Chapter 56
Phoebe's POV
It has been a worldwind of a vacation. We are heading home tomorrow. Claire has been in rare form, but rightfully so. I stayed with her in her room for a couple nights and talked because she didn't want to be alone. Susan has not been very helpful. She is angry about her apartment and I am trying to be empathetic towards that.
Teddy proposed to Liv last night and we had a celebration dinner tonight. Her ring is absolutely gorgeous. It is a cushion cut with a halo around it. They want to get married next spring. I can get behind that because I will not be about to pop pregnant like I was in Berk's. We are walking home from dinner. Nathan is carrying a sleeping Henry.
"I am exhausted," I say.
"I know, I will get him down and you get into bed okay?" Nathan asks. I nod and yawn. We open the hotel door and I wash my face. I put on one of Nathan's tshirts and climb into bed.
I smile as Nathan slides into bed. He wraps his arm around me and rubs my back. I look into his eyes and smile. "Hi," I say. He kisses my forehead.
"I had a really good trip," I say.
"I am glad. You deserve the break," he says and I lean forward kissing him.
"We have an ultrasound when we get back," I say.
"I know, I have it marked on my calendar. I am so excited," he says.
"I can't believe I am 32 weeks," I say and rub my belly.
"We did it," he says and I smile.
"That we did, aren't you scared?" I ask. He ponders that question.
"No," he says and I shake my head.
"Because I know that regardless of how much I fuck up, this baby will have you and it will be so loved," he says.
"You fucking up? Not possible. Do you see how much Claire and Henry love you?" I ask.
"That doesn't mean I won't fuck up with this baby," he says and I know that he is insecure because of his dad. Who is rotting in jail like he should be.
"You are nothing like your father," I tell him. She shakes his head. "Would you ever hit me?" I ask him.
"Fuck no, why would you even ask that?" He says.
"Would you ever yell at Henry or Claire for not winning a game?" I ask him.
"No," he answers quietly. I cup his cheeks in my hands.
"You are a good man, Nathan. Don't let anyone or anything tell you different. Our kids, all three of them, are so lucky to have you. I am so lucky to have you," I say and he kisses my forehead. I wrap myself around him as best as I can.
"I am lucky to have you," he says and pulls me to him.
"Another reason I am so ready to get rid of this bump," I say and he looks at me.
"I want to be able to lay on you and be held tighty again," I say and he smiles.
"I was thinking about that too," he says and I smile. I love this man.
"Sleep now, we have to be up early for our flight," he says and I nod. I yawn and close my eyes.
A pounding knock on the door scares the shit out of me. I jump awake and startle myself. Nathan is already out of bed. "What the fuck is this," he says. I stand up and go to the door. When Nathan opens it my heart drops.
My mom, dad, and Taylor are standing there. My mom is crying and my dad and Taylor look like they are on the verge of tears. "What is going on?" I ask. Nathan comes to my side.
"Let's sit," my dad says. We go to the sitting room. My heart is on the floor. I know this is bad. My dad wouldn't wake me up if it wasn't. Taylor sits on a chair and my parent's sit on the couch across from Nathan and I. Nathan tries to hold me, but I am about to throw up.
"What is going on, tell me now," I say. My mom wipes her eyes.
"There has been an acccident. Sawyer died tonight," my world stops. He didn't come on vacation because he had to stay back and watch our houses. My whole world stops. I hear a strangled sob, and realize it came from me.
"No," I cry. I shake my head not believing it. My second dad. My protector. He had been with me since birth.
"No," I sob. I feel Nathan's arms wrap around me. I sob into his chest. I can't breathe. It doesn't feel real.
"Phoebe, he was driving home and someone T-boned him. His car went into a pole-," Taylor gets cut off by my dad.
"Not right now," my dad snaps. My mom is sobbing. I can't stop crying. I can't do this.
"No," it's all I can get out right now.
"Please, no," I sob. Nathan has his arms wrapped so tightly around me.
"Who did this," Nathan asks. I can hear the anger and sadness in his voice. He hasn't let me go.
"We are not sure, they drove away," Taylor says. It was on purpose. Someone hurt him on purpose. And now he is dead. Because of me. Because he is supposed to protect my family. I don't stop crying. I can't stop crying.
"Phoebe, Bubs," My dad says.
"No stop, please," I stand up and push everyone away. I walk out of the room.
"Phoebe," my dad says again.
"Stop," I yell. I am in autopilot. I don't even know what I am doing. My legs walk me out of the room. I run out into the hallway. I go straight out of the hotel. Everyone is following me. Once I am outside I start to gasp for air. I am sobbing so hard.
"Phoebe, Phoebe stop," Nathan grabs onto me. I can't breathe.
"Phoebe," my dad says. I am so overwhelmed. Sawyer is dead. That is all I can think about. I didn't get to say goodbye and he is dead.
"No," I say and pull away. I try to pull the fresh air into my lungs but the sobs keep taking over. Nathan grabs me and holds me still.
"I can't-" I try to talk but I can't stop sobbing. Let this be a dream. I can't breath.
"Baby, lay down, lay down," he says and I lay onto the concrete outside. I can't breath all I can do is sob. He cups his hands over my nose and mouth.
"What are you doing?" My dad says sharply and drops down.
"She is hyperventilating Christian," Nathan says. I can't stop sobbing. Nathan bends my knees.
"Baby, breath please take a deep breath," he says. "Phoebe, listen," My dad is kneeling on the other side of me. My mom is hugging Taylor.
I suck in air and breath it out. I do it again. Nathan keeps his hands where they are and I keep breathing in. My mind is gone. I don't feel like I am outside. All I can think about is Sawyer. Nathan quickly gets behind me and has me sit up. He pulls my arms up and has me keep breathing.
Once I am breathing normally, I sob again. I can't stop sobbing. All I can think about is Sawyer. He should have come on vacation. I could have saved him. I lean forward away from Nathan and put my head in my hands. My dad wraps both arms around me.
"I am sorry, Bubs. I am so sorry," he says.
"Why?" I ask. Why Sawyer.
"I don't know, Bubs. I am sorry," he repeats and rubs my back.
After what feels like hours of Nathan, my parents, and Taylor watching me sob outside, I feel Nathan lift my into his arms. I sob into his neck as he carries my back into the hotel.
Nathan gently sets me down on our bed. The bed we were just sleeping peacefully in. The bed I was asleep in, when Sawyer got killed. He didn't die, he got murdered. He got murdered trying to keep us safe.
I sob into my pillow. My mom comes over and strokes my head. I hear my dad, Nathan and Taylor all talking. I don't register what is happening. All I can do is cry. I didn't get to say goodbye. Or hug him one last time. Or thank him for all that he has done. I didn't get to tell him I loved him like a dad. I didn't get to introduce him to the baby in my belly.
I don't remember blacking out, but I do. I cried myself to sleep. If you can even call it sleep. I am awoken by my hair being stroked and my name being called. Please let that have been a nightmare. When I open my eyes and see Nathan's face I know it wasn't.
I start sobbing again. "I am sorry, Bee," Nathan says as I cry into his neck.
"It is my fault," I sob out. Nathan shakes his head.
"Phoebe, you were not there, you did nothing to cause that. I don't want to hear you ever say that," Nathan says roughly. I shake my head.
"We need to get on our flight baby," he says gently. I nod and stand up with his help. I get dressed. Tears roll down my face as I get ready. Ted and Liv took Henry. I walk out and Nathan is stanidnd there with our suitcase.
I walk into his arms as he holds me. I start sobbing again. "I am so sorry, baby," he says. I just shake my head.
"I didn't get- get to say goodbye," I say and Nathan shakes his head.
"Don't think about that, Bee. Sawyer knew how much you loved him," Nathan says.
"I can't," I say and start crying harder. Nathan has one hand on the back of my head and one on my back holding me to him.
"Shhh," he says trying to get me to calm down.
"I am so sorry," is all he can say. I don't know how to stop myself. All I can do is cry.
We walk out of the hotel room and go to the lobby. I feel like I am not in my body. My mind has me somewhere else. I am in autopilot. My dad is the first to take me in his arms. When Henry tries to get to me Nathan picks him up and takes him to the fountain. My dad holds me tightly.
"I am so sorry, Bubs," Is that all anyone can say. Saying sorry doesn't bring Sawyer back. I don't say anything.
My mom takes me in her arms next. She is crying slightly too. Sawyer was her security guard before I came along. They were also very close. If anyone understands it is her. I am in physical pain.
Teddy hugs me too. And Liv. Claire is with Nathan and Henry. We get into cars. I stare out of the window as we drive. The only sound that can be heard is Henry singing baby shark. I just want to be home.
We board the plane and I am next to Nathan. We are in our own row. My mom and dad have Henry and Liv and Ted have Leo. Claire is diagnol from us.
"I am really sorry, Phoebe," Claire says. She looks upset too. I give her a tight smile and thank her. I stare out of the window.
(Flashback, Phoebe 6th Grade)
"You will do so great, Bubs," my dad says. I lean over hugging him. Today is my first day of middle school. I am so nervous. Sawyer is driving and my dad is in the backseat with me.
"Are you sure, I have to go?" I ask my dad.
"Bubs, there is nothing to be afraid of. Trust me, you are going to love it. And Ava will be there. Teddy is upstairs too if you need him," my dad reminds me. I nod and bite my nails.
When we pull up to the school, my dad sighs. I turn towards him. "You are going to be a rockstar," my dad says. I shake my head.
"I am only a phone call away, Bubs," he says and I nod. I give him one last hug and get out of the car. I am so nervous. What if I get lost? What if I can't find Teddy?
I start walking up to the school. I walk into the school and it is so busy. 5th grade was never like this. I remember my first classroom is room 203. I check the signs on the wall and follow them. Finally, I find a classroom.
When I walk in my teacher is a tall and bald man. He is kind of scary. Nothing like my sweet 5th grade teacher. Already, my stomach is in knots. I am on the verge of tears. Since all the elementary schools go to one middle school, I don't know anyone.
The bell rings and I am fighting tears. I can't be here. I want to go home. I have to be here for the next three years too. I wipe a stray tear that falls.
"Hello everyone, I am Mr. Goodman. I am your math teacher. Welcome to 6th grade. I am going to start with attendance before I do the seating chart," he says. Oh no. Not a seating chart. I want to stay hidden in the back.
"Phoebe," I get pulled out of my thoughts.
"Here," I say quietly. I feel like I am going to be sick. I fight the tears. 6th graders don't cry.
"Okay, everyone up, this is your seating chart. First in the front row we have Phoebe Grey," he says. Everyone stares as I go and sit down. Don't cry. I repeat the mantra in my head.
When Mr. Goodman starts teaching, I feel so sick. I know I am going to cry if I don't leave right now. I raise my hand. "You already have a question?" He asks and everyone laughs. I ask to go to the bathroom. He let me go and I ran out. When I get into the hall is when I start crying.
Tears stream down my face as I desperately try to find the bathroom. "Pheebs, Phoebe hey," Sawyer stops me. He puts both hands on my shoulders as I try to hide my crying face.
"What's going on, kiddo come here," he says. He pulls me to the side of the hallway and we go into a classroom with no one in it. He sits me down.
"I have to get back to class, I am going to get yelled at," I say and try to stand. Sawyer grabs my arm.
"You are fine, I will talk to your teacher. What is going on, Fee?" he asks. I start crying harder.
"I want to go home," I say. Sawyer frowns and pulls me to his chest.
"It is a scary change isn't it?" he asks and I nod. He rubs my back. I am so glad he is here.
"You know what?" He asks.
"On my first day of middle school, I threw up in front of everyone," he says and I look up at him.
"No you didn't," I say. He laughs and nods.
"I had the stomach flu. My mom never believed me because every first day of school I faked sick," he says and I laugh.
"Served me right, I guess. Everyone called me Pukey Lukey for the rest of the year," he says. I laugh and he smiles.
"What has got you feeling so upset, kiddo?" He asks.
"I am just nervous," I say and he nods.
"You were also nervous your first day of kindergarten, and you loved going to school after. It is always the first day of school nerves that get us right?" he asks and I nod. He is right.
"Do I have to stay?" I ask him. He laughs and squeezes my hand.
"As much as I would love to bail you out and take you to get pizza, you do have to stay," he says.
"It was worth a shot," I say, making Sawyer laugh.
"After school, we will go get ice cream, deal?" he asks and I nod. We both stand and when I start walking he stops me.
"Fee, I am always here. No matter what day or time, I am here," he says.
(End Flashback)
"Bee, Bee, Phoebe," Nathan pulls me out of my thought. My face is drenched in tears.
"Hey," Nathan says and I shake my head.
"What is going on?" He asks.
"I can't believe he is gone," I say and Nathan moves the arm rest up and pulls me closer. I put my face in his chest crying.
"I am here," he says.
"Does his family know?" I ask. Oh Mrs. Sawyer. I picture her getting the news. I picture someone telling me Henry passed away.
"I am sure, baby," Nathan says and I cry. I don't know how I am ever going to be okay with this. He was my best friend. He was with me through everything.
"Who murdered him?" I ask.
"Baby, it could have been a drunk driver who drove away. We don't know if it is con-" I cut him off.
"You and I both know it was connected," I snap. I pull away from Nathan. Tears keep falling as I stare out of the window. I hear Leo crying. Everything around me feels like a blur.
"Mommy," I hear Henry say.
"Buddy, go see Bubs," Nathan says trying to not let Henry see me.
"He is fine," I say.
"Bee," Nathan says.
"He is fine," I say more forcefully. Henry is lifted onto Nathan's lap. I turn and see his sweet little face.
"Momma sad," Henry says and puts his little hand on my cheek. I nod. Suddenly Henry is in my lap hugging me.
"Shh momma don't be sad," he says. He makes shushing noises like we do when he cries. That makes me break down. I hold him to me and cry.
"Why sad, Momma?" Henry asks. He pulls back and I brush his hair to the side. I can't handle telling him and Nathan knows. Henry LOVED Sawyer.
"Momma doesn't feel very good and that makes her sad," Nathan says for me. Henry nods and wipes away my tears. He really is the sweetest boy.
"Momma I sing?" Henry asks. I always sing when Henry cries to make him feel better.
"You make happy skies are grey," he sings, you are my sunshine. I cry and listen to his little voice as I hold him. Henry ends up falling asleep on me. I hold him like he is my lifeline. Right now, he is.
When the plane lands, Nathan puts Henry in his stroller. We walk out to the cars. Sawyer is supposed to be picking us up. Nathan has a car and we put Henry in. I turn and see my dad. He hugs me tightly.
"I am so sorry, Bubs. We are going to find out who did this," he says and I nod. Tears start to fall again. I didn't know it was possible to feel like this. I am hurting.
I get passed around and hugged and then put in the car. I am silent as we drive home. To our new home I might add. We got the call three days ago from Sawyer that the house is fully furnished, painted and done. That was the last time I got to hear his voice.
I should be excited and ecstatic. I should be talking Sawyer's ear off about vacation. Instead, I am here. In the front seat of the car with a broken heart.
We pull in the driveway. Nathan shuts the garage and tells me he has everything. To go and get ready for bed. We hired a moving crew and organization team to put all our clothes and household items away. The best decision we have made to date.
I look around the house fully furnished. It feels so empty. When I go into our room it is beautifully done. The woodwork and bed frame is my dream room. All I can do is cry. I slide into bed and lay on my side with my arms on my belly.
All I can do is cry. At some point Nathan slides into bed. I think he knows there is nothing he can do to change what is happening because he doesn't talk. All he does is hold me and let me cry.
Why me? Why us? Why Sawyer?