September 27th: Remus Lupin

His first full moon up at school for the year is on Tuesday night, and he still hasn't gotten used to the way it feels to actually be in control and able to remember what happened when he's Moony. He has distant memories of roaming the grounds with Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs before Belby and the Wolfsbane Potion came into his life—just flashes here and there of running free in the presence of creatures who kept him a little calmer, a little freer. But on Wolfsbane, Remus remembers everything—remembers the way it felt to run free with Prongs, balance Wormtail on his back, chase Padfoot in endless circles around and around the forest.

Padfoot. Remus sighs. By the time dawn breaks, when Remus is back inside the Shack waiting for Madam Pomfrey to collect him, he feels closer to Sirius than he has in months, even without either of them speaking a word—even just from running the grounds together and playing in the mud. There's something primal and elemental about the relationship Remus has with his friends when he's the wolf and they're Animagi, something that Remus didn't realize must have been there all along, ever since they started transforming with him. It makes his relationships to the three of them feel—different—when he changes back.

Have they always felt this way about running with Moony? Has this been a real part of the Marauders for all these months without Remus ever realizing?

He keeps sneaking glances at the three of them the whole next day, trying to orient himself to this new side to his relationships that he never knew he had. He's discharged quickly from the Hospital Wing, for the first time after a full moon: Madam Pomfrey expresses so much distrust and disbelief at this injury-free condition that he admits to having access to the new potion through Belby, and while she scolds him for taking it without being under her direction, she declares him free to go after a short examination. So he heads up to the common room, studies with Sirius while James and Peter are stuck in Herbology, and tries not to be obvious about his staring.

Eventually, he accidentally makes eye contact, and Sirius says, "Dude, what?"

"Sorry," says Remus quickly. "Just—I was just thinking about last night."

Sirius softens a little. "Bet it's weird to keep all your memories all of a sudden."

"Yeah. Listen—thank you."

"For what?"

"For becoming Padfoot. For me."

Sirius shrugs it off. Remus doubts that Sirius—or James or Peter, for that matter—will ever understand the depths of Remus's gratitude, but that's okay. He just needs to suck it up and stop pushing Sirius away and show him.

xx

It's not a date date, Remus keeps reminding himself leading up to six o'clock on Saturday night. He's going to the Slug Club party as Sirius's mate—as his mate and nothing more—and he'll do well to remember that instead of getting carried away imagining what it might have been like if things were different. Remus owns one set of dress robes—a periwinkle pair that's already a little short by his ankles, even though he only just bought them last year—and he puts them on carefully inside the curtains of his four-poster before folding up his day robes and opening the curtains.

James and Peter have already headed down, so it's just Sirius waiting there, sitting on the edge of his bed, wearing deep red robes and fiddling with his wand. "Ready?" he asks Remus, looking up.

"Yeah," says Remus. He tucks his wand in his pocket and follows Sirius out of the room and down the winding staircase.

Sirius keeps up a steady stream of conversation the whole walk over to Slughorn's office. For his part, Remus feels like he's forgotten how to act normal around Sirius: it's like they haven't had a normal conversation since before that horrible kiss that ruined their relationship, or at least feels like it ruined it. For the millionth time, he finds himself wishing that he never kissed Sirius, so that they could be now like they were before instead of this awful, awkward, strained version of themselves that he doesn't know how to break out of.

He thinks the difference is—well, he's not in denial anymore, for one thing. Before, he was able to pass off the way Sirius made him feel as being just a normal artifact of their friendship—wanting to be near and spend time with one of his best friends in the world. Now, he's kissed Sirius, and he liked it, and he wants to do it again, and that—that is the thing he can't ignore, the think that makes him confront his emotions the way he wishes he didn't have to.

They've barely passed the threshold into Slughorn's office before the Potions master lights on them and tracks them down. "Sirius, my boy!" he declares with a broad grin. "So glad you could make it! Here, have you met—?"

"Pardon us, Professor," says Sirius quickly, and he takes Remus's hand and leads him onto the dance floor.

"Denied," Remus mutters before he can help himself. Sirius barks out a laugh.

It's a fast-paced number, thankfully, so Remus and Sirius don't have to get too close. Still, Remus watches Sirius robot, twist, and shimmy up to him and doesn't want the song to ever stop—wants to freeze time right here so he can dance with Sirius without a care forever.

But the song, of course, comes to a close eventually and melts into a much slower number. Sirius stops dancing, quirks an eyebrow, and holds out one of his hands. A question—an invitation.

Against his better judgment, Remus takes it.

This is fine, he tells himself as he puts a hand on Sirius's hip and another on his shoulder. They used to do this all the time, and they both still do this all the time with James and Peter. It doesn't have to mean anything that Remus doesn't want it to, not about what Sirius feels and definitely not about what he feels.

Sirius is pretty good at ballroom dancing, having been taught it from a young age in the Blacks' home, but Remus is not, so they fall into a simple box step without any frills. Sirius is steering, because of course he is. Remus tries not to trip over Sirius's feet and looks anywhere but at his face.

"You okay?" Sirius mutters after about a minute of this. "Because we don't have to…"

"It's fine," says Remus quickly. "Everything's fine." They only just got back to some semblance of normal, and the last thing Remus wants to do is lose that again. As hard as it's been to be around Sirius feeling embarrassed and rejected all the time, avoiding him for all that time was so much worse than this, and Remus can't go back. He just can't.

They fall out of step and end up standing there with their hands on each other, just staring, until Sirius cracks first (to Remus's surprise). "I'm going to go find Prongs and Wormy," he says abruptly near the end of the song, and he lets go, and Remus lets him.

Remus meanders off the floor and back into the crowd, watching Sirius dodge Slughorn again and disappear between throngs of wizards. He figures he'll give Sirius his space if he needs it—Remus could probably use some space himself, if he's being entirely honest with himself—so he mills off in the other direction keeping his eyes peeled for anybody he might recognize. Eventually, he catches sight of Alice with Dirk Cresswell and beelines for them, one hand waving through the air.

Alice spots Remus first and waves back enthusiastically before tugging on Dirk's sleeve and pointing. "Hey, Remus," she says when Remus reaches them. "Have you tried the shrimp? It's amazing."

"No, actually, I just got here with Padfoot a few minutes ago. He's off… somewhere."

Remus isn't sure what to say to Dirk, whom he's never had much reason to interact with before and who obviously doesn't know about the Order. "It's wild how many famous people Slughorn knows," Dirk says, sparing Remus the trouble of coming up with a conversation topic. "Free Quidditch tickets whenever he wants to three different British teams' games! And I had no idea that Belby had formulated a potion for restraining werewolves during the full moon."

Remus wouldn't say that the Wolfsbane Potion restrains him—more like it gives him his mind back—but he's not here to split hairs about anything that might get him figured out as a werewolf himself. "Yeah, I've had Potions class with Belby for the last six years, and he's always been talented at it. Asshole of a person, though."

Dirk snorts, and Alice hides her smile behind her hands.

"He seems nice," Remus tells Alice mildly when Dirk ducks off to refill his and Alice's drinks fifteen minutes later. "A little… wide-eyed, you know?"

"Yeah," she says. "He always gets excited seeing people being talented at things. He's a Ravenclaw, you know." And then she asks him how he's handling the essay due in Ancient Runes next week.

Dirk brings Lily and Emmeline back with him, and Remus is just starting to drop his guard when someone taps him on the shoulder and he spins around to find Sirius standing there looking ashen. "I'm going to head out for the night," he says. "Just wanted to let you know before I go."

"Are you sure? We've been here for, like, half an hour."

"You should stay and enjoy the party," Sirius says, and something about his voice sounds—off.

Remus watches him retreat for a moment and then, making up his mind, tells the others, "I'll catch up with you later." He chases after Sirius then, tracking him down a ways down the corridor outside of the office. "Hey!" he calls, and Sirius doesn't immediately react. "Padfoot!"

Sirius turns around at that and finally stops walking away. Remus catches up and almost grabs Sirius's hand, but thinks better of it. "Is something wrong?" he asks Sirius. "Is it—did I do something wrong?"

"No!" Sirius exclaims, and then repeats more quietly, "No. Don't ever apologize to me or anyone for being who you are."

"Okay," Remus says slowly, "then what…?"

Sirius half-smiles. "I'm a hypocrite."

"Why?"

"Remember when I didn't want you to take any space?" Remus nods dumbly. "Well, maybe I need to take some space."

"Oh," says Remus.

He knows he should say more than that. Something intelligent. Something insightful and accepting and patient, no matter what's going on with Sirius. But all Remus can do is stand there and shift his weight from foot to foot, totally hanging off of every word Sirius says.

"It's just—this can't happen. I can't allow myself to…" Sirius shakes his head and lowers his chin. "I'm not available, Moony. I don't have room here to try and figure things out."

"I'm not asking you to," says Remus haltingly.

"I know! I know. I just—maybe I wish I could. Maybe, if I could, I would."

Remus doesn't speak, doesn't creep closer, doesn't even move another centimeter for fear of spooking Sirius and destroying this fragile, broken moment between them. Sirius looks like he's a razor's edge away from bolting, but he doesn't, just keeps staring at Remus and looking—

—beautiful. He looks beautiful, Remus thinks, and then hates himself for it.

"You should get back to the party," Sirius adds finally. "I'll see you back at the dormitory."

"Sirius—"

"Get back to the party, Remus," says Sirius, and he spins on his heel and takes off at a run.