A/N: The chapter became such a monster, that it had to be split. I would've preferred to keep this one and the next one together, but it wasn't meant to be. But not to worry, I won't leave you hanging for long. The conclusion will be posted very soon!
1994
August 23. On Tuesday, Pacey woke up early. He was excited. In two weeks, school was going to start back up again, but he was determined to make the most of what was left of his summer vacation. Today, he and Dawson were going to spend the day at their fort in the woods, which had taken them two months last summer to build. They were also going to look for treasures over in Cockle Cove Creek. Dawson's next door neighbor, Mrs. Ryan, told them that someone had found a real Indian arrowhead there, and the boys were sure there were more to be found. They had decided to keep it a secret from Joey Potter because it was going to be a boys' day with no girls allowed.
However, when he got to the Leery's house, he found both Dawson and Joey outside waiting for him with their bikes, backpacks over their shoulders. While he smiled inwardly at the sight of her on her bike with the newly-fixed chain, the sight of her was also unwelcome, and he frowned.
Her long chocolate brown hair was up in a ponytail. The little blue top she wore had white polka dots; it was now much too small and exposed her belly button. He tried not to stare at it. Since her growth spurt some months back, her jean shorts now looked much shorter, and her legs were long and tanned. Sometimes she looked so pretty, it made his stomach hurt. This was one of those times, and he at least felt somewhat thankful they had no plans to go swimming today. Last week had been a scorcher, and they'd spent a lot of time swimming in the creek. He found that he now longed to see her in her bathing suit, and dreaded it at the same time.
"Aww, come on, man. Why is she here?" Pacey asked his best friend. He glared at the girl standing next to him. Earlier this month, Dawson had spent an entire week with Joey up at his Aunt Gwen's house, just the two of them. This was supposed to be their day. "No girls allowed."
"Why are you here then?" she snapped back, her hands going to her hips.
His eyes narrowed. "Eat cement!"
Dawson laughed.
"Hey, we made a pact. No girls at the fort. Ever."
"Pacey, come on, let her come with us just this once, okay?"
"Can't you find some other friends, Potter?" He scowled, frustration welling up inside. "Like some girls, maybe? Mrs. Ryan's granddaughter from New York is visiting. Why don't you go over and meet her?"
Joey returned his scowl. "I don't want to hang out with girls."
"Us neither!"
Dawson huffed in annoyance. "Come on, you guys. Knock it off. I don't wanna waste the day standing around fighting. We gotta get to the fort."
Hours later, not having found much treasure at Cockle Cove Creek, which made Dawson declare that their creek was the better of the two, the three friends returned to the fort. Inside the structure that he and Dawson had built last year, beneath the shady canopy of the trees, Pacey and Joey sat drinking Capri Suns while their friend walked around outside testing his new video camera.
"Do you think he'll ever film something about us?" Pacey asked.
"What, and send it in to America's Funniest Home Videos?" she quipped.
"Well, why else buy a camera if not to impress Bob Saget?"
She chuckled, and then fell silent again.
He watched her sip the last of her Capri Sun and set the empty carton down. Something had been bugging him all day, and he had to ask. "So, um, how come you're being so quiet, Jo?"
"What do you mean?"
"Since we left Dawson's house, you…" He shrugged. "I don't know. You're too quiet. It's weird. You know I was only kidding when I said no girls allowed? Well… kind of. This was just supposed to be me and Dawson, you know, and having you here at the fort is a serious violation of the code. But… I mean… I didn't hurt your feelings, did I?"
Joey frowned. "No. I just have a lot of stuff on my mind and don't feel like talking, okay?"
He nodded and gave her a sympathetic look. "Are you still upset about Kurt Cobain?"
Rolling her eyes, she snorted, but only shook her head and didn't reply.
"Kinda weird that we start going to a whole new school in a couple weeks."
"Yeah. Back in the spring, I was excited about going to sixth grade and being in middle school, but now…"
He looked at her. "You nervous?"
"A little."
"Me too. Dawson isn't, though. He can't wait."
"Well, Dawson is different than us."
His brows furrowed, and he looked out at his best friend watching the screen on the camcorder. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Your birthday's next month. Are you gonna have a party?"
"Yeah, at the Rollerdrome."
His face pinched. "Ugh… roller skating?"
She shrugged and gave him a small smile. "I like it."
"You just want an excuse to hold hands with Dawson," he muttered.
"Shut up, Pacey!"
Outside, their friend turned in their direction and lowered the camera. "You two aren't fighting again, are you?" he called out, obviously annoyed.
"No!" they answered in unison.
"He wants to be the next Steven Spielberg, you know," Pacey said, keeping his voice low.
"How many times did he make us go to the theater to watch Jurassic Park last summer?"
"And how many times has he made us watch the VHS tape in his room?"
"I lost count after forty-two," she quipped.
He chuckled, and the fort soon became quiet again. The long stretch of silence was killing him. This wasn't like her. At all. "Come on. Tell me. What's with the frowning and not talking? What could possibly be going wrong in Josephine Potter's perfect life?"
"Perfect?" She pulled a face.
"Compared to mine? I'd say your life is pretty much perfect."
She gazed out the makeshift window at Dawson, who still had the camcorder glued to his face. "You know how my mom was in the hospital last week? And they had to do a bunch of tests?"
"Yeah…" He knew Mrs. Potter had gotten real sick and was taken to the hospital in Hyannis. She'd been there for several days, and he'd been very worried, but felt relieved when he'd heard she came home yesterday morning.
She took a deep breath. "The doctor said she has cancer."
Pacey froze. He knew that word: cancer. That word that stole lives and broke hearts, tore families apart and killed their dreams. Mrs. Potter had cancer? But she was too young, too pretty to have cancer. His stomach twisted fiercely. He didn't know what to say, so he only said, "I'm sorry."
"Not so perfect now, huh?" she said quietly.
"Is that why Dawson let you come with us today?"
Joey nodded. "I think so. He feels bad, and didn't want to leave me by myself."
He still didn't know what to say, and now felt like a jerk for being so rude earlier. "Well, since you confessed something, I guess I should, too."
She looked at him. "Yeah?"
"I attempted an escape last week. I was gonna run away from home and come live in the fort. I bet my dad would never even know to look here—"
"Dawson would've told."
Pacey sighed, knowing she was right. "Are you gonna let me finish, Jo?"
"Sorry."
"Anyway… my plan involved climbing out my bedroom window onto the front porch roof and then climbing down the columns. I did climb out the window, but I couldn't reach the columns. Back into the window I went and then I headed down the stairs to the back door. Well, I made enough noise to wake up my mom. She caught me during my escape—fully clothed with a jacket on and a bag full of clothes.
"'What are you doing?' she said. I had to think fast, and I told her I was just going to the bathroom. I know it was a pretty lame answer. She just stared at me for a long minute, and then said, 'Go back to bed.' The next day I thought I'd be in trouble, ya know? I knew she knew I was running away. I thought she'd give me an earful, or worse, that she'd tell my dad, but nope… she never said a word. Still hasn't said a word. Embarrassing, right? I couldn't even make it out the door."
She laughed. "What would you have survived on out here, anyway? What about food and water?"
He scratched his head. "Well, I hadn't exactly thought that out, Jo." She was obviously much smarter than he was, but of course, he already knew that.
She gazed at him, frowning. "Do you ever think anything out? There's a word for that, you know? Reckless. Rash. Impulsive."
"You read too much," he muttered.
She was silent a moment, and then her face softened. "Why did you want to run away, Pace?" she asked quietly.
He averted his eyes from hers and shrugged. "You know, I remember last year, being excited that Dougie was moving out and getting his own apartment. I was finally gonna have my own room and wouldn't have to share with Gretchen anymore. And I thought… maybe… that with my brother out of the house it meant I'd get more of my dad's attention. Gotta be better than being ignored all the time, right? Yeah, well… it's not. I think I'd like to go back to being ignored."
"Well, next time you think of running away, maybe I'll just have to go with you. You clearly wouldn't last a day without me. At least I'd know to bring food and water."
The pit of his stomach fluttered and tightened at the thought of running away with Joey Potter. He felt something shift inside. Open up. It felt like an answer to a question he didn't know how to ask—a question he didn't want to ask.
Her big beautiful eyes still looked so sad, and he wanted to take away her sadness. He wanted to make her laugh, hear her laugh. It would feel good to make her laugh, or even smile. "Do you wanna hear a joke, Potter?"
"Sure," she said, and although her gaze was wary, one corner of her mouth curved into a smirk.
"What kind of bees make milk?" he said, and she shook her head, brows knitting. "Boo-bees."
She sputtered. Tried to contain herself. Snorted, and sputtered again. "Pacey, that is so stupid," Joey laughed, and then she dissolved into a fit of giggles.
And she laughed until she couldn't breathe. She laughed so hard she leaned back, holding her aching ribs. She laughed so hard tears fell from her eyes. She laughed so hard she was hiccupping.
A huge smile spread across Pacey's face, and his chest filled with emotion. Mission accomplished. They may not have found any hidden treasures in the creek bed, but maybe the real treasure was right here. The kind of treasure that one would be willing to trade everything else for it. The kind of treasure that, once found, no man would be willing to give up.
2001
June 10. Sunday dawned and graduation day had arrived. In the silence of the bedroom Pacey could hear her breathing. He sat up in bed, careful not to disturb Joey. For long moments he watched her sleeping—the steady rise and fall of her chest, the gentle pulse in her throat. He brushed the hair back from her brow. He wanted her, and he wanted to hold her and make love to her for hours. He didn't want to tell her goodbye yet.
He glanced at the digital clock on the bedside stand, the numbers glowing red in the darkness. It was just past five o'clock. Twelve hours from now, he'd be aboard his JetBlue flight to the Bahamas. This time tomorrow, he'd be starting his first day on the job aboard Mr. Moore's yacht.
And he wouldn't see Joey again until sometime in August.
He pushed the thought away. Carefully so as not to wake her, Pacey swung himself out of bed, and pulled on the pair of jeans and shirt he'd worn the night before. After donning some socks and slipping on his Vans, he quietly padded out of the room, closing the door behind him.
Shortly after seven, his sister picked him up in her rental car, and they drove downtown to Connie's Diner. He soon had his two young nephews, Jordan and Michael, sitting on either side of him and a stack of blueberry pancakes in front of him. While he poured maple syrup over the top, he looked up at Amy. "So, how was your homecoming yesterday?"
She eyed her boys for a moment, and then spoke. "Tense. After the campaign rally, I really let Dad have it. He got defensive, of course, and was full of excuses."
"And Mom?"
Amy sighed. "Mom… I don't know. Mom's in her own world, trying to find some way to kind of take your side, while also taking Dad's side at the same time—trying to sugarcoat reality, as usual. She puts her head in the sand, and refuses to believe she and Dad could ever be at fault for anything. You know, if she acts like things aren't that bad, and as if there's a perfectly reasonable explanation behind anything and everything Dad does and you must've done something to make him react so extremely, then maybe it just might be true and everyone will stop making such a fuss and go back to pretending like everything's fine."
"She's always been more loyal to Dad than us. She doesn't give a crap about us. Dougie is the only one she's ever cared about."
"She's coming to your graduation today, you know."
He frowned. "I don't wanna see her."
"But she wants to see you. I tried to explain to her that you needed space right now. I even told her you were leaving, but I don't think it's fully sunk in that you're leaving-leaving. She thinks you'll be back at the end of the summer, and by then you'll be over this little rift with Dad and everything will go back to normal."
"She's wrong."
Amy smiled sadly. "I know, sweetie. And I think some small part of Mom knows, too. I'm sure she senses that there's a big chance you won't ever be back, and I think that's why she's been talking nonstop about being at your graduation. I'm pretty sure it's the guilt talking."
His guts tied into knots. "Is… is Dad coming?"
"I didn't get that impression, Pace. The more Mom mentioned your graduation, the more he kept talking about taking the boat out and going fishing today."
While a big part of him felt relieved at not having to face his father, this hurt his feelings incredibly, and it felt like another twist of the knife in his back.
"So, how are things with Joey?" Amy asked.
He laughed caustically. "I don't know. Ask me again in a couple months."
She watched him drink from his cup of coffee. "Did you follow my advice and encourage her to take the money for Worthington?"
"I did, and she took it."
"Well…?"
"Well, that's the million dollar question, isn't it? Who knows? We'll just have to wait and see how Dawson reacts. I'm sure the minute I leave town, he'll move in on her."
Later, when he'd returned from breakfast with his sister, he saw Joey's truck was no longer in the driveway, and knew she must've gone home to get ready for the day. He hated that he felt somewhat relieved to be spared a potentially tense and awkward conversation. Once he showered and shaved, he donned a pair of cargo shorts and a red T-shirt. After slipping on his red Hawaiian shirt, he carried his blue cap and gown downstairs along with his packed duffel bag.
He double-checked his wallet, ensuring he had his driver's license, social security card, and enough cash on hand. He'd emptied and closed out his bank account on Saturday morning. He checked his bag for his passport, birth certificate, and the plane ticket he'd picked up at the local travel agency downtown.
Gretchen walked into the kitchen. "That's what you're wearing under your cap and gown? Most guys wear shirts and ties, Pace."
"Most guys aren't getting on a plane for the Bahamas hours after their graduation."
"Aren't you cutting it kinda close? It's a two-hour drive to the airport."
"Yeah, I know. I'll leave on time, or early, but even if leave a little late, well… Amy has a lead foot."
Then there was a knock on the front door and it started to open. Pacey and Gretchen turned to see their brother walk into the kitchen.
"Deputy Doug Witter," Pacey greeted. "To what do we owe this unprompted intrusion?"
"Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and offer my congratulations and, uh…"
"What, wish me good luck?"
"Or something like that, yeah."
Pacey studied him a moment, taking in his uniform. "You're working on a Sunday?"
"Dad put me on the schedule to cover someone's shift."
"You mean he scheduled you to miss my graduation." He shook his head, disgusted with the pettiness of his father.
Doug sighed, and wouldn't meet his eye. "So, tell me, uh... you need some money? You know, not that I'd give you any, but, um, after what happened this week… if you need some cash…"
"No, thanks. I'll actually be fine."
"He could use some money, Doug," Gretchen interjected.
Pacey threw her a look. "I'm fine. I'm going to be earning a paycheck, remember?"
"And on board a massive yacht owned by one of the richest men in Boston, no less. Another exciting summer ahead for my little brother. I'm glad. You really deserve it."
"Well, Dougie, you came halfway close to sounding like you actually meant that."
"Because I did. You deserve every good thing that comes your way, Pace."
He saw the sincerity in Doug's eyes, and wondered if this was the last time that he'd see him for a long time. "You know, I got to tell you, it would be an absolute shame for me to let a day like today pass without ever telling you how much I always looked up to you as my big brother. Or mentioning the fact that I do actually think that one day you will... make some girl very happy."
"Do you mean to tell me that you've, uh, actually accepted my heterosexuality?"
"No, no, I said happy, Doug, not sexually happy."
"Funny," he deadpanned.
Pacey frowned and then stepped forward to pull his brother into a hug. "Maybe you should find a way to get away from Dad, too," he said quietly. "And then maybe you won't be so afraid to be yourself. 'Cause who you are ain't half bad, and there are people who will love you no matter what… people like me."
Pulling out of the hug, he saw Doug's stunned expression. His older brother swallowed, but didn't speak for a long moment. "Well, uh, good luck today, with graduation and with your flight, and I hope you get there safely and all that. Try to call home and let us know you got there all right."
Pacey nodded and clasped his arm, sympathy welling up inside. "Thanks, Dougie. I will."
Once his brother left, he walked out of the beach house for the last time, his sister following behind him. He got in the passenger seat of her Land Rover and she was soon backing out of the driveway.
"Thanks for working on my car yesterday, Pace."
"No problem. It should run for another two to three thousand miles, easy. Though it wouldn't kill you to change the oil every once in a millennium."
"I'll keep that in mind."
In less than ten minutes, they reached the high school, but because of the insane amount of traffic arriving for graduation, it took some time to get to a parking space in the lot. With Gretchen's help, Pacey donned his cap and gown after stepping out of the car. The plan was to meet his friends at the Capeside High School sign at the front of the school grounds for group pictures.
It was there that he saw his girlfriend. It was the first he'd seen her today since he left her sleeping in his bed. The butterflies came alive in his gut and the warmth of love spread through him.
Joey smiled at the sight of Pacey coming towards her and closed the distance between them. She kissed him hello and took his hand in hers, threading their fingers. "Hi, sweetheart."
He returned her kiss. "Hi."
"You look handsome."
"I look like a choir boy," he muttered, and she laughed. "You look beautiful, though. Even with a square hat on your head."
She laughed again. Joey felt relieved that the tension that had been there yesterday between them had seemingly disappeared overnight. "I missed you this morning. I woke up and you were gone. Gretchen said you'd gone out for breakfast with Amy. I didn't realize she was in town."
"Yeah, she got here yesterday. I'm sorry I forgot to mention it. So much has been going on lately…" He sighed. "Anyway, she'll be here for the ceremony."
She nodded her understanding.
Then Mr. and Mrs. Leery appeared, camera in hand, and soon Pacey and Joey had joined Dawson, Jen, Jack, and Andie in front of the sign. Mrs. Ryan and Mr. McPhee were also there, flashing their cameras along with Bessie and Gretchen.
Once the adults were satisfied with the number of pictures taken, the group began the half mile walk around to the back of the school where the graduation ceremony was being held. Pacey and Joey walked hand in hand across the manicured green. They soon reached the set up of stage, bleachers, and chairs.
The stage looming in front of her, Joey was a mixture of emotions: fear, anxiety, excitement. Yet beyond her speech, the impending farewell loomed in front of her, and the thought alone of having to say goodbye to Pacey was enough to choke her. Her throat closed over, and she tried to will the thoughts away.
While his classmates and their families and friends mingled and looked for their seats, Pacey smiled as he saw Buzz walking his way, closely followed by his mom. He handed Alexander back to Bodie, and stepped away to move towards him. The kid then ran to him and threw his arms around his neck as he lifted him off the ground.
"Pissy!"
"Are you ever gonna drop that?"
"Nope."
Buzz hugged him tighter. "Do you really have to leave?"
"I'm afraid I do," he replied, setting his feet on the ground. Pacey squatted down to put them more at eye level.
"What the heck am I supposed to do when you're gone?"
"Buzz, we've talked about this. You've got lots of friends, karate class every Saturday. Even now we don't see each other as much as we did last year. You're always hanging out and doing stuff with your buddies. You don't need me. I mean, look at ya. It's like night and day from that first time I met ya. That angry kid throwing temper tantrums and insults like it was goin' out of style has disappeared."
"He could easily come back, Pissy."
He snorted, shaking his head. "I'm gonna miss ya. I'll send you a postcard."
"When will you be back? Will you be home for Thanksgiving, or Christmas?"
Hesitating to answer, he paused. "Um… well, I'll be in Boston with Joey, but, um… well, we'll see. I can promise that I'll call you on the phone."
Buzz leaned over and hugged him. "I love you, Pacey," he said quietly in his ear.
His throat seized and hot tears pricked his eyes. "I love you, too, kid."
He kissed the side of his head and the blond boy pulled out of the hug. After thanking them for coming and accepting Mrs. Thompson's heartfelt gratitude, he said his goodbyes, and they walked away to find some seats in the bleachers.
"Hey, uh, I wanted to talk to you."
He turned to see Dawson standing there. He groaned inwardly. "Yeah? What about?"
"I just, uh… I honestly didn't expect you to take what I said to heart, and so now I can only say… you did the right thing, Pace. Joey will be much better off."
"Yes, I talked her into taking the money," he said wearily. "Just like you asked me to."
Dawson's brow furrowed. "Well, yes, she did, but also… what I said to you about removing yourself from the equation? I didn't think you'd actually do it."
Pacey stared. His mouth wet dry and he swallowed. "Wha—"
"You're leaving, right? Going off on some new sailing adventure? Joey told you to go, right? And you're actually going. Good for you. Look, I know how much you love her, Pace, and so… I can imagine how hard that was for you. Believe me, if anyone can understand, it's me. But it takes a big man to admit when the woman he loves is much better off without him. I told you that all roads would just lead Joey back to me, and well… I was right, wasn't I?
"This whole thing was a colossal mistake from the beginning, and it's a shame it took a year for you two to realize the truth I knew all along. That it had to take this huge mess with your arrest and the money and…" He sighed. "None of that was your fault, by the way. And I do feel bad for what's happened to you. It's very unfair. Drue deserves a heap of karma to fall on his head. Anyway, some people have to learn the hard way that the choices they made were all wrong, and that's probably especially true about you and Joey. Hardheaded to the core, the both of you. Well, at least Joey's come to her senses, and you too, apparently. I have to respect that."
What the fuck was happening right now? Was Dawson saying what he thought he was saying? What exactly had been the conversation between them when Joey took that check from him?
He didn't have the energy for this. He couldn't stand the sight of him, and just wanted to walk away. "Yeah, okay, Dawson. Whatever. Good luck at USC this summer." Have a nice life, he thought miserably.
"Oh, I'm not going."
Pacey blinked. "What do you mean, you're not going?"
"Well… plans change. I've invested heavily in Joey's future, and it's only fair that I stick around for a while and take care of that investment. With you gone, someone's got to look out for her."
"She's not a child, Dawson. She can stand on her own two feet. She can take care of herself."
"But does she want to? Should she have to? You certainly weren't up to the task, and no one knows that more than Joey herself. I happen to agree. You're no good for her. You're no good for anybody. Not the way things are right now. That doesn't mean I don't hope that you… get yourself sorted out. I do… wish you good luck, Pacey. I don't have any ill will towards you. Okay? This is just… fate bringing two soulmates back together. It's the way it should be—the way it's always been since we were kids. I'm sure you can see that now."
Fate, huh? His left hand curled into a fist at his side, although it was hidden in the giant sleeve of this ridiculous gown. "Right. Yeah, good luck with that, Dawson."
Pacey came up with several pointed, devastating things to say to the guy once he'd walked away. The conversation haunted him as he made his way back toward the rows of chairs. It haunted him because it peeled back the covers from his insecurities, leaving them raw and exposed. Of course, he wasn't good enough for a woman like Joey, but who was? Dawson had deluded himself if he thought any renewed relationship with her wouldn't end up exactly the same as when they'd tried and failed before.
He had almost reached the huddle that contained Joey, Bessie, and Bodie, when he saw his mother speaking with Principal Peskin and the School Board President, Mr. Vantine. The sight made him stop and stare. They exchanged some words, and she was handed a padded blue folder. The expressions on the men's faces looked contrite, regretful. His mother was frowning, but then she forced a smile. His stomach twisted with dread. What could possibly have happened now?
As Mr. Peskin and Mr. Vantine walked away, Pacey watched his mom turn and speak to Amy as she approached with her two boys holding her hands. Seeing as they were standing apart from any of the other attendees, he walked towards them, not wanting them to come near where he stood with his friends and their families. Whatever had just happened, he had a feeling he wouldn't want anyone to overhear the impending conversation.
"Hi, honey," his mother greeted with a faltering smile.
"Hi, Ma." Anxiety tightened his chest. He glanced at Amy, trying to make eye contact, but she only shook her head and looked away into the distance.
"So, your sisters and your brother tell me you're leaving for the summer."
"Yes, but it's not just for the summer. I'll be moving to Boston with Gretchen." He hoped. The conversation with Dawson was hovering around the edges of his mind.
He watched his mother force another smile. "Well, you'll just have to come home to visit, won't you?" she said with faux cheerfulness. "Boston's not that far."
"I'm not coming home, Ma. I'm never coming home."
"What do you mean, Pacey? That's preposterous. Of course, you'll come home to visit. There's holidays and birthdays…" Tears began to fill her eyes, a sight which shocked him. His mother never cried.
"No. I'm free, and I won't go back there. Dad won't ever be able to hurt me again. I want him to know that I don't need him, and I won't ever need him. I am standing here, graduating, with no help from him. I'm gonna walk on that stage knowing that I succeeded in spite of him, in spite of everything he did to keep me down. I didn't earn that diploma for him; I did it for myself."
"I'm sorry, Pacey." Weeping, his mother came over and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. It was weird, almost unnatural—he couldn't remember the last time his mother had hugged him. He had no memories of hugs.
"I'm so, so sorry," she said, still crying.
His mother had never apologized to him before for anything, and he didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. Finally, feeling numb, Pacey said, "I'm sorry, too, Ma. I mean, I want to forgive you for everything you did to me, for not being there for me all the times I needed you, but I can't. I wish I could, but I can't. Not right now."
She was silent a moment and then pulled away from him. "That's not why I'm sorry."
Pacey felt confused. "It isn't?"
"No," she said, sniffling. "I mean, I'm sorry about that, too, but now I'm sorry that…" She offered him the padded blue folder. "I'm sorry that you… that you won't get to walk on the stage."
Now he was completely confused, and wasn't sure if he'd heard her correctly. "What did you just say?" he asked, staring at the folder, refusing to reach for it.
"It's for the best, it really is," she assured him. "With everything that's happened this week, your name all over the paper, on the local news, the attack ads against your father on almost every station. Your father and I and the school board thought it best if the ceremony didn't bring any unnecessary attention to… the situation… by announcing your name in front of everyone and you getting up there in front of hundreds of people, all knowing that… well, what happened."
Pacey felt a rush of pain, of hurt. He'd felt this way so many times before, and he was feeling this way again, and it sucked. Even when he'd accomplished something that they'd never thought possible, his parents were still ashamed of him, embarrassed by him. He glanced at Amy, who was clearly chewing her tongue—a telltale sign that she was about to lose her temper any minute. Her eyes were wet with unshed tears.
"Why are you doing this to me?" he said, feeling like he'd asked this question a hundred times before. Probably because he had.
"Please don't make this any harder, honey, just try to understand. You still get your diploma. It's right here." His mother held out the blue folder, offering it to him again. "You can still sit in the audience with your friends. It's just… well, to have your name called and to get up on that stage in front of everyone, in front of newspaper reporters. It wouldn't look good, sweetie—for you, for your school. It's in your best interests. We're only thinking of you."
"You're unbelievable, Mom," Amy spat.
"That is such bullshit." His face was hot as he stared at his mother incredulously. "This isn't about me. It's never been about me. It's about you, you and that heartless bastard who calls himself my father."
Pacey took the diploma from her and walked away, leaving his mom behind. He hadn't gone five steps when Amy had caught up to him. "We're leaving immediately after Joey's speech."
"Um… okay. If that's what you want."
"It's what I want. Here, take this," he said, handing his diploma off to his sister. "I can't let Joey see this." She put it in the bag that was over her shoulder.
"But… how can we leave right after her speech? I thought Joey was coming with us to the airport. You said she was salutatorian. Doesn't she have to stay for the whole thing?"
Dangerously close to tears, he fought hard to hold them back. "Plans change. I don't need to see her looking sorry for me, or even worse, disappointed that her embarrassment of a boyfriend wasn't even allowed on the same stage as her." Dawson was gonna have a field day with this, he thought bitterly. "I mean it. After Joey's speech, we're going to the airport. Tell Gretchen."
Her expression a mixture of sympathy and indignation, Amy then walked off with her boys towards the bleachers where Gretchen was saving them seats.
Taking deep, calming breaths, Pacey willed himself to push down the anger, the pain, and to put on the happy mask.
Joey turned and smiled as she saw her boyfriend approaching just as Bessie and Bodie had left with Alexander to get seats in the stands with the other families. As she watched them sit down, she noticed Amy and Gretchen sitting together not far from them. They were talking and it was clear they were both wiping tears from their faces.
"Hey," she said when he reached her side.
"Hi, sweetheart." He kissed her cheek.
"Your sisters are so cute, Pace. They look like total emotional train wrecks."
He glanced over at the bleachers, and inwardly sighed. His stomach was churning. "Yeah, they are. I'm sure they doubted they'd ever get to see me in a cap and gown."
She frowned and grasped his hand, entwining their fingers. "Don't do that, Pacey. Don't talk yourself down. They love you, and they're proud of you. Just like I am."
He eyed her, noticing her long face. She looked nervous, and sad. He wanted to take away her sadness. "You know, on occasions like this, it's nice that we can dress up in polyester choir robes and stupid hats, and sit in the sun for a couple of hours to mark the occasion. What fashion Einstein came up with this whole outfit? I mean, is this something you really want to be wearing the day people are going to be taking pictures of you? Pictures you will be forced to look at for the rest of your life every time your family hauls the photo albums out at Christmas?"
She smiled and laughed.
"Is that a smile, Potter? Did I make you forget about your speech at least for a second?"
"Yes, you did. Tell me more. Can you make me forget we're gonna be apart all summer and that we have to say goodbye when the ceremony is over?"
His stomach knotted fiercely. "I don't think I have enough jokes to cover that one."
"I have a confession to make: I stole one of your Hawaiian shirts this morning. While you were at breakfast with Amy, I went into your bag and took it."
He snorted. "Which one?"
She blushed at the memory. "Remember the day we returned home last summer? We moored the True Love to the dock in the Capeside Harbor. We were so giddy in love, and even though we were happy to be home—"
"Speak for yourself."
She laughed breathlessly. "We just didn't want the summer to end? To return to land living? The shirt you were wearing with the dark silhouettes of the palm trees—I took that one. I wanted to keep something of yours while you were away, and the shirt will remind me that even though you're out there sailing in paradise, you'll come home to me."
He nearly choked on emotion, and had to take a deep breath. "It's a good shirt," he said casually, trying to shrug it off. "I don't know if I'm happy to part with it."
She pursed her lips, giving him a look. "Well, I'm only borrowing it. You'll just have to come back for it." She sighed. "This summer is going to be the longest two months of my life."
He looked at his shoes. "You probably won't miss me for long. I'm sure you'll have a great summer with Dawson. I know he's planning on it."
She frowned at the tone of his voice, wishing he'd put this idea out of his head that Dawson had any chance whatsoever of taking her love away from him. Or that he even wanted to. There was nothing but friendship between them. "I love you, Pacey."
Perilously close to tears, he clenched his jaw, willing them not to form. "I love you, too, Jo."
He gazed at her for a moment. Then he cupped her jaw and leaned down to kiss her. "Say you're mine," he whispered against her lips as he pulled slightly back from the kiss. "Please. Even if it's a lie. Just tell me that."
Her brows knitted with confusion. A lie? Why would she lie? When had she ever lied? Made him think she was even capable of lying about something as serious as her love for him? Why would he doubt her? Joey hated that she'd somehow lost a part of his trust, and all because of Dawson and the money. She had to earn his trust back; make him believe in her constancy without any doubt or worry. She belonged to Pacey, and only to him—heart, body, and soul—every part of her.
"You know I'm yours," she whispered. "I'm all yours. You're the one. The only one."
Then every emotion, every worry, fear, anger, sad, distrustful thing he felt melted into her mouth as he kissed her as if he'd never kiss her again. The intensity of it shook her. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and for a moment forgot they were surrounded by classmates, school faculty, families, and friends.
The kiss broke off as abruptly as it had started. She looked at him with a dazed and confused expression, as if she didn't quite know what had come over him. He couldn't help that he kissed her like he'd never see her again—part of him felt that way.
Tears pricked her eyes. She found it difficult to speak. She had to push each word past the lump forming in her throat. "I… I don't want to say goodbye when we get to the airport, Pacey. Let's just say… see you later, or see you in a couple months, or something like that instead, okay? It can't be goodbye. Promise you're not gonna say goodbye. Say anything but that. I won't be able to bear it."
"I promise." Pacey fought back the emotion threatening to rise up and overwhelm him. "Well, it's time for you to go sit up on stage with the rest of the smart kids. I know you'll be great. You're gonna knock 'em dead. I wouldn't bet against that Potter girl, remember?"
She smiled and squeezed his hand.
"I'll be sitting in the back row next to Cassie Whitman, cheering for you."
"I know you will."
The principal and superintendent were now on the stage, and she saw the band gearing up to start playing the national anthem any minute now. "Okay, well, see you soon," she said, her voice shaky, and glanced in the direction of the stage. Her stomach was doing somersaults, she was so nervous.
He gazed at her. It felt as if his heart and all his dreams were about to be torn to a million little pieces. He hoped he would see her again, that he would have a reason to come back and join her in Boston, but since Dawson claimed fate was the big factor here, then Pacey was determined to let fate make the decision for him.
She loved him and he loved her, but he could easily see that their worlds were far apart. And maybe a summer apart would only make that even more apparent to her. Only time would tell. Time and fate.
He could at least keep his promise to not say goodbye, and hoped she'd understand.
"See ya, Joey."
She froze and stared, their eyes locking as faint warning bells of alarm started to ring inside her head. The way he'd said it, the tone of his voice…
Their gaze held for another long moment, and he gave her a small reassuring smile. She smiled in return, hoping to give him the same reassurance. Then Pacey walked off without another word, afraid of what he might say if he opened his mouth.
"Joey, come on!" Andie urged from a few yards away. "It's gonna start in a minute!"
Trying to ignore the warning bells, she hurried towards the stage.
After the processional, "Pomp and Circumstance," the reading of graduates with honors, the national anthem, and short speeches given by the school superintendent, the principal, and the senior class president, the time had come for Joey to have her moment. Andie reached over and squeezed her hand. She whispered her thanks and then looked for Pacey in the audience.
Their eyes locked, and they exchanged smiles. He gave her a nod of encouragement, and she immediately felt his love and support. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves. It didn't matter if she got up and fell flat on her face because Pacey was there. If she got up there in front of these hundreds of people, and forgot every word of her speech, got sick and threw up, or otherwise made a complete ass out of herself, then he'd be there to hold her and make her laugh and tell her that everything was all right.
Mr. Peskin stood at the podium. "I'd now like to introduce to you this year's senior salutatorian, Ms. Josephine Potter!"
She stood up and approached the podium. "Good afternoon Principal Peskin, our families, teachers, and my fellow graduates. It is an honor to stand here as the salutatorian of the class of 2001. I stand here before you aware of the similarities that we share. I know that you're feeling, outside of my incredible stage fright, the same things that I'm feeling: pride and accomplishment, closure and regret, and a hopeful outlook on the future. But I don't think you need me to elaborate on those feelings.
"Instead, I… I wanted to share something personal. First, I want to tell you that... that there are people in my life who are gone now—my parents whom I love and miss very much, and who I am haunted by in different ways. But whether we're separated by death or merely distance, I know that they're still with me because I keep them in my heart. I am standing here now because of them. It is my memories of them that motivated me to keep my head down and focus on my grades and put myself in a position to be able to attend a good college. It's the love and pride I feel for my family that made me want to be the person they hoped I would be, that made me strive for the goals they put in front of me. As I enter this new phase in my life, I know that the love and pride I feel will continue to motivate me.
"Second, I want to tell you that there are people in my life who are very much present, people who are sitting in the audience right now, who are my fellow graduates—people whom I love and respect in different ways. I am also standing here because of them. These people have helped me grow. They encouraged and supported me, cheered me on, and made it possible for me to succeed against all odds. But most importantly, they loved me. They opened my mind and my heart. It is because of them that I know who I am, that I can be who I am, and love who I am.
"When Mr. Peskin first talked to me about giving this speech, he said: 'If you had the chance, what would you want to say to your classmates?'
"And so, while I say this to all of you, I especially say this to those dearest to my heart." Tears pricked her eyes as she scanned the audience, and then her gaze locked with Pacey's. "Know who you are, be who you are, love who you are. Because you are loved and cared for and supported. Everyone here is cheering you on and wishing for your success. To quote one of my favorite authors: 'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.'"
She smiled, and Pacey smiled softly in return. Then her gaze returned to the audience, sweeping over her classmates.
"Even though we are all leaving, I believe that no matter what road we are taking, whether we're heading for college or perhaps carving out our own unique path in life, the family and friends we have made here at Capeside will always be there for us, and we'll always keep their memories with us.
"The truth is, in time, that's all that we're going to be to each other anyway, this population of memories, some wonderful and endearing, some less so. But taken together, those memories help make us who we are and who we will be. And so, I'm sure we would all like to thank the teachers and administrators at Capeside High. And I know that we would not be here today without the loving support of our families, whether they're the ones we were born into or the ones we found. Thank you, Bessie and Bodie and Pacey, and Dawson, Jen, Jack, Andie, and Mr. and Mrs. Leery, for always supporting me.
"Finally, to the class of 2001: as you all leave Capeside, whether you'll be with each other or merely in each other's thoughts, remember each other on that road ahead. Don't forget those who supported and shaped your identity. Don't forget your family. And I hope that you'll also find a new family, wherever you may be going, a family that will love and support you as you leave this one behind. And I hope that no matter where your travels lead you in this life... you'll always take Capeside with you. Congratulations."
As the audience clapped and cheered, Pacey jumping to his feet and cheering the loudest, Joey blushed and smiled and made her way back over to her seat on the stage. After she was sitting, she again found him in the audience. He mouthed the words I love you.
I love you, too, she mouthed, smiling.
The high school band began to play a few chosen selections, including compositions from Star Trek and The Wizard of Oz. Once the band and chorus had done their part, it would be time for Andie's valedictorian speech. Then Principal Peskin would announce the senior class while the School Board President handed out their diplomas. Then it would all be over, and she'd have to deal with saying goodbye to Pacey. She again forced the thought from her mind.
While the band and chorus finished up the last bars and chords of their senior song, Eve 6's "Here's to the Night," Joey reached over and grasped Andie's hand, giving her a supportive squeeze. The music died, and Principal Peskin stepped to the podium to introduce their class valedictorian.
As Joey watched Andie get up and make for the podium, she turned to the audience, her gaze searching for Pacey. Yet where he had been sitting there was now an empty chair. He was gone. Filling with alarm, she quickly scanned the family seats. Gretchen and Amy were gone, too. The warning bells inside her head now rang loud and clear, and the color drained from her face.