Chapter Fifty Four: Ruling The World

It's been nearly a month since I returned home from the war. The nightmares still come for me late in the night. Father still comes to chase them away. He often asks me what I'm seeing in my nightmares, but I can't bring myself to talk about Meixiu. The thought of that village, the hundreds of people who lost their lives there, the smell of their burnt flesh, it makes me physically sick. One time, after I had woken up screaming for the fifth night straight, he asked me again what I saw. I began to tell him, but moments in, I ran from the room and threw up. He didn't pry much more after that.

Today is market day, and after breakfast, Mother hands me a basket and tells me what we need. I've seen children die and armies slaughtered and faced the Hun leader himself, yet the people at the market still manage to make me feel like a little girl at times. I never let them see that though. Some parents tell their kids to stand up to bullies, others tell their kids to stay out of the bullies' way. Those techniques never worked for me, so Father taught me a very important rule instead.

"Mulan," he told me. "No matter what, never let your enemies see you cry. If you let them see you cry, you have let them win."

He went on to clarify that it wasn't crying that was bad. Crying in front of a friend or family member was okay. However, bullies take advantage of tears. So, from a young age, I learned to never let the bullies see that they hurt me. I learned to fake confidence so well it almost felt real. Of course, that confidence disappeared when I was alone.

Now, I walk into the market with my spine straight and my head up. I hear the whispers, but I don't show it. I see the stares, but I don't acknowledge them.

"Can you believe her? Taking opportunities straight from the hands of real soldiers!"

"Look how she walks! In trousers nonetheless. That girl's always been strange, but I think the war sent her straight off her rocker."

"And I mean, look at that scar on her face! If my daughter looked like that, I would keep her hidden away. What a shame."

"I heard she thinks she's a man!"

I roll my eyes internally. Sometimes I'm tempted to say something, something crazy-sounding, just to freak those people out. Or maybe just curse really loud. I don't know, sometimes it's just fun to see what these people can come up with. Very few of the rumors make me angry, but some people just have to take it a step too far. The ones that upset me are the ones that involve Shang and a few "favors" I am suspected of doing for him. Idiots.

I buy the things Mother told me to get from their respective stands. Some people glare at me, others smile. Many of the little girls wave wildly until their mothers stop them. I smile and wave back nonetheless. It's strange to see how much many of the little girls have grown since the last time I saw them. I know many of them well, and before the war, I taught some of them basic reading, in secret of course. Now, while their mothers claim me to be a bad influence, though they always did that before too, the girls follow me around, tracking me down when I'm in the village and getting water from the well. They beg to hear the story of how I saved the Emperor. Then they ask questions: Did you really meet the Emperor? How pretty was the palace? Was the Imperial City gigantic?

There is only one more thing I need to get, and that is bread. Turning, I walk into the bakery. Mr. Zhang, the baker, looks at me from behind the counter. His eyes turn angry as he glares at me.

"Out!" he demands, pointing to the door. "We don't serve crossdressers here."

I want to stick up for myself, tell him that I'm still human, but I know better. I swallow my anger.

"Apologies," I state, trying hard to keep the contempt from my voice. I turn to the door.

"Go to Hell," I hear him say as I leave, closing the door just a little too hard behind myself.

Outside, people stare even more than before, having heard the brief exchange through the open bakery window. I glare back at one woman across the street from me, as if to say "What are you looking at?" She walks away, nose held high in the air. I want to hit something, but a public outburst isn't really what I need right now. I look down the street and see the little library I spent so much time at as a child. I think it's about time I paid an old friend a visit.

I open the door to the library, a little bell hung above the door announcing my arrival. The smell of paper and ink slightly soothes my nerves. The familiarity of the place calms me.

Mr. Chang looks up from the book he is reading. Upon seeing me, he snaps it shut, a huge smile on his face as he stands to greet me.

"Fa Mulan!" he cries, his arms spread wide in exclamation. "I was wondering when you'd find your way down here again!"

"Hey, Mr. Chang," I wave, a smile forming on my face as well. This man's cheerfulness has always been contagious.

"Heard you've been back in town for a little while. What kept you?"

"Not much time for reading lately, I'm afraid," I tell him, setting my basket down on a nearby table.

"Ah, of course, now that you're a national heroine," he states, sitting down on a chair and tapping the one beside him. I sit.

"So tell me. How did you like the big city?"

I laugh a little. "It was beautiful, though a little too loud and crowded for my taste."

Mr. Chang chuckles. "Welcome home."

"Thanks, it's good to be back." I glance out one of the open windows into the street. "Well, most times."

He becomes a little somber. "Yeah, they're giving you trouble, aren't they?" He sighs. "I've heard the rumors."

"You don't believe any of them, do you?" I ask, a little alarmed.

Mr. Chang's smile returns, though not as big as before. "Of course not. Those people come up with the craziest things sometimes." He chuckles momentarily. "Hey, do you remember when those kids started spreading that rumor that you were a witch, and that you came in here to perform spells?"

I roll my eyes. "The kids who picked on me had a great imagination, I'll give them that."

We both laugh a little at that. Sitting here, in this room where I spent so much of my childhood, laughing with Mr. Chang, it's almost like the war didn't happen. It's like I'm a kid again, and things are still kind of alright. But the war happened, and I'm grown now.

I rise. "Well, I've gotta go. Just wanted to stop in, make sure you know I'm not neglecting you."

"Yeah, alright," he states, rising also.

I bid him farewell and head for the door.

"Hey, Mulan," he calls.

I turn. "Yeah?"

"I like the new look," he states, gesturing towards me with his chin.

I chuckle. "Well, they call me a crossdresser. Might as well embrace it."

I walk out, his booming laugh rejuvenating me and giving me a fresh dose of confidence. I walk home with my head held high, ignoring easily the whispers and rumors and stares and glares.

At home, Mother tells me I've forgotten the bread. I simply tell her that the bakery doesn't serve crossdressers before walking outside to check on Khan.

I have just finished giving Khan some water when I hear the sound of footsteps. I turn my head and see Father opening the gate to the corral and stepping inside. His face displays the same look he used to wear when I was bullied as a child, and I am sure that Mother must have told him about what happened at the bakery.

"Hey, Father," I state cheerfully, trying to lighten the mood.

He gives me a half-hearted smile before letting it fall. I sigh.

"Mother told you, didn't she?"

"Yes." He shakes his head sadly. "I'm sorry, Mulan."

"It's not your fault," I tell him, shrugging my shoulders.

"Do they spread rumors about you?" he asks carefully, almost like he is afraid to hear the answer.

"They always have, Father. But, yes, there are new ones now."

He sighs. "I'm sorry."

I pick up a brush and comb Khan's fur, trying to avoid Father's eyes. "Don't worry. They're idiots, Father. I'm good at dealing with idiots."

"And how do you do that?"

I turn to him, smiling. "I don't let them see me cry."

He chuckles, ruffling my hair like he used to when I was small.

A knock on the gate interrupts us. Father walks over, pulling it open. A courier stands outside, holding an envelope in his hand.

"Fa Mulan?" he asks, looking at me.

"Yes."

He holds the envelope out to me. I take it, and he turns around, mounting his horse once more, muttering something about crossdressers. Father and I share a look of exasperation before he closes the gate, and we walk together to the porch. He sits on the old rocking chair, while I take a seat on the porch step. I examine the envelope.

"It's from Shang," I tell Father. He looks worried for a moment. "I don't think it's military-related. Something like that would have been sent officially, not from him personally," I assure Father. He nods. I open the envelope, pulling a letter out from inside of it.

Dear Fa Mulan…or Ping,

How are you? I hope you are well, as my family and I are. It just occurred to me that I'm not quite sure how to write something that isn't military-related. Well, anyway, I think that you, Mushu, the trio, and myself should get together at some point. Our families as well. My sister is dying to meet you, and I have news to share, something I would rather do in person. Don't worry, it's good news. I think it would be best if we all met at your house since it is in between my home and that of the others. Talk it over with your family and let me know. Also please tell the others because I am not doing this four more times. You should probably stop reading now because I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to end this. Writing reports is so much simpler. You are never going to let me forget this letter, are you?

Sincerely,

Your Friend, Li Shang

I smile at the letter. I can just imagine how long coming up with what to say in it took poor Shang. He's right. I'll never let him forget this.

Father asks me what the letter says, and I hand it to him, watching as he chuckles at Shang's struggles. He tells me that he likes Shang's idea, and I agree. I wonder about the news, though. Did I ever mention to him that I hate surprises? And also, why everyone except for Qing? The only thing I can think of is the fact that Qing is the only one of the guys who decided against re-enlisting in the army. War's not for him, he told me.

I retrieve the letter back from Father before retreating to my room. Once there, I think about Shang's idea. All of our families together. That means Mushu's family. And that means her.

Sweet, beautiful, makes-me-forget-how-to-speak Meili.

What will happen when she sees me? Will our friendship have survived these years of separation, as the one I have with Mushu has? Will she notice how much I've changed? And what about when our families see each other? They were friends before the accident, but now?

So many questions race around my head. I collapse on my bed with a huff. Little Brother, who had been napping in a sunbeam on the floor, jumps onto my bed, laying his head against my chest before returning to his slumber. I stroke him absentmindedly.

Before she left, Meili knew me better than anyone, sometimes even better than Mushu did. I was skeptical when I first met her. Girls like Melei didn't hang out with girls like me. And yet, she did. She was always so oblivious to the things that separated me from the other girls. She liked me for me. Will she still?

The first time I met Meili, I was cheerful, excited by the idea of having friends. However, the second time I saw her, a few days after our initial meeting, I was quite the opposite. Meili got to see me in a state I refused to let others see me in, and while at first that had bugged me, I learned to enjoy the idea of being real with a person for the first time in my life.

-Flashback-

I squeeze myself into a ball under the small bridge which goes over the river, avoiding the wet bank, my face buried into my drawn-up knees. I don't want to cry. Crying's for babies, and I'm not a baby. I'm five. I'm big now. But, the tears come anyway, hot and wet. All is quiet except for the gentle rush of the river and my soft crying.

Suddenly, I hear footsteps. My body tenses, expecting the worst, expecting the triplets.

"Hi," a girl says in a tiny voice.

I turn my head the slightest bit so that my one eye can peek out and see who's there. It's that girl, Meili, from next door. The one with the dim-witted brother with the dragon pin. I bury my face back in my knees.

"Hi," I reply, my voice cracking slightly.

"Hey, I remember you! You're Mulan, that girl next door, right?" I hear her move to my left side, taking a seat.

"Yes."

"Do you remember me?"

"Yes."

"Are you crying?" she asks softly.

"No," I tell her firmly.

"Oh."

A pause.

"What are you doing then?"

"Hiding," I whisper.

"Are you playing hide and seek? Can I play?"

I lift my head up from my knees for a moment, my dark hair covering half of my face.

"No," I state, maybe a little rudely.

Her face falls. "No, you're not playing…or no, I can't play?"

"No," I state again, my head dropping back to my knees. Doesn't this girl take a hint?

To my irritation, she doesn't leave. "Can't you say more than yes and no? You were talking the other day."

I look up at her again. "Go away," I tell her. "I want to be alone."

"No one wants to be alone," she replies, ignoring my first statement.

"I do."

She looks sadly at her hands. Great, now I've done it. The one girl in town that doesn't act like I have a disease, and I hurt her feelings.

"Listen… I'm sorry. I just don't wanna talk right now."

"Who are you hiding from?" she asks.

I don't know whether to laugh or scream. I say I don't want to talk, yet she keeps making conversation. I want to be angry at her, to tell her that all of this is none of her business, but for some reason, I don't. For some reason, I want to talk to her.

"Those boys," I tell her, looking at the ground in shame. "I'm hiding from the boys that were hurting Mushu the other day."

'She's gonna leave now,' I think to myself. 'She's gonna say I'm a coward.'

"I thought you scared those boys away the other day," she states, confused.

"No, a snake scared them away the other day."

I turn to look her in the eyes for the first time today, moving the hair out of my face. She gasps.

"Your eye… It's purple!"

I figured it was.

"Yeah. Those mouth breathers gave me a black eye because of what I did. Then they chased me, so I came down here to hide."

"Why don't you tell your parents?" she asks me.

I sigh. "They know."

"Won't they do anything?"

"Nothing they can do," I tell her. "The boys' parents don't care. Besides, they've only hit me once or twice before. It's not a big deal."

"It is a big deal," she huffs, crossing her arms. "You saved Mushu from them. Don't you have friends that can save you?"

"I don't have any friends," I state solemnly, looking at the ground again.

"Yeah you do!" she exclaims. "You got me and Mushu! We're good friends. I promise."

She stops to think for a moment, staring at me contemplatively before smiling again.

"You're a good friend too, Fa Mulan," she announces finally.

"I am?" I ask, baffled. I'm not good at anything. If anything, I mess everything up.

"Yep!" she states, scooting closer to me on the ground. "I can tell because you saved Mushu, and that's what friends do. Friends help each other, and they tell each other secrets, and they never, ever lie!" She says the last bit very seriously. I listen eagerly. I want a friend. I've wanted a friend my whole life. Now, I might have two, but I gotta do it right.

"You got any secrets?" Meili asks. I shake my head. "You lie?" I shake my head again. "Good. You're my best friend now. Come on, let's go find Mushu and we can play!"

My head's spinning a little. I just went from friend to best friend in less than a minute. Maybe I'm better at having friends than I think! I start to get up but then hesitate.

"What's wrong?" Meili asks.

"I don't know if I should come," I say.

"Don't worry about those boys," she tells me. "You've got friends now, so we're like a team. You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!"

She tries to look threatening, but it just comes out looking silly.

I look at my feet. I shouldn't say this next part. I mean, I just got friends. Do I really want to chance losing them? But, I've gotta warn her.

"You guys shouldn't be friends with me," I tell her, ashamed. "If you hang out with me, all the other kids that pick on me will pick on you. They're real mean."

"If they're mean then I don't want to be friends with them," Meili states stubbornly, crossing her arms. "I like you, Mulan. Come on, let's go play!" She waves her arm excitedly, beckoning me to follow. I hesitate once more before finally following her. As we walk towards town to find Mushu. Meili asks me something.

"What's a mouth breather?"

I laugh for the first time today as I explain the term. By the end of my lesson, Meili is laughing with me, saying "mouth breather" over and over because she thinks it's funny. She thinks I'm funny. Who knew? Fa Mulan, a good friend. Yeah, that's what I'm going to be.

As far as I know, Meili never told Mushu that I had been crying that day. In fact, when we met up with him to play, and he asked if I had been, Meili was the one to deny it for me. Somehow, she knew it was something I needed to keep private.

From that day on, Meili fascinated me. In public, she could be a good little girl. She sipped and poured tea nicely. She moved with grace, never once tripping or stumbling. She could be invisible, the way a woman should be. When it was just Mushu, her, and I, though, she was talkative, even a little bossy at times. She knew when it was alright to just let go and have fun.

I remember the first time I convinced her to run with me. We had been twelve, the soft, green summer grass tickling our bare feet. It took a bit to convince her, but soon enough, we were both holding our skirts above our knees, running as fast as we could in the summer sun. By the end, we were out of breath and laughing hard, and Meili had told me it was the most fun she'd ever had since she was little.

It's funny. It's those little things, like racing barefoot through the grass, that I remember best. Those were the moments when we were in our own little world, ignoring the rules and mannerisms of the real one. It was just Mulan and Meili, two girls who were polar opposites yet exactly the same at the same time. For a few beautiful minutes, we ruled the world.

Author's Note: Hello there wonderful readers! I know this update is a week late. Sorry! Can you forgive me? There was just a lot going on in this chapter, and I wanted to do it right. I loved writting Mulan and Meili's conversation as kids. It was just so fun! And what about Shang's letter? Oh, I just love making him awkward! Overall, this chapter was just super fun to write! What do you guys think? Please leave a review to let me know; I love getting them! Also, there is a chance I may be a little late with future updates. We are nearing the end of this story, so the chapters will probably be a little longer, and I want to make sure I write them just they way I want! Thanks for all your understanding! Also, if you actually read this whole note, good job and thanks a million!