Well, for some time I wasn't quite sure where I was heading with this fic - but then I received a review that asked for more drama, and that led me thinking... :D And suddenly - BOOOM! It all became clear to me, like I had this vision of where things were heading, and I just heard all these characters in my head, crystal clear, shouting to me to tell their story. So, here we go again - I have so many chapters written now, almost ready, and a plot in my mind for so many more.

Thanks to that one review, really. More drama, here we go! You have no idea what's cooking, haha!

As always, tell me what you think, loves. I do appreciate it so much.

Matsuda had thought he wouldn't sleep - but it turned out he had been wrong.

He did sleep.

And he did dream.

And once again the trigger was so easy to pull, and once again Light fell to the floor and he just couldn't stop, he just wouldn't stop shooting, the gunshots ringing in his ears, until Light was down and the last shot went through his face and the back of his head exploded—

Matsuda woke up gasping for air, his hair plastered to his sweaty forehead.

It was 6am, and the morning light entered his room through the window. Outside he could clearly hear the morning traffic of Tokyo already - all the people rushing to work, the cars, the trains, the subways. Taking a shaky inhale, he tasted blood on his lips, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and noticed an actual red streak on white skin.

Biting your lip in your sleep, that's a new one.

Though that was the only new thing about this night. The nightmare was the same as always.

With a groan he got up and ran his fingers through his moist and greasy hair, realizing he was still wearing yesterday's clothes, all crumpled and clinging to his sweaty skin. He wanted nothing more than to lay back down, to hide under the sheets (that still held some of Fay's scent of cinnamon and roses and green tea), but that really wasn't an option. Not today.

Things to do, places to be.

Yawning, he shuffled his feet to the tiny bathroom, that was no more than a closet with a shower, really - but he had hardly needed more when living here. There was his toothbrush, still by the sink, his razor, all his manly products - the Armani aftershave Fay loved so much-

And in the mirror his face: pale, wax like skin, dark circles under his eyes. His cheekbones arched sharp under tight skin, the two day stubble made him look ragged, untidy. A streak of blood on his lower lip topped the look.

It's a good thing Fay can't see me now. The real me.

With a jolt he remembered the airport, their farewells. How he had forced a smile on his lips, and she had commented on it - that it was good to see him smiling, and how her words had made him feel like the lowest of the low, letting her on like that. Knowing there was really nothing he could give her right now, and yet unable to tell her that truth.

He leaned on the sink, gripping the edges so that his knuckles turned white.

He had never missed anyone like he missed Fay. It was like he was missing a body part, the ache inside of him, like the marrow of his bones was gone.

There's no dwelling in this, it's too late now. You'll have to figure this out by yourself.

Maybe… maybe I'll get this under control. And then I can go back. I just want to go back home.

A couple of hours later, showered and shaved, changed into a clean set of clothes, Matsuda felt he at least looked a little bit more like before.

Which was a good thing, considering where he was.

Sitting on a bench, outside of the NPA building, holding a cup of coffee in his hands (the only thing he could stomach for breakfast), he was waiting.

He didn't have to wait for long, though, before he saw a familiar figure approaching. That man was just so punctual, like clockwork. No wonder they had made him the chief! Matsuda eyed the tall man, who was walking towards the NPA headquarters, noticed his stern face, the look on his eyes all serious, as always. A pang of warmth flushed Matsuda's chest, mixed with shame and embarrassment.

Suddenly he was nervous, his throat dry.

After all - they hadn't seen each other since that day at the Yellow Box Warehouse. Where they had stood at the opposite ends of the gaming field.

Matsuda took a sip of his coffee (that had now gone cold), before standing up.

"Aizawa." he managed, forcing a smile on his face. "Hey, what's up?"

The older man looked like he'd seen a ghost, his eyes widened.

"Matsuda? What are you doing here? I thought you went to Europe with-"

"Haha, yeah!" he ran his fingers through his too long hair, pushing the strands off his eyes. "I did. With Fay."

Aizawa didn't say anything to that, just took it all in, no doubt noticing the wretched state Matsuda was in. Even a shower and clean clothes hardly could hide the fact he had lost weight, nor the dark circles around his eyes.

"So…" Aizawa finally said. "Are you back for good? You still have a job here, with the police. I was wondering what you were going to do about that."

"That's why I'm here, actually." Matsuda replied. "Do you have… can you, like, go for a coffee? So that we could sit down and have a chat?"

Aizawa frowned, and glanced at his watch, which immediately made Matsuda feel like an idiot. Of course he didn't have time. It was a busy weekday, 7.30 in the morning. Like the chief of NPA would have time for a coffee with a friend in a moment like this.

Though he wasn't sure if they could even be called friends. Matsuda had always looked up to Aizawa, but had assumed that the older man could barely stand him, always calling him an idiot, and stuff.

To Matsuda's immense surprise, Aizawa finally nodded, and gave something that resembled a smile. "All right. One cup of coffee, and you can tell me what this is all about. But let's be quick about it - I have a meeting to catch."

"Great! Is that coffee shop still there, around the corner? The one where we used to go all the time, before-"

Aizawa frowned, clearly annoyed, but started walking anyways.

"It's still there. Come on, already I don't have all day."

A quarter of an hour later they were sitting on a booth of a coffee place, both with a cup of black coffee and nothing else. Aizawa had probably eaten breakfast already, Matsuda thought - his wife Eriko had no doubt prepared it for him - but Matsuda couldn't even think about eating. His appetite had always been excellent, but these past weeks it was nonexistent. Even the smells of this small coffee place - buns and rolls, eggs with toast - made him nauseous. Thank goodness for coffee, though - the only thing that kept him going these days.

"So, how have you been?" Matsuda asked after a rather long silence. "How are things? I heard they made you the chief-"

"Things are back to normal." Aizawa noted, glancing out of the window. "With Kira gone, the crime is slowly starting to go up. The society needs us again."

"That's… good, I guess." Matsuda replied.

"I guess." Aizawa shrugged. "And yes, I am the chief now."

"Wow, that must feel huge! Such a responsibility. I never thought anyone but Chief Yagami could do that, but-"

"But what?" Aizawa frowned - again. He seemed to do that a lot.

"But since he's… gone, I cannot think of anyone more suitable to the job than you."

Aizawa didn't say anything to that, just raised his coffee to his lips, and drank in silence. Matsuda did the same, the familiar feeling of being an idiot, always saying something stupid, something annoying, creeping back on him like mold.

"So… I'm thinking it wasn't a coincidence I walked into you at the NPA." Aizawa said after a short silence. "Are you planning to tell me what this meeting is about?"

"Hah, yeah. No coincidence." Matsuda forced a smile. "I know I could've done this by phone, but I just… I just wanted to-"

"Get to the point already, Matsuda."

"Yeah, right, I'm trying to." he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope, slid it across the table to Aizawa. "Here, take it."

The older man took it, glancing at Matsuda with a quizzical look, then opened it and read the short letter inside.

A silence followed, a silence that Matsuda couldn't interpret at all.

"It is-" he began, only to be interrupted by Aizawa.

"I can see what it is." he snapped. "Your letter of resignation."

"Yeah. I thought… I just wanted to give it face to face, now that you're the chief and all."

Aizawa still didn't say anything, just stared at the letter in his hands, his calloused fingers brushing the paper.

"I thought… I thought you'd be happy to receive it." Matsuda finally said, with a shrug. "After all, you always told me I wasn't suited for the job. And that I was an-"

"Well, you thought wrong." Aizawa finally replied, stuffing the letter back into the envelope, and shoving it back at Matsuda. "I am not happy about this. And I do not think you should resign."

"Oh." Matsuda looked up, meeting Aizawa's eyes. "Why not?"

"Because, as I just said, the crime is rising, and it will be a slaughterhouse out there once the criminal world realizes that Kira is truly gone. We need every man, every police officer we can get, if we're going to keep things from falling apart."

"Everyone? Matsuda asked, his tone suddenly dark. "Even someone like me?"

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

Matsuda couldn't hide the bitterness in his voice, as he replied. "That maybe I am not suited for the job. That I never was, and it's time I made it official. Let's be real - Chief Yagami was the only one ever to give me credit, and…"

Matsuda didn't finish that sentence. It still hurt too much to think about Chief Yagami, besides if he went down that road he'd find himself back at the Yellow Box Warehouse, gripping the gun, pulling the trigger and Light went down-

"Just… just take it." Matsuda managed, sliding the envelope across the table again, back at Aizawa. "I'm not coming back to NPA, and I mean it."

Aizawa didn't reply immediately, just gave a sigh and drank his coffee in silence, eyeing the envelope for a while, before finally picking it up and pushing it into the pocket of his jacket.

"Thank you." Matsuda said silently. "For accepting my resignation."

"I only accept it, because you're not giving me any choice." Aizawa stated bitterly, still not meeting Matsuda's eyes.

He looked old, Matsuda realized suddenly. Way older than just a couple of weeks ago that he had seen him last, with lines around his eyes and some gray strands in his black hair. Not that much time had passed, but suddenly it felt like an ocean of time and space, that separated them and Matsuda couldn't help wondering when had it all happened. He couldn't help but to think of the weeks and months that Aizawa had been secretly working for Near, when he had realized already that Light must be Kira - and Matsuda himself had been oblivious to it all.

He wanted nothing more than to talk about it. To ask, how long had Aizawa known, to tell him that he was sorry - oh god, he was so sorry! - that he hadn't been there for Aizawa, that he hadn't seen, hadn't known.

But saying that out loud was too hard, even the thought of it… it just took him back at the moment he had realized, had known and he pulled the trigger again and again and again-

"Matsuda, are you… is everything alright?"

Aizawa's voice ripped Matsuda off the memory. He cleared his throat, took a sip of the black coffee, as bitter as his thoughts.

"I'm fine. I just… Tell me, Aizawa - how are things now? Your wife must be happy that you're the Chief, ah?"

"Well, she is - I think. Though it is a lot of work, and I won't be home as much…"

"Oh. Yeah, I didn't think that far."

Aizawa glanced at him, as if to say something, but then let it go. Matsuda suspected he had been about to call him an idiot.

"And what about you?" Aizawa asked instead. "You went to England with Fay. How is that going?"

"That's…" Matsuda paused mid sentence. What was there to say? That Fay was his oxygen, that only with her could he breath, could he forget what he had done. That when he was with Fay and looked into her deep, forest green eyes, he was more than he was, he was better, he was braver and he was worth redemption? That he loved her more than he had ever loved anything in his life - and because of that he had left her, and run away, back here. To this lousy coffee place that served cheap coffee that tasted like socks.

"We're still working on it." he finally said. "But I love her, if that's what you're asking."

Something softened in Aizawa's eyes, though he probably didn't mean for Matsuda to notice.

"So, you're going back to England then. To be with her."

"Eventually. I'm… I must sort out some things first. Get rid of my apartment, sell my stuff…" he shrugged. "But yeah, I hope to be going back to England soon. To be with her…. to raise a family."

Aizawa's eyes widened. "A family?"

"Oh yeah, didn't you know?" Matsuda made a nervous laugh. "She has a daughter, can you believe it? She had Ruyzaki's kid."

"Oh, Yeah, right. That must be weird. You, raising L's child?"

There were plenty of things Matsuda wanted to reply to that, but didn't.

He knew Aizawa hadn't like Ryuzaki, but had nevertheless thought he was a genius. And that Matsuda was an idiot. He must believe I'm not smart enough to raise Lily. That eventually Fay will realize that too, and find a better father figure for her.

"It's not that weird." he just said and shrugged. "She's Fay's child too, so. Besides, we're thinking of having kids of our own."

"Kids of your own?" That mark made Aizawa drop his coffee mug so fast that some of it spilled to the table. "Are you.. are you insane? It's been, what, a couple of months that you started this thing with her and you're already giving up your job, moving to another continent and talking about children? That's just-"

"Idiotic?" Matsuda raised an eyebrow.

"I wasn't going to say that."

"Yeah, you were." Matsuda noted, and took a mouthful of coffee to wash the bitter taste off his lips - though the coffee didn't really help with that at all.

"Fine, maybe I was. But I have a point here."

"How old were you, when you had a kid, Aizawa?"

That caught him off-guard. "I was… not yet 30, when Yumi was born."

"I'm older than that now." Matsuda shrugged. "So what's the big deal?"

"It's just… it's that you are-"

"I'm not the kid I was when all this started, Aizawa." Matsuda said, in a silent voice, looking down into his coffee. "I'm not. I've changed."

There was a long silence after that. So long, that Matsuda started to wonder if Aizawa was going to say anything at all anymore. But he didn't seem to be going anywhere, just silently sipping his coffee and looking at Matsuda as if he too had a lot of things he wanted to say to him, but didn't.

A sudden sadness crossed Matsuda's heart.

How tragic was that? That they had both lost a friend that day at the Yellow Box Warehouse. They had lost Light, who had been their friend, their colleague, their leader. And here they sat, talking about anything and everything else, not even able to say Light's name.

"To raise a family you need money and a job." Aizawa finally said, as if proving Matsuda's point. "Or at least that's what my wife keeps telling me."

"Yeah, I guess so." Matsuda agreed half heartedly. "Anyways, I'll figure it out. Fay says I can help around in Wammy's house and maybe at some point work for Near too."

"Oh, Near." Aizawa made a face. "That guy still freaks me out."

"Even if you are the one of us, who's actually worked with him?"

"Still."

"Huh. I didn't think there were many things that could 'freak you out'.

"Well, he does. Looks like a child, but has a mind of a-"

"A mind of an L." Matsuda shrugged. "I don't really know him at all. It's just something Fay said - that I might be able to join some missions, later. It's not like I'm rushing into it."

Aizawa met his eyes over his mug of coffee.

"Well, it makes sense. You are the man who gunned down Kira. Near would be an idiot not to make use of you."

Suddenly there was an acidic taste on Matsuda's lips. "I thought I was the idiot." he said.

There was no reply from Aizawa, just a sigh that could've meant anything.

"Funny." Matsuda said, after a short silence. "How you say I am the man who gunned down Kira."

"Well, you are."

"To me it will always feel like I am the man who gunned down Light Yagami."

And there it was.

The thing they had circled around all this time, both unable to say it out loud.

That Matsuda had killed Light, and it had changed everything.

"Matsuda-"

"Yeah, I know. It should be the same thing. But it isn't. Kira was someone I didn't know. A mass murderer. A monster who had to be stopped. But Light… Light was my friend."

"Light was Kira. And what you did was necessary."

Matsuda made a snort. "What I did was murder."

"You were doing your job." Aizawa spat out. "You did what had to be done. If you hadn't we'd be dead and Kira had walked free."

Matsuda made a bitter laugh, couldn't hide the emotion that made his voice tremble.

"That's what Fay keeps telling me." he noted.

"Maybe you should believe her."

"I'm working on it."

"Huh." Aizawa commented, and the look on his face told Matsuda that he had indeed noticed the wretched state he was in.

So what. Let him notice. Let everyone see, what do I even care?

"Do you ever… do you ever think about it?" he asked, after another rather long silence. "About that day, in the warehouse."

Aizawa turned his gaze away and frowned.

"Of course I think about it." he muttered under his breath, his fingers gripping tight to his coffee mug. "And then I tell myself, what I just told you. We did what had to be done. It's over. It's in the past. It's time to let go and start living again."

A short moment of silence. A young girl walked by, glanced at them and sat down at the next table. Her blond hair fell to her shoulders when she pulled her phone from her purse and started typing frantically. Suddenly she reminded Matsuda of Misa, and he felt a pang in his heart.

"Do you know… do you know what happened to Misa?" he asked, turning his glance back at Aizawa. "She still doesn't remember a thing?"

"Didn't you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"Damn, it was all over the press… I thought you'd seen it on TV."

A cold feeling had started to spread across Matsuda's chest. "Just tell me."

"She's dead. Took her own life a couple of days ago."

Matsuda felt like he'd been hit. Misa? Dead? That girl had been so full of life, a sparkle of pure energy. He had really liked her, a lot! And now she was gone too?

"How?" he managed.

"Jumped off a skyscraper. I guess she just couldn't live without…."

Without Light.

Aizawa didn't have to finish that sentence, for Matsuda to know what he had meant. That Misa had killed herself because Light was gone. And Light was gone, because Matsuda had killed him.

Murderer.

Another one dead because of you.

Matsuda felt like he couldn't breath. Like he was suffocating. He inhaled sharply, but no matter what he did, he couldn't help it, there were tears in his eyes and they were burning, he tasted salt and copper on his lips.

He pushed off the coffee, and buried his face into his hands, leaning his elbows to the table. He wouldn't cry, he wouldn't cry, not here, not in front of Aizawa. He sucked in the tears, his shoulders shaking of the effort.

"Come on, don't blame yourself." Aizawa muttered. "There was a life sentence waiting for her, and you know it."

A life sentence - a life in prison, maybe a death penalty. Sure. But at least then her life wouldn't have been on Matsuda's conscious.

"She was the second Kira." Aizawa went on. "You shouldn't feel bad about her, Matsuda. She was a mass murderer, just like Light. She killed a lot of innocent people too, she killed Ukita-"

"Then why do I feel like this?!" Matsuda cried out, his voice breaking. "Why do I… Why can't I just reason it like you do? Why can't I-"

"I don't know!" Aizawa shouted back, then glanced around clearly embarrassed and lowered his voice. "I don't know, and I can't help you with that. Just… just you should know it wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault."

Matsuda took a deep breath, a shaky inhale.

None of it wasn't your fault.

To hear Aizawa say that much… it was a lot. He was the man who never praised anyone, not him at least. Aizawa, the honest one, the truthful one, the friend Matsuda should've trusted, instead of Light.

How different everything would be, if he had just done that.

But it was too late now, of course. It was too late, and no matter what Aizawa or anyone said, the pain and agony in Matsuda's chest told him it was his fault, all of it - and he would have to come to terms with that truth, if he ever hoped to live a normal life again.

If he ever hoped to see Fay again, and be the man she needed for him to be.

He looked up, met Aizawa's dark eyes, let him see him - the real him, without fake smiles, without forced laughs, let the man across the table see what lay behind it all.

"I wanted to ask something of you." he said, in a low, broken voice. "That's the real reason I'm here. Not that letter, not that resignation… I wanted to ask you-"

"Then ask me."

He took a deep breath, glued his sweaty palms to the table. His voice trembled ever so slightly as he said: "Do you know where the buried Light?"

Ah, I really love Aizawa - don't you? He and Matsuda make a nice bromance, I think. :D Should I write more Aizawa? Let me know, guys!