A/N: This chapter contains sexually explicit material.
June 5. Seated together on the chaise lounge, Joey listened as Pacey went into detail about everything that had happened inside the courtroom that morning, including his strong inclination to believe his father had very much to do with his sentencing.
"He knew. He knew how long I'd been working and saving up that money. He knew how important it was. He didn't care. The cruelty was the point." Briefly, he'd felt buoyed by Joey's presence, the comfort she gave, the love they shared. But in the retelling of everything that had happened earlier, his mood once again plummeted.
"Maybe he just didn't approve of you giving away your hard-earned savings so the Potter girl could go to an elite school in Boston."
He shook his head. "I don't think he had a clue about Worthington, Jo. I'm pretty sure my dad was under the impression I was gonna be using it for culinary school. That's what I'd threatened, anyway. The old man couldn't allow that to happen, now could he?"
She reached up and tenderly stroked his face, the backs of her fingers brushing over the scar on his cheek, evidence of a physical wound that had healed a long time ago. Joey knew the emotional wounds inflicted by his father ran much deeper, and probably weren't even remotely close to being healed. "I'm so sorry, Pacey."
"I'd thought I was gonna break down right there in the courtroom," he said, his brows furrowing. "And end up shaking and weeping in public in front of dozens of people."
"It would've been completely understandable if you had, though."
"For others, maybe," he objected, looking affronted. "But not for me. I only managed to embarrass myself in front of one person. Silver lining?"
"Who was the person? Gretchen?" she guessed, although her stomach tightened with intuition that it had been someone else entirely.
"No. She'd gone to work. Andie stayed here with me for a little while. She came with us to the arraignment."
Joey sighed and shoved down the jealousy that suddenly threatened to rise. She forced a smile. "Well, that was nice you had a friend there to support you."
Pacey remembered last night when she'd skipped out on him, remembered his frequent glances over his shoulder, staring at the courtroom doors, hoping Joey would've shown up to be there for him, and frowned. But as the resentment rose in him, he pressed it down. She had every right to stay away. School was more important than he was.
"Yeah. Well, it was a good thing I held it together until I got home. To break down in front of Doug and my dad? Not only am I now broke, and a convicted felon, it would've just made me look even more like a weak, pathetic fool. I know what they think of me. And the thing is, they're right. I am a moron… a loser, a failure. I should just accept it."
"That is not true. You are none of those things. Why are you being so hard on yourself?" As she said this, all she wanted to do was comfort him. Nothing else seemed to matter at the moment. "You don't have to be perfect all the time. You are just a boy. A boy who has suffered an injustice. A boy whose family has put him through one terrible ordeal after another." She ran her fingers through his hair. He'd been coping with so much, for so long. He was in such sore need of comfort, and running her fingers through his hair was all she could think of to do at the moment. It was the kind of thing her mother would do for her when she was a child.
"You should be kinder to yourself, Pace."
"I don't deserve any kindness," he said grimly. "All I do is let people down. I let you down."
Her eyes filled with tears. "That is not true. It's not."
"How can you even bear to look at me, knowing I was convicted of a felony? Like your father? Look at how much he hurt you."
"Pacey, my dad was guilty of the crime. And he did it twice. He was let out of prison, came home to us, and did the very same thing again. There is no reason to compare your situation to his. You aren't guilty of anything other than trying to do the right thing by helping someone who didn't deserve your kindness."
"Okay, well, what about Worthington? I know you said you didn't really want to use the money, but now you can't go. Everything we planned… I've ruined."
With the relief she felt about not having to lose another man she loved to prison, Joey found she couldn't bring herself to feel all that upset about Worthington at the moment. There were things far worse than putting off college by a semester or two. "Pacey, that is not your fault. Anyway, I already know what I'm going to do. I'm going to reapply as soon as I turn nineteen and declare myself financially independent. I'll get more financial aid if I go next year. Maybe I'll be able to start in the spring semester instead of the fall. It's only a few months' difference."
He frowned. Stuck in Capeside until next year, and all because of him. He wanted to weep again. "Well, at least very few people even knew about our plan for Worthington. Bessie and Bodie, of course. My sisters did, but they swore not to tell the rest of my family. I suppose that's a silver lining. And well, Andie now knows what the money was for. Not very many will know that it's me who wrecked your chance to go to Worthington this year. At least I can be spared that humiliation."
"I don't want you to feel humiliated. None of this is your fault. Stop thinking like that. No one will blame you. I don't blame you, and I don't want you to blame yourself."
He chuckled grimly. "Remember your birthday party? How my family turned it into a disaster? And my dad made that crack about you attaching yourself to a sinking ship instead of a shooting star? He's right, you know. I'm already taking you down with me."
"You are not a sinking ship," she said adamantly, but he only shook his head. "Pacey, look at me." She gently pulled on his chin, turning his head to face her. "You are not going to sink. That's not gonna happen, not while I'm around. I won't let it." Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, resigned to finally doing something she should've done weeks ago.
"Pacey, I want you to take that summer job on Mr. Moore's yacht." Even as she said the words, her stomach twisted. She didn't want to be without him for two months, but there was no way he could stay in this town. It was suffocating him. He really would sink if he stayed here. He had to get out.
He blinked. That was the last thing he'd expected her to bring up. He hadn't thought about it in weeks. "Jo—"
"I'm serious, Pace. You have to take that job. You said it yourself: you're broke. I'm pretty sure Mr. Moore implied that he was going to pay you good money, and I know how much you want to go sailing again. I think it would be good for you."
He didn't want to be alone, without her all summer. Not now. "Joey, I don't—"
The sound of footsteps interrupted the conversation. They turned to see Jen, Jack, and Dawson walking into the backyard, making for the porch. "Hey guys," Joey said as she stood up to greet them.
"Hey. How are you doing, Pacey?" Jen asked with a sympathetic frown.
He remained seated on the chaise lounge. "I don't know. How do you think I'm doin'?" he remarked glibly.
Closing her eyes, Joey sighed and then forced a smile. "He's had a rough day."
"Well, it could've been worse, right? We were really worried. I was relieved to hear you don't have to go to jail."
"You and me both, Jackers."
Dawson cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, Pace. The whole thing sucks. Somehow, Drue will pay for what he's done."
"Yeah, thanks, Dawson. I'd honestly settle for never having to see the guy for the rest of my life."
"And I'm really sorry about what happened in court, that you lost all your savings. I know how important that money was to you… to both you and Joey."
At once the warmth drained from Pacey's face, and in its place came a look of hardened stone. How could Dawson have known? Joey told him? He shook his head. "That's just great," he muttered under his breath.
"What's he talking about?" Jen asked Joey, giving her a curious look.
"Oh, nothing. But yes, it's terrible what happened in court today. It could've been worse, though. There are worse things to lose than money, right?"
Joey glanced back at him with a small smile, but Pacey found he couldn't return it. His former best friend stood there in the yard, the golden boy about to go off to film school in California, who would most likely achieve all the success he was hoping for. And there he sat, a convicted felon who was about to flunk out of high school. And he could now hear Dawson's voice inside his head, getting louder and louder, telling him he wasn't good enough for Joey.
"Do you honestly think you're the better man for her?"
"You're all wrong for her."
"Do you really think Joey needs to go to Worthington carrying around your baggage? There will come a point when she's going to want a man who can take care of her, someone mature who doesn't take foolish risks that could mess up his life, or hers. Someone who can give her the security she needs. And that's not you."
His friends continued to talk, but the thoughts in his head were much louder and he had no idea what was being said. Eventually their conversation pulled him from his reverie.
"Anyway, we were thinking of going to the movies," Jack said, having changed the subject. "The only finals tomorrow are in the afternoon, and it's only the foreign language exams. Then there's that graduation rehearsal afterwards. We thought it would be good to take a break from studying for a few hours and give our brains some rest."
Jen nodded and smiled happily. "We were gonna go out for pizza and then go see Moulin Rouge at the Rialto. Andie's gonna meet us over at Carmine's. You guys wanna go?"
"That sounds like fun," Joey said, eager for something to take their minds off the events of the day. At least for a little while. It would be good for Pacey to surround himself with his friends, with the people who cared about him. She turned to her boyfriend. "What do you think, Pace? You wanna get out of the house for a bit?"
The growing anger and resentment kept him silent for a moment, and Pacey could only shake his head. He could tell she wanted to go out, though. "I don't feel like it, Jo. But you should go. Have fun."
Her eyes went wide. "Well, I'm not going if you're not. I'll stay here with you."
"Aww, really?" Dawson said with a frown. "You should come out with us, Joey. I'm sure Pacey doesn't mind being without you for a few hours. Do ya, Pace?"
Jaw clenching, he stood up from the chaise lounge. "Oh, I don't mind at all, Dawson." He looked at Joey. His gaze held hers. "I think I just wanna be alone right now. You should go with them. I mean it. Have fun."
She frowned. "Are you sure? I'd much rather stay here with you if you want me to."
He couldn't quite meet her eye. "I'm sure. I really do want to be alone."
"Well… okay," she said hesitantly, slightly worried that he didn't really mean it. Stepping closer to him, she handed him the keys to her truck. "Here. In case you need them."
"Don't you?" he replied, brows raised.
"I'll just ride with them," she said, tilting her head towards their friends. "They'll drop me back off here after the movie. I'll stay over with you tonight?"
"Sure," he muttered halfheartedly.
As he watched Joey walk away from the house beside a smiling Dawson, Pacey couldn't rid himself of the feeling that he was tainted with failure, inferior, worthless.
Not even half an hour later, there was a knock on his front door. He opened it with a look of surprise at who was standing on the other side. "Mr. Kasdan?"
"Pacey," his English teacher greeted. "May I?"
He stepped back, opening the door wider. "Sure. Come on in." Once his teacher was standing in his kitchen, he closed the door and led him to the living room. "I'm sure you're aware I wasn't in school today to take the final, so I can't imagine what you could possibly be here for other than to give me a lecture about throwing away all my hard work."
A grin tugged at Mr. Kasdan's mouth. "Fair enough. I'll get right to the point. Yes, I am aware that you were not in attendance. In fact, your… better half… informed me that you would not be sitting for the exam."
"Joey?"
"Yes, she let me know you were in some trouble and admirably pled on your behalf, just as you did for her some months ago. Did you study for the final you missed out on today?"
"I can categorically say that I studied my ass off, sir."
"Care to prove it?"
Pacey stared at his teacher in surprise as he pulled a folded exam booklet from his inside jacket pocket. "Why do you even want to help me? I mean, I know what you and the rest of the teachers think of me. It's what they've always thought of me. That I'm some lame, stupid, know-nothing student who's just slowing down everyone around me."
"Pacey, I don't—"
"No, it's okay. I know it's true. You know what really kills me about most of the teachers at that school? For years, I struggled in all my classes just to keep my head above water, so that I could achieve a barely passing grade and move on to the next year. Nobody offered to help. None of the teachers cared. They all wrote me off as an idiot, a joke.
"I mean, for the honor students, they're all willing to bend over backwards, but for me, a student who could've actually used that help, they couldn't wait to get rid of me! They passed me just so I'd be another teacher's problem. I busted my ass all year, and with no help from any of you despite working a double class load, and actually made honor roll. So, now you people are willing to help me? The very last week of high school? Should I be grateful?"
Mr. Kasdan took a deep breath and gave him a patient look. "I went through your student file at the start of the school year, and based on your grades in your previous classes, I expected you to need extra help. To need to be pushed to do well on your homework assignments, to actually turn them in on time, and to score well on tests. But… Pacey… you got a B plus on the very first test I gave back in September. You earned A's and B's all year. You've worked very hard from the first day you walked into my class. And when I compare the quality of the work you've turned in this year with what your former teachers have said… I can honestly say I am proud and glad to have had you in my class this year. You have been a joy to teach. And I cannot stand by and allow one missed exam keep you from walking on that stage and getting the diploma that you've worked so hard to earn."
Tears pricked his eyes. His throat tightened and he couldn't speak.
"You are not an idiot or a punch line, Pacey. You are why I teach. Those honor students that turn your stomach... they don't need me. They're gonna forget me as soon as they walk out the door. But you..."
"I have a funny feeling I'm gonna be telling this story for years to come."
"And if that should turn out to be the case, please describe me as a strapping, handsome man, possessed of an immense charity and a great, great goodwill."
Pacey chuckled. "I can do that."
The teacher glanced at his watch, and then handed him the final exam. "Mr. Witter, you have forty-five minutes."
He sat down at the kitchen table and grabbed a pencil while Mr. Kasdan made himself comfortable in the armchair in the living room. Pacey watched him pick up a magazine from the end table, and smiled. Then he opened the exam booklet and began.
Forty-five minutes later, he handed the exam back to his English teacher. Before anything could be said, there was a knock on his front door. Mr. Kasdan glanced at his watch again. "Ah, right on time."
Brows furrowing, Pacey walked through the kitchen to answer the door. Standing on the other side of it was his trigonometry teacher. "Hello, Mr. Witter."
"Er, uh… hi, Dr. Rochford."
"Can I come in?"
"Um… yeah, sure."
Pacey stepped aside, and the math teacher walked into his kitchen. After he closed the door, he turned to see the two men shaking hands.
"David, good to see you. So, how did he do?"
"Well, Mike, I'm about to go home and grade it. I'll find out soon enough, but I'm willing to wager that he did just fine."
Feeling bolstered, Pacey smiled. "Thanks, Mr. Kasdan."
"You're welcome. I'll see myself out. Good luck with your next exam."
Once Mr. Kasdan was gone, he turned to Dr. Rochford. "So… did Joey have something to do with you coming over here, too?"
The man smiled. "She asked me to do her a favor. She was quite insistent and… well, I find it to be very difficult to say no to Miss Potter."
"You and me both," he quipped.
"I was sorry to hear about your troubles. Well, I hope you studied for the trig final, Pacey."
"I can assure you I did, sir."
"Okay, then. There are thirty-eight questions, each worth two or three points. It counts one hundred points toward your final grade. You have to pass the exam to pass the class. You have two hours to complete, Mr. Witter."
Dr. Rochford handed Pacey a copy of the exam and a blank answer sheet, and he was soon seated at the small kitchen table, pencil in hand. Later, once his teacher had left, he collapsed on the couch with a tired sigh. He thought of what Joey had done for him, and felt touched by her willingness to go to bat for him, by her kindness, grateful for her care. The phone then rang, disrupting his thoughts.
"Hello?" he answered.
"Hello," a woman spoke. "Is this Pacey Witter?"
"Depends who's asking."
"This is Karen Jeffries. I'm a reporter with the Cape Cod Times. We're running a story in the morning about your father, Sheriff John Witter, and the effect your recent arrest and conviction will have on his election campaign. I'm wondering if you'd like to make a statement before the story goes to print?"
His jaw dropped. He hadn't really thought about the papers, the public attention. The embarrassment and humiliation, not just for himself, but for his family, for Joey. Horrified, his face flushed red and he slammed the phone down. Whatever hopeful, positive feelings had temporarily buoyed him after the realization he might not flunk out of school after all, came crashing down. His mood spiraled even lower than before. He stood there in the kitchen in silence, gripped by fear and anger and shame. And Dawson's voice filled his head once again.
"You're a screw-up, Pacey. You're always gonna be a screw-up. And one of these days, you're gonna screw up so bad, that Joey is gonna end up hurt and heartbroken."
On the couch, he held the remote control in his hand and kept his thumb punching on the channel up button, flicking through the channels though he wasn't paying attention to the TV. His mind drifted to Joey. He had made a real mess of things. Not just for himself, but for her. Their plans for Boston—gone. Her chance to attend Worthington in the fall—snatched away. Their friends were all going to go off at the end of the summer and start their new lives. Joey would be stuck there in Capeside, with him.
He didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve the trouble he'd caused her, her whole life now turned inside out. Her dreams dashed to pieces. She wasn't blaming him at the moment, and didn't even appear to be all that upset. He knew she was merely thankful he hadn't been sentenced to jail. Once her relief faded, the anger and resentment would surely rise, and he'd deserve it. No wonder she wanted to send him away on James Moore's yacht. He couldn't blame her for wanting to be rid of him.
A little while later, Pacey heard a key unlocking the front door, and knew Gretchen was home from work. He quickly shut off the TV and hurried up the stairs to his room, shutting himself away. But it wasn't long before there was the inevitable knock on his bedroom door.
"Pace? You okay? You feeling any better?"
"Go away. I'm asleep."
He heard her laugh through the door. "Listen, some friends from work invited me out tonight. I was gonna go, but I'll stay here with you… if you want me to?"
Why did it feel like he was suddenly everyone's charity project? "I'm fine, Gretchen."
"Okay, well… I'll probably be out really late and… well, there's a chance I won't come home tonight. I'll probably end up spending the night with… you know, a friend… and then just go straight to work from his place. So, you probably won't see me in the morning either."
"Gretchen, I know you're hooking up with that guy Chad from work. You don't need to tiptoe around it. It's fine. Joey's coming over later, anyway. So, don't worry about it."
His sister laughed again. "Okay. Goodnight, Pace. I'll see you tomorrow. Have fun at your graduation rehearsal."
"It'll be blast, I'm sure," he deadpanned.
Then he was finally alone. He lay on his bed and in his mind's eye, he could see everything plaguing him. The arrest. The courtroom. His father. His money, gone forever. Their plans for Worthington and Boston, ruined. The summer sailing job, and whether or not to go. Dawson, and Joey.
Dawson's contempt and disdain, and his unwavering belief that he was the better man, that he deserved Joey, that he had a right to claim her as his soulmate, that she belonged to him, that her virginity had belonged to him. But Pacey Witter, as unworthy as he was, had come along and stolen her out from under him. Dawson had believed all along that Joey was making a huge mistake, and now the guy had been proven right.
He could feel it; he could hear it.
You're not good enough for her. You don't deserve her. You're a screw-up.
As Pacey lay there in the darkness, tears stung his eyes and the silence hung like a shroud in his bedroom.
After they'd finished their meal at the downtown restaurant, the five friends sat around the table talking about their classmates and finals and graduation and summer plans. Joey found she didn't have much to add to the conversation. Pacey filled her thoughts. The sadness she felt over the unfairness of it all consumed her. She could only hope Mr. Kasdan and Dr. Rochford would come through for her—for him—and give him another chance to take his exams. She couldn't bear the thought of graduation being taken away from him on top of everything else.
She couldn't believe his father would be so callous and cruel. For as long as she lived, she would never understand his parents. To look at their son, this beautiful boy, and only think the worst of him… it was unimaginable. To have watched him grow from an infant to the incredible young man he was today, and not love him… was unthinkable. And the fact that, despite growing up unloved and uncared for by the very people who should've done the best for him, Pacey had turned out to be the most loving and generous person she knew, was nothing short of a miracle.
When it was getting close to time to leave for the movie, she walked outside the restaurant with Dawson while their friends used the restrooms. They stood out on the sidewalk, waiting. "You okay, Joey?" he asked. "You were kinda quiet in there."
"I just have a lot on my mind, Dawson."
"Worthington?"
Her college dilemma was honestly the last of her worries. She'd deal with that once she knew Pacey would be okay. Before she could say anything, Jen, Jack, and Andie joined them, and they started walking up the street towards the Rialto.
It wasn't long before they were all seated together in the theater. She'd wanted to sit with Jen and Andie, but somehow had ended up in the aisle seat next to Dawson. Although Moulin Rouge quickly filled the large screen in front of her, Joey found she couldn't pay much attention to it. She honestly wanted to leave. She didn't want to be there. She wanted to be with Pacey. Yet she couldn't bring herself to tell her friends, who were all engrossed in the movie, and make one of them leave the theater to give her a ride.
Time seemed to drag, but at last the credits started rolling. She jumped up from her seat, but Dawson gave her an affronted look of shock. "Joey, we have to watch the credits."
"Oh, right. I forgot." Frowning, she sat back down.
Eventually the last of the credits rolled, and she stood up and started walking out of their row. When they reached the parking lot next to Carmine's, they all stood around, bidding their goodbyes.
"I wish Pacey could've come with us," Andie said cheerfully.
Joey smiled sadly. "Yeah, me too. He said he wanted to be alone. Honestly, I don't even think he wanted me around. I wanted to stay with him, but he insisted I come out with you guys."
"Hmm."
As she saw Jen start walking towards the Saab instead of Dawson's SUV, her brows knitted. "Aren't you coming with us, Jen?"
Her friend turned and shook her head. "I'm spending the night at Jack and Andie's. I'll see you at school tomorrow." Jen smiled at Joey and Dawson. "All right, well… bye, guys."
"Goodnight," Joey replied with a smile.
As she started to turn, Andie grasped her on the arm, gently pulling her back. "Don't let Pacey push you away," she said firmly, and yet quietly so that no one else heard. "Don't let him, no matter how hard he might try. Okay?"
Joey blinked, taken aback for a moment. She laughed awkwardly, tucking her hair behind her ears. "Uh… okay, I won't."
"Good," Andie said brightly. "Okay, goodnight!"
Once Joey was seated in Dawson's car, buckling her seatbelt, he turned to her. "So, where am I taking you? Home, or…?"
She shook her head. "Pacey's house."
"All right, then."
Not long after they'd pulled out of the parking lot, it began to rain. Dawson turned on the windshield wipers. Other than the sound of the raindrops falling on the car, the short drive to Bridge Street was quiet. They were soon pulling into the driveway. "Thanks for the ride, Dawson," she said as she grasped the door handle. "See you tomorrow."
She quickly walked around the side of the house, passing by her truck still parked in the drive. As she stepped onto the back porch, hurrying out of the rain, she heard footsteps following behind her. She turned to see Dawson walking through the open gate. "What's up?" she said, surprised as he joined her on the porch.
"Joey, there's got to be a way around this. It's just money. You can't let that stop you from achieving something you've worked so hard for. You deserve to leave for college this summer, just like the rest of us."
She sighed heavily. "You make it sound like there's some easy answer. It's just not possible. I'll go next year. It's not a big deal."
"There's got to be a way you can go this year."
"There's not. I just have to accept it. I'll be fine. It's not the end of the world. I'll go next year when I can get more financial aid."
Dawson was silent for a second, staring at her, and then a small smile spread across his face. "Worthington is what you want, right? And if you had your way, you would want to go in the fall, right?"
"It doesn't matter what I want, Dawson. I have to deal with reality."
"Joey, yes or no?"
She sighed again. "Yes, of course, but…"
He smiled. "Then I want you to have some of Mr. Brooks' money."
Her eyes went wide. What? There was no way. She shook her head in disbelief. "Dawson, are you insane? I can't—"
"At least enough to get you to school, or… well, I can give you the money for all four years, if you want. I know it sounds crazy—"
"It's beyond crazy. I mean, I appreciate it, but Mr. Brooks gave you that money for a reason."
"Yeah, he gave me that money to do something great, and giving it to you would be exactly that."
This was ridiculous. She was still shaking her head. "I—"
Dawson laughed. "Look, I know you're gonna say no, and that's fine, but don't say no until you've at least considered the possibility. You accepted Pacey's offer, no matter how much you might've resisted, because you know how important Worthington is to you. I don't see why this should be any different."
"I'd never be able to pay you back."
"Wouldn't have to. The money would be yours, free and clear."
"Dawson, I would. And I can't take that much money from you."
"You took it from Pacey," he said, his tone almost sounding accusatory.
"And I hated to do it! You know how much it was eating away at me."
"So, you think it would ruin our friendship? Joey, if our friendship can survive last summer, it can survive anything. Look, I know how much going to this school means to you. I don't want you to throw away this opportunity. You shouldn't have to stay in Capeside any longer than you have to. I can't stand the thought of all of us leaving and starting our lives while you're stuck here with Pacey."
She frowned. "Dawson, it's too much. Can't you understand that?"
He stepped closer. "No, I can't. I can't understand why you just won't let me help you, Joey. I mean, maybe I'm being naïve here, but we've always been there for each other. I've watched you go through so much pain in your life. I mean, even before your mom got sick, and your dad..."
She shook her head with disgust. "Don't do this. Don't feel sorry for me, Dawson."
"I don't. That's not what this is about. Pacey offered to use his savings to help you, and you accepted it because you know he only wanted to help you. But he lost that money, and you lost the chance to go to Worthington because of it. Joey, all the pain I've watched you go through, I've never been able to fix it before. And this I can fix. All I need you to do is let me."
She could feel herself starting to waver. "Dawson…"
"Look, I know why you don't want to say yes, Joey. When you told me that you were having second thoughts about Pacey's money, you said it was because you felt like you'd be taking more than you were giving. You were afraid the relationship would be unequal. You were scared that you'd feel like you were indebted to him, that things would change between you, and eventually he would resent you and you'd lose him. You were probably right about him, but I know for a fact that nothing like that could ever come between me and you. You wouldn't have to worry about that with me."
Something in his face, in his voice, suddenly seemed arrogant, superior, and she bristled at her words being thrown back at her in that way, as if to compare himself to Pacey. "Dawson—"
"We're different, Joey. Our friendship is different. Despite all that happened this past year, here we stand. You're my best friend. You'll always be my best friend. Our friendship has withstood the test of time, and all the ups and downs we've been through these past few years. You and me? Friends for life. And unlike Pacey's savings, fifteen thousand dollars is just a small dent in Mr. Brooks' money, and even sixty grand would leave more than enough for me. Giving it to you won't change anything. I'm still going to USC and will have plenty of money to pay for it, regardless. There'd be absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about. There'd be nothing unequal between me and you. There never will be. And you never know, this might just bring us even closer. After the year we've had, I'd like to strengthen our friendship."
She took a deep breath. Tears pricked her eyes as gratitude for her friend's generosity began to rise up inside. She didn't know what to say.
"Joey, this is your entire future we're talking about. Take a day, take longer than a day, take whatever you need, but promise me that you'll consider it."
"Okay, I'll think about it. Thank you, Dawson."
After saying goodnight, he left. She found the sliding glass door unlocked, and she stepped inside the house, closing the door and locking it behind her. The living room was empty and dark. She removed her jacket and tossed it over the back of the couch before walking into the kitchen. She flipped the light switch. Taking a clean glass from one of the cabinets, she filled it with water. Sitting down at the small round table, Dawson's offer went round and round inside her head. She wanted to discuss it with Pacey, but was nervous over how the conversation would go.
Then she glanced down at the table and her eyes widened with surprise. On the table was a copy of the trig exam and sheets of lined paper that looked like Pacey had used to work out problems. Joey snatched up the exam and found the corresponding questions to the solutions he'd worked out in pencil on the lined paper. Most of them were correct. He'd found a way to take the exam. Dr. Rochford had done what she'd asked. She could only hope Mr. Kasdan had done, or would do, the same.
Filling with happy relief, Joey stood up from the table and made for the stairs.
Pacey had no idea how long he'd been lying there in the dark when he heard his bedroom door open and then close. He heard her quiet footsteps. He listened as she undressed, the unmistakable sound of her clothes dropping to the floor. The mattress dipped, and he felt her slide across the bed towards him. He felt her breasts press into his back, nipples sliding across his skin, as her arm reached around to hold him tenderly. Then she was kissing his neck; he could feel the compression of her lips, the wetness of each kiss.
I'm too tired for this, he thought, even as the one part of his body that never did much thinking twitched inside his pajama bottoms.
Her hand moved from his chest, across his stomach, and still lower. She nibbled his neck. "I love touching you," she said close to his ear.
"Jo," he breathed, his heart aching even as his body began to sing. She shouldn't want him right now. Why did she want him? Still, after an intensely emotional day, the thought of finding some relief in her warm, soft body, soothing his frayed nerves, finding a release for whatever was bound up tight inside him, was tempting and fed a deep need inside him. She probably needed the relief, too, the release his body could give her, but his heart just wasn't in it.
"I missed you tonight. I kind of wish I'd stayed here with you instead."
He didn't. "You deserve to go out and have fun… enjoy your life."
"Enjoy my life without you there?" she whispered, and then slid her hand beneath the waistband of his pajamas, reaching for his cock.
He grasped her wrist, stopping her. "I'm tired tonight, Joey."
It was obvious to her that he still felt miserable. "Pacey… I want… I want to help you feel better. I want to make you feel good."
"Why? 'Cause you feel sorry for me? I don't want a pity fuck."
His words stung her, and Joey opened her mouth for a sharp retort, but then she remembered Andie's advice and softened. "I don't feel sorry for you, Pacey. I feel for you. There's a difference. I want to help you. I want… I want to take care of you."
He didn't deserve her care. "Not tonight. I really am tired, Jo."
"Okay." She sighed deeply, but she didn't let go. She knew Pacey had had a very difficult, upsetting day. She only held onto him tighter, her hand pressed against his chest, feeling his heartbeat. She pressed soft kisses into his hair, the back of his neck, hoping her warmth and love could give him some comfort.
Silent tears began to roll down his face as he lay on his side, keeping his back to her. His mouth curled up into an almost heartbreaking pout. Pacey just wanted to be left alone. His sense of self-esteem had left him at a very young age, and despite all that Joey had done to help restore it over the past year, he could feel himself sinking back down. He was so tired in his heart and mind. He was reaching his limit. He had nothing left to give.
He was convinced he didn't deserve her love. He wouldn't blame her if she confessed that he had destroyed it with his failures and disappointments. He wasn't worthy of her. He knew this well. He'd always known it. Dawson had always known it, too, and had made sure to tell him every chance he got. Surely everyone around them knew it. So why didn't she?
Dread pitted his stomach. This relationship wasn't good for her. Despite her protests, he had held her back. He'd ruined her chance to go to Worthington in the fall, now forcing her to stay in this miserable town longer than she should have to. And he couldn't even promise that things would get better in time. That he would never mess up her life again. It was a truth staring him in the face. Why couldn't she see it? Why wouldn't she just cut him loose like she should?
He could feel anger at himself, and now anger at her began to grow. She should think more highly of herself, should believe she deserved more, deserved better. He should do the right thing and let her go, but how could he live without her? He needed her too much. He loved her too much. It would destroy him. And then his selfish, desperate need for her only made him hate himself more.
With her body spooning his, Joey closed her eyes, thinking furiously about how she should broach the subject of Dawson's offer and what she ought to do for Pacey and how much he deserved everything she could give him, and more. Then she must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes to see the light of early morning filling the bedroom.
After a restless night, Pacey woke, still tired, and wished he'd been able to sleep better. For a brief second his mind was blissfully empty, and then it all came rushing back. The arrest. The courtroom. His father. His money. Worthington. Boston. The summer sailing job. Dawson. Joey. He was a jumble of conflicting emotions. He'd hoped for some time to steel himself, to force his face into a mask, before having to face the day, to face her, but he could tell she was already awake. He wouldn't be able to hide. Even in his dreams, she had plagued him, bringing him close to climax and then stopping, again and again until he thought he was going to explode. He'd woken up rock hard and aching, and adding lustful need to the mix wasn't helping.
He was still lying on his side in front of her. Joey shifted closer, pressing her body against his, breathing in his scent. She wondered if she'd ever live to see the day Pacey Witter didn't arouse every elemental female need within her. Just the sight of him sent shivers through her body and warmed her insides.
She massaged over the cap of his shoulder, down his upper arm, flattening her breasts against his back. Her nipples were so hard, they hurt. Turn around, she thought. Turn around and kiss me.
He groaned as her hand came around to stroke his chest and stomach. He remembered the look in her eyes the very first time he'd made love to her that night in the ski lodge. She'd been a little frightened at first, and at the same time so alive, so in love with the feeling of him inside her. He could almost hear her whimper, and feel her pulsing helplessly around him. He groaned again.
Slowly, she began to slide her hand further down his stomach. She nipped his shoulder, purring in a delighted murmur. For a moment, he shut his eyes and let the bliss wash over him. "Joey," he said softly. He stilled her hand just below his belly button, where her fingertips had begun to play with his trail of dark hair, but he felt his control slipping. "I didn't get much sleep last night."
Stunned and hurt by another rejection, her face fell. "What's wrong?"
His brows furrowed. What's wrong? Everything. He'd ruined her life, just like everyone had said he would. He'd never hated himself more than he did right now.
His silence was tearing her up inside. Don't let him push you away. Joey set her jaw and placed a firm hand on his arm, turning him towards her, forcing him to look at her. She lifted a hand to his face, caressing his cheek. "Everything's gonna be okay, Pacey."
"Yeah? What makes you so sure?"
She wanted to mention Dawson's money offer, but instinctively knew this was not the time or place to broach such a sensitive topic. She still wasn't sure how he'd react, and it was more than likely he would not react well. "Because I love you, and you love me. Because as long as we're together, everything will be fine." Joey leaned closer and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Pacey," she whispered, and then kissed his chin. "I love you."
Don't love me, he wanted to say. Don't. But she was smothering him in kisses and whatever control he had was fraying at the seams. He covered her soft lips with his. They tasted so sweet, and she parted them to let him dip his tongue inside. Grasping her hip, he considered taking it further, but guilt washed over him. He drew away and started to release her.
Joey wasn't about to allow that. She pulled him with her until she was lying flat on her back and he lay above her. Her hands caressed his arms, shoulders, back. "Make love to me, Pacey. I want to feel close to you. I need to." The way he was acting frightened her, and her need for their emotional and physical connection was becoming almost desperate. It felt as if something was slipping out of her grasp. They had to connect. Right now. "Please. We both need it."
He watched how her chest heaved, causing her perfect breasts to rise and fall. In spite of his self-hatred and his anger, his attraction to her hadn't lessened any, nor had his love for her, his need, his desire. She was a beautiful woman with a body that could satisfy his lusts, and a heart and mind to satisfy his soul. Hating the weakness, he raised his head and skimmed his fingers along her breasts. Her sweet, taut peach nipples enticed his mouth, but he hesitated.
"Joey." As she pushed down his pajama bottoms, he watched the anxiety leave her features and desire take over, inflaming his own aching desire for her. With a few swift movements, his pajamas were tossed to the floor. In the end, he knew they were both highly sexual creatures.
He bent over and kissed her then, claiming her mouth, and not a teasing brush of lips, but a deep, lingering passionate kiss. The kind of kiss they wrote poems about. A kiss that Joey wished could go on forever… until she felt the hard length of Pacey's erection along her thigh, and she remembered there were far more pleasurable things than kisses, even when the kisser was Pacey.
She reached up and pulled him down until his mouth enclosed over one aching nipple. A flick of his tongue arched her back, and he nipped the peak. He then sucked greedily, drawing half of her breast into his warm mouth as his tongue swirled around, tasting her, teasing her nipple into a swollen bud.
Joey's back bowed as she offered herself eagerly as he moved to her other breast, holding his head against her, curling one leg over his hip as he settled between her thighs, not fucking her, not yet. But she felt his cock all the same. It was a heavy weight against her leg, a velvet stroke on the tender skin of her inner thigh.
"Pacey," she murmured hungrily, arching her hips against him, wanting to feel him inside her, wanting him so deep that, as she'd told him once before, she couldn't tell where he ended and she began. "Baby," she pleaded.
"Jo," he whispered, and she shivered when his breath blew over her wet breasts.
Her shuddering gasp served to spur him on. He pushed a hand between her legs to stroke her pussy. She moaned and whimpered as two fingers slid inside her. He pressed his palm down firmly on her clit, and thrust his fingers hard until her hips began to buck wildly. A wave of pleasure slammed into her, and her moans filled the room. He continued to slide in and out, the wetness of her orgasm coating his fingers.
Her head still in a fog of pleasure, Joey wrapped her hands around his neck, arching her hips towards him. "I need you inside me."
Pacey lifted himself above her, arms braced to either side of her shoulders as she spread her legs wider and then reached to stroke the thick length of his cock, so hard and smooth, so hot. Wrapping her fingers around him, gripping him tightly, possessively, she positioned him at the wet center of her apex, lifting herself so that his swollen tip barely slid inside her.
Joey lifted her gaze when he didn't follow through, didn't push deeper into her body, worried that he'd change his mind and stop. He averted his eyes, not wanting to meet her gaze, and then he flexed his hips. In a single powerful thrust, he drove himself forward, not stopping until his balls slapped against her, until she felt the touch of his cock against her cervix deep within.
The pleasure of her heat, her wetness, the tight fit, had his head spinning. He held there for a moment, as her inner muscles strained around him, adjusting to his thickness, as her cream coated his length until he was as soaked in it as she was. And then he moved again, thrusting strongly in and out. He thrust in as far as he could go and then pulled back. He took her over and over, not meeting her eyes, not wanting her to see the hurt and pain and anger inside him that would surely reflect in his gaze.
But she made him look at her, and he didn't try to hide. Joey's eyes suddenly wanted to close then. The power of his stare was almost too much to process, the emotion in his blue eyes, the inner anguish, the love brimming over, demanding the same of her. This physical thing they were sharing always demanded truth between them. He was baring his soul to her, and she had to do the same. He deserved it. He deserved everything she could give him. And so, she held his gaze, baring her heart, all the love she felt for him, her vulnerabilities, her fears, and her total trust in him.
"Joey," he growled, and his pace suddenly quickened, his cock slamming faster, moving in and out, skin slapping with every plunge.
Her legs tightened around his back as she arched her hips to meet every thrust. She pulled him down to her, wrapping her arms around him. He lowered his head, and she felt his warm breath on her neck. Her clit tightened and swelled with each thrust of his hard cock, and then the rush of exquisite pleasure surged through her as the tension burst into a throbbing orgasm. It overwhelmed her and she cried out, arms and legs tightening convulsively around him.
But as she cried out in ecstasy and writhed from the orgasm that he brought her to, something inside him twisted with anger.
You're not good enough for her! You don't deserve her!
The statement shattered his mind, breaking through the haze of lust he'd drifted into. He tried to move away from her, to push back and pull out of her, but she only held on tighter, gripping him to her.
Her pussy squeezing around him until he could barely move, milking his cock, Pacey groaned and cursed against her neck. His own orgasm rose closer to the surface, hovering just over the edge. Just when he thought he couldn't take another second, she pressed her lips to that spot on his throat, her tongue tasting his skin, and his climax came with such a strong force that felt so good and felt so wrong. He cried out in both agony and bliss, and emptied every drop of his release deep inside her. "I love you," he moaned against her neck, the mindless pleasure surging through his body. "I love you… I love you."
The feel of him coming inside her combined with the delicious sounds of his pleasure sent Joey over the edge again with a keening moan. She had no idea how long it was before the fog of bliss began to clear for her gentle return to awareness. Then she welcomed the weight of Pacey's body as he collapsed against her, his hips still flexing, his cock still hard inside her, moving slowly, languorously, still fucking her.
Eventually he softened and slipped out of her. Raw emotion welled up inside him, and he felt as if his chest had cracked wide open with the power of his feelings for her. Overcome, he pressed his face into her neck.
Something warm and wet trickled onto her skin, and realization made Joey wrap her arms around him even tighter, holding him against her. "Don't cry," she murmured. "Everything's gonna be okay."
"Those aren't tears, Jo. It's the rain. There's a leak in the roof." His choked voice was thick with emotion.
She snorted and rolled her eyes, shaking her head with a smile. She cradled him with her long legs and held him in her arms. "You're going to be fine, Pacey. We're both gonna be okay. Everything will work out. You'll see."
A feeling of renewed hope buoyed him. What would he ever do without her? He was a fool if he thought he could ever leave her, even for just a summer, even if it was for her own good. Closing his eyes, Pacey drifted to sleep with the feel of her fingers in his hair.
Later, he woke to an empty bed. He sat up and looked around, feeling a bit disoriented. He glanced at the clock to see that it was almost eleven. It was Wednesday. They had to be at school by twelve-thirty for their Spanish final. He had his last meeting with Mr. Kapinos after that, and then the rehearsal for graduation was scheduled for three o'clock. He sighed deeply, and then the smell of coffee and bacon hit him full force. His mouth watering, he hopped out of bed.
When he walked into the kitchen, he was hit with the pleasurable sight of Joey standing over the stove, wearing his blue bathrobe and flipping pancakes. He smiled, his heart warming at the sight of her. The sex had cleared his mind, relieved the tension inside him, and he'd woken happy and sated. Several hours of sound, restful sleep had helped, too. Maybe things weren't as terrible as they'd seemed yesterday. Maybe Joey was right, and everything would be okay.
Pacey walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, kissing the back of her head, smelling her hair. It smelled strongly of her vanilla shampoo she kept in his bathroom, and he knew she must've taken a shower. "The sight of you in my bathrobe really does it for me, Potter."
She laughed. Setting the spatula down, she turned in his arms. "Well, good morning to you, too, sleepyhead. I was about to go upstairs in a minute and wake you from the dead."
"Well, what do you expect after making me come like that?"
Joey blushed, giggling. Then she pursed her lips and threw him a pointed look. "See? This is why you shouldn't have resisted like you did. There's nothing wrong with letting me take care of you. I know what you need."
"I know, I know. I'm a moron. It's an established fact."
"Pacey, you are not a moron. You're just a silly boy. There's a difference."
Smiling, he bent his head and kissed her. After she handed him a cup of hot coffee with just the right amount of sugar that she knew he liked, he went over and sat at the table. He took a sip and set his cup down next to the trig exam he'd left there the previous afternoon. Filling with warmth and appreciation for her, he looked over to where she stood at the stove.
"Breakfast is almost done," she told him as she flipped a pancake out of the pan to join a small stack on a dinner plate, before returning the plate back to the oven to keep them warm. "I just have a couple more to make, and then we can eat."
"Jo, come here."
The tone of his voice and the look in his eyes made her cheeks flush. Chewing on her bottom lip, she walked away from the stove. His arm came around her as he pulled her down to sit in his lap. Her arm went around his shoulders and she kissed the top of his head.
Pacey grabbed the trig exam booklet and slid it towards her. "I want to say thank you."
"For what?" she replied innocently.
"You know what. My finals I missed. You got Mr. Kasdan and Dr. Rochford to let me take the exams."
She beamed a surprised smile. "Mr. Kasdan? Did he come over here, too?"
He nodded in the affirmative. "Yes, he did. And now I'm pretty sure I'll get to graduate. And all thanks to you."
"It was the least I could do. You know, sometimes having the perfect boyfriend is a lot to live up to. I gotta pull my weight in this relationship." She gave him a playful, teasing smile, and then dipped her head to kiss him.
Pacey watched her move off his lap and head back to the stove. "Perfect boyfriend. Yeah, right. I think we can bury that moniker for a while."
It wasn't long before they were both seated at the table, pancakes and bacon and glasses of orange juice in front of them. "I suggest we spend the rest of the morning only conversing in Spanish," Joey said. "You know, to prepare for the final."
He chuckled as he took a bite of a slice of bacon. "Sí, señorita."
Laughing, she cut into her pancakes with the side of her fork. While they ate breakfast, trying their hardest to only speak Spanish, Joey couldn't help but wonder how in the world she was going to bring up Dawson's offer of paying for her to go to Worthington. She knew she should hope for the best, instead of expecting the worst, but she couldn't prevent the knot of dread that began to tighten in the pit of her stomach.