POV: Alex
Rays peaked out from a grey sky, beaming through the car window. There was a conversation going on between my family, but my mind was somewhere else, beyond the sounds of the snow being crunched by the car, beyond the grey clouds, beyond the world. Steven was all I could think about, he was all I wanted to think about as my head laid rested on my palm, staring out into the endless evergreen forest, watching as I drove past the world, my opaque reflection looking back at me with a smile.
Dad put the car in park and I stepped out, closing my eyes and listening to the noises; the sounds of branches shifting, wind moving past my ears, all of the perfect silence. The sun may have been clouded, the light dim and dull, but everything else was in perfect winter colors. Powdery snow beneath my feet, falling from the sky, dark green trees, brown trunks...the cold against my arms.
That was the only thing I couldn't shake though, no matter how many times I tried. The scars were still on my arms, still sensitive to emotions, to cold, to the world. I could hide them with my jacket, with a hoodie, with anything. But they knew everything, from how I was feeling to the atmosphere around me, there was no escaping my past. Coming to terms with it was one of the hardest things I think anyone could've done. Accepting that it happened to you, accepting that you felt that way.
My breathing was slow, eyes closed, just being in the moment .
A warm sensation brushed against my side, Sydney was huddled next to me, her teeth chattering. "Jesus it's freaking cold," she said, her legs shaking and arms crossed. "Why can't I have fur like yours!?" Eyes glanced down towards her, admiring her ability to wear such a colorful jacket in the deep shades of winter.
"Well," I said, my voice light and caring. "I can be your own personal heater if you want."
She grabbed my arm and held onto it. "Of course, if you think I'm leaving your side, you are very wrong."
Dad laughed as he unpacked the car. "I don't think Alex will be able to help me much if you're attached to him."
She rolled her eyes at me and smiled. "Right, because he wants to be crushed by a tree."
Mom came out of the car in her snow boots, looking like she was ready to go skiing. "He's the one who suggested we get a natural Christmas tree this year. So, blame him for feeling cold."
"I blame you for making me come, I could've just stayed home."
"Well if you're gonna act like that," I said moving away from her. "Then no warmth for you."
'NO." She clung to me like a baby clings to their mother. "If you so much as MOVE away from me I will kill you."
Dad sighed, the chainsaw in his hand. "I'm gonna need his help to lift the tree once I cut it down. He's the only one in the family that has more strength than all of us combined ."
Another reminder of my wolf status.
Mom took my hand, she probably knew what I was thinking. "We wouldn't have it any other way." I couldn't help but laugh at her attempt at a smile, causing the laughter to be contagious and it echoed through the empty trees.
I went with Dad to scout out a tree that would fit in our house. It needed to be just the right height; not too tall, not too short. He liked to say he wasn't cold, maybe it made him feel more "manly" but I could tell from his horrible tries to hide his shivering and chills that were sent down his spine.
The sun peaked out from the clouds, its warmth and light dispersing them. Daylight was here, the sun was here and Dad had to shield his eyes from it. But I couldn't stop looking at him , at the red deer who changed so much. The red deer whose heart was as cold as ice, being thawed out from the love he felt towards me.
Things were never going to be the same, but I was wide awake, and I only saw daylight.
My hands were in my pockets, my head down, watching as shoes left imprints in the powdery snow. "Hey Dad?" I asked.
"Hm?"
"When do you think I should tell Mom?"
"Tell Mom about?...oh." He was silent for a while as we walked side by side, the trees shifting in the wind. "Your tail doesn't wag as much as I'd like it too," he said, avoiding the question. "I think it's partially my fault you repressed your canine tendencies."
Guilt, shame...or pity? I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know what to say, so I stayed silent as we walked through the winter wonderland.
He chuckled, his breath visible in the air. "I know you said you don't blame me, but I'm sure deep down somewhere, you still do. Why'd I have to break what I love so much? It's on your face, and I'm to blame."
A sharp inhale ripped through my lungs, stinging them with icy air. "I don't blame you," I said with as much as air I had in me. My face was warm, my tail wagging behind me, a thousand snowflakes falling down. It was quiet, just him and me together. Neither of us were really experienced in sharing our feelings, in talking about the important things in life.
Winter was a cold and slow painful death, but in winter, in cold and despair, there was always a log cabin with a brimming fire. The question was; what would you find in that log cabin? What would comfort you when winter came?
Dad's voice harmonized with the winter echoes, sending waves of warmth up my spine. "You were probably too little to remember, but you refused to go anywhere without holding my hand. You always wanted to be near me. 'When's Dad coming home?' you would say, 'I don't want to do that without Dad'. You were happier, you were more alive when you were a little kid." He sighed. "To see you like this, and reflect on how you were. The things I did, the things I said, they're unforgivable. I put you through so much, gave you so much hate. This...this isn't the life I wanted for you. I didn't want to hear that my son was in the hospital because-because-" His hands were shaking, and he clenched them into fists, but that didn't stop them. His eyes held pain from the past, pain from his past, pain from everything.
I just wanted this family-outing to be short and simple, without any bumps in the road, with nothing to ruin it. It wasn't ruined, but I didn't want to bring back up the emotions from the past. I didn't want to think about them, I didn't want to feel them again.
Time wouldn't fly though, it was like I was paralyzed about it. I'd like to be my own self again, but I was still trying to find it. Still trying my hardest to be the happy wolf I used to be.
Looking at the snow brought back glimpses of the past; me throwing snowballs at my parents and my sister, being pelted back. Baking cookies with Mom, decorating the Christmas tree, opening presets, and forgetting I was even a wolf to begin with, always feeling like I was just another herbivore, that my life was just as important as theirs.
Mom put her hand on my shoulder, probably wondering why her son was staring at a pile of snow. "I hope something didn't happen between you and Dad." When she spoke however, she sounded kind and concerned. Obviously that's what a mother should've sounded like, but it was kind of unnatural to hear to hear it from her.
"No, nothing happened," I replied.
She squinted her eyes for a moment, trying to tell if I was lying or not. I was always the best liar; no body movements, no shifting eyes, no nothing. I could be lying about robbing a bank, and nobody would've known.
"My mind is just somewhere else," I said, hoping to ease the questions in her eyes.
"It's about Jordan, isn't it?" she crossed her arms from the biting cold.
I only told her bits and pieces from the encounter with Jordan, from how she rose quickly from the couch and kept her voice low, telling me how she still felt. I knew she never got over it, it was really hard to not notice her feelings towards me.
"I don't really want to talk about it right now," I said. That answer didn't seem to satisfy her motherly urges to know everything and try to fix it.
"I get that, but not talking about it doesn't make it any better. Please, talk to me."
Looking down at her, at her slim yet hardy stature, made me wonder if she was just acting out of impulse, or if she didn't want another accident. So, I stayed silent. The silent treatment got me out of a lot of situations I didn't want to be in. Possibly because nobody wanted to provoke a wolf once he went dead quiet.
Dad finished tying the misshapen Christmas tree to our bus of a car. Branches stuck out from the sides, snow fell onto the doors, and the wire used to tie it looked like it couldn't hold anymore, like at any second it was going to snap and the tree would just roll off the car.
Mom was still bugging me about Jordan, poking my shoulder and asking questions, growing ever increasingly fed up with my silent nature. It did come naturally though, just to stand somewhere and watch the world go by. It was something I was used to, something I came to enjoy. My mind could be empty, the emotions and feelings would be gone. Peaceful and quiet, that was all I wanted.
Knowing Mom though, she never would've allowed that.
Dad came up behind her, whispering something in her ear. She backed off and walked away. Maybe it was because my tail had stopped wagging, or maybe it was because Dad still had a tiny bit of fear towards his wolf son. Either way, they left me alone.
The sun was clouded again by grey clouds, the snow no longer softly falling. The world around me was in black and white; hues, tints, shades, all of it in the most monochrome way. Nothing was colorful, no longer were the trees leaves green, no longer were the sun's rays peeking through the clouds. I was beginning to feel like I had lost my mind again, just standing still in the snow, watching as the world went by.
My phone dinged in my pocket, and the animal's name brought the colors back into my eyes. I smiled, my tail wagging behind me, ignoring the shouts from my family to get into the car. I just wanted to stay put, to hear his voice. Just thinking about him brought heat to my face, it was like my ears were on fire and the snow around me was melting.
"Alex!" Dad yelled from the car window. "I know you're built for the cold, but we aren't! Get in the car!"
I rolled my eyes with a smile still on my face, blinding walking to the car, using my peripheral vision to avoid falling over because my eyes were completely focused on my phone, on Steven.
"What's got you all excited?" Sydney said as I strapped myself into the car.
"Nothing," I mumbled, wanting nobody to talk to me.
Mom questioned Dad on my behavior, but he kept my secret, only telling her what she needed to know. It was comforting to know I could trust him, at least with my stupid secret. I think the only reason why I didn't want to tell Mom was because it wasn't the right time. She always wanted me to get a girlfriend and do normal "male" things. But now that was all flipped upside down, all because of one German shepherd.
My phone rang, Jordan's smiling face popped up and I answered. "Hello?" I said.
"Hey! Ok so Steven and I are going out tomorrow to probably go Christmas shopping and stuff. You wanna come?"
"Sure," I said, not caring to ask either of my parents. Dad would've been fine with it, but if I left Steven out of it, Mom would've thought it was a date. She didn't need to know though.
I hung up the phone, my tail thumping against the car seat. "Who was that?" Mom asked.
"Jordan," I replied. "She just wanted to know if we could hang out tomorrow."
️ ️ ️
They talked happily, both of them entranced in each other's conversations. I loved it, I loved watching my two best friends have fun together, even if I thought of one of them as more than just a friend.
Jordan was such a weird animal, or maybe we were just weird together. We had that little fight at her house, and then I called her and everything was perfect again, like nothing had ever happened. I couldn't explain how we did it, how we just made up so quickly. Maybe it was because both of us were amazing friends, we knew things about each other that nobody else did...except Nathan, he knew something about her that I didn't. But when she looked at me with her blue eyes, I knew everything was going to be ok.
The waiter came over and cleaned away our plates and we left the café. "So," Steven said. "Where do you guys want to go next? I have to buy Christmas gifts for my brothers...they're always so hard to buy for." His ears dropped and I never wanted to see him like that again.
Jordan chimed in. "I have to buy something for my mom, Alex?" She turned to look at me. Buying gifts for my family was something I hadn't done in a long time, but something told me that it was the right thing to do, after all, I put them through probably the worst times in their lives.
I smiled, looking at both of them. "Yeah, I'm sure I could find something for them."
"Then it's settled," Jordan said, grabbing my arm and clinging to it. "Today is the day we buy Christmas presents for the rest of our families!" She flashed a smile at me and we started walking down the strip center.
Steven looked around. "Where are we exactly? I've never been to this part of town."
Jordan let go of my arm, walking at a brisk pace and showing the strip center around us. "This is Cornelia Street, where hopes and dreams come true!"
"Hopes and dreams, huh?" I said.
The wooden signs, the pavement, cafes, animals, everything. It was familiar, something was nagging at the back of my brain, something wanted to push to the forefront of my mind.
"Something wrong?" Steven said. I shook my head and we continued down the pavement, looking into stores through their glass displays and laughing at the most random things.
A penny thrown into the fountain and a couple of stores later, we had found something for each of our family members. I got Dad a "World's Best Dad" mug and Mom some clothes. My sister was much harder to buy for, but Jordan helped me out and we found her a necklace that was very expensive.
Jordan stopped me before we left the store, shushing me and hiding me behind an aisle. "Don't look outside, Nathan is across the street." Confusion swept across my face. "Remember what I told you last time? He 's dangerous, something about him just isn't right."
"I remember," I said, my voice a whisper.
"Let's just wait for him to pass, hopefully he'll-"
Steven left the store, probably thinking we were behind him. We peaked our heads out to see him chatting with Nathan, no doubt telling him everything. I still couldn't quite see what was wrong with Nathan. Yeah he was a little quiet, maybe a bit nerdy, but he was nice, and wasn't that all that mattered?
"What are you doing?!" Jordan hissed as I walked behind Steven.
"Hey Nathan," I said. "What are you doing here?"
"The same as you," he said. "I'm buying a Christmas gift for my sister, but I do have one question." He pointed to the isle Jordan was in. "Why is Jordan hiding?"
I rolled my eyes and called for Jordan. She reluctantly appeared from the isle, a plastic smile on her face. "Hey Nathan," she said.
"Dang, you got everyone here," he said.
Steven nodded his head. "Yup! We all decided to buy Christmas gifts as a group, do you want to join?"
Nathan waved him off. "Nah, that's ok. I have some other stuff to take care of, but thanks for the offer."
I didn't see what Jordan was talking about. His voice was calm and quiet. The colors he wore were just boring and bland, blending in with the background. The way he moved his hand when he spoke, the way he always had a tiny smile on his face, which grew a little bit wider when Jordan showed up. He was just normal, the most normal any carnivore could ever be. He seemed to always have everything under control. I wanted to be a little bit like him.
He left the store, but not before waving goodbye to Jordan. She didn't wave back, instead her eyes narrowed, and she dug her nails into my jacket. "I told you to leave him alone, he's dangerous, I can just feel it."
I shook my head. "I think you're wrong, you saw how he acted when he showed up. Nothings wrong with him, I think the problem is you."
Steven seemed puzzled. "What are you guys talking about?"
"Nothing," we said in unison.
He shrugged his shoulders. "Well, I have to be home soon, so I'll cya guys later!"
"You have to leave?" I pouted, wanting to bask in his sunlight for just a little bit longer.
"Yeah, my dad is a stickler when it comes to deadlines and stuff, he's a cop so it only makes sense." He grabbed my face and held onto it gently. "I have a New Years Eve party coming up, you can see me then." That made me smile and he let go. "And of course, you're invited too, Jordan."
"Thanks," she said with a tiny smile. "But I should get going too."
"So you're both just gonna leave me here?" I asked. They looked at one another and nodded with cheeky smiles.
Some friends you are.
I caught up Nathan as he crossed the street with bags in his hand. He definitely was the most interesting hyena I've ever met, sometimes he could be more reclusive than me, which I did find kinda weird. Either way, I liked to think we were friends, even if we never really talked that much, it was nice to at least see a familiar face once and awhile.
"Hey Nathan! Wait up!" He turned around, that same smile on his face.
"Hey Alex, I thought you were with Jordan and Steven."
"They had to go," I said with a sigh.
"That sucks, you're welcome to accompany me though. I'm gonna be here a while."
We walked around the strip center together, just me and him. He became more interesting as the time went by. He opened up about his family and other hobbies he liked.
"So, do you have any plans for the holidays?" he said as he was checking out some items.
I stood behind him, my hands in my pockets. "I think my mom wants the rest of the family to come down and visit, but they're still not really that keen on a carnivore in the family."
"Right, sometimes I forget your family consists of herbivores...red deer, right?"
I nodded my head. "They're not the worst animals in existence, I get where they're coming from."
"Still, you shouldn't be treated differently just because you're different."
We exited the store together, the sun casting larger and larger shadows on street lamps and benches. Pinks, oranges, purples in the sky, afterglow of the sunset and lowering temperatures. Animals walked together, their steps loud against the icy concrete, a sense of urgency in the air as they crowded stores hoping for the best deals.
"Glad we came when we did," Nathan said. "Any longer and we would've been trampled." He rummaged through his plastic bags for a moment, seemingly stalling the conversation. "I never got to say this before, actually, I was embarrassed to say it." He looked up at me. "But thanks for helping out with Jordan's campaign, I know that video couldn't have been easy for you."
I looked at the ground, studying the cracks in the concrete. "It's really not a big deal."
"But it is, and I'm glad to see you better than ever before."
"Thanks."
Jordan's assumption didn't make any sense. Nathan was so kind, maybe a little bit absent-minded at times, but he was a good animal. "Strange" was a word she liked to use a lot, and it made no sense. He was the opposite of "strange" . He was interesting, I wanted to know more about him, I wanted to be better friends with him. Whatever Jordan had said couldn't have been true, there was just no way that the hyena who stood next to me had any underlying, sinister motives.
The sky had turned a deep blue, clouds making way for a full moon. The dim light of street lamps illuminated the pathway home. I had no one to pick me up, I was pretty sure I was past curfew, if there even was one. I didn't think Nathan and I would spend so much time just walking around the strip center and looking at stores. There is such a thing as too much shopping, I only found it fun when I was doing it with someone other than Mom. But somehow Nathan knew how to make it just as boring since he was oblivious to everything around him.
I didn't get what Jordan was saying, so I forgot it, pretending like it wasn't important and she hadn't told me in the first place. There was just no way that hyena was any different from any of the other carnivores you'd find. He was just trying to live his life to the best of his ability, not wanting an and many attention drawn to himself. I kinda envied him a little bit, being a hyena was definitely better than being a wolf.
There was a skip in my heart as I thought about Steven. He said he was having a New Years Eve party; the perfect date for the perfect kiss.
I had already made up my mind, I was going to kiss him, to confess everything to him during the New Years Eve party. The changing of the year for a changing animal, the perfect kiss for the perfect guy. I couldn't stop thinking about it: how he would taste, how he would feel. He was all I wanted for so long, and I was finally getting the chance to tell him, to tell him everything.
There was no getting out of it, I wasn't going to let myself turn down everything I had done. I wasn't going to let everything I built crumble down because I was too nervous to tell him how I felt. But did it even matter? It was so easy to see that he liked me back, so was there really any point to kissing him? To tell him my true feelings?
Of course there was, there was always going to be a reason to love him, to want him. Caring about what other animals thought was just another way for me to hide away from my emotions and not embrace the ones that bring happiness. I didn't want to be a shut-in wolf anymore, I didn't want the world to see me as someone more than who I was. But the world being the world, I was always going to be seen as the wolf who was portrayed on the outside. There was no stopping them, no changing their minds. At least having Steven meant I was more than just a wolf who was born, designed to eat herbivores and love the taste of meat-hunger for it actually.
A car drove past me, splashing water onto my clothes. Snickers were heard from the opened window and I took a deep breath, the cold wetness of my clothes sinking into my fur.
There's no changing what they think of me.
That was the thought that I couldn't tear from my head.
Mom stood at the front door, hands around her hips and lips pursed. "To be honest, I wasn't expecting you to show up at all." She walked towards me and felt the cold wet jacket in her hands, her expression going sad. "I'm sorry about what I said yesterday...I just don't want to see you sad anymore."
"I know," I said.
She took a deep breath. "Whose parents do I need to call about your clothes? That jacket is expensive."
"It's just water, not a huge deal."
"It's not about the water, Alex." She led me to the door and through the house. "Take off you wet clothes and I'll wash them tomorrow." She stood in the doorway, waiting for me to hand her the clothes, but I didn't take them off.
"Sorry, I'll do it later." I said, rubbing my arm.
She sighed. "The only animal who cares about what you look like is yourself. It doesn't matter to me that you're a big wolf, it makes no difference. I know you're embarrassed, self conscious even, but it really isn't that big of a deal."
"It is to me," I said meekly.
She reached up to grab my face, pulling my head down and planting a kiss on my forehead. "Get some sleep." She stared into my eyes for a moment, then left me alone. My thoughts only consisted of Steven though. I didn't want to tell anybody, my first kiss with him was going to be my plan alone.