June 6. Once they had arrived at the student parking lot, Pacey walked hand in hand with Joey towards the high school. Quite a few of their classmates were also heading for the main entrance. It wasn't long before he started to notice people staring at him. As he stepped inside the building and entered the hallways, he caught several students whispering to each other and looking at him, quickly turning away when they made eye contact.
It was a feeling Pacey recognized immediately; it was like he was back in tenth grade when the whole school had found out about Ms. Jacobs; it was like just this past winter when pretty much everyone in the senior class had read that sex quiz Joey had filled out on the ski trip.
It meant they all knew. Everyone in school. The whole town. The entire county.
"Uh, Jo… I might've forgot to mention something," he said hesitantly as they made their way to the gymnasium for the foreign language finals. Once they were finished with the written exam, they would have to go upstairs to see Mrs. Martina for the oral exam. The French students, like Dawson and Jen and Jack, would have to go see Mrs. Musolino.
"Yeah?" she replied, glancing at him.
"Yeah. I'm, uh… I'm pretty sure yours truly is in today's paper. I imagine I'll be on the local news, too."
Realization made her frown. "Oh, no."
He sighed and shook his head. "I never wanted to humiliate you like this."
"Pacey." She looked at him in shock. "I'm not humiliated. I feel awful for you." Some of their classmates caught her attention, and she realized why they were staring. "Well, just think—after tomorrow, finals are over. No more school. Graduation is Sunday. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. You'll never have to see these people again. And even better, you won't be stuck around here all summer."
"What do you mean?"
"The cooking job. You know, on Mr. Moore's yacht."
"I never said I was going to take it, Jo."
Her brows knitted. "But I thought—"
Anger started to churn in his stomach and he let go of her hand as they entered the gym. "No, you told me to take the job. I never agreed to."
Joey took in his stiff demeanor, and instantly knew she'd made the right choice in not telling him about Dawson's offer before the final exam. The last thing she wanted to do was possibly upset him right before he had to sit down and take an important test. "Well, I think you should, Pace. Anyway, we can talk about it later."
He knew her intentions were good, but did she have to be so insistent on sending him away? The resentment began to well up again. Of course, he couldn't blame her for being eager to see the back of him. Yet even while knowing he had told her to cut him loose if she had to, and believing it would be in her best interests to do so, knowing she didn't deserve his baggage, he couldn't bear to leave her, to lose her. Like all men, he knew he was ultimately selfish. The thought only made him feel worse. "What's there to talk about? I'm not taking it."
She took a deep breath, shoving down her annoyance at his stubborn tone, gathering her patience. "Fine, Pacey."
After signing in at the table at the front of the gym, manned by two teacher's aides, they walked toward the desks in the designated Spanish section at the back of the large room. While making their way, they passed by their friends seated with the other French students. Joey caught Jen's smile and waved back. Her eyes locked with Dawson and she quickly looked away, her stomach suddenly a jumble of nerves.
She and Pacey found seats next to each other at a couple empty desks. Not another word had been spoken between them, and his posture hadn't relaxed any. His jaw clenching, she could feel the tension pouring off him. She could only hope his mood would improve as the day went on, but with the way people kept turning in their seats to stare at him and then turn back to whisper amongst themselves, the outlook wasn't good.
The guy sitting in front of her turned around in his chair to face her, and she saw it was Chris Wolfe. "Well, hello, Joey Potter," he said with a friendly smile.
She blinked. "Um… hi, Chris."
He turned to look at her boyfriend. "Tough break, Witter. I, uh, didn't know you were into chemicals. I have to say… I'm kind of surprised."
Pacey scoffed, shaking his head, not bothering to reply.
"He's not," Joey said adamantly, coming to his defense. "Those drugs belonged to Drue Valentine, and that cretin left them in Pacey's car."
"Oh, man, that sucks." Chris frowned. "You know, Witter, if you ask me, I'd say Valentine deserves another ass kicking."
"It's tempting, but I have to keep out of trouble. I can't really afford to have any physical altercations."
Chris shook his head in disgust. "Drue is a piece of shit. He shows up senior year and then walks around like he owns the place. And he's a real dirtbag for what he did to you, Joey."
She gazed at Chris in surprise. "I'm surprised you care. I'm sure you were cheering him on."
He gave her an affronted look. "What kind of guy do you think I am?"
"I know exactly what kind of guy you are," she sneered.
He took a deep breath. "Look, if this has anything to do with the stuff that went down with Jen Lindley sophomore year…" He shrugged in defeat. "Okay, yeah, that was messed up. I was a jerk who treated girls like they were disposable. I admit it. But you all took that purity quiz at my house, right? Did I go making copies and spreading them around the school? No, I didn't because, unlike Drue, I have some class."
"So, how are things with Ashley?" Joey asked, wanting to change the subject.
"We broke up after prom," he shrugged, and she seemed surprised at his nonchalance over the end to his relationship. They'd been dating since Homecoming junior year.
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Well, it was inevitable, right? We're going to different colleges, hundreds of miles apart. What's the difference if we break up at the end of the summer or after we get to college? We both know it's gonna happen, so let's just get it over with, ya know? Why cling to something you know is bound to end?"
Lifting his head, Pacey stared at Chris, the words sinking in, his guts twisting into a fierce knot.
"Well, maybe it doesn't have to be bound to end. If the relationship is important to you, then you could try to make it work long distance," Joey replied.
Chris scoffed. "Yeah, right. Long distance relationships aren't real."
Her brows knitted, and she remembered Pacey saying something very similar to her last year while discussing her relationship with A.J. when he drove her to the train station on that cold Saturday in March before her life changed forever.
"And you're supposed to just enjoy your life in college, ya know? Soak in the freedom and the experience of it all. Not sit around and wait for your girlfriend to call you on the phone crying, and confess she's been hooking up with some guy in her dorm for the past month and that she wants to break up. I mean, who wants that? Not me. I'm gonna have fun in college. I want Ash to have fun, too. I don't want her to feel guilty about wanting to have fun without me, or worry about what I'm doing or not doing while I'm hundreds of miles away. She feels the same. We don't wanna end up hurting each other. That's not how we want to break up. It's best to end it now while we still love and trust each other."
"Yeah, I mean, that's understandable…" Joey chewed on her lip. As much as she'd tried to encourage Pacey to go to culinary school, she was now feeling somewhat thankful they would never have to deal with this kind of dilemma.
Chris smiled and glanced between them. "But I heard through the grapevine that you guys are going to Boston together. I'm glad it's gonna work out for some people. You know, I gotta admit I was a little miffed when you two got Class Couple, but you two are seriously the only ones left standing. So, I gotta give props where they're due."
She chuckled and returned his smile. "Thanks."
Pacey stared down at his desk. They weren't going to Boston anytime soon, their dreams torn in pieces, and all because of him and Drue Valentine and his own father. The physical and emotional release Joey had given him this morning had helped clear his mind of the self-hatred he'd been wallowing in, and the clearer his mind became, the angrier he started to feel. He sat there and swallowed his sense of outrage, his pain, his anger at the injustice of it all, at the encyclopedia of bad decisions that led up to the loss of his savings. He wanted to rail and scream. Feeling dangerously close to tears, he clenched his jaw and shoved the emotion down, willing them not to form.
Before anything else could be said, a teacher's aide appeared and told Chris to turn around before handing them their exams. The final commenced promptly at twelve-thirty, and for the next thirty minutes, the gym was quiet except for the rustling of papers, the occasional cough, and the sounds of students getting up from their desks to turn in their tests once they were done.
Joey and Pacey finished before most of the other students seated in the Spanish section. After heading upstairs and each taking their turn with having a fifteen-minute conversation with Mrs. Martina, they were free to go.
As they headed back down the stairs, Joey turned to Pacey and smiled. "So, how'd you do?"
"Excelente," he remarked. "On the oral part, anyway. I'll have to wait to find out the written grade. You?"
"Bueno." Her stomach churned. She had to tell Pacey about Dawson's money, sooner rather than later. There were pros and cons to both saying yes and saying no, and she felt torn.
When they reached their friends, who were walking out of the gym, she watched Pacey make a beeline for the water fountain. "Hey, guys," she greeted them. "How'd you do?"
"French isn't my best subject, but I think I did all right," Jen answered.
"Same here," Jack added.
"I did okay, I think." Dawson smiled. "So, have you given any thought to my offer?" he asked, and her eyes widened. Why would he bring it up in front of Jen and Jack? He read her face and smiled again. "I told them, and they agree that it's a really great idea and you should take me up on it."
She was stunned. Why would he do that? Joey turned to see her boyfriend walking back up the hall towards them, and she started to panic. "Don't you dare say anything to Pacey!" she hissed at Dawson. "I haven't talked to him about it yet."
"Okay, okay. I won't."
"It sounds like Dawson's solved your problem, Joey," Jack said. "I don't see how you could pass it up."
"Yeah, that's amazing," Jen agreed.
Suddenly Pacey was there. "What's amazing?"
Joey's face went red. "Oh, uh, I told them that you probably aced the Spanish final since you've gotten straight A pluses all year long," she said in a rush, and then turned to their friends. "He has a higher grade than me in Spanish."
"Oh. Well…" He shrugged it off.
"Oh, Pacey," Jack said as if suddenly remembering something. "My sister said to tell you that she knows you have a big exam tomorrow, and she's more than willing to offer her expert services to help you cram for your final. She still has all her index cards, organizational charts, and study guides from last year."
He chuckled with amusement. "Of course, she does."
Joey bristled as a stab of jealousy went through her. "Well, I think I'm perfectly capable of helping you study."
Pacey locked eyes with Jack, exchanging a look, and pursed his lips before giving his girlfriend the side-eye. "What makes people think I need help at all? I got a B plus in chemistry on my last report card."
"So, uh, the graduation rehearsal isn't until three. You guys wanna go get something to eat?" Dawson asked, changing the subject. "How about Connie's Diner?"
"I have to see Mr. Kapinos at two," Pacey replied. His gaze swept over Joey and his friends. He sensed some weird tension. Had they been talking about him before he'd walked up? He had a feeling the discussion probably wasn't actually about his performance in Spanish class. They should go out. It would give them all an opportunity to talk about his problems without him being around. "You should go with them, Jo. I'll see you back here for the rehearsal."
Her stomach twisting, she couldn't put it off any longer. "I'll meet you guys at the diner," she said to her friends.
Pacey watched Jack, Jen, and Dawson walk away. He wanted to be left alone. "Why don't you just go with them?"
"Well, your meeting isn't for another half hour. I'll stay with you until then. It's such a beautiful day. Let's go outside."
He didn't reply, and merely shrugged. She took him by the hand, threading their fingers, and led him in the direction of the doors near the cafeteria. They were soon sitting on one of the picnic tables outside the school. The sun was shining. There wasn't a cloud in the gorgeous blue sky. The grass was vividly green. The weather was warm. Summer was officially just around the corner. They sat in silence. Joey held Pacey's hand in both of hers, pressed it, played absently with his fingers.
Despite the feel of her touch bringing his butterflies to life, feeding the warm sensations of being in love, completely and unconditionally, he wanted to pull his hand away. And he hated that he wanted to.
Her stomach tightened into fierce knots as she took in his rigid posture and knew he wanted to pull his hand from her grasp, but she held on. They sat in heavy silence until she saw his body begin to relax. But he still wouldn't look at her, and that hurt worse than the silent tension between them.
"I really have to work on my graduation speech," Joey groaned, attempting light conversation. "It's this Sunday, and I haven't written a single word. I think I'll go home and try to work on it this afternoon after rehearsal. If I don't concentrate, I'll never get it done. I don't even any idea of what to say. Maybe I'll find some inspiration to write it in between studying for the two exams I have tomorrow." She scoffed.
Pacey said nothing, and watched their classmates meander in and out of the building. Some of them still throwing stares at him. Another summer away from Capeside suddenly didn't sound so bad.
Joey took a deep breath. There was no easy way, she just had to come right out and tell him. "Pacey," she said. "Last night when Dawson dropped me off at your house after the movie, he offered to gift me some of Mr. Brooks' money to pay for Worthington."
He was stunned into silence—a silence of blinking eyes and hanging jaw—a silence which he held for a long time, letting the idea filter slowly through it. The more he thought about what she said, the less stunned he was. Of course, Dawson offered to pay, but he knew the guy would want something in return. He stared at nothing, shaking his head, and pulled free of her grasp. Why did she have to go and tell Dawson they'd planned to use his savings to pay her tuition? This whole situation now played right into his hands.
She tucked her hair behind her ears. "Say something, Pacey," she breathed, nervously playing with her fingers in her lap.
He wanted to say something, but his throat was too thick, too filled with the anger inside him. He looked at Joey with a heavy heart and took a calming breath. "Well, what did you say?"
"He made me promise I'd consider it. I told him I'd think about it. I wanted to talk to you before I decided anything. What do you think I should do?"
Memories from earlier came forward, and he remembered her confident, reassuring voice, telling him that everything would be okay and everything would work out. Now he knew why. It was clear to him that in her heart she'd already made her decision. Asking him for his opinion was just a courtesy.
Fear constricted her stomach. "Pacey, say something. Please."
"What's there to say, Jo? It's not up to me. You make your own choices. Worthington is what you want, and now Dawson can help you get to Boston at the end of the summer like you planned."
"You mean he can help us get there like we planned."
He averted his eyes from hers and swallowed. If Dawson had actually made this offer in hopes he would also benefit, he'd eat his shoe. The anger was threatening to overwhelm him. "Right," he said, his voice taut.
His demeanor immediately filled her with dread. "Pacey…"
Glancing at his watch, he stood up from the picnic bench. "I should start heading to Mr. Kapinos' office. I don't want to be late. I'll see you at rehearsal, Jo."
Her face fell as she watched him start to walk away. "No, don't leave," she said, standing up. "Pacey, if this bothers you…"
He turned to look at her, but didn't stop, and kept walking backwards. "You don't need my permission, Jo. The choice is yours to make. It's your life. It's your future."
"Yes, but it's our…" Her voice trailed off. His face was hard, and it was obvious he just wanted to get away from her right now. Maybe he just needed some space to think about it, come around to the idea. Or not. She sighed. "It's okay. We don't have to talk about this now. I hope your meeting with Mr. Kapinos goes well."
He laughed derisively as he turned to walk forward. "Oh, yeah. I'm sure it'll go great," he called over his shoulder.
Joey frowned as she watched him walk away, no longer in any mood to meet up with their friends, and sat back down. She crossed her arms on the table and leaned over, hiding her face. She felt emotionally fatigued. Why was everything suddenly so difficult?
Pacey spent his last counseling session with Mr. Kapinos, the school psychologist, with the same sense of bitterness and dread that he had carried during his first session. He was quiet and aloof. It began the same way those first couple sessions had: with Pacey staring quietly at the table and Mr. Kapinos trying to talk to him without pressing too hard.
"I was happy to hear you'd been able to take your English and math finals, despite not being in school yesterday."
"Yeah."
"I'm truly sorry for what's happened to you, Pacey," the counselor said sympathetically. "It's very unfair."
"Yeah."
"How are you dealing with everything?
"All right. I guess. I don't know. Well… I've been feeling, you know, uh, kind of… worthless again, like I hate myself. So, after weeks of all these meetings, I guess I failed at this, too."
"Pacey, you didn't fail. It's no surprise that a terrible situation like this would trigger negative thought patterns." He folded his hands together. "What about your family? Are your siblings being supportive?"
"Gretchen is trying to be, but she works, you know, she has a life. I haven't talked to Doug since yesterday morning. I don't even know if I want to. I haven't heard from Amy, but I assume I will sooner rather than later. I'm honestly kind of surprised she hasn't called yet. And Carrie…" He sighed. "Carrie has her own problems."
"And how are things between you and Joey?"
Pacey honestly had no idea. "I don't know. Ever since the night I was arrested, I've just felt… angry. Angry at myself, at Drue Valentine, at my father, at the world, and—"
The man nodded. "Well, that's understandable."
"No, it gets worse. I've also been feeling angry at Joey. I don't even know why. I resent her when she's not there for me, but I get angry when she is. I don't want her around, but I need her around. I don't want her to touch me, but I need her to touch me. I don't know what the hell I'm feeling.
"I hate myself for what's happened, but it's like she's not upset at all. I mean, she's upset this happened to me, but shouldn't she be pissed off that I messed everything up for us? Sure, Drue can take the blame, but I was the one dumb enough to even put myself in that situation in the first place. Stupid Pacey screws up yet again. And she doesn't care that I screwed up. She doesn't care.
"She should. She has every reason to be upset. Everything's ruined because of this. I wish she'd shout at me. Scream and cry. Blame me. Hate me. But she doesn't. She does nothing but try to help me feel better about it, and it makes me angry. And then I feel guilty for being angry at her. I know my mistakes and shortcomings don't have anything to do with her. I don't know what's making me so angry."
Mr. Kapinos took a deep breath, considering all that Pacey had said. "Have you tried talking to Joey about how you feel?"
He shook his head. "Uh… I wouldn't even know how to start."
"It'd be worth a try. Just tell her everything you just told me. Maybe if you talked, you'd be able to get to the bottom of it and figure out the real reason why you're feeling so angry."
Pacey wasn't sure he wanted to figure out why. The conversation surely wouldn't lead anywhere good.
"Or maybe we could find a way to get to the bottom of it here." The counselor appraised him for a moment. "How do you feel about your father right now? Have you spoken to him since what happened at court?"
"No, and I'm never speaking to him again. That man forfeited any right to talk to me or lecture me about anything."
Mr. Kapinos sighed. "And your mother?"
His mother. She'd called him nearly every day last week, leaving messages on the machine, asking him to come home for dinner, asking him to join the family at the upcoming campaign rally this weekend. He had no idea if the rally was even still on. His mom hadn't called since Sunday night. "It's been a while since I talked to her. I haven't seen her since her birthday."
"If I recall correctly, that was back in April. That's a long time to go without seeing your mom, especially someone your age. How do you feel about that?"
"I don't feel anything."
It was true. He now felt numb where his mother was concerned. The outrage he'd felt towards his father had even suddenly dulled. A new turmoil now usurped everything else that had been plaguing his mind. He found it difficult to focus on Mr. Kapinos, who was now reading to him an article about changing negative thoughts and habits and turning one's focus toward positive thinking and goals.
He wasn't listening. Dawson consumed his mind.
"You're a screw-up, Pacey. You're always gonna be a screw-up."
Pacey lowered his gaze and stared at the table while his counselor continued to read.
"I know you're gonna keep messing up, and every time you do, I'm gonna be there to fix it and pick up the pieces. I don't need to prove that I'm the better man than you. We both know I am, and the more you screw up, the more she'll start to see the truth. And it'll be me she runs to when it becomes obvious that you'll never give her the stability and security she needs."
Mr. Kapinos abruptly stopped reading, tossing the article aside, and leaned over. "Pacey, I want to tell you that I'm very sorry for how much we let you down."
He looked up from his self-induced trance with a confused expression.
"Mr. Kasdan told me about some of the things you said to him when he came to your house yesterday," he explained.
"Oh."
"Since you were a kid, the adults in your life have let you down, ignored you, neglected you. This school has to share some of the blame. We should've recognized the trouble you were having early on. We should've given you the help and support you clearly needed. And for that, I am truly sorry."
Pacey lowered his gaze. "You don't have to apologize. You weren't even here before junior year."
"Someone at this school needs to apologize. It may as well be me," Mr. Kapinos said with the same sincerity that had won him over in the first place. "Pacey, I need you to know that none of the things that have happened to you are your fault. Everything your dad has done to you since you were a boy—it's not your fault. The way your mom ignored you and deprived you of affection—it's not your fault. When teachers wrote you off and didn't want to give you the time and attention you needed—it's not your fault. And what happened in that courtroom yesterday—it's not your fault."
Tears pricked his eyes. His throat seized with emotion, and he swallowed against the lump forming there.
"Pacey, the basic human personality is shaped during childhood. There is a direct correlation between childhood feelings and present-day problems. If your parents didn't love or accept you or build your self-esteem, this will follow you well into adulthood. The sooner you can confront feelings of low self-esteem and self-hatred as the lies they are, the sooner you can start to heal from the things you have been through."
He could only nod, still unable look him in the face.
"All the times in your life when your parents or other significant people didn't give you the comfort or encouragement you needed; times when your parents or the other significant people in your life compared you to others, making you feel inferior; times your parents or others made you feel unworthy." Mr. Kapinos paused and the silence grew until Pacey finally looked up to meet his gaze. "None of that is your fault. It was never your fault."
He still couldn't speak. He could only stare as his counselor held his gaze.
"These things made you feel worthless, undeserving, and you didn't understand why the people you loved made you feel this way. I'm guessing that deep down you've carried around the fear that someone would find out what it was about you that was so unlovable."
His heart constricted. His throat closed up. His chest felt tight; it was difficult to breathe. He felt himself unraveling, the raw emotion now threatening to overwhelm him.
"Pacey," Mr. Kapinos said gently. "Are you angry at Joey because she accepts you for who you are, flaws and mistakes and all?" He paused, letting the words hang in the air between them. "Are you angry at Joey because she loves you?"
The truth of it washed over him so suddenly that he was left gasping with the force of it. Unable to fight anymore, Pacey buried his face in his hands and wept, his whole body shaken by the violence of his sobs.
Mr. Kapinos didn't speak again until his sobs had subsided, and he'd wiped his tears and dried his eyes. "Pacey, you are deserving. You are worthy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to have just as bright a future as your peers who have had it so much easier than you. You have to find a way to start believing that about yourself because it's true. It is absolutely true."
Pacey felt emotionally fatigued, but at the same time, the cry had had a cleansing effect. He felt he could think more clearly. He wanted to speak up. He wanted to tell Mr. Kapinos how much he appreciated his help. He wanted to thank him for listening and understanding, and for reaching out to him as no one else at Capeside High ever had, but it all just hurt too much, so he sat there quietly.
They ended up going over the usual time. When the session was over, Pacey got up to walk out, all the while choking back an incredible lump that was forming in his throat.
"I'd like for you to keep in touch, Pacey. But if you can't, or don't want to, I understand," Mr. Kapinos said as he followed him to the door. "And in the future, wherever you end up, I encourage you to seek out someone to talk to whenever you feel the need to. Rebuilding healthy self-esteem will be an ongoing process. You can always call me, if you want. I am very interested in your future. I see great things in store for you."
Pacey stopped dead in his tracks and closed his eyes as he fought hard for composure. Finally, he slowly turned and faced him. "Thank you, Mr. Kapinos," he said quietly as tears pricked his eyes.
"You're about to graduate and our sessions are over. You can call me Tom."
"Okay. Tom." He extended his hand to shake.
Tom refused his hand and instead grabbed him into his arms and embraced him in a warm hug. Emotion threatening to overwhelm him again, Pacey allowed himself to squeeze back for a moment before he quickly pulled away and walked out the door into the hallway.
The Capeside High senior class were sitting in the chairs that had been set up behind the school, and listening to Principal Peskin, who stood at the podium.
"Welcome to the rehearsal of Capeside High's cap and gown ceremony for the graduating class of 2001. The actual ceremony will take place this Sunday at high noon. To kick off the graduation ceremony, your class salutatorian, Miss Josephine Potter, will deliver a speech which, uh, I am sure will both razzle and dazzle us for many years to come. Miss Potter, it's go time."
Joey stood up, a bundle of nerves, and made her way to the stage, where she took her place at the podium. "Uh... my speech isn't quite ready yet. Uh... so, I guess I don't really have anything to say right now. Um... thank you."
The audience began to clap as she walked away from the podium. She returned to her seat, joining Dawson, Jen, Jack, and Andie. "No one says a word," she commanded.
"All right," the principal continued. "A quick reminder for those of you who may be susceptible to dark pagan desires." Joey turned and stared daggers at Drue Valentine, who had the gall to act confused and turn to look behind himself. "If you are considering pulling a graduation night prank, think again, I can assure you that security will be... tighter than Ricky Martin's pants."
None of the students laughed. "Oh, brother," Jack groaned, and Jen snorted.
Joey threw a grin his way, but then her stomach tightened once again into anxious knots as she scanned the other rows of students and the manicured grounds behind them. "Pacey still isn't here yet," she whispered to her friends, brows knitting with worry.
"Maybe his meeting with Mr. Kapinos is just running late," Andie assured her.
"Maybe. But what if it didn't run late? What if he just didn't want to be here?" She hated how they'd left things. What if Pacey was mad at her? What if he didn't want to see her? Talk to her?
"Don't worry, Joey," Jen said, giving her arm a squeeze. "Of course, Pacey wants to be here."
Jack's brows shot up. "Did something happen between you two? You never gave us a real reason why you never showed up at the diner."
"I said I wasn't hungry."
"You're always hungry."
Joey ignored Dawson, and turned to look over her shoulder. The sight of her boyfriend hurrying across the school lawn filled her with instant relief.
Pacey was rushing up to join his friends, but suddenly Mitch Leery was in front of him, preventing him from going any further.
"Hey, Pace."
"Look, Mr. Leery, I'm really sorry that I'm late, but I was with Mr. Kapinos, and usually I'm out of there well before the hour is up, but, you know, today we kinda ran late, so…"
"It's not about your being late, Pacey. I wish it was."
He eyed him, his guts knotting. "That sounds vaguely ominous. What is this about?"
Mitch sighed heavily. "It's about your recent arrest and conviction that was in the paper this morning."
"And what about it?" His stomach twisted sharply.
"Well, unfortunately, you might not be able to attend the graduation ceremony."
His face fell. Could anything else go wrong in his life? "Don't tell me that, man. I have sacrificed my entire senior year for this, okay? I pulled double class loads, I have done everything that you people asked me to do."
Mitch did not look happy. "I know you've worked hard, Pacey. I do. But some concerns have been raised about allowing a convicted felon to associate with the other students on school grounds."
"You've got to be kidding me."
"Principal Peskin is now insisting that, uh, you keep off school property until he can come to a final decision about letting you attend graduation."
His eyes popped and his jaw dropped. "What, so you're kicking me out?" His gaze flickered to his classmates, whose attention had been drawn away from the podium where Andie now stood. His eyes locked with Joey's and then Dawson's, and he quickly looked away. "Okay, please don't do this to me here, Mr. Leery. I'm really under a microscope right now. Please."
Shaking his head, Mitch gave him a sympathetic frown. "I'm sorry, Pacey. Believe me, it's not my decision."
"But there's still one day left of school. I have three final exams tomorrow. Where am I going to take them if I can't be on the property?"
"Principal Peskin realizes that, and he's making arrangements for you to take your finals in a room separated from the rest of the student population."
Unbelievable. "Way to kick a man when he's down."
"I really am sorry, Pace. If it were up to me…" Mitch Leery breathed a heavy sigh. "You… you should go home now."
Pacey shook his head, and couldn't bring himself to look again at Joey, despite the fact he could feel her burning gaze. He wished the earth would open up and swallow him. "Fine."
Without a set of wheels anymore, he started walking home. After he'd been walking for about fifteen minutes, he ran into his brother, who was leaning against his parked squad car. "Can I help you with something in particular, Dougie, or does this just fall under the category of general harassment?"
"A minute ago, I drove right by you. Now, either you were purposely ignoring me, or you just didn't see me."
"No, I was just invoking the hard-earned lessons of my youth: avoid eye contact with any and all authority figures at all costs. Even the ones who spend their free time decoupaging while listening to Madonna."
His brother rolled his eyes. "Please, God, may that never get old. So, Pace, how you doing? Everything okay?"
He blinked. "Oh, yeah, I've never been better, Dougie."
"How's school?"
"Well, apparently, convicted felons aren't welcome on school property. So, the Powers That Be at our beloved Capeside High, they haven't decided if they're gonna let me attend graduation or not."
"I'm really sorry to hear that, Pace."
He scoffed. "So, there you have it. Now, why don't you run along home and tell the folks that little brother is living down to expectations. And cancel that huge graduation party I'm sure they were gonna throw in my honor."
Doug sighed, frowning. "Listen, Pacey, when are you gonna know for sure, huh?"
"If I can go to graduation? Well, I have to actually graduate first, right? I have three more finals tomorrow, and one is chemistry. It's a big one. I failed it last year, remember? I'm pretty sure I'll pass this time, though."
"Listen, uh... I could help you study. We could, you know, spend some time together."
Apparently, he was even Doug's charity project now, too. "Well, boy, I appreciate that, but I'd really rather you do something beneficial with your time, like, I don't know, solve a murder." He started walking again.
"Wait a second, Pacey. I want to help you. I'm serious here."
He turned back around to face him. "You're serious? I'm serious. Everybody is serious. But you know what I don't understand? Why everyone won't just leave me alone, because it seems to me, the sooner I get out of this place and you're all rid of me, the better off everyone will be."
Pacey turned around and started walking again. This time Doug let him go.
He hadn't been home an hour before the telephone was ringing. After that call from the reporter, he wasn't about to answer it. He stood in front of the sink, glass of water in hand, staring at the phone and waiting for the answering machine to pick up.
The machine beeped and then Joey's voice filled the kitchen. "Pace, it's me. Are you there? If you're there, please pick up."
She paused, and he didn't move an inch towards the phone.
"Well, okay. Um… I just got home, and now I have to try to work on my graduation speech. Bessie gave me a letter that apparently my mom wrote for me to be read when I graduated. I'm sitting here on my bed and I just can't bring myself to read it. Anyway, what happened earlier at rehearsal? Please call me. Or I can come over later… if you want. We could finish talking about what we were talking about earlier." She sighed. "Okay. Well, bye."
He heard the click as she hung up, and the machine turned off. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about Dawson and his money. And the thought of having to tell Joey that her embarrassment of a boyfriend was no longer allowed on school property turned his stomach. He'd busted his ass to get to this point, to be able to put on the cap and gown and walk that stage with the rest of his friends. It felt like the world had conspired against him. He really was cursed.
He was soon sitting on the couch in the living room, his textbooks and notes in front of him, trying hard to concentrate. He was looking over a corrected homework assignment when there was a knock on the sliding glass door. He stood up and turned to see Dawson standing on the other side of the glass. Perfect.
Pacey went and opened the door. "Hey. Joey isn't here, and neither is Gretchen."
"Actually, it's you I want to talk to."
"Okay," he said, stepping aside to let Dawson in. He had a strong feeling he knew exactly what the guy wanted to talk about.
He returned to the couch and a moment later Dawson was standing in front of him.
"Joey told you, right? About the money?"
"Yep."
"So, what do you think?"
Where to even start? "I think that fifteen thousand dollars is a lot of money to give somebody with no strings attached."
"What does that say about the money you were going to give to her?"
"Dawson, of course there were strings. We're in a committed relationship. It's all strings. Everything binds us together. The money was for us. For our life in Boston. What you're offering, on the other hand…"
"She deserves to go to Worthington, Pace. You know that as well as anyone else. She deserves more than..."
His face hardened. "What? More than me?"
Dawson's posture became defensive. "That's not what I said, and it's not what I meant."
He raised a skeptical brow.
"Pace... she's been fighting for a school like Worthington since the second we got into high school... against enormous odds, against people who have been writing her off simply because of her father, and she did it. I mean, she beat the odds. She got in. And I can't stand to sit back and watch her lose it all over something as stupid as money. And I don't think you can either. Can you see her being happy anyplace else?"
"No, I can't."
"Can you see her being happy staying here in Capeside with you while the rest of us leave this summer? Waiting around to hopefully get into Worthington next year?"
He shook his head and took a deep breath. "No."
"Then you gotta convince her to take the money, Pacey. She won't give me an answer, and the longer it takes for her to decide, then the bigger the chance she'll say no and end up stuck here."
Stuck here. Unhappy with him. Pacey wondered if this was how Dawson was making his argument to Joey as well. "What's in it for you?"
"What do you mean, what's in it for me? I get to help my best friend."
"Just out of the kindness in your heart. How selfless of you, Dawson."
His eyes narrowed. "I can't go off to USC and leave her to wallow here. I want Joey to have the life that she deserves. That's all. So, please talk to her, okay?"
Pacey watched him walk towards the door and got up off the couch. He was sure Dawson believed that the life she deserved was with him. He followed him to the door.
"Dawson."
As he stepped through the sliding glass door onto the porch, he turned around and looked at him.
"Now, I know that you believe everything you just said in there. I know you want what you think is best for Joey. I know you want her to go to Worthington. I know you want her to have a good life. But I also know that, especially when it comes to Joey, you've never done anything where the primary motivation wasn't your own self-interest."
His face hardened, and Pacey caught the telling flicker in his eyes.
"So, I'm gonna ask you again, Dawson. What do you think is in this for you? If Joey takes the money."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Pacey."
He watched Dawson turn and walk off the back porch, making his way through the yard to the open gate that led to the driveway. Once he disappeared from sight, Pacey returned inside the house and sat back down on the couch. He'd never be able to study now. The conversation he'd just had with Dawson went around and around his head. And he was right: anytime Dawson had done anything remotely supportive of Joey, there had been an ulterior motive behind it. And he often failed to be supportive whenever he didn't think he'd benefit from it in some way.
So, what did Dawson want?
"You're a screw-up, Pacey. You're always gonna be a screw-up."
"I know you're gonna keep messing up, and every time you do, I'm gonna be there to fix it and pick up the pieces."
"She's going to regret she ever chose you over me, and she'll regret that she hadn't waited for her soulmate and wasted her affection on you."
Joey would regret that she hadn't gifted Dawson her precious virginity, which he so clearly believed he deserved. The guy believed he was owed. What was rightfully his had been given to someone unworthy, and surely Joey would inevitably come to that conclusion, too. Pacey shook his head. Why was it always about sex with him?
His thoughts turned to last year, that fateful night in April he'd stood in front of Dawson's house with Joey while their best friend raged at them. Dawson had accused her of being bored, confused, or malicious, as those could be the only possible reasons for her having any interest in Pacey Witter.
Then Dawson had turned on him, and assumed there could be only one reason he would be interested in Joey.
"So, I guess it's safe to assume that friendship doesn't come above sex in your list of personal priorities."
And then a few weeks later, when Pacey confronted him, the same issue was raised.
"Oh, so she was vulnerable. Perfect for you, right? 'Cause you're only interested in girls you can save or screw, right, Pace?"
Joey had eventually told him everything Dawson had said to her upstairs in his bedroom that night he found out about them. He thought it was awful telling that Dawson's main concern involved sex. The guy's one true worry over Joey getting involved with Pacey Witter was that she'd have sex with him, and that meant Dawson would lose out on his destiny where two pure soulmates lost their virginity together.
Pacey knew that a large part of it had to do with Dawson's sense of ownership over Joey, wanting her all to himself, but perhaps just as big was Dawson's belief that both he and Joey were too good for him. Pacey knew Dawson had meant everything he'd said in that drunken rant at his sixteenth birthday party. He knew Dawson believed him to be inferior to both himself and Joey. The rage and indignation Dawson must've felt to know Joey Potter had degraded herself by sleeping with Pacey Witter.
The white hot anger might've faded over time, but Dawson's fixation on Joey's virginity and his own self-proclaimed rights to it surely hadn't. Pacey knew Dawson believed that by Joey choosing him, having sex with him, it meant the guy had been personally wronged somehow. And he knew Dawson still believed he and Joey were soulmates, and that he was still destined to lose his virginity to her. He'd heard enough from Gretchen to know that was true.
This Worthington ordeal was surely the opportunity Dawson had been waiting for to prove to Joey just how poorly she'd chosen, just how much of a mistake she'd made. And if she was forced to stay in Capeside another year, it probably wouldn't take very long for him to eventually convince her that he was right. And if he saved her with this money, saved her from Capeside, it probably wouldn't be very long until he tried to manipulate her gratitude and appreciation for his help into something else.
"I'll eventually get what belongs to me, Pacey. Fate always has a way of working itself out."
Maybe the universe really was conspiring against him.
Pacey went up to his bedroom. Once inside, he opened the top drawer of his dresser and pulled out a piece of paper. He stared at it for some time before going back downstairs. In the kitchen, he walked over to the telephone on the wall and lifted the receiver. He dialed the number that was written on the paper. It went straight to voicemail.
At the beep, he took a deep breath. "Hi, Mr. Moore… uh, James. It's Pacey Witter. Look, I know I've left this at the last minute and I'm probably too late and you probably already filled the position. But if the prep cook job on your yacht is still available for this summer, then I want it. Call me back if you get the chance."
He gave Mr. Moore his home number and then hung up the phone. He felt sick to his stomach. He didn't want to think about Dawson. He didn't want to think about Joey. He didn't want to think about his family. He didn't want to think about graduation. He didn't want to think about this summer. He didn't want to think about potentially life-altering conversations he didn't want to have. He needed a distraction. Something that would drown out the thoughts in his head. Thoughts he didn't want to be alone with.
Pacey's gaze fell on the phone again. Impulsively, he grabbed it from its mount on the wall and dialed a number he knew by heart.
"Hello?" a female voice answered.
"Andie."
"Pacey," she said brightly. He could almost hear her smiling through the phone.
"Does your offer to help me study still hold?"
"Why, yes it still does."
"Can you come pick me up and take me back to your house?"
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
Pacey was on his front porch waiting, backpack over his shoulder, when the familiar Saab convertible pulled in the driveway. Andie parked and raised herself up off the seat and appeared above the windshield. A grin on her face, she pushed her sunglasses up to rest on top of her head. "Ready to pull an all-nighter, Witter?"
"You bet, McPhee."
She beamed a smile as he stepped off the porch.