POV: Jordan
They said she went peacefully, that she felt no pain. It was just one incident after another. Just more torture, more pain, after we though the pain from yesterday had already passed. But of course it wasn't over, of course it didn't care. It wormed its way back, and there I was, standing in the hallways of the school, oblivious to everyone else's pain.
I never got to see her, not until they came back with a white sheet over her body. They wouldn't let me see who it was, and my emotions got the better of me. The screams in my head told me it was Steven, or it was Alex. It was neither of them.
No, when I scared off the doctors and rushed to the side of the gurney, only distraught and life threatening guilt filled my chest. I covered my mouth to prevent the bile from surfacing and I stumbled back, falling onto the floor with tears drowning out my vision. I wanted to speak, and I wanted to scream. But the only sounds were my manic breathing and the doctors coming to my aid. I didn't ask for their help, I didn't want their help. Couldn't they see that? Couldn't they see that the animal who truly needed help, was the one laying on the gurney exposed?
All they could see was a lion with a bullet hole in her head.
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"Two days have passed since the untimely death of one of Clear Bayous favorite students. Emma Walker, a female Katanga lion who was recently found dead by another student who has asked to remain anonymous," the news reporter said. "Given the mental health crisis that has plagued the school since Alex Kingston was admitted to the hospital, carnivores have appeared to be rallying behind a snow leopard named Jordan Anderson. However, we've never-"
I shut off the tv, not wanting to listen to another word they had to say. It was all bullshit anyway, fake expressions and words filled with nothing. No pity, no sympathy. Nothing. After seeing Alex in the bathroom so long ago, I thought I would've been numb to the feelings, you know? Time moved on and on, never stopping for anyone. It only stopped when someone took their life, and I felt all the guilt for it.
Brittney held an assembly for Emma but I didn't go. I sat in my dorm room, crying my eyes out, wishing that it was me instead. Another animal tried to kill themselves at this hellish school, and they succeeded-she succeeded. The animal which I never would've considered a friend if certain events hadn't transpired, the animal that bullied me ever since middle school.
I felt all the guilt for it. Because I knew I could've stopped her, if she just had told me, if I had just recognized the signs. But there were no signs to begin with, because I was blind to everyone. I didn't pay attention to the silent suffering of other animals, I didn't take their pain and whisk it away. I did nothing. I sat in my musty audiovisual room and thought everyone was doing ok, relative to the situation. But nothing was ok . Everything was crumbling down; it started with Alex, and it wasn't going to end with Emma.
It was my fault that she killed herself, it was my fault that she didn't think she could tell anyone. Even in death, she was the same Emma everyone knew her to be. Hell, even the note she had in her pocket read, "kick that bitches ass for me, will you? XOXO."
I buried the emotions deep, never letting anybody see that the death got to me, when every time I took a step, every time I took a breath, my body was crumbling from the inside out. Head would pound with headaches when I thought about it for too long, and my stomach churned from the emotions clawing their way out. Knees would buckle at the slightest mention of Emma, and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for fear of just breaking down.
The dorm room was silent, only the buzzing of the fan and tv static could be heard. Brittney's assembly was not mandatory, but everyone attended. I didn't want to go because I knew it all to be worthless. She didn't care about Emma, hell, she was the one who caused her to give in to her feral instincts. She was the one that ruined her life for the worse. How could I forgive someone like that?
My heart clenched at the thought of Alex returning to a school even more divided than it was before he left. I was supposed to fix it all, I was supposed to change everything before he came back, so that his life would be better. But after everything, I didn't even know if he was going to come back.
There was a knock at the door, stirring me from my mental escape. Nathan's voice came through, sweet and light. I wanted him to leave and take his fake voice with him. But it was so alluring, so captivating. So I opened the door to let him in.
What came next was something I never expected to happen. I was so full of sadness, so full of hate, of everything. And it all came flooding out when he opened the door and smiled.
I threw my arms around him, crying into his light blue shirt which smelled like ordinary detergent, bland and boring. I heaved a couple of times, not wanting to let go, just wanting someone to hold onto after having nobody. He had seen me angry, he had seen me broken, so seeing me completely devastated didn't phase me at all. Had I known him twenty seconds, or twenty years?
"It's all my fault!" I yelled into his shoulder. "All of it!" More emotions came bubbling up to the surface, and I cried louder and harder. There weren't any tears left, just cries and breath being taken away.
Then I pushed away from him, fearing the worst. "Did you know?" He went silent, his eyebrows knitting together. "Did you know!" I pressed the matter forward.
"No, I...I didn't know." His eyes went low and he closed them, one single tear wetting the brown fur on his face.
I closed the door in his face, then I opened it. His expression didn't change, nothing about him changed. For once, he actually looked hurt. He said we weren't friends, but I had no fucking clue anymore.
"Stop making me feel like this!" I shouted in his face. "Stop pretending to be my friend when you don't care at all!"
"Jordan," he said, doing his best to keep his voice comforting. "You've been in your dorm room for two days. You can't stay in there forever. Please." He reached out with his hand, and me being me, so desperate for anything; I grabbed it. He pulled me into a tight hug, his body was warm, something I never expected him to feel like. I always thought he was cold, heartless. But with my head against his chest, I heard it, loud and fast.
Don't say goodbye.
The air was cold, the atmosphere was agonizing, but something about it felt like home with him. I looked up, teary eyed and emotionally destroyed, the pain in my heart becoming too much to bear. The eyes that looked back weren't eyes of a killer, they weren't full of hate or clouded with a thick fog. They were soft, deep brown like millions of trees without their leaves.
"Why did she do it?" I said, hanging my arms around him, body shaking, voice hoarse from the crying. My heart ached each time I thought about Emma, alone in whatever place she was in, holding the gun close to her head. Each time I wanted to throw up, each time I wanted to fall to the floor and die.
"I don't know," he finally said after seconds of silence. "To say she's in a better place...well, it would be completely true."
"Did-did she have any friends?" I asked, eyes brimming with tears. There was only so much my body could handle. Asking more questions only made things worse, it only enhanced the emotions that were already there. They yielded no answers, no rhyme or reason. I was stuck in my head, wanting the pain to go away. I wanted to get away from it all, pack my bags, steal the keys, and drive away in a getaway car.
I was riding in a getaway car.
I was crying in a getaway car.
I was dying in a getaway car.
Why was I allowing this hyena which brought so much turmoil into my mind, comfort me and tell me I was going to be ok? Was I ever going to be ok? That was the question that repeated in my mind, replaying and replaying like an earworm. I should've known there was more to the story than what Brittney or the officers were telling us, I should've known better than to accept the fact that she killed herself because of self hatred.
"Make it go away," I whispered in his arms. The pain was becoming too much. The aches, the swirls of torment, the memories, the frequent reminders, the constant hatred, the deaths, the emotions, everything. I wanted my body to shut down, to stop feeling anything. That was the one thing I envied about Nathan. He could shut off his emotions, never allowing anything to cloud his judgment.
"I wish I could," he said.
My body collapsed into his arms, into the hyena which I thought was a murderer, who I thought held secrets that I would never be able to uncover. But somehow, I felt comfortable enough to show him the worst side of me, the side only Alex was allowed to see.
The crying returned, loud and uncontrollable. Everybody was gone, they were at the assembly. It was just Nathan and I. Me, crying onto him, wishing with a silver of my heart that he was Alex instead; and him, taking it all in, standing tall like a skyscraper, unwavering from the emotions that hurdled like a hurricane towards him.
"Jordan, you need to sit down," he said, helping me to my feet and guiding me towards my bed. If there was one thing in the world that I never wanted to happen, it was him helping me, him pretending to care about me. But I couldn't stop him. I was desperate for anything, even if I did shut myself off from the rest of the world. He was there to come get me. That had to mean something, right?
"Do you need anything?" he asked with a head tilt as I tried to control my breathing, hiding my face in my hands.
"It's all my fault, isn't it?" I looked up at him, trying to find anything in that expressionless face of his. I knew he was trying to be comforting, but maybe he didn't know how to.
He sat down next to me. "No, no, no, no. None of this is your fault. You had nothing to do with what she did."
I stood quickly with shaking hands. "How can you say that! Of course it's my fault! I didn't-I didn't-" my voice cut off from another heartache, more tears and more crying. "If I just paid more attention!" I yelled. "If I just wasn't so blind to everything around me!"
"It's ok to be sad," he said. "It's ok to feel what you're feeling. But Jordan," he stood, holding my hand in his, "you aren't responsible for other animals' happiness. You can't blame yourself for every little small thing that you missed. We make mistakes, we're not perfect."
"Stop acting like you care about me!" I shouted, clenching my fists tight. "Stop pretending that you care!" There was so much anger, so much sadness in my body. There was no way to let it go, and it all came rushing out on the animal in front of me. "Stop making my brain run around in circles! I can't tell if you're serious or just faking everything! I'm scared Nathan! I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore." My eyes were sandy from the tears that dried, salty and itchy. The lull of sleep was powerful, but I shook it off. "Everything's-everything's crashing down...and he's not here…" I stared off into the distance, heart yearning for Alex.
"Then go," Nathan said, a smile on his face. "Go get Alex. Leave the school for a few days. Be happy."
"I can't be happy knowing what Emma did!"
"Damnit Jordan!" Nathan raised his voice, his eyebrows creased together. "None of this shit is your fault! You had nothing to do with it!"
"But I can't help but feel like I did have something to do with it!" I shouted back with equal anger.
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his muzzle which pushed up his glasses a little, exposing the true color of his eyes; finally revealed after being hidden by a well placed one way mirror. They were a beautiful auburn color, a mixture of deep red and light brown. They were wet, damp and moist. His breathing was shaky, brown ears pressed flat against his head.
When he spoke, my breathing stopped. Was it from fear, or something else? "I may have said I don't care about you, and I'm sorry if I ever, ever acted like you never mattered to me. Because you do, you...you matter a great deal." His voice cracked with emotion, and the hyena which I thought could feel no emotions, which I thought was empty and hollow, was crying. His eyes were brimming with tears as his mouth was slightly open. He wiped them on his sleeve but they kept coming, like a raging waterfall.
He tore the glasses off his face, tears staining his brown spotted fur, finally showing emotions. Or maybe it was just another trick, another fake representation how much he cared about me. "I know-I know you feel guilty. But... fuck . Something about you just...rips the emotions right out of my body." He sniffled. "I'm sorry, I can't help it. But I feel guilty too. I told myself so many times that I was going to change the school, that with you by my side, we could accomplish anything." He shook his head, running his claws through the fur on his head. "But I don't know anymore. Everything's so screwed up. Alex doesn't talk to anyone, Steven is just degrading, and Emma shot herself." He looked at me with pleading eyes, like I had all the answers. "What are we going to do?"
"How the hell should I know?!" I said, crying with a little bit of laughter. "The world is so fucked up. Does anyone even care that she's gone?" I said in a whisper, falling onto my bed with him next to me.
"I care."
I turned over to look at him, tears coming back into my eyes. "Did...did she have any friends?" I asked, fearing the answer, heart stopping, gut dropping.
His eyes fell to the floor. "I-I don't think she did. After what happened with Brittney...I think you were the only animal she," he swallowed hard, "thought about."
My eyes shot up to his. "Emma has a diary. It's somewhere around here," I said, getting up from the bed and turning the whole dorm room upside down. Flinging clothes around the room, pulling out drawers, rummaging through bags.
"What do you mean she has a diary?" Nathan asked, mindlessly looking through all the clothes on the floor.
"I mean she has a diary!" I turned to look at him. "Maybe there's more to this than what we're being told!"
"Jordan, I don't think-maybe we shouldn't."
I didn't care, I had to find Emma's journal. I had to know everything she was thinking, everything she never told me. She couldn't have just killed herself without a good reason-that just wasn't Emma. There had to be another reason, there just had to be!
One final look through the drawer, pushing through pencils and loose paper. There laid a red notebook. I knew it was wrong to look through her stuff, I knew that she would've killed me if she was still here. But I just had to look, I needed the closure. Nathan wasn't going to stop me, I wasn't going to let him.
"Jordan I really don't think we should be doing this," he said. He put his hand on my shoulder, but I shook it off.
"Since when did you care about doing the right thing?" I said, knowing the words stung him.
I smoothed my hands over the cover, the braids of the notebook clicking as it opened. Words written in neat, cursive handwriting. Some were in different colors, others were written with pencil. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just had to know if there was more to the story...if I really was the only animal she considered a friend.
I flipped through the pages, skimming over the words that held no importance, reading through the dates until I got to the one that was dotted in red ink, large bold letters. Some of the ink was blotchy, bleeding through the next paper.
"What does it say?" Nathan asked, coming closer.
Tears fell down onto the paper, wetting it. I handed him the notebook, and he read it out loud. "A friend to all, is a friend none. Chase two girls, lose the one.
"I know animals are going to read this. I mean, why wouldn't you? I killed myself and you're wondering what prompted it. Was it Brittney? Somewhat. Was it because you loved someone but they didn't like you back? Was it because you felt so guilty about the past and how you didn't know how to change it, so you decided ending it was the better option? Yes, the answer to that question is an absolute yes.
"This diary isn't going to detail my whole life, if that's what you're wondering. So past me is here to clear up the whole mess which I'm pretty sure I made. So, Jordan, if you're reading this; I'm sorry.
"There was no foul play, there was no murder. I did it all, it was all me. I shot myself and the world is honestly probably not better off without me.
"There was one thing that crushed my mind. After everything with Brittney, you Jordan, you stayed by my said. And yeah, we didn't spend a lot of time together, but you showed me kindness when I really didn't deserve it."
Nathan spoke, his voice hoarse. "There's-there's a footnote at the end."
I was silent after hearing what she had written. Short and simple. A quick apology, and an answer to all of our questions. Except one.
"Read it," I said, my lungs clenching up, heart pounding in my ears.
He steadied himself, taking in a deep breath, then letting it go. "This ain't for the best, my reputations' never be worse, so, she must like me for me.
"Sometimes, I wonder when you sleep. Are you ever dreaming of me? Sometimes when I look into your eyes, I pretend you're mine all the damn time. I love you Jordan."
Nathan looked up at me. My whole body was crumbling down again, just like it had done when I saw her on the stretcher, laid out perfectly still.
Why had she waited so long to tell me? Why had she decided killing herself was the only option?
I was holding my breath, eyes pooling with tears and throat thick with emotion. My fists were clenched, claws stabbing into my palms, a warm liquid dripping down onto the floor, as tears fell down my face. My stomach hurt, my head hurt. Millions of thoughts swarmed my head, wasps desperate for their prey, stinging it time and time again, only for it to fall to the ground, dead.
I snatched the notebook away from Nathan's hand, flipping through the pages and crying at every word, at every confession she never got to say. I don't know how my body still had tears left to cry, still had breath in my lungs.
The one thing that hurt me the most, that ruptured every artery, tore at every vein, at every muscle; was that I couldn't say it back. I didn't have it in my heart, in my body to say it back. Because I honestly didn't know who I loved anymore. Emma didn't deserve what happened to her, and I couldn't help but put all the blame, all the guilt on my shoulders. I carried it for so long, never even knowing it was weighing me down. The weight of the world, the weight of carnivores. All of it was breaking me down, and I was oblivious to everything around me.
Never again.
I wanted it to be over, but how was it supposed to end if I couldn't do anything about it? How was I supposed to fix the broken animals if I was blind to their pain-blind to everything. The only animal I had cared about was Alex. But I needed to care about other animals, I couldn't just focus on him. Lingering in the past would only make my life harder, it would only keep the pain in my body, when it so desperately wanted to be let out.
The air was cold and I woke up in my dorm room, lying on my bed, alone. Everything was silent, quiet and mourning the loss of Emma. Out of all the animals for her to love, she chose me, the snow leopard who was never by her side. So much guilt built up in my body, filling it like a bag of sand and tossing it into the water to drown.
"Why did you do it Emma?" I said, clutching the notebook close to my chest.
Nathan was gone, Alex was gone, Steven was gone. I had nobody else, I had nothing.
My phone rang. I stared at it, then picked it up, hoping the voice that spoke back Emma.
"Hey honey," Mom said through the static of the phone. "You've-you haven't answered any of my calls or texts." Her voice was strained, like she was holding something back. "How...how are you doing?" I didn't know how to respond.
How was I doing? Horrible, I felt like a piece of shit.
There was silence on the phone, and Mom tried to break it. "Do you want to come home?"
Those were the words that did it for me, that brought back the pain. My eyes watered and I covered my mouth, I didn't want her to hear me crying. "Yes," I whispered, fearing she would ask me to repeat it. "Please, take me h-home."
Animals stared at me in the hallways, their judgmental eyes scrutinizing me, shaking their heads in disappointment. I didn't pay attention though. Everywhere I looked, the halls, the bathrooms, the posters on the walls, the lions that walked by; they all looked like Emma. I would follow after some of them, only to realize it wasn't her at all, but a figment of my tortured mind.
Nathan was by my side though, his shifting gaze at everyone, a subtle slouch and a brisk pace. He was my guide through the rapids of the school, through the spikes and life threatening waters that tempted to drown me below. Let it happen, it wasn't like I wanted to be on that boat either; the boat which lost another member.
One step forward, two steps back.
Eventually we made it to the front office of the school. Some of the office ladies gave me sympathetic looks, others dismissed my presence all together.
Mom rose from her chair, keys in her hand. My legs were a slow walk, then a run as her arms outstretched. I held onto her, holding in the emotions, not wanting everyone to see it. I was being held together with tape and glue, being torn apart by the hands of whatever god animals worshipped these days.
She gave Nathan a weak smile, and I looked back, one last time. He smiled, soft and gentle. His hands were folded together, his chest rising and falling slowly. Tears left their stains on his fur, and I wondered how long I was asleep. How long did he stay with me until he decided he'd had enough? How long did he stay by my side, like I stayed with Emma?
The tape and glue was breaking, I needed to leave the school before everything fell apart. I could only keep it in for so long. Everybody had seen their precious Student Council president candidate crying on the ground of the hallway after Emma was revealed. Nobody really stopped to help me, they just stared at me while Emma was whisked away by the doctors. It wasn't like when Alex was found, when the paramedic stood with me and held me close when I thought everything was tearing at the seams. It was different, because this time, Emma had a past.
Nobody even knew who Alex was before his attempted suicide.
We never had a shotgun shot in the dark.
Mom put her hand on my shoulder and we walked out of the school, out of the place where an animal had killed herself, out of the prison that kept us locked up and caged; caged our hearts, caged our feelings. There was only one animal I wanted to see, two actually; Emma and Alex. Emma was lost to the ages, and Alex was only a drive away. But that drive seemed like hours.
A getaway car.
X marks the spot, where we fell apart.
Trees blurred past as Mom stepped on the gas, her gaze on the road and her knuckles tense over the steering wheel. When she spoke, it was as if she was holding something back. She never finished her phrases and stumbled over her words, finally ending it with silence and comforting head nods.
"Why do you think she did it?" I said out of the blue, picturing different shapes in the clouds above. One looked like a duck, the other, a wolf, then the other, a lion.
Mom sighed, closing her eyes for a second and glancing over to me. She held my shoulder, rubbing it with motherly warmth. "I don't know honey. Sometimes, these things happen."
"Why?" I said, my voice cracking. "I-I could've stopped her...if only I had known. If only I just-" I covered my face with my hands, breathing deeply and rapidly to prevent the emotions that threatened to burst out, to shatter the fragile glass bottle they were forced into.
Mom's eyebrows creased. "It's not your fault," she said. "You've gone through the worst times in your life at such an early age, but that only means that the rest of your life is going to get easier. Don't suffer Jordan, take the pain, because you've done it all. You've owned every second that this world could give, and with every broken bone, you'll live.
"Life is cruel, unfair, ungrateful, and spiteful. It will try to beat you down to the barest parts of you, and then continue to beat you down. But that doesn't mean you have to let it-that doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for others actions." A car horn blared, and Mom flipped off the driver passing by. She sighed, sitting more comfortable in her seat. "You aren't responsible for animals' emotions, you aren't responsible for their actions."
I kept my eyes closed, focusing on my breathing, and said, "if she just told me…"
"Sometimes knowing," Mom said, "only makes it harder."
I choked up, catching the breath in my throat. "But Mom, she-she said she loved me... me ."
Mom stiffened at the comment, the only thing she could say was, "I'm sorry," and I cried like a baby all the way home.
"Mom?" I asked as she put the car in park, sighing at the sight of our house. She turned her head towards me with a slight smile. "Take me to Alex's." She blinked, then put the car in reverse and drove out of the neighborhood, silent and calm.
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The front door, intimidating and inviting. The cracks in the green paint, flaking off into the cold air. The steps, a light shade of grey with pebbles, the Earth keeping us rooted to the ground. The leaves fell down like pieces into place.
I knew it was long gone, and the magic wasn't there anymore. And I might be ok, but I wasn't fine at all.
I raised my hand to knock, then put it down, glancing back towards Mom. Her subtle head nod made me cringe with a smile and I rang the doorbell instead, waiting for the emotions to burst out in front of the wolf who would answer the door.
Grey and white fur, dark grey eyes and a blue polo shirt hit me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night. His lips parted to speak but I silenced him, hugging him tightly and holding back the emotions which clawed at my throat.
His clothes were soft, his breathing slow. Everything in my body willed itself out, and it found its way through the mechanisms that kept them closed. Locks clicked, fingers trembled, and January air blew through the warmness of his body against mine.
He held me tighter and said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most."
My grip tightened around his clothes, my breathing rapid and unstable.
Then the dam broke.
Pent up emotions burst through the dam, flooding the city below. The castle walls were crumbling down, being sieged from the guilt inside my body. It felt like the world itself was crashing down, all of the animals living in their perfect houses, living their perfect lives, completely unaware of the poison that affects so many minds. Mine and his being one of them.
My sobs were loud as he held onto me, his arms wrapping around my body, his breathing calm and collected. I was shaking, legs shaking, hands trembling. My eyes opened and closed with each raspy, gasping breath. And with each sob, with each cry, he stayed silent, allowing me to release all of the emotions.
His shirt was wet, my eyes were tired from the crying. My head was foggy, dizzying at the onslaught of tears that continued their battle, waging forward and marching into unknown territory.
Disgusting, horrible sobs. Those were the only things I was feeling. Body was attacking itself, bringing me back to the moment I saw Emma on the gurney, which only made me cry harder into his shirt.
"I'm so sorry," he said again.
I pushed away from him, anger rising from my trembling throat. "Where were you!? When I needed you the most, when MY world came crashing down," I gulped down the emotions, but they sprang back up, "where were you!" I cried louder into my hands, he tried to comfort me, but I pushed him away. Why was I pushing him away? I wanted to come to his house to see him, so he could fix me like I fixed him. But I never fixed him, he wasn't going to be fixed, and life was only going to get worse from here.
"Are you sorry?!" I pointed a finger at him. "You're here at your house because of one incident, meanwhile, I'm stuck at school while one of my friends killed herself!"
My breath caught in my throat, mouth slightly open from the fact that I just called Emma my friend. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I just wanted to die. I wanted to curl up in a little ball and die.
'You can't just-you can't just leave us like that!" I shouted at him. "Do you even care about how Steven feels? Do you even care about what's going on!?"
"Of course I care!" he said quickly, stepping forward while I stepped back.
"Do you?! Or are you just saying that-"
"What do you want me to say!" He threw his hands in the air, trying to hold back his anger.
"That you love me! That you picked me!"
His eyes went soft, and I covered my mouth, understanding the hatefulness of my words.
"Jordan." He spoke quietly, grabbing my hand. He wiped a tear from my eye, and I looked up at him, wishing I was just dead. "It's not the end of the world. You're still here, I'm still here. The feelings you're feeling…well, that's normal. I know you and Emma weren't the closest of animals-and I know it hurts...a lot. But trust me when I say this; I do love you, I'll always love you."
I buried my face into the fur on his neck. "I'm sorry," I said, with tears still flowing out of my mouth. "I-I didn't mean it."
He hugged me back. "I know you didn't."
"She told me she loved me, you know?" I said, staring at the ceiling on his bed. He was laying on the floor, his eyes fluttered up to mine. "Yeah...I didn't know because...she never actually told me. It was in her diary."
"She had a diary?" he asked, his low voice soothing my ears, like a gentle lullaby.
"Yeah," I said, tiredness creeping into my voice. "I read it cause I thought-cause I thought there was another reason…" my voice trailed off and Alex nodded in response. "Turns out...there wasn't. She killed herself because she felt useless to the world, because she felt like nobody cared-or will ever care about her again." I rubbed my head. "God, if only I wasn't so focused on everything else, if only I paid more attention!" My teeth gritted together, holding back the waves of tears that wanted to resurface.
"You…" he sighed, "you aren't responsible for other animals' happiness, for their emotions and actions. Don't put all the blame on yourself."
I chuckled. "Funny, Nathan said the same thing."
"Cause it's true," he replied back. "I know Nathan doesn't seem like the most sensitive animal, but I'm sure deep down somewhere in that placid body of his, he does feel something."
I smiled, thinking back to how Nathan stayed with me, argued with me, read the notebook with me, cried with me, and guided me through the halls. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all, maybe I was just looking at him through the wrongest lens possible.
The final rays of sunshine bled through the window, darkness filled the sky with stars dancing around.
"Did it hurt?" I asked. Alex looked up at me, confused. "The-the cop...did it hurt?"
He sighed, a slanted smile on his face. "Yeah, but not too bad. They only broke my nose."
I cursed underneath my breath, the guilty feeling rising back up in my guilt.
"Jordan," Alex said. "It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to feel guilty and feel sad. But it only becomes a problem when you let that guilt consume you."
"I know," I said. "I just miss Emma. Even now, I wish she was still here. She may have not been the best animal. But to think that she's gone? All the times we spent, all the arguments and fights we had? It just seems so...pointless." I sighed again, checking my phone from Mom's notifications, then turning it off. She knew that I was safe with Alex, but still, I'm sure she felt a little bit worried that her daughter was at a boys house having a mental breakdown.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I never wanted you to feel like your problems didn't matter as much as mine."
He smiled. "You just lost a friend, someone you care about. I bet you feel like shit."
I chuckled, remembering Emma vividly in my head. Her smile, her glasses she wore when she did her homework, and the group picture we took together. I pulled out my phone, frantically searching through the photos. And there it was. It stared back at me. Emma smiling, me laughing, Carly and Stephanie doing some weird pose. It only made me miss her more, and tears came back. I let them flow down my face, clutching the phone close to my chest and falling back into the bed.
"I miss her, so much." I closed my eyes, allowing the emotions to fill me up, not wanting to bottle them anymore. I began to cry softly. Alex sat down next to me, his weight slanting the bed. He grabbed my hand, holding it gently, yet tightly at the same time. He held it with so much care, so much emotion, it only made me want to cry on him again; to smell him, to feel him.
"I'm never going to look at the dorm room again. I'm only going to see her face everywhere I go, it's going to haunt me because I wasn't there to stop her," I said, crying softly to myself.
"Do you still see me in the bathroom?" he asked.
I fluttered my eyes open to look at him. "No, not anymore…"
"Then you're going to get through this, just like you persevered through mine."
"Do you love Steven?" I blurted out, thinking of him in the back of my mind, crying and secluding himself.
Alex swallowed hard and looked down. "I think it's too late for that," he said grimly. "I haven't talked to him...and I'm sure it's killing him."
I grabbed his arm and said, "it is. You need to talk to him."
He sighed and closed his eyes. He opened them back up. "I guess I do. My phone broke and I don't have anyone's number…" his voice trailed off, giving me the indication that he was lying. It was hard to tell though. Other than Nathan, Alex was the only animal I couldn't tell if he was lying or not. He hid it so well underneath those grey eyes of his.
I sat up, feeling up the fur on his ears. If he was a feline, he would've done something akin to purring, but instead, his tail wagged happily back and forth. "You're lying, but it's ok. I'm sure you have a good reason."
He looked away, my hand falling to my side and placed neatly in my lap, waiting for his response. "I wanted to...not bother you guys with it," he said. "I knew you guys had your own stuff going on, and why would you care about what happened to me? It happens all the time, right?"
"Alex," I said breathlessly. "You were on the news, do you not remember any of that?"
"I do," he said, his voice rising a little bit. "But maybe, I just wanted to forget. I didn't want to be this wolf who told the higher ups at the police station, only for them to dismiss my case entirely. Whatever," he sighed, "it's over and done with."
"Ok," I said, not wanting to push the matter on. "But...you should call Steven, or at least do something with him. He thinks you don't love him anymore, which I know is completely false. You love that dog with all your heart." I held his cheek in my hand and he leaned into his, his eyes closed and breathing slow.
"I do," he said.
"Then," I whispered, close to his face, our noses touching, "tell him."
"But what if it's too late?"
I smiled. "It's never too late."