head out, keeping my voice soft so as to not disturb anyone else. "Dalton? You're still coming back late?" His eyes locked onto mine in the darkroom, and I swallowed. "Sorry, I'll leave you alone." He sighed, his shoulders slumping. He pushed past me into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
"I don't want to keep secrets from you...well, you already know one of them." I glanced at the both of us in the mirror. He definitely was shorter than me, and practically on par with my build.
I wanted to say, there's more? But I figured it would've been best to keep that to myself, so I stayed silent as his mouth opened to speak again. "The reason why I come back late-" he turned over his forearms to see scars and lifted up his shirt to see purple discolorations of his fur, "is because every night, for the past couple of months, I've been sneaking out of school with a group of carnivores and fighting."
"...fighting?"
He nodded his head solemnly. "At the time, it was a good release for my feelings towards you. Since I thought I hated you, even though I knew I liked you. It was all I knew how to do. So, don't judge me too harshly...ok?" He looked up at me with pleading eyes.
I turned away from him and began picking up the bathroom. I didn't know what to do, so my brain told me to clean. As I was picking up one of the recently used white towels I thought about how I dealt with my emotions, the scars may have been healed on my arms, but if you dug through the fur, you would've found two red lines.
"We all have different ways of dealing with our emotions." I folded the towel over my arm. "Sometimes there are better ways, and sometimes there are worse." I threw the towel over the shower rod, thinking about my next words, but they came out so easily. "Can't say yours are any better than mine. Well, I think any way of coping is better than mine."
"Was," Dalton corrected. I gave him a questionable look. "You don't do those things anymore. You don't look like you're gonna kill yourself everyday-what I'm trying to say is, you look much better."
"I'll take that as a compliment," I said, crossing my arms.
The room was silent as we shifted weight from foot to foot, neither of us wanting to say any more words. Had we already said everything we needed to? I couldn't tell if my mind was made up about him, if I wanted to forgive him forever. I wanted to be his friend, I wanted to see him happy, but something inside of me also reminded me of the remarks and comments he made towards me. The way he criticized me and...kinda acted like Dad.
Silence was shattered by Dalton's baritone voice, breaking the glass between us. "You like Steven." He looked down towards the ground and smiled. "I never thought 'friend' was a term I would ever have to use for you." His eyes shot up to meet mine, teary eyed. "But I'm glad I can."
Did he really mean that? No, obviously not, he was just joking. Then again, he's not the best at cracking jokes.
Damnit Dalton! Why can't you just be like everyone else!?
I turned over on my side, facing the wall, hating myself for caring about Dalton. He was an asshole to me, did his sudden confession of love-of truthfulness really bring up the conflicting emotions in myself? I wanted to be his friend, I wanted to like him ever since I first met him, but first impressions were never the best. I knew getting to know him was my best option, but he made it so hard-so difficult just to ask for a damn pencil!
And there he was, in the afterglow of the bathroom calling me his friend. We were never friends, I never really liked him, I only dealt with him because I thought it was the right thing to do. Constantly thinking about him just brought on a massive headache, one I never wanted to feel again.
My feelings towards him were only drowned out when I thought of Steven, when I could picture him in my mind and ease the pain. The emotions towards Dalton were not romantic, they weren't even friendly, they were just I have no other choice but to deal with him .
I really had no other choice but to like him. It was me who caused him to act like an asshole. It was my appearance, my personality that attracted him. Something about me made him go crazy, and I couldn't tell if I should've been to blame, or if it was him.
Did I really want to be his friend? Did I really want to add his emotional baggage onto mine?
Yeah, I kinda did.
My "moral code" was to always be kind towards anyone, cause you never know what struggles they're going through. I never acted mean towards him, I at least never tried to, even if I wanted to. Even if his annoying comments made me want to punch a hole in the wall, I never snapped, never turned into the wolf everyone thought me to be.
Maybe I was just more broken than I thought I was. Maybe all the time I spent with Dr. Sherman was useless, that it didn't bring any peace into my depressed mind.
No matter how many times I closed my eyes and tried to forget everything, trying to empty my mind, I just couldn't. So I pulled out my phone, lowering the brightness so my eyes wouldn't burn from its sun-like light. I had a couple of texts from Jordan talking about the stress she was feeling towards the debate. Knowing she was probably asleep, I decided to text her back anyway, she would read them in the morning. But to my surprise she responded, and we spent the rest of the night texting back and forth.
We talked about Nathan and how she felt like he was kinda creepy. True, sometimes he did give us a couple of death glares, but other than that, he seemed fine. She also decided to make a comment towards Steven and I, asking when we would tie the knot . I thought marriage was a little bit too progressive towards that stage in the relationship.
...unless she means something else.
My face grew hot and I cursed myself for having a dirty mind. I rolled my eyes and shut off my phone, smirking and shaking my head from her witty comments.
️ ️
It was the last Tuesday of the school year. Snow frosted the glass of the school, smiley faces and messages were written in the foggy glass. Animals were bundled up in their coats, tails were wagging, hands were tied together. The heater in the school was broken, so the halls were frigid, cold, but not empty. Never empty.
Snow dusted my fur, causing me for once in my life to shiver from the cold. I crossed my arms around my body, hoping to preserve some body heat. It floated in the air and he held on tightly to my arm, his teeth chattering, his brown fur not suited for the cold weather. Our tails wagged behind us as we walked on the white pathway, the sun being clouded by grey clouds and white speckles falling slowly. He was warm against my body, the cold giving us a chance to never separate, to stay together forever.
We were lost in conversation, in light banter, in chuckles and smiles. We laughed about the vacant stares around us, knowing there would always be someone who disapproves, judging like they knew about me and him. Our linked arms and our breathy laughs filling the air. I just couldn't stop smiling. Each time I looked at him, my heart quickened its pace, my lungs tensed up and the warmness in my chest only grew hotter. Each time he smiled, each time he spoke, everything about him was perfect, amazing.
Can we be together forever?
Would you mind it?
Would you want to be with me?
Would you mind it if I kissed you?
Would you still love me?
"Your heart's being fast," he said with his perfect voice.
"Yeah, it does that when I'm with you," I said trying to hold back a smile, only giving in to the sensation of happiness.
"So does mine," he replied. He huffed into the air. "I was not made for this kind of weather. I'm kinda jealous that you're a wolf and I'm not."
"I'm sure being a dog is much better than being a wolf."
He rolled his eyes. "Maybe, but at least I wouldn't feel like I'm freezing my ass off when it dips in temperature. Like, what the hell?!" A couple animals looked towards us from his sudden rise in pitch and his ears flattened. "I don't want to let go of you," he barely whispered, a whisper only I could hear.
"Then don't," I whispered back.
Hold on to me forever, never let me go.
I wondered what we were, what our relationship was. We were so different from each other; a depressed wolf and an optimistic German shepherd. Two halves of one whole, two animals that had been separated, only to be stitched back by love.
I hope I never lose you, I hope it never ends.
He looked up to me with his golden eyes, his eyebrows raising and a smile on his face. The brown and black fur on his face, his navy blue coat collecting snow like a child picking flowers. "I'm guessing I can't come with you to your therapist session?" I sighed and shook my head, feeling the excruciating pain from his lowered eyes. God, I wanted him to come with me so badly, I didn't want this to end, I didn't want to watch him walk away. I needed him for everything, just to hold onto something when I had nothing.
I love you.
I said it so loud in my head that I thought I had actually said it out loud, but from his unphased face, from the quiet disposition, it was all in my head. I wondered if this was how Jordan felt, if the thoughts screamed in her head, tried to force their way out of her mouth, only to be snapped shut by fear.
It was a cruel winter, a cruel, cruel winter. It kept us together, but also forced us apart. Kept us close for warmth, like a fire during a blizzard. But tore us apart from the words that evaporated into the air, from the fear of never surviving the storm. Only to watch as everything we built, the trust, the friendship-everything, be blown down from the storm. A storm of emotions and feelings. A storm of thoughts and fears. A storm of never ending questions and judgments.
I turned around and held him tightly, not wanting to enter the front office, not wanting to meet with my therapist. His breath against my neck gave me reassurance, the tiny whisper giving me courage to walk away, to leave him alone, to fix my problems.
The front office ladies gave me familiar smiles and waves, pressing a button to open the door to the administration office, and I walked towards Mrs. Carter's office. The door was so close, and my hand hesitated on the door knob, looking back, hoping to see Steven, but only seeing a bleak hallway filled with blue carpet and green paint.
My eyes closed and my body released a breathy sigh, turning the knob to the room. Mrs. Carter was sitting in her chair, a puffy red coat covering her body. Her auburn eyes, the colors of autumn stared back at me. The crunching of leaves, the smell of fresh cinnamon and apples rang through my head.
"Good morning Alex, I wasn't expecting snow today."
"I wasn't either," I said sitting in the comfortable brown chair opposite from her. "I like it though. The snow, the clothes, the ability to smell nothing but air. I like it."
She nodded and asked, "is there anything specific you want to talk about before we get started?"
"No," I responded, thinking of Steven walking away with his tail still and his hands in his coat pockets. I wanted to cry for leaving him, I hated myself, but I forced the feelings down, my throat tightening from the loss of emotion.
Mrs. Carter began her questioning, staring with simple ones, then working her way up to questions that made me think.
"How did your Dad treat you?"
"Do you regret any past actions?"
"Is there anything that makes you feel like you're useless?"
"What do you think is the cause as to why you can't sleep?"
I answered each question truthfully, murmuring to myself and shaking it off when she questioned about it. They were annoying questions, mandated by the school, none of them were asked out of the idea of me getting better, or fixing me. They were only asked because they needed to know if I was a threat or not. If the "alpha" wolf on campus could potentially attack another animal.
The only thing that seemed to help with the makeshift interrogation was thinking of Steven. His brown fur, his eyes, his smile. All of it forced a smile onto my face, even if it was small, even if it didn't really do anything to help me mentally. It changed my face from one to neutral, to one that was somewhat pleasant. Giving the broken wolf a little bit of life. Mrs. Carter didn't seem to notice, or she acted like she didnt notice, only continuing her questions and musing about her past. I did the same, explaining how Dad was amazing until I turned twelve.
I didn't want to go into any more detail, even though she insisted. She wasn't like Dr. Sherman who let me take my time, who sat in silence with me, held my hand when I cried. She wanted to fix me as fast as possible. I couldn't tell if she was being genuine or just wanted me to leave. Being the dumb wolf I was, I grew impatient, only wanting to leave and find Steven. The therapy sessions were just another burden I had in my mind, another weight on my shoulder.
When the therapy session was finished, I didn't feel any better about myself. I felt vulnerable, like everything I had kept secret was forced out of my mouth. Obviously for the betterment of my life, but it didn't feel like that. It felt like someone was ripping the words out of my body, stripping away my feelings, leaving only the all too familiar husk.
Steven was waiting for me in the office, and he took his hand in mine, a sideways smile on his face. "How did it go?"
"It went fine." I left it at that, never speaking up about it again. He didn't ask about it though, he kept quiet and continued his rant about one of his classmates who constantly cheated off of his work. I suggested he tell the teacher, but Steven being Steven, he was too kind to rat out the kid.
We laid next to each other on the floor of the dorm room, our hands tied together, looking up at the ceiling. We let the silence fill up the space, the only sounds were breathing. It was late, Nathan and Dalton were...somewhere. We didn't care, it was just the two of us alone, the two of us letting the warmth of emotions heat up the icy room.
When Steven spoke, it was like angels were singing into my ears, light, beautiful, amazing. I began to be self-conscious about my deep voice, about the voice that contrasted against his, but complimented it so well.
He turned on his side to look at me, and I shifted my eyes over. A perfectly golden color, the color of the summer sun. Eyes that said, I love you . Eyes that expressed more emotion than a simple word being spoken, than anything in the world. I just wanted to lift him up, and never let him go.
Joy, excitement, warmth, love . All of it filled my chest, the heat rose into my face as he squeezed my hand. Our little smiles, our little head tilts, our tails wagging behind us.
Life makes love look hard.
He turned back to look at the ceiling. "Do you think we could stay like this forever? Just the two of us, on the floor, memorizing the cracks in the ceiling?"
I hoped so, I wanted us to stay together forever. No matter how many times I said it, no matter how many times I told myself we couldn't be together, I didn't care. Nothing was going to break apart the love I felt for him, nothing was going to take away what was ours. He was mine, and I was his. The love was ours specifically, no one else's. No one would understand, and we didn't want anyone to understand.
"I like that we can do this," he said. "That we can just lay here, without talking, letting the silence do it for us. Never knew it would be so...peaceful." He chuckled.
"Yeah, it's nice."
I want to stay like this forever.
I want us to be together forever.
I don't want to let you go.
I want to have you all to myself.
I want you.
I love you.
My mind tried to remind me that he was a bad idea, that getting caught up in a relationship would only cause more problems for me later down the line. But I didn't care, I didn't care what the consequences were, I didn't care if the world ended. As long as he was by my side, nothing could go wrong, nothing could happen that would make me feel useless again. I would never feel like I was nothing, that the world didn't care about me. I would feel like I was special, I was someone's animal.
That was all I ever wanted. Someone to be with me, someone for me to love. Someone who knew me for me, someone who cared about me.
He was always there, and he was always looking at me with his golden eyes.
Electricity gathered at my fingertips as his hand tightened around mine, our eyes closing together and the world fading into darkness, our heartbeats drowning out the silence.
I don't want to lose this with you.