A/N: Yay, another chapter! We're actually getting very close to Alexandria, and I'm so fucking excited! I hope you enjoy it, and please review!
Cheers!
Day 517
Traveling across the states was challenging. Something that in the old days would take about nine hours took us nearly three weeks. We had to turn around more than once because roads were blocked by either abandoned vehicles or too many walkers. We were able to scavenge more gas, but food and water proved to be a challenge. The closer we got to Virginia, the less we could find.
Regardless our spirits were high, at least for most of us, while others pretended and hid their worries. And worried we should. Because nothing could prepare us for what Rick and others found in Richmond. So let me tell you.
Nothing. Zero. Fucking nada. All they found were dissembled bodies, walkers, and... more walkers. And when they radioed back for the second time, telling us to take kids and Sasha away, we all held our breaths. Is it cold-hearted of me that I didn't cry when they carried motionless Tyreese out of the car? My heart was pumping fast, with anger, adrenaline, and sadness, but we lost so many already that it was hard to cry again.
Sasha did. For a few hours after that, she held onto her brother's body, shaking and sobbing, while Oscar and Daryl dig the grave on the side of the road. And I will admit with a shame that while others grieved, preparing for burial, Rick, Merle, and I stood to the side discussing our next move. Because it was heartbreaking, and Tyreese didn't deserve what happened to him, not like that, but we had to keep moving.
I remember when we were on the road last time. Eight fucking months, but it was still early on with supplies and in a reasonably familiar area. Now, most of us were hundreds of miles away from home, a year and a half into the apocalypse, and the hope was crumbling faster. The question I was asking myself before we found the prison popping into my mind.
How long is too long out here? How long until we barely blink when one of us dies? I was starting to think that for me, that time was nearly here.
Two days after Tyreese passed away, we run out of gas in the RV, and no matter how hard we would try, there was no way that the van we found back in Atlanta would fit twenty people. We kept going, ditching the vehicles in the middle of the road, packing essentials into scarce packs we had, pushing towards Washington. Yeah, we decided that it might as well be an option. There were few residential areas on the outskirts which I knew about, and it was as good of a plan as any. And at the moment we didn't have anything else. I was hoping to get to some secured neighborhood. And if that would be a bust as well, I already talked to Rick about pushing further east, towards the coast.
But that was not an issue. The issue was getting there. Because right now, we were day two into walking on the road towards Washington, and it was crystal fucking clear that we were in the middle of nowhere. Just forest, occasional chirping of birds, and that's it. Even game was hidden from us, either already in their winter sleep or further into the woods, but we didn't want to stop too much to check it. So we had few protein bars left, a can of beans, and barely any water.
From the good news, I managed to make a new bow, the exact supplies I used eons ago back in the quarry still sat at the bottom of my backpack. And yes, this time, I let Carl help me. I promised him that we could make one for him when we find a safer location and more materials for strings. But we also didn't see a lot of game, every bird we stumbled upon fleeting before we could get it, so I had a bow but no arrows.
This morning before leaving our camp, we spread out, trying to find any water or food. Preferably both, but of course, that was a little bit of wishful thinking. All there was, were dry leaves, decreasing temperature, and apparently dead frogs. Altogether, we had three small plastic bags, which I tried to use but so far, collecting morning dew was more challenging than I thought.
And so we walked, and my heart squeezed every time I looked down on Lucy, who was currently in my arms. Her lips were dry and cracked in places, and every so often, she complained about being hungry. I tried to console her as much as I could and saved water in my canteen for her. Daryl was walking next to Rick for a while, and a soft sigh escaped my lips. I was pushing him away recently, ever since Richmond. We stayed by each other's sides during the nights and occasionally while we walked, but he led another group every time we searched for resources, and I barely spoke to him.
What could I say? I knew him; he was kicking and pushing himself to the exhaustion just to find us something to eat or drink. And how could I tell him that I feel responsible? We should've tried harder on the way to Washington. I should calculate better, make sure we would go and check more places for supplies, and that we have more gas. I should prepare us better than this, stuck in the middle of a fucking side road with trees on each side and nothing on the horizon.
My eyes watched as Daryl passed the rifle to Rick and then strode away towards the woods, Carol and Beth following quickly after him. I blinked a few times and ran a tongue over my teeth. Now he had two women other than me following him. It's you who pushes him away.
True. I glanced over my shoulder quickly and realized that the geeks were closing the distance on us, and soon, maybe in an hour, they would be on us unless we deal with it or speed up. The second option seemed hard to do. I walked briskly to Merle and nudged his shoulder.
"Can you hold her for a while?" I asked him, passing the sleepy girl to him. Older Dixon also stopped cracking jokes, a little more somber and deflected than usual.
"Sure, Doll. Come 'ere Lulu. Ya and uncle Merle will have fun, right?" Lucy didn't reply, but she circled her little arms around his neck, smiling tiredly into his neck.
I pushed one strap of the backpack of my shoulder, bringing the pack to my front, untangling binoculars from where I strapped them to. Shifting the pack back, I twisted, stopping for a moment, having a proper glance behind us—twenty-two walkers, lovely. I huffed and mustered my strength, pushing towards the front, passing the others, until I reached Rick. Not saying anything, I looked ahead through the device and gave it silently to the sheriff. He glanced down at me and then brought binoculars up, checking the view, sighing heavily as he did so.
"We have to. They will get to us in about an hour at our current speed. That gives us higher ground you were looking for," I told him quietly, and he nodded, clearing his throat, checking the view in front of us again.
"We need to be smart. Not waste bullets and our strength."
"Carl, Axel and Noah will stay with the girls. Rosita and Tara will protect Eugune and the Priest. The rest of us will spread on each side of the bridge, luring them and pushing them down the slope."
"We should be able to get most of them before they get too cramped up."
"Exactly."
"OK, go get Noah and Axel to the front, and push others to go faster. We can get there, set out things down, and get ready," Rick finished, and I nodded, taking binoculars back and pulling the strap over my head, letting it sit below my breasts.
Quickly I rounded others, urging them forward, gaining myself few grumpy comments, but as soon as I mentioned that we have to take care of the small herd that followed us, they seemed to walk faster.
Shortly after that, we stood on the bridge, checking out the ravine, which wasn't as deep as I thought, but would do the job. Rick pushed Carl forward to the other side of the bridge, tasking him with keeping girls safe; our bags threw on the ground around them. Daryl and the women were still in the woods, so it was only ten of us doing it.
The plan was simple, really—five of us on each side, luring walkers towards us. Lead them in a way, so they fell down the slope, or push walkers down if necessary. Don't engage. I should've known that our plans rarely go well.
Rick and Abraham went first, pushing the walkers down and swiftly switching positions with Maggie and Michonne. Both of them were smarter or simply luckier, as they managed to sidestep the geeks, so they tumbled down by themselves. Glenn dealt quickly with the walker closest to our side, and we already switched places when we heard a hushed yell from Michonne.
"Sasha!"
I didn't have time to see what was happening, my geek was on me, and I gripped its arm, twisting when he reached for me, mustering my strength and pushing it forward, towards the rift.
I wiped my forehead with the sleeve of my jacket when Rick hissed loudly enough for us to hear.
"Stay in line. Flank her."
A quick glance to my left was Sasha, with her knife in walker's eye, yet still holding on to it. I pulled out my machete and rushed forward while Katana and Red got around the Black women, holding off other geeks. Heavier and slower on my feet than usual, I turned to the right, slashing at the closest walker and moving towards the next one.
It might have been the fact that I didn't eat anything in nearly two days and had only a few sips of water since yesterday. Maybe it was because I didn't sleep well since Richmond. Or even both combined together, but my reflexes were slower than on a good day, and I completely missed the walker that slipped past Rick. Others were dealing with the rest of the herd, and so when a women geek in a torn summer dress slammed into me, trying to bite on my shoulder while I was stabbing another one, I just tumbled to the ground.
My blood rushed quickly through my veins, and my breath hitched when I landed painfully on top of the male geek I just took down, my hunting knife getting knocked down to the ground. My shoulder was throbbing, and I couldn't think straight. The walker behind me stumbled and quickly followed, and I barely managed to turn before she fell on me. Holding onto her shoulders, I pushed as hard as I could, a cry of pain and urgency fleeing my lips.
I was bitten, and now she will finish her job. I treated Daryl like shit for the past few days, and now I'll leave him and Lucy and Merle...
I could feel myself getting weaker, my arms shaking violently when the geek pushed onto me. I blinked rapidly when the weight was lifted off of me, worried Glenn right above me, while Oscar was stabbing the walker in the head. I gasped and noticed that they're both talking, but all I could hear was my loud, fast-beating heart.
Panting, and whimpering I scrambled to my feet, swaying slightly, but when Oscar grabbed my arm to stabilize me, I pushed him away. With trembling hands, I undid my leather jacket, shoving it to the ground. Tugging, and pulling I nearly ripped the buttons of my flannel, pushing it off my shoulders as well, leaving me only in my black cotton bra. I could feel the pain, but I couldn't see it when I looked to the side.
"Am I bit?" I turned to Glenn, my voice cold and monotone, the complete opposite of my rapid actions.
"What?" He stumbled over his words, avoiding looking at me, and my eyes darted to Oscar.
"Doll, whatcha doin'?" Merle came rushing to my side, his eyes narrowing at my nakedness, and I gripped his shirt tightly.
"My fucking shoulder. She got me. I felt it. Am I fucking bit or not?" I finally yelled, gathering the attention of others, some gasping at my outburst. There were no more growling noises, and everyone stood around, panting, wiping sweat off their faces while looking at me with round eyes.
"Show me," Merle said softly, gently turning me around by my elbow. I closed my eyes, breathing in harshly when his finger traced the back of my left shoulder, where the pain was coming from. Well, that's it—no way of cutting it off.
"El!" Daryl's yell notified me of his presence, his hand coming to my face, and finally, I opened my eyes, staring into deep pools of blue. He was frightened, I could tell, his expression lost with wide, scared eyes, looking at Merle over my shoulder.
"Well? Am I?" I whispered and felt Merle lean in, his forehead resting on top of my head, his hand squeezing my upper arm tighter.
"No," He breathed out, and I gasped, finally a soft sob leaving my mouth, when I collapsed into Daryl's arms.
"Shh, shh. Ya're fine. It's alright," He was telling me, pulling me closer to his body, while I shook silently, relief washing over me in waves. For the first time in a long time, I was this scared. I didn't want to die, not like that. And while Daryl murmured soft words of consolation into my ears, I whispered my apologies in return. For shutting him off, for not speaking, for not being strong enough.
Day 518
I woke early, right before the sunrise, softly pushing myself off the cold ground, bringing my jacket tighter to myself. Further, we went towards Washington, colder it got, mid-November making me remember Christmas time while I lived here. Daryl stirred next to me, and he wrapped his hand around Lucy, who slept between us to keep her as warm as possible. I smiled at that view, my heart warming and speeding up momentarily. He was really good with her, patient, answering all questions she had as best as he could.
Red and Axel were on the watch, the latter nodding in my direction when I stood up slowly, collecting my weapons. Carol also was awake, adding loose twigs to the slowly dying fire in the middle of our makeshift camp. The remains of last night's meal next to her, placed on our cleanest rag. Silently I moved towards her, crouching beside her, sending her a tired smile.
"You gave us a scare yesterday," She whispered, and a twig of pain shoot through my body.
"I know. I scared myself," I answered simply.
"He misses you. Worries."
I didn't have to ask who she was talking about, and I sighed, nodding sharply.
"I know. I- 'll talk to him later today. Can you keep the fire? I'll get and see how much dew there is."
Carol nodded and softly patted my uninjured shoulder. I grabbed two empty bottles that were around the fire and stood up, cringing when I heard my knees crack. I was getting too old to sleep on the ground. I moved towards the trees, pulling machete from my belt. I felt better, slept for longer, and my belly was fairly satisfied, as long as I didn't think for too long about what exactly we ate last night.
The bags I tied to the trees the previous night were still where I left them, swinging gently under the breeze. I nudged the first one and furrowed my brows in consternation. I glanced around and then on the ground. I crouched down but couldn't see any other footprints than my own. But that was not surprising. Even though it was the middle of November, it didn't rain for a while, and nights were getting colder, making dirt harder. But I didn't believe in luck, not for a long time, so I was still suspicious when two other bags have also shown similar results.
All three were almost half-filled, and there was no way we would collect that much overnight without rain. I licked my dry lips, staring at the bags intensely, realizing how thirsty I was. There were no tracks around, indicating a stranger coming and filling them. Plus, this spot was reasonably close to the road; whoever was on watch would hear noises. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, shutting my eyes for a moment.
OK. Logically, it is possible to collect that much dew overnight, yes. The spot I picked up was good, and the night was colder than the previous ones. And yet, there was something alarming about it. For the past five nights, we didn't gather even half of that, and if I had even a shadow of a doubt, I should just fucking dump it to the ground and hope that today we will find something. Could I do this? Flashes of tired Lucy came to mind, how she drank greedily every time I gave her my nearly empty canteen. Judith's cries while she clung to Carl and his soft, assuring words that everything will be alright.
"What takes you so long?" I flinched slightly and opened my eyes, spinning to meet Carol. Her brows were furrowed, and her arms were folded across her chest. I gestured towards the bags, and she moved quickly to inspect them, a huge grin spreading on her face.
"That's amazing. Not as much, considering how many people we have, but it'll help tremendously," Carol commented, and I nodded. Ever since the farm collapsed, she was one of the most suspicious people in our group. Didn't trust easily. If she didn't find anything suspicious with it, it had to be alright. "I'll go get pots. It will be easier."
Not replying, I stood guard on the edge of the forest, my eyes dancing between the trees. That weird feeling was setting deep in my bones and on the pit of my stomach, the gut feeling I always had when something was about to happen.
Everyone was exhausted, hungry, and thirsty, saving what little water we could. I was walking behind everyone, watching our backs and looking at them. My family. Everyone's spirits were down, and we still had at least thirty miles to Washington. Red was drinking some kind of whiskey, and I heard many people telling him it will make everything worse, his hunger and thirst, but ever since he found of that Hairdoo lied, it's like he didn't care anymore.
Maggie, Beth, and Glenn stayed together mostly, and right now, both women had slouched shoulders, Beth's shaking every so often while the Asian man rubbed their backs in comfort. Others were quiet, scattered across the stretch of the road, with Rick at the very front. Somewhere in the middle was Merle with Lucy in his arms, but I couldn't see past Axel and Oscar, two men strolling with their heads hanged low.
I swallowed and sped up, tapping Sasha on the shoulder. She flinched, and the look she sent my way could kill on the spot. She wasn't alright; all that build-up anger and resentment were slowly pushing her over the edge, last night a perfect example.
"Tell others I'm going to scout ahead, look for water," I told her monotonously, and she just nodded.
Silently I slipped between the trees. It was early afternoon, and the sun was at its highest point, shining through the leaves, casting shadows on the ground beside me. Golden and red leaves covered the earth, and moss was also turning into more yellow shades. I pushed myself forward, looking for traces of streams, listening for animals, but it was silent. As if the only alive thing in here was me. I made sure to walk faster than I did on the road, to not stay behind, but after walking for about half an hour, there was nothing.
I kept going for a few more minutes until I came to a small clearing, leading to what seemed to be an abandoned barn. I scoffed at the view, my heart sinking. I looked up at the clear sky and took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. I reached inside my jacket on pulled out my cigarettes with a sigh, looking over the package for a little bit. Nicotine will make me more thirsty, but at that moment, I couldn't give a shit. I popped one in the corner of my lips, holding it, while I searched for a lighter. One pocket, the other, my jeans, and I groaned in frustration, realizing that Daryl was the last one to use it, and we had only one.
"Fuck!" I kicked at the nearest tree, throwing the stick out of my mouth to the ground. I kicked one more time, my blood boiling and finally reaching its highest point. With a low yell, I slammed my fist on the harsh bark, hot, salty tears finally spilling from my eyes, almost burning my dry skin. "Fuck! Fuck! Shit!"
Sobbing, I slowly slid down to my knees, baring my fists onto the ground, shoving leaves around me, cursing and growling. And yet my fight or flight instincts were still intact, so when I heard the twig break in distance, to my left, I immediately reached to my holster, twisting on my knees and pointing my Glock in that direction.
I sucked in a sharp breath and put my arms down, bitting on my lower lip, averting my eyes. I tried to wipe them quickly, ashamed to be seen like that, but Daryl was there in seconds. His calloused hands grabbed my face firmly, tilting it up, and I was forced to look into his gorgeous blue eyes. Slowly, silently he stroked my cheeks and under my eyes, getting rid of the traces of my weakness.
"Talk to me," His whisper was desperate, a tang of hurt laced in his voice, and it just made me feel even worse.
"You got light?" I asked him, and he huffed, pressing his lips together, but nodded eventually, sitting down against the tree. He took out two cigarettes and lit them at the same time, passing one to me. I took a deep drag, feeling slightly dizzy, nicotine scratching at my dry throat.
"It's my fault," I admitted quietly after a moment, not looking in his direction.
"Whatcha mean?"
"I was the one to plan this fucking trip. I should've made sure we have more supplies, more gas. We shouldn't skip Charlottesville. The kids are hungry, and if we won't fucking find anything we..." I trailed off, swallowing another sob, taking another puff of the cigarette. "In few days, we won't be able to walk anymore, and it's just a matter of time before one of us won't wake up."
"Stop! It ain't yur fault, El! We all agreed to come 'ere. Ya couldn't know." Daryl tried to console me, but his words seemed empty and far away.
"If I wouldn't be so stuck on other things, maybe Tyreese... Why didn't I go with them? And I feel like none of you can trust me anymore. I knew it would happen, all the decisions... I suck at making decisions, Daryl. And how can you still be here when I thought so bad about you and Carol back in Atlanta?" I was shaking; words didn't make sense, I knew that, but I didn't know how to make him understand. "You make me feel so much. I- I never was like that. I had to be focused and maintain a strong head. I saw so much horrendous shit, and so many people around me died- And here we are in the middle of a fucking apocalypse, and with you all those barriers and caution- I just fucking threw it through the window, the second I saw you. Do you know I never was jealous in my life?" I finally looked at him, his eyes darker, loose strands clinging to his sweaty forehead, some nearly covering those blue orbs.
"What you sayin'?" His voice was strained, and I had trouble breathing for a moment.
"I don't know," My answer was weak, but that was all I had. "I told you back in prison that if someone isn't good for the other, it's me. I let you down. I should be with you. I should be with you when you searched for that prick, when prison fell, when they had you in Terminus. I should be with you when you first found where Beth is. No, instead, I was thinking the worse, and- I'm so sorry. And then?" I motioned behind us, standing up and turning my back to him, taking a final drag from the cigarette and chucking it to the ground. "How many times in the past month and a half I let them down? I- Oh, God. I understand if you don't want me anymore."
Daryl scoffed from behind me, and I could hear the leaves crunching under him. That was it.
"Silly woman," He turned me towards him surprisingly gently, catching my chin between his fingers. "Ya're the bravest, strongest, and most amazin' woman I even fuckin' met. Ya're beautiful and smart. It ain't yur fault—none of this. Hershel, Bob, Tyreese, that ain't on you. Shit happens, but we got each other and others. But ya gotta stop this pity party. Those people fuckin' cauntin' on ya, Princess."
I snorted while Daryl once again wiped my face, pulling me towards him. "And ya gotta stop pushin' me away. I feel that too, ya know? Every time I look at girls cryin' for water, when Beth hugs Maggie. I- We can make it, but only together."
His strong arms wrapped around my smaller frame, and I nuzzled my face in his chest. Cold leather under my skin was soothing, so was his scent and hand that was running through my hair.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, ashamed for breaking down like this, but his words soothe my soul a little. We could make it. Another thirty miles, maybe four days. We will be at our worst, but we should make it.
"Shut up, woman. Just fuckin' talk to me, don't shut me out." Daryl pulled away and reached down to his ring, pulling it off and bringing it to my face. "Always, remember?"
I chuckled and nodded, taking it from him and putting it back in its rightful place over his ring finger. "Don't you fucking lose it, mister."
Daryl huffed and grabbed the back of my head, leaning in until his lips crashed against mine. Soft brushes were quickly replaced by more urgent movements, and he bit down on my bottom lip, making me gasp. The hunter promptly used that, tilting my head slightly and sneaking his warm tongue inside my mouth, swirling it and twisting with my own. My hands went up, around his neck, into his hair, bringing him closer to me. I needed to feel him more, but I also knew that we couldn't do anything out here.
Slowly I pulled away, gasping for air, Daryl's forehead resting gently on mine. "We can't do anything here, Big Boy. Knowing our luck, Merle would be the one to come looking for us. Can you imagine?"
Corners of his lips tugged, a small smile gracing his handsome face. "He'd enjoy the show."
"Probably too much, or try to join. Ugh." I scrunched my nose and shook my head, trying to get that image out of my head.
"Come on then, Princess. Let's get back." Daryl stood straighter and pulled me with him back into the forest to catch up with our group.
The lightness I felt after finally speaking with Daryl, telling him what was actually weighing down on my soul, disappeared as soon as we caught up with others. The second we emerged from the trees, Rick's serious face sent alarm bells in my head, and he passed us a note without a word. Daryl held it up so we both could read it, and moments later, my eyes landed on bottles placed neatly in the middle of the road. I cocked my eyebrow and read the note, 'From a friend'. My heart rate picked up, and instantly I was pulled to the memories of this morning, and I felt bile rise up in my throat. We were being followed. What if my previous suspicions were correct? I shook off that thought. If dew wasn't a dew and it was spiked, we would know by now. If there was a poison in it to take us out, it already would, and if it was laced with sedatives, again, we would already pass out.
But that didn't mean that this water was safe. I didn't even flinch when Hairdoo tried to take a sip from one of them, and Red violently slapped it out of his hand. Instead, I crouched down, inspecting every single one. All were opened without any wrapper around them; not surprising, there weren't many unopened bottles in the world, I would assume. I unscrewed one of them and brought it up, only to be stopped by Rick's hand around my wrist. I tilted my head up and cocked my eyebrow at the sheriff, pulling out of his grip.
"Not drinking, just smelling, and checking for any residue," I told him calmly, and he breathed out harshly, nodding once.
"Can you tell? If it's spiked?" Carol asked, and I shrugged, bringing the bottle up, shaking it gently, and waiting for the liquid to settle again.
"Probably not, but it doesn't hurt to check. If they wanted us dead, I'd go for a high dose of arsenic or thallium. First was easily obtainable before, the other not so much. If they just wanted us valuable, I'd go for GHB. It's easily mixed with other liquids, often prescribed to treat insomnia." I sighed heavily and set the bottle down, not seeing anything except clear water.
"So there can be something in it?" Rosita asked, and I nodded. Before I could go further into explanations, a loud echo of thunder sounded in the air, and I looked up at the now darkly clouded sky.
When the first drops of rain hit my face, I laughed, closing my eyes for a second, relishing in the feeling. But my gears quickly kicked in, and I started opening the bottles in front of me, pouring the liquid inside out, and placing empty containers back on the ground to catch as much rain as I could.
People around me laughed, spun around, and Tara plopped on the ground next to Rosita. It didn't take Rick long to catch up on what was happening, and he was shouting for others to get whatever they could to get some rainwater. It felt good, and I smiled happily at Daryl, who stood straight next to me, his face lifted up to the sky, droplets slipping down his skin. My eyes shifted to Merle, who was still holding Lucy, and I realized that she was completely soaked. I stood up promptly and shook my jacket off, taking few strides towards them. I wrapped it firmly around her, covering her head, and squeezed Merle's shoulder before turning back.
The rain started pouring down heavier than before, and there was another thunder followed by lighting.
"We need to keep moving," Rick shouted over the noise, and I nodded, kneeling down on the wet asphalt, putting lids back on the bottles, stashing some in my pack.
"There's a barn," Daryl provided, and I was grateful that one of us remembered the abandoned building.
"Let's go!"
I quickly stood up, putting my backpack back on, grabbing the last two bottles, while Rosita took the bigger ones.
We run through the forest, panting, wet, slipping on the damp moss more than once, but finally, we got to the old barn. Rick took Maggie, Carol, Abraham, and Glenn to quickly check the building while the rest of us squeezed together, waiting for them to give us a thumbs up. After few minutes, they deemed it safe, and we pilled in, shutting the door behind us. The barn was spacious, stairs leading to the higher point, and a small room by the entrance.
We set our bags down, and I turned to look over at my family, all drenched in the rain, Judith and Lucy shaking visibly.
"Alright, ladies, let's go to those stalls over there. Guys, stay here, see if there's anything to start a fire. But we need to get out of those clothes."
"We don't have spare ones," Beth mumbled, and I sighed, knowing that she's right.
"I know, but we can get rid of the excess. The last thing we need right now is to get ill."
"There are things in here," Carol pointed at the closed doors to the room and moved towards it. "I'll see if we can use it to dry off."
Red was already stripped of his wife-beater, not concerned who saw him, and Rick was unbuttoning his shirt. I glanced at Daryl, who shifted in his spot, his jaw clenched. I walked towards Merle, taking Lucy from his arms, and then moved to my husband.
"You can wait for us to finish and use a box or go to the room. Or simply just face the others while you do it, but you have to," I told him quietly, my voice gentle, and watched him bit down on his lower lip before he nodded. I stood on my tiptoes and gave him a quick peck on the lips before walking away.
When I was safely separated from the view by the wooden wall, I sat Lucy down on the hay and pulled my jacket away.
"Can we share?" Beth's voice came from behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder, giving her a soft smile. She was holding Judith, and it felt as we were back in prison, with her caring for the little girl.
"Of course."
"Here." Carol came after them, making the small space really cramped, and she passed me the old sheet, another one giving to Beth. "Use it for girls."
After that, she walked away to find her own spot to dry off, and I turned to Lucy. "Alright, little one, let's get you out of these wet clothes."
A few hours later, we sat next to a small fire, Daryl tried to make a bigger one, but the sticks were too wet to catch on. Carl was curled up near us with Judith, and Lucy was sleeping on my lap, her face buried in my chest. Beth was propped against Noah, both of them already in a deep sleep, leaning on the wall. Others... well, Sasha and Red sat far away, separately, latter drinking remains off his whiskey and the woman staring blankly ahead. Merle just brought some books and other things we could use to increase fire and finally cook the rainwater we collected.
"He's gonna be OK," Carol broke the silence, my eyes shifting towards Rick, who was observing his children. "He bounces back more than any of us do."
"I used to feel sorry for kids that have to grow up now. In this," Rick replied, and I lowered my eyes to Lucy. She was safe in my arms, but I knew that it could be temporary. "But I think I got it wrong. Growing up is getting used to the world. This is easier for them."
"It's hard for us to watch," I added softly, pushing loose curls out of the girl's face. "Lucy, Judith, they were born to this, I don't know how it was before. We can try and tell them, but it always will be different for them."
"This isn't the world," Michonne commented, and I heard the bitterness in her words.
"It is now. All we can do is to make it as comfortable for them as we can and remember for them how it was before."
"No, this isn't it," She insisted, and I sighed heavily. "Walking, barely surviving. That can't be it."
"It might be," Glenn admitted quietly, his eyes darting to his wife, lying few yards away, not facing in our direction.
"That's giving up."
"It's reality."
"World was shit hole before," Merle added in his gruff voice, and I smiled at that. "Sure there were good things, 'nd lot of you had it normal. But at least half of us knew the darker side. Soldier boy in the army, Doll here saw exactly how people are fucked up. Darlina and I never had a proper home or family. In my books, bein' here, with y'all is better than my life was before."
I glanced at him, sitting opposite, on the other side next to Rick. A year ago, it would be impossible without either of them snapping at each other, and now he was sharing with others.
"For now, that's what we got. And we have to live with it," Rick finally commented, making our moods even sourer. "When I was a kid... I asked my grandpa once if he ever killed any Germans in the war. He wouldn't answer. He said it was grown-up stuff, so...so I asked if Germans ever tried to kill him."
I closed my eyes, tilting my head and leaning further into a wooden pillar behind me while Rick continued his story.
"But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped into enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, 'Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war.' And then, after a few years of pretending he was dead... He made it out alive. That's the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do, and then we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we'll be OK. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves... that we are the walking dead."
My eyes snapped open at that, a scowl forming on my lips. He basically just voiced what I was thinking just a few hours ago, but now with my family around me, after talking to Daryl... It just didn't feel right. It felt like giving up, and like even our darkest actions are justified. But are they?
I felt Daryl's hand grip mine firmly, squeezing it, and then his gruff voice echoed in the barn. "We ain't them." He was confident in his words, his thumb gently rubbing my knuckles, and a warmth spread through my body, straight to my heart.
The hunter shifted to his knees, letting my hand go, and reached for more sticks, breaking them down and chucking them into the fire. I watched Rick, and his face softened, realizing what he said and how it affects the rest of us setting in.
"We're not them." The sheriff said finally, tilting his head to look at Daryl's face. "Hey. We're not."
Daryl stood up, throwing remaining sticks into the fire, hair covering his eyes, while he looked down at Rick. "We ain't them."
With that, he walked away, picking up his crossbow, crossing the room towards the entrance. I watched him for a while, how his shoulders tensed and how stiffly he stood by the doors, ignoring the others. I sighed heavily and turned my gaze back to Rick, scowling Michonne, Glenn, who looked like all the fight left his body.
"It's not how it was before," I started, my voice firm, catching their attention. "But together, we can survive. This- this is our lowest. I don't know what we'll find in DC, but there will be cars, roofs. We gonna make it work again. But we can't give up. We just can't."
I bent down, placing a soft kiss on Lucy's cheek, before I scooped her in my arms, putting her on the ground. I dropped my jacket over her and caressed her hair for a moment.
"I'll look over her. Go check on Darlina," Merle spoke from next to me, making me realize that he moved from his spot, and I nodded, getting up to my feet. Slowly I made my way towards Daryl.
"We ain't them," He whispered when I appeared next to him, and I wrapped my hands around his torso, pressing myself close to his body.
"We're not."
"We need a plan. Ya always got a plan."
I sighed and pressed my face to his chest, one of his arms wrapping around my shoulders.
"First, find a town, secure a building which could help us survive the winter. Maybe a school, or a high point. Apartment block with an emergency staircase. Vehicles so we can scavenge for supplies." I listed, and he squeezed me tighter. From our spot, we could hear how stiff wind was blowing, shaking the doors.
"We could look for her," Daryl stated, and my breath hitched in my throat, my face snapping to his. He was glancing down at me, his gaze warm and loving. The fact that he thought about it made my chest swell.
"It's dangerous," I told him softly. To be truthful, I gave up on the thought that Michelle is alive a long time ago. "Washington is smaller than Atlanta but with a higher population. From what we saw, it seems like less than twenty percent survived. That's not high odds. Add to it the fact that there would be mass evacuations and potential-"
Daryl interrupted me by placing a finger over my mouth, his lips lifting softly. "Ain't the point. I found Merle. What were the odds there?"
I smiled in return at him and licked his finger playfully, making him jerk his hand away, pinching my side gently. Our blissfulness was interrupted by a harder gush of wind, the force opening the doors, letting cold air and rain in. Daryl quickly moved forward to slam them back in place, and his back hit the hardwood once he did it, fear clearly painted on his face. I furrowed my brows and rushed to his side, trying to peek through the planks.
My eyes widened in panic, my heart started racing, and I pushed the doors with my shoulder, right next to Daryl, my eyes rising, to meet his. There were dozens of walkers outside in the middle of the raging storm. And whatever reason they had, considering how laud mother nature was, they were heading straight for the barn. I moved my head around frantically, trying to see if there was anything we could use to keep the doors permanently shut.
But there was no time; no longer the thought crossed my mind, I felt the urgent push from the other side, a yelp escaping my lips while I braced myself against the door. After everything we have been through, all the hell - this had to be the scariest one. Not even the night in the quarry, our first encounter with a large group of geeks compared. Not even when I remembered looking at the lines of walkers marching against the farm, something that seemed like decades ago. And even recent encounters, the prison, Terminus, church, Grady... nothing compared to this.
We were strangled in the old barn with a tornado raging outside. We had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. No vehicles to outrun walkers and rain, just us propped against the doors, a thin veil between life and death.
I could feel sweat covering my back and arms, mixing with a still damp flannel. My heart rate sped up to the point that I was wondering how I was still alive. The only sounds around were my heartbeat and gusts of wind mixed with growls and snarls.
The walkers pushed harder, making me slip on the mud created by the entrance, and I screamed, trying to get back up. I looked up, my eyes starting to tear up because this was it—the end of our journey. Daryl stood there, leaning all his weight against the doors, veins on his arms and neck prominent, jaw clenched tightly, but his bright blue orbs were focused on me.
Swiftly I lifted myself up, and I felt another body coming to my side, Maggie, grunting. And that's when the others followed. Scooping next to Daryl, shoulder to shoulder, I watched as they all came to the doors, panic on their faces. My heart screamed and shattered when I watched Lucy get to her feet, confused and scared, looking around the dark barn. I could see tears on her cheeks and her mouth moving, but the noises from outside were too loud to figure out what she was saying.
I gritted my teeth and moved one hand away from the door, pointing at Judith, who layed in front of us, moving and kicking, crying. "Hold her, Lucy! Hold Judith!" I yelled, using as much air as my lungs could provide. I'm not sure if she heard me if it was gesturing, but she moved, kneeling in front of the little girl and awkwardly moving her up, hugging her from behind.
Daryl to my left, Maggie to the right, Merle and Red in front, pushing against us, their hands above my hands. We were grunting, screaming, but through all of that, I could feel Daryl's eyes on me. That's what I remember most from that night. His blue gaze upon me while we struggled against the walkers, so expressive, with one message.
We ain't them. WE ARE NOT THE WALKING DEAD.