A/N: This chapter contains sexually explicit material.
June 8. After they'd finished breakfast, Joey was grabbed about the wrist and led to her room by her older sister, bypassing Pacey in the kitchen as he stood at the sink doing the dishes. She closed her bedroom door. Bessie had been looking at her funny all through the meal, which had made her try her hardest to avoid direct eye contact.
"You know, Jo… I was surprised to see Pacey actually show up at the front door by six o'clock this morning without you having to go pick him up, or his sister giving him a ride. He must've gotten up very early to walk over here from the other side of town."
She swallowed. "Um, well, uh…"
Bessie's hands went to her hips. "Pacey spent the night last night, didn't he?"
"And what if he did?" she bristled. "He was up late tending to Alexander while you were in bed nursing a headache. Why make him go home? And this is a bed and breakfast, is it not?"
"Joey, we have guests in the house. They don't need to see the cook sneaking out of your bedroom at dawn… or climbing in and out of your bedroom window, for that matter." Her brows shot up with a pointed look.
She laughed and rolled her eyes.
"Anyway…" Bessie began curiously, her mouth curving into a smile. "What did Dawson want?"
"To give me this," she answered as she pulled the envelope from her pocket, and then handed it over. She watched her sister remove the check, watched her eyes pop and her jaw drop.
"Oh, my God, Joey."
"I know."
"This is… everything you'll owe after financial aid… for all four years."
"I know."
"Well, that's very generous of him."
She nodded, and frowned as she sat on the edge of her bed. "It is."
Bessie's brows furrowed and she sat down next to her. "Why don't you look happy about it?"
Sighing heavily, she took the check from her sister. "I mean, I am… I mean, it's incredible, and I haven't even begun to process such a huge gift, and what it'll mean for the next four years of my life. You know, just being able to enjoy being at Worthington without worrying about tuition payments or feeling guilty that Pacey is spending his hard-earned money to help fund my education. It's like everything I ever dreamed of having is finally coming true, but…"
"Let me guess… something to do with a couple of boys from the other side of the creek?"
"It's like last year all over again, and instead of a regatta trophy, the winner gets to pay my college tuition."
Her sister chuckled. "Well, maybe this time you should try thinking about yourself and what's best for you instead of trying to make everyone else happy."
"The thing is… Pacey seemed to make his peace with Dawson's offer of paying the fifteen grand to cover my first year, and told me to take it, but this…" She held up the check. "I don't think this is gonna go over well."
Bessie shrugged. "Well… does he have to know about it right now?"
Her eyes went wide. "I can't keep this from him!"
"Just hear me out, Jo. Maybe you should just let Pacey assume that the check was for the fifteen thousand. Next year when it comes time to pay your tuition, then you can reveal that it's covered. By that time, you and Pacey will have been living in Boston for a year. And with Dawson living three thousand miles away in Los Angeles, Pacey probably won't even care anymore at that point."
"Bessie, I have never lied to Pacey. I can't start now. Not over this."
"Don't think of it as a lie. You're just postponing the truth. Why tell him now when it could turn into some stupid ordeal that doesn't mean anything? Wouldn't it be better to avoid a ridiculous fight and simply wait for the right moment to tell Pacey when you know it won't turn into a big deal? It won't change anything, either way. But one will allow you to avoid this silly competition between two boys who are in love with you."
"Dawson isn't in love with me anymore, Bessie," she retorted in annoyance, and tossed the check to the mattress beside her.
Her sister pursed her lips and shrugged. "I mean, hey, you'd know better than me. It's not like I see him that much, honestly." She leaned to the side and bumped shoulders with her, giving her a smile. "Just take the money and be grateful, Jo. It's a tremendous thing Dawson has done for you. You have every reason to be happy and excited right now. Don't let potential drama ruin it."
Then came a knock on her bedroom door. "It's me."
Bessie gave her another pointed look. "Be smart about this, Jo."
She watched her sister get up and move towards the door. Bessie opened it and walked out, before allowing Pacey to walk in.
"There's my girl," he said with a smile. He eyed her for a moment as she stood up from the bed. Joey had been abnormally quiet all through breakfast, and now she was avoiding his gaze. "Are you hiding in here?"
"Why would I be hiding?" she laughed nervously, tucking her hair behind an ear.
"I don't know. You tell me." He sighed when she wouldn't look him in the eye. "So, what did Dawson have to say out there?"
It was no use. She couldn't lie, or postpone the truth, as her sister had worded it, even if she'd wanted to. She was a terrible liar, and it was impossible to lie to Pacey. He'd know immediately. "Dawson came over to give me a check for the money for Worthington."
He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Ah. And you took it."
"I did, like you said I should." Her stomach was already tightening. She could only hope she'd been wrong about assuming his reaction wouldn't be good.
"Uh-huh." Why was she acting so weird? Had Dawson made his true intentions clear, as Amy had predicted? "So… what's the problem?"
She took a deep breath. "Well, there isn't a problem… technically." Not unless Pacey made it one…
Technically, huh? He thrust his tongue in his cheek and nodded. "Did he say somethin' out there that bothered you?"
"No," she replied honestly. "No, he was… really nice, actually. He's very happy for me, you know, about getting into Worthington, and he wants me to be able to enjoy my time there."
"Okay, so, then…" He shook his head, at a loss. The room was filling with weird tension. "Jo, what's the matter? Are you second-guessing yourself? Feeling guilty you took the money? Wishing you hadn't?"
Joey found she could honestly say no to all those questions. Her only worry was Pacey. "No, it's just…" She scoffed, annoyed with herself, and picked up the check from the bed. "It's more than I was expecting."
He eyed the check warily. "How much more?"
"A lot more," she said, and swallowed against the tightening in her throat as she held out the check to him.
Pacey took it from her hand and stared down at it. It was like a bomb was about to go off inside his head. "Sixty. Thousand. Dollars."
"Yes." Her stomach flipped and she waited with bated breath for him to say something else.
He once again felt anger towards her rising inside him, and this time he blamed her for the anger. "You told me that you were worried about having a lot of debt after you graduate. So, please, Jo, explain it to me because I don't know what in the world would have possessed you to accept this."
Joey's eyes wandered over Pacey's hard, handsome face, and a tightness in her chest had warned her that she'd forgotten to breathe. Her feelings for him were so powerful and deep, she sometimes felt as if she was barely in control of herself. It was frightening to love someone like that, especially when her heart belonged to a man who could be so rash and unpredictable sometimes, someone who had the power to ruin her life, to hurt her so deeply she would never recover. The tension between them was increasing, getting worse by the second, and she didn't know how to put a stop to it.
"He doesn't want me to pay him back."
"Sure. I bet he doesn't."
The cold, biting sarcasm in his tone made her feel defensive. "How can it be okay for me to use your money but not his? What's the difference? He's one of my closest friends. He only wants to help me. You're acting like Dawson as some kind of agenda."
"He always has an agenda where you're concerned. Don't you get it? Do you not know this by now?"
She gaped at him.
"Look, Jo, I know you'd rather go to Worthington this year. I want you to be able to. But taking that much money from him…" He shook his head. "Why can't you just take out some student loans this year, and then next year you can get more financial aid? It's just one year."
"Pacey, you know what debt did to my parents. What if I can't get a good enough job after college, and I have to start out my life with this huge debt hanging over my head? Dawson's offer would ensure that would never happen."
"No, you'll just be indebted to Dawson."
"He said the money is mine, free and clear."
"Free and clear, right. You know, for a smart girl, you can be really blind sometimes. It's not the money he'll want from you."
"What are you talking about?"
Clenching his jaw, he tried to quell his anger. He wished she'd open her eyes. "Dawson won't expect you to pay him back with money. You owed him your virginity, but you didn't give it to him. So, he's gonna buy you instead."
"Oh, my God. Not this again. That's ridiculous, Pacey! I'm not a virgin, in case you haven't noticed. Dawson knows I'm not a virgin."
"That doesn't change how entitled he still feels to your body. He's been saving himself for his soulmate, and now you'll owe him. If you take that money, Joey…" He shook his head, trying to suppress the anger he felt could erupt any moment. "Sooner or later, Dawson is going to cash in the debt, and money is not what he'll want."
She crossed her arms in front of her and set her jaw. "Can you please drop this virginity and soulmates nonsense? Are you forgetting that I have a say in my own life? Nothing can happen between me and Dawson if I don't want it to. Anyway, Dawson and I are just friends. It won't ever be anything else, and he knows that. Taking the money certainly won't change the fact!"
The anger was starting to win the battle. "Yeah, maybe in your mind! But don't you understand what kind of message accepting this money sends him? I mean, you're obligating yourself as far as Dawson is concerned."
"Pacey, how can you say that? I told you to leave me out of your issues with Dawson."
"This is different, Jo."
"If you have a problem with Dawson and this money, then take it up with him. Don't put me in the middle!"
"You're already in the middle! Will you, for once in your life, open your eyes and see Dawson clearly for who he is? Are you really that blind to his motives? All these years, have you really not caught on by now?"
"What motives, Pacey? And please don't bring up my virginity again, or I really will scream. I think you're being incredibly unfair to Dawson."
The anger was boiling over. Unable to stop the flow, he started shouting. "Unfair to Dawson?! Everything he does when it comes to you has self-interest behind it. Everything! Do you think he gave you this money out of the kindness in his heart?! Do you get what I am saying to you, Joey?! I mean, Dawson sure does! And he knows that even though I know the truth about him, there's nothing I can do about it! Because he'll always find some way to keep you hanging on!
"Do you get how that makes me feel?! It makes me feel like I'm nothing compared to him! Like I'll always be nothing! Like I'm stupid and I'm worthless and I'll never be good enough! Whenever there's some sort of problem, you'll just go running to him, and he'll get to swoop in and rescue you as soon as I fuck up!"
Horrified, stunned into silence, Joey's mouth fell open. Tears welled up. Her throat closed over. Her heart was breaking for him. He was none of those things. The pain in his eyes was plain to see, and it made her want to pull him into her arms. If only she weren't the cause of it.
Bessie came storming back into the bedroom. "We have guests in this house!" she hissed, irate. "Paying customers! They don't need to hear this mess. Go home, Pacey. Come back in the morning when you've cooled off."
"I, uh, I'm not coming back in the morning. I quit. I'm done. I'm starting another job in a few days."
Joey finally found her voice. "Wait… what?"
"The cooking job on Mr. Moore's yacht; I'm taking it."
"When did you decide this?" She knew he'd been so adamant about not taking the job. All of a sudden, he wanted it?
"A couple days ago. You told me to go, so I'm going. I leave after graduation. I mean, you wanted me to leave, right?"
She had no idea what to say. He was going to be gone all summer? "Pace—"
Bessie's face contorted in anger. "Oh, thanks a lot, Pacey. Thank you so much. We hire you and we pay you well, and you're just going to leave us high and dry. Just walk out with no notice when we have guests here. Are you really that selfish? This is how you repay us?"
"Repay you? Are you kidding me, Bessie? Who helped you get this business off the ground in the first place? Who gave you hours and hours of free labor? Who got that Fricke character in here to get you a raving review and is pretty much responsible for this place turning a profit? I busted my ass for you! Unbelievable. Both you Potter girls are the same."
He left the bedroom, making for the back door and trying to ignore the guests who sat stunned at the dining table.
Joey ran after him onto the back porch. "Pacey! Don't walk away!" she called out, but he just kept moving, not even looking back. And then he was out of sight.
She heard the door open and close behind her. "You should've listened to me, Jo."
"Not now, Bessie, okay?" Tears welled up and brimmed over.
"You'll see him later. Just give him some space. He probably needs time to clear his head. Once he calms down, everything will be fine. Look, I know Pacey has your best interests at heart. Remember what I said about you two being in Boston together and Dawson being way out there in California. I'm sure Pacey will come to the same conclusion: there's nothing for him to worry about. You need to stay focused on your goals, your future. Let Dawson and Pacey deal with Dawson and Pacey. They're big boys. They can handle it themselves."
As her sister returned inside the house, Joey sat down on the porch step. Pacey consumed her thoughts. His words went around her head in circles. His pain had been palpable; the feelings of low self-worth that kept him down, held him back. She knew where his pain and anger came from; the feelings that were all too often triggered by his parents, his brother, and apparently even Dawson.
Tears fell from her eyes. She now believed more than ever that going out to sea was exactly what Pacey needed right now, but she didn't want him to leave like this. Not angry and hurt and feeling so low. Why bother coming back at all if this is what he was leaving behind?
Later, just as the sun began to set, Pacey still hadn't come back to the B&B. He hadn't called either. Joey hated the constant tension, the fighting. She hated the silence even more. With her mind made up, she grabbed her keys and hopped in the truck. Leaving the creek behind, she drove into town, cursing under her breath at having to stop at every traffic light. Capeside was way too small a town to have this many damn stoplights.
She cursed under her breath again when she arrived at Pacey's house and saw a Saab convertible parked in the driveway. Joey left the truck and walked around to the back porch. She knocked on the sliding glass door and then opened it. Stepping inside, she saw no one in the living room or kitchen, but a just a moment later, she heard laughter and footsteps coming down the stairs. Andie had been up in his room?
Pacey walked down the hallway and came to an abrupt stop when he saw his girlfriend standing in the living room. He hadn't expected to see her. "Uh, hi…"
Andie came up behind him into the room. "Oh, hey, Joey!" she said brightly, her friendly smile wide as ever.
She said nothing, and didn't even look at the girl. Instead, her eyes were locked on Pacey's for one long, hard moment. A stranglehold of emotion tightened her throat. With a narrowed, suspicious gaze, she then glanced between them. "What's going on?" she asked. God, she sounded like a stereotypical jealous girlfriend, and she hated it, but she couldn't help herself.
The anger and jealousy bubbled over in her voice. Pacey sighed, trying not to roll his eyes. He knew the kind thing would be to put her mind at ease, to nip her silly jealousy in the bud. The resentment he felt prevented him.
"We were just about to go out and get something to eat," he replied, his voice cold and indifferent. "But, uh, I can call you later when I get back? Unless you wanna come with us?"
She merely stared at him, silent, and the room filled with suffocating tension. There was a time in his life when he would've given his left arm for Joey Potter to be jealous of another woman, but now he could only see hurt and anger in her beautiful eyes. He started to feel guilty for being so immature and pressing her buttons, but then his own anger rose up, shutting out the other emotion.
Andie glanced nervously between them. "You know what? I think I'm just gonna leave. We can all hang out some other time. You know, uh, tomorrow night at the graduation party. So, I'll—"
"No, Andie, you stay," Joey said, before her gaze returned to her boyfriend. She glared, hard, their eyes locked. "I'll leave."
Without another word, she went back out the door and walked fast to her truck. Pacey didn't follow.
Instead of driving home, she found herself heading for the other side of the creek. She arrived at Mrs. Ryan's house just in time to see Jen and Jack walking to his car.
"Oh, hey," Jen greeted with a smile. "We were just heading out to the movies. You wanna come with?"
Relief flooded her at the welcome distraction. "You don't mind if I crash your plans?"
Jack shook his head. "Nope. More the merrier. We honestly need a third wheel. We're getting sick of each other," he grinned.
"First day of summer vacation, and you two are already at your wits' end, huh?" Joey smirked, and walked over to Jack's Toyota.
"I'm thisclose to throwing him in the creek," Jen quipped as she opened the door to get in the front passenger seat.
Outside the Rialto, Jen and Joey walked together towards the ticket counter while Jack looked for a parking space along the street.
"Did you finish writing your speech?"
"Oh, God… don't remind me," she groaned.
"I'm guessing that's a no. So, where were you coming from when you got to my house? 'Cause you seemed kind of… upset."
Joey sucked on her bottom lip. "Pacey's house."
"You two get in another fight?"
"A huge one. You wouldn't believe…" She glanced over her shoulder to make sure Jack wasn't coming up behind them, and then quickly gave Jen the CliffsNotes version of the argument, culminating in Pacey's sudden announcement that he was leaving in a few days.
"I mean… I was the one pushing him to go, right? And I know he needs to be out there, on the water. He'll be happy out there. He needs to come to some sort of peace with himself, and I can't do it for him. I'm not enough. I've always known I'm not enough. He needs more… deserves more." She paused. "It's just…"
Jen smiled. "You're gonna miss him over the summer?"
Joey threw her a look. "Well, he has been driving me nuts this week, but…" She sighed, her mouth curving into a frown.
"Yeah, Pacey can be rather annoying sometimes, can't he?"
"Oh, God, yeah. I mean, the way he sits on the couch in nothing but his boxers, watching cartoons, and eating sugar-coated cereal out of a bowl the size of his head."
Jen laughed as they reached the ticket booth. They got three tickets for Evolution, and then walked inside the Rialto's lobby.
"And the way he uses sarcasm to deflect or avoid his emotions, which he bottles up until they explode like word vomit."
"Don't we all?" she smirked. "Or how about how selfless he is? The fact that he can put his own problems aside and deeply care about other people? And dependable? Being the one friend you can always rely on no matter what? God, how annoying. Not to mention that thing he does where he puts you up on a pedestal and makes you the center of his universe. The worst!"
Joey sighed heavily. "I'm gonna miss him like crazy, Jen. I know it's only two months, but I hate the thought of him leaving with things the way they are. I'd rather he left with us in a good, solid place. Things are just so tense and difficult right now, and…"
"If you asked him to stay, he would."
"What? Give up the chance of a lifetime to sail around the Caribbean just so he can bum around Capeside with me all summer?"
"I don't think he'd see it as such a bad trade-off. He'd probably trade everything in the world for you."
"And how am I supposed to feel about that, Jen? Am I supposed to feel good knowing that I have that kind of power over somebody's life?"
She shrugged as they got in line at the concession stand. "I don't know, Joey. I mean, I think that we all have the power to change each other's lives, in both small and large ways. The question is… are you going to use that power?"
Before she could reply, Jack came up to stand with them, and the conversation about Pacey ended. Jen kindly changed the subject, and after getting their snacks, the three friends made their way into the theater.
Friday night, after having stopped by Leery's Fresh Fish to talk to Bodie about the summer job he was taking, Pacey sat on the Potter's back porch, waiting for his girlfriend to come home from wherever she was. Bessie wouldn't let him in the house, and he honestly didn't blame her after the way he'd acted this morning. Mixed emotions of guilt, anger, fear, sadness, and humiliation weighed him down. He felt as if his life was spinning out of his control, whatever had even been in his control.
Joey—and his relationship with her—was the one good thing in his life, the only thing in his life that truly mattered to him, and even that seemed like it was slipping from his grasp. He still loved her, needed her, wanted her just as much as he ever did. Maybe even more so now.
He didn't know what the hell was happening. He didn't know why they kept fighting. Didn't know why everything made him angry, why he couldn't stave off the resentment that continued to rise up. Why he kept blaming her for it. Why he allowed Dawson to get under his skin. Why things couldn't just go back to the way they were before. Senior prom had only been last weekend, and they were so very happy. It was one of the best nights he'd ever had. It felt like a lifetime ago now.
He had no idea how long he'd been waiting out there when he saw the beam of headlights and heard the old truck pull into the driveway. Taking a deep breath, he braced himself for her anger and contempt. He deserved it.
Pacey looked up as she appeared, dressed in tight dark blue jeans and a red tank top. She came to a stop in front of the porch, not speaking and merely gazing at him. He saw the anger and disappointment in her face.
"Jo, nothing happened with Andie. We went to McDonald's."
"Cheap date," she sneered.
Pacey breathed a heavy sigh, gathering his patience, not wanting this to turn into yet another fight.
"What was she doing upstairs at your house? I'm assuming she was in your bedroom."
"She came over because she wanted to practice her valedictorian speech in front of a willing audience, and she also wanted to give me my graduation present."
"Yeah, I bet she did."
He fought hard not to roll his eyes. "I then went up to my room to get something for her, and she followed me, okay?"
"Oh, so you got her a graduation gift, too? How nice. I'm sure you enjoyed giving it to her." She knew her tone was ugly, and that she honestly had nothing to worry about as far as Andie was concerned, and that jealousy was beneath her, but she couldn't help it at the moment.
He ignored the snide accusation in her voice. "Not exactly. You know those Aerosmith tickets I got for my birthday? I can't go now, unfortunately. The concert is on the twenty-eighth, and I won't be here. I gave them to Andie so she could take Will. I told her he'd love her for it."
His answer, and the weariness in his voice, lessened her anger and annoyance. Comprehension dawned and the feeling of defeat that understanding engendered, which then made her feel foolish. Her shoulders slumped, and she suddenly felt too exhausted to stand.
Joey went and sat down next to Pacey at the top of the stairs. They said nothing, their silence stretching out unnaturally. Finally, she spoke. "How do I know that every time you get angry or you're feeling neglected or whatever, you're not just gonna go running to Andie? I need to be able to trust you."
"Andie and I are just friends, Jo. I've never betrayed your trust."
Tears pricked her eyes, and she took his hand in hers, threading their fingers. "I haven't betrayed yours either, and I never will. Dawson is just my friend… my oldest friend in the world. And he would never be so underhanded as to do what you're accusing him of. That he gave me this money, not out of a desire to help me or to be generous, but that he has ulterior motives… that he expects to get something out of it… that he wants to buy my affection. He only wants what's best for me, same as you do."
He made no reply, and could only nod his head in understanding. If he couldn't make her see, couldn't convince her of Dawson's true character, then he had to just give up and let it go. Maybe she'd open her eyes someday. Or maybe she was doomed to blindness. Yet he knew she was right—it took two to tango. Just because the guy might be trying to buy her didn't mean he'd actually succeed if she didn't want to be bought. Pacey also knew Dawson was bound to reveal his true motives sooner or later. And maybe he didn't want to be around when he finally did.
Joey laid her head on his shoulder, in that spot made just for her. The things he said earlier that morning rushed over her, filling her with sadness, pain. Her eyes filled with tears and she lifted her face to look at him. She didn't speak until he turned to meet her gaze. "You're not nothing, Pacey. It breaks my heart that you feel that way. I've told you before… you're everything. You're everything to me."
Tears fell from the corners of her eyes. He saw the sincerity in her gaze, her love for him, and had trouble breathing for a long moment. Instead of blowing off her comment, he leaned over and gently kissed her lips.
"I'm gonna miss you so much while you're gone." Part of her didn't want him to take the yacht job; she wanted him so badly to stay right here with her. The thought of him leaving with their relationship in this current state, the feeling of security constantly being shaken.
He wiped the tears from her face. "It's only two months. It'll be over before you know it."
"I feel like I'm losing you," she murmured.
"You're not gonna lose me, Jo. I'm gonna be there to meet you in Boston at the end of the summer. There's nothing to worry about. I'm never going to leave you. I told you. You're stuck with me."
She shook her head. "That's not what I meant." She lifted her palm to the side of his head. "I'm losing you in here."
He averted his eyes, not quite knowing what to say. A cloud of doom and gloom hung over his head now, and he didn't know how to make it go away. "I don't know what's wrong with me," he said quietly.
"Sweetheart, you just need to be kinder to yourself. You need to believe in yourself more… the way I believe in you," she assured him. "I mean, you're a madcap genius. Out of all of us, I believe without a shadow of a doubt that you are the one best equipped to navigate life post-high school."
He laughed breathlessly. Pacey kissed her forehead, and letting go of her hand, stood up to walk down the steps.
"Where are you going? Aren't you gonna stay over?" Her brows knitted with worry.
"I am no longer allowed in the house, per the owner of this fine establishment."
She scowled, glancing behind her at the door. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
"No," he replied, shaking his head. "I think I'd rather walk."
"Pace, it's like an hour to your house on foot."
"I know. It'll give me time to think."
Then he closed the distance between them and bent his head to kiss her goodnight.
Joey remembered her conversation with Jen, remembered the power she had to control Pacey's destiny, the direction which he took in life. Knowing her friend was right—that he would stay if she asked him to—she stood up and gazed down at him as she tenderly cradled his face in her hands.
"I know you feel lost right now, but you'll find your way," she comforted, moving her thumbs over his cheeks in a tender caress. "Once you've got the salt air in your lungs and the hot sun on your face, you will. I know you will. I have faith in you, and if you don't have faith in yourself right now, then I'll just have to believe it for you until you do."
Emotion threatening to overwhelm him, he stepped up and took her in his arms. He held her against him and lowered his mouth to her ear. "I love you, Joey Potter."
She tightened her arms around him. "I love you more, Pacey Witter."
June 9. Saturday afternoon turned out to be dull and rainy, much to the chagrin of those organizing the big graduation party downtown on the waterfront that evening. After she finished her waitressing shift at the restaurant, Joey sat on Pacey's bed, watching him pack the large canvas duffel bag.
"So, did you get your graduation speech all written?"
"Yes, I finally did."
He smiled. "I knew you could do it. I can't wait to hear it."
"You know, when you said you were leaving after graduation, I didn't think you meant tomorrow," she said, frowning.
"Well, I wanted to get out of Capeside as soon as possible."
She watched him empty his drawers. He carried over a nice looking box from the top of his dresser, opening it to reveal an even nicer looking sextant—the graduation gift from Andie. Next, the framed pictures came down off the walls. "It looks like you're packing up every single thing you own."
"Well, I'm not coming back here, Jo."
"Here… as in the beach house?"
"No. Well, yes, but… I meant here as in Capeside. I'm never setting foot in this town again."
"You're not coming back at all?"
"I will be there, in Boston, at the end of the summer, Jo. I promise."
She pouted. She knew she was pouting, and she hated it, but she couldn't help it. She believed he needed to go, and that it would be good for him, but watching him pack was starting to fill her with a slight sense of panic.
"Well, what if something happens while you're gone? What if I have a real problem?"
"Like what?" he asked as he placed a folded stack of jeans and cargo pants into the duffel.
"I don't know," she shrugged. "What if the B&B burns down? What if my sister dies?"
He threw her a disbelieving look.
"Hey, those things have been known to happen to us Potters."
"Point taken," he chuckled grimly. "Of course, if there was an emergency, I would try to get back here, Jo."
She chewed her lip and nervously played with her fingers as he returned to packing. "What if I found out I was pregnant?"
Pacey stopped and stared. His stomach suddenly felt like it was going to fall out of his ass. "Are you?"
Joey looked into his perfect blue eyes. There was only one answer that would make him stay. "Not to the best of my knowledge."
Relief spread through him as he picked up a stack of undershirts and shoved them into the bag. "Well, if you did find out you were pregnant, then I'd come back and we'd get married and move to Boston and have a family."
She frowned, but wasn't sure why. Wasn't that the perfect answer? The answer every girl would want to hear?
Not quite understanding why his answer made her feel uneasy, Joey slid off the bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. Opening the cabinet below the sink, she retrieved his shaving kit as well as his toothbrush and paste from the medicine cabinet. There were five condoms in his shaving kit and an unopened box under the sink. It had been a while since they'd used any. Her stomach flipped. Then she carried the items back to his room and set them on the bed beside his duffel.
"My shaving kit could've been left in there, Jo. I'm still planning on showering and brushing my teeth tomorrow."
"Right." Her stomach twisting, she handed him the box of Durex condoms. "You should probably pack these."
Pacey stared at her, taken aback. She wouldn't look him in the eye. "Why? I'm not going to need them," he said, tossing the box to the mattress.
She chewed on her lip and tucked her hair behind her ears before she started nervously rambling. "I mean, of course you say that now, but… two months is a long time and you'll be surrounded by beautiful women, I'm sure, and it's best to be prepared just in case for—"
"Stopstopstopstopstop." He gave her a chastising look. "You can't be serious. What, you think I can't hold out two months? I held out like a year and a half for you, Joey."
She pursed her lips and dropped on the edge of the bed. "Well, that doesn't mean you couldn't get lonely down there, and it's not like things between us right now aren't up and down at any given moment. All I'm saying is… I wouldn't blame you."
"That's crazy talk." He eyed her a moment. "Besides, let's face it, between the two of us, you're the one who's gonna have a much harder time holding out for two months."
Her mouth fell open. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me." His brows shot up, and he smirked. "I mean, I thought I had a strong libido, but I've got nothin' on you, Potter."
Blushing furiously, she hit him with a pillow.
He laughed. "Hey, truth hurts, don't it?"
She rolled her eyes, fighting a smile, and not bothering to deny it. Her gaze fell on the box of condoms again, and she picked them up. "Just pack them, Pacey. I'd feel better knowing you had them, knowing… you were prepared to be safe."
"Joey, would you stop that?" His face hardened. "I mean it. Stop it."
The room fell silent. She watched him pull clothes from his closet. He folded up each bowling shirt one by one, his brow furrowed, his jaw set. She could feel the tension pouring off him.
"You're mad, aren't you?"
He wouldn't look at her. He opened the weather-beaten trunk at the end of the bed, removing books and leather CD cases full of his music collection. "Mad? Why would I be mad? I mean, first you want to send me a thousand miles away, and now you want me to have sex with other women. But what's there to be mad about, huh?"
She cringed at his sarcasm. "Pace, I'm just trying to be realistic—"
"Jo, the fact you would even think that I am capable of such a thing is fucking insulting."
Her fight or flight response was kicking in, and she didn't want to fight again. "Look, I'm just gonna leave before this turns into another shouting match. I'm sorry, okay? It wasn't my intention to insult you."
"I'll see you at the party," he said as he watched her move towards his open bedroom door. "Take the box of condoms with you."
She halted and turned around. "Me? Is this another crack about my insatiable libido?"
"No, it's not. I'm not about to throw them away and waste money. Take them home with you and then you can pack them up when you leave for Boston."
She had no real response to that, so she quietly walked back over to the bed, grabbed the box of condoms, and then walked out of the bedroom.
Later that night, Joey meandered around the different pavilions set up along the waterfront. There was a chill in the air, so she'd adorned herself in her denim jacket, but at least the rain had been reduced to a light drizzle. She was surrounded by her classmates, laughing and drinking from Solo cups, and she ended up signing many a yearbook as she walked around looking for her friends.
She soon bumped into Dawson. "Hey," she greeted with a smile.
"Hey." He eyed her for a moment. "I'm honestly surprised you came tonight."
"Why?" she asked, brows knitting in confusion.
"Well, I heard through the grapevine about you and Pacey…" he said, and her stomach clenched. "You know, the fight about the money and how—"
"Dawson—"
"I never wanted that check to cause that much of a problem. I'm sorry, Joey."
"Dawson, it's not your fault. Really."
"I feel terrible."
"You know, I really don't want to talk about Pacey with you, Dawson."
"Fair enough. I understand. But if you ever do need someone to talk to, Joey…"
Again, she looked at him in confusion. "Thanks, but I'm fine." She stared at him a moment. "Jen really tells you everything, doesn't she?"
Dawson gave her a sheepish look. "It wasn't Jen, actually," he said. "Jack told me this morning while we were painting Mrs. Bassett's house. Jen tells him everything."
She shook her head. It's not like she was surprised by that. "So, you're back to the ol' summer job, huh?"
"We're thinking of blowing off the whole college thing and starting our own business right here in Capeside."
"Seems smart."
He laughed, and she smiled before turning to see Pacey staring at her from the other side of the pavilion. The look on his face wasn't comforting. Her face fell as he turned and walked away, and then he was out of her sight.
"Wow. I'm kind of shocked he came."
She turned to Dawson. "Why wouldn't he? It's our graduation party."
"Yeah, but… you know, considering what happened yesterday…"
Rolling her eyes, she started to walk away. "I'll see you tomorrow at the ceremony, Dawson."
Joey then went searching for Pacey. She looked and looked, but couldn't find him. When she'd just about given up hope, and feared he'd just up and left, she found him at one of the picnic tables. She watched as Andie and Will Krudski stood up from the table, gave him smiles and slight waves goodbye, and then walked off hand in hand. He was then sitting by himself. He looked lonely and sad.
She quietly made her way over to the table and then sat down across from him. "You know, I'm gonna miss you too much this summer. I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself."
"Well, you'll have plenty of time to spend with Dawson. It's what he paid for, right?"
Joey heard the bitterness in his voice. Frowning sadly, she hoped that the time away helped him clear his head and perhaps even helped to rid himself of the inferiority complex brought on by his erstwhile best friend, not to mention his own family.
"You're forgetting he accepted the offer to join USC's summer program. He'll be leaving soon, too. And then who knows when we'll see him again? When we come home for Christmas, maybe."
Not if he could help it, Pacey thought miserably. He was bound and determined to never come back to this town.
"Between Jen and Jack, and now Andie and Will, looks like I'll be third-wheeling it all summer," she said with a grin, trying make light conversation and pull him out of his broodiness. "Or fifth-wheeling, whatever."
She set her drawstring satchel bag on the table and pulled out a giftwrapped box. "Your graduation present," she said as she placed it in front of him.
He stared down at the shiny blue paper with the silver bow. "We said weren't doing presents. I didn't get you anything."
"I know, and I don't need anything. Well… I would've settled for something nice written in my yearbook," she said, pursing her lips as she remembered him signing Andie's.
He sucked on his bottom lip and nodded.
"Well! Open it!"
Pacey laughed breathlessly and then tore at the shiny paper. The gift soon revealed itself to be…
"A cell phone?" he said, looking up at her in surprise.
"And some international calling cards," she added. "So, you can call me while you're away. I've already programmed my number and a few others you might need. I hope you don't mind me being presumptuous, but I set my number as one on the speed dial."
"I'll keep you as number one for the rest of my life."
"I'm gonna hold you to that promise," she grinned.
He returned the Nokia phone back to the box. "Thank you. I wasn't expecting anything like that."
"You're welcome." She watched the gloom once again cloud over his features. "Pacey, what's wrong? Are… are you still mad at me about earlier? The condoms thing was really stupid. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was—"
"This isn't about you, Joey. Or maybe it is, indirectly. I don't know." Pacey sighed, unable to get any kind of grasp on the jumble of emotions that were plaguing him. "Last night when you said that I felt lost... you were right. I do. Since the arrest, I feel like I've lost sight of myself. Your life is trying to move ahead, towards Worthington, while my life is... going nowhere. And I feel like I've even lost sight of us, our relationship. It's like we're trapped in this angry place. We take two steps forward and then three steps back… you know, we can't get out of it."
"Well, then maybe it's good that you're getting out of Capeside and you'll get to fill your days doing two things you love: sailing and cooking. You'll get to regain a sense of purpose. And maybe… maybe it's a good thing to get away from each other for a while. Maybe we need… you know… a break."
The way he was staring at her, she immediately knew she'd said the wrong thing.
"Like a Ross and Rachel break?" he glowered, and then stood up from the table.
"Pacey, no!" Grabbing the cell phone box, she shoved it in her bag and went after him. "That's not what I meant. I meant… you know…" She felt at a loss as she walked beside him. "This has been a really intense week, and we're both obviously dealing with a lot of shit right now and we can't seem to help each other. We only seem to make it worse when we try. Maybe we just need some space, you know… some room to breathe. We seem to be suffocating each other at the moment. And so, you taking this summer job is a good thing… for the both of us."
He stopped walking. "Are you tired of me, Jo? Sick of me? If that's the real reason you've pushed this job on me, just tell me. I'd understand, okay? I mean, I'm sick of myself. I hate myself so much, I can't even stand to look in the mirror."
Her eyes went wide and she grasped his waist. "Pacey, no, of course not! I'd never be sick of you. I love you. You know that. You're my best friend. You're my favorite person… my perfect person."
Suddenly remembering his last session with Mr. Kapinos, the revelation of where the anger and resentment towards Joey was truly coming from, Pacey's anger deflated like a popped balloon. He took a deep breath and relaxed. He felt exhausted. He felt like he wanted to disappear. The sudden and overwhelming desire to drink until he passed out became so strong, he knew he had to leave the party.
"Look, I'm gonna go home. I think I just need…" He didn't know what the hell he needed.
"Pace, this is our last night together before you leave…"
"I think I just wanna be alone, Jo."
Her face falling, she watched helplessly as he walked away from her. She turned and then Chris Wolfe was there.
"Hello, Joey Potter," he said with a smile, and sipped from his drink. Then he offered the other blue Solo cup he held in his left hand. "Drink?"
"What did you put in it?" she asked suspiciously.
"What? Nothing! Okay, look, I'll prove it." He drank from the offered cup. "Hmm. Tastes like Cherry Pepsi."
"No alcohol?" she said as she took the soda from him.
"We're on public property."
"Ah."
"Witter's brother is probably staking out the place as we speak."
Joey laughed, but then the mention of Pacey made her heart sink. "Thanks for the drink, Chris. I'll, uh, see you at graduation tomorrow."
Walking through the pavilion, she soon came upon Andie. "Oh, hi."
"Hi, Joey," she said with a friendly smile, but the smile soon dropped into something resembling a frown. "I saw Pacey walking outta here…"
"He wants to be alone, apparently."
"No, he doesn't."
"Andie, trust me, he doesn't want me around right now."
The blonde shook her head. "He's pushing you away and telling you to leave him alone, right? Well, take it from a girl who's locked herself inside a bathroom on numerous occasions—he wants you to go after him, Joey."
Tears pricked her eyes, and she let out a shuddering breath. A sense of guilt churned inside her, and she felt like a fool. "Look, Andie, about yesterday when I showed up at Pacey's house and you were there… I'm sorry—"
Shaking her head, Andie held up her hand to stop her. "You don't have to explain yourself, Joey. I'm sorry I inadvertently put myself in the middle. From now on, I will try to put myself in your shoes and be more mindful of how things might come across when I'm with Pacey, or anyone, really. Boundaries is one of the things I'm working on with my therapist." She rolled her eyes at herself and started giggling.
Joey smiled.
Andie nodded and then tilted her head in the direction towards the street. "Go on. This is just some stupid party. With Pacey is where you wanna be, right? I mean, he's leaving tomorrow. I know he wouldn't want to spend his last night here without you. He's just being difficult. You have to be stronger and louder than the negative thoughts inside his head."
Feeling grateful, she grasped Andie's arm and gave her a squeeze. "Thank you."
Pacey heard a light knocking on his bedroom door. He didn't respond. The door slowly crept open. He didn't turn around. He stayed motionless, staring at the wall as Joey whispered.
"Pacey? Are you awake?"
He heard her come closer. He felt the mattress shift under her weight as she sat on the opposite side of the bed.
"Pacey? Please talk to me. You're leaving soon. I can't let you go like this. I don't want this time together to end in angry silence. You'll be gone all summer, and we won't get these moments back. I'm not sick and tired of you. Far from it. As difficult and as frustrating as it's been this week, you're still the only one I really want to be with."
The sound of the rain hitting the roof and windows filled the room. Still, he said nothing.
Shaking her head, Joey finally rose from the bed and opened the bedroom door to leave.
He still felt torn. Torn between wanting to make the most of their last night together, and wanting to be left alone to wallow in his misery. He didn't even know what exactly was wrong. He just knew everything was wrong. Well… almost everything. There was still one good thing in his life, and he didn't want to lose it.
"Wait," he said with his back still to her, and the door stopped. "Stay with me?"
Joey instantly filled with relief.
The door closed quietly and for a moment Pacey wasn't sure if she'd stayed or gone. Then she climbed onto the bed and wrapped her arm around him. He shifted to face her and searched the speckles of light reflecting off Joey's eyes. They gazed at each other in the silence. She kissed the tip of his nose, tenderly pressed her lips to the scar on his cheek, and to her joy, he didn't flinch away from her.
Tears welled up in her eyes and brimmed over as she started to cry. She didn't want to let him go. A chasm of sadness cut through her heart. The summer stretching out before her looked lonely and bleak without him.
When Pacey leaned in and kissed her, he was almost surprised at how responsive she was. He shifted onto her, resting on his left arm, as the kiss intensified. Neither spoke. Only the sounds of heavy breathing and the rain, now pouring heavily outside, filled the room as their kisses became almost animalistic. They undressed each other and rolled passionately on the sheets.
She was tired. He was worn out. She was wet and aching. He was hard and ready. Her eyes were red from the crying, and he was trying to help her stop. It wasn't making this any easier on him or her, and he didn't want their last night before he left to be him holding her while she cried herself to sleep. She had a big speech tomorrow, and it was going to be her day to shine. Crying half the night away was not going to help.
The best thing he could think of was for her to fall asleep exhausted from sex. Pacey wanted to forget their problems for a while. He wanted tonight to be about him and her, their bond, their emotional closeness and physical love. He needed to imprint himself on her heart and soul. He loved her, felt things for her, in a way he'd never felt for anyone else. He needed her to remember him while he was gone, to ache without him. Because he sure as hell was going to ache without her.
Joey spread her legs and took him into her arms as she guided him inside her. He began making love to her, and her senses were full of the taste of his lips, the sound of his moans, and the feel of his arousal stroking her sensitive flesh. It didn't take long before she was crying out as pleasure surged through her body.
He kept thrusting passionately in and out of her wet and wanting body until Joey was begging him to go harder, deeper. She could feel another orgasm building up, but her clit was so sensitive she didn't think she could take anymore. She was on the verge of ecstasy, but straining for it and about to give up hope of reaching that peak again, when Pacey suddenly pulled out and flipped her over onto her stomach.
She gasped as he pushed back inside her. The thick, hot, velvet length of his hardness felt even bigger this way. She murmured throaty encouragement as he buried himself to the hilt. She was once again taken over, not just by his overwhelming sexuality, but by this strange creature he'd woken inside her who felt more sensuous, more female, and more desirable than she'd ever thought possible.
He began to thrust in earnest, harder and deeper just as she'd begged him to. "You're so deep…" she whimpered as she propped herself on her elbows. "You rub right against… Oh, God, Pacey…"
"I know, baby." His voice was tight with restrained need. This wasn't his favorite position, but he knew she sometimes needed it to come again. Her knuckles were white, she was clutching the sheet so fiercely. She was so much tighter like this that he could already feel his control starting to fray. He wanted nothing more than to flood her pussy, but he fought against the urge to climax. Her moans, groans, and whimpers fueled his need. With the engorged head of his cock stroking against that one sweet spot inside her, he could tell she was going to come again. Those orgasms left her weak for hours. She'd sleep like a baby, which is exactly what he wanted.
His chest pressed against her back and his mouth at her ear, the wet, clenching slide on his shaft broke him. Pacey couldn't hold on any longer and moaned her name as ecstasy overwhelmed every sensation and his release erupted deep inside her.
"Don't stop, Pacey… please don't stop… I'm think I'm gonna… oh yeah, I'm gonna…" Then Joey screeched out her orgasm, the pleasure so intense she thought she might black out.
He kept thrusting to prolong her pleasure, but his dick was screaming it was so sensitive. It was painful, but it was the most delicious pain he'd ever felt. Her walls clutched at him, but finally he pulled out his spent cock and collapsed on the mattress beside her.
A little while later, they lay in bed, warm and sweaty, out of breath and still drunk from the sex. Pacey freed his right leg from the tangled sheet and turned his body to once again face the wall. Joey lay quietly staring up at the ceiling, her eyelids heavy, her body utterly relaxed with satisfaction. She eventually shifted on her side and faced his back. Her fingers lightly traced his shoulder blades.
"Pace," she whispered.
He didn't respond. He listened as the rain continued to fall against the house. They needed to just go to sleep and avoid any more talking. Talking only led to fighting.
"Pacey, I'm very proud of you," Joey continued, still tracing his shoulders and upper back. "You worked so hard all year, passed all your classes with flying colors, and you're going to walk that stage and get your diploma tomorrow. And you worked hard at the B&B. Everything you said to my sister yesterday… you were right. You're the reason it became a success. We wouldn't have even gotten the idea off the ground if it wasn't for you. We owe you so much."
He took a deep breath. "You don't owe me anything, Jo. I shouldn't have quit like that. I shouldn't have yelled at Bessie." Guilt churned his stomach. "And I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm sorry."
She didn't want to talk about the fight. She shifted closer to him, her naked body pressing against his back. She reached over his chest, found his hand, and wrapped her fingers in his. "Know what else? I admire you, Pacey. You're such a brave person. You're fearless in a way I could never be. Me? I'm afraid of everything."
"You think I'm not afraid?" Tears pricked his eyes. "I'm terrified, Jo."
"I know you're afraid, Pacey," she whispered. "But you don't let your fear stop you from… from trying new things, from taking risks, from going after what you want. That's what makes you brave."
He didn't feel brave at the moment. He felt like a coward, like he was running away. But dealing with the never-ending conundrum that was the triangle of him, Dawson, and Joey seemed much easier a thousand miles away in the Caribbean Sea.
She kissed the back of his neck, breathed in the scent of his skin, the scent of his brown curls. She kissed his shoulder. He said nothing more. If this was the last night in at least two months that he'd get to sleep next to her, then he was going to make the most of it. Pacey shifted again to face her, and pulled Joey into his arms. She snuggled into his embrace as he closed his eyes. He felt her leg wrap around his hip. They fell asleep to the last of the falling rain.