TW: Discussion of Suicide

Tell me what to do.

For a moment, Draco was just as lost. Beads of sweat trailed down the sides of his face, and his cheeks still stung after five kilometres in the freezing wind. He felt all wrong for this moment.

What to do?

The most difficult thing Draco ever had to do was knock on Bastien's door. Hermione was coming to him at this moment, and she deserved him at his best. Draco needed a moment to figure out what, exactly, that was. He held out his hand and said,

"Follow me."

Hermione took hold of his hand with a tight grip as she stood up. Draco led her through his closet and into his bathroom. She stood there as Draco dropped her hand and undressed. He couldn't help Hermione through this covered in sweat and smelling of dirty socks. He also couldn't leave Hermione alone. Neither of them said anything as Draco tossed his clothes and trunks onto the floor then stepped inside the shower.

He closed his eyes and tilted his face up toward the water. He washed up quickly as his mind sped in a dozen different directions. As the hot water soothed him, Draco tried to figure out what, exactly, Hermione needed from him.

What had he wished someone had said to him at his lowest? What had he needed to know, needed to see? He supposed Hermione needed to know that what she felt was okay. It was good to be anxious and scared as long as she could see past it. Perhaps that was Draco's role in this moment, to help her look forward.

He turned off the water and stepped out to find Hermione standing exactly where he left her. He Summoned a towel, dried off, then wrapped it around his hips. Draco took Hermione's hand and led her back into the closet. She was on high alert for something, incredibly tense. Draco took his time selecting an outfit to slow her down, because Ron Weasley's words had lingered in the back of his mind.

"When you did whatever you did, you threatened the future Hermione envisioned for you. When Hermione is threatened she explodes."

Hermione had blown up her own future, all those plans ... Draco's concern was instead of all that rage being directed outward, Hermione would implode instead. She would blame herself. He dressed with one hand, keeping hold of Hermione with the other. It was an awkward shimmy, but Hermione didn't seem to mind, opting instead to help.

"Not our finest dance," Draco said with a laugh.

Hermione asked, "Do you remember our first dance?"

"I do." Draco led her back into the bedroom. "Blaise's wedding reception, and my heart nearly stopped when I touched your bum. That was the moment I realized I had a crush on you."

"Seeing you with Scarlett and Sebastien that first day? That's when I knew. You are different with them because they see you differently."

"You're different with me."

"Because I didn't need to try to be someone else for you."

They slowly made their way over to sit on the sofa. Draco wrapped one arm around Hermione's shoulders and pulled her close. She rested her head against his shoulder and curled into his side.

"I feel so empty."

"Why?"

"Because I've always had a purpose. When we were in school, I was helping Harry. Keeping Harry and Ron alive. Studying. Knitting. Winning a war. After the war, it was becoming Minister. International Magical Cooperation. I had a plan. Yesterday I ..." She swallowed thickly. "I threw it all away."

"I don't think that is at all what you did."

"No?"

"No, I think you realized your plan would take too much time. Why do you want to be Minister?"

"To help people. To make changes so the next generation knows not to fall into the trap of prejudice. When I got my Hogwarts letter, I was so relieved. I spent eleven years thinking I was strange, feeling out of place everywhere in the world. When I got to Hogwarts I thought it would feel like home, but I arrived and everyone still made me feel different. I had no place. I want to make sure no child, Muggle-born or otherwise, feels like this world doesn't want them."

"How did you plan to do that as Minister?"

Hermione frowned.

"I suppose I don't really know."

"Then you didn't lose much, did you?"

"Well—"

"You were so singularly focused on one goal that you didn't realize it was not where you need to be." Draco kissed the top of her head and said, "You will feel like rubbish until you figure it out. I know it's difficult, but I am here for you."

"How do you figure out where you are meant to be?" asked Hermione. "It's like I was walking forward then the floor disappeared from underneath me and now I'm falling. I can't control anything, there is nothing to hold onto, and it's dark. So, so dark."

"When you look at your future," asked Draco, "what do you see?"

Hermione sighed heavily and moved so her head was in Draco's lap. She stared at the ceiling as she replied.

"I see you. Getting married to you, making this our home, and ... I'd, um, I think I'd like to have a baby."

Draco managed to contain his excitement for that idea, but only just. It was a different feeling from when Hermione wanted to do it for him, versus wanting to do it for herself.

"With Ron, I never wanted to be a mum. I would've done it eventually, but I wouldn't have been happy. Then I think about it with you and I want that life for us. I want to see a little blond boy with curls running around our house, zooming about on a tiny broomstick. A child is something we can do together, an extension of our relationship, which is the one place I feel safe." Hermione closed her eyes and admitted, "I never trusted myself around Ronald. But for you, I learned to trust myself, to make myself better. You make me feel safe, and I know you would make our son feel exactly the same way. Even if I am not great at first—"

Draco insisted, "You would be wonderful."

"—I know you would teach me. Once I figured that out, I realized I do want to be a mother. I had to wait for the right partner."

Draco smiled to himself.

"You saying that makes this feel like Christmas has come around again."

Hermione laughed a bit.

"I love you so much, Draco Malfoy."

"I love you, too, my strong, resilient girlfriend. Would you like to know what I see in the future for us?"

Hermione nodded.

"You and me getting married. Me getting nervous to propose because how the bloody hell could you ever say yes to me, of all people?"

"Because you forgave me."

"You earned my forgiveness."

"But that didn't mean you had to give it to me."

"It did, because I love you. And I see a big wedding, the sort that will make all our friends envious for years to come. I will proclaim in front of as many people as possible that I am completely yours and we are a truly happy family. I see us having a daughter, more like you than me. Stubborn, of course, but brilliant at whatever she chooses to do."

"A big wedding?"

"Would you prefer something small?"

"I ..." Hermione huffed. "I don't know. I can't see what I want very clearly. Inside of me, I know I want to marry you and make a family with you. I know I want to change the world, to help people." Hermione wiped away a tear as she admitted, "But I can't see how anymore. And it's so frustrating! How do I get married when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning? How do I have a child when I can't even have sex with my incredibly beautiful boyfriend? And how could I possibly change the world when I can't even hold down a job?!"

Draco played with one of Hermione's curls as she continued to search for the proper words to define her emotions.

"I keep thinking if I don't do something grand with my life then I'm not worthy of you. I need to live up to my potential, otherwise my life is rubbish and you don't deserve to be held down by that."

"First, Hermione, you will make a difference in the world because it is what you were born to do. I couldn't stop you if I tried. Hell, the Dark Lord tried to kill you. Dumbledore tried to manipulate you. The papers tried to make you into someone you are not, and none of them managed to destroy you. The only person who can stop you from achieving whatever it is that you decide you want, is you."

Hermione nodded and took hold of Draco's hand.

"You are wicked powerful, Hermione. The problem you faced at the Ministry was the same problem you had in your relationship with Weasley: you trapped yourself in something you didn't want."

"I wanted my relationship with Ron to work. This is something you can't understand, because you put yourself into other people."

Draco frowned.

"I don't like the sound of that."

"You put value on your relationships to people. Your family revolves around you; you're like the sun and everyone is connected to you. I didn't know Tracey at all until I began dating you, and we got so close that she helped sell my house. Your identity is invested in your family, but mine was invested in my work."

"Who said your work has to stop because you left the Ministry?"

"I can't renegotiate Merpeople territorial rights or—"

"It's too small, Hermione." Draco insisted, "That office was suffocating you just like your room at your parents' house and your relationship to Ron Weasley."

"That's not fair."

"It is. You were in therapy before me because that job was not right for you. You've known for years that you have been in the wrong place. That's why you hurled a book at the Hungarian Minister for Magic, just as you did to me."

Hermione's entire body seemed to seize up. She dropped her hold on Draco's hand and made to stand up, but Draco pulled her back down.

"This is not a conversation you can run away from."

"I don't need this from you right now! I need your support, I need—"

"What do you think this is?" asked Draco. "Do you want me to sit here and play the role of docile, submissive boyfriend as you fall apart right in front of me? I won't do it, Hermione. We have both come too far and this relationship is too important to me. You said as much yourself, when you hit me that rage wasn't truly about me."

"No," she conceded, "it wasn't."

"You were angry that you couldn't see when I needed you the most. You felt that you had failed. Every time Weasley got too close to Alicia; you believed it to be your failure."

Hermione sank into the sofa cushion and let her head fall into her hands.

"You have no idea what it's like when your husband fantasizes about someone else while you are underneath him. How humiliating it is to realize you're not desirable enough in appearance. I never needed to be pretty for you because you saw value in other parts of me. When you didn't trust me enough to come to me in a moment of vulnerability, it stung just the same as Ron's emotional infidelity. If I am not worthy of love externally, and not trustworthy internally, then there is nothing left. I have nothing else to offer."

Oh.

Draco began to put the pieces together. When he surprised Hermione on her birthday, she said she was sorry Draco was in love with her because she was "not enough." She insisted, "You were better than Ron for me, but I couldn't be better for you." This pain wasn't about their relationship or her job; Hermione had been losing bits of herself for years. Draco asked,

"Do you believe you would be here right now if I did not trust you?"

No answer. Draco placed his hand on her thigh and tried to think of something to say. How could he let Hermione know that her misgivings about herself were misplaced?

"The only reason I opened my heart to you a second time is because I trust you with it. You, Hermione Granger, are stuck hopping between two separate worlds. How could anyone expect to figure out who they are when that is the case? As much as I would love to have Ron Weasley's bollocks as repayment for all the doubt he cultivated inside of you, he only saw half of your life. The half that exists here."

Hermione pushed her hair out of her face and leaned into Draco's left side. He held her for a minute, allowing her time to process it all. Draco found himself wondering, once again, how so much power could fit into someone so small.

"The only solution is to force my worlds together," Hermione said. "And I can't do that unless I am at the Ministry or the International Confederation of Wizards. It's impossible to fix from here."

"No, it's not."

"Feel free to put a card in the suggestions box, then."

"That is not my job, Hermione. I am here to support you, to be the foundation, to help you build the road to wherever it is you choose to go. Tell me your plan and I will make it happen, but I don't fix the world's problems. That is all you, my phenomenally clever girlfriend. Whom I hope will one day be my captivating, ingenious fiancee; then my brilliant, showstopping wife."

The corners of Hermione's mouth twitched upward a bit as she was unable to completely hide her smile.

"You are such a sap."

"Completely."

Hermione caved in on herself and groaned.

"When you came back to me, I'd begun my potion regimen a few days prior. I tried to stay away from you because I was ashamed. Too ashamed to tell you I needed help because it was difficult to be Hermione anymore. When I was with you, I hurt you. When I tried to stay away from you, I still caused you unnecessary pain. I wish I had answers for why I am like this, because I feel so lost and afraid. If this is how dark and disoriented I am with the increasing potion regimen, I am terrified to think of where I would be without it."

Draco held her even tighter.

"You will feel awful until you find the answer, and that is a good thing."

Hermione scoffed, "How can it possibly be a good thing?"

"If you didn't feel awful about not having answers, you would have no motivation to find them. Curiosity and tenacity are strengths, even though they make you feel a bit lost right now."

"I just want this to end, this feeling of total insignificance. Hopelessness. I would give anything to escape from it."

"There is no escaping this, Hermione. There are only two things you can do: stay in it or find your way through it."

"You never needed a potion to get through your struggles."

"No, I just had to piss with the door open for a month and watch my friends reach for their wands any time I so much as touched a butter knife."

Hermione quipped, "At least your friends were willing to do that for you."

"Potter is going through his own issues right now, and I think we can agree that Ron Weasley is not the person you need to help get you through anything. He reminds you of what you were like at your worst, and it is my job to help you get back to your best. Plus, you still have piss privileges."

Hermione smiled a bit. Those flashes of humour were enough to convince Draco he was doing the right thing. All he could think was thank God he went through this first. Hermione needed him, and he understood the road ahead would be a long one.

"When you wanted to kill yourself, Draco, was this what it felt like?"

After a long pause, he said, "Describe it to me again."

"Nothing is stable. It feels like the world could come crashing down on me at any moment and I'd have no idea what to do if it did. I feel like a failure for walking away. My heart aches, and everything else hurts, too."

"Yes," he confirmed, "that is what it felt like."

"Then why didn't you?"

"Why didn't I commit suicide?"

Hermione nodded.

"To be honest, I would have if Bastien hadn't answered the door. I knew in my heart that I wasn't worth anything, and I would kill myself unless someone stopped me. Bastien, for all his faults, understands people. He's a bit of a slut himself, so he never judged me for sleeping around. I felt safe going to him and he figured out exactly what to do to keep me alive. A month in, when they finally allowed me some time to myself, I went straight there. I nearly did it, and the only thing that stopped me was the realization that I would take a piece of Blaise with me. I would never get to see Scarlett win a Quidditch match or read Sebastien another story in bed. Penelope says it is not sustainable, but what helped me to stay alive was realizing how much my absence would hurt my family. Not my parents, obviously, but the people I consider family. I want to be around when Scarlett scores her first goal at Hogwarts. I want to help Sebastien figure out exactly what he wants to be when he gets older. All of that outweighed how terrified I was of living another moment. Through that, I had enough time to figure out exactly what my value is as a person. I simply needed some help to see it."

Hermione admitted, "I don't see my value anymore. I put all of my identity into my career, and now that I've quit I have nothing to show for it but questions."

"As I said, you will find the answers."

"What if I don't?"

"If you don't what?"

"What if I can't figure out why the world needs Hermione Granger?"

"Fuck off with the world. Forget about the bigger picture, Hermione, you hold my heart in your hands. It travels with you wherever you go, and that is what you need to remember when those doubts creep into your head."

Hermione nodded and gripped the front of Draco's shirt. He was surprised how well she was holding herself together, given how frantic he had been the moment that darkness began to close in. But then, she was Hermione Granger, far stronger than anyone gave her credit for. Draco tilted her chin up just enough to kiss her before saying,

"Even if the world doesn't need you, I do."