18+

LXXII

'Right, I'm gonna go drop Alice home, so…talk.' Jasper says, gently pushing us through the front door before he shuts it.

Edward and I stand there silently.

I don't know what to say, or do, now.

What Charlie told me… I don't know how to process it, I don't know what it means yet.

Edward turns to me, his voice hoarse. 'What did I do? Is it because I got in that car? If you check your phone, I messaged you, they gave it to me in the car and…'

I shake my head and Edward trails off.

We stare at each other for a second.

I'm so fucking hurt, it aches.

He almost killed someone. Would he have run if he had? Would he have done the same thing that boy did to my mother? Does he even care that the girl was in a coma?

'Bella, please talk to me.' Edward begs, 'please baby, please.'

I step up to him and kiss him, trying to take the pain away, trying to focus on the good things, on the parts of us that don't hurt like this.

He kisses me back carefully for a second, cautiously, then I lick at his tongue and he groans, losing control.

I need him to lose it.

My arms wrap around his neck and I bite his bottom lip, pressing myself against his body.

Instantly I'm slammed into the door, his mouth moving hungrily against mine.

We shouldn't do this.

But I need it.

Then we can talk.

I unbuckle his jeans and he wrenches back from my mouth, breathing hard. 'Baby…we need to talk.'

'Please Edward, please just give this to me.' I beg, fresh tears pouring down my cheeks. 'I promise we can talk after I just need you, please.'

'Bella I…'

'Please, please, if you love me, you'll do this, please.' My voice is pitiful and Edward wrenches back from me, tearing at his hair.

'Bella this isn't right!' He says frustratedly.

I grab his shirt and pull his mouth back to mine, kissing him fiercely. He picks me up by the thighs and I gasp into his mouth as he starts walking with me.

He sits down, my knees sinking into soft cushions and I grind myself on his lap, my hands running down his hard chest.

I gasp as both my arms are suddenly pinned behind my back and Edward stares at me, breathing heavily, his eyes impossibly dark.

But it's not lust.

It's anger.

He's furious.

He pulls me off him, getting off the couch, his fists clenching. 'We can't keep fucking doing this!' He yells at me. 'I'm not…fuck! It's not supposed to hurt like this Bella.'

I stand up too, glaring at him. 'You think I don't know that? You think I want to feel like this?'

'How do you fucking feel? You won't tell me! You push me away, again and again, and a-fucking-gain. You tell me you love me, and then minutes later, you're pushing me away again. What am I doing wrong? Why won't you talk to me.'

'I know about the accident!' I yell at him, 'Okay? My dad fucking told me what happened. My mom died in a hit and run Edward. The kid was drunk, and he hit her, she went through the fucking windshield and died on impact, and he fucking drove away. We didn't even find out it was him until he came forward years later. And then I find out you are just like him.'

Edward's staring at me in horror. 'No, Bella, no, that's not…'

'You didn't drive drunk? You didn't hit someone? She was in a coma for weeks.'

'I…I know.' Edward says, looking stricken. 'I felt awful Bella, it's the worst thing I've ever done.'

'But you didn't get charged.' I hiss at him.

Edward tears at his hair, 'Because my dad…he-'

'Just like the kid that killed my mom!' I yell at him. 'Tell me the truth, would you have driven away, if she'd died?'

His mouth falls open, 'Bella…

'Tell me.' I scream. 'Would you have stayed with her?'

'I don't know.' He yells back, his eyes wide. 'I don't fucking know.'

'Wrong answer.' I say coldly.

'That's not fucking fair.' Edward growls, 'What would you do if it happened to you? You take fucking oxy and drive Bella. You've taken worse and driven, and don't fucking lie to me and say you haven't, because you have.'

I splutter, 'But I-

'But what?' Edward snaps. 'It's different for you? You're somehow better than me?'

I gape at him, 'But I…'

'The only difference between you and me, is you've never accidentally hit someone. You think I don't think about Emily all the time? You think I don't lie awake at night and replay that night, over and over? Maybe I should have been charged for it, maybe I should be in Juvie right now, but my dad wanted to give me a chance to be better, to make something good of myself, and I know he's a fucking asshole Bella, but on this, he saved my fucking ass. I haven't driven under the influence once since then. I've been careful as fuck! And I can't tell you what I would have done that night if she'd have died but I can tell you that if it happened now, I would call the police and wait with her, so stop being such a fucking hypocrite!"

I look down at the floor and hear him wince. 'Shit I…'

I shake my head swallowing, 'No…I…I think I deserved that.'

We're both silent for a while.

Thinking and processing.

Edward's breathing starts and stops a few times, like he's trying to speak but can't.

'I'm sorry, about your mom.' Edward eventually says, his voice soft.

I look up at him and bite my lip. 'Edward…'

He sits down on the couch and puts his head in his hand, sighing. 'I don't know what we're fucking doing Bella.'

I sit down next to him, my hand hovering by his leg for a while before I lower it and touch him. 'I know.'

There's a heavy pause, and when he speaks, his voice is horribly quiet.

'I don't know if we're good for each other.' He lifts his head, his green eyes meeting mine.

My throat closes up and my eyes burn. Edward's eyes shimmer too, and he reaches out and touches my cheek.

Warm fingers but it doesn't soothe the chill.

'I love you so much.' His voice is thick. 'And I never want to leave you... but you're constantly leaving me.'

I reach up and grab his hand tightly, my vision blurring. 'I love you Edward, I…I'm sorry.'

'It's not just you though baby,' Edward rasps, tears rolling down his cheeks, 'we're both hurting each other, constantly.'

His words rip me apart.

I know what's coming next and it wrenches my ribcage apart, scalding me.

'I can't be without you.' I cry.

A broken sob comes from Edward, 'this isn't healthy.'

'I don't care.' My voice trembles, 'Edward please don't leave me, please, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please, please don't leave me.'

Edward strokes my cheek, his voice cracking, 'I…Bella…I'

I'm hyperventilating, my chest seized up, 'Please, please, I'll do better, I'll do better, you can't leave me Edward, please don't.'

I throw myself into his arms, crying hysterically and Edward grips me tightly, burying his head into my neck.

We clutch at each other, 'I love you. I love you more than my own life, more than anything.' I cry.

Edward pulls back from me and cups my cheeks. 'Bella,' His voice breaks, 'I love you enough to know that I have to let you go.'

Horror fills me, my heart jumping into my throat.

'No.' I say shakily. 'Edward no…'

Fresh tears are pouring from his cheeks. 'I'm breaking you. Every day we're together I'm tearing you apart.'

My voice is as hollow, my heart literally breaking in my chest, a wrenching pain there that tears me apart, 'No, Edward, you can't do this, please don't do this.'

'I have to.' He cries, 'I don't think we'll survive if I don't, we have to be able to stand on our own feet first. We're not strong enough.'

'I don't know how to live without you.' I say shakily, 'I think…Edward I won't survive if you leave me.'

'That's why I have to Bella!' He sobs, 'the thought of being without you makes me want to fucking die. I feel like I'd die without you, that I couldn't be alive on this earth without you, and that's not healthy.'

'I know.' I cry, 'if I truly lost you, I would-'

'Don't say it.' Edward's voice is hoarse.

'But I would.' I say brokenly, 'I would want to die.'

'Bella,' Edward sobs, 'baby please don't say that.'

'You can't leave me.' I whimper.

'I'm not leaving you, I'm letting you go.' Edward pleads, 'so that we can be strong enough for each other.'

'I need you.' I beg. 'Edward, please.'

His bottom lip trembles, 'when you no longer need me, when you just want me, that's when we can be together. When I no longer need you like this. I don't even know who I am anymore Bella. I can't find enjoyment in anything except you. You're the only thing I think about, the only thing I want, I don't care about anything but you. Don't you understand that that's dangerous? I'm nothing without you. I'm no one.'

His words strike me harder than if he'd plunged a knife into my chest and dragged it down me, tearing me in half.

I try to think about the last time I was happy without him, and I can't.

I try to think about the last time I enjoyed myself without him, the last time I wanted to do something but be with him, and I can't.

'We're addicted to each other Bella.' Edward says brokenly, 'and it's going to kill us, unless we take control of it.'

His words resonate deep in my gut, fracturing and painful, but only because I know he's right.

'So you want us to... take a break from each other?' My voice is raspy.

Edward strokes my cheek, his green eyes full of pain. 'Yes baby. I'll still be yours, and you'll still be mine, but we can't sleep together, or be together in any way, not until we're better.'

'You're not leaving…' I ask shakily.

'I'm not going anywhere.' Edward murmurs, pressing his warm forehead to mine. 'And I will love you for every single second of every day, but we need to do this Bella.'

'I don't think I can.' I whimper, placing my hand on his heart, feeling it pound against my palm.

'This won't be like the other times.' Edward says softly, pulling back and searching my eyes. 'I know you love me, and you know that I love you, I'm here and you're here, and we're safe and we're okay, but we have to be our own people, before we can be together. I want us to be healthy for each other. I want…I think I need to actually see a therapist.' He snorts.

'I might need one too.' I half laugh, half cry.

Edward smiles a little. 'I love you so fucking much.'

'I love you too.' I murmur, biting my lip.

'If there's ever a problem, forget about this and come to me, I need to know if something's wrong with you. I just want to fix us…I want…' Edward swallows, 'I want us to be together properly, I want…I need us to do this right.'

I swallow, 'I know.'

Edward nods, biting his bottom lip, his emerald eyes searching mine intensely, 'Are you okay baby?'

I take a shaky breath, 'I…I don't know. You're not leaving me you're just…stepping back, right? So, we can be healthy.'

'Right.' Edward sighs with relief.

'Okay.' I sigh, wiping at my eyes.

I want us to be healthy too.

I don't want to hurt him anymore.

I want to be good for him.

We stare at each other for a second and I swallow. 'Um, when do we start?'

Edward glances to the door and sighs, 'I guess, when Jasper gets back, I'll go home. My dad's going to jail for a long fucking time, my mom is gonna need me even if she fucking hates me right now, we might lose the house... I don't fucking know what's going to happen. I'll talk to Jasper, so you know I'm okay, and he'll do the same for me I hope.'

I nod, 'he will.'

We stare at each other and I bite my lip, 'so…he's not back yet…'

The room suddenly becomes several degrees warmer, and Edward's eyes drop to my mouth. 'Bella,' He practically pants.

I launch myself at him and he groans into my mouth, kissing me hungrily. 'Break up sex is a thing right.' I tangle my hand in his hair, biting across his jaw.

'Break up sex is definitely a thing.' Edward says, pulling my t-shirt up over my head. He grabs my throat and holds me in place. 'But let's just get one thing straight. This isn't us breaking up. You're mine.'

I whimper at the intensity in his green eyes. 'And you're mine. I love you.'

'I fucking love you,' Edward says throatily.

The sex is different this time.

Slow, gentle.

When he leaves, I crumple into Jasper's arms and cry until there's nothing left.