Chapter 61: Cages, pt. 2

February 2, 1945

When Bucky finally woke up, he felt the pain in his arm in a big way.

Well, technically, he felt the pain in his elbow, wrist, and hand, but when he went to move them it felt weird and when he finally opened his eyes he learned that they were no longer attached. The pain compounded then, spreading into his shoulder and chest and neck, consuming him like fire. Each pound of his heart felt like a sledgehammer to the stump of his arm, and with no shame for how it made him look, he screamed. He screamed in pain, in surprise, and in fear. How was he going to live through this? Could he live through this? Did he want to live through this? How was he supposed to go through the rest of his life with only one arm?

"Barnes. Barnes!" It took a moment for Lu's voice to reach him, and he flinched hard as she put her hands on his chest and opposite shoulder. He couldn't look up at her; in fact, he assumed (or rather, hoped) she was a hallucination. He could only look at the place where his arm used to be, and soon his screams devolved into heavy, choking sobs. Imaginary Lu pulled him against her chest, holding him as he cried like a child. She ran her fingers through his hair and murmured soothing things to him, though he couldn't hear her over the sounds he was making.

"I can't - I - this -" He couldn't finish a sentence, couldn't complete a thought. This had to be a nightmare. Yes, that was it. He'd fallen asleep with Lu's head on his arm and was simply dreaming that it was gone. The pain started to recede as he convinced himself that he was sleeping, that his arm was just numb and soon he would wake up and recover it.

Then he noticed the cage.

It was different than the cages they'd been in the first time, different than the cages of his nightmares. This one was wider, the bars thicker. He reached out his right hand - the only one he had - and he sat up and grabbed one, a hiccup making him give it an experimental pull. It didn't feel like iron, or steel. It was some sort of composite he'd never seen. This time, when reality crashed down on him, he couldn't scream or cry. He'd spent all his energy in the first round, and he was left with nothing but the ashes.

"I know." Lu said softly. He turned to look, finding her sitting on her knees with tears streaming down her cheeks. Her hair was untidy, and her uniform rumpled and stained with blood. She reached out with cold fingers and took his quivering hand. It had been a long time since her hands were cold like this. She nodded, her lower lip trembling. "I know." she said, her voice thick with tears.

"My arm…" he said, his voice cracking. The boring pain dug into his bones, into his soul. She nodded again.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't find it, and you were in the river and bleeding out and…" she trailed off. She was shaking, and he knew he should put his arm around her and comfort her, but the thought of moving seemed impossible.

"Doc?" he asked, and her breath caught at the name. He swallowed against the tightness in his chest, trying to calm himself enough to ask. "Where are we?"

Her face crumpled, and she shook like she was about to be sick, though really she was just trying to quell her sobs. "I'm sorry." she said again, her voice high and broken. "I'm sorry, I tried to save us, but they were so fast, and the snow was so deep, and…they caught up to us."

"They…" He was hoping that she would fill in the gaps, say anything. His mind went to the worst, but he ignored it, waiting for her to tell him differently. Pain flared in his arm again. "No. No, please tell me it isn't-"

"I'm sorry." she interrupted, pulling her hand away and folding her arms over her abdomen. "I'm sorry, I tried so hard. But I wasn't strong enough."

"Fuck." he said, leaning his head against the bars. He wanted to cry further, but no tears would come. He'd heard about the pain of heartbreak, and never realized that it was literal. Now his chest ached with absolute despair, like the hole he'd seen blasted through a private on his first day of deployment. He couldn't help but think that the private was luckier than he was. "Fuck!"

"I'm sorry." Lu said again, this time barely a whisper. He came back to himself and saw the big picture again, past the arm and the cage. Now, on top of the layers of pain and panic and hopelessness, he could add a layer of guilt. He reached out, laying his hand on her cheek and pulling her attention back to him.

"Hey, hey, are you okay?" he asked. How much of that blood was hers, and he just didn't realize it? "How long have I been out? Did they hurt you?"

"I'm okay." she said, sniffling. She wiped her nose on her sleeve, which was terribly unladylike, but he didn't give it a second thought. "I'm not injured. You've been out for two days, I think, but they've left me alone. Do you…do you remember what happened?"

"I don't want to, not right now." he said, though even as he said it he could feel the ice on his face and the cramping of his hands around the railing. He made to move towards her, but even a shift of his weight sent pain through the entire left side of his body, making him groan through gritted teeth. She scooted next to him, the weight of her cold hands giving him comfort. He breathed through the pain, trying to bring it back down to the deep, gnawing ache instead of the stabbing. "What are we gonna do, Doc?"

"I don't know, Barnes." she said, carefully sitting next to him and laying her head on his shoulder. He leaned his against hers, the comfort outweighing the pain. She pulled her knees to her chest, still shaking with her tears. "I don't know."

They sat like that for a long time, long enough that Bucky was sure he slipped back into unconsciousness (be it sleep or otherwise) and awoke some hours later. His arm still hurt, but it was more manageable now, as long as he didn't move. Lu was asleep too, her head on his thigh and his hand on her back, a lame attempt at protection. The guilt threatened to drown him. He had one job: to protect his girl. And he'd failed in a most spectacular way.

Lu told him once that when she got really angry, she tended to cry, which never helped during an argument with her superiors. The statement hadn't made sense at the time, but now he understood it completely. Tears came to him for a second time, this time hot and streaming as he took this moment of silence to accept his complete and utter failure. He tried to dig himself out of it, tried to tell himself that they'd be okay, that he'd find a way to get them out of there, but the possibility didn't even seem slim. It seemed impossible.

Lu was breathing shallow and steady, at least asleep enough not to notice him shifting slightly. He finally looked down at his arm; the sleeve of his uniform was cut, giving him full view of the charred and mangled flesh. The side of his shirt was soaked, but it wasn't with blood, it was some sort of fluid that he'd seen before, on that very same arm.

Infection.

The smell hadn't hit him yet, but he was sure it would eventually. He attempted to lift what was left of the arm, grimacing as pain spiderwebbed through him. It was weirdly easy to lift it, now that he was missing most of the weight. He moved it a few more times, finding that the pain and stiffness dissipated as he kept going. The fluid drained faster as blood flow increased to the area, dropping to the floor with abnormally loud drip drip drip sounds. It was enough to rouse Lu, who shot up once she consciously heard it.

"Are you okay?" she asked immediately, her eyes still focusing. She zeroed in on his arm, taking in all the data that her medical brain needed.

"Yea, yea it feels a little better now." he said. It wasn't a lie. Physically, there was a minimal improvement. Emotionally, he wanted to jump off a building. She reached across him and lifted up the scrap of his sleeve, letting out a long breath.

"It's infected." she said, the fact visibly weighing her down.

"Yea." he agreed, not knowing what else to say. There was nothing she could do about it. He eyed the stains on her uniform, and with a jolt realized that all the blood had to be his. "Lu?"

"Hm?" she asked, clasping her hands in her lap. Something about hearing her real name always made her nervous.

"Tell me what happened." he said. "All of it."

Lu didn't answer immediately, instead looking down at the floor. He watched her collect her thoughts, waiting patiently until she built up her courage. He didn't interrupt her as she told the whole story, sounding as if she were dictating a note on a patient, detached and detail oriented. She spared nothing, despite wanting to, and by the end his heart was broken again.

"They knocked me out once the blizzard rolled in, and I woke up in here. I think that was yesterday. And I haven't seen anyone since." she finished. She was looking at her hands, rubbing away red stains that hadn't completely faded yet.

"You should have left me." he said, and all her sorrow and guilt evaporated, replaced by righteous fury.

"Don't you dare, James Buchanan Barnes." she said, her voice dangerously calm. "Don't you dare tell me I should have run."

"You should have!" he snapped. He wasn't angry at her, really, but he was angry. So fucking angry. "You could've been safe, you could've-"

"Could've what? Abandoned you? You, my heart and soul? Fuck that, Barnes." she seethed. Good, she was angry too. That made him feel less guilty about picking this fight. "And fuck you for saying that."

"I'm a goddamned cripple now, Doc, in case you didn't notice." he said, waving his residual limb around. A piece of flesh flew off, landing with a sickening splat across the cage. "I'm useless now, dead weight. You'd be better off without me!"

"I'd rather have a life with you and your one arm than a life alone-"

"But you don't get a life now!" he argued, as if they could change anything, as if this wasn't the first time they had a real fight, as if this didn't hurt worse than his arm. "You're stuck here, and it's my fault, I couldn't even protect you from fucking Hydra-"

"Me? I couldn't protect you-"

"We had one goddamned bunker left-"

"I made my own choice!" she shouted, stunning him into silence. "You're right, I could've run. I could've hidden in the trees and watched as they found you, watched as they dragged you back to this bunker and did God knows what to you. But we made a promise to each other, and I fucking keep my promises."

"Apparently I don't, since I couldn't keep you out of here-"

"Would you have left me? If the situation were reversed?" she asked, interrupting his pity party.

"Of course not." he said, realizing too late that he was playing right into her point.

"So get it through your thick skull, which somehow survived a ten story fall," she said, poking his forehead. "It's me and you, Barnes." she said. "For better or worse."

He tried to come up with a response, but she had him there. He looked away, squeezing his eyes shut because he couldn't stand to look at her or himself. His anger was still simmering in his chest, but the fight had gone out of him. He didn't want to yell at Lu, he wanted to get up and sock some Nazi jackasses in their stupid faces. "I just don't know if I can get us out of this one." he admitted, which hurt more than anything else.

"You had Steve till the end of the line, but it's me and you to the bitter end." she said. She still sat ramrod straight, poised in case he tried to contradict her again. But he wouldn't do that. Not yet, at least.

A heavy door opened, and a flood of adrenaline numbed his pain as Bucky instinctively moved, putting himself between Lu and whoever was coming inside. He felt his eyes widen, not at the heavily armed guards, but at the person they flanked. The last time he saw that face, it was on the projector wall back in London. Zola.

"Ah, good evening, Sergeant Barnes." he said, perfectly cheerful, as if Bucky was there for his yearly check up. Lu gripped the back of his shirt, and he put his arm back to cocoon her as much as he could.

"Fuck you, Zola." he spat.

"Dr. Zola, thank you." he said, apparently enjoying this very much. "I have some exciting news. It seems that you - and you as well, Ms. Peters, surprisingly enough - took rather well to my colleague's work some time ago."

"I'm about to take your head and shove it so far up your ass-"

"Ah, ah, Sergeant Barnes. You are in a very precarious position here." Zola said. His beady eyes slid pointedly to Lu. Bucky growled, pushing her further behind him.

"What do you want?" he said. He would do anything, if it protected Lu. He heard her whisper his name, but he ignored it. Zola smiled, the gesture anything but comforting.

"I'm so glad you asked!" he said, raising up on his toes for a moment, apparently elated by Bucky's question. "First thing, I want to take care of that arm. It's got a rather nasty infection, wouldn't you say?" Bucky didn't say, he just glared. "Normally an infection like that would kill a man, and yet, here you are. Partially that is thanks to the makeshift cauterization by your lady friend here, but otherwise it is thanks to Dr. Becker."

Bucky did remember delirium setting in last time he had an infection in his arm, and that one had been much smaller. He didn't want to think about the why's, or mother fucking Dr. Becker. "Cut the shit, Zola."

"Conversation skills are lacking, that much is clear. Must be from the head trauma." Zola mused. He gestured to the guards. "Sedate him and transfer him to the operating theater." he said. The guards hopped to, unlocking the cage and coming inside. They ripped Lu away from him, despite him trying to fight them off. He kept trying to deliver the classic 1-2 punch he learned at the YMCA way back in the day, but he couldn't make it. Lu screamed, kicking and writhing in an attempt to escape. He shouted her name and almost got his arm free, but another guard grabbed him on the left, the pain taking the breath out of him.

"Fuck you!" he gasped out, feeling the pinch of a needle sinking into his skin. His body became heavy, and the guards started dragging him out of the cage.

"Barnes! Barnes, no!" Lu said. One of the guards pulled out another syringe, sinking it into her neck.

"Don't worry, Ms. Peters," Zola said, his voice sounding far away. "Your turn will come soon enough."

"Lu…" Bucky tried to call out to her, to tell her he'd be alright, to tell her that he loved her, but his tongue was thick in his mouth and his vision was fading. The last thing he saw before everything went black was her staring at him from the floor of the cage, her hand outstretched as if she could reach him.

The blackness was not constant. He faded in and out as his body metabolized the sedative too fast; later he would learn that his body was enhanced, and that normal medications didn't work the same way on him. Today he would get further enhancements, ones that sent his body into overdrive. For now, they just kept pumping him with sedatives.

The first time he half-woke, they were cutting his shirt from him completely. He saw the deep bruises covering his torso, half of them already turning yellow and green as he healed. They injected something into him, and it burned like the injection from the other bunker. Luckily, they quickly added more sedative.

The second time he was on a different gurney, strapped down as someone pointed out the areas of infection. He went to reach for them, but leather straps cut into his arm. That pain was soon followed by another syringe.

The third time someone had an alternating saw and was cutting through the stump of his arm, apparently deeming the end of it too far gone to save. He didn't need the sedative to lose consciousness that time.

The last time Zola was there, admiring the work. "Good." he said, talking to someone else. "Cast the prosthesis and take him back to his cell. We'll wait until he's healed to connect it."

They must have given him a triple dose of the stuff after that, or perhaps his mind just shut his body down so he wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of the surgery. It took him a few tries to wake up after that, delusions mixing with reality as his brain tried to piece everything together. He was in his apartment in Brooklyn, but instead of Steve, Zola was there. Then, he was back in the cage, his sister giving him that reproachful look she had every time he lost a fight. He saw Lu in a sundress on the Coney Island boardwalk, and Steve in the Italian mountains, and his old baseball coach in the Army training base. He saw his mother, gazing at him sadly from across the stupid cage.

When his consciousness solidified, he saw no one. "Doc?" he said, his voice raspy. He coughed roughly, and while it hurt, it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. "Lu?"

He pushed himself up and scanned the cage, but he was alone. That woke him completely, and he scurried around the cage on his hand and knees as if Lu was just hiding and he couldn't see her. "Doc!" he called, hoping that she was near, or in a cage next to him, or something. But she was gone. He stood on shaky legs, holding onto the reinforced bars for support and stumbling to the corner closest to the door. His head was swimming and his body burned, throwing him for a loop. A heavy bandage limited how much he could move his left shoulder, making his balance even worse.

"Hey!" he yelled at the door, collapsing against the bars. When he heard no sounds of boots, he tried again. "Hey! I know someone can hear me! Where is she?! Where did you take her you fuckers?!" He shook the bars, making the cage rattle. The bars themselves didn't give, but the concrete floor and ceiling groaned with exertion. "Where is she?! Where is she?! Answer me!"

The door slammed open, guards shuffling in with the muzzles of their assault rifles pointed at him. He clocked every twitch of their muscles, every shift of their feet. If these damned bars weren't here, he could snap an ankle, steal the gun, shatter a knee, and shoot all of them before they even squeezed a trigger. His muscles tensed, the concrete creaking further. "Where the fuck is she?!"

"Mr. Barnes!" Zola came in, confident that his presence would sooth Bucky. It only made him rage more.

"You sick bastard mother fucker-"

"There's no need for name calling, Mr. Barnes-"

"Where the fuck is she?!"

"Please, sir, your language." Zola said, a school teacher scolding a student. "Ms. Peters is just fine. Like you, she required a booster for her previous serum, and a little operation."

"What the fuck did you do to her?" Bucky said. He gripped the bar so hard that his fingers ached, but he didn't care.

"Just some preventative measures. I wanted to give her time to rest since she is of the weaker sex, but we have a very busy schedule if we're going to stay on target." He spoke of Lu as if she were nothing but another lab specimen, and it made Bucky's blood boil. "She'll be returned to you shortly, so if you would be so kind as to quiet down-"

"If you don't get my fiancee back to me right fucking now Zola I swear to God I'm gonna rip your head off." Bucky said. The metal of the bar felt hot in his hand now, and he almost felt like he could rip it off.

"Again with the language." Zola said, tutting and shaking his head. "Ms. Peters will return shortly. Do you need another sedative?"

"I'll fucking kill you." Bucky said, his voice low and cold, colder than he'd ever been. If he had a little more mind to spare, his tone would have scared him. "I'm going to kill all of you."

"Oh no, my dear soldier. You're going to kill for me." Zola said. He turned on his heel, joining his little pudgy hands behind his back and marching off as if he were ten feet tall. The guards hesitated, looking at each other before following him.

"I'll kill you, Zola!" Bucky called after him. He shook the bar again, and dust rained over his head. The door shut, leaving him in silence. He screamed, in anger this time, until his raw throat felt burned and his ribs felt broken. A guard returned, and Bucky opened his mouth to shout at him again, but the man raised a rifle and shot him with a tranquilizer dart. Bucky was unconscious before he hit the ground.

He was getting real sick and tired of forced unconsciousness, but at least the times were getting shorter and shorter. When he woke up this time, Lu was back in the cage with him. She was in different clothes too, clean ones, and was curled up on her side. He could tell from the way she gasped and shook that she was not asleep. No, not only was she awake, but she was very much in pain.

"Doc?" he asked, crawling over to her. She curled up tighter, holding herself. He couldn't lay behind her - if he wanted to put an arm around her, it meant laying on his freshly surgeried arm - so he simply sat, running a hand over her back. "I'm sorry, Doc. I'm so sorry."

"No more sorries." she said, still trying to catch her breath. "They can be sorry. We aren't sorry anymore."

The anger surprised him, and fueled him. If Lu was ready to fight, then he was too. "Yes, ma'am." he whispered. "You okay?"

"I'm alive." she said, instantly transporting him back to those first cages. At least they got to be in the same one this time.

"Where did they cut you?" he asked. She squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking out the sides. She moved one shaking hand down to her abdomen, the dressing underneath her shirt sounding different. She pushed herself up, holding onto her stomach, and he immediately moved behind her, wrapping his arm around her and holding her to his chest. She felt so cold. "You're okay."

"I don't think I am." she said. "I think they…"

"Shh, no matter what, it's okay." he said, nuzzling her neck, letting her know that he was here. She was right, earlier. They were together, till the bitter end. She let out a shuddering breath and gulped.

"I need you to turn around." she whispered. "I have to check something."

"I can see a wound, Doc."

"I'm not checking my wound."

He wasn't even going to pretend to know what she was talking about at that point, so he did as she asked, turning so that their backs were against each other. His arm throbbed, but that was constant now. He heard and felt as she moved her pants, and held his breath as she did her assessment. He wanted to hold her hand, but that would require turning back, which she told him not to do. She let out one soft, mournful cry, and he couldn't take it anymore, going to turn.

"Don't." she said, stilling him. He sat back, waiting for a long time before she finally situated her pants again. He waited even longer before she spoke. "You said I couldn't live with you because you lost an arm."

"I stand by that, but it's not my decision." he said. It failed to lift her spirits, even a little.

"Would you still want to be with me if I couldn't have children?"

The words hit him square in the gut, but not because she - they - could no longer have their own family. The air went out of him because those men, those devils, had gone into her body and taken something that wasn't theirs. Preventative measures, Zola had called it.

"I'll kill them." he said, and he meant it. That day on the mountain, he thought he was tired of killing. Turns out, he just needed more motivation. "I'll kill them all."

"Barnes-"

"I don't care that - that they did that to you. I mean, I don't care about how it changes our future." he said, not wanting to drive home that she wouldn't be able to carry a child. "I care that they did it to you in that I'm going to slaughter all of them for laying a hand on you."

"You can't, Barnes. There's too many of them." she said. He turned then, wrapping her up in his arm, and this time she let him.

"It may not be today, or tomorrow." he said. He never remembered feeling so angry before, or so strong. He felt, given the opportunity, he could destroy all of them. "But I will. And then we'll go somewhere and we'll find all the kids on the street and adopt them. Hell, maybe I'll just steal a few. Who gives a fuck."

She gave a short laugh that quickly descended into a painful gasp. "You're an idiot, you know that?"

"Yea, but I'm still your idiot, right?" he asked. He didn't want to admit how much fear the question put in him.

"For better or worse." she agreed. "And I'm still your girl?"

"Till the bitter end." he replied. He held her close, rocking her as she cried and letting his own tears soak her hair. They thought they'd hit rock bottom before, but somehow they found a place even lower. The only comfort they had was each other.

Neither of them noticed the distinct dips the size of Bucky's fingers in the bar.

...oops? This is probably the angstiest thing I've ever written. Or maybe I'm just being dramatic, idk.

I love hearing your feedback, so please please please let me know what y'all thought of this chapter!

Did anyone watch Falcon & Winter Soldier? I loved it! I'm sure there's problems with it but I'm here to have fun. For those of you that also read Silver and Honey, as soon as the series is over we'll be back with Mika and Bucky! And if you aren't a reader of Silver and Honey...maybe give it a try? Idk, it's my pride and joy.

Anyways, have a wonderful week, be safe, hug your friends!

-XM