POV: Alex
Steven stood in the doorway, the light perfectly hitting his fur. His face was shocked, but only lightly so. "What did they do to you?" he said as he stepped forward, placing his soft hands on my face. The pain in my right side flared up again, as did the pain in my nose, my arm, my leg. It was just pain everywhere, and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing as Steven pulled me into a tight hug. He chuckled a bit, tightening his grip. "You smell like ass." It did little to comfort me, it only reminded me of what happened, and how the world was now going to think about me. They were only going to see the scary wolf on the outside, nothing beneath the surface, nothing at all.
"I think," Steven said as he pulled away, "I think you should take a shower." I could only look into his sunset eyes, wondering if he was holding back emotions, wondering if all of this was for nothing. It had to be for something, he had to have loved me if he was willing to see me at my worst. That's what I wanted, right? For him to tell me he loved me, even if I had been beaten so badly?
Steven took my hand, turning over my arms to reveal the bandages Dad had put on, red seeping through the little cracks in the linen. "You did it again, didn't you?" He brushed his fingers across it, sighing and closing his eyes. "Come on, you don't need to look like this anymore." He led me through the house, straight to the bathroom, shutting the door behind us. I couldn't stop looking at him, couldn't stop my heart from pounding, from beating against the cage I locked it in.
My body was heavy, tired from everything, and I collapsed onto him. He held on strong, sturdy, holding up my weight as I cried unto him. Everything that had been bottled up inside was being released. Loud, horrible sobs escaped my body, but he held on, whispering in my ear that everything was going to be ok. But nothing was going to be ok. I wasn't ok, I was never going to be ok. Did he even love me? Did he really, truly love the wolf who looked like an absolute and utter mess?
"Alex," Steven said, "Alex you're ok, I've got you. I'm not leaving, I'm not going anywhere." I cried harder, heaving and gasping for air, wanting it to all be over. I tried to claw at the bandages on my arms, but he held them tightly, shielding my arms from any more danger. "You're not alone," he said, "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."
There was a moment of silence as the crying subsided to sniffling, emotions leaving my body. Steven just held onto me, didn't matter that he was a little bit shorter than me, didn't matter that he was a totally different animal than me, I had gotten my answer; he loved me. I had been asking myself, how could he love someone so messed up as me? Someone so broken as me? I never got the true answer, I honestly didn't know if I wanted one. I just wanted him.
"Here," Steven said as he gently pulled away, turning the nozzle of the shower and pulling back the curtains. He swallowed hard, his eyes looking around the room as he hid his hands. "Do...do you want me to go in with you?"
I don't deserve this.
I took a deep breath, and nodded. I wasn't going to take off my clothes, I didn't want that with him. I just wanted someone with me, I didn't want him to leave. Every part of my body was on fire, even the scar on my face flared up with heat. The pain was mitigated, leaving me feeling hot, a constant lump in my throat. I couldn't control my mind, so I just kept breathing as Steven took off his shirt, my heart stopping for a second. He reached for his pants, but I stopped him. "No...no you can...keep them on." He looked towards the running water in the shower, then back at me and nodded.
The warm water felt amazing on my skin, the blood that was once soaked into my fur stained the tub a shade of pink as it rushed down the drain. The purple bruises were still there, the bandages becoming wet, but still sticking on. Steven stood with me, his hands around my waist as he stared into my eyes. I blinked away the water which rushed to my eyes, my fur a wet mess of grey and white. I couldn't stop my hands from trailing down his body, hooking into the sides of his pants.
Steven leaned in for a kiss, one that was deep and passionate, hotter than the water flowing off my body. "I love you Alex," he said as he pulled away, breathing deeply. "I love everything about you. Your imperfections, your flaws, your scars. I love them. I love you." My eyes began to water again, but he wiped them away with his hands. "Hey, no more crying, ok?" He leaned in for another kiss, my whole body erupting in heat. It felt like we were kissing in the rain, thunder and lighting from the wrath of the world striking everywhere but where we stood.
"I love you too," I said as the tears fell, choking up on my words. He held onto my face, brushing over the deep red scar on my face. Then he smiled, making my body melt into his. A thousand thoughts flooded my head, but they all faded away when I focused on him, when I turned my attention to him. I wanted him to give me something to haunt me for when he wasn't around, because every time I saw him smile, a firework show erupted around us.
It was just wrong enough to make it feel it right.
"Even if we can't find Heaven," he said, "I'll walk through hell with you, because you're not alone." Tears pooled in his eyes, and he grabbed the fur on my chest, holding it tightly. "I love you Alex, I love you so much." He took my hand and put it over his heart, it was beating rapidly. "It hurts so much to see you in pain, and I hate knowing there isn't anything I can do to make it better. But I'm always going to be here for you, I'm never going to leave you." He buried his face in my chest, crying softly. We each had our own problems, life wasn't fair to either of us.
️ ️ ️
All my scars are open…
"Is your dad ok with this?" I said as Steven threw some pillows onto my bed. He stopped for a moment, looking down at the ground.
"My dad is still at the police station where they...took you." He straightened his back, shutting the blinds to shield us from the street lights outside. "I don't really care what he thinks anymore. The fact that he was there and he didn't do anything to stop it...it just fills me with so much anger." He grabbed a pillow and threw it across the room, smacking it against the wall. "Whatever, not like he ever cared about me either."
"I just don't want you to get in trouble," I said.
Steven smiled. "I won't get in trouble. The only thing I'm worried about it is you. So if it means I have to spend the night to make sure you're ok, I don't think he'll mind too much." He sat on my bed, laying his head back and closing his eyes. His fur was still wet from the shower, wetting the shirt he wore which I wished he would take off again.
I laid down next to him, my body much bigger than his would ever be. Dad rewrapped the bandages on my arm after they slipped off from how soaked they were. The scars underneath were still red, still two thin lines which were never going to go away. Maybe they could be healed by Steven, or maybe they would just get worse with his presence. I couldn't tell, but the one thing I knew is that I wanted to be near him. He made me happy when there was no more happiness to feel.
"You're comfortable with me spending the night in your bed, right?" he said.
"Why wouldn't I be?" I said, scooting closer with our noses touching.
"Just making sure."
Silence engulfed my room as I leaned over and turned off the lamp, everything going dark. It only took a couple of minutes in the blackness for the sound of Steven's breathing to fill my ears. He was asleep, his eyes closed and a permanent smile on his face. I pulled him closer, his head rested on my chest. He was so warm, and I started to cry a little bit, tears watering in my eyes.
For so long all I wanted was love, for someone to see me for who I really was. I didn't want it to be my mom, I didn't want it to be my dad. I wanted it to be someone who I could lay next to, who I could turn to and kiss. Someone who understood me for me, someone who didn't care that I was broken inside and out, someone who truly loved me. And I finally had that.
For all my imperfections, for all my fatal flaws that had determined my mood-my actions, Steven was the one thing that remained constant. And I loved him for that-how could I not? He made me feel happy, he brought a warmth into my heart that I had lost long ago.
I wrapped my arms around him, my body heating up in places I didn't really want it to heat up in. I just wanted to hold him for the rest of my life, never letting go, watching him sleep peacefully. My hand reached to the top of his head, feeling up his furry ears, loving every part of him. He was mine, and I was his. I was going to love him unconditionally.
"Alex?" Steven said as his eyes opened slowly. "What are we?" I knew what he was asking, I knew eventually we would have to figure something out. But it was too soon, I had no idea what I wanted us to be-I had no idea what we were supposed to be. I didn't want to screw everything up in the trying times where we weren't even trying.
His breath was warm on my chest. "I don't know," I said, running my hand through the fur on his head, wanting the conversation to end. "What do you want us to be?" Still, I couldn't stop from thinking about what we should've been. Were we supposed to date? To show the world we were in a relationship? Was it so wrong for me to want to keep it under the radar?
Steven ran his hand up my shirt, feeling the fur on my chest. "I don't know what we're supposed to be. I like what we are, I like that nobody has to know what we do…" His voice trailed off. "But I know that love doesn't last...I know that this won't be forever."
"I want it to last forever," I said with a sigh.
"Me too."
The fan buzzed in my room, car lights passed the window, lighting up everything, from me, to him. Life would be nothing without him. My life would be cold again, it would be agonizing. I didn't want to learn to fight for myself, I didn't want to be alone again. I wanted him by my side forever. It didn't matter if I had to bring thunder, or send the world into the apocalypse. Nothing mattered if I couldn't be with him.
"Alex?" Steven said, lightly touching my face. "Would it be so wrong for us to...date? Like, to show the world who we truly are together?"
My voice cracked to life. "I-I don't even know what it means to love somebody...I don't even know what I'm feeling half of the time. When things get out of hand, or when I'm in a situation I can't control...I just...I just want to kill myself." Even if we were in the quiet of my bedroom, lights down low, nobody heard our conversation, but it still felt like I was confessing my problems to the rest of the world. "Everyone's going to see me as this big scary wolf who tried to eat a rabbit...nobody cares about anything else other than the surface."
"And I'm seen as this dog who looks happy on the outside," Steven said as he shifted closer to me, his chest slowly rising and falling with each breath he took. "Nobody cares what's on the inside, Alex. Animals don't look that deep, they judge based on what they see. In some ways, I pretend to be happy to show the world that they shouldn't fear me...and it works...I wish it didn't."
"Do you think...do you think I'll ever be ok again?" I said, turning my body to stare into his eyes.
He giggled. "Were you ever ok to begin with?"
"I don't think so," I said.
"Everyone has their own problems, some larger than others. Bottling up the emotions or whatever only makes life harder. Having you by my side makes me feel a little bit better, even if the problems still lurk like demons in the closet." Steven put his hands in the air. "I have claws just like you, they're smaller, probably less dangerous, but they're still there. I have fangs, I have instincts. Doesn't matter what I say or do, what I look like, what I act like, who I hang around with, I'm still gonna be a dog."
"I'd rather be a dog than a wolf," I said, clenching my fists underneath the thin bed sheets.
Steven closed his eyes and leaned back onto me. "Being a dog isn't so great either. I'm expected to be this larger than life animal who's supposed to 'change the world', when what I really want to do is just live my life without anyone telling me what to do, or how to do it. All my life animals have tried to steer me in different directions. Some want me to go into politics, some want me to be an engineer, something that's highly ranked or admired in society...but they never ask me what I want to do."
"Yeah but at least you're not feared by everybody," I said. "You don't have a lineage of eating herbivores and ruining lives. You don't have to live your life in fear because of what you are...I do. It's hard to just pretend like it's not a thing, like it doesn't bother me. I mean, look at Jordan, she's taking this whole carnivore thing to the next level. Unlike her, I have no redeeming qualities. I'm just a useless fucking wolf." My words were filled with spite, my thoughts returned to the interrogation room. My hands felt tied behind my back, my legs bound to the chair. "What purpose do I have? I don't do anything. All I do is try to kill myself and...and-"
"You may think you have no purpose in this world, like you feel like you don't belong. But please, trust me when I say that my life has improved for the better since you came along. I've always told myself that I was never going to find love, that it didn't matter. But Alex, you're the only exception. I love you."
I sighed. "I love you too."
Steven moved so he was sitting on top of me, and kissed me deeply. "I want…I want you. I can't hold it back anymore." My eyes grew wide as his dark silhouette kept kissing me, faster and faster. He tore off his shirt, kissing me again and again as he slipped his hands up my shirt, feeling the fur. My breathing started to increase, faster and faster. Heart was pounding in my ears, but I didn't want him to stop.
Are...are we actually doing this?
He lifted up my shirt, my back pressed against the wall. His hand slipped into my pants, blood shot up into my face, heart racing with adrenaline, with excitement for what was to come. I was tired of being afraid, of feeling helpless against the world. Who cared if I growled? Who cared if I, for just a moment, accepted myself as a wolf?
A low growl escaped my throat and Steven matched it with a laugh. "There's the wolf I've been looking for," he said with a seductive smile, tracing a line down my stomach. He kissed me again, holding my face in his hands as my tail tried to free itself from being stuck underneath my body. Steven pulled back, breathing in deeply. "Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your eyes are? I could stare into them all day." His hand brushed up against the bruises on my side and I winced. His shoulders slumped.
I ruined it again.
"I think you may have a broken rib," he said as he calmed his breathing, tenderly moving his fingers around my body. He touched every part of me, and it felt amazing, I couldn't ask for more, I didn't know if I could ask for more. My hand reached over to the lamp, turning it on and marveling at his brown colored chest. Definitely not as built as I was, somewhat slimmer and less rigid than anything else, but it didn't matter, he was mine, and I loved every part of him.
"I think," I said, swallowing hard, not caring that the lack of oxygen from barely breathing was blurring my vision, "I think the pants need to come off."
He leaned in to whisper in my ear, his breath warm against it as his voice was a low husky tone. "Mine, or yours?"
"Both," I said, panting heavily.
He slipped off the bed, standing over me, teasing me as he hooked his thumbs into his pants and slowly pulled down. There was a sizable bulge in his loose grey underwear, and he laid back on top of me. His fingers fiddled with the fly on my jeans, zipping them down and pulling them off as slowly as possible. A tiny gasp escaped my mouth, my heart wanting to beat out of my chest. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I fucking loved it.
My body tensed up at his touch, his fingers masterfully gilding across my body as he kissed me deeper and deeper. Our tongues were locked in a battle, both of them trying to fight for dominance. It was such a weird sensation, I wasn't used to it at all. My hands grabbed his sides, pulling him closer to my body. He nibbled at my ear, the slight sting of pain sending waves of pleasure throughout my body. His hand moved down my body slipping into my underwear which was becoming tighter by the second. I wanted to take them off, but I was shaking, unsure of how far he was willing to take this-how far I was willing to go.
Steven smiled as he kissed me, the light from the lamp illuminating his features. I couldn't stop myself from running my hands through the fur on his chest, feeling every inch of him, his musky scent tingling my nostrils. My hands were shaking so badly, breath hitching from every touch and every kiss. My whole body felt like it was going to explode with heat, like a volcano waiting to erupt. Pins and needles of pleasure swept all over my body as his claws dug into sensitive parts of my skin, poking and prodding which made me cover my mouth, muffling my quiet moans.
"How-how far do you want me to go?" he said breathlessly, taking in large gulps of air, his hands shaking over my body. I couldn't tell him that I wanted him to go all the way, to rip off the thin fabric that separated us. But it felt so amazing, his hands touching my body, our lips pressing together, I didn't want to tell him to stop. As much as I wanted to take off my underwear which was soaking wet, I feared the exposure. I had never been with another guy in my life before, I didn't know what I was supposed to do, and I didn't know if it was supposed to feel this good.
"All the way."
The animal inside of me threatened to break free, it needed to be released. I could feel it building up with each kiss, with each brush of the fingertips, with each gentle rock back and forth. It built up like a wall with multiple cracks, wanting to crash under the pressure, only staying up too keep the invaders out. There was only so much it could take-only so much I could take before it all came crashing down.
I didn't know I was allowed to feel this good, to have these constant waves of pleasure and ecstasy flush throughout my body. My underwear was already pulled back down to my thighs, his hand firm yet gentle around my sensitive dick. He stroked it softly, pressing his other hand against my chest as he kissed me again. There was only so much I could take before I climaxed everywhere, and he could tell. His pace quickened, stroke after stroke sent waves of pleasure through my body, kissing me after every little moan that left my mouth.
Is this really ok? I mean, I did try to kill myself just a couple of hours ago...isn't everything happening too fast?
The emotional high was just too much to bear, it was only a matter of time before I came everywhere, the sensation building up and falling. He wasn't going to let me off that easily, as he would completely stop as my dick throbbed, begging for it to be over.
"I-I don't think I can take much more," I said, breathing hard, gritting my teeth together. Steven leaned in close, planting another kiss on my mouth, surrounding my tongue with his as he did one final stroke, muffling the moan which so desperately wanted to leave my body. His fingers grazed my sensitive knot, sending me over the edge.
My hips thrusted forward, white ropes leaking down my dick, my breathing hitching, teeth gritting together. I gasped for air, claws pressing into his soft skin from the amount of pleasure I was feeling. It felt so amazing, I couldn't help but want more, couldn't help but want more of him.
"It-its feels so much better when someone else does it," I said, laying my arms lifeless to my sides, panting heavily. My whole body felt worn out, tired from the whole altercation. My eyes glanced down towards his crotch, his underwear was soaking wet and his dick partially stuck out. I pawed at it, but he pinned my hands back down.
"This was about making you feel better," he said as he laid his head on my chest. My eyes were heavy, body breathless from everything. It felt so good, so was it wrong for me to want more? I mean, I did try to kill myself, I tried to end everything.
I can't help myself.
I had told myself that I didn't want to do anything with him, that I wanted to wait for the perfect moment. But as I learned with our first kiss, new years eve, there was never going to be a perfect moment. And I was ok with that. We didn't do anything wrong, and my love for him only became stronger as he laid peacefully on my chest. He was so cute, his ears twitching and tail still wagging from the aftermath. I knew I needed to clean up, but I just wanted to lay with him for a little while longer.
️ ️ ️
I woke up to a putrid smell, burning off the senses in my nose. My nose wrinkled from the smell, Steven was still asleep on my chest, his arms wrapped around my body. Then I remembered what we did last night, and I felt some sort of disgust towards myself. I couldn't believe what we had done-what he had done to me. My parents were just in the other room, hopefully they didn't hear anything.
I'm a mess but, I'm the mess that you wanted.
Steven slowly rolled off of me, groaning from being woken up. "What time is it?" he said, rubbing his eyes and squinting from the smell. "Jesus, what is that...oh." He looked down at my partially exposed crotch. "Right…" his voice trailed off.
"Do you remember anything from last night?" I said, pulling up my underwear and getting off of the bed.
"Not...really." He scratched his head. "Are you doing ok?" he said, getting up to stand next to me. "I mean with everything that happened last night...you know...the police and everything."
I sighed, the scars and bruises still on my body. "I-I don't know. Maybe?"
"Maybe?" He glanced off to the side, rubbing his claws together. "Well...let's just get cleaned up."
I nodded. "Yeah, it smells horrible in here."
"Sorry about that," Steven said, kicking the clothes on the floor. "One thing led to another and I...I couldn't stop myself. I just wanted you to feel something other than self-loathing for once. I'm sorry." He hung his head in shame and I chuckled.
"Don't be, you didn't try to use me for your own personal gain or anything. Besides, I do feel better." I couldn't have said a better lie. "Anyways," I said, shifting the conversation, "I'm gonna take a shower. If my parents find you...um...just," I went over to my closets, sifting through the various grey-scale colors, "here." I pulled out a black hoodie and some track pants. "Throw these on for now, we can wash your clothes later. They would be more suspicious if I was in my underwear than you wearing my clothes." Steven seemed content with that and I rushed to the bathroom, closing the door behind me and locking it.
Holy shit did I really do that last night? Oh my God, what the fuck is going on?!
My brain hurt as I tried to put the pieces together. I remembered every detail from last night, from him to touching me, to... everything else. I let out a groan, scolding myself for not being careful enough, for not taking into consideration his feelings.
Oh God, what have I done?
A shower, that's what I need, a shower.
I turned on the nozzle and stepped in, warm water hitting my fur in all the right spots. Stepping out only met my body with cold, a sense of guilt and despair, something I was all too familiar with. I hated it, I didn't want to feel it anymore. But I couldn't help it. When I looked into the mirror and saw the purple bruises, it only brought my mind back to that night.
The scissors were still on the bathroom counter, and I breathed in deeply, taking them in my hand. "Alex?" Steven's voice broke through the silence in my mind. "I'd like to...you know...shower." I hid the scissors in the bottom drawer, they still had blood on them, and opened the door with a towel around my waist. "Damn, remind me to catch you out of the shower more often," he said, pushing past me. "Don't worry, I found a towel in one of the closest over there." He shut the door behind me with a smile, and Mom came around the corner.
"Did you guys stay up late playing video games or whatever?" she said, folding towels in her hands.
"Y-yeah," I said, quickly rushing into my room.
"Well I hope you two had fun."
I closed the door behind me, breathing deeply from the whole situation. I almost had sex with my boyfriend...was he even my boyfriend? And worst of all, he was taking a shower because of what we did last night. I leaned my head back in agony, wanting more of last night, but also hating it.
I hated it, and I loved it.
I walked over to the bed, taking the sheets in my hand and smelling them. "Dear God!" I yelled, throwing them on the ground and covering my mouth.
Fuck! How am I going to wash these without Mom or Dad knowing?
Dad opened the door, breaching my privacy, immediately shielding his eyes because my towel had fallen off.
Speak of the devil.
"Sorry Dad!" I said, covering myself up and tossing the sheets in the corner. He couldn't have seen it cause his eyes were covered. Perfect way for me to hide the evidence. "Ok you can open your eyes now."
"Wow," he said. "Never mind…" his voice trailed off and he studied the cracks in the wall. "There's...something I want to talk to you about. And I'm just going to say it because I know you don't like to hear this," he took a deep breath, "I don't care if you have sex with Steven, but just be quiet about it."
My eyes went wide in shock. "We-we didn't do anything, I swear!"
Dad sighed. "Alex, I've known you your whole life. I've changed your diapers and I know when you're lying. Now I'm not saying that you did anything, but I know something happened last night." He sighed again, not sure how to express his words. "Look I know you are depressed, and what you did last night...well...if Steven prevents that from happening...I don't care what you do with him."
"We didn't do anything," I said in the best non-lying voice I could.
Dad threw his hands up in surrender. "Ok, but I know he's taking a shower right now and your room smells horrible. Put on some clothes." He smiled as he closed the door.
Stevens' shirt was still on the floor, and I picked it up, sniffing it lightly. It smelled just like him, and I stuffed it in my drawer, hoping he wouldn't find it, telling myself that he could just wear one of my shirts, even if they were two sizes larger.
Heat ran through my body and I couldn't stop smiling. Steven made me happy, he took away the pain, the suffering. The past couldn't haunt me if he was with me. Maybe I just needed to learn to let it all go, to forget and forgive. The bandages were still on my arm, but they didn't seem as scary anymore.
Then my thoughts rummaged through the back of my mind, reminding me that I still needed to go back to school. As much as I didn't want to face my demons, to exercise them out of my body and send them off into the universe, I had to do it. School was just another band-aid I would have to rip off. But as long as Steven was by my side, it was going to be ok.
No more monsters, I can breathe again.