AN: Another chapter that completely got away from me, so I guess: Happy weekend reading!

Chapter Title "No Kind Words" by The Maccabees

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!

The ghosts that had slipped into their luggage from the very beginning, without an invitation or a valid travel ticket, were making an appearance whenever they felt like it:

This whole year, him almost dying twice, Andrea, commitment issues, Nate, letting things go, feeling lost and overwhelmed, falling completely in love and trying to make that relationship work, fear of failing, resurrected themes of the pasts, the list went on. It seemed like there was not really an intermediate level of emotions for him and Rianne.

The ups and downs were coming fast and hard Jay mused, when he looked into the flames and sparks the 'asador' in Rianne's father's yard was still emitting. And it only had been four days away from home.

There were these bright and precious moments, making Jay incredibly happy, his heart so full, sometimes he thought it would burst. The moments that were creating little polaroids, forever embedded in his mind.
Like just ere-yesterday in the wee morning hours, when he had carried Rianne back to bed after their night out:

How she had looked at him after he had given her that Christmas present and when he had looked at the rings on her finger and thought that this was exactly what he wanted his future to look like, for once without a doubt in his mind. And how good it felt to be sure at least about some things: unwavering, solidly sure.
How the silence between them had been so loaded and electric when he'd undressed her, like this was their first time.
How she had been so sensitive to his every touch, incredibly sensual and erotic in her fragile 7 am state: Honest, real and a little vulnerable. How every movement and caress had been a burning slow-motion sensation, so very focused and intense. How it had probably been the most truthful example of two bodies actually melting into one another, in complete unison. Jay could still see the look on her face she had worn throughout this, completely cracked open, letting him see everything. He could still hear every little gasp and moan so clearly, the sweet nothings she had whispered in his ear, how she had sighed his name against his shoulder, when he closed his eyes now and it was sending shivers down his spine.

They had spent the last two days lounging around the house, on Christmas Day nursing their slight hangover, watching Rianne's favorite Christmas movies, which seemed a little bizarre in this heat, face-timing his brother back in Chicago to wish him and Nat a "Merry Christmas" or rather "Merry Med Shift" to make Will a little jealous, as they were hanging out at the pool. It had also been his twisted way of thanking his brother for giving him a push a few days prior. Showing Will that he had really made it.

Jay had found himself enjoying this alternate Christmas scenario up until now. It wasn't stirring up too many wistful memories of Christmases he could remember from when he had been a little boy. It was creating completely different and new memories in the here and now. Somehow everyone was allowed to do as they pleased around here and whereas he knew that it bothered Rianne a little, because she wished for a bit more family coherence and structure, it aided Jay to be a little more at ease. There just was a lot of breathing space as well as distraction in between this loud bunch as since Christmas Day currently fifteen people lived on the property.

Right now though Jay desperately needed to get a grip and desperately remember these highlights, because there also were confusing moments like tonight that brought up toxic thoughts and convictions that had manifested inside of him and that he wasn't able to shake completely:

"Maybe Rianne didn't tell you, but she won't play house with you forever, she will never settle down like that!"

And maybe despite all that connection, all those feelings and passion it would prove to be true: There were things Rianne couldn't move past, or not with him at least.

A little voice inside his head was laughing cynically: Hadn't he seen this coming? Away from their usual routines, the things that had brought them together, some deeper issues on both sides floated up to the surface, just like he'd been afraid they would.

The party, or asado, in honor of Rianne's grandmother was slowly dying down. Like many things this "commemoration" service had turned out differently than he had expected: The Torres Delgado's had made it a tradition to celebrate Maria Rosa's birthday rather than have a sad and all-black service at a local church. The matriarch would have turned 90 this year.

So in the morning (or rather early noon in Jay's time reckoning - he had learned that punctuality was considered rude in Argentina) Alvaro had taken out all the men for a game of golf at a local range, leaving the women to prepare for the big fiesta they hosted in the afternoon. Not that Jay approved of the gender segregation, and Rianne kept telling him he could always bail out if he didn't feel comfortable with this, but he'd actually had a lot of fun. Apart from Alvaro and his brother Joaquin everyone really sucked at the game, so this was rather a social gathering with snacks and some aperitifs. There were glimpses of how it / he could be: An ordinary man spending time with his girlfriend's folks. Engaging in small talk and joint activities, discovering his passion for old hobbies like soccer, feeling welcomed in a very easygoing, no strings attached way.

Just like he always did he had been looking for hidden agendas when interacting with all of Rianne's family members. It just was in his nature. Concerning some candidates he wasn't really 100% sure, because one never could be, but overall these were genuinely nice people. Making contact wasn't a problem, it really had never been for him on a superficial level. Maybe the only thing gnawing at him was the question if in the face of so many flamboyant personalities his own might seem a little plain and straightforward.

Her father wasn't that scary really. Alvaro was actually a casual and blithe person to have around, as long as you didn't have any expectations or you weren't related to him directly. Jay and him hadn't had that many moments alone because Alvaro hadn't looked for those as Jay would have expected. To figure out his intentions towards his daughter or something like that. It was fine by Jay for it certainly was less pressure to be in a whole group of men all the time.

Jay especially liked hanging out with Sergio (Rianne's Brazilian uncle by marriage), Pepe and Danilo (Rianne's teenage cousins) and her cousin's husband and boyfriend. The first because he was an interesting character and someone Jay would never have met weren't it for this family get-together. Overall Sergio was a very spiritual man and fun to be around, always giving out wise comments, a certain waft of marihuana around him starting late afternoon, proudly wearing his shock of hip-length dreadlocks despite being in his mid-forties. The other four because they were simply just boys that wanted to have a good time, despite their varying ages. Their attitude to life was so carefree and naive it was a breeze of fresh air. How beautiful was that gift of innocence? Jay loved to look at Rianne, meet her eyes, whenever someone said something that sounded very dewy-eyed to their ears and know that she shared his thoughts: Oh the things they had seen and undergone. It felt like her and him were a secret society among this group and he liked that feeling.

When they had gotten back to the estate in the late afternoon even more friends and friends of friends of the family had gathered against the backdrop of a spectacular barbecue, people all dressed in colorful summer clothes, music and loud dialogue building an acoustic level that was both overwhelming and stimulating. The Torres Delgados had gone all out and there was more food than usual, if that was even possible.
Jay's eyes had found Rianne immediately, she always was easy to spot for him: she had been sitting with her youngest cousin, a sweet 10year-old girl who was braiding Rianne's hair in a very serious and dedicated way, while Rianne was chatting away with her aunts, already into a bottle of red.
Just three days in the sun and she could pull off a cream high-slit maxi-dress and look as radiant as ever. The kiss she blew him when she spotted him among the arrivals felt warm and conspiratorial.
Next to all the joy he felt at seeing her so in her element unfortunately something else stirred inside of him being faced with these images of family-life. A jealousy maybe, because he knew he wasn't the first man to see her like this, not the first man she had had this with. A need for answers to the questions that were bubbling up: Where was this going? Was this going where he wanted it to go? Did they really want the same things? Did he fit in here in the long run and not just for five minutes?

Jay looked across to the guest house porch, where Rianne was still sitting with her aunt Eliana, who looked more like she could be her mum in that crochet hippie dress than Rianne's real one ever would. Maybe that was exactly what she needed right now: A motherly advice, a female perspective he couldn't give to her in that moment. Overall just a warm and caring person who understood where she came from, when he wasn't able to.

"Didn't take the news well, huh?" Mark approached him, offering him another cold beer, that Jay gladly took.

"Nope… not at all!" He took a deep drag and kept looking over at his girlfriend.

"I swear to you man, this family is a little nuts. But: It never gets boring!"

A few hours earlier:

"Now that everyone is here and seen as mi mama always said 'The more the merrier': Inés and I would like to make an announcement!"

Rianne held her breath when her father raised his glass of champagne to the gathered guests. What announcement could he possibly make?

"We are having a baby!"

Rianne's wineglass shattered to the ground with a loud crash and burst into a million pieces on the concrete tiles. Momentarily everyone turned around in the direction of the noise, but then their attention was back on the happy couple sharing the good news. Congratulations, cheers and Spanish phrases of encouragement arose, whereas Rianne waited for the ground to swallow her up after a hysterical laugh had escaped her throat. When that didn't happen she turned on her heel, not registering that Jay was trying to get her attention by putting his hand in her back, softly saying her name. All she could hear was the sizzling flame of rage threatening to burn her insides. She needed to get away fast.

Rianne wouldn't have thought her father had even noticed her running away:
She had been pretty much ignoring him since Christmas-Eve and that boatload of money she hadn't been able to bring herself to confront him with, wanting to stay in the happy holiday bubble she was trying to establish with Jay. As her father was less confrontational and not calling her out on anything usually like her mother would have, this hadn't been too hard actually.

Way to drop another bombshell on her now and why oh why did this pregnancy thing catch up with her again? She'd thought she'd left that behind in Chicago.
Rianne guessed that some things were meant to come back until one had learned from them, but she could certainly have done without that lesson.
How the hell could her dad spring this on her? Just like that, in front of everyone? How could he want to become a father again? He hadn't been so great at it the first time around! Rianne normally wasn't judgy when it came to the age of parents, but this was her dad. He was edging towards 70 for god's sake!

"A little upfront warning would have been nice," she fumed when her father had caught up to her making soothing hand-gestures and looking pretty guilty altogether.

"I was afraid you wouldn't have come if I told you!"

"Yeah, but that would have been my decision! Now I am trapped here with this news! Thanks so much!"

She couldn't help but feel absolutely jealous of this unborn child from the very beginning, at the same time feeling very immature about that. But he or she would get all the attention growing up she had never gotten, blessed with a stay-at-home-trophy-wife and a dad in retirement.

"Can't you just be happy for me and Inés hija?"

"No, I'm sorry - I can't just be happy because you want me to be!"

The reality of the news was just slowly sinking in, the throbbing pulse in her ear picking up the pace: "I can't believe you chose to announce this on the day that is meant for abuela! That's so typical! It's always about you!"

Now she was on a real roll, didn't even let her father get a word in. She knew nothing he would say could calm her down. Rianne felt that dangerous rage tear her apart inside, especially as she had blown the lid she'd had on it. There was no stopping her now, as this was a really old rage only her parents could enflame. A sudden thought popped up in her head and she gave her father an even more furious look:

"This why you gave me that insane amount of money? Trying to buy my consent somehow?" Maybe this was wishful thinking on her part though, thinking her father would care enough to even want her consent.

"What? No! Mi pollito, por favor!" Alvaro had the audacity to look truly hurt by her words, still trying to come closer to her, Rianne backing up into the corner of the patio.

She really didn't care that everyone could probably hear and see them fighting. She gave a damn about appearances right now.

"Don't call me that, I'm not a child anymore!"

The endearment triggered more fury because it had always been his scheme: Console her with presents and little droplets of love and attention, then turn away again and do his own thing. He had never asked what she really wanted from him.

"You were talking about moving into a new home together and I thought you could use some start-up capital!"

"Is it because of Jay? Are you trying to scare him off? Like you did with Andrea?"

"I never tried to scare Andrea off with money! Is Yay upset I gave you the cheque? I thought he'd be more reasonable…"

"His name is Jay dad: JAY, with a 'J'! Don't act like you can't pronounce that! And no he isn't upset, because I didn't tell him. The hell you're not trying to scare people away with money! This is exactly what you did to Andrea! You never respected him, you constantly embarrassed him, so what exactly was wrong? Just for once be honest and tell me!"

Care enough to tell me the little girl inside her screamed.

"I just saw myself in him! Joder!" Now her father was practically screaming at her too, very close to her face, obviously shocked that these words had left his mouth.

Rianne froze with a heavy beating heart. She must've heard him wrong.

"That's what wasn't right! It was never about him being poor or without a proper job! It was about him being fucking unreliable and making you suffer because of it. Just like I was when I was his age and look how things turned out with your mother and I! I was worried about you Rianne! You deserved someone to take care of you, when we were doing a very poor job on that front!"

Rianne was speechless. Those were words she had never heard from either of her parents. It would have been nice to hear them quite some time ago, possibly when the person they were talking about had still been alive. An honest conversation would have maybe resolved some of the reservations and misunderstandings earlier. It was a little late now, was it? Her bitterness prevailed:

"There are other ways to get involved in my life than through money. We've had that discussion before! Maybe you'll get it right the second time around, good luck!"

She left him standing there, actual tears in his eyes, and went to fix herself a stiff drink, maybe two.

Jay had thought about following Rianne the moment she'd stormed off, but then noticed her father had slipped from the crowd. As the raised voices of father and daughter carried he could hear definite arguing on the patio, but he couldn't understand what exactly was being said. It sure was a very vocal confrontation with a lot of swearing involved.

The moment the announcement had been made he'd known how hard that would hit Rianne. On many levels in an unexpected, confusing way!

Still trying to decide wether or not to get involved, Jay felt that someone was behind him and turned around to see Alvaro's concerned and defeated face in the semidarkness just after sunset:

"I think she needs you more than me now!"

Jay didn't need to be told twice.

"Babe? You in here?"

Jay found her in the little secluded corner of the living-area, where a house-bar held everything to host a fancy cocktail-party on the spot.
It seemed Rianne had been going for the strong stuff as she was finishing off a tumbler of light brown liquid when he walked in. There were no tears on her face, which surprised him. He approached her carefully, not sure what the situation was right now:

"Some news, hm?" he tried, watching her every movement and facial display of emotions carefully.

"Oh, don't give me those pity eyes!" She shook her head at him while filling up her glass a second time, getting one for him as well.

When she pushed it into his direction her pupils were unusually cold and full of sourness.

"That's not pity! Just checking in on you!"

"Well, I don't need you to check in on me! I'm super great! Cheers!" And she downed the second tumbler of probably very expensive liquor in one.

Jay winced for two reasons: a) because this stuff was supposed to be sipped and b) he knew that look in her eyes. This was going sideways very fast. On closer inspection he saw that two crystal glasses and a vase were on the ground, shattered to pieces.

"Cheers to everyone getting pregnant all of a sudden!" Rianne reached for the bottle again.

Jay stepped into her space, stilling her hand with his and trying to get through to her: "Maybe you should slow down for a minute and talk to me!"

"So you're here to tell me what I should and shouldn't do? What I should and shouldn't feel about this?" Her voice was low, but dangerously close to a growl, her face only inches away from his.

"No, I just think you've maybe had enough to drink and that you could rather tell me what's on your mind!"

Not that her voice was slurry yet, but he feared she was on her way to a dangerous and very destructive state of drunk. There was only so much high-percentage liquor she could hold.

"Maybe I don't wanna talk. Like I said: I'm absolutely okay with this! So why don't you let me drink in peace?"

"Come one Rianne, don't be like that!"

"Like what?"

"Pretending you don't care! It's not you!"

"The hell it isn't! Seems like you just have been lucky enough to have never seen this side of me until now! I hope you enjoy it!"

She was right, he hadn't seen this exact behavior from her, at least not to this extent. He tried a different approach, coax her out of this bitter state by cracking a half-serious joke. Maybe in hindsight this had been a little inappropriate, but he was a bit out of his depth on how to deal with her:

"D'you wanna get pregnant too? We can make that happen right now you know!?"

Big mistake! Rianne's eyes almost popped out of their sockets and she pushed against his chest to get some distance between them:

"No, of course not! What the hell Jay? Way to make your opinion concerning kids known!"

Her vehement reaction slowly triggered anger and confusion inside Jay too: "I think I made my intentions known many times before today!"

"Did you now? Maybe you should stop acting like a child first before thinking about having one of your own!"

"Ouch!"

He knew this was connected to his stunt before their flight and that he deserved this somehow, but it still hurt. A loaded silence followed. Rianne's hands were shaking around the glass she was holding and he could see the tears behind her eyes. Maybe he could turn this around after all:

"Try to enlighten me though why this would be so horrible!"

"You wouldn't get it!"

"Try me!"

"Why are you pushing this all of a sudden? You wanna tie me to you at all costs, is that what you want? Just a few days ago you weren't even sure if you wanna get your ass on a plane and now you're talking about having kids?"

"I never said that I wanna tie you to me! You're being irrational right now!"

His patience with her brattishness was on the verge of fading.

"Me? Irrational?"

"I just really wanna know why this is such a big deal and why I'm the bad guy all of a sudden! Who said anything about me putting some kind of shackles on you?"

"I don't know! Maybe the fact that I am furious with my dad for going public with this news and not talk to me first and your solution is: 'you know what honey? let's have a baby too, so you don't have to be sad no more!' As if it was that easy!"

"Actually it is! If you wanted to I'd be all in!"

"You're insane!" She gave him a scornful look and laughed unhappily.

"Am I?"

"Jay this is really not the right time to talk about this!"

"I think it's the best possible time, otherwise we'll probably never talk about this. We live together, we decided to buy / rent a house or whatever, it was your idea actually. For me this means we're in this for the long haul. So excuse me for having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I got the impression you were freaking out for a minute when I gave you those rings. You thought I was going to propose and you looked at me as if I was insane. You're doing it again right now. And it kinda hurts! Why is it so freaking scary to talk about kids and marriage if we wanna stay together?"

He definitely needed some answers now. It seemed like they had been dancing around some issues long enough and there was taking back words that had already been said.

"It freaks me out, because I don't want anything to change between us! Once we were married it only went downhill for Andrea and I! And that fear of loosing another child again? I don't know if I can survive that and I already told you. So yeah, maybe I rather not get pregnant or married at all. Doesn't mean I can't get upset that my father is having a child with his kid-wife!"

"I get that you're upset about that, but are you sure it's only connected to you feeling like he's choosing someone over you again? And your fear of things changing between us? Doesn't have to be like that Rianne! We're different people, this is a different situation! Or don't you wanna be in a serious relationship suddenly? Are you trying to end this?"

Jay couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth, but there they were out in the open: All his fears!

"What? How on earth does this...," she motioned between her and him, "...equal me wanting to break up with you? I just don't wanna rush into things! Besides getting married and having kids is really no guarantee for a happy ever after!"

"Just a little while ago you said you will get there!"

He knew he was grasping at straws, at little security pillars and on the verge of turning this argument into something that he hadn't been aiming for. But they both were on a roll.

"Yeah, maybe - I said: Maybe! That was roughly two months ago. Not really enough time to wrap my head around this as we have been dealing with so much other stuff!"

"Is it because you think I am not ready?" Because I am such a wreck, he added in his head.

"That is really not what I need to hear right now Jay!"

"How about what I need? I need you to get ready to talk about this like adults and not upset and weird! I understand that to a certain degree, but..."

"Are you ready to be a dad? With that job? Is that responsible? I just fear it would break me to loose something again, whichever way! Besides me getting pregnant? Chances are it's never going to happen for me anyway! You happy now?"

Jay didn't know what she meant by that, but he didn't get the chance to ask her about it as Rianne was shutting their discussion down when suddenly her step-mother stood in the room. He somehow felt like the air had been punched from his chest.

Rianne rolled her eyes to the ceiling and laughed sarcastically while pouring herself another four fingers of Single Malt. Then she walked over to Inés. Jay wasn't sure what to expect, what her interaction with the woman who carried her father's second child would be. With a fake smile plastered over her face Rianne patted Inés' arm and purred "felicitación" before she raised her glass and grabbed the pack of smokes lying on the mantlepiece next to her.

She stormed off, already lighting a cigarette while heading outside again. Jay guessed at least to some degree just to spite him.
Normally she wasn't the one who walked out of an argument, this was more his part. So he had a hard time reigning in the panicky feeling and just let her walk.

"You're no good for her! Andrea's turning in his grave seeing the two of you canoodling around! You couldn't live up to him even if you tried!"

Would Nate's hateful words from months ago finally prove true? Jay was refusing to accept that.

"You're not that solid house-wife and arm-candy he is probably looking for! He's going to slow you down, you're a free spirit!"

"¡Ostras!"

Her aunt had found her away from the still ongoing party, sitting on the dark terrace of the guest house. She threw a new package of cigarettes in her lap. Rianne gladly took them, hoping smoking some more, up to the point where she'd feel slightly queasy in combination with the alcohol she'd been digesting would finally ease away some of her tension. Jay wouldn't like it, but screw him right now. He didn't get to tell her what to do or feel. If she wanted to smoke her feelings right now she would just do that! God she had almost forgotten how intense he could get during an argument and how that arrogant raise of his upper lip really annoyed the hell out of her.

But when Eliana took her hand in hers and pressed her other one to it Rianne suddenly found herself bursting into tears.

She had been rather looking forward to seeing this youngest sibling of her father again. Eliana was in some unconventional marriage with Sergio from Brazil, a musician, five years her junior, giving a damn about conventions. Their three kids looked like perfect combinations of mother and father: Soft cappuccino skin and curls ranging from a dark blonde to a hazelnut-brown. Rianne was absolutely in love with them, especially her little cousin Amanda and vice versa. Even if they didn't see much of each other, there was mutual admiration there. The youngest one of the bunch had spent every possible minute with her older cousin since they'd arrived a day before yesterday, painting her nails and sharing her newest tattoo stickers with her. Amanda even had been short of following Jay and Rianne back to their bedroom and have a sleepover. Wanting him to ease into things first before she shared their only private space in between this family hustle she'd promised her they would make it happen some time during the next days, maybe when some of them went to stay at the family's beach homes in Mar Azul as of tomorrow.

As the nestling of the three siblings, her aunt had probably been the closest to their mother Maria Rosa, soaking up her wisdom. Actually it was soothing to see that some parts of her grandmother still lived among them through others.

"¿Qué pasa?" The older woman asked after a while, studying Rianne closely, who had settled down a bit, wiping at her face. Her head was starting to hurt.

"Somehow papa's announcement ended up in a big fight between Jay and I and I can't get my head on straight!"

As Eliana was urging her to elaborate with her eyes Rianne told her more about that argument, trying to sort through the content, because she still couldn't understand how it had come to this. Her aunt didn't give out advise, she just listened and hummed affirmatively. Lighting a cigarette of her own she blew out the smoke into the air in elaborate rings, nodding in the direction of the pool:

"What happened to his shoulder? I noticed he's got a pretty nasty scar when we were at the pool yesterday!"

"He got shot over two months ago!"

"I'm sorry. Must be scary being with someone who has a dangerous job like that!"

Her aunt's words hit her right in the heart: "Yeah, he could tell you some pretty crazy stories!"

Rianne looked over to the place where Jay was playing ball with her teenage cousins and Mark and Chris, sometimes stealing glances at her and her aunt, but keeping his distance. He could have run off by now, gone up to their room or elsewhere, away from them, but instead he had stayed. Remorse was creeping into her every bone:

"How's he still here? I said some awful things to him."

"Because he's in love with you amor! And he cares, a lot! Maybe you don't know what it feels like to be looked after like that! I think he feels you even if you're not on the same page. But maybe you find that hard to bear because it scares you so much. You feel like he can and will take that away any minute. It was like that for me at least when I met Sergio!"

Did she push him away because she wanted him too much? Was she still afraid she would lose herself?

"Look, I never knew your husband that well, but I know that love was equally important for you and there is no 'better' love. There are just all kinds of love, never the same love twice. The way I see it Jay can let you shine without feeling someone's stealing his thunder. I saw that when you sang for us before, for your abuela. The way he looked at you? He can give you all the spotlight in the world and not feel threatened by it and that's pretty special. So, I'm sure you can work it out! Acerca de mi hermano: Simplemente un tonto!"

Rianne smiled a little and rested her head against her aunts shoulder, breathing in her unique scent of sun-soaked skin, garlic and Aqua di Goia. It felt good to not be the only one in the family who was not completely enthusiastic about her father's news.

"Would you wanna get married and try for a kid again or isn't that even an option?" Eliana asked, looking into the direction of Jay and her kids now too.

Rianne found she didn't hesitate long to answer that question, surprising herself: "If ever then Jay is the only one I would do it with!"

"So tell him exactly that!"

"I'm gonna go to bed!"

Suddenly Jay was right in front of them, making Rianne's heart beat faster.
Jesus, he was really much more mature than her, building her a bridge, after she had been the most destructive version of herself. But she didn't have the guts to cross it. Not knowing how to break through the protective guard around him, what to say to take away the hurt in his eyes. Rianne hated that she had put it there.

When she didn't say anything and just nodded after this announcement that held so much more meaning than the simple info itself, he put his hands in the pockets of his shorts, bowed his head to her aunt and turned towards the house, the strides of his long legs eating up the ground fast.

"Aren't you gonna go after him?" Eliana scolded when Rianne still didn't move, kicking her in the shin with her bare foot.

"Come on, now is as good as any time!"

"Jay! Jay?" A panicked voice suddenly called out, running after him and grabbing his elbow with some hesitation.

Jay stopped in his tracks, taking a deep breath. He had just reached the landing to the first floor, and found himself faced with a very distressed Rianne, her features probably mirroring the expression he wore.

"Would … could we maybe talk?"

"You wanna talk or yell at me again?"

"Talk!"

"I, I'm so sorry for what I said!"

They had decided to go for a walk down the street, not knowing if this would turn into another heated argument, that they didn't need all her relatives to be a witness to. Also Rianne said she needed to walk off the booze and fixed herself a strong coffee to go before they left the house.
It was still really warm outside, but Jay was shivering inwardly, not knowing how this would go. Crickets were chirping, distant sounds of music and people talking around them when they walked the streets of the gated area.

"Yeah, me too…"

"I guess I didn't expect this to hit me so bad!"

Jay was glad Rianne made the first step to fix this by opening up about why she thought she maybe couldn't have children. That the doctor's had said it would be highly unlikely for her to get pregnant again without some treatment first, because of all the trauma to her body from the accident and that dramatic birth. She had never dared to touch this subject until now. Rianne wanted to know if he really knew what he wanted, if he had it all figured out somehow, if he still wanted to be with her even if they couldn't have their own family.

"Of course I would still want to be with you and no I don't have all the answers yet. I just don't like you to make decisions and not include me. I would choose being with you over a kid every time. Let's just agree to keep talking okay? Keep an open mind and don't shut me out and down again!"

"What do you need?"

"I need you to be upfront and quit the tough act! I need you to let me be your friend and confidante. I apologize for being a little overzealous and intense before but if you get insecure about us I get insecure too. So I tend to force people to give me some assurance. I sure as hell want to see it coming! I see people disillusioned everyday: I don't want that to be me, so however awful: I always wanna hear the truth!"

"Is this because of Erin?"

The one that had been gone before he could even ask her to marry him, however ill advised that notion had been? Sure, but that was not all there was.

"Maybe! But she's not the only reason for my fear of abandonment."

"Oh wow! You sure have been going to therapy!"

"Don't tease me about that!"

It was still a touchy subject for him and certainly hard to work up the nerve to show up for sessions, but he did it anyway. For him and for them!

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that! I'm really proud you're tackling this. And of course I will let you know when I'm done with you."

"Stop being flippant about it. I'm freaking serious!"

He stopped walking and turned around to fully face her. Jay needed her to understand that so badly.

"Alright, okay!" She held up her hands, then carefully put her hands on his upper arms, while watching his face, making body contact for the first time since they had started talking again.

He wasn't completely done yet:

"And me talking about our future doesn't imply that I need all this right now! I'm just saying you're the one I would want this with. What's so funny about that?"

He'd noticed Rianne had begun to smile. Jay was anxious that she was not taking him serious, so her answer surprised him:

"It's funny because that's what I said to my aunt just now: You're the only one I would want to do this with!"

He finally felt his heart take a deep breath again.

"There's something else. Probably another reason why I've been on edge and hurting and taking it out on you…"

She guessed it was like he had said in the very beginning: He was a sparring partner that didn't fold from the first blow, just like she had been for him sometimes. Even before they had gotten together.

"About the cheque I saw lying around?" Jay looked at her scrutinizingly, eyebrows in a critical twist.

Rianne sighed. Why wasn't she surprised that he had already found the evidence: "Right, sometimes I forget that I live with a professional snooper!"

"Sorry, but you didn't do a very good job at hiding it in your chaos!"

He didn't seem to be mad though, more like he had known that she would come to him with this anyway. Rianne told him about the exact circumstances, the talk she had had with her father, then looked at him a little unsure.

"It's your money too, so… I'll give it back to him if you want and won't blink."

"Rianne, actually I'm not getting involved. If you wanna take the money: take it! I won't judge. But I won't be the one deciding! We certainly don't need it. This is your dad. If you feel there are too many strings attached: don't take it. If you accept the present to buy something nice for yourself: I'm fine with it. If you want to put it to good use: Do it. I'll be on your side whatever and he'll never scare me away with money, no way!"

"So… you're going to be a big sister!"

"Yeah… who would have thought…."

They talked a little more about that. About her fear that this baby would be yet another family member she wouldn't have a close relationship with, because of the distance and Inés and her ambivalent attitude towards her dad.

"One step at a time, we'll see how this will turn out. We've both seen and heard so many gruesome family stories. So much hate, so many lies. This, your family, this is not the same! So actually you're blessed and lucky! I'm 100% with you that he should have told you in private though - this whole public announcement was just insensitive and coward. I think he's secretly scared of you!"

She felt all warm inside because he used the words 'We'll see how this will turn out', implying she wouldn't have to go through this alone.

"Just think about there being some more scary mini versions of you in the future…" he bumped his shoulder into hers, cracking a winning smile at her.

"Easy there tiger, I didn't agree to any of it yet!"

"I know, sorry…"

"What's gotten into you anyway? I know you're not opposed to kids, but why the sudden over-enthusiasm?"

"I don't know… something about this family gathering I guess. It's loud and messy, imperfect at times, no argument there, but… I just like the idea of, you know… one day…"

He didn't really say it again, but she knew what he meant. She fished for his hand that had been brushing against hers for a minute now, took it and pressed a soft kiss to his knuckles.

"Let me ease into thinking out loud about this, okay? And remember I might not be able..."

He stopped her right there, interlocking their fingers: "I'm pretty optimistic about that, certainly won't have to blame me for lack of trying. But I'll stop it…"

"Hey, like I said: If it's not with you, then no one else!" Rianne really hoped with every bone in her body that it would be them in the end.

"Guess I was right about you from the beginning though!" She added when they had almost made it back to the house.

"What do you mean?"

"You're a softie when it comes to matters-of-the-heart…"

"Do you sometimes wonder what would have been if things had been different? If for example you hadn't been in that accident? You were still with Andrea, had your child?"

"Yeah, sometimes…" Rianne said and leaned into him.

"You think we still would have met?"

"Sometimes I think our paths would have crossed anyway, yeah. In another way maybe, but… I can't really explain this pull I feel and felt for you once I allowed myself to be pulled. Even when I'm mad at you I always want to work things out after I am done being mad at you!"

"D'you wish I was a little more extravagant?"

"What? Hell no! D'you worry about that?

"Sometimes…"

Now it was her turn to stop in her tracks: "Jay! I love you because you're you! I had all that extravagance and artsy cool 'everyone's free to do their own thing' before. I love you because you're real, reliable, you're not the one who changes his mind everyday, jumps on opportunities 'fuck the consequences'. I love your level-headedness and that you can be my voice of reason, that I don't need to keep you down to earth all the time. So no: I don't want you to change in any way and you're freakin special to me!"

He didn't say anything but put his arms around her, hugging her to him tightly.

"We good now?" she asked, leaning up on her toes and kissing his temple as she freed herself from his grip a bit.

"We're good!"

"Come on then, I wanna show you something!"

She pulled him towards the driveway of her father's house and stopped in front of a 2019 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S in a shiny Charcoal Gray. He was a little confused:

"What's this?"

"Your belated Christmas surprise…"

Jay immediately thought back to when she had once asked him something like: "Classic or fast car?" Of course he'd answered: "Fast car, always!"
He had assumed it was just one of their 'things I don't yet know about you' questions. Never would he have thought that this would aid her decision which rental car she would get them.

"Thought we should have our own car. So we can get away anytime we want and do our own thing. I've thought about getting you a motorcycle, but you know how I feel about that…especially with these reckless drivers out here…"

Jay gave her a look that said: 'Come on, you know what I normally do for a living!'

"What? Forgive me for being scared for you."

Jay knew she was afraid of riding one and afraid for him as well. But he certainly hadn't any reservations against that beautiful ride in front of him. He had seen this car in the driveway before this afternoon and had just assumed it belonged to one of the guests. He let his hands run over the smooth caramel leather seats and was itching to put his foot down on the throttle, hear that sweet engine sound. He didn't know what to say, especially as he knew this wasn't really her kind of car. She'd done this just for him to fulfill one of his not so secret dreams.

"Wanna take it for a spin?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah, we could pack up and get a head start…

"Drive into the sunrise?"

"Is that too cheesy for you?"

"No… I just think we've had some drinks tonight and maybe you should talk to your dad again first…"

Rianne pulled a grimace.

"Just a suggestion!" Jay immediately made a dismissive gesture and caught her wrist to pull her up against him and nuzzle her hair.

"Remind me why you have to be such a grown-up sometimes?"

Despite her teasing comment he knew she knew why this was so important to him.

"Because you secretly love that about me!"

AN: Couldn't help myself to throw some golf experience in here because we all know that's really Jesse Lee Soffer's thing, but it's something I imagined Rianne's father would be into as well. I hope you all still enjoy this little ride, the more I think about their holiday experiences the more I come up with, so I will have to reign myself in at some point to bring them back to Chicago safely.