POV: Jordan

I pushed open the faculty doors, spreading wide to reveal a more discussion-esque business room. Animals sat around a rectangle metal table, the superintendent leading the charge, Brittney to his right. The principal kept a watchful eye on me as I made my way over to the chair reserved for me, my name written on it. Everyone watched me, wondering what the only carnivore in a room full of herbivores would do. I wasn't necessarily the only one, Mrs. Carter was by my side. But I never paid any attention to her. Even if she was important to Alex, that didn't mean she had to be important to me as well.

"Good morning, Jordan," Mrs. Carter said, her red nails unnerving me.

My chair was too close to her, I didn't want to be sitting directly next to her. So I shifted it a little bit to the left and said, "hi," with a big grin that would've made anyone feel uncomfortable. But not her.

"Jordan!" The superintendent said, standing up and spreading his arms out. "So glad my favorite snow leopard could join us, how are you doing?"

Calm and collected. Calculating.

"I'll feel better once this is over," I said with a chuckle, hoping that the rest of the room understood the joke. I was met with gazes and a snicker from Brittney. Whatever, I didn't need them to like me, I just needed them to agree with me.

Wait, doesn't liking me often coincide with not agreeing with me?

The principal cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. "Thank you all for being here. As you know, the incident with Christina Barkman is a tragic one, thoughts and prayers to her friends and family." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Now unfortunately, Alex Kingston, a grey wolf, was involved in the case." I held back the temptation to lash out, to scream that he was wrong. Alex had done nothing wrong, he was just trying his best to be the animal he was; compassionate and helpful. They couldn't see that though, all they saw was the scary grey wolf on the outside.

But the temptation to speak out faded away as Mrs. Carter's mouth began to move. "When you say, 'involved,' "she said, "you mean Alex had some sort of...how should I put this, altercation with Christina Barkman?"

"I'm sorry Mrs. Carter," the principal said, "I didn't realize Alex was being brought up so soon."

"Well he does seem to be the elephant in the room," she said, bringing out a paper from her bag. "Can we start with him? I'd like to address some of the issues I have with the police report. Do we have an officer here? No doubt you do, considering Jordan and I are here."

Just as she said that, as husky entered the room, all eyes on him. "Sorry I'm late," he said, police hat in hand. "Got caught up in traffic…" his voice trailed off.
"Right," Mrs. Carter said, "traffic." She shrugged her shoulders. "No matter. Now, Alex?" She looked around the room, nobody dared look back at her. "Oh come now, am I really that scary?" She giggled and whispered to me, "this is going to be easier than I thought. You're welcome to join in whenever." She composed herself as the superintendent rose from his seat.

"Alex, yes. Where should we start?"

"How about expelling him?" I said, crossing my arms. "Since that appears to be your only course of action to prevent this from happening again." Brittney was notably silent.

"Expelling him is one way to prevent this, yes," the superintendent said. "But that is only one solution. The reason why I brought us all here together was to figure out another option, one that benefits Alex and the rest of the school. I do agree with you Jordan, we need to prevent this from happening again." He sat back down, hands clasped together. "Any ideas?"

Mrs. Carter pursed her lips. "Actually, before we get into what we should do with Alex, I'd like to talk about the police report." She flipped the paper on the table over while everyone whispered in silence. "It says here that he was shot in the leg, and I must ask, why did we deem that necessary?" She turned her attention to the husky police officer, he had almost the same fur coloration as Alex. I hated it.

"I hardly think that's necessary-" the principal said, but he was cut off by Mrs. Carter.

"I think it's absolutely necessary. If we want to figure this out, we need to understand what happened to Alex that night. I also think it'll help me develop a plan to deal with his mental illness that seems to plague him. Did any of you know he suffers from severe depression and anxiety?" Nobody responded.

I did.

"Now," Mrs. Carter said, directing her attention to the police report she held like a cross in her hand, "shot in the leg?"

The husky met Mrs. Carter's gaze. "It was my own judgement call. Given the situation, I needed to subdue him, no doubt he would've fought."

"So you felt the need to shoot him in the leg, did that achieve anything?"

The huskies' confidence wavered. "W-well it allowed us to transport him without any issues and-"

"Issues? If you paid any attention to the security cameras that were placed around the school, you would've seen that he was carrying the rabbit in a way that put pressure on her wounds. Also, if he was trying to eat her, why did he rush her to the infirmary? He should've just eaten her to cover the evidence, so I don't understand why the initial thought was he was the killer."

"Mrs. Carter," the superintendent said with a chuckle, "are you suggesting there's a killer in our school? I'm sure they would've fled the scene right after Alex showed up."

"This isn't about who killed the rabbit," Mrs. Carter said forcefully. "This is about the actions the police took. If they would've taken the evidence into consideration, Alex would not be part of this discussion. But unfortunately," she sneered, her gaze fixated onto the husky, "he is."

"So what are we going to do with him?" Brittney said, rolling her eyes. "Because clearly he isn't fit for this school. He brings nothing special. He's not in any clubs, and he's depressed. He's just a bomb waiting to go off. I think this incident is an example of that."

I couldn't take it anymore. The constant back and forth. The consistent arguing over my best friend. "If any of you actually knew Alex, you would know he hates himself. You would know that being a wolf is one of the worst things that has ever happened in his life. You would know how much he's willing to help other animals, regardless-regardless of species. The truth of the matter is," I said, "you don't know him. None of you know the Alex that tried his hardest to save that rabbit. And for what? To be shot in the leg and tossed around that stupid interrogation room?"

The huskies ears perked up. "How the hell do you know about that?" he said with a growl.

I rolled my eyes. "There are things I know that you don't, so keep your mouth shut and speak when you're spoken to, dog." Never in my life did I think I would be calling someone else a dog...he was a dog though. I was never going to call Alex a dog, no matter how strained our relationship got.

The atmosphere turned quiet, animals glanced off to the sides, uncomfortable from my comment. The superintendent didn't need to shush the room, but he did anyway. Maybe as a way to assert his authority over us. "Well that was an interesting conversation. But let's return to the original question; do we expel Alex, or allow him to stay?"

"I think the better question," I said, "should be who killed the rabbit?"

"You're right," Brittney said, finally taking my side on something.

"What?" I responded.

"Don't 'what' me," she said. "I agree with you...for once. Our priority should be figuring out who killed the rabbit and preventing it from happening in the first place. Maybe this would be a good time to refer back to the plans I went over with everyone in the last meeting?" She brought out some papers from her bag and passed them around. They were the same plans from last time, separating carnivores and making us feel like we did something wrong.

I picked up the paper she laid in front of me, scanning over the tiny words. "So, just the same thing then?"

"Listen Jordan," she said sitting down. "I know how you advocate for all the carnivores in this school, but take an herbivores perspective for once. A rabbit was just killed in our school, and she was seen with a large grey wolf as she was dying-"

"So it comes back to Alex?"

"Jordan, if you would just let me finish for once, then maybe you would understand what I'm trying to say, ok?"

"Fine," I said, staring her down.

"Good. Look, separating carnivores was one of the major policies I wanted to have, but I understand that's not a possibility. So let's compromise. Carnivores will be able to socialize with herbivores, but only if law enforcement is around. This also means that I want carnivore police officers to be on patrol in specific locations around the school, that way everyone feels protected, no matter the species."

The principal spoke up. "Don't you think having carnivore police officers will only cause more problems?"

Brittney sighed. "I...I'm doubling back on what I said last time. As much as we all," she coughed into her sleeve, but she didn't need to say anything, "not having them in the school will only do more harm than good."

"So you're agreeing with Ms. Anderson?" The superintendent flared his nostrils. "I certainly wasn't expecting this."

"Can we go back to Alex now?" I said. He was all I cared about at the moment.

Brittney nodded. "Right, Alex. He shouldn't be expelled...or suspended. He should be allowed to come back to the school, given Mrs. Carter takes full responsibility for whatever he may do."

"I do," she said, confidence in her shoulders.

"And these...officers," I said, "are they going to be helping this investigation as to who killed the rabbit or…?" I let my voice tail off, hoping someone would finish my sentence for it. To my surprise, and dismay, the husky responded.

"We're having our new chief detective take over the case. Officer Parker is the best we have."

"And will you be resigning?" I said, malice in my tone.

The husky flinched back. "N-No!"

"As far as I'm concerned," I said, "you're the dangerous carnivore here. You shot Alex when you had no reason to. You're the wildcard here." There was a collective nod from the council as they pondered what I had said. "The least you can do is apologize to Alex for your shitty behavior. But I guess carnivores are just like that, aren't they?"

Now, Jordan," Mrs. Carter said, laying a hand on my shoulder and tightening her grip. "Let's not say something we'll regret."

"I regret nothing."

The superintendent adjusted his shirt. "It seems we've come to an agreement, here are the terms: The district will add more funding to student protection, which means we'll be adding more officers around the school, carnivore and herbivore alike. Alex will be allowed to return to school on the condition that he receives council from Mrs. Carter, his classes will also be leveled down considering the amount of work he's missed. He will be under surveillance, even though the evidence points away from his, we need to rule him out...permanently. Nobody in this room is allowed to talk about what we discussed, except for Brittney and our amazing principal. If a carnivore is caught out late at night, messing with an herbivore, or aggressive in any way, they will be subdued by the nearest officer and brought in for questioning."

He made the word "questioning," sound like torture.

"Do any of you object to these terms?" He said. As much as I hated hearing it from his stupid horse mouth, Mrs. Carter's grip on my arm tightened to the point where her claws were stabbing into my skin.

"Nobody objects," Mrs. Carter said, releasing her grip and standing up. "I'll make sure Alex knows his duties and the new changes.

"No," I said, "I'll tell him." Everyone turned to look at me as I walked out the door, taking my attention away from everything and everyone. I hadn't gotten what I wanted, there was no way I was going to get what I wanted, but for once in my life, Brittney had taken my side. That didn't mean I liked her, I still hated her for what she had done. But at least she was willing to cooperate, I only hoped that I had done everything I could've done.

The hallways of the school were eerily silent, the red lockers tunneled my vision as black dots and darkness blanketed my sight. My eyelids were heavy as I struggled with each step, trudging along like I was sinking in quicksand. There was a bitter taste in my mouth, like someone squeezed a lemon in my mouth. A couple of animals around me shied away from my "keeping-it-together" appearance as I made my way to my dorm room.

I shut the door behind me, Stephanie and Carly had left when Emma died, and I forced myself to open the bathroom door, placing my hands on the counter and breathing heavily. When I looked up into the mirror, I didn't see the snow leopard I had seen countless times. She stared back at me, flashing a sinister smile, teeth in full view. I doubled back from my reflection, blinking multiple times to get the horrific sight out of my head. But I couldn't.

That's not me, I'm not that animal.

No matter how many times I told myself, I still feared if I would ever hurt another animal, if I would ever end with blood-stained fur. It was a scene I had pictured in my head so many times after seeing Alex on the tv with the rabbit in his arms, giving her to the nurses, looking down at his right leg, then collapsing to the floor. It scared me, it scared me so much. How was I supposed to know my life would end up like this? That I would be the one to take down the school's president? It was all so much pressure.

I can handle it.

But I couldn't handle it. I could only watch as the animals around me discovered themselves, found love, and went through hardships I couldn't understand. I was too busy working on projects, dealing with herbivores, and attending meetings. I wasn't allowed to be a seventeen year old girl anymore, I wasn't allowed to go to the mall with friends, laugh at boys and suffer from heartbreak.

My phone laid face-up on the ground, missing calls from Mom and unread texts from everyone. But what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to fix everything?

I knew this was a situation I couldn't fix, that I had to just watch it play out. But I needed to do something! I couldn't just sit wallowing in self regret!

I picked myself up from the floor, taking in a deep breath, and opening my eyes to reveal the same snow leopard. Her fur was snow white with charcoal dots, like someone had taken a paintbrush and went to town on the canvas. Teeth were sharp, whiskers jetted out to the sides. One thing stayed consistent though, the one thing that caught my full attention; it was the eyes. No longer were they a deep blue, often compared to an ocean. No longer did they shimmer in the sunlight and sparkle under the light of the moon. No, they were a deep red.

My back hit the wall, throat clenching, chest heaving, lungs gasping for air, head spinning, a fever dream of emotions and horror.

No, that's not me!

I tried to stand my ground, tried to push back the temptation to shatter the mirror, sending the glass flying through the air. But I ultimately collapsed to the ground, covering my mouth, eyes welling with tears as they trailed down my face.

"You're cruel!" I yelled through tears and a thick throat.

Heart raced with adrenaline, breathing increased, hands shook, and a jittery feeling flowed throughout my whole body. I couldn't stop it, the tears, the pain, the emotions. I wanted them all to fade away like they had so many times. But they wouldn't leave me alone, they couldn't just walk away this time.

"Leave me alone!" I screamed as I attempted to regain some sort of sanity back, but it was no use. Whatever was in the mirror kept staring back at me with her smile, bloody and filled with brown furred flesh.

"You did this, Jordan," It said as its eyes kept looming over me. Even if mine were closed, shut tight from fear and panic, I could still feel her gaze on me.

"SHUT UP!" I screamed, throat scratching from the force.

"Jordan?" A quick knock at the door tore me away from the mirror. "Are you ok?"

There was no point in acting tough.

Nathan opened the door, his eyes widening as he saw me on the floor. "Oh my gosh," he said as he bent down, kneeling next to me, "are you ok? What-what's wrong?" I pointed to the mirror and he turned his head. "There's...nothing there."

I grabbed him by the shirt. "I did it Nathan," I said, tears refilling my eyes. "I killed the rabbit, I ate the rabbit. It was me." I turned back towards the mirror, seeing the same animal with a bloody face. "It was always me," I added, lip quivering.

Nathan looked back towards the mirror, then to me. "Jordan, you...you didn't do anything." Of course he didn't understand what I was saying, how could he?

My hands were shaking as I held onto him. "I ate the rabbit, it was me!" I sobbed into his green jacket, smelling faintly of citrus.

"What are you talking about?" he said as softly as he could, holding onto me tightly.

"Look at the mirror," I wailed. "Look what I did!" His eyes glanced up, but no surprised gasp escaped his lips, no expression of shock, and no sigh of disappointment or frustration.

"There's nothing there, look." He guided my face towards the mirror, and sure enough, it was just me and him looking back at one another. The light reflected back into my eyes, and the slight touch of his hand on my shoulder stopped my heart from beating. If only for a split second, I felt an emotion I had never felt before, and as much as I was curious about it, I pushed it down.

I stood up with shaky hands, face still half covered from one hand. The only thing I saw was a snow leopard with her mascara running down her face, streaking her fur a runny, watery black. There was nothing in the mirror, and thoughts raced through my head. Nathan's hand was still on my shoulder, his expression solemn. His lips curved into a smile as I looked at him through the mirror.

My fingers brushed against the sleek, cold mirror, my reflection matching me. "Where did it go?" I asked into the air.

Nathan grabbed my hand and lowered it from the mirror. "What happened?"

I looked at him, his dark brown eyes meeting mine. "I-I don't know." My heart thumped in my chest from looking at him, beating a rhythm it had so long forgotten.

He sighed, running a hand through his ears. "You're dealing with too much right now. Maybe it's best if you take a break from everything."

I sat back down on the bathroom floor, running my fingers through the grout of the tile. "Yeah...a break." A lantern burned in my mind, illuminating a dirt pathway through a dense forest, one animal coming into view with a smile and a shoulder shrug.

Nathan.

What was I feeling? My lips couldn't stop from smiling, tears wouldn't stop flowing.

Push it down, I have other things to worry about.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, standing back up to meet Nathan. "Are you sure you're ok?" he said. "I tried calling you a couple of times, but you didn't respond, so I got anxious. I came to your dorm hoping to find you...then I heard you crying in the bathroom."

"I'm fine," I lied. "Just I have a lot of things to think about right now. Thanks for coming over."

"Are-are you sure? I don't want to just leave and feel like there was more I could do."

Just let go of your fears! It's just one step!

I started crying again and said, "I'm fine, really."

"Jordan, you're not fine. Talk to me, I'm here." His hand wrapped around mine, and I broke down again, sobbing into his green jacket. I couldn't hold it in anymore, I had gotten so used to it. "Is it Alex?" he asked. I shook my head. "Steven?" I shook my head again. "Then what?"

"Me," I whispered. "I'm scared of me."

Silence.

His voice was soft, calm and comforting. Its deep tone resonated within my body, vibrating everything. "I'm scared of myself too." I held onto him, engulfed in his embrace. I never thought I would've felt like this with anyone besides Alex. But there I was, standing in the light of the bathroom, conflicting emotions warring throughout my body.

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it.

"Nathan?" I said, "do you think it's ever going to be over?"

His eyebrows creased and he let out a sigh. "I don't know. But what I do know is, you need to take a break from everything. Maybe take a day off school, avoid the campaign and Brittney. Stop worrying about Alex for a day, and focus on yourself." He smiled, small and sweet.

Romeo, save me.

"I don't have time for a break…" my voice trailed off, eyebrows lifting and eyes meeting his.

"Then make time," he said. "Put everything behind you, let go of it all for a day. You're not alone Jordan, you don't have to do everything by yourself. You have me, Steven, Alex. We're here for you, even in your worst of times."

I sighed, thinking back to the meeting and the rabbit who was murdered. "I'm just...I'm just scared I'll give in to it. I'm scared I'll eat someone if I'm pushed over the edge." My throat closed up and tears found their way back. "I just-I'm scared Nathan, I don't know what to do."

"Nobody knows what to do, but you have to be ready for it. You have to know when the urge comes and when to stop it. You've never had it before, right?" I shook my head. "Ok, then you should be fine. But if anything does come up...or happen...or whatever, please tell me."

I took a deep breath, pulling away from his embrace and wiping my eyes which were scratchy and sandy from tears. "Yeah, I'll tell you."

"And maybe," he added, "a wardrobe change might be good. You don't need to act like this bad girl anymore when that's not who you are."

"Then who am I?"

"You're Jordan Anderson, the snow leopard who wants to make a change. And I'll fight anyone who says otherwise."

Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in.

And I could go, on and on, and on and on.

I felt like I was losing my grip on reality, until he showed up just in time. I didn't know how to feel about Nathan. I didn't know if I was supposed to like him, or if I was supposed to resent him. I didn't know if I was supposed to love him, or...whatever came after that. His smile was nice, but his demeanor was unnerving, mysterious in some ways. There was always this atmosphere around him, like anything could happen, and if you tried to stop him, he would attack you.

I thought I was in control, but when I was pushed to my limits, I wasn't in control. Life spun out of control, and I pretended to be ok, even when I wasn't. Is that what it was like to be Alex? To tell everyone you were fine, when you really weren't?

Nathan leaned against the bed frame. "So, you're all alone in here?"

I rubbed my head. "Yeah, ever since Emma…" my voice trailed off, thinking about her only brought pain into my heart. "Ever since Emma died, they couldn't stand being in this room anymore. They both dropped out and are now going to a public school somewhere, I don't know where."

"Some friends they are."

My shoulders shrugged and I sighed. "I can't blame them, I wouldn't want to stay here either...but I have nowhere else to go."

He moved from the bed frame and sat down next to me, his hands clasped together. "If you were allowed in my dorm, I would let you stay with me."

"Thanks," I said, looking around the room, "but maybe I'll just crash in the audiovisual room. The dorm mothers don't come to this room anyway."

"Then I'll stay with you, I don't want you being alone."

I waved him off. "It's fine, I'm used to being alone. That's what snow leopards like right? Isn't it in our biology to be alone?"

We're so young, we're on the road to ruin.

Nathan sighed, looking deep into my eyes. "It's in your biology to be alone, but not lonely."

The sun lowered beneath the horizon, the last of its rays beaming through the open window, cold air blowing the curtains around. February had just begun, January becoming a thing of the past, leaving its scars and dirty laundry at our feet.

"You should probably get going, I don't want you getting in trouble."

Nathan gave a slanted smile, standing up in his dark blue jeans. "You're right, but if you need anything, call me."

"I will."

He made his way over to the door and shut it behind him. I laid back on my bed, sighing out my sadness and regrets. Sleeping in the audiovisual room sounded nice, at least I wouldn't be haunted by memories of the past there. But as much as I wanted to leave my bed, to shut the window and block out the cold, I couldn't. Too much had weighed on my shoulders and there wasn't a whole lot I could do to stop it from pushing me down. Gravity was so strong, and each day felt like another struggle to keep my head up, to keep my shoulders raised, and to pretend to be someone I wasn't.

You're still gone.

At least I still had Nathan.

My eyes welled with tears again as I thought about Alex and the horrible things he had been through. I just couldn't understand how someone could deal with so much, and still be alive. But was he even alive? Was he just faking his smile? His laugh? His everything? It hurt so much to think about him, and just like I had done so many times before, I cried myself to sleep.

Think with your head, not with that thing in your chest.

I need help.

I awoke with scratchy eyes and a plugged up nose, moonlight filling the room. I didn't want to be there anymore, and I gathered up some sheets and pillows, unlocking the dorm door and making my way to the audiovisual room. I hid in the blind spots of the cameras, trudging through the lull of sleep as I found my way to the audiovisual room. I turned the knob, dim lights and cold air blasting into my fur, frilling up my loose shirt which I had stolen from Alex.

My night vision kicked in, the room crystal clear in its darkened beauty. Nathan was asleep on the couch, his breathing slow and calm, a rose colored blanket covering his body. I smiled and sighed, moving over towards the other couch we kept in the back, laying my body over it and wrapping myself in the warm sheets. It felt nice to have someone else in the room with me, to not be alone anymore, to hear the sounds of another animal, and not the silence of darkness.