Rule #12: Don't shit where you eat

"Ribbit? What's that, Toru?" Tsu croaked in question as the invisible girl waddled across the living room with a rather large bulging cardboard box in cradled her arms. The girl in question was rather eager to delve into the box's contents, particularly as school was due to start soon and Iida was clearly eyeing up the exchange with a tense expression from across the room as he polished his glasses like a man possessed. His obsession with being early to class was almost frightening really.

"Er, hand-me-downs, I think" Toru replied as she hefted the box up onto one of the dining tables with a quiet oompf. "My brother said he was going to send some of his old stuff over"

"Ooh! So like, what kinda stuff did he send over?" Mina leant over Toru's shoulder with her half-eaten bowl of cereal in one hand and her spoon still stuck in her mouth. In turn, Toru ran a steak knife she'd plucked from the utensil drawer, down the centre of the tape and sliced it open with one clean sweep.

"It's probably just some old tees and other junk that he couldn't be bothered to throw out" She shrugged, easily diving into the box's hidden depths.

The first layer of hand-me-downs contained several large bags of sweets (mostly from his trips overseas), the kind you could by in bulk at some wholesale store and acted as a protective layer for the other things within the box. Next came the piles of old clothes neatly tied together with some twine in an attempt to look presentable despite their obviously ratty appearance. Several of the faded hero and Pride t-shirts bore wear-and-tear holes along the hems and mysteriously dark patches in the armpits, not to mention bits of food that had dyed the material unholy colours.

Toru knew right away that these clothes would never see the light of day again, so straight to the pyjama pile they would go. Following that was the pile of postcards which had been bound together like a small flip book and the hastily scrawled anecdotes on the back of each told of his travels. That is, if you could actually read what he'd written. Which left the last of the items in the now significantly emptier box; a stack of DVDs each labelled with her brother's messy handwriting. "Who uses DVDs anymore?" Mina queried plucking one from the top of the pile. "These must be ancient!"

"BIRTHDAYS/ANNIVERSARIES and GRADUATIONS" Tsu read out a few in her grasp. "TO KENTA, LOVE FROM US"

"They must be home videos then" Toru shrugged, shifting through some herself as she read through each of the messy titles. "I wonder if we've got anything in the dorm to play them on?"

"I think you're plum out of luck"

"You could always ask Momo" Mina shrugged as she began to drift off towards the kitchen in order place her empty cereal bowl in the sink.

"Nah…" Toru hummed, not wanting to ask a favour of the rich girl so early in the morning. "But I guess I could ask around the agency to see if they've got anything"

"…It's always been known as seven which seems to be a misunderstanding—" Drawled Detective Patel, one of the many officers of the M19. Toru trailed behind the woman as she led herself and the two Ketsubutsu boys (who they'd picked up at some point during their scavenge of the evidence lock-up in search of a DVD player that worked. They were just lucky it was a slow day) towards one of the spare conference rooms. She rolled her eyes, barely containing the bored sigh that pressed at her lips as the elderly woman went on and on and on about Rome's hills; although she still couldn't place how they'd gotten onto that topic. "—But actually, when you look at the ancient lists of the hills involved in their celebrations, there are eight. And Mary Beard—who's a darling classist—says '…something has gotten confused there, somewhere along the lines…' But there are about 75 cities who claim to be built upon seven hills, did you know? Two Romes, two Athens, a Seven Hills in Ohio which is rather aptly named and about a quarter of Honshu's capital cities—"

"—Borsu, where I grew up" Shindo cut in, clearly not as enthused about the turn of conversation as the detective was. Not that she could blame him. "That's s'posed to be based on Rome"

"That's right, dearie!"

"Watakumo's very hilly" Minho added, his eyes gleaming with mirth as they turned into the chosen conference room at the end of the hall and set about moving in. "With their vernacular railway"

"That's like the worst TripAdvisor ever!" Toru laughed as she took the DVD player from Patel and set about plugging it into the large screen which was embedded into the wall.

"No! On the contrary! It's a very good tip about Watakumo! It's very hilly!" Minho replied as he shoved several chairs together and plied them with cushions to form a crude sort of couch. "That's the kinda advice you need! 'They said it was hilly on TripAdvisor! And it is!"

"Yes, yes, you need to warned about that sort of thing. You're absolutely right!" She smiled patronisingly as Shindo readied whatever snacks the boys had snatched beforehand and Patel stood off to the side just watching them all.

"Baosin's hilly"

"Yeah, but—"

"—Ansan's not very hilly"

"Well, no—"

"—And Delken's completely flat, no hills at all" Shindo chimed in with a grin despite Toru's best attempts at getting things back on track. Honestly, she wasn't even sure why the boys were there, intent on watching the DVDs with her. But it was a slow day for the HBI, mostly filled with running errands and filling out paperwork for the Pros, meaning that they were more than willing to chuck the trainees at the M19 in the hopes that they would get out from underfoot, at least for a little while.

"Nasan's barely got an incline" Minho retorted, returning the banter with ease. "Nothing at all"

"There's no crime in Nasan or Delken 'cause you—"

" 'Cause you can see everyone!"

"From miles away!"

"Did y'know?" Toru turned to briefly peer over her shoulder at the elder pair, both hands occupied by a series of wires that she was trying to connect together. "I could picture you two in a retirement home somewhere"

"Will you come and see me?" Minho grinned, both of them laughing heartily at the remark.

"Ye—no, um…I'd bring you some mashed banana"

"To share?"

"Up to you"

"I'll be in the bed next to you!" Shindo chortled, hunching over in his imitation of an old man. "WHAT WAS THAT, MINHO?"

"Kuwon?" Minho suggested next. "Ah—wait, it's not a capital so it doesn't count"

"Kimosato! That's very hilly—"

"—Do you think this is sharp enough to kill somebody?" Toru asked lightheartedly of Patel as she fiddled with the TV remote which lay beside her.

"Only if you have enough intention behind it" Patel chuckled before stepping out.

"—Sagat! Sagat's very hilly!" Minho chirped, gesturing with some long lost pen he'd found on the table.

"That's true" Shindo nodded in agreement.

"And they've got a vernacular railway, and don't you dare deny it!"

"Alright…?" Toru trailed off as the TV finally flared to life.

"Ooh! You got it working! Nice!" The first DVD to enter the player was the one that had been addressed to her brother like it was a letter, making Toru curious as to what was on it. She certainly couldn't remember making it or even starring in it, but it looks like she was about to find out.

"…Mrs Hagakure! What a great idea!" Decreed the blonde young man as he helped the elder woman to set up the video camera. In the background, a young Toru could be seen (or her dress at least) trying her best to clamber onto one of the wooden chairs that lined the circular dining table. "Making a video to send to Kenta in America"

"Oh please!" Mother waved off as the shaky footage finally stabilised itself and the elder two soon joined Toru at the round table. "I am full of great ideas! When he went to camp I sent him a huge card with my face on it that said: 'MAMA LOVES YOU!' Well, it made him miss me so much that he begged to come home the very next day"

"Aah yes! The summer of a thousand wedgies!"

"Kenta is gonna be so excited to see some familiar faces!"

"Oh! Oh! Can I do Danger Moose?" Toru brightened, dress slightly askew as she eagerly leant over the table. "Hooves where I can see 'em!" She didn't get much more of reaction than an eyebrow raise which had her sinking back down into her seat.

"Is Endo here?" A tall teen suddenly came into view; although you couldn't see his face in the frame.

"No Ota, you're safe" Mother sighed as she fiddled with whatever unidentifiable object was in her hands. "We still haven't heard from Tobi since he left Kyoto a month ago"

"I don't even know what I'm doing here!" Ota panicked, the tight t-shirt and jeans hurrying across the room and out of frame as he crossed the room. "Endo could show up at any minute and kick my ass! But I really need a soda 'cause I just ate a whole bunch of salt—"

"Mama? Can I have some salt too?" Toru questioned cutely from the table as Ota's voice floated over.

"Not a chance" Mother easily denied.

"—Why's it taste so good?" Ota continued on as if the girls had spoken.

"I dunno" Wan smirked gleefully, head in hand. "Why don't you ask Endo? HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"

"AAAAHHHH! DON'T HURT ME!" Ota shrieked hysterically, spinning on his heel and sloshing soda all over his hands only to find that no one was there. Well, no one but a kitchen full of snickers. "That's not even funny!"

"So, who's who?" Shindo inquired, circling around to take a seat whereas Minho just jumped over the back of the chairs and Toru scooted back until she was leant against their legs. "What's what?"

"Give us the premise, maestro!" Minho agreed.

"Er, so the woman with the perm is my mother" Toru replied as she snatched a handful of popcorn from the bowl above her. "The blonde guy is Wan, our neighbour and the tall dumb one is Ota"

"Which makes you Danger Moose, then?" Minho smirked, quirking an eyebrow at her in question.

"Shaddup!" She playfully shoved his leg before turning back to the video; she could only just remember that she'd thought Kenta's friends were the optimum of coolness. "Well, I'm not covered in tubes and stuff, soo…I guess this is before shit hit the fan"

"I'm sorry—what?" Shindo sat up.

"Hm?"

"Tubes? Shitty fans?"

"Oh! Nothing huge, just needed a new heart"

"Nothin—that's pretty huge!" Minho retorted.

"Really? I didn't think it was that uncommon" Toru shrugged, nabbing more popcorn. "But maybe that's just 'cause I'm used to so much competition for a new one"

"But you got one?" Shindo asked, sounding concerned as he eyed the first year at his feet.

"Ye—no—yeah, I ended up getting a new heart around ten-ish? Yeah, that sounds about right"

"Okay then! Let's begin!" Mother called, gathering everyone around the camera as Ota slid out the back door with his soda. Mother turned to the camera first, sitting like at the table like a newscaster. "Hi Kenta, it's your mother. I'm here with Wan and Toru"

"Hi honey!" Wan waved at the camera. "Thank you for the postcard with the watermelon—You're one in a melon too"

"Hooves where I can see 'em!" Toru demanded, striking a pose as the camera turned to her, at least until Mother snapped it back to her and cut Toru's greeting short with a disapproving glare. Toru just grinned in reply.

"Okay, let's see then, where to start? Well, you're father and I were furious when we caught you boys in that smokey basement. The minute you left for the airport, we went down there to do what the heroes call 'A Sweep' and do you know what we found? Four bags—four! That you boys had hidden away down there! And so I flushed it all down the toilet and everyone learnt a lesson"

"Why don't you tell Kenta what else happened?" Wan beamed, unable to hide the mischievous grin that was spreading across his lips.

"What? What? Tell me!" Toru whined, quite literally jumping up and down in her seat. "I wanna know!"

"Fine, I'll tell him!" Mother pouted petulantly. "So I talk the bags of weed to the bathroom and began to flush them down…"

"But the bathroom was all smokey! Like Grandpa's cigars!"

"I still can't believe Mr Hagakure caught you in the bathroom with the guys' stash!" Wan laughed. "Someone is getting a tie-dyed necktie for their birthday!"

"No…I just—" Mother shamefully stammered, "I wanted to see what all the hubbub was about! I mean, I was skeptical about PADDs and they were life changing! Anyway Kenta, I suffered the consequences and your father & Endo gave me a very stern talking-to. Besides, I hardly felt a thing"

"You ate an entire box of uncooked spaghetti" Wan deadpanned.

"Wha—! Why does Mama get to eat it like that, but I can't play with it? I wanna use it to make marshmallow towers!" Toru whined, stomping her foot against her seat which she still stood on.

"Anyway Kenta, the day you left Endo went to Kyoto to see Zhu—"

"—When he got there, he walked in on Zhu and Ota who were about to—" Wan jumped in, only just cutting himself off before the end of the sentence. Sparing a glance with Mother, Wan decided that slapping both hands over Toru's ears was the way to go; blocking out any sound before he continued on with the story "—Get busy, have sex and DO IT~!"

"Now who's this?" Minho gestured to the screen.

"Endo's our unofficially adoptive brother" Toru replied around a mouthful of food, "And Zhu was his on again—off again rich girlfriend"

"You really remember all that? That's impressive! You don't look any older than five on the tape!"

"Meh. It was like living in a sitcom somedays—don't remember all of it though"

"So these home vids are like your reruns?"

"I guess?"

"So what's this 'episode' about then?"

"Your guess is as good as mine"

"Ota told us the whole story when he got back the next day" Wan whispered conspiratorially. "Apparently he'd gone to comfort her and SOMEHOW ended up naked just as Endo was walking in through the door. And then Endo kicked him out the door which meant that he had to drive all the way back in this dress that he found. He got a lot of attention from the truckers, which he liked—the weirdo"

Wan rolled his eyes, but a fond smile pulled at his lips before continuing on with the story. His hands remained wrapped tightly around Toru's ears the whole time. "So then Zhu shows up and she slaps the shit out of Ota, right? And she says that she's looking for Endo—who wasn't there, by the way—AND she quit her job. Y'know, the one she's going on about for months? That once-in-a-lifetime dream job? Y'know, that one. Anyways, Ota picks himself up off the floor and then tries to get BACK into Zhu's pants. Of course, this incites an insult war which went on for about…half an hour"

"Oh hey, Mio!" Mr Wan greeted, his pot bellied stomach coming into frame as he entered the house, unawares of what was going on. "I need to borrow some butter or oil—pretty much anything greasy"

"Are you cooking?" Mother queried skeptically.

"Nope. Tanning"

"Tanning? Seriously?" Shindo quirked a brow in question. "With butter?"

"Yeah…Mr Wan was…weird" Toru shrugged.

"But butter?"

"I 'unno"

"What's up with the camera?" Mr Wan questioned when he noticed the blinking red dot on the device.

"Ooh! We're making a video to send to Kenta!" Mother beamed. "Here, say hi!"

"Don't give him the camera—!" Wan whined as the camera refocused on his father's equally plump face.

"—I'm ready for my close-up Mr Director~!" He purred, pouting his lips as Wan buried his head in shame and Mother wrestled the camera away from him.

"Dad! Just say something normal" Wan tried.

"Normal doesn't put asses into seats, Xie"

"For the last time, there are no seats anywhere around you!"

"Ooh! Obi, honey! Here!" Mother called out as Mr Wan left and their father entered the video. "Say something to Kenta!"

"…I'd love to" Father grinned evilly, his eyes swimming with mischief. "Son, I was out in the garage the other day…I looked down and I saw your old bicycle helmet and it made me think what I always think: what a waste of money"

"Actually Kenta" Mother amended as Father wandered off to do God-knows-what. "You leaving was very hard on your father; the next day, he just sat around moping. By the way Kenta, we gave some of your toys to charity"

"What?" Toru puzzled, "No, you didn't—"

"YES we did"

"Hey! That's my dad!" Toru perked up at the sight of her father alive and well. She couldn't remember him herself, only through the few stories that she was told and the several photos that had littered their house growing up. "That's so weird! This must've been before he went supernova!"

"Supernova?" Minho's brows furrowed in confusion.

"Kaboom!" Toru gestured with her hand as she made the explosive sound effect. "Y'know? Like I did a couple of months ago. He wasn't as lucky, though"

"Ah, 'm sorry…"

"It's fine, I don't even remember it…or him, really. Mother's happier in these videos too…"

Here, the footage had jumped to Mother, Toru and Wan (bored out of his mind) sitting on the couch in the mustard-coloured living room whilst the sounds of a bag of marbles banging against a bottle of soy sauce filled the silence. "…Give up yet, big brother?" Toru grinned like she knew the world's secrets. "That's a bag of marbles hitting a bottle of soy sauce!"

"Kenta" Wan leant into frame, demanding the spotlight. "Please come home, you have NO IDEA how much I miss you"

"I miss you too, honey" Mother agreed, leaning in from the other side. "I don't think I'll be happy until I see you again"

"Hey" Endo greeted upon arriving home.

"KABA!" Mother cried, leaping from the couch and into the teen's arms. "YOU'RE HOME!"

"Mama, he doesn't like hugs" Toru interjected, sliding in between the two and latched her arms around his thighs. "Except from me! Missed you, Endo!"

"I spilled my soda—Endo!" Ota called as he too, came into the room only to cut himself off when he came face-to-face with the very person he was trying to avoid. It didn't matter that Endo was a head or two shorter than him, Ota was very clearly terrified. "I—I dunno what to say, man"

"What about 'ow'?" Endo suggested. Wan pulled Toru away from the incoming fight just in time.

"Why would I say 'ow'?"

SMACK!

"Ow! Ah-haha! I get it!" Ota groaned from the floor where he lay after Endo punched him. Hard.

"Kenta! Kaba just hit Tobi" Mother reported much to Endo's confusion, "…And while I'm very disappointed in Kaba for hitting Tobi, it was very exciting!"

"C'me on man, g'up!" Endo called to Ota who was still collapsed on the floor, unmoving whilst the other three remained on the couch, eagerly watching things play out.

"Why? So you can deck me again?" Ota snapped.

"No, actually, I'm fine now. Everything I wanted to say was in that one punch" He replied hauling the tall teen to his feet.

"It was a good one too" Ota admitted shyly. "I peed myself a little on the way down"

"Eww!" Toru commented from the cheap seats, turning Ota red.

"…I'm gonna go change" Ota fled.

"Endo, where have you been?" Wan concernedly peered around Toru as the little girl now sat happily in his lap.

"Er, I've been hanging out in Tokyo, my man" Endo replied. "And I've learnt this: you don't wanna show up late to a SAVAGE RUMOUR show with puffy hair"

"Well" Mother hummed as she went full maternal parent on him "You could've let us know where you were! I was worried sick about you and I am—!"

"—Got'cha this" Endo handed over a keychain that sent their mother squealing over how cute it was.

"A little tiny samurai! It's so cute!"

"Endo! You're back!" This time it was Zhu who entered the mix."Look, we have to talk!"

"Dun, dun, dun~!" Minho sang, receiving a half-hearted whack to the leg for his troubles, not that it hurt. "Hey! Don't eat all the popcorn!"

"Oh, okay, I'll start. YOU NAILED OTA!" Endo boomed.

"YOU NEVER GAVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN!" Zhu retorted just as angrily.

"CAUSE YOU NAILED OTA!"

"Mrs Hagakure!" Wan slid in next to Mother, "Point the camera their way, Kenta loves it when he screams at her"

"Kaba, I never even slept with Tobi"

"Yeah right, because Ota's always showing up at my hotel room naked with a bucket of ice!"

"Y'know this is your fault too?"

"Y'know what? Forget it" Endo backpedalled, walking away and looking like a kicked puppy.

"Well, I guess that's that" Zhu agreed glumly as they went their separate ways.

"…That was horrible" Wan murmured, removing his hands from Toru's ears where they had jumped to when Zhu had arrived.

"Yeah, I know—where's my tiny little samurai?" Toru whined.

The footage jumped again, this time showing only Mother and Father in the kitchen as several pots sat bubbling on the stove. "Obi" Said Mother. "Can you please just do me a favour and tell Kenta you miss him a little?"

"…Huh, oh fine, gimme the thing" Father sighed as Mother pointed him towards the camera. "Kenta, this is a lil' hard for me 'cause I'm not real emotional…I wanted to tell you that…your G.I. Mights were killed in the Great Dumpster War of 2201"

"Well, your meatloaf WAS LOST IN THE GREAT…MAKE YOUR OWN DINNER WAR OF 22—TODAY!" Mother called after Father as he wandered off, pleased as punch. "Well Kenta, now that I have a second I should catch you up on your new friend, Nara. He's dead. Fell off of the water tower and so they renamed it the Nara Fry Memorial Water Tower"

Some time appeared to have passed when Father reentered the kitchen, but this time the camera showed no picture of the man. Actually, it wasn't showing anything at all as it appeared to be hidden somewhere since you could still hear the pair, clear as day (minus some muffling). "Y'know Obi, it really upset me this afternoon when you wouldn't say anything nice to Kenta" Mother said.

"Well, I can see how that would surprise you, what with the nice things always bubbling out of my mouth" Father sassed.

"It would just mean the world to me to hear how you feel. Don't you even miss him?"

"Well, let's say I did, I still wouldn't fell comfortable saying it on camera!"

"Well, would it kill ya to just say it to me, here in private?!"

"FINE! I MISS HIM! Of course I miss him, he's my son"

"Aww!"

"Why do you always make me say things like that?!

"…Yeah" Mother grinned as the camera was brought out of its hiding place—an empty pot—and set back in its original place. "I should be a hero"

"Damn! Remind me not to piss off your mother!" Minho blinked dumbfoundedly at the screen.

"What does she do anyways?" Shindo piped up in interest.

"Hm? Oh, she's lawyer"

"With tactics like that?"

"Problem?"

"No—nope"

"Hey" Zhu greeted Endo as she sat next to him on the couch. This footage was much shakier than the rest, particularly as the cameraman appeared to be spying on the couple from behind a rather leafy potted plant.

"Hey" Endo coughed, turning to face her.

"Kaba, I am so sorry about what happened Kyoto! I was alone and I thought I lost you"

"Yeah, well, I can see why you thought that"

"But why didn't you tell me sooner that you wanted to get married?"

"Because I wasn't sure I wanted to and now that I've thought about it, I'm right, I'm not ready to be married yet"

"Yet?…Oh, okay!"

"Well, there you have, Kenta!" Mother's 'sneaky' voiceover sounded loud and clear. "Kaba's not ready to get married YET"

DING DONG!

The camera was hastily wedged into the potted plant so that Mother could go and answer the door. The scantily-clad woman on the other side was not what she was expecting. "Hi, I'm looking for—ENDO! Hey baby!"

"Hey…Kiyo?" Endo trailed off.

"Who the HELL is that?" Zhu rightfully demanded.

"This is Kiyo. She's a—an exotic dancer I met in Tokyo. Uh, 'm sorry, but what—what are you doing here?"

"You don't remember?" Kiyo puzzled. "We got married!"

"WHAT?!"

"Oh my God!" Zhu fled, tears in her eyes and fist clenched at her sides.

"Ooh! And Kenta, one last thing! Kaba married a stripper!"

Warm and toasty inside their conference room, the three teenagers had barely registered when the DVD had come to its end, so enthralled in their impromptu naps as they were. Minho seemed to have taken up as much room as (in)humanely possible because to any passerby it looked like he had physically melted into a puddle of rubbery goo. Which was something that Toru and Shindo had taken full advantage of with the invisible girl hugging tight to the limbs that had dripped on the floor, whilst the elder boy had splayed himself across both seat and classmate.

Patel and the other officers of the M19 precinct held no qualms about snapping several pictures of the slumbering teens, some even rearranging them into the perfect blackmail poses. Once done, three officers—two muscle men and one perpetually tired bunny—hefted the three teens like they were nothing more than sacks of flour and ferried them back up to the HBI. Again more blackmail was taken because who could resist the cutesy images of tired teenagers turned toddlers?