POV: Alex

I'm not proud of who I am.

"Ow!" Sydney yelled as my claws accidentally scratched her arm. Three thin lines appeared, deep and red.

"Oh my gosh!" I said, carefully grabbing her arm and looking at the damage. "Are-are you ok?"

She sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine." She shook her arm. "Just hurts a little."

Mom came rushing out the door and over towards us. She immediately spotted Sydney and I, playing in the backyard. She took my hand in hers, feeling over my tiny claws. "Looks like we need to get these cut again." She turned to look at Sydney, her expression softening. "Are you ok? Come on, let's get that fixed up."

"What happened this time?" Dad barked as we entered the house. My head was hung low, hiding my hands behind my back and shifting my weight from foot to foot. He scoffed and walked over to me as Mom took Sydney into the bathroom. He grabbed my arms, tightening his grip as fear filled my eyes. "I thought I told you to trim your claws! What the hell were you thinking!?" Tears manifested in my eyes, but I held them back, knowing what he would've done. He rolled his eyes, pulling me towards the other bathroom. As much as my body wanted to pull back, to fight him...I just couldn't.

"I didn't mean it," I said in a whisper. "It was an accident."

"It's always a fucking accident, Alex! Next time it isn't going to be just a cookie cutter accident!" He picked me up and set me on the counter, frustration in his breath. He found the clippers and grabbed my hand forcefully, carelessly clipping each claw.

"It hurts," I whimpered. He was never the best at cutting my claws, and little drops of blood fell onto the floor.

"Shut up," he scowled. He clipped the rest of my claws until they were whittled down, stinging as I moved my fingers. "There." I hopped off the counter and he leaned down to meet my gaze, digging his nails into my collarbone. "If this happens again, there will be hell to pay. Do I make myself clear?" My throat choked up, leaving my response to be silence. He took his hand and swung it across my face. "I said, do I make myself clear? " His voice was dangerously low.

"Yes," I squeaked out.

He rolled his eyes and stood up, pushing me onto the floor as he walked by. "Clean up the blood while you're at it."

️ ️ ️

The air was cold, February fast approaching. The shingles of the roof scraped my legs a couple of times, but I was used to the pain. I was sitting alone, breathing in the night air. Stars twinkled like they always did, the moon shining full, clouds never blocking its radiant glow. I sighed, burying my face in my knees, just wanting to find peace in my war torn life. But was peace ever an emotion I was going to feel? Was I only going to feel it because of the emotions I pushed down? Being haunted by the past was just a regular thing for me, I couldn't let it go, despite all the times I told myself that I was going to.

I groaned, my tail wagging, thinking back to the night with Steven. It was perfect, and weird at the same time. Telling myself I didn't want it to happen again was a lie, because I wanted to do it again. I just didn't know how far I would take it, how far I was really willing to go with everything. I mean, I wanted us to be in a relationship, I wanted us to be happy. I just didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I was allowed to.

The creaking of the back door pulled me out of my thoughts. Dad walked outside, arms over his chest. "What are you doing out here so late? It's freezing."

"I'm just...thinking," I said, moving my legs to get down. Dad sighed and held up a hand, stopping me as he grabbed the ladder by the side of the house, using it to climb up. He sat down next to me, rubbing his hand in circles on my back, gazing out towards the moon.

"Sometimes we all need to take some time to think," he said as he crossed his legs. Another breeze blew through, my fur following its path and my shirt wrinkling. There wasn't really anything I wanted to say to him, there wasn't a whole lot to say to him. He had apologized for everything he had done in the past, and actively supported me, doing whatever he could to show that he loved me. For all of his flaws, for all of his imperfections and torment he put me through; he was still my dad. And maybe it was a fatal flaw of mine to forgive someone for being so cruel. And maybe I wasn't supposed to. But through my struggles, he was there.

I laid my head on his shoulder, staring out into the midnight sky. "I love you, Dad," I said.

"I love you too," he said as he wrapped his arms around me, engulfing me with warmth. I began to cry softly, wanting the pain to go away. But it was never going to go away, it was always going to be there.

"I'm sorry," I said through tears. "I'm sorry for everything I've put you through."

Sometimes I'd rather hurt, than feel nothing at all.

"Alex, no," he said as he held me tighter. "No, don't feel sorry. You've done nothing wrong-"

"But I have done something wrong!" I said, pulling away. "I've tried to kill myself so many times, and so many times I never tried to stop myself." I cried into my hands, choking through my words. "I-I hate feeling like this, and it's all the time! I don't know how to stop it, and I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine when it's not!" I sunk back into the pit in my stomach, the pit filled with dark, horrible thoughts. "Why do you even care? Why does anyone even care?"

He took my hand, holding it tightly. "Because I have hope for the future. You're going through the worst part of your life right now. It could get better, or it could get worse. But with all the crap you've been through, with all the shit you've taken, you lived. You're here talking to me, on the roof of our house no less. And I'm here with you. I don't need apologies, Alex. I just want you to know that you're worthy of happiness. I'll take your bad days with your good, I'll walk through the storm with you no matter what, because I love you. I have to hope that in the end, everything will turn out ok."

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars.

"Why?" I implored, looking into his eyes. "Why do you love me? Why does anyone love me?"

Dad closed his eyes, no doubt in my mind that his heart was racing just as fast as mine was. He opened them back up, and spoke softly, his words flowing with the wind. "I messed up, badly. I messed up in every way a parent could. I broke something so close to my heart, and I threw it away like scrap metal.

"I always told myself that I was different, that I was going to make a difference, do something important. But I ended up screwing up the most important thing in my life, just because of some stupid little fear that had no business being there in the first place." Dad sighed. "You know, you tell yourself you're going to do it better, you're going to be a better parent. That, even though your life sucked, you can make your children's lives better." He lowered his gaze towards the grass below. "To be completely honest, I don't really know what to do anymore. Each day I wake up terrified for what you might do, anxieties trickling through the days. It never really leaves, no matter how many times I convince myself, that for at least today, you're alive. There's this stupid light at the end of the tunnel, but I feel like I'm walking away from it, never reaching the end."

As he talked, as he went on about his life and...whatever he was talking about, I was busy wondering If I would die if I jumped off the roof. It wasn't that high up, but with my height, it looked taller than it actually was. It was just a passing thought...I think. But passing thoughts weren't supposed to stay, they were supposed to come and go. This one stuck, never leaving.

"Dad?" I asked. "Do you think I would die if I jumped off the roof?"

He stopped his monologue, looking at me in surprise, which drained from his face when he finally understood what I was saying. "No...you won't die. I don't think you'd even break any bones. You'd be perfectly fine."

"It's just a daily struggle, Dad, " I said, bringing up my knees to my chest. "Just something I always think about, even during the good times."

"I know," he said, "we'll get you help."

We spent the rest of the night on the roof, the cold, comforting wind bringing us closer together. Depression was more than just what the schools told you it was. It wasn't just feeling sad, or down, or whatever they wanted to call it. It was this lingering sadness, this lingering hatred towards yourself. Each day you wake up thinking it's going to be better than yesterday, but it never is. It's somehow worse, it's never better. You constantly think about things from the past, dumb decisions that you just can't seem to accept and let go. Life goes on for everyone else around you, but for you, you're stuck in this in between. Happiness comes, it's not completely gone. Maybe you feel it in the presence of friends or family. But just as quickly as it comes, it goes, never staying.

"Learn to let go." Everyone tells you. "Just get over it," they say. But it's not something you can just get over. It's not something that just passes through the town, nodding to strangers, then leaving. It unpacks its bags in the motel, then ends up staying forever, or however long it decides. Medication and therapy can help but...it's not an instant fix.

Punch after punch, blow after blow; you get back up. No matter how many times you tell yourself you're ok, when you know you're not ok. You still get up in the morning, the sun still shines in your face, and the world moves on.

"I love you Dad," I said, but my words were unheard. He was asleep on my shoulder, the sun peeking out from underneath the horizon, greeting us good morning.

So peaceful and quiet.

️ ️ ️

Some would say love comes in many forms. Others, well, they would say it's not so simple. How was I supposed to know though? I had just recently found out what love was—rather, what it felt like to love someone. It was an entirely new emotion, an entirely new set of neurons that my brain had to create on its own. It wasn't something that I just inherently knew. It was something I had to learn.

I liked to say that love, and its many forms, holds most special in a place. A spot where you can sit and watch the memories flash by, like a movie or musical. Some places for animals were jukebox musicals, others were dark, depressing, gritty films that held lots of actions. But mine? Mine was a street. A simple street. A street where I first held hands with someone. A street I used to run down with my sister, passing by animals as they watched in horror, a wolf and a red deer. It was my place, my street.

So, as I sat in the café on Cornelia Street, animal-watching, sipping my drink in rhythm with my heart beat, I began to wonder; how would it be different? How would one simple change...change everything? All of the memories, all of the good times and moments that seemed unimportant to others, but meaningful to me. How would it all change, if something different had happened?

What if I lost Steven that time on the plaza? What if Dad had never held my hand as we went to Dr. Shermans? I was terrified what would happen if it all came crashing down, if everything blew up. Would I ever be able to walk Cornelia Street again? Would I ever be able to memorize the cracks in the concrete, count the windows on each apartment building, and listen to the sound of tires against rough roads? It all brought a deep sadness into my heart, sadness that I was so used to, sadness which I wished would leave.

"I love you," I whispered into the thin air.

"What's that?" Jordan asked as she sat down, putting her purse below her and scooting her chair in, her vintage cardigan flaring in the wind.

"Nothing," I said, shifting my attention to her. When was the last time I had talked to her, had a meaningful conversation with her? When was the last time we got to talk, together, one on one, no animals around to bother us, no Steven to distract me? Everything had been laid out on the table. We knew each other's struggles, we knew each other's weaknesses. So why was my throat tensing up when she spoke? Why was my tail curling around my legs as she took a sip from her water?

"Well, you know me," she said, "no beating around the bush, so I'm just going to say it. The school is considering expelling you for trying to save that rabbit."

"But I didn't do anything," I said blankly.

She sighed, rolling her head back. "Of course I know that, but not everyone is so convinced."

"Even with that rabbit's statement?"

"Yes, Alex. Even with that rabbit's statement. Nobody...nobody trust you."

What else is new?

It's cause I'm a wolf, that's why nobody trusts me.

I mean, I'm frightened by my own reflection.

"Oh well," I said, sighing. "It doesn't matter." I looked off to the side, resting my head in my palm.

Jordan pursed her lips. "Doesn't matter?" she said. "Doesn't matter?!" she said again, her voice steadily rising. "Alex, do you even care!?"

"Not...not really," I said with a heavy sigh. As much as I liked being around her, I thought we were here to discuss something else other than school. It was the last thing I wanted to worry about, I honestly didn't care. I was over it, over the pain it caused, over the places I had been in. I wanted to walk away from it all.

Jordan stood up, her hands pressed against the table. "I made a promise to you that I intend to keep! I don't care if you don't care! You're going back to school!"

"I see you're back to your old ways."

Her angry expression faltered, eyebrows lowered. "What?"

"Don't act stupid, Jordan." There was poison in my words, and I had no understanding as to why. "You freak out if something doesn't go exactly as you plan. You get angry at the smallest situations and you never let shit go."

She crossed her arms. "I don't let shit go because it's important to me- you're important to me."

"Well then you've made a poor decision on that part," I said, getting up from my chair, but she matched my action.

"Oh hell no. You're not leaving so soon."

"Don't make a scene."

"I will make a scene!" she shouted, everyone glancing in our direction. "What the hell has gotten into you? Why are you acting like this?"

I scoffed. "Why do you even care?"

"Because I love you," she said, trying to grab my hand, but I kept it close to my side. "Please, just tell me what's wrong. I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever. Things happen and you just leave, you leave us behind."

"Maybe it's because I don't want to have to deal with you!" I said spitefully. "Maybe it's because I'm tired of the 'poor Alex, he has no friends,' or the 'I'll make sure nothing happens to him this time!' I'm sick of it!"

"Alex!" Jordan pleaded as I moved past her to leave. "Don't do this...don't leave again."

"Learn to let it go," I said over my shoulder. "You're better off without me anyway."

Light snow crunched beneath my feet, dirty from the earth. The walk home was...depressing. A school bell rang in the distance, elementary from the children who ran out of its glass doors, wearing their winter attire. They all walked together, talking about their day and whatever they were going to do for the weekend. They were friends...they were all friends. Except for one small gazelle in the back who left the school once everyone was gone. She wasn't wearing any gloves and she was shivering, her backpack close to her body.

As she made her way through the snow which covered their sidewalk chalk, another kid, a wolf, came up to her, his tail between his legs. His fur matched the color of the snow, but even with his already terrifying presence as a carnivore, even with his fangs and claws, he still kept a smile on his face. The gazelle flinched back as he approached, but he took off his gloves and handed them to her. The gazelle hesitantly took them, pulling them over her shaking hands and smiling. Then they walked off together.

Jordan.

I sighed, turning away, Jordan clouding my mind. The sky was a light shade of pink as the sun made its way over the sky. I always ruined everything, that was the only thing I was good at. Ruining lives and never saying sorry. Even if animals said I apologized too much, I never apologized for the things that truly mattered. And the thing that mattered to me most, was Jordan.

Walking through the trees that hang over the road, tail swaying in the wind, a familiar snow leopard caught my attention. She kept a hand in her pocket, the other, on her phone, tapping mercilessly at the screen. That is, until a car drove past and she looked over to the side, straight into my eyes. We stared at each other for a moment, before a smile came across her face. I tried to force myself to look away, that I was done with her, that everything was over. But why'd I have to break what I loved so much?

She crossed the road, never even checking both ways to see if a car was coming. "Hey," she said as she stepped up onto the curb, feet sinking in mushy grass.

"Hi," I replied.

"Can I walk you home?"

I wanted to tell her I'd rather be alone. "Sure."

We matched each other's pace, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

I just want to feel something, but I keep feeling nothing.

"You know," Jordan said, "I often felt like I was a prisoner in my head. Every time I looked at you, every time I talked to you, I just...couldn't stop thinking about you. I did everything to make you love me, so I could feel alive. But I guess that's just the world we're living in, isn't it?" She chuckled. "I know I should walk away from it all, the feelings, the heart wrenching, gut wrenching feelings that torment me everyday." She patted my shoulder. "But I think I'll stay."

"You don't have to," I said, keeping my head low.

"I know I don't have to, I don't have to do anything for you." She shrugged her shoulders as we rounded a corner. "But I guess that's just my fatal flaw. I care about animals more than I care about myself sometimes. We all have expectations, and for me, they usually go wrong. They tell me, 'think with your head, not with that thing in your chest.' but it's easier said than done.

"We may fight, have disagreements, possibly hate each other for a while. But that doesn't change the fact that you're my friend, I'm going to be there for you, even in your worst of times. And even if you don't do the same, even if you walk away and forget about me, I'm still going to be there for you." Wind blew through our coats, and Jordan walked just a little bit closer to me, silence filling the air. "You must think I'm crazy or desperate to have a friend; not caring whatever happens, not recognizing the red flags." She chuckled. "It's funny, when you see the world through rose colored glasses, all the red flags look like flags." She sighed, taking my hand in hers as we walked. "Your red flags are grey, you're normal. You have feelings, you get hurt, and...you do things you regret. But that doesn't make you bad, it doesn't make you any less of an animal. I just want you to know," she said, squeezing my hand, "that you're special to me. Even if you push me away, even if I fight back and turn back to my normal self; I don't care. Because I'm always going to be here for you."

"I know," I said after a few moments of silence, whispers in the wind that brought me back to that night. "I know I'm not ok...I know that. I just feel like walking away will fix everyone's problems. If everyone just forgot about me, maybe nobody will have to suffer because of me."

"Alex," Jordan said, "nobody's suffering because of you. Can't you see that you've done the opposite? Think of me, of Nathan, Dalton, and Steven. You've made our lives better, when we were already insecure about them in the first place. You came into our lives, and showed us what it's like to be normal, what society wants us to be, and how we're not like that. We have feelings, we have emotions. I'm only sorry that it took an act so de-animalizing to show that to everyone. But trust me when I say this, I wouldn't be the animal I am now without you."

I just want to feel something, but I keep feeling nothing.

"You're my friend, Alex," she said. "Even when the world comes crashing down, even when you feel like you can't go on anymore, I'll be there. So, let me see you smile."

"Smile? No...that's ok."

"Oh come on," she teased. "I know you can do it, you've done it before. Let me see those teeth!" She flashed a smile and I tilted my head in response. "God, you're hopeless. Here," she grabbed the sides of my face and pulled back, exposing my fangs to the bitter wind. "On second thought, keep those covered," she said with a giggle then patted my cheek. "You know, you are actually quite scary."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I said with a chuckle, the anger from before washing away.

She shrugged. "I mean, you have those claws, fangs, and to top it all off, you're pretty big. It's not a bad thing though, just makes seeing the real you even better." I couldn't help it, I actually smiled. "There it is," she said, matching it. "See? Not too hard." She took a deep breath, letting it out, breath visible in the air, fur matching the snow. I felt guilty looking into her eyes, knowing what I said a while back, knowing how it must've hurt her. How could I have done that? Why did I ruin everything?

"Alex," Jordan said, tilting your head. "If you're wondering, which I know you are, you didn't ruin anything. It's gonna take a lot more than a little fight to send this cat running...I think I've told you that before." She looked up into the air thoughtfully. "Or maybe I didn't, honestly I don't know anymore with all the crap that's going on."

Time to bring up school.

"Am I really being expelled?" I said, knowing it was going to be harder to see Steven if I got expelled. Jordan took in another deep breath, looking off to the side.

"They are...but I'm gonna try and stop them!" she said with a burst of enthusiasm. "I'll try to convince the student council, but it's probably going to be more than just the student council. But don't freak out! Jordan's got this covered." She struck a pose, hand on hip and smirk on her face. "If there's one thing I'm good at," she said, looking at her nails, "it's convincing animals to help me out."

"In a good way, right?"

She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Of course in a good way! What do you think I am? Brittney?" She flinched backwards at the word.

My smile wouldn't leave my face, and I wanted to cry. Why did she like me? Why did she want to be my friend? Why did she care about me?

Her expression turned more serious. "What happened to you-what's happening to you is just...a shit show. The game got rigged, the ref got tricked, the wrong ones think they're right and you were outnumbered. But not anymore. They think it's over, but it's just begun." She smirked. "Let the games begin." Her voice turned low.

"You know, for calling me scary, you can be quite scary too," I said as we continued our walk to my house, tail wagging behind me.

She did a shoulder shrug, the smirk still on her face. "Of course I am, I have to be."

"But do you want to be?" I asked.

"Not really," she said with a sigh, "but what else can I do? I have to act like this to get animals to take me seriously. Maybe one day I'll be able to go back to normal Jordan, but I think I'm in too deep with this whole reputation thing." She clenched her fists. "The finish line is so close, just a couple more months and the school is freed from Brittney." Then she laughed, it sounded more forced than natural. "But what the fuck do I know? I'm just a small brained carnivore with the natural instinct to eat herbivores."

It was an accident to ask, but I felt like we were close enough. "Have...have you ever had that urge to eat...you know, an herbivore?"

Jordan stuffed her hands in her pockets, head low. "No...not yet. I try not to think about it, cause I know if I dwell on it too much, it'll happen. I hope that when it does happen, nobody's around for me to hurt, and I hope you're there."

"Why me?"

She looked me dead in the eye, stopping our walk, stopping the peaceful stroll through the overhang of trees and soft crunch of shoes against snow covered concrete. "That you're there to stop me-to kill me if it comes to that. If I ever become aggressive, if I ever take things too far...I want you there. I'd rather it be you then anyone else."

"That's never going to happen," I said, grabbing her shoulders. "I won't let it happen. I'm not going to kill you just because of your selfless tendencies."

She caressed my cheek. "You're sweet Alex, but I've already made up my mind. Hopefully it doesn't come to that."

"I won't let it," I said, my tone dark.

She smiled, tears watered in her eyes. "I know you won't let it, that's why I told you...I love you"

"I love you too," I said, the only emotion being felt was concern. Not concern for any animal if she were to go feral, but concern for her. I didn't understand how the whole election was taking a toll on her, or maybe it was because she didn't know what would happen if I was expelled, if Brittney would win again. I hated thinking about it, about Jordan attacking someone, and me...having to stop her. She wanted me to kill her, but I was never going to kill her. I coulndt do it. How could she ask that of me? The questions only asked more questions.

"Well," she said with a deep heavy sigh, "let's get you home. How far is it from here?"

"Like, one or two miles?"

"TWO MILES?"