A/N: Oh lordy, Edward is back on AOL again. Bella's text is in italics. Everything else is Edward's

[diary entry]

She emailed me today. I don't know what I could have possibly done to justify such benevolence. I am worried I have caused her to lose sleep.

Recipient: Cullen Edward edwardcullenemail

Sender: Bella Swan wutheringdepths87

Date & Time: 07/23, Fri, 02:52

Subject: Re: Re: A confession and apology

I've spoken to Alice. You don't need to change schools. I'd feel guilty and I'm not going to feel guilty because of this situation. I think it's better if you have to face up to it anyway. Maybe you'll learn something.

I still don't understand why you won't go out with anyone at school if you're isolated and lonely- you must be to have behaved like this.

Your family all seem nice, you seemed nice though. Shy and anxious, but you always seemed respectful in person. I never thought you would do something like any of this.

I don't understand you Edward. What led you to this point?

-Previous Message-

Recipient: Bella Swan wutheringdepths87

Sender: Cullen Edward edwardcullenemail≥

Date & Time: 07/23, Fri, 04:47

Subject: Re: Re: Re: A confession and apology

Dear Bella,

Thank you for talking with Alice and for sharing your decision about what you want me to do in September. If you feel differently in future, just say the word and I will arrange to change schools with Carlisle.

I have spent a lot of time in the last few weeks trying to work out how I became someone who would act in the ways that I did. I do not think I was like this before my parents passed, but my memories are a little fuzzy of my childhood.

After they died I was isolated and I think I twisted that into something to be proud of. I have certainly been a very prideful person, to the point it has made me most disliked among my siblings. Of course it has been hard to be surrounded by couples for so long, but somewhere along the way I turned my loneliness into feeling I did not need anyone, and then, later, into feeling that any longing for companionship or affection was a sign of weakness. The fault lies squarely at my feet.

I ended up feeling superior for being so independent, and I suppose that was when I really started to become intolerable to be around. It was easier to feel that I did not need anyone than to need them and be rejected. So I started to behave secretively about any of those things I perceived as weaknesses.

It has also been easier to deny to myself that I was hurt by those rejections, and to pretend that I was invulnerable, that I did not need anyone and that nobody was worthy of my affections anyway. If I did not need anyone then I could not be hurt by rejection and I could not be abandoned. It was certainly easier than missing my parents and worrying that I would be left alone again.

I do not share anything in common with most of the people at school. I do not like sports or parties, I do not play video games and am terrible with computers. I play the piano and read a lot in my spare time, I find social interactions overwhelming. I am awkward and always seem to say the wrong thing, I cannot tell jokes and if I make others laugh it is never on purpose. I am not interested in casual contact with others. Physical touch is something that stopped being part of my life when my parents passed, now I tend to find it overwhelms me , so I avoid it, including with the girls at school.

I have not dated anyone who has asked for the sole reason that I am not attracted to them, I am more terrified of them in honesty. Moreover, we have no common interests, no foundation to build upon. They are not fond of the things I enjoy in my free time, they are gregarious and precocious, I am insular and awkward. They want something from me that I feel I could not possibly give them and they feel that they know me when they really do not at all. It has proven impossible to have a conversation with the girls who have asked me out without feeling as if they are trying to steer it somewhere I do not wish to go. I have always felt greatly pressured by their hidden agenda and sure that stringing them along in the false belief that romance is on the cards would be toying with their affections in the most callous manner.

Despite the whispers at school about me being with college girls, being gay, or having secret affairs with half the town, I have never dated or even so much as held hands with a girl. So when I have been propositioned in the past by girls so clearly desiring of my physical affection and undying devotion, it has been deeply uncomfortable for me. Their gestures seem loaded, their invitations transactional. I am sure that they will fall deeply in love and find the happiness they deserve, but it is not something that I can give them. I would never satisfy them and it would only hurt them in the end.

You interacted with me without an agenda. You were kind because you are a kind person, it is simply your nature. You were not trying to get something from me. I had not been treated like that before. You treated me gently, because you are a gentle person, not because you wanted anything in return. Even though I am not likeable, you treated me with dignity and respect. I only wish I had done the same to you, it makes my behaviour all the more contemptible.

Being haughty and hubristic meant I could pour scorn on others rather than accept that people do not find me likeable once they get to know me. Perhaps it was inevitable that I should hurt the person whom I held in the greatest esteem given how vile I had become, though that is not to say that it was not entirely my fault. Your goodness was addictive to me, it laid bare my vulnerabilities and reminded me how lonely I was, how much I craved warmth and connection. It gave me hope. I think I wanted to hate you at first, for making me feel weak, for giving me hope when hope had done nothing but hurt me each time it was dashed in the past. But I could not hate someone who did nothing but kind acts, who did not laugh at cruel jokes, who did not sexualise or objectify me, or turn each conversation into some kind of transaction. There was simply never anything to hate.

I deeply regret that I sexualised and objectified you though, the fact that I found your kindness so appealing but showed you none of the same courtesy in return makes my actions all the more despicable. I am very guilty of not seeing you as a whole person, I knew I should be deeply ashamed if you were to find out what I had been doing, but only recently did I really absorb that must mean that my actions were very, very wrong.

The only apology worth making is one lived out through changes in my behaviour and I am determined to give you and my family the sincere apology you deserve by doing so. I have lived in a cowardly way, lacking even the bravery to be honest with myself. I have run away from the consequences of my actions many times over, I have run away from the truth of how I have hurt others and I have run away from hope for fear of further heartbreak, I have been too cowardly to be honest and vulnerable. I vow I shall work to become a better man and face the damage that I have caused, you all deserve that of me.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to reflect upon this and for allowing me to offer you some explanation, unsatisfactory as it may be.

Sincerely,

Edward

From the desk of Edward. A. Cullen

On Fri, 23 July at 05:21, Bella Swan wutheringdepths87 wrote:

I am sorry for the loss of your parents, I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for you.

I think the saddest thing about this whole situation is that I really liked you and wanted to be your friend. If you'd had a conversation with me, or asked me out I definitely would have said yes. I would have thought I was so lucky that you were interested in spending time with me. Instead you chose to behave in a way that has scared and hurt me.

Thank you for trying to explain why you did what you did. I agree that you need to face up to your mistakes and make big changes. It is the only way forward.

[diary entry]

It is just as well that I did not know she would have entertained my affections, as desolate as it makes me feel to know this now. I shudder to think how I would have behaved had she permitted me to become close to her.

A/N: Please leave a review! Bella has calmed down a little, but she is still justifiably mad with Edward. What's going to happen once school starts back again?

Just a reminder that Edward cannot continue being so atrocious to everyone indefinitely. It is time he ate some humble pie. He will come back to you in his trademark Bonerward/Prudeward style, but he needs to have a difficult adolescence first. Thanks for bearing with him.

I plan on uploading the chapters without comedy in batches so that those who are here for the laughs aren't too alienated by the tonal change and can whizz through them. I sincerely hope you will fall in love with him on the other side of all of this. The only way out is through.

Thanks to the creative, kind and funny wh1teow1 for being the best beta for this story please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!