What goes around really does come around. I wish it didn't, but it does. I learn this lesson after our first fight. In fact, it quickly leads to our second.
It doesn't happen right away. It bubbles under the surface. Deceptive and stealthy. Undetectable and dangerous. Silent and troubling.
And it bubbles and bubbles even as I tell her that I am moving in with her. Bubbles as she protests, believing that I am only offering because I want to help her pay half of the rent. Bubbles as I reassure her that that is only a minuscule fraction of why I want to live with her, as I admit that I'm only moving in because I want to, that I have to. That it's only natural at this point. To be honest, most of my things were already being moved over without intention. I had been staying with her more often, unwilling to part with her unless necessity dedicated me to do so or if familial obligation drew me back home.
It bubbles as she relents with a smile, and we move in together. The change is only positive. She and I grow even more close, and if I thought I couldn't live without her before, waking up next to her and falling asleep with her head on my chest or on my arm and everything in between, I couldn't fathom how I could live without her now.
It is like the strands of DNA. We are entangled together, and although we made sense apart, together, we are something completely other, an entire lifeform. She is so ingrained in my life that I no longer thought of terms of how actions and consequences affected me; I thought of her and I. At times, she seemed tied to every thought that passed my mind, every breath I breathed, every color that made the world. More than I cared to admit aloud, I could feel something shifting in me, and it terrified me. Because I think this has happened before. Not to this degree, but it felt similar. Similar, soothing, and scary.
So as we grow closer, I let me guard down. The walls that had been carefully cemented around me, the callouses I had grown, the scar tissues that formed, all of it starts to disappear. Maybe it's her power. Her power to reverse time and events. Maybe it's her infectious laugh, her endless love she throws at me, or her toothy, overexuberant smile. It's her comforting touches. It's her understanding words. It's her healing embraces. It's her patient thoughts. It's her…
Whatever it is, I become complacent. The lies, or rather, the truths that I keep hidden from her start to unravel in front of her eyes. The omissions start to seep through every pore, and just like that, the feel of rejection and pain I had felt when she negated to tell me about her decision to quit school, those feelings bubble until they break through the surface.
Except, she's the one to feel the aftermath, and that hurt me so much more.
It happens slowly, but on some level, she knows that I've been keeping something from her, but she never questions me why I never change into a soul reaper anymore. She only fights along side me as I use my substitute badge as a weapon, lifting me up with her powers so I have better access in the air. Or she's blocking an unexpected attack that I do not have time to block or counter. Or she's healing me with a serene smile.
Even when she does all of this, she never asks, and I never tell her.
On some level, she must know. I tell myself this to alleviate some of the guilt that threatens to overwhelm me. Why else would she hold us in her shield every time my thirst for her grows unstable? Why else would she work on rejecting my reiatsu to a more manageable level? Why else would she not ask when Urahara-san gives me knew experimental treatment? Why else?
But I know why, and it hurts so much more when the truth comes out.
I should have told her sooner. I should have warned her, but because she never asks, because I know she'd never ask because she trusts me so intrinsically so, because she never wants to be a burden to me or push me to reveal something I am not comfortable with revealing, she patiently waits for me. Waits and waits for me to confide in her. To tell her truth.
It never comes from me. It comes from Kyoraku-san.
It's a sneak attack, really. I'm unaware of it until I come home from my part-time job. I am not greeted at the door even though I know she's at home. I instantly miss the warmth only she can provide, but I can't dwell on it as I become aware of the scene before me.
My eyes lock with the Captain-Commander, and I know that this is a test, another trial I must overcome so I can stay in the world of the living. So I can stay with her.
He had hidden his reiatsu. He still hides it now. Even as he gets up from his seat by the table, I can't feel him. Even when he walks next to me, passes me to leave, I can't feel his spiritual pressure. But I feel his apologies. I feel his sympathy.
It is the shock that had dulled my senses because once it wears off, I can taste the air. Every room is filled with her sunshine, of her happiness and her laughter. Now, I can only taste sadness. All my senses narrow in on the agony she releases.
I scramble across the room, and I kneel next to her who has yet to move. She is looking down at her lap where her hands are balled into tight fists. Even without touching her, I can feel the strain of the action. Even from here, I can feel the pain that she's in.
And it's only when I place my hands on her cheeks only to feel tears when I realize that it's over.
Still, I try to gently lift her head so I can explain to her face. I want to see her expressive eyes. I want her to see my sincerity, but she stubbornly turns her cheek from me. She keeps quiet, and then, with a painful shock, I notice she keeps her reiatsu from me as if to punish me.
And God, it does.
I swallow back the lump that forms in my throat.
"Orihime?"
She doesn't respond.
I gulp again.
"Please, Orihime. It's not," I begin to stop short. My next words were going to be another lie. I shake my head and try again. "I just didn't want to worry you. I would have told you everything if it became an issue. You have got to believe me," I beg her.
If she does, she doesn't assure me. Her silence is all that I met with.
"I am so sorry," I whisper as my hands drop from her face. I reach for her hands, trying to ease them from the tight fists. "I never wanted you to find out like this."
At this, she snatches her hands back from me. I could feel a burning close to my eyes, near the bridge of my nose.
"You're mad and upset. You should be," I reason out loud as I nod. "I know that. I know you're hurting right now, but," I start, only stopping when the dread settles in my stomach at her lack of reaction. I let out a shaky breath. "But can you look at me, Orihime?"
She doesn't. With her head turned downwards, her eyes hidden behind her hair, she ignores my pleas.
"I just need you to look at me, Hime," I try again. She flinches at her nickname, but she doesn't grant my request. I grind my teeth as I can feel the sting in my eyes get more pronounced.
"I know I was wrong. I know that. I'm an asshole and that I should have told you sooner. I know that, too. I know I fucked up. I know that, Orihime," I breath out. "You don't have to forgive me right now or anytime soon. I can only try to earn your forgiveness and your trust again, but I-I really just need you to look at me and see me, my love," I plead desperately, using every cheap trick that I can.
She refuses.
I choke on what could only be a sob.
Against better judgement, I reach for one of her hands, and I move it to my lips, placing a kiss there before moving over my heart.
"I love you, Orihime. More than anything. And I am so sorry I kept this from you. And I'll give you all the time you need away from me if that's what you want. I'll stay with my family and give you your space. I won't call you. I won't bother you. I can wait for you until you're ready. I can do all of that, but please, please just don't do this." I hold her fist in my trembling hands, trying to find any warmth that she usually showers me in.
Silence.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I repeat quietly as I press her clenched fist to my face.
It's getting more difficult to control myself. I could already feel the burn of my spiritual pressure building under my skin. I could feel it all coming to an end, and no matter how much I try to hold on, I could feel it all slipping.
With a sickening feeling, I realize why this pain is familiar, why this is so similar.
I did it again. I put her existence above everyone else. I put my hopes, my happiness, my dreams, my future, my love, all of it, I placed it on her shoulders. I gave her all of me. I forced her to be the center of my world. And without her, I could already feel myself slipping. Just like when I was kid, I could feel that I had fallen into the same pattern, and I am destined to face the same fate.
I gasp as a wave of pain pulled at my heart.
I couldn't lose her, but I could feel that I already had.
"Okay," I whisper as I gently place her hand back on her lap. "I understand." And I did. I understand what I had done, and it's not right. But I couldn't stay here. I'm growing unstable, and although she's used to my wild, untamed reiatsu, I wouldn't risk it.
I would leave. I'll go to Urahara-san. Maybe Kyoraku-san is still here. Maybe I could face my punishment that I know I deserve. Maybe I could escape it all. Maybe she'll…
I shake my head at the disarrayed thoughts.
Maybe she'll take pity on me and allow us to go back to what we were before. Before she confessed. Before I fell for her. Maybe she could reverse all of this, and I could go back to the time where I could live without her.
The urge to kiss her one last time is strong, but I ignore it as I stand. I want to say more things. I want to be able to touch her heart again, but all the words are getting lost in translation or getting caught in my clogged-up throat. I want to fall on my knees and beg, but even that wouldn't be fair to her. I already did enough damage. How much more selfish could I be?
As I turn to leave, I stumble as I hear a strained, agonized howl coming from my soul reverberate in my head, but I push through it, heading toward the door. It's becoming more painful each step that I take, but I do my best. If I am going to hollowfy or if I am going to implode, I wouldn't do it so she could see it. I wouldn't be that cruel.
I struggle to breath, but I fight through it until I reach our, no, her door. I try to grasp the handle, but my vision starts to blacken. My heart, as broken as it is, pounds in my chest. My thoughts narrow down to the damn door.
I just need to get out before I hurt her more than I already have.
It is not cool metal my hand feels. It's her Sōten Kisshun.
In surprise, I try to turn towards her, but her arms wrap around me, holding me in place.
"I never learn," she sobs into my back. "Always letting my most important person leave without saying anything!" She then apologizes as her crying gets louder.
I shift in her arms, wrapping mine around her.
"Don't apologize, Hime," I mumble in her hair. "This is all my fault. I'm sorry I'm making you cry." I holder tighter, squeezing my eyes closed. "I'm so sorry! I just wanted to pretend that I was okay. I didn't want to worry you. I-I," I stumble on my words.
She's inconsolable, and I know why. Just like my past trauma, she fell into hers. Without saying a word, she let her brother go. It was the last fight they had before he passed. She thought she would be repeating the most tragic thing has happened to her with me.
I press her closer. She cries louder.
With her in my arms, I slid down the door, her shield contouring to my movements. I bury my head in the crock of her neck.
"I won't die. I won't leave you alone, Hime," I promise. "I swear I'll be here with you."
I feel her fingers in my hair.
"I'll stay with you," I vow. At this, she moves her head. She finally looks me in the eyes. I sigh in relief. "Because I just don't know how to be apart from you anymore."
Her eyes are red and glossy. Tears paint her red stained cheeks. Her nose is running. Her bottom lip looks swollen as if teeth had wormed their way there in worry. Her breath comes in shallow gasps.
I try to smile at her as my thumbs try to dry her cheeks.
"I'll do better. I'll be better," I breathe. "So don't give up on me, Orihime." I rest my forehead on hers. "Please."