Recursion Error
Episode 62- Home was never in the cards
"Nicole, please calm down."
The situation was awful enough. Between Sorun and everything happening with him, Sally was already reaching her limit, and a headache continually threatened to form. Sitting in the hospital's lobby and watching Nicole pace around back and forth, wringing her hands together like a nervous wreck, though, was proving too much even for her.
On the other hand, she wasn't doing all that better herself. It was probably experience alone that was keeping her from going into a similar state out of worry for both of her friends: Sorun, and Nicole, who looked more scared than Sally had ever seen in her life. Seconded only when she saw Nicole's reaction to Sorun's mutilated body back when Knothole had been lost.
"I am calm," was Nicole's quickly-delivered response to Sally. Seeing as she was still pacing, she didn't believe it for a second.
Blowing past her lips, Sally slumped forwards while cradling her head in one of her hands. "Nicole, Dr. Quack's treated people with radiation poisoning before, remember? We had that whole incident with that group of Overlanders way back when, the group Hope was with, and they turned out fine after he treated them."
"I'm not worried about the radiation poisoning!" Nicole snapped, though unlike before Sally didn't react in the slightest to the small outburst. "He's catatonic! He's not responding to the doctors or anybody else! He... he just keeps staring at the wall!"
"He's in shock, Nicole. He just found out his home suffered a nuclear apocalypse." Making a small sigh, Sally turned her eyes up at Nicole. She'd hoped a logical explanation would go far in calming the AI down, but all that did was make her begin to pace around even faster. She sighed again. "Are we sure that's what happened?"
Nicole stopped pacing, though she still had her hands clasped together in front of her. She made an anguished face, like looking back at the mere memory was painful for her. Sally couldn't find herself blaming her. She'd seen that look Sorun had on his face. That shocked stupor mixed with terror, the way his skin had gone so pale. It hurt her just remembering that look he had before he passed out from sheer shock alone.
"There's really only one conclusion we can come to, Sally," Nicole quietly stated, eyes downcast towards the ground. "His zone was full of buildings in ruins. That in conjunction with the lethal levels of radiation that leaked through the portal leaves very few conclusions. And I would think Sorun's reaction alone says more than enough."
"... I guess so." Sighing for a third time in the last few minutes, and for probably the hundredth time in the last hour, Sally turned her gaze back to the ground. Nuclear annihilation. She knew firsthand how dangerous weapons of the sort could be, even the science behind them. She didn't know the circumstances behind their presence on Sorun's world, though. He never talked about that aspect of him home. Until he told them those specifics, all they could do was speculate.
And right now he couldn't even speak, let alone give them an in-depth history lesson of how extensive his world's use of nuclear technology was.
Admittedly she really was as worried as Nicole was over Sorun, more for his mental state than anything else. Going back home was all he would talk about when he'd been brought back to life. Even during his time as a Freedom Fighter at least a half of Sally's memories of the human was him talking about something or someone from back home. Usually his friends. Or his mother. Who were all more than likely gone now. A fact she was sure Sorun was acutely aware of. With all of this she didn't know how he would cope with it, or if there was even some conceivable way of coping with it.
Losing a home and fighting to reclaim it and its people once again like she and everyone else did was one thing. She didn't know how to deal with permanently losing a home like that...
A high-pitched zooming sound caught Sally's attention, making her look up. Her vision was immediately filled with blue when she saw Sonic standing right in front of her. He looked alarmed and confused, and kept looking back and forth between Sally and Nicole, like he was looking for answers simply from their expressions. His own face began to turn grim when he saw the sad looks they both were giving him.
"H-hey, guys, I... Tails told me..." The hedgehog shook his head and looked to Sally for answers. "What's goin' on with Sorun?"
"... His home's gone, Sonic," Sally said in an empty tone, not at all sure how she could possibly gently break the news to him. Sonic's face fell as a result. "From what we can tell a nuclear weapon was used on the city he lived in. We don't really know what the implications of this means, and Sorun isn't..." She stopped herself and shook her head, not wanting to worry Sonic even further. "He's not really in a condition to be speaking right now."
"Oh... oh, no..." His ears completely flattening against his head, Sonic held his hand to his forehead while looking down at his shoes. "I... that's terrible. What's gonna happen with Sorun?" He looked back up at Sally. "C-couldn't we just send him somewhere-?"
"That would require us to gather the seven Chaos Emeralds once again," Nicole interrupted, voice quiet and full of worry. "Even if we did, we have no way of deciphering the universal coordinates. Editing even a single digit could prove disastrous. It could send Sorun to the center of his world, or somewhere in space, or a different zone entirely, and even if it did just send him somewhere else on his planet we don't know what the state of the rest of his world is." She shook her head as she looked to Sonic. "It's... simply not feasible to send him back..."
"He's... going to have to stay here with us," Sally added in tone equally as sad as Nicole's. "Permanently. It's too risky to try and send him back, Sonic. Dr. Quack is treating him right now for radiation poisoning."
Sonic's face fell even further as grief overtook him. His arms seemed to go slack by his sides, and some small sound came out of his mouth as he tried to speak. "What happened with all his folks?" he finally got out.
Sally and Nicole glanced at each other. Nicole then shook her head, making Sally breath out slowly as she turned back to Sonic. "They're probably gone, Sonic," she said. She stood up out of her seat after seeing the sad, horrified look overtake Sonic's features, and then walked close enough so she could place a hand on his shoulder. "It's terrible, I know," she said, "but there's not really all that much we can do right now for him."
"Yeah... I know," Sonic replied. "Should I go see him?"
Sally quickly shook her head, surprising Sonic somewhat. "Sonic, I really don't think that would be a good idea. It's too soon," she stated. "Later, for sure. Definitely. But not right now. If, um... if you could check on Tails for us that'd be great, though. He was kind of shaken by what happened."
"Alright. I can do that." Nodding in understanding, Sonic took a few steps back while Sally had removed her hand from his shoulder. "Sorun's gonna be okay, right?" he asked her.
"I really hope so, Sonic." The unsure tone in Sally's voice did nothing to assuage the visible worry on both Sonic's and Nicole's faces. "But honestly? I'm not too sure. And it's scaring me..."
So apparently he'd gotten radiation poisoning.
Made sense in hindsight. What else was one to expect when they walked into a radiation zone? Oh, but apparently Mobian technology was perfect for curing that. Sorun didn't know what that stuff Dr. Quack injected with him was. Wasn't iodide or anything like that. Some substance made from the wacky scientific rules this world operated under that cleared Sorun's body right up from any harmful radiation. According to the duck doctor he'd be completely fine.
How fucking fortunate.
"..." He was sitting in a chair outside the examination room, inside a waiting room that was adjacent to it. The empty chairs around him and the small collection of toys in the corner meant to entertain waiting children may as well have not existed for him with how he was right now. Leaning forwards with his hands clasped together in front of him, head bowed down so low that his hair was obscuring his eyes.
He could barely think. Every time he tried thinking forwards, making new thoughts so he could try and sort through it all he just kept going back. Back to the moment he stepped through that portal and saw the apocalyptic state his city was in. That and all the implications behind it. It kept running in a loop inside of his mind and he couldn't stop thinking about it no matter how hard he tried. It was fading, slowly, agonizingly so, but he was getting back hold of his mind one piece at a time.
So, in the face of his fractured mind that he was slowly managing to piece back together, he tried working in those memories. Trying to piece together what he saw, what it meant, how he could begin to understand it. He didn't like any of the conclusions he came to. Conclusions he was able to come to after only having seen that landscape for just a few seconds. But they'd been enough. He only needed once glance at those buildings and a dose of harmful radiation to understand the how of what happened, and just what exactly that meant.
He just couldn't understand the why of it.
Eventually Sorun had gained enough of his semblance back that he finally noticed somebody was standing near him. He managed to muster enough focus together to peer past the locks of hair covering his eyes and saw that it was Sally standing right there. He didn't know when she showed up, or how long she'd been standing there looking at him. Just that he finally managed to notice her. Her and that incredibly sorrowful, worried look.
"... It doesn't make sense."
Sorun's voice had come out as quiet and slightly cracked. It was still enough to startle Sally, who'd been standing there and staring at Sorun for some indeterminate time Sorun couldn't figure out. She regained her composure in the same breath Sorun's words had surprised her, after which the chipmunk cleared her throat and spoke out to Sorun.
"What doesn't make sense, Sorun?"
"What I saw. That. It doesn't make sense."
Sally's shoulders slackened. "I know it doesn't, but-"
"No. You really don't." Sorun shook his head a slight amount. "I can't believe somebody would actually use a nuclear weapon on a city. I just can't. There's no way."
"I... Sorun, you know I'm not familiar with how your world worked," Sally said. "Why is it so unbelievable?"
"It's not like every single person and their mother had a nuclear missile sitting in their basement," Sorun muttered out. "Officially there were only five countries with the things, and between all of them they had enough weapons to erase all life on the planet. Multiple times over."
The room went completely silent following the explanation. Sally had completely stilled, looking down at Sorun with wide, slightly-shaking eyes. He'd heard a small gasp to the side, and when he glanced in the direction of the sound, past the black hair covering his eyes, he saw Nicole off to the side looking at Sorun. Eyes equally as wide and horrified as Sally's with her hand covering her mouth. He didn't know if she just showed up or if she'd been there the entire time without him noticing until now.
Finally finding the will to speak, Sally asked, "Why would... Sorun, why would your people... just why?"
He wasn't surprised the concept would shock and confuse Sally so much. It'd probably have that effect on any Mobian. This kind of concept was a thing he doubted anyone in this entire republic would ever conceive. "It was for the sake of mutually-assured destruction. The idea was if one country used their nuclear weapons against another, it was a free pass for the country being attacked to use their nukes against the one firing on them. Since countries with nukes had so many, it'd basically mean the end of those countries. But with that many nukes in play, that many nuclear detonations of that size would create a nuclear winter that would end the entire world." He finally looked up at Sally, his black hair falling away from his eyes as he gazed at the chipmunk's face. "Do you get what I'm saying? Using a nuke was tantamount to suicide. That's why I can't believe anybody would use one against my home. Because my home country had the second-largest stockpile of nuclear weapons in the whole world."
"B-but... that doesn't..." She'd had to hold a hand to her head and shake it just to get the thoughts through. She almost looked like she was in denial with what Sorun was saying. "Sorun, that sounds like insanity," Sally said to him. The outright disturbed look she had on her face said enough about her disapproval with the idea. "How could anybody think making enough weapons to end all life on the planet is a good thing?"
"I'd say it worked pretty well seeing as it stopped the world wars that kept happening." She didn't calm down in the slightest by Sorun's statement. If anything, Sally looked even more disturbed by what he said. But she remained silent when Sorun continued. "But I'm telling you, Sally. Nobody could actually be stupid enough to use nuclear weapons. Not the Americans, Not the Russians, not the Chinese, not France or the United Kingdom, nobody. There's no way another world war broke out while I was gone. Not in just a few months. Not even half a year. Relations between all those countries were better than they'd ever been Sally, they... I just don't see it happening."
It made no logical sense. No moral sense. It didn't make any kind of sense. The whole idea of mutually-assured destruction was that nobody would use nukes since it would lead to the end of the world. There was absolutely no reason to make such a decision, regardless of country, regardless of beliefs, regardless of anything. No government would possibly be so spiteful towards another, not in his day and age, that they'd resort to the very last resort never even meant to be used. None of them. Not under the threat of everyone dying.
He had too much faith in humanity to believe anybody would be stupid enough to end the entire world for any reason. Because as far as he was concerned one country using a nuke against another meant all the nukes being used. So if somebody had nuked Detroit, then that was that. Game over for the world. And it had to have been a nuke; reactors melting down by accident couldn't cause the destruction Sorun had seen in those few seconds. With the radiation, it had to have been a nuclear weapon. Had to be. But it couldn't have been a weapon, because nobody would ever dare use one against another. But there was not other explanation he could see.
None of it made sense to him.
"Sorun... I understand what you're saying, but you have to look at the reality of what happened," Sally softly said to him. "Your home is gone because of a nuclear weapon. If what you're saying is true-"
"Maybe it was an accident." Sorun had leaned forwards, staring at the ground in no particular directions. His hands were still clasped in front of him. "There were tons of stories of nukes almost being used because of stupid accidents. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe it was a nuclear meteor that hit the planet or something. I don't know..."
Sighing deeply, Sorun's hands finally unclasped and limply hung by his side. He leaned back in his seat, his unfocused eyes traveling up towards the ceiling. He just couldn't make sense of any of it. There weren't any signs of war by the time he'd left Earth. Even if there were, nothing could escalate that drastically. But an accident seemed unlikely, with how much security they had around those weapons following previous near accidental launches in the past. A random nuclear meteor hitting the planet in the short window he was gone seemed even more unlikely. No matter how much Sorun thought he couldn't figure out what could have possibly happened.
Why did his home have to be dead? Why couldn't he figure out what had happened? What could have possibly even happened? He didn't know a single answer to any of these questions. Not a single thing made sense.
"... There's no way to send me back to any other part of my world, is there, Sally?" He could have been staring up at that whole ceiling for minutes before speaking out again and Sorun wouldn't have known it. He couldn't find it in himself to keep track of the time. "No way I can go back and... maybe figure out what happened?"
Much to his expectation, Sally said, "We'd have to gather all the Emeralds again. Even if we did, we can't send you anywhere else in the world but your home, which... which is contaminated with enough radiation to kill you, Sorun. Even if we could send you somewhere, if what you said is true then the rest of your world..." She trailed off, letting Sorun finished the thought.
"... Gone. I know." So no. He couldn't go back. Go back and try to piece together what happened to the world. If everybody on Earth really was dead, which, from just that single glimpse Sorun had caught, made it seem likely. He couldn't do any of that. Not if they were only able to send him to that one specific spot in the destroyed grocery store in the middle of a poisoned city. "There's no going home..."
Somehow that news hurt almost as much as seeing his destroyed home. The knowledge he couldn't even go back to figure out what happened. That he really was stuck here on Mobius forever. Again.
Again, again, again...
"Over and over, like I've done this millions of times..." His breathing began to become shallow and quiet. His head had dropped so it was centered towards Sally, though his eyes weren't focused on her nor Nicole. Nor anything else in particular.
"I had so much hope, you know?" Sorun began, his voice no more than a mumble. "When I first got here, all those months ago, the only thing keeping me going was the hope I'd be able to go back home one day. After I came into contact with the first Emerald, I began losing it. I was chasing after a vague hope that maybe I could find a way to remove it so I could use it to go back and not die, or find some alternate way back home, but deep inside I knew there was no way. But I kept hoping and searching for one, because I didn't want to give up on it. I didn't want to die.
"Eventually, though, I realized it was a foolish, idiotic thing I was doing. So I gave up, right after I ran. I wasn't going home. I was going to die. I ran out of hope and had to live with that every single day, over and over, that I was going to die. Over and over and over. Every time I woke up. Every day I lived through. Every time I went on a mission to go kill robots for you."
Both Sally and Nicole glanced towards one another, each holding worried looks of their own over the human sitting in the chair, vacantly staring off in a random direction.
"And then I died, and I came back, and I really thought this time I could go home for real now. All that hope was back, so much bigger and brighter than before, because everything was going so great and it seemed like such a sure thing. But then it happened again. Something happened, and now I can't go home again. My hope keeps getting torn away from me."
He began to lean forwards in his chair, looking down at his hands. Pale hands that just hung there, limply, like they weren't even alive. As far as Sorun was concerned he himself didn't feel like he was alive.
"I don't know what to do," Sorun said. "Getting home. That's all I wanted. But I can't get that anymore. And even then, back home, I had no aspirations. No goals. No direction I wanted my life to go in." Sorun lifted his hands up to grab at his head, letting his dark hair spill through between his fingers. "I don't have my powers anymore. I can't fight. I don't want to fight. I don't want to be a Freedom Fighter. It's too much. I can't, I... I don't... what am I supposed to do...?"
Neither Sally nor Nicole had an answer for him. All they could do was watch Sorun sit there completely silently, that pitiful and blank look on his face. Eventually Nicole was able to make a move, and materialized right besides Sorun. She knelt down right besides him and laid a hand on his shoulder, though Sorun didn't even react to the touch. This just saddened Nicole more, who then looked up at Sally.
"I... I'll take him," she told Sally. "I think maybe you should go home and get some sleep, Sally. It's been a strenuous enough day for all of us."
Wordlessly, Sally nodded at Nicole in agreement, eyes still locked on Sorun. Despite this, she wouldn't budge from her spot. She could only keep looking at Sorun with an anguished expression.
"Come on, Sorun. Come on." Nicole had grabbed hold of Sorun's wrist with one hand and his shoulder with the other, and then helped the teen up to his feet. He was putting so little energy into standing up that she practically had to hold him up for him. "I'm going to take you somewhere, okay?"
Slowly, Sorun blinked and looked to the side just far enough to see Nicole. "Where are we going?" he mumbled to her in question.
"Just please come with me." Nicole briefly took her hands off from Sorun just to ensure he'd continue standing on his own. When he proved to be able to do so, she softly wrapped her arms around one of his own and began to walk away towards the waiting room's exit, using Sorun's own arm to guide him besides her. "I promise it isn't too far, Sorun. Just to the residential district."
Sorun, his arm being held by Nicole, agreed and followed her. His movements were more akin to a zombie's than an actual human's, but Nicole had noticed this and walked at an incredibly slow pace for Sorun's sake. They'd reached the exit to the room and left outside of it, leaving Sally alone in the room staring off after them. She'd spent whole minutes staring off at the door before sighing for a final time, and then ran a hand over her face as she herself made her way to the doorway.
When they left the hospital, it was nighttime. It was slowly coming back to him, but between now and after the portal this afternoon Sorun's concept of time was entirely shot. So without asking he had no indication for how long he'd been in that hospital. Just that it'd apparently been quite a few hours if the sun was already gone.
Nicole was leading him somewhere. He didn't know where. She probably would tell him if he asked, but he just didn't feel like pressing her on the location they were going to. He was pretty sure the only reason he was walking was because Nicole was leading him by the arm. Sorun knew he should have been thankful for that, for her being there for him, for doing whatever this was for him, and he wanted to be thankful and express that to her, but he just couldn't feel it.
He couldn't feel anything. His mind still felt stuck on the prior events. His own thoughts were still sluggish in that regard, as everything he'd said to Nicole and Sally in the hospital was already blurring in Sorun's memory.
The homes scattered around the residential district were recognized in Sorun's vision, but he couldn't tell where in the district they were. Just that Nicole had lead him somewhere in there. He couldn't even recognize whose homes they were. To him, they were just blurry shapes.
"Sorun? We're here."
Nicole's voice was the only sound that could reach Sorun's ears that didn't sound muffled. Everything else, even his own voice, was hard for him to hear. Not her, for some reason. It was why he was able to understand her words and look up at what she'd lead them to.
It was a house. A small, one-floor house that looked like a cross between a house and a hut. Same off-white walls the rest of the houses had, same brown roof. Nearly identical to the rest of the homes around, really. But he couldn't understand why Nicole was paying so much attention to this house.
"Wha...?" Sorun's vocal confusion caused Nicole to look back at him. She was still holding his arm. "I-I don't understand..."
"It's yours," Nicole explained in a simple, quiet tone. "This house belongs to you."
He didn't have the energy to look surprised. Just confused. "... You made me a house?"
The lynx nodded. "I wanted to give you a home of your own. It was meant to be a surprise I'd wished to give you after that mission where you..." She trailed off, stopping herself and looking like she didn't want to finish the sentence. "I just wanted to give you something," she tried again, tone slightly quicker. "It's yours. You can live in it."
"Oh." He looked back at the house, expression blank aside from tiredness. "Is this what you wanted to talk to me about on the roof? And at the park?"
Nicole didn't answer him immediately. He felt her two-armed grip around his own arm tighten slightly, and that conflicted look returned to her face. But then she shook her head and turned away from Sorun towards the house. "That isn't important right now." She began walking again, leading Sorun behind her. "Come on. I'll show you what it looks like inside."
So they'd approached the home. There was a small cobblestone path leading from the sidewalk across an incredibly small lawn, all artificial and composed of nanites, to the front door of the house. Nicole had turned the door's knob and lead Sorun inside, who didn't even bother closing it behind them. She lead them right to the living room of the house, which was just outside of the house's main entrance.
The house was... relatively spartan, Sorun had observed. A living room, a kitchen, a hallway that lead off to other rooms. There were basics amenities: a fridge and an oven in the kitchen, a table and some chairs, some cabinets. The living room had a TV and a couch. Even a game console and some controllers plugged into the TV, the set from the HQ, Sorun had recognized. But that was it. The house was empty of everything else otherwise. No other furniture, no decorations on the wall. Just that same off-white color everywhere.
"It's empty," Sorun quietly noted.
Nicole faltered a bit, and then looked towards Sorun. "I-I didn't know your preferences or what types of furnishings you'd want," she quickly explained, voice uncomfortable, like she was fearful of Sorun's disapproval. "If you would only tell me what you desire for your home I can easily-"
"It's fine."
Sorun's barely-audible voice cut the AI off, causing her expression to shift. Her ears slowly began to fold against her head, and she'd tightened her grip on Sorun's arm in an effort of bringing him closer to her.
"It's not okay, Sorun. It's too empty," she mumbled to him. "I'll make anything for you. Anything. Please just tell me what you want."
She kept holding Sorun's body close to her, and her voice almost sounding pleading to Sorun's ears. He couldn't understand why. Why she was talking like that, or why she had that look on her face. So sad and worried, and for some reason him being upset at that look she had was the one emotion that was breaking through what felt like a blanket of heavy fog smothering the rest of his emotions. He couldn't figure out why. Or what he could do to make her feel better. He couldn't even find it in himself to try. It just went to make him feel more upset.
"... The house is fine the way it is," Sorun said to her at last. "Thank you anyways, Nicole. For offering. And for the house." His eyes took a quick half-glance around. "It's a nice house."
She didn't look satisfied with his answer, not nearly so from the way her large, triangular ears remained folded against her head, but Nicole at least seemed accepting of it from the nod she gave Sorun. "You are going to be okay here, correct?"
"..." Sorun's head turned around to look back into the empty house. "Everyone I knew back on Earth are gone, aren't they, Nicole?" He turned back to her. "What do I do with that?"
She didn't have an answer for him.
For Nicole, emotions, at least ever since she gained the ability to formulate her own feelings, were simple and at the same time incredibly complex. It was a paradox that realistically shouldn't have existed, but when it came to emotions, it just did. And everybody acted like that paradox was normal. Like it was a standard part of living. It was just something to expect.
So she'd went along with it in the beginning, asking some questions here and there but otherwise going out to discover things for herself. It was easier back then, during those experimental trials. Things that made her happy made her happy. Seeing her friends happy made her happy, helping others and doing things that pleased her friends made her happy, doing things Nicole herself enjoyed made her happy. Then there were the bad emotions. Her friends putting themselves in danger for the sake of being Freedom Fighters made her mildly concerned, though the confidence she inherently had that assured her they'd be fine like always worked to mitigate this particular emotion. Frustration from the days she'd been confined to that handheld body, or when she'd been making preparations and creating lines of code for the nanite city, only for things to not run right in simulations she'd create because of a single pesky line of code being improperly written ruining the entire system.
Coding the nanites were finicky like that. She'd refined it to a fine art in record time, to a point her mastery over them was practically reflexive for the AI, but even she'd admit she'd had a time of getting to that point. She imagined if she actually had an organic body it would have caused her the headaches she often heard others complaining about. If it was anything like what she felt when that drone she sent to Angel Island was destroyed, the one during that Enerjak incident, she didn't envy them constantly experiencing those.
There were other feelings, of course. Good and bad. Anger at seeing a friend hurt, joy whenever someone would talk to her just to have a pleasant conversation, excitement at unveiling a surprise. Like the city she'd made, for example. Or... the house she'd made for Sorun...
The house that'd been part of a surprise she'd painstakingly been preparing for Sorun. A surprise she was preparing because she'd wanted to see what look his face would make at such a surprise. She couldn't blame him for how things turned out, of course, but she wouldn't deny some part of her felt disappointed in how it had gone. That along with everything else.
That was part of the issue, really. Feelings used to be just that for Nicole. Good and bad. Binary descriptors used to identify feelings appropriately felt at different circumstances. That was easily understandable. She'd picked up on the concept almost immediately when she'd developed her own emotions with little difficulty. Her incredibly high intelligence only made it easier. She had no trouble understanding them.
But Sorun made things difficult for Nicole in terms of understanding emotions.
In many ways he made her more happy than anything else. Playing games with her, doing things with her, merely speaking with her, everything he did with her made her happier than anything else she could think of. She couldn't figure out herself why it was like this, just that it was, but it was something she enjoyed so much that she was tempted to just not delve into the reason behind it. But for her, something like that was next to impossible, so she looked deeper into the relationship they shared all the time. Sometimes things would become clearer for Nicole, other times more murky, but not matter what she never got a definitive answer on what she was feeling towards him.
Because sometimes things like this would happen. Something would happen to Sorun, and she'd feel more dreadful on the inside than she thought possible. Not just for Sorun, but for herself. When he'd died, she'd felt like she had lost some piece of herself Nicole could never reclaim. She remembered being inconsolable for those days he was gone, and when he came back, just like that, she'd been so elated. Sorun was back, the bad feelings associated with him and herself were gone, and she was glad because she didn't want to feel bad whenever she thought about Sorun. He was back, and things could go back to normal. She could surprise him with the house, maybe even finally get around to asking that question.
That question. The one she kept going back to over and over. She suspected she knew what these peculiar feelings she felt towards Sorun were. It was an odd sensation. Both exciting and... terrifying, somewhat. Having those special feelings, wondering if he felt the same. She kept wanting to ask him about them, and if, in fact, he did feel the same, if they could... do something with that. She desired so much to say it right there when she found him in the park, especially after the opportunity escaped her on that roof. Like she needed to ask him as soon as possible before something else happened.
Except, something did happen. Sorun had told her he wanted to go home, back to his own zone, and once again she found herself feeling negative whenever she thought of Sorun once again. Not like when she'd been so dreadful when he'd died. Not when she was left questioning herself that one time why he kept avoiding Nicole during that one period, wondering what happened between them and if she'd done something or if it was because of what she was only to later learn it was Sorun's attempt at trying to spare her feelings. Learning he wanted to go home made her feel, strangely enough, bitter. She understood why he wanted to go, even completely agreed with him, but Nicole still couldn't help but feel bitter about the whole affair. He was leaving, again. And she had to watch him go, again. And deal with him begin gone, again.
She'd tried to accept it. Be happy for him going home, tell herself that it was for the best, that he didn't belong here and he needed to be back with those closest to him. But at the same time Nicole didn't want him to go. There'd been a period of time where she'd debated with herself if she should try asking Sorun to stay, but she'd given this idea up. She knew he would say no, and she didn't want to ruin their friendship by making him feel so awkward and sad for the last time they'd ever see each other. So she'd forced a smile on her face, for Sorun's sake, and bid him farewell in the friendliest manner possible. And it was strange, interacting with him before he went through that portal. Because Nicole felt happy and sad at the same time, all for a person she was supposed to feel exclusive happiness over, and it mystified her to no end.
And then the portal happened. Sorun came back, Nicole went to see why, and understood immediately when she saw those ruins. His home was gone and he had to remain here on Mobius. And once again, she felt conflicting emotions. She wasn't strictly happy over the fact he was remaining with them, given what it took for this to happen, but she couldn't deny she was somewhat relieved of this fact. That he was back with them all, for good this time. It made her feel awful about herself, that she could feel such a thing, but she reasoned that the events that lead to this point were outside of both Nicole's and Sorun's hands, that maybe it was natural to feel this way. Either way it was still massively overshadowed by how awful she felt for Sorun's sake.
Here it was again. Something else happening to Sorun that made Nicole feel bad, because somebody she adored so much just suffered an unimaginable tragedy and he was not dealing with it well. He was speaking and cognizant now, at least, which was good, but... there was still something wrong with Sorun and Nicole didn't know what. How little energy he had, his movements, how quiet his voice was and how little he was speaking. It was all wrong. She knew why, he'd all but said why he was like this in front of her and Sally, and Nicole could well understand how everything that had happened could rattle Sorun so much, but it didn't change the fact that it hurt her seeing him like this and she wanted to fix him so that he would stop suffering.
But she didn't know how to fix this. She was still learning about her own emotions, let alone trying to fix someone else's emotions. Nobody else she knew of experienced tragedy on Sorun's level. People who had lost people, of course, but not on the sheer scale Sorun had. Not an entire world full of family and friends and his own people. Not gone as in out of reach, but gone, as in they'd all perished. Nobody, not a single person in the city she'd created, not anybody they knew, had ever had to deal with something like this. The closest Nicole could think of was Knuckles, but even then he still had his family, his team, and his species wasn't entirely extinct like Sorun's now was. She didn't have a benchmark to compare it to. She didn't have solutions.
She... didn't know how to help him, despite how much she so desperately wanted to.
So when Sorun asked her how he was supposed to deal with the fact his world and every single person there, and his history, his culture, every single facet of his life previous to Mobius, was now all completely gone and dead, she didn't have an answer for him. She just didn't know, nor could the AI even begin to speculate on an answer. It was uncharted territory.
"Sorun, I..." Nicole's words fell short. She had a perfect memory as an AI. Could think thousands of times faster than any organic being could ever hope to, could make advanced calculations in seconds with her own mind when it would take experienced mathematicians hours using a cumbersome amount of assistive tools. None of it was helping her with answering Sorun. Not her thinking abilities, not her database of information her mind was frantically searching through to find an answer that didn't exist, nothing. She didn't know. It frustrated her even more than being stuck in that handheld. "We... we're all here for you, if you need us."
It was such a predictable answer that Nicole had to hold back from visibly cringing, and afterwards had to wonder if she'd really said that in front of him. It had to count for something, though, right? She knew people in grief often clung to others as emotional aids to help them through times such as this. Familial units and friends and such. He didn't have the former, but he certainly had the latter. Especially her. And it was here she realized some part of Nicole wanted for Sorun to latch onto her for support, and the very idea of holding such an emotion repulsed her. She didn't want to exploit his pain just to be closer with him. That was wrong. She just wanted to help him be better so he'd stop being like this. She cared about him too much to see Sorun in this miserable state.
He didn't react in the slightest to what Nicole had said to him. He just continued staring at her with that empty expression he'd worn ever since the doctor at the hospital finished examining him. That hollow look. The neutral position his mouth was in. His vacant, sunken-in eyes. He wouldn't stop making that face. Nicole didn't even know if he was aware of the expression he was wearing.
"I know." That was all he offered her. He still kept giving her that hollow look, like all the emotion had been drained out from him. "..." He wouldn't speak further. He just kept staring at Nicole, like he wasn't sure of what to say. He wouldn't even move in the slightest. He only kept standing there staring at Nicole.
Even when she'd leapt forwards, wrapping her arms around his torso in a bear hug, holding their bodies so close together she had to rest her head on his shoulder, he didn't react.
"I can't imagine how painful it must be for you." She'd gone as far as to stroke his back with one hand and the back of his head with her other, in some desperate attempt at giving him some comfort, but all he would do was continue remaining limp in her hug. "I realize this home will never compare to the one you lost, but... this is still your home, Sorun. Your new home. We're all still here with you. I'm still here. And all we want to do is help you, okay? You just need to ask. We'll do whatever we can to help."
"..." Sorun still wouldn't speak to her. Nicole broke the hug and pulled away, both hands resting on his shoulders as she looked to his face. He'd gone back to staring aimlessly in a random direction, and it was here Nicole realized just how dreadfully tired Sorun looked. Tired in a way she couldn't describe.
"I... I'll come back tomorrow. I'll check on you every day." She still had a city to steward over, after all, as much as her responsibilities to the citizens were vexing her at the moment. But she'd find time for Sorun. She'd make time if she had to. "Please just go to sleep for now. You need your rest. Do you think you can find the bedroom on your own?"
Thankfully, Sorun nodded in Nicole's direction. She would have preferred a verbal confirmation, but just the fact he was still responsive and hadn't gone back to being catatonic was enough to put her at ease for now. She released Sorun's shoulders, and slowly her body began disappearing as she began transferring herself back into the city's systems.
"Goodnight, Sorun. We'll talk more tomorrow."
The fact that he didn't say anything as she faded away only made Nicole more worried for the person she adored so much.
It was probably a single second after Nicole disappeared that Sorun's body tilted backwards until his back fell against the floor. He noted the back of his head hitting the ground, but the pain was dulled. Distant. Not all there. He didn't care.
He was grateful to Nicole for everything. For the house, wanting to be there to help Sorun, just existing and being around him, everything. He felt bad not being able to vocalize these thoughts, but he didn't have it in him. He couldn't even stand right now, let alone pour out all his feelings for her. He just couldn't.
"Mom's dead. Dave's dead. All my friends are dead. Every single person on Earth is dead. It's all dead. Gone. I'll never see them again."
And here he was. The last, sole surviving member of the human species, surviving only because of freak coincidence it seemed. Stuck in a world of animal people and robots and, as far as he was concerned, off-brand humans that didn't truly count as humans. Here he was. All alone in a world that couldn't even comprehend his culture, while he, in turn, couldn't comprehend the world around him.
The others were there, at least. There was that. Some small comfort Sorun could just barely feel in his heart. If nothing else, there was that. He didn't know if he could keep on living if it weren't for the sole fact that there were people here in this world that cared about him. He wouldn't bother anymore otherwise.
"..." His head tilted to the side a bit. He saw himself, sitting on the ground and leaning his back against the wall, right next to Sorun. He looked as empty as Sorun was. "You realize they saved our lives by kidnapping us," he said to him.
"Don't wanna hear it." Sorun turned his head away from Sorun. "That doesn't fucking absolve them."
"Kind of does if you really think about it, intentions aside. You can't seriously still hate them."
"I don't feel anything right now. And neither do you," Sorun said.
"..." Sorun looked back up at the ceiling. "What are we supposed to do now?" he asked, his voice unsure. What was he supposed to do, really? He didn't have any plans. He didn't even know what he was supposed to do when he woke up tomorrow. Sorun had no idea what to do going forward. None whatsoever.
What was he supposed to do now that his world was dead?
Sorun, looking down at Sorun lying on the ground, sighed and stood up. "I don't care anymore," he said, voice scathing and sad at the same time, "about anything. Do whatever you want. None of it matters anymore. I'm going to sleep."
He walked off out of Sorun's view. Sorun sighed at him leaving, his eyes still up at the ceiling. It was only after Sorun left that Sorun realized just how tired he really was, and rapidly his eyelids began to become heavier and heavier.
Sorun decided it wasn't worth getting up to find the bedroom and decided to just sleep right there on the floor.