*BPOV*
It's incredible the amount of pain the body can withstand before it loses consciousness. The average person would never need to think about that threshold because if they're lucky, they go through life with maybe a handful of broken bones, a herniated disc, a root canal, appendicitis...all the usual maladies until things start to go downhill later on in life.
But does anybody ever stop to think about what it would actually physically feel like when things really go sideways? Say, if you were hit by a train, or fell from great heights but didn't die? Eviscerated. Scalped. Set aflame. Drawn and quartered.
What about all of those things happening at once? That's what this felt like.
How long had it been since Edward and I had been tangled up in the throes of passion? Logically, I knew that it couldn't haven't been more than a few minutes.
But it's also incredible how many extra seconds you can fit into a minute when you're in utter agony. Thousands of them, in fact.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
"Isabella Marie Cullen, I promise to love you forever. Every single day of forever."
That was the last thing I heard before the thumb on my chin angled my head just slightly to the side and I felt his lips on my throat.
He kissed me at first, and then I heard the lush sound of his razor-sharp teeth slicing through my skin before I even felt it. Like a paper cut. A lethal paper cut, and not even the first one of my short life.
I felt the unnerving pull of my blood leaving my body, and heard the euphoria in Edward's moan as it filled his mouth. I squeezed his hand and whispered his name, a reminder. A plea. Stay with me.
Then a ragged gasp as he tore his face away from my throat like a drowning man breaking through the surface just in time, and the swipe of his tongue as it washed over the wound.
And then he did it again and again, never lingering, with mechanical precision. Carlisle had explained that this was necessary because the faster the venom spread, the less time I would burn.
He bit me on the wrist and elbow of the arm without the IV and the insides of my thighs. That part might've been arousing if I wasn't already starting to feel the burn of the venom coursing through my veins.
In a voice that was too quiet for me to hear over the pounding of my protesting heart and the blood rushing in my ears, Edward crooned what looked like murmured apologies into my skin before each puncture. That part, at least, was over very fast.
Each bite was like a lit fuse that was slowly,
incinerating its way through my vast web of veins and arteries to my thundering heart.
By the time he returned to my side and pulled me into his arms less than a minute later, I was staring at him with wide, panicked eyes.
I already wanted to die. James had bitten me once. That pain had been unbearable. I was now feeling that agony multiplied all over my body, except the unbitten arm that was numbed by the morphine laying dead at my side. Three days? I wouldn't last three hours, no, three minutes of this before I was begging for death.
"I know. I know. I'm so sorry," he sobbed tearlessly, rocking me. "I love you," a broken whisper.
I welded my teeth shut, determined not to cry out. I knew from Rosalie that screaming didn't do any good. And that Carlilse had been able to keep quiet long enough to stay hidden. As long as I could just keep my mouth shut, I could spare Edward the torment.
Self-sacrificing as it might've been, keeping that goal in mind gave me something to focus on other than the bewildering pain, and, well, wanting to die.
Mentally repeating the mantra don't scream don't scream don't scream was at least somewhat more upbeat than let me die let me die.
So the only sounds I permitted my body to make were the ragged pants that whistled through my clenched teeth and the occasional involuntary whimper.
The morphine did nothing to dull the pain, not even by a fraction of a degree. But what it did do was make my eyes so heavy that it was just easier to keep them closed, which was probably better anyway. Edward's agonized face had to be a mirror image of what my own face looked like.
My body felt just as heavy. I could scarcely move the charred limbs of my body except to squeeze the hand that held mine so hard that it felt like my ashen bones would disintegrate into dust between his fingers.
There was another voice in my circle of hell, now. Carlisle's. I felt his touch at my wrist. He was full of assurances for both me and Edward.
"Well done, Edward," Carlisle's tone was full of praise.
It was frustrating, not being able to see their expressions, having to deduce what was going on around me. But I could tell from Edward's muffled growl that he didn't agree.
"You're doing very well, Bella. Can you tell me if the morphine is having any effect?"
I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn't see. All I could do was lay there tense as a rod in Edward's arms wishing for death, and not remembering what could have seemed like a worthwhile trade for this hellscape of mind-bending pain.
How eager I'd been for this. If my face hadn't melted into the permanent grimace that it was, I would have smiled at my naivete. What a good laugh he must've had when, on a bench in the shade of the madrone trees behind the school gym, I arched my neck toward him and told him I was ready. Idiot.
I vaguely registered Carlisle saying he'd check in on me later and then Edward's voice was the next I heard "Alice, don't start," he sighed.
"I'm just saying...Jennifer Aniston would shave her head for that dress and the girl is in pajamas," Alice's voice was full of derision.
I was still wearing pajamas? They must be fire retardant. I couldn't feel the silky fabric against what was left of my skin. What did it matter what I was wearing anyway?
Did anyone dress up a pig before roasting it over a spit? In hindsight, an apple in my mouth would've been a good idea. It would have been nice to have something to bite down on. By now, I had surely ground my teeth down to nubs.
Ridiculously, I wondered what would become of a vampire who had no teeth. Way to go, Bella. You had one shot at real beauty and now Edward would have to spend eternity pretending my mouth didn't look like someone took a potato gun to a picket fence.
*EPOV*
She was so still, so quiet, but there was no mistaking the agony etched deeply into her features.
If I had any doubt at all what waited ahead for me in hell, it was this. Watching the person I loved more than anything suffer beyond measure while I sat by helplessly. I thought nothing could hurt worse than the self-inflicted pain of leaving her, but this…I shuddered.
I tried to smooth her hand that clawed itself around mine, knowing that I'd need to detach from her grip eventually before she became strong enough to do damage. But there was time yet for that. Her fingers wouldn't budge, and I feared using more force than I already was would break her still-fragile bones.
I felt her grip tighten fractionally-the only movement she'd made at all since she'd retreated into her current petrified state.
As my thumb glided idly over the back of her hand, I noticed something written there. I'd been so single-minded on not killing her that somehow I'd missed the mildly acrid scent of fresh ink drying on her skin.
I love you. I chose this, it read in bold black ink. Her white-knuckled grip made the tendons jut out of her hand and they seemed to underline her message.
I choked out a strangled laugh. In her final moments of humanity, she had been worried about me. I leaned forward to reverently kiss the ink-stained skin.
Alice entered the door that Carlisle had just exited. Her thoughts registered Bella's dress in a careless heap on the floor. After she made a snide comment about the state of Bella's clothes, of all things, I asked dryly, "Isn't she suffering enough without your pop culture commentary?"
Alice ignored the barb. "She's going to be sensational," she trilled, her voice sanguine.
"When has that ever not been true?" I asked in a smiling tone.
Alice showed me again the vision of her opening her eyes. Bella, of course, was unparalleled in her beauty, though I was paying more attention to the clock. 1:16 pm. I sighed with relief. Just under sixty hours from now.
"That soon?" I asked hopefully.
It would feel like several lifetimes to Bella, but it was relatively short as far as transformations went.
"She's lucky she's petite. Less tissue to transform." I had never thought about it that way before. It made sense. Emmett's transformation was closer to four days than three.
"Always so brave," I murmured. "I love you, Bella. I'm sorry," I said again for what felt like the hundredth time in an hour. Her hand twitched faintly in mine
*BPOV*
How soon? I gritted my teeth even harder, more annoyed with the supernatural sibling schtick than I'd ever been before.
And that was how I passed the time while I burned. I mostly tried to figure out one-sided conversations with the people who drifted in and out, courtesy of Edward's gift.
(When I came out of this, if I came out of this, I was going to have some stern words with him about how gosh-darned rude it was to answer people's thoughts in the company of someone else with no context.)
When we were alone, Edward poured his heart out to me about all of the things he was looking forward to sharing with me in our new life together. And when he wasn't talking to me, he was singing softly or reading to me from the pages of Wuthering Heights, even though he hated it.
In the quiet moments in between, I counted his breaths. That is when I could hear them over the sound of the screams inside my head.
Alice made good on her promise to keep Edward's spirits up. She was a frequent visitor, and though they bantered and bickered, as was their way, it was far better than listening to him sigh and worry out loud.
After an immeasurable amount of time had passed, Esme's soft hands and softer voice were there with a basin and washcloth.
I had to assume she wasn't using boiling water to wipe down my arms, legs, and face, though it was hard to tell. I didn't think anything short of bathing in liquid nitrogen would quell the fires that raged beneath my skin.
"Soon, my dear girl. It will all be over soon," she promised in a soothing voice, kissing my forehead.
Jesus Christ, had they always been so infuriatingly vague?!
Thank goodness for Carlisle's hourly visits. They were the only thing that helped me pin down time at all. Every fourth Carlisle visit meant another dose of morphine.
After four or five doses, two things happened. The fire had spread to the arm with the IV, and I heard Edward's muttered curse. There were no more doses after that.
The other thing that happened was Edward wrenched his hand from mine with the jarring sound of boulders scraping together.
"I'm here. I'm right here. I'll never leave you," he crooned from somewhere off to my side, kissing my now empty hand.
Idiotically, it made me think of the movie Titanic. Specifically, the scene when Rose promised Jack she'd never let go, and then, with a hair-raising crunch, she detached her hand from his frozen one and dumped his nudie-sketching ass to the bottom of the North Atlantic.
Lucky Jack. Freezing to death was such a peaceful way to go.
Though the pain never diminished (if anything it only burned hotter), I found I was able to think of other things as well as my endless silent chants for an end to the suffering.
Among other new discoveries was the increased acuity of my hearing. I surprised myself when I learned I could hear the footfalls of my family, on the floor below no less, when they used to move so soundlessly before.
The effects of the morphine had long worn off, though I kept my eyes squeezed shut. It was easier to keep quiet if I couldn't see him. At least that way I could pretend he wasn't watching my every breath with tortured eyes.
*EPOV*
Carlisle was back for another check-in. He had silently warned me on the last visit that I should give Bella some space in case she acted defensively when she came to.
I couldn't imagine it with all the time she'd had to emotionally prepare herself, but I humored him. I had to admit her grip was getting uncomfortably tight. Though it pained me to do so, I wrenched my hand out of hers and removed myself to her bedside.
However, I never stopped touching Bella in some small way, gently stroking her hair, or the back of her hand so that she would know I was there. And if I wasn't touching her, I was talking or singing softly.
"The morphine is out of her system. Any changes?"
I shook my head dismally. Carlisle's thoughts revealed his hopefulness that the morphine had had some effect on her experience causing her relative peacefulness.
I had my doubts. And extreme guilt that she was suffering in silence for my benefit.
Perhaps, I should've listened to her all those months ago when she'd suggested in Carlisle's office in Forks that it would be better for her if I wasn't here for this.
Instead, I'd stubbornly hollered at her in six different languages that she was out of her mind.
The idea of leaving her to suffer this alone was unthinkable. It still was. But I was sick with the idea that her experience was somehow worse because of my selfish insistence to bear witness to her transformation.
"Listen to her heart. It won't be long now," Carlisle smiled warmly gazing down at Bella's prone form.
I could hear the muted sound of Bella grinding her teeth inside her already tense jaw.
"Bella, love," I caressed the side of her face, noting how much cooler and sturdier she already felt under my touch. "Homestretch, sweetheart. And then you'll never hurt again," I murmured silkily into her ear.
Quite the opposite, in fact. As soon as she was willing, I planned to spend every moment (for at least the next 5-10 years) seeing just how much pleasure her new body was capable of.
But I wasn't going to say that in front of my father. Not because I was embarrassed, but because I knew Bella would've been.
Alice glided into the room then, smiling coyly. She then showed me what could only be a vision of the tree-smashing vampire sex that Bella had in mind when she had been verbally sparring with Emmett on the boat ride here. That felt like it had been years ago, not mere days.
I smiled widely when I noticed that in her vision I was wearing the same clothes that I currently had on. Or at least what was left of them, I smirked. It really was #2 on her list.
"Thank you, Alice," I sighed happily.
How bizarre to think that in just a few hours, I'd be taking Bella hunting with me for the first time.
I couldn't help feeling a little nervous about that. It was a side of me that I'd kept hidden from her for so long, not wanting to terrify her with my monstrous nature.
My brows knit together wondering what she would think watching me suck the blood from a defenseless animal before her eyes.
Then it really dawned on me...Holy crow, in just a few hours, I was taking Bella hunting.
We would run, and jump, and collide, and laugh together. I never needed to worry about venomous spiders, runaway buses, meteors, teenage rivals, or blackberry bushes ever again.
The heaviest burden of all was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. With overwhelming relief, I realized I'd never again have to worry about hurting her, or worse, with my own two hands.
And now that I was thinking about it, I noticed how faint the burn had become. Unconsciously, my hand cupped my throat at the discovery. I was roused from my abstraction by a camera flash.
"There it is," Alice's smile was blinding as she lowered a camera from in front of her face. "The million-dollar smile when you finally stopped worrying. I knew Bella would want to see that," she winked and joggled the camera in her hand.
I stared at Bella open-mouthed. Is that how she felt? I'd always thought I knew what she meant when she talked about the need for equality in our relationship. But I never thought of it in those terms. Honestly, I thought she just wanted to be able to keep up.
It was humbling to realize that I hadn't been able to see her perspective at all until I considered what I had to gain from an equal partnership.
"Well, that didn't last long," Alice grumbled as my smile faded a touch.
"It's really over, isn't it? The worrying...the constant looming threat of danger. We can finally just...be?"
"All signs point to yes," Alice beamed, tapping two fingers to her temple. My face-splitting smile returned.
Alice's gaze returned to Bella with an amused smirk. "Edward, you might want to hold off on your victory lap for another two hours and thirteen minutes," Alice stated with emphasis. "Bella was plotting all of our murders if we didn't tell her how much longer."
All eyes returned to Bella who hadn't moved, but she made a wheezing noise through her teeth.
I clapped a hand over my mouth in a monumental effort not to burst into loud, Emmett-like guffaws. I hated to laugh at her when she was suffering, but that was just so her. Using Alice's gift to get a message through to us by plotting our murders? My brilliant Bella, I thought proudly.
"Forgive me, love. " I squeezed the back of her hand. "I wasn't sure if knowing would do more harm than good."
*BPOV*
Carlisle had come and gone twice since Alice put me out of my misery (figuratively speaking) with the time projection. And Edward was now considerately calling out the time every fifteen minutes. Though I didn't need the countdown to know that I was near the end of my suffering.
For one, I was constantly amazed and distracted by sounds I shouldn't have been able to hear.
Outside, just to the north of us, the heavy wing flaps of a large bird stilled as it soared. A splash of water as its talons broke through the surface of the narrow channel that burbled just outside. A larger splash as it pulled a furiously fighting fish out of the water. Then the wingbeats resumed but grew fainter as the eagle flew off after a successful hunt.
I also began to be able to discern who was in the room not just by the subtle differences of their movements, but by their individual scents.
Alice's scent was bright and inviting, citrusy somehow. When her graceful movements stirred up the air around me, I was reminded of the sweet-smelling Jacksonville air, perfumed by the scent of orange groves in December.
Carlisle's scent was a fresher, slightly briny scent, like a warm ocean breeze, while Esme smelled of the air right after a spring rain.
And Edward...Edward's scent was even more intoxicating to me than it had been with my weak human nose. He smelled like all my happiest memories. A mountain meadow of pine trees and heather, honeysuckle, and sunshine.
In other new developments, the fire was fading from fingers and toes, which was a good sign that the end was near, but the relief was overshadowed by the growing heat in my throat and chest. How? How could this hellfire possibly burn any hotter? It was unfathomable.
My thoughts became frantic, and I could feel the hardened steel of my fingernails press into my palms, the last of my control slipping like grains of sand through the fingers of my tightly clenched fists.
A feral shriek was building in my chest and my head started to thrash around as the infernal flames in my throat raged hotter and hotter only to retreat south like a trail of lit gunpowder to my jackhammering heart.
"Bella?" Edward's voice was low and urgent, eager but also anxious.
"Listen to her heart go," Carlisle said in an awed voice.
"Hang in there, honey, it's almost over," Esme's honied voice came after Carlisle's.
The raging fire in my throat receded, leaving an achingly dry, burning thirst in its wake
The pain faded away completely from my outer extremities at the same time as the lit fuses of my arteries seemed to ignite my heart. It began to beat furiously and burn with the heat and energy of the sun.
The awesome power of it bowed my body right off the bed as if some unseen force from above had my heart on a tether like a tortured marionette doll. A piercing cry cut through the silence, rattling the windows and drowning out the sound of my frenzied heart.
And then, like a burning star that had consumed all its fuel, my heart seemed to explode in my chest with an audible jolt that dropped me forcefully back to the bed rendering my heart as silent as the room around me.
Nobody spoke, nobody breathed, not even me. All the pain was gone, save for the burning thirst in my throat. And for an endless moment, I laid there sucking in mouthfuls of air, luxuriating in the painlessness and tasting all the new scents in the room on my tongue.
"Bella, love?" His perfect voice broke the silence.
Without a conscious thought to do so, my eyes shot open and with crystal clarity, I saw the world through the blood-red eyes of a newborn vampire.
TO BE CONTINUED
*A/N*...Well, there you have it, folks! First of all, sorry for the long wait on this chapter. It really kicked my butt because there are only so many ways you can describe burning pain. Another tricky thing was reimagining what her experience would be like WITHOUT the traumatic birth scene and broken spine.
Then everything that came out was sounding like a bad paraphrasing of SM's version.
I was very annoyed with SM's version because apparently Edward just sat there and watched quietly while she burned and the poor girl had nothing to do but listen to him breathe? That seems very OOC to me, but what do you think?
That all said, I want to say a resounding thank you to each and every one of you for following along and offering your encouragement chapter after chapter. This started out as a one-shot, and over 200,000 words later, here we are! And there's so much story left to tell.
So hit that subscribe button for updates on the upcoming sequel, Blood & Edward. I'm probably going to take a few days off to recharge. But the first chapter is halfway done and I'm aiming to have it posted by the end of this upcoming week. I sure hope you'll continue to follow along! -Amanda