POV: Jordan

Pastel blue shirt, grey skinny jeans, denim jacket and a real smile. Backpack strung over shoulders, a sigh of relief and a fascination with the way my fur stood on end as a chill wind blew through. I couldn't stop smiling, finally free from the dark clothes, finally free of the fake body I pranced around in. This was who I was, and I wanted to show the world that. No more would I be wearing dark clothes, no more would I be smirking for pictures with a hand on my hip, strutting in heels, tensing the muscles in my legs so as to not trip and embarrass myself in front of everyone.

Now I wore simple white shoes, dirty from last year's rain and laces frayed with time. Jeans were ripped near the knees, and my shirt had a little pocket on the side, perfect for putting nothing in. I wasn't scared as I walked through the hallways, passing animals who didn't take double takes, thinking of me just as another snow leopard. I was nobody to them...and I liked it. I liked being able to roam around the school without everyone knowing my name, cringing by the posters, bringing back memories which were supposed to make me feel sad, but looking back on them fondly.

Nobody knew what the feeling was like, to look at an animal which you thought was some scheming hyena, who made at least one day a little bit better. He came up behind me as I breathed in the cold air, rubbing my arms and chuckling from my stupidity. Whatever, I didn't need a jacket, I didn't need an animal to hug, to wrap my arms around. I was fine being alone, but I wasn't lonely.

"You're quite adorable when you sleep," Nathan said as we made our way to a creaky wooden bench.

"You were watching me sleep?" I said with a laugh, placing my backpack to my side and bringing my legs close together. He was wearing his usual green jacket, fake fur on the hood and a zipper which would've made any animal go insane from the sound.

He shrugged his shoulders, jacket slightly falling off and exposing his black shirt. "I went into the audiovisual room cause I knew you would've showed up anyway, and I wanted to be there when you did. I didn't want you feeling alone." He reached into his bag. "Which reminds me, I brought us breakfast, if that's ok with you." His hands came out with two of the breakfast boxes the school sold, simple eggs and toast. It wasn't anything too special, but it was special to me.

"Do you know how long it's been since I've had breakfast?" I said, greedily grabbing the box from him.

"Too long," he replied with a smile.

We ate together as the sun rose across the horizon, animals trickling out of the dorm buildings with their friends. Everybody ignored us, nobody paid attention to the hyena and snow leopard eating breakfast on a bench, and I liked it.

"You know," I said, mouth full of food, "everyday was like a battle, trying to one-up myself each day with a different clothing option, different routine, and different interaction with animals. It feels nice to just...sit here and forget about everything, to be someone different."

"Well, nobody really knows who I am, so I think if you hang around me, everyone should avoid you." He said it so easily, like it didn't matter to him that nobody knew about him, that nobody even cared about him.

"If this only lasts for a day, if I only get to be like this for a day, it might just be the best day of my life," I said, looking up into the sky, picturing different things in the clouds.

A sheep ran up to us, hands shaking. "You're-you're Jordan, right?" she said excitedly.

I smiled. "Yup, that's me."

"Oh my gosh!" she continued, "I love you so much, do you think I could get your autograph?" I glanced over to Nathan who shrugged his shoulders. The sheep handed me a notebook and pen and I wrote my name down. "Thank you!" she giggled, running back off to her friends.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Guess it didn't last that long."

"Guess it didn't. But hey, at least she was nice about it."

"I was really hoping my change in attire would just...make everyone go away for a day, I wanted them to see the animal underneath."

Nathan slanted his smile. "Well then act like yourself. We both know you being a bit edgy definitely isn't the real Jordan, so show the world the real Jordan."

"That's the thing," I said with a sigh, "I don't know the real Jordan."

"Well outward appearances are only one thing. You can change your clothes whichever way, but people are still going to see the Jordan who stood up to Brittney on the stage, who fought for Alex, and who scolded the whole school on mental health. They're only going to see the Jordan who put herself out there in videos and campaign ads. So this time, give them something else to look upon."

"But how do I do that?"

He shrugged. "I don't think I'm the one to tell you that." Nathan paused for a moment, something he never did, and moved his mouth without saying any words. "I...can I tell you something?"

"Go for it," I said, stabbing my eggs with a plastic fork.

He breathed in deeply. "You're my best friend." I stopped mid-bite and he continued. "You're my only friend...and-and I care about you...a lot." Heat rushed to my face and I absent-mindedly moved my hand to meet it, warmth filling my entire body.

"You're...my best friend too…" I said, voice trailing off. Alex was my best friend, he was always going to be my best friend. But wasn't I allowed more than one best friend?

The best animals in life are free.

Nathan let out a deep breath, closing his eyes as his air made a small whistling sound. "Sorry, I'm-I'm not the best at expressing my feelings."

I giggled, jabbing his side, masking my embarrassment and this new emotion that flooded my body. "It's ok, I'm not either."

He smiled back at me, his eyes holding happiness with how they shimmered in the new rising sun. "Whelp," he said, standing up and throwing his box of food away, "school is gonna start soon, what's your first class?"

I groaned. "Herbivore studies, worst class ever."

"Why are you even taking it?" he said as he hoisted his backpack up from the ground.

I stood up, meeting his gaze. "To be honest, I have no idea. It seemed like a fun class at the start, but it's just…"

"Boring," Nathan added.

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll walk you there, can't be too far, right?"

"As long as your class isn't that far away," I said.

We left the bench, walking together and talking as strangers avoided our pathway. Nobody paid attention to the snow leopard and hyena, nobody ran up to me for an autograph, and nobody cat-called me like they used to. It felt nice to have Nathan by my side, to have someone with me for once in my life. He was special, he was different. He wasn't Alex, he wasn't Steven. He was just Nathan.

Nathan dropped me off at my class, racing down the hallway with his tail wagging behind him. I felt kinda bad that he was almost made late to his class because he decided to walk me to mine, but it was cute to watch him stumble past animals and round corners. A smile made its way onto my face as I entered the classroom, the guinea pig of a teacher raising an eyebrow front my casual attire, but ultimately shrugging his tiny shoulders and beginning the class.

School continued its horrible routine of classes and whispers in the hallway, suffice to say, I didn't miss it. Missing my classes was the best part of my day. Focusing on the campaign was time consuming and tumultuous, yes, but that didn't mean I didn't like it. The only thing I didn't like was Brittney and getting away with everything. I wanted it to change, but change could only happen with time. History told us multiple times that rapid change only led to more chaos.

Class after class, period after period, bell after bell, I walked the hallways with my backpack on my shoulders. A small part of my brain missed Alex and his presence, having him by my side and entertaining me with his silence. To say I completely let go of him was wrong, totally incorrect. But I did begin to think that I didn't need to always focus on him. I could worry, call and swarm him with texts. But it wasn't going to be him and I, it wasn't going to be this fairytale ending. So was it wrong that I let go of those feelings which were kept prisoner in my heart? Was it wrong for me to see through the pollution which clouded my mind? Was it wrong for me to move on?

I didn't know, and there wasn't anyone to tell me if it was wrong, I just had to trust myself. But trusting myself only led to disaster and heartbreak, it only led to emotions that were conflicting and tears that didn't need to be shed. Maybe I would call Alex after school, maybe I wouldn't. He had Steven, and I had Nathan.

As I was making my way to my last class, Brittney cut me off. "Jordan," she said, staring me directly in the eye, "we need to talk."

I scoffed. "About what?" Then I sighed, softening my tone. "Sorry, look I just want to focus on school right now." She rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand, but I tore away from it. "What the hell? Please can I just have a normal day for once?"
She groaned, hands on hips. "Look, this more important than your stupid normal life or whatever. I wanted to talk to you after the meeting yesterday, but you walked away. This is more important than any of us right now. So please, just listen to me."

I narrowed my eyes. "Why? What have you done for me?"

"Seriously Jordan? Stop acting like everything is all about you for once!"

"I don't have time for this," I said, pushing past her. "If it really was important, then you wouldn't act like a bitch."

She scoffed. "I'm not trying to have a conversation, I'm just telling you to watch out for Mrs. Carter."

My body froze at her name, connecting it with Alex. I turned around, getting in her face. "What do you know about her?"

"That's the thing," Brittney said as she stepped closer. "We don't know anything about her. I'm not allowed to see her background check, and nobody is telling me anything about her. It's like the school just asked this random cheetah to come in here and fix your friend. I don't buy it, there has to be something else to the story."

"Thanks for the warning," I said as I turned my head away from her. "I'll make sure to keep it in mind."

"You may have changed your outfit, but your personality hasn't changed at all. You're not fit to run this school, and you never will be." Brittney turned on her heel and left, my fists clenched tight. I released the tension with a breath. Her warning rang through my head, but I wasn't going to listen to Brittney. If she really was worrying about something, she would've just gone to the authorities or the principal. Everyone was in her glamorous pocket.

But if she was telling the truth, if she was genuinely concerned about something other than herself for once, it had to have meant something.

"Brittney, wait," I said, catching her as she rounded a corner. She had a smug look on her face, crossing her arms.

"So you came crawling back. Or is it just because I name dropped Alex that you're finally starting to listen?"

"We both know this is about Alex," I said, staring her down. "Now, what do you know?"

She shrugged and started to walk away, I matched her pace. "To be honest, I don't know anything, that's what worries me."

Fear of the unknown, typical Brittney.

"How do you know something's wrong with her?" I said as we walked down the hallways, gaining the attention of animals around us.

"How do I know? Simple, I just do. Jordan, I run this school, I know everything that goes on everywhere. Except there's one thing I don't know, that's Mrs. Carter's office. She's keeping secrets from everybody, and we both know Alex could be a dangerous animal if push came to shove." She sighed as we entered the front office, the lion guards making way for both of us. "I'm sure you'll relay this information to that hyena of yours so I'll just say it now, get it off my chest and onto yours. I think Mrs. Carter is the killer."

I crossed my arms, raising my eyebrows. "That's a pretty bold statement, Brittney."

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, I can't really explain it, something about her just rubs me the wrong way." She patted her cheeks as she opened her office door. "Be a good kitty and find some information about her, will you?"

"I'll do it, but not for you."

She rolled her eyes. "When are you going to stop making everything about Alex? When are you going to focus on everyone else besides him? He isn't that special, and he shouldn't be at this school to begin with. I only agreed with you at the meeting to get you to listen to me for once, I think he should be expelled. But we both know what would happen with you if that were to happen."

I could play the part of two animals. One who was sweet and kind, and the other who was terrifying. "Well then one of us wouldn't be alive to tell the tale," I said, fists clenched.

Brittney glanced down, her eyes widening for a split second, then softening. "Sometimes I forget you're a carnivore just like everyone else. You put yourself on a pedestal just to gain attention, right? That was the whole point you wanted to run against me in the election, so you could gain attention. Don't think I don't see through your lies and deceit, Jordan. I should just leave you in your own misery, I mean, you are the loneliest animal this school has to offer. I'm only telling you about Mrs. Carter because if Alex fell victim to whatever plan she's creating, we'll end up with more than just two dead animals in this school." She shut her office door in my face, screaming on its hinges, something in the other room crashing to the floor.

It somehow always comes back to you, doesn't it? It's all about Brittney and what she wants, it's never about anyone else.

I left the hallway, stealing a glance from Mrs. Baker as she was taping up drawings to her wall. Mrs. Carter caught me walking through the hallway and her annoying voice called my name. Taking a deep breath and bracing for whatever she may have heard, I entered her office.

"So good to see you," Mrs. Carter said. "Please, have a seat. I want to talk to you about Alex." I sat down in her chair, crossing my legs and keeping my hands in my lap. Crazy thoughts ran through my head as I wondered if she really was capable of killing another animal, especially one that was surrounded by scheming animals. Maybe she thought she was in her element, that nobody could figure her out.

"So, this is about Alex?" I said.

She sighed. "I know some animals here don't seem to like me very much, especially that Brittney. But I just wanted you to hear it from me, my only priority is to make sure that Alex feels safe and comfortable. I'm not going to sugarcoat it though, I'm going to have to ask questions about the rabbits murder. Although he has already been ruled out as a suspect in my mind, the police are not so convinced."

"Then convince them," I sneered.

"Oh believe me, I wish I could, but they're not going to listen to me. I have to make sure Alex has no connection with that rabbit, and if we do find the killer, I need to make sure he has no connection with them as well."

"When is he supposed to be coming back? Since you seem to know everything."

Mrs. Carter knitted her eyebrows together, her claws painted a crimson red. "We're still trying to figure that out. Right now his parents don't want him coming back to school, they don't want him to become a part of this investigation. Did you hear about the investigation? It's being conducted right outside of the school. If you have or find any information, you can talk to Mr. Parker."

Steven's dad.

I shifted in my seat. "Can I go now? I'm going to be late for my next class."

Mrs. Carter checked the clock on the wall, squinting her eyes through her glasses. "I suppose so, although I do like our talks. I hope you visit often. And please support Alex through these trying times."

Even though we're not trying.

"You got it," I said as I closed the door behind me, breathing a sigh of relief and hiding my shaking hands.

️ ️ ️

I slumped onto the couch in the audiovisual room, Nathan typing away at some homework problem. He wasn't a dog, far from it, but the school still allowed him into their special classes that were only meant for dogs. I always found it kinda weird, but it only cemented the fact that he was ridiculously smart, even if he acted naïve sometimes. That was just who he was.

My eyes glanced over to his back, regular green jacket. "Nathan, can I tell you something?"

He turned around to face me. "Sure, what is it?"

I took a deep breath. "Brittney thinks Mrs. Carter killed the rabbit."

Nathan nodded his head slowly, eyes glancing around the room, never focusing on mine. He cleared his throat. "And she told you this, specifically?"

What was I doing? Nathan was the weirdest animal in the school, and possibly the one who killed the rabbit if I thought about it long enough. So why was I telling him about the conversation with Brittney? Why was I adding more fuel to the fire?

"I can tell from your silence that you don't want to talk about this anymore," he said, turning in his chair.

"I do I just," I sighed, groaning at thought. "I don't know. I thought today would just be a normal school day, I could go around for one day and just...be happy for once, you know? But now, after being told everything, I don't know what to think anymore." I sat up, slumping my shoulders. "It felt so nice to just walk in the hallways without everyone staring at me. It was so...amazing to just be myself for a couple of hours. But now...I don't know what to think."

Nathan continued typing on his laptop. "So Brittney thinks Mrs. Carter ate the rabbit? What's the reasoning behind this accusation?"

I made my way over to him, watching his mouse moving through sites that contained backgrounds on everybody. He was quite the hacker. "Brittney said she has no information on her, the school hasn't told her anything and nobody really knows anything about her. I didn't really have my suspicions, I just thought she was weird like you…" Silence filled the air. "Sorry about that," I added.

"If I took offense to it, you would know. Back to Mrs. Carter." He pulled out a paper from his backpack, pushing it towards me. "This is the police report from that night with Alex. Do you think you could look over it? Maybe you'll find something out of the ordinary."

I picked it up, skimming through the words in messy handwriting. "Do you think Mrs. Carter did it?"

"We have to rule out every possibility. I don't think she did it, but then again, I don't think Alex did it either."

"Who do you think did it then?" I asked, slumping back onto the couch.

"I don't know, but it's highly unlikely that it was someone in this school, they would've been found out by now."

"Unless they're good at hiding it," I murmured.

"Unless they're good at hiding it," Nathan repeated.

We spent two good hours rereading, skimming and following up on leads that led to nowhere. We came up with nothing, Mrs. Carter was clean. Nathan turned in his chair, laptop on his legs and empty coffee cup getting increasingly closer to the edge of the table. "I found a document that says she graduated top of her class, majoring in psychology and sociology. She has a PHD in animal studies and all of her former employers have great things to say about her. Though they always let her go, they don't state why."

"Well you're smart," I said, filing papers we printed out and shredding them, removing all the evidence. "Why do you think they fired her?"

"Right now my best guess is that she did something the former institutions were either scared to publicize or she didn't do anything and they found someone better to do her job."

"Where did she work again?"

Nathan clicked around. "It says she worked in the hospital Alex stayed at as a physiatrist, although she was fired from that as well. She then moved onto starting her own private practice, but that did not yield results-" he stopped mid-sentence, eyes skimming over something.

"What is it?" I asked, intrigued at his sudden change in behavior, but that was Nathan for you.

"It also says her husband was convicted of...predation. He ate a gazelle ten years ago and was put in jail. He hasn't been released since, his sentence is forty years."

"Wait what?" I said, rolling off the couch and scooting towards him. He pointed at the screen and I read it out-loud. "Carlson Carter was convicted of predation, being placed in jail for forty years and no chance of probation."

"I'll look more into it," Nathan said.

"How do they know it was her husband?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"They found his finger prints on the gazelle, and he admitted to it."

"Was there any other evidence?"

Nathan peered at the screen. "There doesn't seem to be...except for a couple bits of fur which matched Mrs. Carter's husband." His eyes grew wide. "Holy shit, there was fur at the scene matching Mrs. Carters as well."

"That...that doesn't mean anything, right?" I said, backing away, clutching my phone in my hands.

"The most reasonable explanation is that her husband had some of her fur on him which fell off his clothes or whatever as he ate the gazelle. Still...it's interesting to think about."

I groaned, falling back onto the couch, pillows and sheets rising into the air. "Ugh, I don't want to think about it anymore. With Mrs. Carter, Brittney and Alex constantly swarming my mind, it's just...too much."

Nathan closed his laptop, sighing and resting his cheek on his hand. He took a couple glances around the room, and I wanted to know what he was thinking of. What was going on inside his head, and was he ever going to tell me? I still had this random feeling in my stomach. It wasn't butterflies, more like a tightness in my gut and heart. And I wished I knew what it was. But I did what I did best and pushed it down, farther into the dark pits of my psyche.

What is this damn feeling?! And...why do I like it?

"This doesn't even feel like school anymore," I said. "It doesn't feel real. I thought I would just be advocating for carnivores in a school that didn't care about them, explaining the importance of mental health and other issues everyone struggles with. But lately, it's just...so much more than that." I started to cry in my hands, ships sinking in my tears. "It's so hard to pretend everything is ok, when it's not. It's so hard to just act like someone else, someone who I'm not. But no matter what I do, I'm pushed and pulled in two different directions everyday."

Nathan got up from his seat and sat down next to me. I leaned onto his shoulder, keeping my face covered with my hands as I cried. "I just-I just want it to be over. I just want to go back when my friend didn't kill herself, when I still was naïve to the world and nothing mattered. It's never going to go back to that though, and I know I should let stuff go, but it's so hard to just forget about it all. I'm still in love with Alex and I can't get over it, even though I know he doesn't love me back."

"I'm sure that's not true," Nathan said. "Just because he's in love with Steven doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Love isn't a limited resource. Everybody has infinite amounts of love, but it's how they chose to spread that love, that's what matters."

"I know he loves me," I said wiping my face. "But he doesn't love me, and I just can't seem to let it go."

"It's good that you feel that, lets you know that you're alive." His eyes darkened, low and hollow as he stared at the ground. "You never know what life will throw your way, so it's good that you're trying to understand the emotions rather than pushing them down."

"I do push them down," I said, laying my head on his shoulder. "I push down every negative emotion so that only the positives show up. I pretend that everything could last forever, but life is never worse, it's also never better. I just don't know what to do anymore...maybe I should just drop out of the campaign." There was no surprised reaction from Nathan, only the slow rising and falling of his chest.

When he spoke, he sounded sad, but understanding. "If that's what you want to do, then do it. I'll support you either way."

I sighed, emotions fading away. "I was just...acting on impulse. I know what it would do to the animals of our school, they look up to me, they want me for their president. I just don't know if I can do it, if I can make their lives better."

"Well you wont know if you don't try."

"I'm just trying to move on from Alex, I think I need to focus on that right now," I said, standing up and grabbing my backpack, then setting it back down on the ground and basking in the light of the audiovisual light. Was I the problem, or the solution?

Was I desperate for attention?

Was I only using Alex to further my own political game plan?

Should I have just let him wallow in his own misery?

What the fuck do I know?

"Hey Jordan?" Nathan said. I turned around to face him and he swallowed hard. "You...um...you look better when you're not wearing black."

"I feel better when I'm not wearing black," I said with a sigh. "But it's nice to know someone thinks so as well." I smiled, the same emotion filling up the empty pit in my stomach. My face filled with heat as he stared at me and I stared back, letting go of my fears and ghosts. Sighing, I brought my hands to my face, cold being met with warm, emotions trickling down my cheeks. Skies grew darker outside as currents of tears washed him out to sea, and out of my mind. The only thing I could see-the only thing I wanted to see was the hyena sitting in front of me with a slanted smile.

Do you know what I feel when I look at you? When I think about you? When I sit next to you?

It hurts, and I can only push it down so far, I can only forget about it for so long before it starts to make its way back.

But, do you like me? Do you feel the same way?

I don't think I can take another rejection, that's why I keep it hidden, that's why I hide it away from you

But I think I know the feelings.

Do you?