"—it is estimated to affect more than 2% of children (about 1.5 million) as of 2016. Males are diagnosed four times more often than females. The autism rights movement promotes the concept of neurodiversity, which views autism as a natural variation of the brain rather than a disorder to be cured."
"Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is characterized by persistent challenges with social communication and social interaction, and by the presence of restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities. These symptoms begin in early childhood, and can impact function."
Maybe that's what Dad saw in me.
He never mentioned it to me specifically though. He'd often ask what the hell was wrong with me, but that was because of my lack of focus or not doing exactly what he wanted me to do or perfectly execute a task.
Like shucking corn.
"—one course of development is more gradual in nature, in which parents report concerns in development over the first two years of life and diagnosis is made around 3–4 years of age."
I have some very vague memories around that age. Nothing like that though. It's all like snapshots of moments rather than real memories.
In a dark room, holding a training saber, which I already knew how to use while a big black droid with menacing needles shot stuff at me.
I remember it hurt. I remember it hurt a lot more when Dad hit me for crying after I would get shocked.
Learned not to cry and keep going like I was told.
"Oh what a PASS! Jacen Syndulla!" Cayle declares before springing to his feet and turning around in a circle. "I don't even care that that wasn't to me! What a pass!"
The same soccer game with cars that Sabine and Matt were playing is playing on the TV screen here in the theater room. "I meant to send it to you, but hit the pass with more air on it."
"The lob." Cayle smirks while sitting back down. "It worked dude, great job!"
The Force echoes with Jacen's happiness, followed by Mira stacking one rings on top of another with a satisfying sound. Ghost peers back from Jacen and Cayle, to Mira, then to me before his tail wags.
Everybody's happy.
It's going to be nap time for her here pretty soon. And I'm going to the airport to pick up Sabine today around 4.
I saw that there were some storms down in that area, but it shouldn't delay her all that much.
Hopefully she's okay with me just showing up to the airport. She never texted me, reminding me about the flight or anything.
Yesterday was a decent social day for her. I saw it late my time, so I saw everything. Started at a pool, moved to the beach, then a volleyball game.
Volleyball game turned into a concert on the beach. And Sabine clearly had a great time, posting like fifty videos from it of her and a whole bunch of people singing. Guys and girls.
Which is great. I'm glad she's had fun. She deserves to get out of her head for a bit. She's put the pedal down to the floor all semester so far.
Fun is good.
Uh oh, Mira's goofed up her rings.
"Hey, you messed up silly." I pop up off the couch and say in a light voice, encouraging Mira to turn and give me a coo in response. "You're gonna get them stuck."
I sit beside Mira, who is seated on one of her blankets and start pulling the plastic rings off the pole. Mira talks to me as I do it, pulling two rings off before she's back to where she needs to be. "There you go."
"Did we fix you up?" Cayle turns back to us. Mira's face lights up and she replies to Cayle before—
"Cayle!" Jacen yelps.
He whips his attention back to the screen just in time for Cayle to watch the ball get scored on him. "My bad. My fault…" He taps his chest. "That's on me. I'll make it up."
Turning my focus back to Mira, she's already back to…
Stacking the same ring back on top of the other one, which doesn't…
It's okay. She'll learn.
Let her just do what she wants. She's enjoying it. That's what's important.
I let out a breath through my nose and return my focus back to my tablet and the page I'm perusing.
Master Dooku gathered up some resources that he thought would help me with the whole autism…thing.
I don't perfectly fit into the box. I've got some of the traits, for example that I like my stuff to be neat and tidy. Clutter and mess makes me antsy.
You have to know where everything is, in case something happens all of a sudden. If you've got crap everywhere, you can't find it.
I mean, the amount of time Sabine's spent complaining about where something is, on her phone, in her notes or something specific like one particular brush. Or her drink…
Every time I mention it, she says that it's her organizational system. Which is funny because she doesn't have one at all.
And last time I did, she basically told me to shut up and stop bringing it up. So I haven't mentioned it since.
"—Deficits in social skills may lead to problems with friendships, romantic relationships, daily living, and vocational success."
I've got friends. More than I've ever had before. I'm…functional on a day to day basis. Nobody's thought how I do things is weird.
They've just let me live in my apartment. I know if I was doing something wrong in my day to day life they'd probably send Kanan or Hera in to gently persuade me into changing it.
And on the romantic front, there is no romantic front. I'm Vader.
Sabine's on the road to recovery following Brett. And she's…
Well I get to kiss her and sleep with her regularly. So the physical aspects are taken care of.
Even though that's an awful way to put it.
"Some of the symptoms related to social reciprocity include:
Lack of awareness or understanding of other people's thoughts or feelings—"
No, not really. I'm good at reading people. And I'm empathetic, I can adapt to a situation if it's happy or sad. If anything, I'm good in a pinch like that. I know when to shut up, step back, give support…
But the Force helps me with that. Whatever.
That's okay.
Lack of mutual sharing of interests: many children with autism prefer not to play or interact with others."
Unconsciously, my eyes fall on Mira, who is still sitting next to Ghost while eying her rings.
She's fine Ezra. She plays with Jacen, plays with you, or Hera and Kanan, or whoever. She loves to play with people and is okay playing by herself.
I can't think of a time that she's left everybody just to go play by herself.
She entertains herself and goes to play. That's normal.
Mira's great.
Like I called to her, Mira stops and turns to me and burst out into a smile. I barely notice that I'm already smiling at her before she's making her way over to me at her best top speed crawl.
Ghost barely lifts his head in his normal spot as Mira pulls herself up by the couch and talks to me. "Baba."
"Hey. Look who it is." I give her a silly grin. "It's you. Again."
Mira giggles at my comment, but probably my smile before I poke her tummy. "You look full from lunch still. Or are you getting chubby?"
Mira loudly giggles the moment I poke her tummy before latching onto my arm. "Hey I need that."
Oh.
Not breaking eye contact with me, Mira transitions from holding onto me to sticking her arms out at me like she wants me to pick her up.
"Oh, okay. C'mere then…" I scoop her right up and pull her into a hug as I'm lying down on the couch. "—"
Wait.
Mira just curls right up as I'm holding her in my arms and on my chest like it's nap time and she's tired before reaching out and grabbing my forearm. "Are you tired? Do you wanna nap?"
You like nap time with me. You have for a long time now.
I love nap time with Mira too.
Unfortunately I end up falling asleep too, a bit too much. But if it gets her to sleep, then I'll just have to get better at my end of the bargain.
Jacen takes his eyes off his game as I set the tablet aside and Mira wriggles up closer to me. "It's nap time?"
He doesn't want to stop.
"Keep playing bubs. Just…" I bring my hand up to my lips in a 'shhh…' motion. Jacen quickly nods in understanding before Cayle glances back at us.
"Aww…I'm gonna need a picture of this."
Not now, when she's asleep. You might reenergize her if you do it now. Even though…
Mira's eyelids give a quick flutter, followed by her moving to grip my shirt and peer up at me and say something I can't make out.
I know what she means though.
'Can I sleep?'
"Yeah…" I run my thumb down her back then kiss her forehead. "You can take a nap. You must be tired…"
It's nap time now.
Mira doesn't need to hear anything else before she closes her eyes and a few moments later, her head starts to droop.
We're tired…we needed a nap.
Makes sense. It's about one in the afternoon and we had lunch around forty five minutes ago.
Mira chowed down on some banana slices. Made a mess, but didn't complain one bit about eating.
She's like Jacen, an enthusiastic eater.
She's a lot like her brother.
Deliberately, I keep running my finger down her back in an effort to keep Mira calm and inching towards her nap.
I wonder if all siblings are similar at such a young age.
Maybe Elias was like me too. I don't know.
A sudden blast of air into my ear jars me out of sleep and I spring up into a seated position before Ghost loudly snorts again while—
I must have fallen asleep.
"What's wrong Ghost?" I ask while peering around the darkened theater room.
Jacen, Cayle and Mira are all gone. It's just me.
What time is it?
Pulling my phone off the small table on the other side of the couch, the screen lights up—
4:32?!
"No!" I yelp, then fly into action and grab my shoes before turning to start downstairs.
I vaguely hear Kanan's voice ask something before I round the stairs and see Hera and Kanan sitting on the floor in the living room. Ghost's standing up next to them while Mira is pushing her toy stroller.
More walking practice.
"Ghost, you did wake Ezra up…" Hera says disapprovingly as I thunder down the stairs as fast as I can. "What's wrong dear?"
"I was going to go pick Sabine up at the airport. Her flight was supposed to get in at 4." I explain as I stop at the foot of the stairs and begin pulling on my shoes.
"You never mentioned it." Kanan states plainly.
"Yeah, I wasn't planning on falling asleep when getting Mira down for a nap…" I say as I get my left shoe on and switch over to my right.
I'll hop in the car and give her a call. Maybe her flight is—
"I—" I start before I hear—
"Ezra."
That almost sounded like—
I turn towards the kitchen, right shoe halfway on before I stop as Sabine's giving me a weird look. "Already here." She says with a touch of flair before smiling.
"How'd…" I ask, then turn to Hera and Kanan, who are both still looking at me.
Am I still asleep?! What is going on right now?
"Weather was bad. I helped her move her flight." Hera smiles at me.
She moved her flight?
"Yeah." Sabine confirms, causing me to spin back towards her. "Everybody else is stuck at the airport right now. I got in like an hour ago."
I—
I am so confused.
"I saw that the weather was looking bad. But I thought it was arriving later." I reply blankly, then look from Sabine, back to Hera then back to Sabine again.
She's darker. Sabine got a tan.
She looks amazing.
"Nope." Hera confirms as I'm still looking at Sabine before turning back once more.
Beside her, Kanan quips "That must have been a good nap."
Hera swats at his leg before I shrug in response to Kanan's comment. "It was alright. Didn't mean to fall asleep."
"You say that every time you fall asleep with Mira." I hear Zeb quip before I spin and see him approach, walking past Sabine.
Wait now they've met too?!
Sabine turns back towards the kitchen as Zeb comes in for a hug. "Good to see you Blue. Heard your break was boring."
"Meetings were boring." I shake my head then ask Kanan and Hera. "Anybody else come while I was asleep?"
"Ahsoka." Kanan tilts his head to the backyard.
Out in the backyard, Jacen is tracking a probe droid as Cayle looks on. Ahsoka's head tails barely are visible above the couch cushions as she's sitting comfortably on the couch.
"She heard Cayle was going to help Jacen with his blaster deflection and decided to come supervise." Zeb elaborates as Jacen blocks a bolt with Cayle's shoto filling in for a full length lightsaber.
The smaller hilt probably gives him more control over the blade than a full size training saber.
Or Ahsoka could be here watching how Cayle teaches Jacen.
If he's really as close to the trials as Sabine heard.
Mira making a noise pulls me back to reality, just before a red plastic wheel collides with my foot. "Ahh! My foot!" I play along.
The whole room laughs at my acting, most importantly Mira, who is gazing up at me with her happy, gooey smile. "Hey you. You tricked me into falling asleep! Again!" I accost her while scooping her up.
Mira makes a delighted noise before using my shoulder to get closer to me. "Baba…"
"No remorse." I shake my head, getting Zeb to laugh and spin back towards the kitchen.
"I'd better get back to work."
I reply "On dinner?!"
I guess we're nearing that time. Already.
I really did not need to take that nap.
I'm going to be up all night long.
"Yeah, the plan is steaks…right?" Zeb asks Kanan.
They know Sabine likes that. Last time we cooked those she loved it.
Kanan confirms with a nod before I add "Give me a second, I can come help."
"You don't have to Ezra." Hera tells me as Mira makes the same noise again before patting my collarbone. "Wait, she did it again."
"Did what again?" I parrot Hera.
Hera ignores me and instead beams at her daughter. "Mira baby." Mira turns right around and murmurs at her Mom before Hera asks "Who is that?"
"Baba!" Mira cheers before turning around and babbling at me.
She did do it again.
Kanan's eyebrows raise before he turns to Hera. "You're right."
"Of course I'm right luv."
"Right about what?" I ask.
Hera smiles at me. "She's getting better talking. She's almost at saying 'ma-ma' and 'da-da' now."
Wait, and I'm 'Baba'?
Mira…
She's trying to say my name.
"You know who I am…" I beam at Mira as I feel my heart go to pieces.
She's been saying that same phrase for a little bit now. I thought it was just her generic greeting for everyone.
I move to sit down next to her stroller as Ghost approaches. "Of course she knows who you are. She loves you."
"But I didn't know she was trying to talk to me like that." I try to explain it better.
"She's sneaky with it." Kanan explains. "Hera's noticed that it's usually right when she wakes up. The longer she's up the more she just babbles."
"Talks." Hera frowns at Kanan. "She talks."
"We don't know what she's saying!"
Ghost pulls Mira's attention, who immediately goes to pet Ghost's ears. "You know what she means to say though." Hera counters him.
"Yeah, like if she's hungry or needs a new diaper or whatever. But not actual words."
Hera makes a noise of frustration before I ask. "What about Jacen?"
"She has a specific noise for him. Higher pitched, happier." Hera explains. "You've heard it, you've seen her follow Jacen around."
Yeah. Usually where Jacen is Mira will inevitably follow.
Jacen goes to play his game, Mira drifts towards the stairs. Jacen's watching a show in the living room?
Mira's in the living room.
The girl in question continues loving on Ghost, who is now sitting beside us here in the hallway. "Hey. Go play. You're using your stroller?!"
She's finally taken a liking to it instead of using Ghost all the time.
Mira commentates on something while grabbing onto her stroller and—
Just walks right off towards her Mom and Dad.
She's getting good at that.
…
Stop growing up so fast baby.
I don't want to think about the day that Mira's no longer a baby.
Kitchen.
Get moving.
(Sometime past 1 AM)
Beside me Sabine hums, content as I pull the comforter a little closer to me.
"You cold?"
I nod, only for Sabine to close the small space between us and place her head on my chest.
"I missed you. So much."
"I missed you too." I answer.
Sabine throws her leg over the top of mine while scooting closer to me. "Not as much as I did. At least tonight I get to be with you…and don't have to sleep with headphones on."
"Oh no." I blurt out.
"Yeah." Sabine giggles. "Jaicey booked the room next to me. You remember that right?"
I nod and opt to stay silent, allowing Sabine to continue. "Jaicey found some model from Virginia. Abercrombie or Hollister or some other retail chain, I don't know what. Does jewelry too. I think Omega or something. But they had a good week." She exhales heavily.
"Had a lot of fun?"
"All over each other. Her favorite seat was his lap. Most of the time she was between buzzed and drunk. She had him wrapped around her finger. And because when they're alone and awake—"
"They're acting like your roommate and her boyfriend?" I fill in the gaps.
Sabine nods and gives me her knowing smile. "But they were up like all night with a consistent rhythm. That was the problem, the headboard."
Fantastic.
"Well that's awesome." I drone out.
"They didn't even do it all that well. He failed multiple times. You don't fail."
I laugh and turn my head towards my pillow. "I try not to."
"My best friend wasn't even enough most nights." Sabine sets her head on my shoulder to whisper into my ear. "All I was left was unsatisfied and missing you. And hearing that Hollister model."
"Was he at least nice?"
Sabine makes a noncommittal noise. "He didn't have anything interesting to say. But that's not what Jaicey was after."
True.
"How about Matt?"
Oddly enough, Sabine giggles and spins me back to face her. "I didn't see much of him. He acted like who I thought he might be before I really got to know him. What'd you guys talk about at the airport?"
"I told him to go be Mr. Hot Shot Quarterback Guy. Is that what he did?"
"Oh yeah." Sabine barks out another laugh. "Blondes, brunettes, even a redhead. One of them had a brain but they all made me look ugly in comparison—"
"That is so not true." I cut her off, getting Sabine to give me a smile, dimple included.
"I disagree Ezra, they were all ridiculous. I wanna say models too or sorority girls. He just cycled through them. I really didn't see him much except for when he walked them down in the morning, as I ate alone at the buffet."
"You ate alone?"
Sabine…
"It was alright." She tells me while cuddling me closer. "I read some books. The food was good."
"Was the place as nice as you thought it might be?"
Sabine nods into my chest. "It was great. Private beach, some great concerts. Boat tours every day. I caught a fish—"
"You caught a fish?"
"Yeah." Her head pops up, revealing a huge smile. "Our guide had me keep it, then cooked it up at dinner. Freshly caught fish is delicious."
I bet it is.
"I saw your concert yesterday I think. Looked like fun."
"It was." Sabine confirms for me. "I rewatched some of the stories at the airport. Sorry about my singing."
I laugh at her, causing Sabine to curl up in what I assume is embarrassment. "It wasn't that bad."
"Stop lying to me. It was awful. I screeched."
"You only screeched a couple of times." I tease her before Sabine elbows me.
"I can't hit the high notes."
I smirk at her as a response. "But you tried. And that's what counts."
Sabine doesn't seem to have a counter to that, instead choosing to lie here next to me. "But I, uhm…"
Uh oh.
I probe out silently, disguising the move by squeezing Sabine's shoulders.
She's nervous.
"I, uhm, I want you to know something. I didn't get with anyone or—"
"Sabine—"
"Don't cut me off! I'm trying to say something important!" Sabine swats at me, pushing herself up onto her elbow at the same time. "I didn't get with anybody. I figured you'd assume I did."
"That's not my business. And I said—"
"And you didn't listen to me." Sabine talks over me once again. "I…I saw how you didn't look at my stories and stuff for most of the week. You liked my post late. You…you don't have to lie to me."
But I do.
A sudden bubble of guilt seems to well up inside me before I speak up. "The first part of the week wasn't what I expected. Good…but I just couldn't use my phone."
Sabine gives me a sympathetic look. "Can you tell me anything about it?"
No.
I shake my head before Sabine quips. "Worth a shot."
"I'm sorry. I told you—"
"I know."
"—you didn't have to alter your behavior for me Sabine. I…I'm sorry." I apologize, feeling guilty.
I didn't want to guilt trip her into anything over the break. And I somehow did anyway.
"I didn't alter anything. I just…was better. I had some drinks, I danced, I partied. Some guys tried to come after me, but I said no."
…
"Well I'm glad they took no for an answer."
"One of them didn't. Had to show him some of my combat training." Sabine laughs before pulling me closer to her.
"Combat training?"
Sabine confirms my statement with a nod. "Every Mandalorian is combat trained. Ask Jaicey, she might remember. Although she was draped off Darren at the time…"
That must be the name of the guy.
"What'd you do to him?"
"Kneed him in the nuts. But way harder than I did to you. Caught him clean since he wasn't expecting it."
"Ooh." I groan in sympathy.
Sabine smiles before replying. "I hope that's male solidarity and not actual sympathy."
"You don't know how much that hurts." I tell her.
It HURTS.
Sabine makes a face. "Well he was crying as I walked away after pouring his drink on him. So I imagine it hurt pretty bad."
"Damn…"
Sabine!
"You know the nice side of me. I can be really mean if I have to be. You…" Sabine pauses, then turns me over and moves to sit on my lap and set her head next to my ear.
"Every time one of those dummies started insinuating that we should go back to the hotel or something, I'd tell them I had a boyfriend."
But she—
"—which I don't…but every time I closed my eyes and tried to describe him in my head…he kept on looking a lot like you."
—
"Sabine…" I mumble, only for Sabine to lean back and smile at me.
With both dimples.
"I did miss you. And I do love you. So much. I…I bet you thought a lot about me this week. And I know I' m putting you in a weird spot."
"I know why you're putting me in this spot."
"And I'm so grateful for that Ezra…" Sabine loops her arms around my neck and pulls me into her neck. "I don't want anything long term right now, but if I did…? There's only one name on that list."
"And what's his name?" I joke.
Sabine loudly giggles into my ear before squeezing me both around my chest and my waist. "You…"
—
—
—
—
—
Sabine finally separates from me, only to lay back down on top of me. "You really should have come. You would have loved it. We could have done all of the same things I did by myself."
Ouch.
"And then shown Jaicey and her boy toy what sex is like when it's done right."
"Sabine…" I groan, only for Sabine to giggle furiously at me.
"What? It's true. We could have gone on those deep sea fishing trips, sat out on the beach and tanned, gone to those concerts…"
I bust out laughing as she continues talking. "You're the worst."
She's the best.
"And I could have seen what you're like when you're drunk and not pissed off at me. That's my main goal the rest of the semester. I want to see that."
"Maybe when JJ gets back." I concede. "After he stops hitting all these stupid shots."
Sabine, Cayle, Zeb and I all watched JJ's game out on the patio after dinner. I was mostly a neutral observer, but Sabine devolved into the fan that she and Jaicey both are, yelling instructions at the TV.
Zeb helpfully played along and Cayle just gave me helpful winks, nods and nudges.
All of which told me what I already knew.
"I don't care what she's gonna say…she missed him. The only night she didn't rattle my wall was Thursday night, when JJ went nuclear. And Matt told me later that she was in the sports bar, by herself watching him."
"Aww…They're gonna be alright."
"Oh yeah." Sabine smiles once more. "And the fact that he shouted her out, both tonight in his interview and on Thursday…we're going to have to avoid their house tomorrow."
"So no barbecue?" I ask, then pretend to frown.
Sabine shakes her head. "We'll be lucky if they leave the house tomorrow. Hell, they played in San Jose so…"
Sabine reaches over me and grabs her phone, revealing that it's actually past a little past 2 AM. "Yeah, they're probably back by now. So the tectonic plates should start moving any minute now."
"Sabine!" I laugh, cringing.
So dark!
"Sorry! It's true though. Maybe on Wednesday since Dance is cancelled on Thursday."
"Dance is cancelled on Thursday?" I ask.
Sabine nods, half lying on me still while holding her phone. "Didn't you check your email?"
"No, it was Break." I laugh.
"Oh!" Sabine's eyes bulge. "We do have that exam in there on Tuesday. She spring it on us."
"Wait what?!" I ask.
She mentioned a dance exam Hera over dinner. I didn't take her seriously.
"We really have an exam?"
Sabine nods, smiling like she just caught me doing something I wasn't supposed to. "Yeah. After practice tomorrow, we have to go practice."
"After practice we need to go practice." I sarcastically parrot her. "Got it."
"Oh you know what I mean." She shoves me head into the pillows. "I have my practice, and Weber's gonna try to kill us like he did last week. And you have your practice, doing whatever it is that you're doing. So you're going to have to pick up the slack for my rubbery legs."
Okay.
"I'll try. I thought you knew what I was doing?"
Sabine shakes her head at me before setting her phone back down on the nightstand. "Not really. I just have seen you and Matt walking across Meridian in your practice gear, going to throw the football around."
"I just kind of follow Matt around. It's all his idea, since everything is so disorganized." I confess with a shrug.
"I wish our practice was disorganized…" Sabine complains. "Weber has our whole lives planned out by the 9 AM email…"
So he's a micromanager.
"Anyway, I don't know how we got off on that." Sabine abruptly stops herself and loops her hands behind my neck. "Where were we again?"
"I think we were—"
—
—
—